Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 12

How to Positively Influence Your Husband, Part 2

In a discussion based on his book Loving Him Well, Gary Thomas offers wives practical advice for influencing their husband when he seems unwilling to change.

If you missed part 1, you can view it HERE.

Watch part 2 HERE.

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Giveaway Wednesday to Paid Subscribers

As a thank you to those who help support this column, we’re giving away twenty free books (only one by me) and a few paid digital subscriptions to another Substack. All the details are inside. 

Click HERE for more info!

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Unpopular Opinions: Why and How Christian Men Submit to Their Wives

“Submit” has become a very contentious word in marriage ministry circles. I think it’s a beautiful word. It reflects the spirit of Christ and is rooted in the virtue of humility that Scripture praises above every other virtue. So let’s apply it to husbands and see where it takes us. 

Pride is one of the greatest enemies of marriage. When we discuss gender roles from the perspective of power instead of pride we undercut the scandal of the Gospel: that each one of us should view ourselves as servants, even as Christ condescended on our behalf: “Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself” (Philippians 2: 6-8).

Paul is adamant: “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus” (v. 5). This is a powerful, cutting word for both men and women. We should have the same attitude as Jesus. Whatever role we have is a platform to serve.

When we don’t hate pride as much as God does, we’ll naturally hate His teachings in Scripture. We unwittingly defend pride when we chafe against admonitions to humble ourselves. Three times Scripture says God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble (Proverbs 3:34; James 4:6; 1 Peter 5:5). If I use Scripture to exalt myself in any way, God himself is opposing me at that very juncture. So I must let Scripture sear my naturally proud heart.

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

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Unpopular Opinions: God Didn’t (and Won’t) Tell You to Marry Your Spouse

“It’s been miserable, Gary,” the woman confessed. “We’ve only been married for three years but it has been the worst three years of my life. My husband has just been awful. And what frustrates me so much is that God confirmed that I was supposed to marry him, ten times over.”

The bitterness in her voice could have sunk a ship.

In another conversation, another woman, married not just years, but decades, to a man who proved to be pathological, slipped in the same sigh and words, “But God told me to marry him.”

Even more than they are angry at their spouse, these women are angry at God for telling them to go ahead and marry their spouse.

To these and many others who said, “God told me to marry him/her,” I want to cry out, “No, He didn’t.”

How can I say that?

My response is simple: How can you say the opposite?

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

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The Art of Unlearning Introduction

I’m asking for your help this week. Many of you know I’ve been working for quite a while on a new manuscript with the working title “The Art of Unlearning.” My editor isn’t a fan of the title so that probably won’t remain, but I’ve worked and reworked the intro to this book until I can barely see straight. About twenty people reviewed the entire manuscript last year, and one common comment was that the first two or three introductory chapters were much weaker than the main chapters that actually dealt with the lies that need to be discarded. One reader even told me, “I wouldn’t have kept reading if I wasn’t doing this for you, but I loved the rest of the book and am so glad I did.”

So I’ve collapsed three chapters into one. What I’d like to know from those of you willing to read this is this: is this an introduction that makes you want to read more? Does it work? Is there a section that could/should be cut? I’m directly asking for constructive criticism, so please don’t hold back. On the other hand, if you think I’ve fixed it and the intro is now intriguing enough for you to want to read more, please let me know.

Writing spiritual formation books is getting more and more difficult as, to be honest, there are fewer and fewer readers of them. Which means I need to make this as compelling as I can. I am SO GRATEFUL for any feedback you might leave in the comments.

Read this blog over on Substack HERE.

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Unpopular Opinions: What if Pleasure Is Part of the Solution?

Is our love for pleasure part of the problem or part of the solution? I’d answer, both. I wrote a book fifteen years ago entitled Pure Pleasure: Why Do Christians Feel So Bad About Feeling So Good? When a German publisher picked it up, they sent me a series of questions for a German magazine. It seemed a bit controversial to them that a writer of spiritual books penned a volume praising the power of pleasure as a pathway to worship. I’ve updated this interview just a touch, but I think it’s still very relevant. As we enter the summer months, thinking through a more nuanced, biblical view of pleasure can lead us to a life of more enthusiastic worship as well as turn us away from illicit pleasure (i.e., sin). See what you think. 

1. Why did you write a book about pleasure?  Why is this an important topic for Christians to discuss?

Much of today’s spirituality is built on a foundation guaranteed to create disillusioned believers: how to avoid doing something sinful that in all sincerity the believer truly wants to do.  Ancient and biblical Christian spirituality approached obedience from an entirely different perspective: cooperate with God as he shapes our hearts in such a way that we desire what is truly holy, and are repelled by what is truly sinful. 

We live in a culture where temptations of all kinds are so pervasive that unless we address a transformed heart, Christians will live frustrated and occasionally even despairing lives.  Ultimately, most of us will end up doing what we want to do.  Instead of trying to deny this, we need to learn how to shape our heart so that we desire what is pleasing to God.  Pure Pleasure builds on the ancient truth of a transformed heart and adds a contemporary twist: a practical look at what it means to build a life of pure pleasure with the result that illicit pleasure begins to lose its hold on our souls.

Some believers assume “pleasure” and “sin” are synonyms.  Others define godly “pleasure” so narrowly that it is reduced to direct worship (singing worship songs, studying the Bible, etc.), which drastically reduces the powerful place of pleasure in their lives.  Still others would feel guilty even thinking about how to build a life of pleasure. Pure Pleasure provides an entirely new paradigm: how and why contemporary Christians can embrace a life of true pleasure as a pathway to obedience and even worship. 

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

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Do You Care About Your Marriage Too Much?

This might seem like an odd post for a guy who has focused on marriage ministry, but it’s possible to care too much about our marriages to the detriment of our spiritual enjoyment. The healthiest marriages aren’t lived by those who obsess over them. Marriages need space to breathe, and even more importantly, spiritual light to flourish. Jesus warns us about letting the “worries of life” crowd out our determination to seek first His Kingdom (not our own), so this is actually a post I think I should probably run once a year… Let’s see if you agree. 

Have you ever known someone who cares about their physical health so much they forget to enjoy life?

Everything they eat and put on their bodies (soap, toothpaste, shampoo, sunscreen) has to be approved by the right magazines and “authoritative” organic websites. More than they fear sin, they fear parabens and sodium laurel sulfate in their cosmetics and trans fats and high fructose corn syrup in their foods.

But you wonder, does their soul suffer from all the stress and worry over their physical health? I heard a guy determined to resist the weekly advice about what new food was taking years off our lives tell me, “If eating tortilla chips takes a year off my life, I’m good with that. I’d rather live 80 years with tortilla chips than 81 years without them.”

Admittedly, most of us fall way too far into the other camp—not giving enough thought about what we eat or put on our bodies. Physical health is of some value, which is why I am grateful for a wife who challenges me in this area—but godliness has value for all things (c.f. 1 Timothy 4:8).

In the same way that some people obsess over physical health almost to the detriment of their enjoyment of life, it’s possible to care about our marriages too much to the detriment of our spiritual enjoyment. It may seem bizarre that someone like me would write that last sentence, but it’s true. The healthiest marriages aren’t lived by those who obsess over their marriages. Marriages need space to breathe, and even more importantly, spiritual light to flourish.

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

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Unpopular Opinions: Bring Back Punishment?

For a couple of generations, the notion of punishment as a necessary practice has been passe, and discipline (which is designed to treat evil and transform us rather than punish us) has been seen as the “enlightened” choice. Dr. John White, with the help of C.S. Lewis, makes the case that we need to get back to embracing and utilizing both punishment and discipline. I’d love to hear what you think. The aim of this “unpopular opinions” series is to generate some good discussion. 

I grew up with the thought that God disciplines us, he doesn’t punish us, and we should have the same mindset with child-rearing. I am not a psychologist, and I am not pretending I know the best ways to discipline our children. For this post in our ongoing series of unpopular opinions, I’m going to let Dr. John White (who was a Christian psychologist before his death in 2002) state his case that punishment is a good thing. In his view, when we talk only of discipline, we’re giving in to the spirit of our age, eschewing a biblical worldview. Let me make it clear: by quoting from White’s book (Parents in Pain), I’m doing my best to state White’s case, largely without any comments of my own. I’d love to hear what all of you think in response.

“Many books have been written about child discipline both by Christians and non-Christians, but none that I know deals adequately with the issue of punishment. Discipline is generally seen as enlightened and good, punishment as old-fashioned and bad. Parents who think in terms of punishment may be labeled punitive, a term synonymous with hostile, vindictive, vengeful and cruel. Perhaps it is time we re-examined the place of punishment and exercised greater caution before jettisoning such ideas as blame and guilt. None of us wants to defend punitiveness (at least in the sense in which the word is commonly used). But punishment can be administered by patient and merciful people. It is not necessarily the invention of ‘punitive’ people nor are those who give it necessarily being cruel.”

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

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Four Lies Couples Hear About Marriage From Well-Meaning Teachers

If you’ve ever ridden a bike, you know that over-correcting can cause a crash. You see a potential problem, over-correct, and soon you’re scraped up and lying on your back. While it’s crucial to refine and sometimes even refute poor teaching from a prior generation (that may still be going on in some sectors), there’s always a tendency to overcorrect and thus unwittingly peddle other errors. Belah Rose from Delight Your Marriage has worked with many couples. She is passionate about pleasing and honoring God and living according to His word, while also bringing married couples to new heights of intimacy and understanding. Belah has identified four lies about marriage that result from over-correcting. I appreciate her perspective and insight and am eager to share her thoughts with you. 

Watch this conversation HERE on Substack.

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Unpopular Opinions: Eat and Drink Your Tithe

Many churches preach regular (and annual) series on tithing, using carefully (and selectively) chosen passages from the Old Testament, particularly when Malachi urges us not to “rob” God of these tithes. But I’ve never—not once—heard a sermon on tithing that uses Moses’ words in Deuteronomy 14: “Be sure to set aside a tenth of all that your fields produce each year…Exchange your tithe for silver, and take the silver with you and go to the place the Lord your God will choose. Use the silver to buy whatever you like: cattle, sheep, wine or other fermented drink, or anything you wish. Then you and your household shall eat there in the presence of the Lord your God and rejoice” (vv. 22, 25-27).

God is literally instructing the Israelites to eat and drink their tithe.

To be fair, Moses does add, “And do not neglect the Levites” (i.e., those in full-time ministry), (v. 28) as well as the poor (v. 29). For most of us living in affluence (defining “affluence” worldwide and historically, most of us are), the tithe is a good place to start, not stop. Greed and materialism are denounced throughout Scripture, and both are monstrous inhibitors of spiritual growth. Having said that, I’ve never heard a preacher tell his congregation to save even part of their tithe and use it to buy filet mignon, a fine wine, go to an expensive restaurant, and enjoy this tithe “in the presence of the Lord God,” rejoicing in his goodness to us.

Read this blog on Substack HERE.

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