Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 56

When Passion is Impossible to Sustain

I’ve been enjoying Angela Duckworth’s book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance and one thought in particular stuck out at me that is so relevant for marriage. Duckworth writes primarily about work and vocation in her book, but apply this thought in relational terms and you’ll see what I mean:

“What ripens passion is the conviction that your work matters. For most people, interest without purpose is nearly impossible to sustain for a lifetime. It is therefore imperative that you identify your work as both personally interesting and, at the same time, integrally connected to the well-being of others.”

Think about this in these terms: Passion without purpose is nearly impossible to sustain for a lifetime. An infatuation with no greater end than our own delight is like soap bubbles, fog, and a sunset—fascinating and ephemeral at the same time.

My own marriage has deepened to the same extent that Lisa and I have purposed to help others. We both know our marriage isn’t simply about ourselves anymore (it never really was), and we continue to grow in respect and appreciation for each other as we each seek to extend ourselves on behalf of others. It’s natural that you feel more affection toward, and more respect for, someone who is doing unselfish things. And when we offer ourselves to God, He empowers us with His Holy Spirit so that we can do more through Him than we could ever do on our own—all the while drawing our spouse’s respect and admiration in the process.

My book A Lifelong Love has an entire chapter on how important a sense of mission is to a thriving marriage, including how to find that mission. I describe what I call “the magnificent obsession” as being partners who aim to live out, together, Jesus’ words in Matthew 6:33 to seek first his Kingdom—to focus on accomplishing His work above our own personal agendas. Whether that leads you to dedicate your lives to educating students, coaching young athletes, building a small business, being an active member of the arts community or your local church, your relationship has an ultimate purpose that goes beyond your happiness and seeks to lift up others.

The best relationships have plenty of delight, but delight is sort of like icing—while you may crave it, it only makes you hungrier sooner rather than later if there isn’t something substantive beneath it. Think of “romance” as the icing and “service” as the substance. You don’t have to choose one over the other, of course, but you will eventually lose interest in the icing if you never follow it up with substance.

This line of thought may not sound “romantic” to some of you, but living a life of purpose has given me more romantic feelings for my wife, not less. I don’t know that either of us has ever felt more “in love” than we do now, thirty three years into our marriage. Maybe we’re just getting the normal “empty nester” bump that I’ve read about. But it at least feels directly tied to increased purpose and mission.

So, to increase the passion in your marriage, or even to sustain the passion in your marriage, double down on purpose and mission. If you’re raising children make sure you’re a team raising disciples of Christ. It’s not enough to raise them to be well-educated, well-mannered, and culturally “successful.” Decades from now, if that’s all you’ve done and they end up as selfish consumers who live trivial lives, you’re likely to say “to what purpose did we sacrifice?”

The only thing more fulfilling than doing work that you think matters is raising kids who do work and who live lives that matter. Whether your child grows up to be a police officer, run a post office, own an independent coffee shop, be put in charge of children’s ministries or an entire church, or build a business that employs dozens or thousands of employees, if their faith drives what they do and influences how they do it, the thrill is immense. Just like marriage, parenting must have an ultimate purpose in order for it to satisfy.

Talk about how the two of you can use the resources and influence God has given you to have a new and greater impact on others in His name.  It’s actually one of the best things you can do for your marriage. Sustained passion needs purpose. If you want to build and keep the passion, you’ve got to find and build the purpose.

In other words, as I’ve written before, don’t worry about falling out of love; worry about falling out of purpose.

The post When Passion is Impossible to Sustain appeared first on Gary Thomas.

He Ate My Chocolate

In premarital counseling, I tell couples, “Your ability to continue cherishing each other, treasuring each other and feeling close to each other will be directly tied to your ability to handle conflict in a way that brings you together instead of tearing you apart.”

It doesn’t matter how strong your infatuation is, if you can’t come out of conflict with greater understanding and intimacy, then your marriage is going to become stone cold or even antagonistic. Conflict is inevitable; the ability to use conflict to build the relationship instead of strain it is thus essential to a growing and intimate marriage.

I’m pre-reading a great book (it’s not out until May, but you can pre-order it on Amazon right now) by Debra Fileta entitled Choosing Marriage: The hardest and greatest thing you’ll ever do. In this book, Deb recounts a classic marital spat:

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My husband sinned against me.

Seriously, he did.

I was having a rough day, and I opened my top-secret drawer where I hide my “desperate-times-call-for-desperate-measures” chocolate stash, and noticed it was missing! MY CHOCOLATE STASH WAS MISSING!  The stash I cling to in case of emergencies. The stash that I spend a little extra money just to have, knowing that I’ll use it wisely and savor it piece by piece. The no-kids-allowed, husband-stay-away, one-and-only-stinking-thing-in-life-I-call-my-very-own stash. IT WAS MISSING. And immediately (considering the location of this particular stash and the fact that it was only known by the two of us) I knew it had to be him who broke into it.

He knows this is my secret stash. He promised not to touch it. He didn’t even tell me about it! I’ll bet he didn’t even savor it! He probably finished it all in all of 30 seconds. Could he be trusted? Did he even love me?

Okay, call me a bit dramatic, but I was seriously fuming. Maybe it sounds like such a small thing to you, but anyone who is married knows that it’s usually not the big things that tend to cause a marital rift – most often, it’s the small things. And you know what? This wasn’t even about the chocolate, anymore. It was about the principle! It was about the trust. It was about him keeping his word and respecting my boundaries. I was annoyed. I was mad. But more than that, or should I say, underneath all that, I was hurt.

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This is where marital fights can become volcanic. Deb had her husband “dead to rights.” John isn’t a fool, and only a fool for a husband could be clueless about digging into his wife’s secret chocolate stash. Knowing Lisa’s affinity (there actually isn’t a strong enough word in the English language to describe Lisa’s affection for dark chocolate) for chocolate, I can only imagine what would happen in our own house if I did that.

Here’s the reality, however: the chocolate was already gone. Let’s say the store where it is sold was closed or inaccessible. Deb was not going to get her chocolate. What’s going to happen next?

This stops being about chocolate and starts being about marriage. In this case, Deb’s heart was challenged first. Notice, Deb’s heart was challenged first, even though she was the one who was wronged. That shows an extraordinary maturity that served her marriage well:

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A few minutes later my daughter, who was 4-years old at the time, walked into our room while we were discussing “the situation”. We make it a priority to be wise about what we discuss around our children, but needless to say, she overheard the part about the chocolate. “It’s okay Mommy, you can share your chocolate with all of us!” she said with a beaming smile. Let me put it out there, it’s a humbling moment when your 4-year-old models more grace and forgiveness than you do. Talk about getting served a nice, big, slice of “chocolate” humble pie. But the bottom line here is that this wasn’t just about sharing, it was about choosing to respond with love when I had every “right” to be annoyed, frustrated, and hurt. It was about seeking an attitude of reconciliation rather than sitting on the throne of condescendence.

It was about letting go of my pride (“You’re the problem”, “I’m hurt”, “This is all about me”, “I have done no wrong here”), and instead, learning to move forward with humility, grace, and forgiveness (“Do I have a responsibility or role in this?”, “I’m not perfect either“, “How can we resolve this and come together?”, “Could I be misinterpreting this?”, “How can this be used as an opportunity for grace?”).”

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Deb’s spiritual maturity carried the day here. She mentions how, on another occasion, her husband got her so angry that she had to leave the room. Instead of steaming, however, she prayed, and listened, and this is what she heard God say:

“Think of me…think of all that I’ve done for you. And then, respond…not to your husband, but to my love for you.” And so, I spent the next few moments meditating on who God was in my life, and how much He had forgiven me from. I thought about my many flaws in comparison to God’s ocean of grace and love and mercy.

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Having dealt with her own heart, Deb was able to have a productive conflict-resolution conversation with her husband about the chocolate.

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After I did the above and settled down, and after he stopped feeling defensive, we sat and talked. Not about chocolate, but about what was really going on underneath the surface. About expectations, selflessness, boundaries, and trust. About what I needed from him, and what he needed from me. We confessed, we apologized, we took responsibility, we forgave, and we met each other right there in the middle. We showed each other love. It was a really beautiful moment for us, a moment I’ll cherish for a long time. And the grace and forgiveness we learned to bestow on one another in the small things, is the very same grace and forgiveness that has carried us through the harder things. For anyone else out there who’s ever struggled to “like” their spouse, for big reasons or small, may we always remember that a good marriage isn’t about bypassing arguments, hurts, and struggles, but rather, it’s about learning to lean into those things with love. And inevitability, when we choose to love we’ll find that we get “like” thrown in shortly thereafter, no matter which side of the apology we’re on.”

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The important thing is how Deb and John came out of this episode: closer, with more understanding. John hasn’t ever stolen Deb’s chocolate stash again (I checked!), so any wives reading this should know that the issue was effectively resolved. Do you think yelling and screaming and accusations would have worked better? John’s behavior wasn’t changed as the result of a knock-down, drag out, call-your-husband-slime kind of threat. It came from grace and understanding, with Deb even looking at her own heart first.

Deb’s response doesn’t seem natural, but it’s the kind of response that builds marriages. It’s the kind of response Jesus in you can produce. If you don’t get to this place, your marriage will become miserable because while your spouse may not steal your chocolate, she may erase your recorded football game, he may leave your gas tank empty just when you’re late, or she may forget to pay a bill. Since we’re all sinners, if we don’t learn how to handle our sin in a redemptive manner, sin will destroy us. As I’ve said many times, you can choose to let sin destroy your marriage or you can choose to use your marriage to destroy your sin. It’s going to be one or the other.

 

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The Whole Story

I’ve been called “the Christian sex lady.” I speak every year to thousands of women about sex. I blog about it almost daily.

But even I was absolutely terrified when it came to teaching my own daughters about sex and puberty. In fact, my husband had to sit me down and tell me when it was time to get our youngest daughter a bra.

It’s not that I didn’t notice. It’s just that I was very good at avoiding what was ever-so-obvious right in front of me. Katie was only ten, and she was still a little girl with Barbies. I wasn’t ready for this!

Looking back, there isn’t a whole lot that I did right when it came to talking to them about growing up.

When Rebecca, my oldest, was ten, I took her away for a weekend to explain the facts of life. We used a program to help talk about sex, and the main aim was to teach her that she wasn’t supposed to have sex until she was married, and then encourage her to pledge to wait.

Honestly, she was so grossed out by the whole thing she would have pledged never to talk to a boy again! Reflecting on it now, Rebecca says that the hard-hitting “you must wait” message gave her the impression that Jesus loved her mostly because of her virginity.

Whoops.

I receive emails everyday from young wives struggling in their marriages because they grew up with shameful messages about sex–or else they were never told much of anything at all. One woman told me she learned about sex because her mom put a bookmark in the encyclopedia under “sex”. Another woman told me that as soon as she started to develop breasts her mom gave her such a long talk about modesty that it made her paranoid that older men at church were staring at her. She took refuge serving in the nursery. These women desperately want great marriages now, but these messages are hard to eradicate.

One of the most important parenting missions is to raise our daughters with a healthy view of sexuality, pointing them to their worth in Jesus and to the beauty that God made us for. It sets them up for a far healthier future marriage, and a far healthier self-image. God made sexuality to be beautiful; it’s the world that has corrupted it and added shame to it. We must reclaim it, and point our kids on the right road. We simply must get this right.

Yes, it starts with giving them the right information about puberty and the facts of life. But it doesn’t end there.

It also needs to involve keeping the lines of communication open, even, or especially, in the teen years. I did manage to muddle through the facts of life–barely. But we never talked about porn (even though teenage girls are the fastest growing group of porn users). We didn’t talk about masturbation (my girls were good girls, after all!). And I certainly never told them about male anatomy or what their guy friends were going through! It’s in the teen years when kids need us to continue those conversations by making them more personal. Our job isn’t done when they know about the mechanics of sex; they need our help navigating how to handle relationships, peer pressure, and body image issues.

Sound intimidating yet? Well, here’s some good news.

It’s okay if you’re scared.

Really! Kids don’t need perfect parents. They need authentic parents who aren’t afraid to be real with them.

It doesn’t matter if you’re scared. It only matters if you let being scared stop you.

I let being scared stop me from having some important conversations with my kids. And I was scared of a lot of things. I was scared that they may have sexual feelings that I didn’t know how to deal with. I was scared that they may realize that I had sexual feelings! (what would happen if they realized what my husband and I were actually doing?!?) I was so scared of the subject in general that it just seemed easier not to say much of anything at all.

I’m sorry that I missed the chance to guide my girls better when they were younger. But as they grew older, and I got more comfortable, God’s grace covered a lot of my mistakes.

My daughters are 20 and 22 now, and they have ministries of their own. Rebecca has a big book coming out in October called Why I Didn’t Rebel: A 22-Year-Old Explains How She Stayed on the Straight And Narrow–and How Your Kids Can Too. Katie has a large YouTube channel hoping to introduce millennials to Jesus in an unintimidating way.

Recently we were laughing about the mistakes I made talking to them about puberty (Rebecca remembers learning that the penis was like a finger. That really confused her. If guys have a finger there, then why do they need to scratch so much?).

After the hilarity died down, and we started thinking about how moms can do it better, we decided to try to help. We created what we wish we had had: an online, video-based course for moms and daughters called The Whole Story: Not-So-Scary Talks on Sex, Puberty and Growing Up. My girls star in the videos teaching about body changes, sex, peer pressure, boys, and self-care, while I provide coaching for moms. The videos start the conversations, but then discussion questions, checklists, and mother-daughter activity ideas help moms continue them.

Check out The Whole Story!

Your girls are going to get messages about sexuality, body image, and relationships from school, from friends, and from the media. But what they really need is to hear from you. And you can do it! God appointed you, as a mom, to do this. Even if you’re scared.

Sheila Gregoire’s course The Whole Story is available for moms with daughters aged 10-12 or 13-15. It’s not a replacement for moms; it’s a resource to start those important conversations, and make it much easier to continue them.

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Inspirational Speaker, Marriage Author and Blogger
Website: http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com

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Catch a Conference with Gary this Fall

 

Every marriage can use a “pick-me-up” now and then, and some marriages need a complete overhaul. One of the things that have moved me most is when I was at a Cherish conference earlier this year and a couple told me, “The only reason we’re still married today is because we attended a Sacred Marriage conference several years ago.”

This fall, I’ll be speaking on all three books: Sacred Marriage, A Lifelong Love, and Cherish at various locations. If you live in this area or have friends who do, please help us spread the word. We’re particularly grateful for those of you who live in an area and mention these conferences on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Some times, unless we pay to boost them, Facebook will share one of my postings with less than 1% of my followers (literally), so shares from others are an important way to help spread the word.



EVENTS

September 15-16, 2017 – Lifelong Love Conference at St. Marks Lutheran Church in Lindenhurst, IL.  Click here for more information.

September 22-24, 2017 – WINSHAPE  Enrichment Weekend, Georgia.  Click here for more information.

October 2-3, 2017 – EFCA Pastor Conference in Green Lake, WI. Click here for more information.

October 6-7, 2017 – Lifelong Love Conference at Park Community Church in Chicago, IL.  Click here for more information.

October 16-20, 2017 – WinSome Women Christian Retreat in Mackinac Island, MI. Click here for more information.

October 27-28, 2017 – Cherish Marriage Conference at Living Hope Community Church in Brea, CA.  Click here for more information.

November 3-4, 2017 – Cherish Marriage Conference at Greece Assembly of God in Rochester, NY.  Click here for more information.

November 18, 2017 – Promise Keeper Marriage Conference in Toronto, Ontario.  Click here for more information.

Thank you!

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For Worse

A woman from a war-torn country told an American, “The difference between Americans and the rest of the world is that you expect everything to go fine and are surprised when something bad happens. The rest of the world expects life to be dreary and is surprised when something good happens.”

I don’t know about “the rest of the world,” but when you come from a country where the government has always been corrupt, most people regularly face destitution, and food supply has never been certain, I’m sure many Americans must seem rather spoiled. In this woman’s view many of the people rioting about “injustice” here in this country, so filled with outrage, wouldn’t last a week where she comes from. That’s not to say there aren’t any reasons here for outrage—it’s just to challenge our expectations that we could live in a country where everything is expected to always go right and to assume that we will always agree with the people who are in elected office.

Writing from Houston in the aftermath of Harvey, with some dear friends displaced from toxic water, perhaps makes me especially sensitive to this insight. When you see the pictures in Houston with homes flooded, just know that’s not “nice” river water flowing through homes. It’s worse than sewage—a toxic stew requiring houses to be stripped and bleached before they can be rebuilt. Second Baptist, leading the way with recovery efforts, has a nurse on staff giving tetanus boosters and antibiotics to volunteers. This is nasty stuff.

“Good” people don’t get to avoid bad things. We know a married couple who have heroically served many pastors and our church and still, their office was flooded. You might hope “special” servants could get a miraculous pass from the Hurricane, but that’s not how it works.

On one of my first longer runs following Harvey, I slipped on some mud, fell against a buckled sidewalk, and tore some cartilage in my chest. It only hurts when I move, take a deep breath, or, God forbid, sneeze. Lisa immediately got me on turmeric, arnica and some lotion with mustard in the name, but she also began recounting the litany of running injuries I’ve faced through the years, with the implication, “Are you sure you should keep doing this?”

Next year will mark some forty years of running for me, and that must mean at least 50,000 miles on roads and trails. I can’t deny several medical issues (or the funny look in the doctor’s eyes this time when he asked me what I was taking for the pain and I replied “arnica and turmeric”), but my reply to Lisa was, “Given that I’ve run 50,000 miles, I think I’ve come through surprisingly well. Running in the dark, in storms, in bad weather conditions, with dogs and careless drivers, I’m surprised it hasn’t been worse. Yes, I think I should keep doing this!”

When we look at any marriage with occasional bad episodes, no matter how many miles we’ve travelled together, we might also ask, “Should we keep doing this?” We pledge to stay married “for better or for worse” but most of us never really expect the “for worse.” So when something bad happens, if our expectations are that only good things should happen, we can question our commitment.

Let me ask: do we truly think we can be married for a long time and never have bad things happen? Do you think a couple can be married for twenty years with no medical emergencies, no financial hardship, no major weather events, no employer or investor issues where you’re treated unfairly, no relational frustrations?

If we get married only expecting the “for better” and are surprised and resentful of the “for worse,” we’re going to be like the masked rioters who live in outrage because everything isn’t going exactly as we think it should.

Do you expect to raise several children without one of them having medical issues, developmental challenges, or any spiritual rebellion at all? Do you think you can be a member of a church and never be disappointed by a pastor or fellow church member? Do you expect to agree with all parts and every one of a pastor’s sermons and every decision made by the church leadership? Or do you get outraged at one disagreement and loudly storm out the door, telling everyone on Facebook why?

Do you think one disagreement with a spouse, one behavioral issue, one lethargic season is one too many?

Just what does it mean, really, when we pledge to be together, “for better and for worse?” Is there a place in our lives for the “worse” or are we going to make the “for worse” even more miserable because we’re outraged that life isn’t always perfect and then storm out the door?

When I see in a documentary a husband and wife leading their kids out of a bombed-out city, carrying everything they own on their backs, walking through the rain, and then I talk to a couple who leave their million dollar mansion to tell me why they can’t be happy together anymore, you’ll have to forgive me, but sometimes I think that woman from the war-torn country was on to something. As long as we expect every day to  be perfect and every season to be “happy,” every storm to be minor, and every marriage to be always connected and euphoric, I don’t know why we ever pledge to be there for the “for worse.”

I don’t think it’s possible to run 50,000 miles without an occasional injury. And I’m not sure it’s realistic to be married for 50,000 hours without some major disappointments.  But that, alone, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep doing it. Let’s thank God for the “for better,” but let’s not curse him (or each other) for the “for worse.”

Every marriage, every life, will have plenty of both.

[Note: with the other blog posts I’ve written, I trust readers will understand I’m not considering abuse as a part of the “for worse” that needs to be accepted rather than fled.]

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Recalibrate: Breaking out of Spiritual and Marital Doldrums

My son is getting two masters’ degrees at Harvard. Lisa says I shouldn’t tell people that because it sounds like I’m bragging but it’s relevant to the point I’m about to make, so please forgive me. Graham was visiting during a vacation and I noticed he was reading a pretty lengthy history book that didn’t seem like it would fit into either one of his Harvard programs. “What’s up with that, bud?” I asked.

Harvard gets amazing guest lecturers. Business tycoons and titans, former and even occasionally current heads of state, cabinet members, religious leaders, etc., take turns pouring out their wisdom, so Graham has heard from plenty of the “best and the brightest.” Here’s his reply: “I found out that all the super-successful people have one thing in common: they read lots of books and watch little television.”

Charlie Munger, co-Founder (with Warren Buffet) of Berkshire Hathaway recently said, “In my life I have known no wise people who don’t read all the time. None. Zero.”

It may sound self-serving as a writer to talk about the need to read, but I hope this blog post will make doing so sound practical.

In life and marriage it’s inevitable that we occasionally hit the “doldrums.” It’s not that things are really bad, it’s just that they become irritating. We find ourselves getting upset at the silliest things and there’s a constant air of frustration in the wind. One wife described her horror when she realized that even the sound of her husband’s voice set her teeth on edge. She just wanted him to go away!

I’ve found that when life and marriage approaches these seasons, I need to double down on spiritual recalibration. Our walk with God is the foundation out of which love and life flows. Sometimes, rather than address a depressing attitude, frustration with children, or irritation with a spouse head on, I just need to focus more intensely on God.

Romans 12:2 calls us to be transformed by the “renewing of our minds” so that’s where I like to start—renewing my mind with some intentional reading and less screen time.

If you’ve found yourself in a season where life just isn’t clicking, evaluate whether you’ve fallen into a lot of screen time and little or no page time. Determine to renew your mind and thus renew your life.

Prayerfully consider setting aside a month to pursue two tracks: thoughtful books that help you think about the things of God in the morning, and thoughtful books that can rejuvenate your marriage in the evening. Cut screen time down to a bare minimum—maybe thirty minutes at most, or sixty if you just can’t help yourself. Get up a little earlier to read by yourself for thirty minutes. Carve out time in the evening to read together for thirty minutes. Resolve to do this for a month to give it a chance to succeed. Once you get your mind working in the right direction, it’s amazing how much of life falls into place.

Sixty minutes a day for a month isn’t much, but it’ll pay amazing dividends.

Here are some suggestions for the “things of God” morning readings:

Dallas Willard

            The Spirit of the Disciplines

            Renovation of the Heart

            The Great Omission

N.T. Wright

            After You Believe

            Surprised by Hope

Bob Sorge

            Secrets of the Secret Place

 Gary Thomas

            Thirsting for God

            Authentic Faith

            Holy Available

 For the marriage evening readings, focus on books that give you an overall view of marriage, not just the “how to.”

Tony Evans

            The Kingdom Marriage

Timothy Keller

            The Meaning of Marriage

Winston Smith

           Marriage Matters

Sheila Gregoire

           Nine Thoughts that Can Change Your Marriage

Gary Thomas

           Sacred Marriage

           A Lifelong Love

           Cherish

If you want an extraordinary life and marriage, you can’t keep doing what everyone else does—tire yourself out trying to keep up with the latest Netflix or HBO hits. Lisa and I both enjoy our favorite series, but we also recognize it’s far too easy to let screen time grow and page time shrink, so this is just a friendly reminder to put “two and two” together: if things aren’t “clicking,” if a persistently sour attitude is hard to shake, if you feel frustrated with God and your spouse, resolve to deal with the disease and not just the symptoms. Do something different by cutting down on the screen time, recalibrating your mind, and reading more.

If you want an “average” walk with God and an “average” marriage, just keep doing what the average individual or couple does. If you want to reach a bit higher, resolve to do something different. If you’re like me, you’ll find that when you do, the atmosphere in your mind, home and marriage will start to get much, much sweeter.

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Good in Bed

Thus I have become in his eyes like one bringing contentment.  Song of Songs 8:10

“Don’t let this lawyerly facade fool you,” Sandra Bullock warned Hugh Grant in the movie Two Weeks’ Notice. “I’m actually really good in bed.”

I was eating an airline dinner, flying somewhere over the Midwest, when I put on the headphones and caught this piece of dialogue. In a Christian worldview, a single person wouldn’t know whether he or she was “good in bed.” But since I was stuck in an aluminum tube 30,000 feet above the ground, I had plenty of time to think, and the question challenged me in another context.

When did I last ask myself whether I was good in bed? While it’s a grave mistake to reduce sex to mere mechanics, the question can go much deeper: When did I last care about that question? And why do so many women’s magazines that cater to singles feature this question, while publications reaching out to married couples almost never even raise it?

How sad, I thought, that a single woman who has no long-term interest in a man could be more determined to please her boyfriend sexually than a married woman would be in pleasing her husband. Shame on me if I spend less time thinking about how to pleasure my wife than a single man might think about how to keep his girlfriend interested.

We have to fight against taking our spouses—and our responsibilities—for granted. And taking them for granted is easy to do, because on the day we marry, we gain a monopoly of sorts. Our spouses commit to have sexual relations with no one else. In a faithful marriage there exists no competition or even comparison. The only intimate life our spouses can and will enjoy is the intimate life we choose to give them. Regardless of whether we act thoughtfully, creatively, or selfishly in bed, they receive only what we provide. It’s sheer laziness if I give less attention and care to the mother of my children than some twenty-something kid gives to a young woman he met mere weeks ago.

Rather than make us careless, this exclusivity should make us grateful, and therefore even more eager to please our mates. The principle goes well beyond the bedroom, of course. You’re the primary person for intimate talk and encouragement. Are you “good in communication” too? You’re the first person who should be supporting your spouse in prayer. Are you “good in prayer”?

But let’s not act as though the bedroom is unimportant: When did you last ask yourself, “Am I endeavoring to please my spouse in bed?” If we’re slacking in this area, our spouses can’t really do much about it—but we can, and we should.

Here are some questions to ask: Do I want to reward my wife’s commitment to me, or do I want to make her regret it? Do I want to bless her, or will I take her for granted? Do I want to be a generous lover, or am I content to be a miser who reluctantly doles out occasional “favors”? Am I creative? Am I enthusiastic? Am I initiating?

Honestly ask yourself, “Am I good in bed?”

 

 

This post is an excerpt from the newly re-designed Devotions for a Sacred Marriage.

This book has 52 short devotions for couples to read and reflect on—one a week for a year. If you’re looking to give a “spiritual boost” to your own marriage, or want to offer a gift to another married couple, this beautifully designed book could be just what you’re looking for.

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Trading Partners, Trading Problems

I woke up at 4:20 a.m. this morning for the “privilege” of running in 81 degree heat with ninety percent humidity. It was awful. August can certainly be a challenge for Houston runners.

That’s why, a few weeks ago, I was excited to run in Albuquerque. Lisa and I flew in a day early for a pastors’ conference in part so I could enjoy running in a dry climate. I went out for a ten-miler the first morning, excited that, even though it was still kind of hot (around eighty), the humidity was only thirteen percent.

The last time Houston had thirteen percent humidity, baby Moses was floating down a river in Egypt.

Since it was only ten miles with low humidity, I thought I could get by with a small bottle of Gatorade, but that clearly wasn’t enough. I was seriously hurting toward the end of the run and couldn’t figure out why. Lisa had gone biking and felt the same way. We didn’t recover very quickly, either, which concerned me as I was scheduled to speak that evening.

“What’s wrong with me?” I asked. “This should have felt like an easy run.”

Later that evening, one of the organizers asked about our day. Lisa told him about my run and he said, “You do know Albuquerque is a mile high city, don’t you?”

“No, I didn’t know that,” I replied, not wanting to admit that the only thing I did know about Albuquerque is that the Partridge Family turned it into a killer song in 1970.  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38XsR...)

“We’re actually just a touch higher than Denver,” he added.

Given that my house in Houston is literally just thirty-two feet above sea level, I figured out why that ten mile run felt so difficult. I thought Albuquerque would be easier to run in than Houston because of the lack of humidity. I didn’t even consider altitude.

The same principle applies in marriage. If you think leaving the problems in one marriage will make you happier in a second marriage, you lack a biblical understanding of human nature. The second marriage will have its own set of problems, just different ones.

James 3:2 says we all stumble in many ways. According to the Bible, trading partners is merely trading problems. Yes, if you leave your husband you may be free of his passivity, but you may also wake up to discover that husband number two can seem a little controlling or embarrassingly confrontational. Yeah, your wife’s care free attitude might seem a little tiresome at times when she forgets to do things she’s agreed to do, but wife number two has a number of other issues just waiting for you to discover on the other side of the marriage altar.

I was so focused on getting away from humidity I didn’t even think about altitude. And in marriage, you can get so focused on a frustrating character trait that you become all but blind to the potential problems inherent in marrying an entirely different spouse. Which explains God’s wisdom that, absent abuse or persistent unfaithfulness (which goes far beyond being a “problem”), you’re best to stay where you are and learn how to manage it or, if necessary, even to endure it.

I can’t manage running in humidity. I could dress for all kinds of rain in Seattle; it’s not possible to “dress” for humidity. Clothes only make it worse. Some things, for some seasons, have to be endured. But come November, when my Seattle friends have running shoes that haven’t been dry since Labor Day, I’ll be enjoying carefree afternoon jaunts in a gentle sixty degree climate. In the same way, don’t let a spouse’s few challenges blind you to their benefits—benefits a new spouse may well lack.

There’s no perfect fit, no perfect spouse, and no perfect marriage. But there are a lot of great marriages and great spouses that get even better with time. Your best chance for happiness is to stay where you are, learn how to manage your partner’s weaknesses, keep reminding yourself of his/her strengths, and live a full life based on Matthew 6:33. That’s a much surer path to spiritual health and happiness than to go through the crucible of divorce only to marry an entirely different set of problems with spouse number two.

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3 Timeless Truths About Marriage

A lay counselor who has worked with hundreds of premarital couples told me that he particularly looks forward to the session when he lays out what he calls the “tough love truths” to the future bride (why he picks the bride for this, I’m not sure). During this session, David tells the woman that sometime in the first few years, she will wake up one day with the following three thoughts:

You’re not the man I thought you were.
You’re not meeting my needs.
Marriage is difficult.

David sees these three things as basically universal truths, and most people who have been married five years or more are unlikely to disagree with any of them. We don’t really know who we are marrying—there is always something more to find out. No one person can meet all our needs. And every marriage is difficult.

These “3 Truths” are healthy reminders for every married couple (it works for men every bit as much as it works for women). So often we want to particularize the challenge of our marriage, making it our spouse’s fault instead of admitting that no one fully and completely knows the person they are marrying; no marriage supplies all our emotional needs; and no marriage is always “easy.”  

The trick is to keep a universal truth from becoming a specific attack. For example: “You’re not who I thought you were” can lead to, “Therefore you must have lied to me or hid from me or misled me intentionally.” You’ve taken a universal truth about marriage and used it as an individual assault.

Let me add a caveat here, however, for one particular situation: Some abusive men are master manipulators and they really did commit fraud prior to the marriage, about who they were, what they value, and how they live. In such cases, that second statement may be necessary to evaluate the way forward. And some women truly can actively and intentionally cover up major issues (psychological, drug dependence, etc.) from their future husband that also amounts to fraud.

For most husbands and wives, though, it’s not about fraud as much it is about discovery, having our eyes opened to distasteful things, short of abuse, that are unpleasant and maybe even shocking to discover. Even if your spouse managed to be one hundred percent honest while dating, you’ll still find out a few unfortunate truths about him or her as the marriage progresses.

The second universal truth, “You’re not meeting my needs!” implies that someone else could meet all your needs. It can turn into a poisonous disappointment and contempt, all because you accepted the premise of a lie—that your spouse is supposed to meet all your needs. Imagine a coach berating Lebron James because during one game he missed half his shots or only pulled down three rebounds. Try to find any player who doesn’t usually miss half his shots!

Finally, “Marriage is difficult” can turn into “you’re difficult so something must be wrong with you.” No matter how prepared you are, growing close to someone who stumbles in many ways (James 3:2), submitting to each other out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21), loving your wife as Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5:25), trying to honor your spouse more than they honor you (Romans 12:10), wives maintaining their respect for a fallen husband (Ephesians 5:33)—spiritually, these are excruciating calls. Our flesh, pride, selfishness and love of comfort scream in protest against these biblical commands. They will never, ever be easy to uphold. It’s not entirely your spouse’s fault that marriage is difficult—in fact, it’s partly the fault of your sinful soul that grates against God’s high ideals for marriage and Christian living.

So let’s step back and remind ourselves of what David says we’ll experience when we wake up next to our spouse:

You’re not who I thought you were.
You’re not meeting all my needs.
Marriage is difficult.

When these universal truths become obvious to you, remember that this doesn’t mean you made a bad choice. It doesn’t mean you got a raw deal. It just means you got married. And now it’s time to make that marriage work.

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Hope in Disappointing Marriages

If marriage conferences make you ill because your spouse doesn’t change; if marriage books and blogs like mine frustrate you because while you want to improve your marriage your spouse doesn’t and won’t; if you feel disconnected from your spouse and you seem to be the only one who notices or cares, what then?

You have an opportunity for a difficult but rich spiritual journey. It’s not one anybody would likely choose on their own. At first it isn’t very sweet but in the end it can take you to a spiritually prosperous place.

Thomas a Kempis wrote that “You will quickly be disappointed if you seek comfort and gain from others. If, however, you seek Jesus in all things, you will surely find Him.”

As a pastor who works with real couples, I’ve become a realist. God can heal, but sometimes people resist healing. God will convict but sometimes a spouse will harden their heart. You can tell someone the truth but that doesn’t mean they’ll stop lying to themselves. I have great hope and optimism because of God. If a couple will cast themselves on Him He will do mighty, even amazing things. But sometimes one spouse will quench the work of the Spirit.

If there is no marital comfort to be found, find solace in spiritual comfort. Disappointment can actually lead to a good thing when it forces us to pursue more intimacy with God. When we look to people to notice us, affirm us and appreciate us we’ll have mixed success at best or perhaps even zero success. But when we seek God, we enter the realm of certainty. Jesus promises us, “Seek and you will find.” (Luke 11:9)

For whatever reason, when I was a young boy I felt insecure and alienated, like I didn’t fit in anywhere. I grew familiar with feeling ashamed, incompetent and bothersome. But that pushed me toward God so hard that there were some rich spiritual experiences even early on. I didn’t just want God, I needed God. Looking back, I wouldn’t change what pushed me into God’s arms because what I found there was far superior to youthful success, affirmation or even self-esteem.

I can’t tell you what your next step should be in regards to your disappointing marriage, but I can tell you what your first step should in regards to your life—chase after God until He rains down His affirmation, acceptance, mercy and love, until you realize that what is happening to you breaks His heart even more than it breaks yours. Sometimes, with some people, this can take a while; God may even seem resistant, but persevere. You have this promise from Luke 11:9-13:

“So I say to you, ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened. 10 For everyone who asks receives and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks the door will be opened. 11 What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead of a fish? 12 Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? 13 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” (CSB)

Then, when God has enveloped you with Himself, you can act with renewed courage and discernment. I’m not telling you to give up on your marriage or to stop trying. I’m telling you to renew your love affair with God. Give yourself a break from your disappointments by leaving human expectations behind and waiting on some heavenly consolation.

If the car battery is dead, continuing to turn the key only drains it a little bit more. At some point, you have to seek a different source of power. If you have been continually and persistently disappointed looking left or right, start looking up for the new charge.

This is not to minimize the pain and hurt you feel over a broken or dying marriage. I’m not pretending that it will ever stop hurting or that this will “make everything better.” I’m just saying that in the midst of your hurt, this will help, at least a little.

Thomas a Kempis adds these words: “Life without Jesus is a relentless hell, but living with Him is a sweet paradise. If Jesus be with you, no enemy can harm you. He who finds Jesus finds a rare treasure, indeed, a good above every good, whereas he who loses Him loses more than the whole world. The man who lives without Jesus is the poorest of the poor, whereas no one is so rich as the man who lives in His grace….Of all those who are dear to you, let Him be your special love.”

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