Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 53

Singles: If You’re Looking for a Mate, Make Sure They Have This

Single men and women, if your checklist for a potential spouse doesn’t include one very special ingredient, you’re selling yourself short. I don’t see this trait on a lot of “desirability” lists, but Biblically speaking, I think it’s pretty important.

Look for a valiant mate.

When Saul was chosen as Israel’s first king, he was more than a little sheepish. In fact, when Samuel proclaimed him to be the next ruler, they found him “hiding among the baggage” (1 Samuel 10:22).

In spite of this obvious lack of courage, Samuel exalted him, the people shouted “Long live the king!” and Saul then made a very wise choice: “Saul went to his home in Gibeah, accompanied by valiant men whose hearts God had touched” (1 Samuel 10:26).

Saul wasn’t as brave as one might hope a leader to be, but at least he was smart enough to surround himself by valiant men “whose hearts God had touched.”

Why is King Saul’s move relevant to your choice of a future marriage partner?

Here’s the shocker: you are called “royalty” by Scripture.  That’s how you should think of yourself in Christ: “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, so that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light” (1 Peter 2:9).

Revelation 5:10 speaks of those Jesus died to save: “You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God, and they will reign on the earth.”

Revelation 22:5 tells us that God’s followers “will reign for ever and ever.”

To know who you are in Christ is to recognize your royalty. That gives your life a certain purpose and responsibility and it means you need to surround yourself with “valiant” people whose hearts have been touched by God, beginning with your spouse.

A strong king or queen, on his or her own, absent valiant people, is a limited monarch and a vulnerable one. God created you to make an impact, to have influence, to spread his reign. We should see ourselves as vice-regents in terms of royalty, commissioned by the King of Kings to seek first His kingdom above all else.

So, in light of this, find a valiant spouse.

Valiant means someone who is bold, daring, and who shows great determination. This trait, for a ruler, is vastly more important than feelings or appearance. Saul didn’t care if someone was ugly; he wanted to know if they were bold, courageous and a good fighter.

As you’re evaluating someone, ask yourself:

Is this a person who attempts great things for God and/or someone who would support me in my desire to attempt great things for God?

Is this a person who is bold enough to speak up for God when others might laugh?

Is this a person who is daring enough to defend me in front of others, including from his/her own family if need be?

Is this a person courageous enough to confront me when needed?

Is this a person audacious enough to believe that God might use us as a couple?

Of all the things to look for in a future spouse, value valiance. If you want to be successful in your call to rule in God’s Kingdom, a valiant partner is a highly desirable trait.

Married couples, let’s help the singles out here in the comments section. If you can think of how having a valiant spouse has been a blessing to you, please share what happened and why you feel so blessed to be married to such a spouse in the comments section below.

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The Evil in Marriage We Rarely Mention

When we forget that evil exists within our own hearts; indeed, when we stop ordering our thinking and feeling around God and begin to live to please ourselves, we open the door to all kinds of evil in our marriage, especially the evil we are most likely to be unaware of or excuse: the evil of self-obsession.

We don’t like to talk about this evil as it pertains to us (though we’ll talk plenty about our spouse’s failures in this regard), but silence and ignorance is where evil grows. If we don’t recognize the existence of evil and guard against it we’ll never find a cure for it.

Instead, we’ll just explain it away or blame others for it.

Dallas Willard talks about how “We are like farmers who diligently plant crops but cannot admit the existence of weeds and insects and can only think to pour on more fertilizer. Similarly, the only solution we know to human problems today is ‘education.’”

Educating an evil person without regard to evil doesn’t remove the evil; it simply makes him or her cleverer in spreading their evil.

If I get all kinds of marital education and knowledge but never confront the evil self-obsession that lies within my heart, I’ll use that knowledge (my spouse’s love language, for instance) as a weapon rather than a blessing. I’ll employ her love language to get my way rather than to bless her.

Denial

The most popular path among Christians to deal with our evil self-obsession is to deny that it exists, or at least that it is motivating us. In his book Renovation of the Heart, Dallas Willard warns that “denial—usually in some form of rationalization—is the primary device that humans use to deal with their own wrongness.”

This is universal. Every married person reading this is in some way a bit in denial about the evil lingering in their heart that is negatively affecting their marriage.

Personal evil is so painful and difficult to admit that we are tempted to transfer the evil to others. We don’t think of ourselves as angry spouses; we think our spouse is wrong in lighting the spark that makes us angry.

A man doesn’t think of himself as lustful and unfaithful. He thinks of his wife as cold or preoccupied or neglectful.

A woman doesn’t think of herself as critical. She just thinks of her husband as a doofus.

The Cure

Evil is best confronted by ordering our minds and hearts around the presence and will of God. Evil is coddled when we forget God is God and try to set ourselves up as God.

This is where self-obsession assumes its throne. It is nothing less than evil for me to try to turn my wife into a “love Gary as he likes to be loved” machine. That’s narcissism. God calls her to seek His kingdom first (Matthew 6:33). Here’s the question to ask if you want to know how much you are directed by God and how much you are motivated by hidden selfish evil in your marriage: do you spend more time praying for your spouse’s relationship and service to God or more time praying about how they need to become a better spouse to you?

Edith Schaeffer wrote, “The philosophy of living with an underlying motive of doing everything for one’s own personal peace and comfort rapidly colors everything that might formerly have come under the heads of ‘right’ and ‘wrong.’… If one’s peace, comfort, way of life, convenience, reputation, opportunities, job, happiness, or even ease is threatened, ‘just abort it.’”

When my life isn’t ordered around God, I fiercely resent being inconvenienced. I’m driven to do what I want to do, what I think is best for me, and my wife will pay the heaviest price for my evil self-obsession.

According to Dallas Willard, “Self-idolatry rearranges the entire spiritual and moral landscape. It sees the whole universe with different eyes…The fundamental pride of putting oneself at the center of the universe is the hinge upon which the entire world of the ruined self turns.” He quotes John Calvin, who said that “the surest source of destruction in men is to obey themselves.”

Husband and wife: will you realize that self-obsession may be the biggest threat to you and your marriage’s happiness? If we do not admit that this is evil, if we are not aware of and do not actively confront the evil of self-obsession, that evil will make us and our marriages miserable. It is so much easier and feels so much safer to talk about the evils of others rather than our own. Dallas Willard again: “It is common today to hear Christians talk of their ‘brokenness.’ But when you listen closely, you may discover that they are talking about their wounds, the things they have suffered, not about the evil that is in them.”

When I understand how evil I am and how evil I can yet be, and that evil begins with self-obsession, I am more determined to order my life around God’s word and will and, just as importantly, release my wife to do the same. I will seek out the Scriptures to understand his heart. I will submit my thinking and actions in a way that proclaims in fact, not just in word, “You are my Lord and my God” and “You are my wife’s Lord and God.”

One of the best gifts you can give your spouse is to be ruthless about admitting and discarding the evil in your own heart, beginning with the evil of self-obsession.

 

[Note: this post could be harmful to men and women married to abusive spouses who have given themselves over to evil. While all of us need to explore and discharge the evil in our hearts, some spouses need to be saved from an evil, oppressive situation. If you suspect that may be the case with you, please seek other counsel. This teaching is for those who want to save their marriage, not for those who need to be saved from their marriage.]

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Pornography: The Digital Assault on Marriage

When I first wrote Sacred Influence in 2004, pornography got a few paragraphs. When I rewrote Sacred Influence to become Loving Him Well (just released), a wife dealing with her husband’s pornography became an entire chapter. In fact, it is now the longest chapter in the book. The rise of high-speed Internet access has transformed the way men access and engage with pornography. It hasn’t just changed its accessibility, however. It’s heightened the neurological and relational damage.

Since the entire chapter is almost eight thousand words long, I can’t include all of it or even half of it as a blog post. But I would like to discuss one of the main issues—how a wife initially responds to her husband’s use—and will refer you to the book Loving Him Well if you think this might be an issue in your marriage.

While the overwhelming majority of men have some history with pornography, and while it’s safe to say most men still feel tempted or even nervous about it, it’s also a legitimate and realistic desire for a wife to be married to a man who doesn’t look at pornography. That’s not asking too much. We shouldn’t accept something just because it’s common.

The experts I talked to when researching for this book had a few disagreements about the best way to handle this. Some counselors suggest the wife just step back and say, “You created this problem, you go do the work and fix it. I’m not your mom and I’m not going to get involved.” Others suggested that the wife can play a key role in repentance and restoration. Part of this depends both on the makeup of the wife and the state of the marriage relationship. I’m not sure there’s a right or wrong answer here.

Most all of the experts agreed, however, that the wife’s initial response to her husband’s use is crucial and that’s what I want to focus on with this post. A too-soft response could lead to re-occurrence, or the husband not taking the struggle seriously enough. A too-harsh response could lead the husband to shame and to start hiding, eventually making the problem worse (this isn’t to blame the wife for making the problem worse; it’s just explaining what sometimes happens).

Why Should You Care?

Pornography can literally rewire a man’s brain, making it difficult, if not impossible, for him to be completely sexually satisfied (or sometimes even aroused) by his wife. Pornography works on the neurological trigger of offering something new. If a man sees a familiar video or picture, he’ll usually click right over it. It’s “used up.” It’s the “something new” that titillates him.

You can quickly see how this is the antithesis of marriage, where a person finds full satisfaction in their spouse over the course of a lifetime. The same God-ordained sexual desire that can knit a man’s soul to his wife can get diverted to create a lust for women in general rather than desire for his wife in particular.

A man who is sexually faithful to his wife is training his mind (with the release of oxytocin) whenever they are sexually intimate to find his wife more attractive than all other women. We cultivate sexual appetite every bit as much as we cultivate a taste for certain foods. A man who is mentally promiscuous is literally training his mind to find other women more attractive than his wife.

So no, this isn’t something for a wife to just accept or get over.

Let’s be clear at the outset: your husband’s porn use is not about you, though it may feel that way. It was never about you. Most men who struggle with porn become users long before they meet their wives. Your husband’s continued use of porn after marriage is not your fault. It is not a reflection on your beauty or body. It is not about whether you have gained weight or about how well you perform in the bedroom. It is not about your desirability. It is, first and foremost, about your husband’s addiction or bad habits. You cannot and should not own this, and it is not on you to deliver your husband from it.

In fact, if your husband is not motivated by God and self, there is nothing you can do to deliver him. I offer plenty of advice in Loving Him Well for wives married to men who are motivated to change, but if your husband is not motivated to change, you may need to respond as if he is having an affair, not just an addiction. When porn use replaces sexual intimacy with a wife, it is an affair.

Sandy’s Story

Robert started looking at porn when as a young teen he discovered magazines at his uncle’s house. That led to high-speed-internet porn and a lifelong struggle. When Sandy found out her husband had gone back to porn, she was firm and told him, “It’s me or the porn. You can’t have both.”

Sandy may not have realized it at the time, but she initiated a textbook-perfect conversation with her husband.

Sandy had made it clear to Robert before they got married that porn use wouldn’t be tolerated. Robert said he wanted to give it up, but after the wedding, Sandy had her suspicions. When Robert left his computer signed on to his Amazon account, she checked his past history and saw the videos.

“I told you I wouldn’t tolerate this,” she said, “and I’m not going to.”

After dealing with the relational issue, Sandy stressed the spiritual angle. This wasn’t just about their marriage; it was about Robert’s relationship with God. She showed empathy and understanding about his past and the unfortunate way he was introduced to porn. It’s not a fair fight for a twelve-year-old boy to be told, “Click on this button and you can see what a naked woman looks like.” The curiosity is so high that few boys resist and for some of them, the rush is so intense that it unleashes a lifelong battle they never asked for. A little empathy here can go a long way. This isn’t an easy temptation to deal with, and many boys never went looking for it in the first place.

On the other hand, Sandy went past mere empathy to make it clear again, in case there was any doubt, “You will lose me if you continue doing this.”

She didn’t shame Robert. She demonstrated compassion.  But she wasn’t so soft that he thought he could have both her and porn. That’s not easy to do, but that’s usually the best response.

My good friend Dr. Steve Wilke told me that one of the most important things a wife can do in situations like Sandy’s is to be strong and ensure “healthy boundaries” but he adds that at a certain stage couples need to be “open and accountable for qualified counsel.” In other words, some couples can’t “fix” this on their own.”

Steve says, “She needs to be like Deborah, Rahab, or Ruth— the kind of woman who will look at her man and say, ‘No mas!’ Too often, spouses don’t appreciate the severity of the situation they find themselves in, and they end up perpetuating the problem instead of resolving it.” He adds, “These circumstances are serious and should be treated as you would any serious illness, with the same time and energy put into finding the best clinical care possible. If you want your marriage to survive, you have to commit to actively engaging in a treatment plan.”

Steve’s son, Dr. Ryan Wilke, a physician certified by the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology, explains the current understanding of the biological and psychological components of addiction, including pornography. “Addiction is more than just bad behavior and poor judgment. The brain registers all pleasurable experiences in the same way— whether it’s from enjoyable music, a walk with your spouse, or behavior necessary for survival, like eating and sexual activity (which can be healthy or pathological), as well as from intoxicating chemicals. The result of repeated exposure to intoxicating substances or behaviors is a conditioned response driven by the memories in your brain from repeated exposure.

“Eventually, this newly acquired brain pathway overrides our logical and rational mind. In essence, through habituation, addicts become slaves to a master they themselves created. This is a major reason addicts seemingly can’t just stop their behavior.”

Both of the Wilkes believe this is best represented in Romans 1. They explain, “When choices are made that are contrary to God’s original plan for our lives, as biological science demonstrates, what was a choice is now less so. God is a gentleman, and he allows us free will to make our own choices. But if we persist in making poor ones, eventually he steps back and makes way for the consequences of our free will. At that point, we’re no longer entirely free; we’ve become slaves.”

The reality of ignoring God’s consistent warnings is that our rebellious choices eventually shape our minds into rebellious brains. This is why a wife can’t afford to be weak or passive in the face of such a challenge. Dr. Steve Wilke explains, “She’s going to have to balance her fear of what has taken place in her life with her need to be strong in her marriage and for her children.”

The reason you want to get control of this addiction as soon as possible is that the longer it goes on, the more it will affect your husband’s brain. The good news is that following abstinence, the brain appears to begin to heal— but neuroscientists don’t yet know how much it heals. It may never go back to the pre- addiction phase. But it certainly can get better.

Recovery specialists are fond of saying that “recovery involves relapse” meaning that expecting immediate “perfect” and unbroken obedience isn’t likely. Dr. Steve Wilke agrees but adds, “Guys with stronger wives tend to have more positive outcomes.” In other words, if a man thinks you’ll go easy on him, he may try to find out how much you’re willing to tolerate to manipulate you. Dr. Wilke says, “When a wife says to her husband, ‘If you touch anybody or look at that stuff again, then I’m gone— and I’m going to tell everybody who asks me exactly why I left you,’ well, guys who get that speech have a better chance at a positive outcome.”

A sex addict helped me understand his need to learn to distinguish between urges, habits, and addictions. These are three different things. When the word addiction is used too loosely, it can make men feel they have a pass, as if they are not able to control themselves. Many husbands have strong urges; these can be overcome with resolve. Others may have bad habits—these usually require self-imposed accountability and serious effort. When we slip into the addiction language as if the man has no power over his behavior (which is the definition of an addiction), he may be more likely to just accept it and excuse giving in to urges or bad habits.

This requires professional care and diagnosis. Since porn often starts in pre- or early adolescence, some husbands will need to seek professional, board- certified help at the highest level. Second Baptist has a board- certified counselor I refer guys to who suffer from a long- standing addiction. Most of us pastors aren’t trained to understand the brain science behind breaking what has become a neurological addiction.

I know that I may have simply raised more questions than answers, but that’s the limitation of a blog. I do believe that the extended chapter in Loving Him Well offers some of the best summary steps wives can take, so without wanting to sound like a shameless huckster, I’ll refer you to that.

Regarding the comments on this post (and the inevitable emails): I’m not trained to treat a man/couple struggling with an addiction. Please don’t ask me to help you fix this situation in your marriage. It’s above my pay grade. I can interview experts and neurologists and counsellors, and I can search the Scriptures to offer general advice, as I do here and in the book. But I can’t in a blog comment or email reply “treat” a marriage that is mired in this problem. That would be malpractice. We won’t post such comments and I won’t be able to reply to such emails.

 

 

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Taking Action

When Your Marriage is Going in the Wrong Direction, Doing Nothing is Usually Your Worst Choice

[Note: this week’s blog post is an adaptation from my newly released book Loving Him Well: Practical Advice for Influencing Your Husband, which is a rewritten version of Sacred Influence. For this reason, it primarily addresses women and wives, but men and husbands should feel free to change the genders and apply it accordingly. Nothing stated here isn’t also true for men. In fact, I’d love to hear in the comments how men reacted to this.]

When a marriage is going “south,” one of the worst things you can do is…nothing. People in panic often fear making the wrong move but sometimes “no move” is the worst move. Not doing anything will get you just what you’ve got.

The first thing so many women (and men, for that matter) in the Bible had to be told was to stop being afraid and become bold. When Hagar was abandoned by her husband and exiled to what looked like her and her son’s slow starvation and death, God’s angel encouraged her: “Do not be afraid” (Genesis 21:17). When the women who had been faithful to Jesus were beside themselves with grief, wondering what had happened to the body of their precious Jesus, an angel admonished them, “Do not be afraid” (Matthew 28:5).

Because of God’s Spirit within us, we are sometimes called to bold action. The “safe” path is sometimes a slow drift toward destruction. One of my favorite Christian philosophers, Elton Trueblood, put it so well:

“The person who never goes out on a limb will never, it is true, have the limb cut off while he is on it, but neither will he reach the best fruit. The best fruit which human life offers seems to come only within the reach of those who face life boldly . . . with no excessive concern over possible failure and personal danger. The good life is always the gambler’s choice, and comes to those who take sides. Neutrality is seldom a virtue.”

Fear gives birth to paralysis—and sometimes inaction is our greatest enemy. Marriages can slowly die from years of apathy. I’ve seen many relationships wilt from unhealthy patterns that one or both partners refused to address until they became “calcified” and thus were ten times more difficult to break. This is true of addictions, unhealthy communication, and disrespect. The longer a bad situation goes on, the more ingrained it becomes and the more difficult it is to fix.

If you always play it safe in your marriage, you’re going to end up in some ruts. What I believe will give you the most boldness and courage to address issues that need to change is understanding who you already are in Christ.

The Spiritual Platform to Influence Your Spouse

Let’s apply some simple theology here. Who does the Bible say is your refuge — God or your husband? Deuteronomy 33:27 provides the answer: “The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.”

In whom does your hope lie? Your husband’s continuing affection? First Peter 1:21 says, “Your faith and hope are in God.”

Where will you find your security? You and your husband’s ability to earn a living and your husband’s commitment to stay married to you? Philippians 4:19 answers, “My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”

Where will you find supreme acceptance that will never fade or falter for all the days of your life? “As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,” replies Isaiah 62:5, “so will your God rejoice over you.”

If you’re trying to find your primary refuge in your husband, if you’ve centered your hope on him, if your security depends on his approval, and if you will do almost anything to gain his acceptance, then you’ve just given to a man what rightfully belongs to God alone.

And that means you’ve turned marriage into idol worship.

When you do that, both you and your husband lose. How will you ever find the courage to confront someone whose acceptance so determines your sense of well-being that you believe you can’t exist without him? How will you ever take the risk to say what needs to be said if you think your future depends on your husband’s favor toward you?

Your future depends on God, not on a fallen man. Your security rests with your caring Creator’s providence, not with your husband’s paycheck. Your acceptance as a person became secure when God adopted you, not when your husband proposed to you. If you truly want to love, motivate, and influence your husband, your first step must be to stay connected with God. Find your refuge, security, comfort, strength, and hope in him.

Armed with this acceptance, security, and empowerment, you become a mighty force for good. You can then claim the power of Moses’ words in Deuteronomy 31:8: “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Fear and discouragement create stagnancy and persistent disappointment in marriage. If you’ve had your fill of those, why not try God’s path of faith and boldness? When you begin taking initiative instead of simply feeling sorry for yourself, you become an active woman, and active women mirror the active God who made them.

An Active God

The first thing God wants us to know in Genesis chapter 1 is that he is an extraordinarily active God. In Genesis chapter one, thirty-eight active verbs describe what God does: he creates, he speaks, he separates, he calls, he blesses, he gives, and much more—all in just one chapter. Then—and this is key—he tells the woman and the man to do the same: “God blessed them [male and female] and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground’ ” (Genesis 1:28).

God made you, as a woman, to rule in this world, to subdue it, to act according to his image. Sin often drags us back toward sluggishness, despair, and despondency—giving in to life as it is rather than remaking life as it could be with God’s redeeming power unleashed. People give up on their marriages, give up on prayer, give up on their churches, give up on their kids, and eventually even give up on themselves. They say, “It’s no use,” and start to sulk instead of painstakingly remaking their marriage—simply because their first (or even tenth) attempt failed.

Initial romantic intensity is unearned; it seems to fall on us out of nowhere. But a solid, lasting marriage has to be built (and sometimes rebuilt) stone by stone. You married a fallen man and that means the time will come when you need to become an active woman to confront the weaknesses you see in yourself and your husband.

As daunting as this might seem, here’s the hope behind it: the current challenges in your marriage may well be God’s vehicle for you to become the strong woman he created you to be. Maybe you grew up with an overly passive view of being a woman. Maybe you’ve always let people run over you and allowed things to happen rather than to rise up and unleash the power that is yours as a woman not only created in the image of God, but filled with His Holy Spirit.

This challenge, as scary and painful as it might be, could be the doorway to new growth, new maturity and a new woman who more closely resembles the character of Jesus Christ.

For more teaching on this topic, check out Loving Him Well: Practical Advice on Influencing Your Husband: http://www.garythomas.com/books/lovin...

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The Beauty of a Rebuke

Legend has it that in a land far away, many centuries ago, there lived a husband who welcomed his wife’s rebukes. When she challenged him on some weakness in his character, he listened patiently and humbly, thanked her for her loving concern, made her remarks a matter of prayer, and changed his behavior accordingly. Eventually, he became known as “the husband who welcomed his wife’s rebukes.”

Have you heard of that legend?

No?

There’s a reason for that.

It doesn’t exist. It’s too far-fetched.

Except that Proverbs kind of encourages us (men and women alike) in that direction.

Proverbs 12:1 puts this attitude in bold-faced, italicized print: “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.”

I don’t have to consult the commentaries on this one. The Bible says that if I hate my wife’s loving challenges, I’m stupid.

In fact, it’s even worse. A straight-out translation would call me an “ignoramus.” One commentator says the word “refers to a stupid man who does not have the rationality that differentiates men from animals.”

This is where believing that God designed marriage to make us holy even more than to make us happy (expressed in my book Sacred Marriage) becomes so relevant and practical. Though Proverbs is written primarily to young men, and this instruction is most naturally seen as that between a parent and child, we know from many biblical passages that “growing” our character is a work that is never completed. If I truly desire to grow in holiness. I will, indeed, welcome my spouse’s appropriate rebukes. “Understanding” and “wisdom,” biblically speaking, are something we pursue and attain, not something we’re born with:  “Whoever listens to correction acquires good sense.” Proverbs 15:32

It’s not that I love being rebuked, it’s that I love knowledge and understanding, and reproof is the road I have to travel to get there. My wife can be more objective than I can in seeing what my behavior looks like without me trying to defend myself. The Bible tells me my heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9), that I can’t truly know myself. How kind of God to give me a spiritual sister in Christ who can protect me from delusional thinking.

The challenge, of course, is that sometimes I’d prefer to be delusional and comfortable than convicted and unsettled. As long as I remain in this state, I will resent my marriage and the exposure it brings instead of being grateful for it.

Christian husbands and wives are to be more than best friends and lovers. They are brothers and sisters in Christ, helping each other grow in God and righteousness.

One area where I see some wives and husbands struggle with this is when they think they are the more mature believer. The thinking goes, “As long as I’m stronger spiritually than my spouse, he should listen to me but he has no right to challenge me.” This can be especially true if the husband has fallen into a bad habit that the wife has struggled to forgive. As long as he hurt you that way, you (somewhat understandably) drift toward, “Don’t even think about challenging me, given all that I’ve had to forgive you for.”

You’re cutting off a major avenue of growth if you go down that road. If God can use a donkey to speak his truth (Numbers 22:28), he can use a “less mature” spouse. No one is perfect, and our evaluations, such as they are, shouldn’t be with other fallen sinners. The standard is Jesus Christ. When someone, be they ever so immature, can help us become a little more like Jesus, if we are wise we will embrace the correction. If we resent it, according to Proverbs 12:1, we’re stupid (God’s words, not mine!).  

So, here’s a wild date-night idea. In the interest of holiness, what if husband and wife were to go to a nice public place and both ask (and then answer) one question: “What one area do I need to grow in to become more like Christ?” Before you do that, friends, please, read, re-read, and memorize, Proverbs 12:1:  “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.”

 

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What are Vacations for, Really?

Lisa and I are about to embark on a Win Shape Sailboat Cruise where I’ll be speaking once every evening, and Lisa will be planning the play during the day. We’ll be out of the country, and I may not have the ability to interact with comments until we get back, but the thought of going on a cruise—with all the play during the day—reminds me of one of the unforeseen incompatibilities between Lisa and myself.

One of the advantages of being so broke the first decade of our marriage was that it kept Lisa and me from recognizing our “vacation incompatibility.”  When you can’t afford to go on one, you won’t ever find out that you can’t agree on what you’re supposed to do while you’re on one.

To me, “vacation” meant bringing along a half dozen books, not having a schedule, and spending most of my time (apart from daily runs) lying around and talking with the family.

To Lisa, “ vacation” meant exploring every last vestige of the city or island we happened to be visiting, with events scheduled pre-breakfast, post-breakfast, mid-morning, after lunch, a “special” dinner, and “just one or two things you need to see in the dark” after dinner.

Once we could afford the occasional vacation, it seemed like an impossible burden to overcome—we were living examples of James when he wrote, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it” (James 4:1–2).

The real problem was that both of us were using our own needs as the basis for what we thought the family should do. The subtitle of Sacred Marriage, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” made me think with a smile of a similar thought: “What if God also designed vacations to make us holy more than to make us happy?”

I thought I needed rest; Lisa thought she needed excitement, but what if what both of us needed was a bit of humility and a lot more Christlikeness? Maybe the purpose of any particular vacation wasn’t about me getting a certain amount of rest or my wife getting a certain amount of excitement. Maybe God’s agenda was to confront the pride that rules our hearts. God may not have been as concerned with what my wife and I deemed most important; He may well have been far more interested in both of us being shaped into the image of Christ: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus” (Philippians. 2:3–5).

It’s precisely because I so desperately wanted rest that I needed to be challenged not to make my wants the determining factor of how my family would spend its time. And it’s precisely because Lisa was so eager to do so much that the vacation afforded her such a powerful example of crucifying her own wants and learning to put someone else first. Isn’t it possible that God was more concerned about me growing in unselfishness than about me getting some rest? And isn’t also possible that God was more concerned that Lisa learned to think of the needs of someone else, even though she was so excited about seeing some new things?

If you don’t enter into these questions regarding so many marital situations (this goes way beyond vacations)—if, that is, you don’t see your pride as your greatest spiritual enemy, and Christlikeness as a worthy goal of your journey together—you’ll get lost in the give-and-take of conflicting personal desires. That will spawn nothing but resentment, frustration, and alienation.

When two people desire to grow spiritually, conflict acts like an X-ray. It shows the “doctor” where the problem lies, what needs to be cut, or what medicine needs to be applied. When two people just want to be happy, conflict becomes a battle—somebody has to win and somebody has to lose. That kills personal growth and it eventually erodes intimacy in the marriage.

It’s not until we crucify our pride and take on the same attitude as that of Christ Jesus that we can be freed to vacation with the ultimate purpose: enjoying ourselves immensely, but also allowing God to use a seemingly no-win situation in order to help two people both become more mature. In this sense, with neither of us getting exactly what we wanted, both of us won. God used a common event in life to accomplish His eternal purposes.

Every day we wake up in our marriages with a particular agenda: “Will I get what I want today?” This agenda may be deeply buried in our unconscious, but it drives us. When it’s frustrated, it can unleash a torrent of anger, bitterness, and resentment. How much better to choose to apply God’s agenda: “What does God want me to get out of my marriage today? Rest or service? Affirmation or greater humility? Fun or the chance to crucify my selfishness?”

Sometimes, the answers might well be rest, affirmation, and fun. But we should always be open to asking the question, “What does God think I need most this week?” and humbly submit to that.

But please don’t worry about us this week. We’ve learned how to navigate this and I am relatively confident we’re going to have a great time on this work/vacation. Fun and enjoyment are great blessings in marriage, and not every situation marriage calls us into needs to be thought of as a test. Sometimes we really can (and should) just have fun. But for both Lisa and I to get to the place where we can experience full enjoyment now, we had to first go through the above spiritual cleansing.

I share this just before we leave in case it might be relevant for one or two of you as well…

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What Did I Do Wrong?

 

When a family member—a spouse or a child—misbehaves or breaks your heart, the most natural reaction is to ask, “What did I do wrong?”

Wrong question entirely.

A therapist friend of mine, who has worked with thousands of couples in heartbreaking situations, always asks such people, “When God created the perfect world for Adam and Eve and even that wasn’t enough to keep them from sinning, do you think the Trinity asked, ‘Where did we go wrong?’”

When God blessed David, called him out of nowhere to make him a man of significance, put him on a throne, and David responded with adultery and murder, do you think God asked, “What could I have done differently?”

When Jesus lived as the perfect Messiah, giving Judas copious amounts of wondrous teaching, perfect counsel, and absolutely the best example anyone could ever demonstrate, and yet all that proved not to be enough for Judas, did Jesus ask, “What did I do wrong? Why did Judas stray?”

A near universal response for wives who find out their husbands have had affairs or been dabbling in porn—in fact, I’ve heard this from just about every wife I’ve talked to whose marriage has been marred by this—is, “What’s wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not creative enough in bed?”

Wives, it’s never about you. Sex can’t and shouldn’t be reduced to either spouse thinking they have to be more beautiful, younger, more creative, and better “mechanically” than anyone else in the world or their spouse might be unfaithful. Think about that line of thinking for just a second—that’s not marriage, that’s not real intimacy. It’s sick to even consider all that as necessary for a spouse to be faithful. It turns sex into an ugly performance instead of a cherishing act.

Thinking that we can be such good parents or such good spouses that our loved ones will never stray is to think we can “outdo” the Trinity. You cannot, as a parent, create a perfect Garden of Eden experience for your kids, but even if you did, they’d mess it up. You cannot, as a partner, be a truer companion than Jesus, but even if you were, you’d face betrayal.

There may be a time, later, when you reflect on what you could have done better, as a parent or a spouse. We can all improve, and the Bible urges us to grow in every area. But that’s different than thinking you can be such a good parent or such a good spouse that your loved ones will never stumble. “We all stumble in many ways.” James 3:2

If anything, the real answer to “What did I do wrong?” is, “You were born in sin and you live in a world where every family member has been born in sin.”

God’s remedy to this isn’t you, it’s Jesus. His grace, his forgiveness, his wisdom, his power, his redemption—that’s the ultimate solution. As much as we’d like to be, we’re not the answer; Jesus is.

So let’s stop wondering, “What did I do wrong?” and start asking, “How can surrendering to Jesus’ grace and presence help us find our way back?”

 

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Why are Christians so Mean?

 

Dallas Willard was once asked, “Why are Christians so mean?”

His answer was up to the task. He said that Christians are mean in proportion to when they value being “right” over being “like Christ.”

It’s not enough to simply believe correct doctrine; as God’s chosen people, we are asked to behave a certain way, particularly as it relates to others: “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Col. 3:12-14).

The book of Romans also sets up a high standard for believers, telling us to “be devoted to one another in brotherly love” (12:10), “never be wise in your own sight” (12:16) and keep in mind that “love does no harm to its neighbor” (13:10).  No harm. To anyone. So, in our relations with anyone we are to be devoted to their overall welfare, to not be overly confident in our opinion, and to never do anyone any harm. There’s no room here for any “Bible believing” Christian to be mean.

What a different world this would be if, indeed, we were “devoted” to everyone’s welfare, if we were humble in our own opinions, and committed to not do anyone harm—no gossip, no mean-spirited denunciation, no slander. Doesn’t that sound like a nice world to live in?

The new life of believers envisioned by Paul in Colossians 3 basically prohibits three things: sexual immorality, greed, and being mean. Sexual immorality is denounced in many ways and greed with one word: “Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed…” (v. 5)

This denunciation of sexual misconduct is perhaps what the modern church is known for. But in Paul’s way of thinking, we should also be known for not being mean. Being mean is denounced as extensively and vigorously as sexual sin: “But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips” (v. 8).

Put all this together, and Christians aren’t to be involved in any form of sexual abuse, sexual harassment, or sexual immorality of any kind, but we are also to shun any aspect of being “mean”: domestic violence, emotional abuse, bosses mistreating subordinates, bullying or ridiculing gays, violent rioting, and social media trolling. Just as the #metoo movement is challenging the notion that “authority” gives someone the right to be predatory, so the Bible teaches us that “right theology” doesn’t give us the right to mistreat others even when we think we are in the “right” and they are in the wrong.

Consider the life Paul calls us to in 1 Corinthians 13, a life of love. Love is patient when others mess up. Love is kind. Love isn’t rude or easily angered and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love always protects. There’s no attack in love.

If you are arrogant, harsh, impatient, unkind, and judgmental instead of compassionate, patient and gentle, you are not acting as one of “God’s chosen people” regardless of how many graduate degrees you have, how many Bible verses you know, how many books you have published, how big your church, organization, or social media impact is or even how well you control yourself sexually. It doesn’t even matter if you are “right” on the issue if you are acting in a wrong manner. You’re adding to the overall problem rather than being part of the solution.

One of the greatest temptations to be mean, of course, is when we catch someone else in a sin. We’ve all read of the Pharisees who caught a woman in the act of adultery (obviously and discriminatorily letting the man go!) and demanded she be publicly shamed, which Jesus refused to do. The Pharisees were right in thinking adultery is wrong; they were wrong in that they were acting in a mean instead of a redemptive way. This mob mentality currently has the Internet on its side, so public shaming can now be national and even international.

Anger over a sin is appropriate. A group of believers saying “Enough is enough, this kind of behavior can’t be tolerated anymore” is doing the Lord’s work. That’s what societal change is all about! God hates sin, and so should we. There’s a time and place to repudiate evil acts. But the way we talk about individual sinners, especially when we don’t know the full story, is the portal to us being lured into sin by adopting a mean-spirited response to sin.

There’s a fascinating reality about the way Jesus touched lepers. People were astonished that he could touch them without becoming leprous himself. Can we touch hateful people without becoming hate-filled? Can we stand against abuse without becoming abusive? We never feel more justified doing evil than when we are self-righteously confronting evil. Remember, it’s not just about being “right.” It’s about responding like Christ.

There is a group of people I would love to work with, support, and publicize because I believe in their cause. But their bullying behavior makes it impossible for me to join them. They carry the right message—a minority message, unfortunately, that needs to be heard—but simply changing who you bully doesn’t mean you’re not a bully, and I can’t join that. Methods matter.

This aversion to the growing meanness I see all around me (from both liberals and conservatives) explains why, if you look through my Twitter and Facebook feed, I doubt you’ll find me denouncing a single person (I’m leaving a tiny door open in case I’ve forgotten something from years ago). For starters, I usually don’t know the people I’m called to denounce and I don’t know the facts. And secondly, the people I do know who are caught in a sin I will treat according to Galatians 6:1: “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.”

Arrogance moves us to want to be heard rather than to be helpful. Pride makes us want to feel like we are on the “right side” while humility wants us to serve as God’s voice of healing to those who are on the wrong side. Self-righteousness gathers around common hatred and judgement of the fallen; grace gathers sinners together around the foot of the cross. Does what I say publically or privately help bring someone back, or does it push them further down? I’m grateful that God has and still does win me over with the kindness that leads me to repentance (Romans 2:4) and figure I should have the same attitude toward others.

What holds me back from commenting about individuals on Twitter, Facebook, and this blog is the awareness that I may be wrong. I may not have all the facts. When I don’t know the particular individual or situation or wasn’t there, I’m more likely to be wrong than right. And my uninformed opinion really shouldn’t matter to anyone, least of all myself.

This isn’t to challenge the courage of someone like Rachel Denhollander whose courageous speaking up finally brought an end to gross, evil abuse. Her testimony wasn’t mean—it was necessary and beautiful. I understand the concern some have that “silence is complicity” and if speaking up stops evil rather than just piles onto the evildoer, it’s a holy charge. The challenge today is that, with social media awareness, if I denounced every evil act in politics and the church, that’s all I’d be doing. And why some people get singled out and others don’t is a mystery to me.

John the Baptist righteously called out Herod. But he’s not writing this blog and you usually won’t find such a message here. You won’t find me addressing the “scandal of the week” as it pertains to Christian leaders or politicians. This blog will urge each of us to individually examine our own hearts. 

Remember: the same Bible that discounts sexual immorality also discounts meanness. Let’s be consistent. No hateful speech toward anyone, Christian or non-Christian, the “pure” or the fallen. Challenge misbehavior, but realize that God specializes in redeeming people who have misbehaved.

The people of God are to be different, in every way. Not just in our sexuality, but in our speech, in our temperament and manner, and in our love of grace and mercy. Let us be truly devoted to each other’s welfare, not overly wise in our own sight, and committed to doing no harm to anyone.

Let’s be different. Let’s not be mean.

[Note: I owe a big debt to a fellow writer/blogger who graciously gave much time to help me hone this message. I don’t want to mention her name because I’m not entirely sure she fully agrees with everything I say here and thus don’t want to embarrass her, but S., before God, thank you for being such a precious sister in Christ and courageous leader in God’s church.]

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Getting Better All the Time

[Note: the last two posts began a three-part series helping husbands and wives understand the way each other thinks. You can read those posts, Understanding the Mind of the Man You Married, and Mr. Fix It. All three posts are adapted from my newest book, Loving Him Well: Practical Advice for Influencing Your Husband (a substantial rewrite of Sacred Influence)]

The last two posts have discussed the differences between male and female brains and how these differences can impact a marriage. As this series comes to an end, let me ask couples to do much more than merely understand your spouse’s neurological differences. I want you to appreciate them and even try to learn from them.

It is God’s providential design that most of us will become the fullest, most mature person we can become by living in an intimate partnership with someone of the opposite sex. We must learn to understand and respect each other, and not arrogantly think our brain is superior. For most of human history, men have looked down on women as “the weaker sex.” For most of the past two decades, men have been portrayed as the troublesome (and sometimes even “toxic”) gender: vulgar, stupid, and clueless.

Neither attitude honors the God who created men and women to think differently and act differently. We need each other.

Husbands have much to learn from their wives and the way the female brain functions, and wives have much to learn from their husbands and the way a male brain functions. It is God’s wise plan that children be raised by two people with two different kinds of brains, thereby getting the best (and also, unfortunately, the worst) of both. The happiest of wives will be the ones who learn to respect their husbands’ brains and thank God for them, learning what she can, understanding why he does what he does and doesn’t do what he doesn’t do, and learning to cherish him in the midst of it. And vice versa.

Here’s what’s so astonishing: as we age, men’s and women’s brains begin to resemble each other’s more and more. Men gain more estrogen, and women more testosterone, and in this we become fuller and more well- rounded individuals. How astonishing it is that Jesus, while still so young (barely thirty when he started his public ministry), demonstrated the perfect balance of typical male and female strengths— courage and gentleness, forceful action and empathy, violent action (turning over the tables) and humility.

The fact that our brains evolve chemically leads to some very good news for marriages. It means that the best years of your marriage are likely still in front of you.

Wives, if you can learn to live with and appreciate your confusing male- brain husband through his twenties, thirties, and forties, there’s a surprising payoff in his late fifties and beyond: because older male brains produce less testosterone and vasopressin, the ratio of estrogen to testosterone increases, which means “hormonally the mature male brain is becoming more like the mature female brain.”*

Your husband is gradually growing into a person who will likely be more in tune with your emotions, more capable of making sound judgments, and more relational overall. If you divorce a man in his forties, you’ve likely lived with him through his most difficult relational years, and you may miss his most tuned-in, empathetic years.

This isn’t a promise—biology isn’t destiny, and though stereotypes tend to be true, they aren’t absolutely true. But the potential for your husband to become a person who is more aware of facial clues and more relationally in tune with you is high.

This explains in part, but of course doesn’t excuse, why older men are often able to date much younger women. It’s not just the money. A younger woman may well grow weary of a twenty- or thirtysomething male brain with its hypercompetitive, territorial, and sexually predatory nature and find it refreshing to have an older man who is more relationally aware. God’s ideal plan is that this man’s new awareness should be a gift to his wife who has been with him for three or four decades. When a man leaves his wife at this stage, it’s a double hit: she suffered while putting up with him in his more insensitive years, and then she misses out on what may well be his most relational years.

The younger woman’s devotion may be confusing to the original wife. The ex-wife may remember what this man was and thus not understand the new wife’s affection, while the new wife appreciates what he is and not understand the ex-wife’s rejection. This situation is terribly sad and goes against God’s creational design.

What a blessing to go through the early decades together, learn to understand each other, and then appreciate those golden years when your brains have gotten used to each other and you share decades of the same memories, the same children, and the same grandchildren.

If you value relational connectedness and understand the slow evolution of the male and female brain, it really is true that “things are getting better all the time.” A gentler, kinder, more relationally aware husband is likely on the way.

 

 

*Dr. Louann Brizendine, The Male Brain.

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Mr. Fix It

 

[Note: the last post began a three-part series helping wives understand the way their husbands think. You can read that post here: Understanding the Mind of the Man You Married. All these posts are adapted from Gary’s newest book, Loving Him Well: Practical Advice for Influencing Your Husband. This post also has much relevant information for husbands, so I hope both genders will take advantage of this information.]

 

One of the most common frustrations in marriage is that some wives think their husbands are nearly robotic when it comes to emotions, and some husbands may think their wives are overly emotional. Stereotypes aren’t always true and can even be destructive, but in this instance, when it is true, it really is “a brain thing.”

Every man has been told that women want us to “listen” instead of trying to solve their problems, and that’s a fair request. But wives need to know that holding back from problem solving is literally (that is, physiologically) painful to a man.

Dr. Louann Brizendine, a neuropsychiatrist who studied at Yale and Harvard and is now on the faculty of UCSF Medical Center, offers the following common interplay between a husband and wife:

DANIELLE: “I just want Neil to listen, give me a hug, and tell me how he knows I feel. But he goes into robot mode and starts telling me what I should do.”

NEIL: “That’s not how I see it. I already told her I feel bad about all the pressure she’s under. She wants me to listen to her and be sympathetic, but then she won’t listen to my suggestions . . . Seeing her cry and not being allowed to help her is torture to me.”

Wives, will you please consider Neil’s last sentence: “Seeing her cry and not being allowed to help her is torture to me”? You think he’s being insensitive; to him, not trying to make her feel better is what seems insensitive.

There are two emotional systems that work through our brain. Bear with the technical lingo for a moment, but basically women tend toward the MNS (the mirror- neuron system), and men toward the TPJ (the temporal- parietal junction). A woman expresses empathy by mirroring a person’s distress and concern because her brain clicks toward the MNS form of emotional processing. The male brain expresses empathy by a process called “cognitive empathy,” which focuses brainpower on stopping the problem instead of understanding the problem. It’s still empathy, though it may not feel like it for you. In order to solve a problem, other areas of the brain have to be stilled, which in this case is the MNS. The TPJ system works to protect the male brain from being “infected” by other people’s emotions so it can fully focus on solving the problem (Dr. Brizendine discusses the brain science behind this in her book The Male Brain).

Two days after writing about this concept for my book Loving Him Well, Lisa requested special prayers. She had a very bad reaction to a very bad antibiotic and was still suffering some side effects of neuropathy. Almost immediately after she described her numb lips and a few other effects, my first words were, “Maybe I should take you to the Mayo Clinic this summer and get everything checked out by experts.”

Totally wrong thing for me to say/do!

Number one, we live in Houston. Anything you can find at the Mayo Clinic you can find here. Number two, Lisa simply wanted me to listen, empathize, and pray for her. And because I was researching brain differences, I knew that’s what she wanted. I had been duly warned by Dr. Brizendine and had even put some of this in writing, but my default brain response remained, “How can I fix this?”

We men can and should learn to listen first, but maybe God knew what he was doing when he wired this “fixit” mentality into the male brain. At the very least, you might want to give your husband the benefit of the doubt. Instead of seeing him as insensitive, consider the fact that his response is what seems most sensitive to him. He’s trying to be sensitive, and it’s confusing to him when you won’t let him be that way. It’s like having an adolescent son who is hurting, and you instinctively reach out to touch him— and he acts like your physical touch is repulsive and pushes you away. You can’t imagine that he doesn’t want to be hugged, and it’s both hurtful and confusing to you that he doesn’t. You want to show that you care, and he won’t let you! That’s how your husband feels when you resent him for wanting to get involved or offer advice.

I’m not saying you have to give in and let him fix things; I’m saying it’s important to learn to understand him, talk about this dynamic, and figure out a way for the two of you to address this together. You may well know how to fix the problem even better than your husband does, and it’s completely legitimate for you to just want to talk about it.

I’ve learned (though I’m far from perfect in living this out) that when Lisa shares a frustration, my first and only response is to be understanding and empathetic. Several hours later, it’s all right for me to come back to her and say, “I’ve been praying and thinking about what you shared with me earlier. Have you thought about maybe doing this?” If there are hours between her sharing and my “solution,” she typically receives it a lot better. I suggest talking over this solution with your husband. You may not want to hear his suggestions, but in stopping them, you are asking him to shut down the empathy function in his brain. That’s risky. Instead you can set up a win- win by explaining, “Honey, when I share a hurt, what I really want is for you to hear me, understand me, and show empathy. There’s a time and a place for problem solving. When I first share the problem with you isn’t that time or place. Wait at least a few hours.”

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