Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 61
October 4, 2016
Taking Your Marriage Beyond Happiness and Straight to Wonder
This blog spends plenty of time helping spouses deal with disappointment and difficult marriages. In this post, however, I want to encourage couples who are happy in their relationship and delighted with each other by providing a “trick” to further increase that love and happiness.
Happy couples get far too little attention in blogs and books, perhaps because happiness doesn’t sound as dramatic as misery, nor do happy couples run to blogs hoping to find a “solution.” Happy couples are delighted with the status quo! If you’re frustrated in your marriage, you can still benefit by reading about happy couples by seeing the promise and the hope.
Happy couples can do more than just enjoy each other—with the right mindset, their happy marriages can help them worship with a new intensity.
Oliver Cromwell, famed seventeenth century English leader, wrote to his recently married daughter Bridget, explaining to her how being deeply in love with your spouse can, when correctly considered, help you fall even more deeply in love with Christ: “Dear heart, let not thy love for thy spouse in any way cool thy desire for Christ. That which is most lovable in thy spouse is the image of Christ in him. Look to this and love it most and everything else for this.”
When I behold the kindness of my wife, I should reflect that she is expressing the kindness of Christ. When I see Lisa’s desire for the truth—her faithfulness in studying the Bible, her earnest questions to me at times about various theological issues, her willingness to listen to podcast sermons with me—I can praise God for giving her such a desire for truth. Truth is one of the most beautiful of all God’s creations, yet many people hate the truth. The fact that my wife loves the truth and seeks it out is a testimony to God’s mercy and goodness within her.
A Christian worldview teaches us that the best parts of our spouse are reflections of the divine image and a testimony to the presence of the Holy Spirit in their life. Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father of lights (James 1:17) and that’s especially true of the gift of character.
So, when you’re pleased with your spouse, let that pleasure grow even deeper into worship. Admiration for your spouse should become worship of God.
So many married people are seemingly astonished when their spouses fall: “How could my husband do that?’ “Why would my wife act that way?” If we accept the teaching of Scripture that tells us we all stumble in many ways (James 3:2), we should rather be astonished that a spouse displays moral excellence and take time to notice the work of God from which we benefit. Don’t take this for granted! I should take the time to truly consider my wife and marvel at the inner beauty God has planted within her.
When Lisa and I were in Florence together, we both wanted to see Michelangelo’s David. Florence has two other David replicas in other parts of the city that we had already seen, and of course we had seen photos of the famous sculpture 
more times than we could count. So part of me thought, what’s the big deal? We were there in a non-touristy season, however, so there weren’t any lines (during the height of tourist season, you may have to wait for hours). Given the easy access, we couldn’t imagine leaving Florence without visiting the Academia Gallery to see David firsthand.
To my shame, for the reasons explained above, my expectations were rather pedestrian. However, when we turned the corner in the gallery and saw the David sculpture standing at the end of the hall, it felt like a religious experience. Getting up close and seeing the grandeur and the artistic genius was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. We took our time, walking around, getting up close, stepping back, looking at a few close-ups again, then walking away to see it from a distance or from another perspective.
Just as the majesty of the David sculpture demands attention and focus and adoration—one would have to be intellectually and morally stupid to not see it or appreciate it—so the beauty of Christ in my wife demands worship and awe. I need to take the time to reflect on His excellence within her, His creative and redemptive powers that have taken a once little girl who gave her life to him, who navigated through the moral minefield of an American junior high and high school, who chose to devote herself to worship and study in college, and who has continued to seek truth and godliness through three decades of marriage to such an extent that when I spend time with her, I’m reminded of Him. That’s such a beautiful, wonderful thing.
When you spend two decades in marriage ministry, you read and hear of spouses doing a lot of heinous things. I have seen un-Christlike attitudes expressed even in comments on this blog that make me shudder and remind me how blessed I am to be married to a wife who champions grace.
Training my mind to be reminded of Jesus by Lisa makes the notion of divorce unthinkable. Leaving her would be like leaving an aspect of Him, in the sense that He is so present in her life and has so marked her life that I can’t imagine not wanting to be in her presence and around this particular manifestation of His work.
This kind of reflection takes your marriage to a new dimension, beyond happiness and straight to wonder.
I hope this post will also encourage singles to consider what they are missing when they even consider marrying someone who is not surrendered to God and not inviting the Holy Spirit to transform them on a daily basis. Plenty of non-believers are kind and thoughtful, but there is a special reflection cast from the soul of one who worships. I am blessed to gaze into such a reflection every day, and like a resident who has fallen in love with a favorite pond, I can’t ever imagine wanting to move away.
P.S.
This post presents just a taste of what it means to begin creating a “cherishing” marriage. If you’d like to pre-order my next book, Cherish: The One Word That Changes Everything for Your Marriage you can do it here:
Amazon:
Christian Book Distributors:
Pre-orders are a big factor in a book’s ultimate success, so I’m very grateful to those of you who take the time to do this. You can also pre-order a copy at your favorite local bookstore.
The post Taking Your Marriage Beyond Happiness and Straight to Wonder appeared first on Gary Thomas.
September 27, 2016
How to Respond When Your Love is Called Hate
How many times have you done what you genuinely believed was best for your kids or spouse—your entire motivation was their well-being—and they responded with, “Why do you hate me?”
It’s excruciating to exhibit love and have the person you love respond with charges of hate.
You do something for your spouse, or say something to your spouse, and in your heart of hearts your motivation is pure love. You want their best. And your spouse acts as if you’re just plain mean. (While Lisa and I have plenty of faults, I don’t think my wife has ever treated me this way—at least, I can’t remember if she has. But I’ve talked to plenty of couples who must endure this with each other.)
When your kids and your spouse agree, and you’re the only one standing, it’s even worse. I hope that never happens in your home, but I’ve heard accounts.
It might be a friend, an in-law, or a fellow employee. If you’re facing a situation like this, it may encourage you to know you’re not alone. Israel was enslaved by Egypt for 400 years when God called Moses to deliver them from slavery. About six weeks after leaving Egypt, and just a few weeks after witnessing an amazing miracle (walking through the Red Sea), the people got hungry. Their relatively few days of hunger made them forget all about the centuries of slavery:
“The whole congregation of the Israelites complained about Moses…” (Exodus 16:2)
The whole congregation. Everyone hated him. And then they even questioned his motives: “You have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.”
Yeah, see, Moses was this rich young prince who decided he’d prefer to leave the palace only so that he could starve the Hebrews. Imagine how Moses must have heard this: “You’re just a genocidal maniac.” “We’d rather follow Pharaoh than you.” “We prefer Egypt’s slavery to your freedom.”
Moses gave up so much, he put up with so much, and the people’s “gratitude” wasn’t just tepid; it was vile, degrading, and angry.
When you follow God, you can’t assume that people will think you’re motivated by love for Him and love for others. Many times, your love will be called hate.
So what do we do?
First, we can’t allow charges of hatred to keep us from loving with the truth. God is love and God is truth. To sacrifice truth in the name of love is tantamount to sacrificing food in the name of feeding.
Second, we appeal to a higher authority
While I’m not suggesting that what I’m about to say will “work,” it’s still an important strategy: Moses and Aaron spoke back to Israel and said, “What are we, that you complain against us?” They added, “Your complaining is not against us, but against the Lord.” (vv. 7-8)
Point out to your children or spouse the biblical principle you’re standing on. “This isn’t about me. This is what the Bible says. Your issue is with God, not with me agreeing with Him.”
Don’t let this become about you. It’s not your opinion that counts. It’s not whether you are respected (in this instance). You’re making your appeal to a higher power.
Nobody will go to hell for disagreeing with me; if I’m in the wrong, they’ll be commended for it! But anyone who disagrees with God risks facing unimaginable horror. What is up ahead for them is far, far worse than any pain I might feel over their current attitude toward me. We need to be more concerned about the state of their souls than we are about whether they think we’re nice or polite or intelligent or politely tolerant.
The Bible speaks of sin clouding a person’s judgment and destroying their understanding. If someone has given themselves over to sin, in that area they may have certain blind spots where they wouldn’t recognize love if it bit them on the nose until they bled.
In your family, with a spouse or children, keep your appeal tied to Scripture. When I’m working with younger premarried couples, certain issues may arise where people no longer accept the Bible’s clear teaching. I’ve had to say, “You can disagree with me because I agree with the Bible, but that means what you have to wrestle with is the Bible. I just want you to show me how I’m misunderstanding the Bible if you think I am.”
That puts the conversation on an entirely different plane. (I fully recognize that many no longer accept the Bible as their authority, but that’s a different discussion altogether.)
Remember: it’s not about you. It’s about Him. If I’m reading the Bible in error, I want to be corrected. But if the person I’m talking to has a problem with the Bible, I have to expect and accept that they are going to have a problem with me. That’s just basic Christian discipleship.
Jesus said people will hate us even while accusing us of hate because that’s the way they treated Him. We love, and they call it hate. They hate, yet call it love. Don’t be surprised when that comes true in your own life. We’ve been warned!
The post How to Respond When Your Love is Called Hate appeared first on Gary Thomas.
September 17, 2016
What Your Husband May Never Tell You (and one thing every husband needs to do accordingly)
Wives, there’s something you need to know about your husbands that many women don’t know. Your husbands aren’t likely to tell you about it, because they fear it might sound self-serving or perhaps that it might terrify you. So let me be your husband’s advocate and tell you something that you need to know if you want to truly understand your husband:
Sexual struggles are different for men than they are for women.
They just are.
Wives, if you want a connected marriage, an intimate marriage, a marriage based on understanding, a marriage in which your husband is so grateful to you for “getting” him and knowing him, you have to avoid comparing your sexual struggles and temptations with his.
They’re not the same.
They will never be the same.
They’re just not.
Yes, women struggle with porn as do men. Women have affairs, as do men. Women struggle with same-gender sexuality, as do men. But the underlying causes are usually very different.
For example: it is rare that a happily married woman will have an affair, while many men who say they are very happy in their marriage end up in an affair. Why do you think this is?
And while it isn’t universally true, many women who desire lesbian experiences have had horrendous experiences with men, including sexual abuse. Many didn’t start off with lesbian desires. They just got fed up with how they were treated by men and women were the only option left. That’s not generally true—and in fact is probably rarely true—of male homosexual desire.
Dr. Al Mohler helped me understand the importance of making the distinction between male and female sexual desires when he contributed a chapter to the book Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, published over a decade ago. In that chapter, Dr. Mohler talks about how we must be honest with scriptural condemnations of homosexual behavior while also being sympathetic toward the temptation to do wrong, as some form of sexual sin is a universal struggle among all men. There isn’t a man alive who isn’t bent in his sexual desires. While the vast majority of us do not have homosexual desires, we have other desires that do not honor God. That’s the burden of being a man. Women have untoward desires as well, but they are different.
Here’s what Dr. Mohler writes: “No man, not even the most committed heterosexual husband, will be able to say on the Day of Judgment, ‘My sexual affections, my sexual arousal, was always, from the very beginning, only directly toward that which was holy—the covenant of marriage and the wife that I was given.’ Every man struggles with a corrupted affection, and that corrupted affection, given the reality of the male sex drive, is often directed toward a desire for fulfillment entirely at odds with the glory of God. Every man bears a different sexual struggle, but every man is engaged in a sexual struggle, and this should give us an attitude of sympathy as we address homosexuals with the truth.”
I particularly appreciate that line, every man bears a different sexual struggle, but every man is engaged in a sexual struggle. If wives don’t understand this, they will never understand their husbands. Though sexual temptation often comes upon women, for men it will usually be an ever present struggle in more intense ways. Few men can forget about it.
Speaking as a man in his fifties, I do think the battle changes somewhat as we get older, but it doesn’t end. As a pastor who has had many men openly share their struggles with him, I have developed an ever deeper compassion for this universal struggle. As a man who has faced and still faces the constant stream of his own sexual temptation, the form sexual temptation takes doesn’t interest me as much because we all are tempted to go wrong in some way, and most of us will occasionally fall in some way. (I’m not, by any means, suggesting we will all be physically unfaithful to our wives or look at porn. But if we accept Christ’s definition of sexual purity, few men will be one-hundred percent “successful.”)
I am not excusing sexual sin. A wife should not just “accept” ongoing, unrepentant, sexual sin. Any form of sexual sin will destroy marital intimacy, assault our integrity, diminish our worship, handicap our ministry, detract us from our parenting, and sap our spiritual energy and desire. Every form of sexual sin should be confronted, and if the man doesn’t repent, the church needs to support the wife, not imprison her with an unrepentant and increasingly bent husband. She should never be asked or guilted into just “going along” or putting up with shameful treatment to “keep the peace.”
This post is rather all about pleading with women married to common struggling sinners, helping them to understand that they are not doing their husband justice if they think, “Because sexual temptation is, for me, a two on a scale of one to ten, then it shouldn’t be higher than a three or a four for my husband.”
That’s not a fair comparison. That would be like a weight-lifting husband saying to his wife, “Because I can bench press three hundred pounds, you ought to be able to push up two hundred fifty pounds.”
I don’t want you to excuse your husband or conspire with his sexual sin or accommodate sinful sexual desires. I just want you to understand him, to realize that it is different for him, to pray for him, to be watchful for him in a caring, cherishing way, rather than with a judgmental condemning attitude.
Fire Ant Therapy
While I love many things about Texas, what I like least (and even hate) are fire ants. They’re not native to Texas, so when I want to kill them all I’m merely cooperating with God’s creative intentions. Fire ants are tiny, but their bites are brutal. It takes a couple hours to feel them, but then the burn and the itch are with you for days.
Some of these insects invaded our house recently and assaulted my wife. She was bitten all over her body, at least in a dozen different places. She was miserable. I felt sorry for her, but not sorry enough. It wasn’t until one of them got me a few days later, on one of my hands, that I was reminded of the intensity of their devilish assault.
When I faced my own struggle (one bite kept me from sleeping one night) and then tried to multiply it by ten, I realized just how awful the struggle must have been for Lisa, and how I should have had one hundred times the empathy and compassion that I demonstrated. I had one bite; she had a dozen. I knew what a little sting was like, but she had to live with multiple stings. That made me more sensitive not less.
Can you have that attitude with your husband? You know what sexual temptation and bent desires are like. Multiply that struggle by a dozen and you’ll begin to understand what it’s like for your husband.
Most of us Christian men want to love our wives with purity and walk with our God with integrity. We want to let the light and life of Jesus Christ change not just our actions, but our very desires. But all this takes time. Sanctification is a process. You don’t help us by ignoring sin or accommodating sin, but you also don’t help by shaming us or by acting as if your relative lack of struggle is proof that we shouldn’t struggle as well.
Of course, whenever a writer makes generalizations there will be exceptions. I am sure there are some marriages where the wife struggles with sinful sexual desires more than does her husband. But I do believe these are exceptions more than the rule.
Which means, wives, if you happen to be married to a man who takes his sexual integrity seriously; who fights to save all his sexual interest and desire for you; who makes himself accountable to rein in his untoward desires; who is committed to being faithful and true, please don’t take him for granted. Sadly, that’s not “normal.” It’s becoming something of an exception.
And to the husbands: we have to understand that when we fight sexual desires that do not honor God, we’re not just fighting for our integrity, we’re fighting for our wives. Help your wives understand what it’s like for you in particular. Years ago, knowing the vulnerability I have as a man, I gave Lisa three names. “If I start misbehaving in any way and won’t listen to your appeals, go to one of these men and tell them what’s going on.”
These aren’t the kind of men who will tell Lisa to “settle down.” They’ll call me that day and force the issue. I did this because I know the heart is deceitful, and men much better and stronger and godlier than me have fallen. Lisa as my accountability partner is a comfort to me, not a threat, because I know in my brain that there is no ultimate satisfaction in any sexual activity outside God’s will. So I want her to “save” me if I become spiritually delusional or just self-indulgently weak.
Our wives are so vulnerable to our sexual sin. I urge every man reading this to give your wife the names of at least two men she can appeal to if you won’t listen. Lisa hasn’t had to make that call, but knowing that she could significantly alters the battle for me. It’s actually a comfort.
And to all you wives who show understanding, encouragement, and generosity in this regard: thank you. You are a true treasure, gifts from God himself. Your husband is immensely blessed. I write this as one married to such a woman.
Let me end by re-stating the main point: wives, you will never truly understand your husband until you understand that his sexual temptations and struggles are fundamentally different than yours. They just are. While this should not lead you to excuse or accept your husband’s sin, I hope it will help you understand him and pray for him and appreciate his struggles in a new way, as well as motivate you to keep pursuing a healthy and generous marital sexual relationship.
Women: does this surprise you?
Men: do you think I’m being fair? Am I overstating the case?
The post What Your Husband May Never Tell You (and one thing every husband needs to do accordingly) appeared first on Gary Thomas.
September 9, 2016
What Your Spouse Needs Most
Your spouse may not realize what he or she needs most, but if you want a sacred marriage, you have to focus on what he or she will profit from the most. Jesus didn’t always give people what they wanted or asked for. He gave them what they needed.
If we want to love like Jesus, we have to do the same. I want to be so bold as to tell you what your spouse needs most.
It’s not a regular date night (though I’m a huge fan of these).
It’s not even a satisfying sexual relationship.
It’s not love notes placed around the house or office.
It’s not morning coffee or monthly flowers or dark chocolate or a new grill.
One of the best ways to cherish our spouse is by affirming God’s love for them and regularly planting that truth in their hearts and minds. The best life possible means living in constant remembrance of the simple truth of Christianity: though we are deeply loved by God, we were once separated by our own sin and won back through the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross. Now in Christ, grace covers everything. God is our spouse’s “physician,” not their “judge,” and He treats them accordingly.
It should be our pleasure to remind our spouses of this truth and invite him or her to walk in the freedom, joy, and peace of grace.
This might sound idealistically religious and weak, but please stick with me. It’s far more powerful than you realize.
Someone who “gets” this truth and lives by it is able to love you better and will actually depend on you less (“We love because he first loved us” 1 John 4:19). They’ll keep first things first and be much happier accordingly. It will change your marriage in more ways than you can count.
Their Worst Enemy
What I’m about to say is also true of many men, but it may be especially true of many wives: they brush the teeth of their own worst enemy every day. They are so hard on themselves that they’ve essentially become an enemy to their own happiness. With good and earnest hearts, the standard they’ve set up for themselves and their refusal to embrace grace is such that no one criticizes them more than they do.
Husbands, if you’re married to such a woman, you need to be a dissenting and persistent voice counter-balancing all that stuff with God’s forgiveness, pardon, affirmation, acceptance, and lavishly undeserved love. One “lecture” or sermon is like placing a drop of dye in the ocean and expecting the Atlantic to turn purple. It takes a steady stream of spiritual encouragement to color a wife’s soul.
Remind your spouse of how God viewed Rahab. She was a prostitute, a liar, and her own countrymen could have called her a traitor. Have you ever asked yourself why she was so quickly able to hide Israel’s spies from her own countrymen? Might it not have been because a prostitute back then had to be very adept at hiding men when their wives or male relatives came looking for them? It’s not a coincidence that she immediately knew where two men could quickly and effectively hide. She had experience in the worst sort of way, yet God used that experience in the best kind of way—accomplishing His plan for Israel. And so God commends her as a “woman of faith” who gave a hospitable welcome to Israel’s spies (Heb. 11:31). She is commended for hiding two men, not condemned for sleeping with a hundred.
Your wife might have made some really bad choices as a single woman; but God the creator can use that experience to help her make some really wise choices as a married woman. She’s no longer defined by a broken past; she’s defined by a presently empowering God who gives her certain hope for the future.
Wives, consider, in addition to Rahab, Noah. He once drank so much he literally passed out and then cursed one of his sons out of his own embarrassment. Yet God declared him to be “an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.” (Heb. 11:7)
Can you, will you, speak so highly of a forgiven husband you once (or many times) found passed out drunk? Will you define your husband as God does, or as sin does?
We could also remember Job who, let’s be honest (just read his own words), murmured against God, cursed the day he was born, certainly complained, and seemed very impatient in the face of his maladies, yet how does God’s word describe him? “Remember the patience of Job.” (James 5:11)
The patience of Job. That’s how God remembers him.
If you’re in Christ and if your spouse is in Christ, God doesn’t see your worst or even most petty sins. He sees Christ in you. Consequently, He sees the faith you’ve exercised. He sees the good works you’ve done. He sees the glory that He put in you by His Holy Spirit. He defines you by the good and the glory that is there only because He is there, but you get the credit all the same.
I want you and your spouse to walk in the joy of forgiveness and grace, your rightful excitement that, as a child of God, forgiven by Christ and empowered by the Holy Spirit, everything bad you’ve done is forgotten—gone!—and everything good is celebrated and remembered.
Speak these words of God’s acceptance and affirmation to each other. On a date night, read Romans 3:21-26 together, discussing how this truth impacts your marriage and parenting. On another night, read all of Romans chapter 5. Be ready to speak Romans 8:1-4 whenever you hear your spouse launch into self-despising talk. On vacation, take out your Bible and discuss Ephesians 1:3-14. Couples run out of things to say all the time; why not make it one less time by mutually celebrating the truth of God’s gospel?
These truths never get old; we need to be reminded of them every day, sometimes many times a day. The best gift we can give our spouses and children is the assurance of the Gospel (i.e., the “Christian truth” we explained earlier).
More precious than a pure gold necklace; more lovely than diamond earrings, more beautiful than two dozen roses and more refreshing than an iced tea on a hot summer day is to proclaim the truth, glory, and pardon of God’s Gospel message to your spouse.
Here’s the side benefit: A joyful person walking in grace and hope can love much more than one who is tangled up with the guilt that Christ died to remove. Our guilt serves no one. In Christ, our self-condemnation offends God, it doesn’t please Him. To walk in condemnation is to call God a liar, and Christ’s work insufficient. One of the worst sins you could commit as a Christian is to define yourself by your sin.
When our guilt has been dealt with, definitively and powerfully; when our acceptance has been declared by an authority that far exceeds our own; then, finally, we can embrace something far superior to “you’re special.” We can embrace “you’re forgiven, adopted, and secure. You’re cherished.”
Remind your spouse of that precious truth. In the dark days and cold nights, don’t let them forget the spiritual riches they enjoy.
It’s what your spouse needs most and what you’ll benefit from the most.
The post What Your Spouse Needs Most appeared first on Gary Thomas.
August 31, 2016
Celebrating “Okay” Sex
What if “okay sex” is okay?
Where do we get our expectations that every act of marital sex is supposed to be a candidate for the highlight reel of marital ecstasy?
In our ever present desire to “one up” the world, Christians are fond of exaggerating. That’s in part what led me to write Sacred Marriage. Most Christian books in the 1990s were presenting an idealized view of marriage: “Apply these five principles and marriage becomes easy.” I thought someone needed to be honest—marriage can be wonderful, but it’s rarely easy.
And now I fear we’re occasionally doing the same exaggerating with marital sex. With new blogs, books, articles, and seminars, there’s so much focus on having a fantastic sexual life that we risk creating expectations in which “okay sex” seems like a crime. I’m grateful for those women and men who are serving the church by speaking and writing and blogging about improved sexual experiences—it’s a good and holy work. Many couples used to struggle for years without any such help and I’m glad so many can anonymously receive great and specific advice today.
But let’s remember that for the vast percentage of human existence, parents slept within about six feet of their children with, at most, a curtain between them. Even worse, for many people, you shared a room with your in-laws. I remember that famous scene from Dances with Wolves when the Kevin Costner character wakes up in the teepee to see the holy man making love to his wife. He’s at first transfixed but the holy man motions for him to turn away.
Historically, most marriages were far more similar to sharing a room than a married couple being tucked away in a penthouse suite or even a distant master bedroom. In such circumstances, it goes without saying that the wife couldn’t scream out her pleasure, “talk dirty,” get into any position that would leave her uncovered, and the couple most definitely did not leave the lights on.
Even going back to the 1970s, almost all the homes in my childhood neighborhood were maybe 1200 square feet, at most. “Master bedrooms” might be on the corner of the house, but they often shared a thin wall with one of the kids.
Today’s houses tend to be bigger, but all the stuff usually mentioned by blogs to increase the quality of marital sex today (lingerie, lighting, sounds, certainly anything like “sex toys”) just wouldn’t have been practical for most of human existence.
And yet marriages survived and thrived.
I celebrate the fact that many slightly larger modern homes (though I realize many of you still have much smaller homes) have given married couples greater freedom and possibilities, but what I see happen so often is that when a couple discovers these blogs, realizes something is “wrong” with a boring sex life, and starts reading and then implementing all the ideas, putting the kids to bed early, creating a drawer or closet with a lock, they may see a renaissance of sorts in their marital passion—for a while. But it’s like building a fire with newspaper. You get a big flame, but you can’t keep it going.
The husband gets sick. The wife gets pregnant. Kids have nightmares. Real life keeps showing up.
Let’s be honest: normal marriage means many moments of “normal” sex and that’s okay. Healthy couples will take advantage of making certain times special, but what makes these times special and keeps them special is the fact that they are “different” from the norm.
Lisa and I have some “foodie” friends who own restaurants and love Michelin 3 star restaurants. In an act of unbelievable generosity, they invited us on a French canal cruise that featured gourmet meals three times a day. Desserts, salads, and entrées weren’t just delicious—they were veritable works of art.
I’m not a foodie, but Lisa certainly is. The main enjoyment I get from eating is that I hate being hungry, and eating makes me feel full. Lisa likes being hungry because then she gets to eat something yummy. For me, eating is utilitarian; for Lisa and our friends, it’s an experience and a delight. That’s why Lisa enjoyed the cruise with our friends so much—it wouldn’t have been nearly as fun for her to share it exclusively with a Joe-lunch-bucket like me.
When we got off the cruise after seven days of being spoiled gastronomically, our friends decided to hit up another 3 star Michelin restaurant with a tasting menu. I had had so much good, fancy food that I was more than happy to settle for a hamburger at a local stand (which is sort of what we did). I can appreciate the very best cuisine (though not as much as most), but I don’t want a 3 star Michelin meal every night; maybe not even once a week.
Marital sex can be a little like food. Sometimes, it could be really special to go to a 3 star Michelin restaurant. Sometimes, I can be just as happy with one of Lisa’s organic, no preservative, 100% grass-fed beef hot dogs on a gluten free bun (Lisa keeps up certain standards even for comfort food). I don’t have to evaluate every meal by asking, “Was that one of the best ever?” Sometimes, I eat whatever is in front of me, wash the dishes and am just grateful that I’m not hungry and the food was okay.
Is it wrong for us to look at sex like that? We’re in a new age, with new possibilities of sexual freedom within marriage. There are more blogs, information, help, and creative accessories to make sex more pleasurable and more exciting than ever. Thank God for that. But if our expectations rise proportionally, then are we really all that better off? Will we be truly more content? Not if every act of sex is supposed to rival the best ever. We’ll be like the 3 Star Michelin snob who complains when he has to eat at Applebee’s (while many people in the world starve). He’s not really any happier, because he’s raised his level of expectations beyond reality.
Sex is amazing—what it does for a couple. How it can create children. The neurochemical bonding that follows. The memories that last longer than the passion. The sense of anticipation. The special hugs or smiles later in the day when just the two of you know what you’re smiling about… I love and am grateful for all those things. I’m also grateful for the new opportunities suggested by new homes and new information. And there will always be a special place in my heart for what Lisa and I affectionately call “hotel sex.” But if I don’t adjust my expectations to what is commensurate with real life, I’ll let a really good sexual relationship feel somewhat below par because every act doesn’t quite measure up to the Super Bowl of passion—even though we may have had more times of wild abandon than ninety-nine percent of our ancestors ever could have dreamed of.
Sometimes, maybe even most of the time, sex is okay. And that’s okay. It’s always a gift. Whether that gift feels like a Rolex or a Timex, I want to receive it gratefully. I can tell time with either and my great-great-great grandfather had to make do with a sundial.
What do you think? Let’s start a conversation here. I’d like to get your reactions to this post.
(P.S. Please do not use this post as an excuse for putting too little time and energy into the sexual relationship, particularly if your spouse already feels cheated in this area. It’s more directed toward evaluating our own personal expectations and bringing them in line with reality.)
The post Celebrating “Okay” Sex appeared first on Gary Thomas.
August 23, 2016
Singles: Mystical Leanings Often Lead to Miserable Choices
After a Sacred Search conference in which I had laid out essential character traits to look for in a future spouse, a group of six men asked a question. Five of them were convinced by what I had said; one wasn’t, and he’s the one who asked the question in the form of several statements: “I don’t think this list matters. I think God will lead me to the right woman at the right time. I don’t need to worry about this list.”
“And where does the Bible tell you that’s how you should choose a wife?” I asked.
“Isaac and Rebekah.”
I wrote a whole chapter in my book addressing Isaac and Rebekah, but let me summarize that teaching here: basic Bible interpretation teaches us that biblical narrative isn’t always universally applicable. We don’t think we should pay our taxes by fishing and looking for coins in the fish’s stomach because that’s what Jesus did with Peter. We don’t think if someone is stricken with leprosy they should go dip in the Jordan seven times. We don’t think a woman should uncover the feet of an older man while he sleeps to signify she wants to marry him just because that’s what Ruth did with Boaz.
Nor should we think that Isaac and Rebekah’s journey teaches us how to find a spouse. Besides, if you want to be true to the account of Isaac and Rebekah, your father should hire a servant who will pick out your wife for you, and you should agree to marry whomever he chooses, sight unseen.
That’s at least an honest application.
There’s far more to this argument, but you can read The Sacred Search if you want the rest. Let’s fast forward the conversation I had with these guys: “How will you know a woman is the one God chose for you, anyway?” I asked.
“God will make it known.”
“How?”
“He just will.”
Do you know how many stories of misery this faulty line of thinking has generated? People ignore biblical teaching, common sense, and obvious problems because they “feel” God has “called them” to marry a particular person and then (this is what makes me so sad) they get bitter at God for “leading” them into a miserable match.
I pray about every significant decision I make, but I also seek to apply biblical principles, and the Bible is rather clear on this one. First Corinthians 7:39 tells women, “She is free to marry anyone she wishes, only in the Lord.” You may wish God would make the choice for you, but do you also insist that God choose whether you go to the University of Texas or Texas A & M? Do you want God to choose whether you drive a Nissan or a Ford? Where is the line of where God makes the choice for you? Will He choose what night you and your future wife must have sex so that one particular baby is born according to His perfect design? Is that how He works?
God’s Word values wisdom so highly (“Make your ear attentive to wisdom” Prov. 2:2) in so many places, that wanting to replace the process of applying biblical truth in a wise manner with subjective mystical feelings is a dangerous thing to do, particularly when you’re deciding on a life-long relationship.
Of course we must make room for God to sometimes seemingly lead two people together. But trying to force this when the Bible’s teaching seems to suggest another model as the norm is flat-out dangerous.
A Bitter Tale
A man once asked to get together with me because he was bitter toward God. A decade prior, he had a good-paying and personally rewarding job, but “God asked me to quit and wait for something better,” so he did.
Something better never came along. His family has struggled financially for a decade, and what little work he could find has been even less satisfying.
“Why would God do this to us?” he asked.
“Maybe he didn’t,” I responded.
“What are you talking about?”
“Maybe you just thought God told you to quit. Why are you so certain that’s what He was saying?”
“My wife confirmed it. She felt the same thing.”
“Maybe both of you were wrong. Most people would suggest it’s unwise when you have a family to support to leave a job when you don’t have something else lined up. Yet you were driven more by mystical leanings than by wisdom.”
“God told Abraham to leave without telling him where he was going to go…”
“I’m sorry,” I continued, “But I think it’s a bit of a stretch for you to suggest that because God told Abraham to move, with all his wealth and possessions, to a land specially set aside for God to create an entirely new nation that would ultimately launch the bloodline to bring the Messiah into the world, that your direct application of that passage was to quit your job. That seems like a bit of a leap to me.”
In the midst of your pursuit of a marriage partner, God wants you to grow in character and maturity and wisdom. Part of that is learning how to make God-honoring and wise, sensible choices. I don’t know how we’ve got it into our heads that blindly following “mystical feelings” is a godlier way to live our life than studying and applying Scripture, but I’ve seen that approach result in much grief.
I believe in the work and leading of the Holy Spirit as much as anyone, and perhaps far more than most. I call upon the ministry of the Holy Spirit on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis. But the Bible doesn’t place the Holy Spirit against wisdom or direct revelation, but as a teacher who helps us apply wisdom.
How you make the choice of who you marry matters so very much. Will it be based on wisdom, or mystical leanings? Please, decide now, before you become infatuated, as it is all too easy to confuse infatuation with the Holy Spirit’s leading.
And secondly, if you go ahead and make a choice on a mystical basis and it causes you much grief, please don’t become bitter at God. Please don’t assume that God led you into a foolish choice because He just enjoys playing around with people. Accept that maybe He’s letting you face the consequences of a foolish process so you’ll learn a more appropriate way to make decisions in the future.
Revel in the freedom and embrace the excitement of God’s revealed truth that He wants you to build (co-create, if you will) a marvelous life, using His wisdom and keeping your heart open to His occasional warnings to guide you. It is a gift that we get to choose, far more than it is a burden.
Besides, what do you think would sound more romantic to a woman? “I’m asking you to marry me because God told me I had to” or “Out of all the women in the world, I’d like to spend my life with you. I choose you.”
It takes a little more work to apply wisdom, but a supremely wise marital choice pays better than Google and Microsoft salaries combined.
The post Singles: Mystical Leanings Often Lead to Miserable Choices appeared first on Gary Thomas.
August 16, 2016
How to Deal with Today’s Educational Dilemma
Drs. Steve and Rebecca Wilke are two dear friends who have raised two remarkable young men. Rebecca has worked on educational issues for decades and has written books for teachers. In this guest post, she talks to parents, urging those who have school children to be thoughtful about what’s happening in their community schools. Perhaps more than ever, contemporary parents need courage and awareness when it comes to our children. Though we don’t usually do a lot of parenting material on this blog, I thought this one would be helpful in light of it being “back to school” season. I hope you enjoy it.
For he issued his laws to Jacob;
he gave his instructions to Israel.
He commanded our ancestors
to teach them to their children,
so the next generation might know them—
even the children not yet born—
and they in turn will teach their own children.
So each generation should set its hope anew on God,
not forgetting his glorious miracles
and obeying his commands.
Psalm 78:5-7, NLT
As long-time readers know, we are big supporters of education. In fact, education is one of the three pillars to successful parenting we discuss in Sonkist Ministries’ book, Straight Lines for Parents: 9 Strategies for Raising Exceptional Kids. Steve and I have not only devoted our lives to people-helping, I have also spent over thirty years of my professional career in the field of education.
With that said, however, this Back-to-School season we want to address some concerns which have been voiced to us about changes taking place in the educational landscape across the United States. Let’s begin by sharing one unsettling situation a couple experienced this past school year. Their first grader came home with a reading assignment about a little boy who looked into a mirror and struggled with the decision of whether or not he was male or female. The startled parents went straight to school the next morning, hoping that some error had been made with this piece of curriculum. After talking to the principal, they realized this story had indeed been added to the first grade reading program—and school leaders had no intention of removing it. To add to the dilemma, these parents were scolded and told they needed to get comfortable with changes in 21st century thinking!
Needless to say, the parents were upset over the entire scenario. In their mind, this type of curriculum had no place in first grade. They also felt disrespected and disengaged from their child’s school where changes in policy and programming used to be discussed with parents. After much prayer, they’ve decided that they cannot let this situation continue without exhausting every effort to either remove this material from the curriculum—or at least make other parents aware of what is happening, perhaps without their knowledge, at their local schools.
Sadly, educational dilemmas are on the increase in modern society as more and more “agendas” are being crammed into an already overburdened system. In addition to reading, writing, and arithmetic, there are activists who feel the public education system is an ideal platform to promote their preferences. Perhaps even more disconcerting, some of these topics are far-removed from the Judeo-Christian principles which American education has been based upon in decades past.
What can you and I do in the midst of culture shifts that are creating these kinds of dilemmas in the educational landscape? Here are a few ideas I’d like to suggest to you:
Parents are the primary educators of their children, so embrace that role fully! Even if your children are in private school, part of your calling is to educate your kids—especially when it comes to spiritual matters. Notice the rationale for this found in Psalm 78 above: “so each generation should set its hope anew on God.” No matter who we are, as believers there is nothing more important than passing on God’s truths to others in our lives!
All of us—parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and citizens in general—should be praying for our public and private schools. Pray for the leaders; pray for the teachers. Pray for other families. Remember, “the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective” (James 5:16b, NIV).
Most public school educators are truly dedicated to doing what’s best for kids, but they are also employees of the government which legislates the policies and procedures they must follow (as a former public school teacher, I am well aware of this fact). So, when you need to address a problem, always try to do so with these thoughts in mind—as well as this great reminder given to us in Colossians 4:5-6: “Live wisely among those who are not believers, and make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone.”
Get more involved in local schools. They need you, and you also need to stay in touch with what’s going on. Here’s an insightful Barna article you may want to check out for additional thoughts on this topic: https://www.barna.org/barna-update/culture/681-public-schools-christians-are-part-of-the-solution#.V3_AZpBHaK0.
If you aren’t happy with your children’s school, look for other alternatives. For example, I have been very involved with charter schools for the past six years. More of these publicly-funded school options are opening in communities across the country, which, according the National Center for Education Statistics, are now serving the needs of more than 2.5 million U.S. students. Most of them offer smaller class sizes with specialized programs, and many are thrilled to have families involved in the educational process! For further reading, check out the National Alliance for Public Charter Schools at http://www.publiccharters.org
Yes, there are dilemmas in many parts of society today, including our educational institutions. We hope the thoughts above will give you some new ideas on how to head into this Back-to-School season so you can make a difference in the lives of children—even those “not yet born.”
Many blessings to you from everyone at Sonkist Ministries!
Thought of the Month
Little children were brought for Jesus to lay his hands on them and pray. But the disciples scolded those who brought them. “Don’t bother him,” they said.
But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and don’t prevent them. For of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.” And he put his hands on their heads and blessed them before he left.
Matthew 19:13-15
The post How to Deal with Today’s Educational Dilemma appeared first on Gary Thomas.
August 10, 2016
How Porn Creates Angry Men
Plenty of research has come out about porn’s effects on men—erectile dysfunction, making your brain less attracted to your wife, distorting a man’s view of women overall, etc. One I haven’t seen listed, though, is anger.
Men who regularly give in to porn often have a lot of anger toward their wives.
I’m not a therapist or a neuro-scientist. I’m writing from the perspective of one who does pastoral counseling. And in that context I have witnessed the effects of porn leading to anger with men and couples with whom I’ve met. Plenty of other researchers are far more qualified and perhaps more interested in writing about this, but I’ve gotten so many questions from the last blog post (where I mention porn’s connection to anger casually) that I thought I should follow up with this. I need to thank the men who have shared their struggles with me as well as those who have written in with specific insights for this particular post. I had thought of one or two reasons why porn might lead to anger, but the shared personal experiences of these men has opened my eyes to several more.
As a caveat, I am fully aware that a growing number of women use porn. I’m not mentioning women in this post because I haven’t personally worked with a single woman who has struggled with porn. I’m not sure if the neurological effect is the same, and I’m not qualified to say.
First, when a man acts with anger out of proportion to the situation at hand, it might simply be a fruit of the lack of self-control. Obedience and sin both shape us. Our choices ultimately shape our character, for good or for ill. If we demonstrate a lack of control in one area, it will manifest itself in all other areas. If we can’t control lustful desires, we won’t be able to control inappropriate expressions of anger.
Second, as one man who struggles in this area described it to me, “Porn is idolatry at its core. False gods of every kind disappoint.” When we’re disappointed, we get angry. Healthy marital sex leaves us with such a satisfied soul—not just immediately, but in the hours and even days that follow. Porn does the opposite—it over-promises and under-delivers, and leaves a man depleted and unsatisfied and therefore angry that he’s been “cheated” (even though he’s the one doing the cheating). It’s one of the most confounding spiritual things you’ll ever see—men truly hate the thing they’ve just done, but then they keep going back and doing it.
Third, particularly among spiritually sensitive men who are trying to walk in obedience, porn leads to spiritual anguish. God, in his kindness, isn’t likely to let a man become numb to the offense of porn unless that man makes himself callous over repeated and unrepentant use. At first, the man feels shame, guilt, remorse, and perhaps even self-loathing. That’s for a day or so. A little later, Satan comes in to make a bad situation worse, and, as the chief accuser says, “If only your wife were a little more affectionate…” “If only your wife were a little more available…” “If only your wife were a little more understanding…”
What this temptation does is give men something to blame their wives for. Now, in this twisted version, the spiritual anguish the man feels isn’t his fault for failing, it’s the wife’s fault for setting him up to fail. When a man finds himself getting angry all out of proportion for something the wife did, it might be because he is letting off steam from the spiritual anguish of falling several days before. He hates what he has done and become, and it’s his wife’s fault. Or so he thinks.
A fourth reason is really ugly, but it’s the sad truth: your husband is angry because he has learned to enjoy porn more than real sexual intimacy, and when you’re around, he can’t indulge. He has to hide from you, which makes him resent your very presence. This is the true assault on marriage: you become an impediment to his sexual satisfaction, not an expression of it. You’re “standing in the way” and that makes him angry.
A fifth reason porn causes anger is because of jealousy, but perhaps not like you think. Most women loathe the notion of their husband being physically attracted to the women in these videos, but I don’t think it’s primarily about physical attraction. Wives, let me assure you, porn has little to do with your appearance or value. I recently finished the autobiography of a famous 70s-era singer. On one occasion, he was regularly cheating on his wife while on tour with a steady girlfriend. His wife was a former model, and his girlfriend was a current model. Then he met an actress. While his wife was at home, he left his mistress in the hotel suite, saying he had a business meeting, and proceeded to cheat on his mistress with the actress. He managed to cheat on two women at once!
At one season in his life, he admitted that his driver would drop off one young woman at the airport, drive to another terminal, and pick up a new one to bring home. These were all stunningly beautiful women (according to popular stereotype).
That’s why I tell wives this behavior isn’t about you. It was never about you. This is behavior that even the most glamorous of women couldn’t affect. When your husband is addicted to the “new,” which is what porn does to his brain (research the “Coolidge effect”) no woman in the world can be beautiful enough to keep a man faithful because once she’s familiar, she’s no longer so alluring.
I hate even typing these words, because it represents a direct assault on God’s design for marriage—cherishing and being enthralled with one woman for life. And that’s the problem with the anger that comes from jealousy. The best kind of sex in marriage is when a husband is cherishing his wife and the wife is cherishing her husband. Sex affirms each other’s beauty, worth and desirability. Neurologically, the more you have sex with each other, the more you desire each other and the less attractive other women become. This is basic brain chemistry.
The jealousy that comes from watching porn reverses this. I think men get jealous that another woman is pleasing another man—the voyeur is getting sexually excited, but he’s not the one being touched or pleasured. He’s watching another man be pleasured so he has to take care of himself. How can that not make a man a little angry? It’s like he’s being teased.
And here’s the thing: while anger can fuel lust, it empties love. The same thing that might create sexual excitement in the face of lust can make sexual performance wilt in a situation when you are called to cherish. I can’t cherish a woman I’m angry at, can I? So the continued use of porn will change what I value in sex, turning me away from cherishing and making porn seem “necessary” to get sexually excited, even if I have a willing wife, because I have to engender lust in order to sexually perform. So even when you do have sex with your wife, it’s a different kind of sex, an inferior kind, sometimes even a destructive kind. It may even seem like sex is something you’re doing to your wife rather than experiencing with your wife.
This explains why porn can temporarily seem to revive a man’s sexual interest before it eventually depletes it. It’s two entirely different kinds of sexual interest, though. And the negative kind is one that will destroy future sexual fulfillment in marriage.
So, wives, why are your porn-using husbands angry?
They are angry because they are suffering the consequences of a lack of self-control.
They are angry because they are being disappointed by a false idol.
They are angry because of the spiritual anguish they feel fighting it, and they’ve found a way to blame you for the struggle.
They are angry because your very presence inhibits acting out their preferred sexual desires.
They are angry because another woman is teasing them and they’re taking it out on you. Since you’re a woman, you’re guilty by association.
I have zero desire to become a “specialist” on this; it’s taken enough out of me just to write this post, so let me point you to Dr. Harry Schaumburg’s ministry (www.stonegateresources.org), or the well-known ministries of Covenant Eyes or XXX Church for remedial care. These ministries have far better understanding and resources to help deal with this on a more comprehensive level. I’m just adding the spiritual effects to the negative impact of porn—as if we needed any more warnings than we’re already getting.
A Quick Word to the Wives
Before I end an already long blog post, please let me say something to the wives: speaking as a pastor, most thoughtful men I know who struggle with this hate doing it and they hate themselves for giving in. I grieve for these men. Many have been targeted from an early age and lacked the spiritual sophistication to fight it when they were first confronted with it. By the time they realized what was going on, they had developed minds that will be vulnerable for perhaps the rest of their lives. If you use this post against them rather than trying to understand them, it won’t be helpful. I do believe that the habitual, frequent use of porn that obliterates sexual intimacy in marriage can be considered an affair. A man has essentially replaced his wife and is denying her the fulfillment of being sexually desired, celebrated, and fulfilled. If that’s not an affair, I don’t know what is.
But I also know some very earnest and I would say even godly men who fight this with all their might and still occasionally struggle. The brain just won’t let it go. The last thing I want this post to do is make their struggle even worse and increase their shame.
I fully understand that it’s much, much easier for me to be objective as a pastor, as I’m not the one being deprived or hurt, so I also understand if you think I’m letting your man off the hook. I just hope you’ll use this post for understanding, not to attack. Men already know a lot of reasons not to give in, and yet many still do.
Finally—angry husbands existed long before the Internet. While porn can certainly increase a man’s anger, there are many other reasons some men are angry and other issues that need to be addressed. Chip Ingram’s book Overcoming the Emotions that Destroy is a helpful primer for couples working through anger.
A Quick Word to the Husbands
If you’re struggling with this, yet another post with five additional reasons to avoid porn won’t help you on its own. But perhaps this can give you another reason to keep fighting, and to stay faithful in recovery, however imperfect that recovery might be.
It is so much better to cherish your wife than to be angry with her. A marriage in which you cherish your wife is one of the highest pleasures in life. The very highest pleasure is to have our satisfaction fulfilled by our relationship with God—to daily receive his grace, acceptance, affirmation, and love. I am a firm believer that the best defense is a good offense. If you are addicted, though, offense alone won’t be enough—you’ve got to rebuild the defense. Grow deep in your understanding of grace. Spend the time you used to spend indulging in fantasy and use it to build or rebuild a creative, intimate life with your wife. Pursue your God and your wife. Fight for the good life of joy and intimacy and truth.
If you do that, you will never be on your own. Even if your wife doesn’t understand, your God does. And if you need a little spiritual shot in the arm, just listen to this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=722zPX1npcA
Finally, if you’re curious to understand why I’m talking so much about building a cherishing heart in marriage, you can pre-order the new book now by clicking on the cover.
The post How Porn Creates Angry Men appeared first on Gary Thomas.
July 20, 2016
Convicted by a Cross Dresser
Jason (not his real name) is one of the over fifty-percent of men who struggle mightily with pornography. It was causing him to miss out on life and regularly be angry with his wife (an often-ignored “secret” is that porn is cultivating an entire generation of angry husbands). One time, after an hours-long binge in San Diego, he walked outside to a stunningly beautiful vista and heard God gently tell him, “This is the beauty you are missing when you spend your time inside like that.”
Jason has a poet’s heart, and God had found a way to show him the beauty, truth, and life that he was missing out on by pursuing an artificial intimacy based on a lie. The porn use began affecting his marriage to such a degree that he finally confessed it to a marriage counselor, who suggested Jason join an SLAA group (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous).
It was terrifying for Jason to cross the threshold of that meeting for the first time, but when he saw other men struggling like him, he said he finally felt like he had found a “home.” He started collecting the chips and finding some victory, until one day he had a really bad fall.
When it was his time to share his fall with the group, Jason broke down weeping in front of everyone. He couldn’t believe it. He had tried so hard. He had truly enjoyed walking in victory. And now he was overwhelmed by yet another failure, the feelings of hopelessness strangling him spiritually. He had thought the new venture into SLAA would “cure” him, but the results were in. He had messed up. Again.
Still weeping, Jason looked up and saw Leon the cross-dresser. Leon was crying, too. Leon knew what shame felt like. Leon knew how devastating it felt to try to control urges you are convinced aren’t healthy, only to fall again.
The tears of the cross-dresser (whose name spelled backward, Jason notes, is “Noel”) ministered Christ’s spirit to Jason.
Jesus hurt with him.
I want to be like that struggling cross-dresser, in this sense: I want to cry with others in their moments of devastation and defeat. I want to feel their pain instead of letting them feel my judgment.
Dozens (if not hundreds) of conversations like the one I had with Jason have convinced me that porn is a burden contemporary men (and an increasing number of women) must bear. If porn was fulfilling, men and women wouldn’t hate giving in so much. The marital effects (anger toward your wife, erectile dysfunction, lying, isolation, shame) bring far more misery than the lost hours bring lasting pleasure. It’s an assault on who we are and who we want to be. And so, Christ suffers with us.
I don’t expect wives to not take its use personally, and I’m not asking them to. Yes, it’s unfaithfulness. Yes, it hurts you as much as or maybe more than anyone. Yes, I believe its unrepentant use, over time, can constitute an affair. No, you shouldn’t accept it. Ever.
But I want to be the kind of spouse who will cry if my wife must suffer the shame of her fallenness rather than add to that shame.
I read the story of a newly married woman who had a food addiction and some past sexual abuse that made sexual intimacy difficult and complicated. Early on in her marriage, the panic began to rise when her husband was making advances so she paused and said, “Let me go to the bathroom first.”
But she didn’t go to the bathroom.
She went to the kitchen.
She opened up the refrigerator and started stuffing herself. If it was edible, she put it in her mouth. When she had some cold noodles from Chinese take-out hanging between her lips, she heard something behind her and turned.
It was her new husband.
Shame.
Mortification.
Guilt.
She wanted to disappear. But her husband walked over to the counter, opened up a drawer, pulled out a fork, and said, “Hey, you don’t have to do this by yourself anymore. We’re married now.”
I want to be that kind of husband.
I’m not saying women should ever agree to watch porn with their husbands. Of course not. Or that they should cooperate with cross-dressing. Marriage is about progressive healing, not about walking further into darkness and dysfunction.
But I want to be the kind of spouse who cries first and with his wife, and only then starts to talk about taking a new path.
While the Reformed (Calvinist) branch of the church emphasizes God’s wrath against our sins (for good, biblical reasons), the Eastern Orthodox Church is known for emphasizing Christ the Victor, the one who came to save us from our sins, viewing us as victims of sin as much as perpetrators of it. And there are plenty of Bible verses supporting this view. It doesn’t need to be either/or. The biblical case, as it so often is, is both/and.
So, to be a both/and spouse, we want to see our spouses in the light of their being victims of sin and thus hurt when they are assaulted by the burden of its temptations and are facing the devastation of its false promises.
We are all so beaten up, aren’t we? Some people were so abused as children that addictions seem all but inevitable. Others don’t have a real excuse but chose their own ways of coping with stress, inadequacy, loneliness, and shame. And then they found that the way out was much more difficult than the way in.
Marriage can be so healing, and parenting can be so transformational, when we look at our spouse and our kids and cry with them in their fallenness before we talk to them about any “solution.”
In other words (and I can’t believe I’m writing this), I prayed this morning that I could be just a little bit more like Leon the cross-dresser.
I want to cry when loved-ones hurt.
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