Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 50

Learning to See What God Sees

The conversation took place almost a decade ago, but I can still remember it. “If either of you ever have any doubts,” this man told me and my best friend, “you need to know you’ve got two really good boys.”

The man speaking to us was our sons’ high school principal. He’s the kind of school administrator parents dream about—involved with students, present on campus, wise and empathetic. The three of us met weekly in a Christian accountability group so we often got the “inside scoop” as parents in regards to what was going on at the school.

From his vantage point as a principal, our friend saw everything. And he wanted both of us to appreciate the positive impact our sons were making at their school.

It can be scary raising children because you want them to turn out well. You know the stakes, and you hope your kids are among the “good ones.” But you also see every imperfection. For Christians it’s even more intense because, admittedly, we have other standards as well, caring about things like faith, prayer, and thirst for God and His word. It’s not enough that our kids aren’t into drugs. We won’t be happy unless they’re also into Jesus.

Because we care so much it’s only natural (but still a dangerous temptation) to look at our kids and see primarily what needs to change. And if we’re not careful it’s easy to define our children by what needs to change rather than affirm them with what they are already doing and who they already are that honors and glorifies God.

We need far more of the attitude displayed by the apostle Paul. He dealt with churches that had every kind of evil imaginable: sexual sin, infighting, laziness, self-indulgence, heretical teachers, you name it. Yet in all his letters he comes off as an encourager who notices the good.

Consider his words to the Romans:

“And concerning you, my brethren, I myself also am convinced that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge and able also to admonish one another.” Romans 15:14

Really?

Didn’t he just warn them, “Do not be arrogant!”(11:18)

Didn’t he just tell the “strong” to lighten up on the “weak,” and the “weak” not to judge the “strong?” (chap. 14).  Didn’t he have to admonish them, “Who are you to judge the servant of another?” (14:4) Didn’t he have to lecture them to “accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God?” (15:7)

Throughout his letters, Paul exercises the grace to call out someone’s good in Christ even in the face of their weaknesses.

For marriage and parenting, we need the eyes of Paul, always thankful for the good we see wrapped up in lives of imperfection.

Paul doesn’t allow any weakness to define the church at Rome; instead, he defines them by the grace of God. He chooses to see the goodness God squeezes out of their limitations: “I am convinced you are full of goodness.”

After having to patiently set them straight on fundamental issues like faith, the law, circumcision and the Sabbath (where it’s clear they’re dangerously close to veering off course), he then tells them how confident he is that they can “admonish” (teach) one another. He schools them, but then says, “you’re ready to be teachers.”

Paul was brilliant at calling people further forward while commending what God has already done and will do. He speaks as if obedience is already done because he’s so confident in God’s presence and empowerment. He may well be the most brilliant motivator the church has ever known, and the book of Romans proves it.

Can you, like Paul, learn to respect an imperfect husband who occasionally stumbles or gives way to pride? (I’m not talking about accepting physical or verbal abuse, dangerous addictive behavior, or the like.) Can you love an imperfect wife who gives in to a critical or negative spirit? Even after witnessing these weaknesses are you bold enough to say, “I am convinced you are full of goodness?”

Anybody could love a perfect husband or wife, a perfect son or daughter. It’s no credit to you if your love is conditioned upon godly behavior. Christian community—beginning with the family—calls us to love, accept and affirm the less than perfect, as we view everyone through the lens of grace—the same lens through which God views us.

My son’s principal encouraged two dads because he understood while no student is perfect, he could clearly see the evidences of God’s grace in both our sons’ lives, and he didn’t want us to miss it. He didn’t want us to do anything less than encourage our sons and affirm their maturity and growth. He had the heart of Paul, the same heart all of us should seek as we live in grace-based families.

Can you rise from prayer, knowing your spouse and kids are still struggling with several weaknesses, yet put your trust in God confidently enough to state, “I am convinced you are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge, and able to instruct one another?”

If so, you know that grace has visited your soul.

It comes down to this: what will be the song our family members hear us sing most often?

Will it be songs of God’s promise or songs of each other’s failings?

Paul looked at what God was doing over and above what those in his care were doing. When we look through those eyes—the eyes that see God’s provision, God’s empowerment and God’s grace—we can’t help but respond with hope, encouragement, and affirmation.

The post Learning to See What God Sees appeared first on Gary Thomas.

What to do When Sacred Marriage Doesn’t Work?

 

I’ve been asked several times, “Gary, what do you do when Sacred Marriage doesn’t work?”

At first, I was confused by the question. What did they mean by “work?” When pressed, they eventually came around to mention that their spouse hadn’t changed. They bought a book that purports to teach us how God can help us grow through marriage but expected it to be about how God can use us to fix our spouse.

If I may be so bold, the message in Sacred Marriage is revolutionary. It was when God first convicted me with it, and it remains so today. It’s so revolutionary, in fact, that I have to be reminded of it at least three times a week to maintain its focus.

If you will embrace and believe its truth, however, you will never look at your marriage in the same way again. And you will never complain that Sacred Marriage doesn’t work.

The message—that God uses marriage, in part, to help us grow—wasn’t discovered by me and isn’t owned by me or unique to me. In his book (which I’m happy to recommend) Louder than Words: The Power of Uncompromised Living, Andy Stanley recounts a conversation with a man that mirrors several conversations I’ve had about the purpose of marriage.

A fellow who was having trouble in his marriage came to see me for advice. For forty-five minutes he told me all the things that were wrong with his wife. If half of what he said was true, he had every right to complain. He was a Christian, and he knew everything the Bible had to say about marriage. He was especially well-versed in the portions dealing with wives and submission.

When he finished, I asked him, “How can I help?”

 

“Tell me what I should do.”

 

“What do you think God wants you to do?”

 

“I don’t know. I’ve tried everything.”

 

“What do you mean, you’ve tried everything?”

 

He went on to tell me all the things he had done to “help” his wife.

 

When he finished, I said, “I get the impression you want to ‘fix’ your wife.”

 

“Yes,” he said. “I do. But I don’t know how.”

 

As we talked further, it became evident that this biblically astute believer was operating from several false premises.  Assumptions he wasn’t even aware of. Assumptions that contradicted several passages of Scripture he firmly believed. But the truth of these passages never made their intended impact because of the undetected, covert lies that were warping his mindset.

False Assumption #1: Husbands have been given the responsibility of fixing their wives. That’s what he actually believed. And since he believed that was true, he acted on it—which only made the problems worse. The truth is, God has not called men to fix their wives. He has commanded us to love them.

The interesting thing was that this man could quote the verse about husbands loving their wives. He knew it. He just wasn’t operating from it. He said he had tried loving her. “I’ve tried being nice and sweet and patient, and nothing changed!” This brought to surface another false assumption.

False Assumption #2: Love is a tool, and if it doesn’t get the job done, it’s okay to use another tool. He tried loving her to get her to change. And when it didn’t get the job done, he put down that tool and picked up another. But love isn’t a means to an end. Manipulation is a means to an end. And when love is used as manipulation, it isn’t love.

Let’s be honest. There is a natural but near-demonic bent in us that redefines love as manipulation. I’ll do this for you, but then you have to respond the way I want you to. We’re like the Godfather who told the “beneficiaries” of his “generosity,” “There will come a day when I will need a favor from you…”

It sounds so evil to hear a crime boss utter those words. When the very same sentiment comes from our mouths, however? Well, we define that as “marriage.”

 

I’ve just finished and sent to the publisher the manuscript for my next book: When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People. One of the key insights for me personally in doing that study was comparing the generous, no-strings attached love of God who invites us to freely make wise choices, with the controlling, manipulative actions of toxic people. Control and manipulation are tools of toxicity. They are doubly dangerous when we try to redefine them as caring and loving.

 

This year, let’s be ruthless and honest regarding our motives in marriage. Are we loving our spouses, or are we trying to manipulate them? Are we trying to turn them into “love me like I want to be loved” machines, or are we partnering with God to help them flourish as the people God created them to be?

The post What to do When Sacred Marriage Doesn’t Work? appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Joy to the World

“But the angel said to them, ‘Don’t be afraid, for look, I proclaim to you good news of great joy that will be for all the people…’” Luke 2:10

Want to know the absolutely best present you could give your spouse or family for Christmas this year?

You won’t find it on the ubiquitous “12 Best Christmas Gifts for Wives” or “Ten Gifts Your Husband Will Really Love” Internet lists that circulate this time of year.

The best gift you can give to each other and your children is a heart filled with Christ-inspired joy.

In a Christmas Day sermon, Martin Luther proclaimed, “Whoever preaches [Christ] rightly, preaches the Gospel of pure joy.”

Charles Spurgeon preached for the heart, which is why he told his congregation, “I like to hear of overwhelming joy in the hearts of those who are God’s saints.”

Some (seriously misguided) think that the apostle Paul preached an almost oppressive holiness, but if you take his letters at face value, you read of a man who is all but obsessed with joy:

Rather than define Christianity as legalistic rules, Paul said, “The Kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.” (Rom. 14:17)

He prayed for the Romans, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace…” (Romans 15:13).

He tells the Philippians he doesn’t want to die yet so that he can continue to grow “your progress and joy in the faith.” (1:25)

I could go on and on, but I think the above makes the case that “joy” isn’t an option for a healthy believer. It should, in fact, be a defining characteristic of who we are.

What if you allowed Christmas to “jump start” your family’s embrace of joy this season? More important than stockings above the fireplace, or whether you have a real or artificial tree, presents spilling out underneath, gingerbread houses or candy canes, are two parents who have an unusual amount of joy in their hearts.

Wouldn’t that be the best Christmas tradition you could imagine? Just think how you’d feel if in twenty years, when your kids shared their Christmas memories, the one they all agreed on was, “Our home was such a joyful place during Christmas time.”

Indeed, if we’re not giving our kids a joy-filled home, we’re not giving them a truly Christian home. If we’re not giving them a day that showcases joy, we’re not giving them a truly Christian Christmas.

Ask yourselves, what will most serve our family’s joy this year?

One thing to consider is reminding each other of a key message of Christmas: our need and God’s provision for our sin by sending His Son. There can be no joy when we live under condemnation. Do our kids know the freedom offered to us by Christ? Have they received it? (This is the perfect time for family evangelism.)

Joy is also preserved when we refuse to let the lesser drown out the greater. Let’s be more concerned that our kids are mindful of Christ and His story when we take them to church rather than whether their hair is a bit mussed or their matching outfits don’t look quite right. You might be unemployed, but in Christ you are spiritually rich. You might have lost a loved one, but in Christ you have the hope of heaven.

Finally, consider cutting back on your schedule. It’s hard to know joy if we’re tired and run ragged. I’m serious, moms—your kids may be far better served if you start taking naps and buy a few less presents or hang a few less decorations. Nothing so gloriously colors Christmas like a Christian woman filled with Christian joy.

This may sound harsh, but I believe it to be true: if Christian homes are not bastions of joy on Christmas day, we’ve failed the holiday. Tragedies and disappointments can temporarily steal our smiles, but they must never rob us of joy. Especially on Christmas, we remember that God sent the Christ child just when and where He was needed most—and He’s not going to hold out on Christ’s provision during our current need. In the midst of sorrow, there can be a deep undercurrent of assurance and satisfaction that, in the light of eternity, every Christian always has a reason to hope, even in the face of pain.

You can celebrate Christmas without presents (many have). You can celebrate Christmas without turkey (vegans do it all the time) and you can even celebrate Christmas in Texas without watching football. But celebrating Christmas without joy?

For a Christian, that just doesn’t make sense.

The post Joy to the World appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Love Love

Last week, we talked about the need to hate hate. In this two-part series, we’re looking at the blessing of loving love.

 

No one has more joy than the person who has learned to love love. We’re not talking about loving someone merely as a duty but loving because God has made it the passion of your heart. Loving others becomes your favorite thing to do.

Hatred makes us sick. It poisons our heart. Love lifts us up to want the best for everyone. Imagine a life in which no one is your enemy, at least not in your attitude.

A person who loves love doesn’t know what it’s like to live with a heart soured by envy. We rejoice with others rather than think their success or welfare hinders ours. If our joy rises or falls with our own success, we can only be happy with the welfare of one person. In a fallen world, that’s like trying to balance on a beam one hundred feet off the ground—for the rest of your life. It’s only a matter of time until you fall. If, on the other hand, your joy rises with anyone’s success, you are made newly happy every time anyone succeeds or is blessed. Even in a fallen world, a lot of people succeed. So you’re made newly happy many times a day.

A person who loves love doesn’t have to worry about being “caught” or overheard. When you act out of love, there’s tremendous peace. If you are “caught” speaking of someone else, it will only bring you closer to the one you are speaking about because you speak only encouragement and blessing.

A person who loves love has tremendous hope. Because you want the best for someone, and because you believe in God, there is never a moment when you “give up” on someone because you would never give up on God. If you want the worst for someone, you are betting against God, hoping that he fails to woo them, win them, and transform them. Pity the person who depends on God failing for them to be satisfied.

If you love love you will live with many delightful opportunities every day. There are so many opportunities to show and give love that we will never be disappointed because we are not able to show love. And since love satisfies us, we are content when we love and we can always love, so we can always be content.

A person who loves love feels unusually close to God. “God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them” (1 John 4:16). You feel the favor of God, the fellowship of God, and the joy of God in seeing something good happen to and within someone. You align yourself with God and his aims and all the presence of heaven rejoices with you, increasing your own joy and happiness.

Indeed, one of the very best things about being a Christian is being freed from hate by living a life of love: “Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us.” (Eph. 5:1-2)

How do we live such a life of love?

First, receive God’s love, daily. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19). For me that’s prayer and Bible reading, letting God speak his love and grace into my heart. If I go a day without reminding myself of God’s affirmation, affection and approval, my love “runs out.” I can’t store it up. I need God’s love to be a continually flowing river. Otherwise, everyone around me pays the price.

Second, don’t treat others based on how they treat you; treat others based on how God treats you. One of the foundational thoughts of my marriage (shared in A Lifelong Love) is viewing Lisa as God’s daughter and God as my “heavenly Father-in-law.” That means rather than how she acts or treats me determining my response, my choice to love her is based on honoring my heavenly Father-in-law, to whom I owe everything.

Third, even when someone is a jerk to me, I ask God to help me have the attitude of wanting that person’s best. If they’re a jerk that “best” is to repent so confrontation may be necessary. But it’s always focused on them finding the acceptance of God and responding in kind to live a life of grace and love themselves. God loved us while we were yet sinners (Romans 5:8) and we’re called to do the same.

Finally, don’t be discouraged and give up because you’re only in process. When it comes to loving love, I’m at about five percent of where I long to be and where God calls me to be. But I’m on my way, headed in that direction. I’m not going to let bad moments or even bad days deter me. I am convinced in the depths of my soul that this is the life I’m destined for. It is the most satisfying life. The most blessed life. The life of Jesus. So I’m going to keep pursuing it even though I’m such a poor example of it.

As believers, if we get just two things right, we will come pretty close to doing and being all that God asks us to do and be: hate hate and love love.

The post Love Love appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Hate Hate

The Jesus life is much more radical than most of us care to admit. In particular it means that as Christians, we don’t get to hate anyone (1 John 4:20).

Look at this in the context of other sins: for instance, if stealing is wrong, it is wrong to steal from anyone. You are a thief even if you steal from only one person. The fact that you don’t steal from most people doesn’t mean you’re not a thief. It just means you’re particular in your sin. If you steal only once a year, you are still a thief, even though you don’t steal the other 364 days of the year.

Or try telling a judge you’re not a murderer because you’ve only killed one person in the past twelve months… The infrequency of a sin doesn’t make it not a sin.

When Jesus says looking with lust makes you an adulterer even though you’ve only committed that sin in your heart, it follows that hating someone makes you a murderer. In the ethic of Jesus, if you would commit murder, you are a murderer.

So, if hate is wrong, it is wrong to hate anyone at any time. Focusing your hate instead of crucifying your hate is a double sin as it simply seeks to justify that which God condemns. Our faith calls us to want the best for everyone and to love others as Christ has loved us (John 13:34). God loved us while we were yet sinners (Romans 5:8), so even the hateful actions of others doesn’t give us license to hate them back.

If you love your family and your friends and those who agree with you but hate one, two, or ten people who disagree with you, you are, by definition, still a hater. All your love for the others who are like you doesn’t stop you from being a hater. Even if you hate someone because they hate others, you are still a hater. You are joining in their cause. Satan doesn’t really care why you hate. He just wants you to hate. Whether your hatred is based on personal grievance, prejudice, political persuasion, or anything else, you are still, by definition, a person of hate even if you hate just one person.  And that makes you part of the problem, not part of the solution.

If you only hate Republicans or only hate Democrats, you are still a hater. If you only hate whites, or blacks, or men, or women, you still are a hater. No hatred is purer than any other hatred. Arguing that your hatred is justified for any reason is like members of the Ku Klux Klan arguing over who amongst them is most like Christ when their very membership, the cause that joins them, denies and mocks Christ our Creator. None of them are like Christ. There is no holy KKK alliance. And there is no holy hater.

When it comes to people, the only thing we should hate is hate. God wants everyone to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth (1 Tim. 2:4). For me to curse anyone, or wish ill on anyone, is for me to curse God’s plans, desires, and heart for that person. When hate enters my heart, I begin working against God’s will. I am no longer a God follower. I am, by definition, a God resister. Another word for this is antichrist.

That is why we must love love and hate hate, in every relationship and with every person.

“Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister” (1 John 4:20-21).

One of the most effective methods of counteracting hate is intercessory prayer. Praying for God’s best for someone moves hate out of our hearts. I can’t ask God to bless someone with his light if I am obsessively cursing their darkness. I can’t ask God to prosper someone if I want to ruin someone. Either prayer or hate must die in my life; they can’t co-exist. So when I feel most aggrieved by someone, my self-defense (that’s the way I try to look at it) is to pray for them, that God would move them toward love instead of hatred, service instead of dominating, and a life of giving instead of controlling and destroying.

Why pray for the good of someone I naturally despise? It is far better for the kingdom of God, and ultimately even for me, if, instead of having one less enemy, I have a fellow brother or sister in Christ who is now working with me to see the advancement of God’s kingdom. Jesus told us to pray for more workers for his kingdom, not to destroy his enemies. Prayer is about the only place where my heart can make that turn. More than I want anyone to be destroyed, I want them to become a fellow worker in God’s kingdom.

Let’s follow through on what it means to be a true, devoted follower of Christ. That means learning to hate hate.

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How to Know if You Should Marry Him

William Law lived in a time (the eighteenth century) and place (England) where he believed a superficial and misguided education usually made young people worse rather than better. Young boys, he said, were fired with ambition and selfishness, trying to make a name by establishing themselves as better than others, which, of course, is the opposite of Christian character that seeks to serve others. Girls, Law complained, were told to find their value in outward appearance rather than character. They were more concerned about learning how to cover a blemish on their face, keep up with current gossip, learn how to excel in empty amusements and silly conversation, and maintain a slim waist, rather than growing in wisdom, building a strong faith, filling their lives with good deeds, and daily repenting of slander and vanity.

Thankfully, things have gotten much better in the last 250 years (ahem…).

When it comes to marriage, Law urges believers to avoid potential suitors who are more concerned with outward appearance—what they wear and the shape of their bodies—than they are with the inner qualities of humility, love, and generosity. Though his language speaks to women in search of men, guys who want to follow his guidance can simply switch the genders. The truth is applicable to both.

Law urges women to let three things in particular guide their search for a husband.

First, Law says your future husband should be a person who has worked as diligently on his own character as you have on yours.  If you’ve read Scripture and Christian books, and eagerly pursue sermons and Bible studies, make it your aim to find a man who does the same. If a guy you’re interested in can’t find the time to read, views sermons as a chore and far less interesting than the latest podcast, and if he accepts the vices of pride, lust, slander, malice, and an easily ruffled temper without any concern or effort to leave them behind, he’s not fit to be your husband. In other words, don’t marry a man who takes his character less seriously than you take yours. If he has a strong body but a weak soul; if he can do a hundred push-ups but lacks the power to keep his eyes from undressing that waitress, he’s too weak for you where strength matters most.

Two, William Law says he must be “a friend to all your virtues.” Here’s what Law means by that: a suitable husband should want you to be what Christ wants you to be and value that above all else. Here’s what Jesus desires of you: “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” (Col. 3:12) Does this guy want you to be compassionate, giving your money to those in need? Does he praise you for taking the time to be kind to others or does he want you to be focused only on him? Does he value humility—that you don’t live to be noticed but to noticed others, or does he want you to dress in a way that draws attention to yourself because that pleases him? Do you feel comfortable slandering people in his presence, or do you feel conviction? Does he think reaching out to the poor or socially awkward is an embarrassing waste of time and money, something that’s “beneath you,” or does he marvel at how your priorities mirror those of Jesus Christ? Is he proud that you want to share your faith, or embarrassed that your doing so might make others think less of him?

Third, the way you really know he’s a “keeper” is that you can’t imagine living “without the benefit of his example.” If you can say that the way he lives out his faith, worships God and inspires you to do the same is something you never want to lose, you’re making a wise choice based on all the right reasons.

Law thinks so little of romantic feelings that he doesn’t even mention them. I’ve interacted with numerous people who tell me they have found a person of great character and deep devotion, but they don’t have the “spark” or those “over the top” in-love feelings they think they should have. It makes me a bit sad when that’s all it takes to make them walk away. Perhaps there are many more people of character and deep devotion out there than I realize; it’s been a long time since I’ve been in the dating market. But if there’s not a lot out there, I’d be hesitant about letting one go.  

What You’re Looking For

Ultimately, it comes down to this: Someone who lives to reflect, worship and enjoy Christ will want most of all to marry someone who has the same goals, aim and desires. Character, faith and priorities matter far more than appearance, income, and emotions. So, find a man or woman who works as diligently on their character as you do yours (even above physical fitness, appearance, and finances); who is a friend to your virtues (encouraging your growth instead of sabotaging it); and whose example of a Christ-like life is so inspiring, you never want to be without it.

(I am rarely asked about a dating situation that isn’t in some way already addressed in The Sacred Search. If you want to explore what it means to make a wise marital choice, I’d urge you to get the book or go through the DVD.)

The post How to Know if You Should Marry Him appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Dirty Diapers and Fresh Hearts

 

As most of you know, I’m married to an organic loving, buy local, GMO free, do-all-things-the-healthiest-way-possible wife. All the way back in the 90s she decided that there was no way we’d let plastic diapers “with all those chemicals” ever touch our children’s precious bottoms.

So we used cloth diapers.

There were actually two other families in the United States that used cloth diapers at the time, but I think we were the only ones within a hundred miles of Washington, D.C.

In our pursuit of preserving the purity of our children’s posteriors, we put their dirty diapers in a large trash-can-sized diaper pail filled with water, and then waited until it accrued about fifty pounds of diapers (so, about twelve hours), and then dumped it into the utility sink, where they could be rinsed and then washed.

Guess who got the job of dumping the fifty-pound bucket?

You’re welcome, Allison, Graham, and Kelsey…

One night I was particularly tired. The last thing I wanted to do was lift up that diaper pail and try to get the contents into that sink without splashing my clothes, but I had an early flight the next morning so it had to be done or we’d run out of clean diapers while I was away. As I balanced the plastic diaper pail on the edge of the sink, my oldest daughter started tugging on my pants.

“Watch out honey!” I warned our oldest daughter Allison, but she was insistent.

“I made you a picture for your trip,” she said.

And apparently I needed to see it right now.

“See, it’s two hearts,” she continued. “This one says, ‘I love you,’ and this one says, ‘I’ll miss you and want you to come back right away.”

Maybe it was the pungent fumes.

Maybe it was my level of exhaustion.

But suddenly my tears were mixing with the nauseating diaper water. That one simple picture from my daughter, when I felt tired and unappreciated, is one of the most precious gifts I’ve ever received. It nourished my soul. I would have dumped a hundred diaper buckets just to get another moment like that from one of my kids.

Years passed and Allison became old enough to walk to the store and buy things for herself. We lived in Bellingham, Washington at the time, which meant catching early flights out of Seattle, and that often meant leaving the house around 3:30 a.m. The whole family would be sleeping for at least another three hours and I was feeling, once again, a little taken for granted. Our resolve to keep our kids in Bellingham rather than move closer to a major airport felt like it was killing me. When I unlocked my car, I saw a big bag of Life Saver Mints—the individually wrapped kind that don’t make you feel like a kid for eating them.

I took one look at that bag and knew it was from Allison, and sure enough, it was. “You work so hard for us,” the note read. “I hope this makes your trip sweeter!”

The 90-mile trip to Seattle felt like it took about five minutes that day. I’m sure the sun wasn’t really shining, but it kind of felt like it was.

Many of us are making all sorts of plans about how to feed ourselves and our families on Thanksgiving Day. Let’s pause to consider how we can feed our marriages with thanksgiving.

Old time preacher Clovis Chappell once said, “Gratitude is a child that we must watch and train and develop. Gratitude must be cultivated. It must be tended and watered and watched over or it will die.”

Gratitude doesn’t come naturally. On the contrary, the way our brains work, we tend to stop noticing the commonplace. For instance, if you live by the railroad tracks, trains won’t keep you up at night. Your brain will learn to ignore the sounds.

The same can be true, unfortunately, of marital blessings and our spouse’s strengths. The very things we once most admired about our spouse soon become commonplace; we literally stop noticing them. If you’re married to a spouse who values fitness, a spouse with a great sense of humor, a spouse who has a deep faith, or a spouse who is an incredible parent, eventually your brain won’t register these strengths as something new but rather as “that’s just the way things are.” They no longer count as “extra credit.” They’re more like, “been there, done that, so what?”

Here’s the spiritual trap. When gratitude dies we start expecting these things instead of being grateful for them.

Thanksgiving Day is a time to pause and thank God for the many blessings we take for granted, but it’s just as appropriate to also use the holiday as a time to pause and start thanking our spouse for everything they do that we take for granted and fail to mention.

When we treat our spouse’s character qualities and hard work as expected facts of life, we overlook the strengths but notice the irritations and disappointments. What we notice is what we usually talk about. Which means, even if you have a great spouse, your brain’s natural drift is to remain silent about the positive and to mention each disappointment and frustration. Our spouse won’t hear “thank you” a tenth as much as they hear, “how could you?” or “why won’t you?”

Take charge of your brain. The Bible encourages us, “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy—dwell on these things” (Philip. 4:8). You can control your mind. You can choose to notice and mention a positive quality you’ve noticed and mentioned a thousand times. Come on—do it a thousand and one! The more you thank, the less you’ll complain and the more your spouse will feel…cherished.

Lisa recently had a challenging weekend. She has been a superstar mom for thirty years, so tireless and zealous for our kids’ spiritual and emotional health. If they’re on the phone and so much as sneeze, it’s, “are you gargling with salt?” Sore from a workout? “Taking your arnica?” So when I knew she was willingly going through another tough weekend away from home to be with one of our kids, I didn’t want to take it for granted. The day after she got back, this arrived:

Lisa sent me a text message with that picture and wrote:

“What??? Just because?? So pretty!”

Just because? She really didn’t know?

Here’s the thing. My wife was taking herself for granted. She’s so used to being such a good mom, she didn’t even know why I’d want to thank her.

Would you take a moment to thank God for whatever excellent thing is praiseworthy about your spouse? Whether it’s their faith, their humor, their commitment to your family, their loyalty or their work ethic, remind yourself that amidst all you wish they might do differently, there are some areas where they excel. And after you’ve thanked God, thank your spouse. One little thank you from a family member can turn a stinky diaper pail into a trail of happy tears, or a long, early morning commute into a five-minute joyride.

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God Made Us Needy

A blockbuster quote from a blockbuster book (Unwanted) by Jay Stringer unmasks what I have seen but been unable to describe in marriage:

“Few of my male clients recognize any needs they have except for sex. This puts a tremendous strain on their partners to be sexual in order to experience intimacy. The pressure men put on their partners inevitably erodes desire. How can a partner desire the very thing she is pressured to offer? Attunement and containment allow sex to become something other than the release of tension or the solo symbol of commitment. Eroticism between a couple is strengthened through being woven together with holistic passion, pleasure, and care.”

If a man isn’t aware of his relational and spiritual needs, the dopamine hit he gets from sex becomes his only cure whenever he’s down about anything, which makes his wife his only “rescue” for everything. Sex then becomes inherently selfish and a crushing burden on the wife.

To be a healthy husband with a healthy sexual relationship with his wife, you have to look at your life far beyond your sexual desire. You have other needs—intimacy with God, fun and laughter, meaningful work, respect, recreation, adventure, beauty, and rest. Get in touch with those other needs. Recognize it’s not selfish to pursue and fulfill those needs.

If you neglect yourself entirely to serve your wife and family, you can “give” your way into becoming selfish. So that you don’t miss that last sentence, let me restate it another way: if you try to keep giving without regard to your own basic needs, you can turn yourself into a selfish person because, for starters, you’re not God and can’t give infinitely, and secondly, eventually you’ll become desperate and demanding of at least one need (often sex, but also perhaps food or gambling or an out-of-control hobby). If that need isn’t met, your spouse will live with either a bully or a sulking adult who more accurately resembles a toddler.

All of us are “needy men” because God made us that way. We’re not miniature gods. We need food or we’ll starve. We need water. No one shames a person for these needs. Nor should we be shamed for wanting meaning, recreation, relationship, respect, occasional fun and sexual pleasure.

One of the greatest weaknesses of my life so far (there have been too many to count, so this is saying something) has been the neglect of self-nurture. I’ve felt guilty my entire life asking for anything. But that stupid philosophy taken to an extreme doesn’t make me less needy—everyone is needy—it just makes my demands passive (which makes them sound and feel even more pathetic). It asks others to step up as I think I’m stepping up. And when they don’t? Bitterness, resentment, and withdrawal (sorry, Lisa).

Men, recognize your needs. Name your needs. Don’t apologize for having needs. Of course, all this has to be done while recognizing that our wives have similar needs and we need to make sure theirs are met as well. Our needs aren’t more important than our wives’ needs, but they also aren’t non-existent, selfish or shameful.

Seek a “full” life. For me, a good day means my mind has to be stimulated, usually with thought-provoking reading about God early in the morning (the Bible, a Christian classic, and a chapter from a contemporary book) and an interesting history, biography or novel in the evening. I like to connect “significantly” with at least one friend every day. Exercise is pretty essential to my sense of well-being. Meaningful work matters to me, as well as the occasional risk-taking vocationally (being an introvert, that happens every time I speak publicly). I don’t care that much about food, but I do need a down day now and then and could do a much better job of planning (or taking) vacations.

Most men need adventure. I like the fear at the beginning of a marathon. Some men prefer their “fear” at the tee box, needing to score a strike for their bowling team, or playing a round of darts with their buddies after work. A man without some challenge is a man who is setting himself up for an addiction (so wives, encourage your men to seek their own adventure).

Here’s the point: a “full” man who manages his own needs is able to give to his wife and family more than a man who ignores his needs and becomes passively demanding.

All this is true for women as well, of course, but I’ve never heard a counselor tell me that “Few of my female clients recognize any needs they have except for sex,” so forgive me for playing to stereotypes for one blog post here. Women can be just as prone, however, to giving and giving and giving, neglecting their own needs in a martyr-like spirit that ultimately doesn’t serve the family long-term.

The Bible talks plenty about enjoying life. The Feast of Tabernacles in 1 Kings 8 was a fourteen day celebration in which Israel was basically commanded to party.

 

The psalmist praises God’s nurturing gifts:

He makes grass grow for the cattle,

and plants for people to cultivate—

bringing forth food from the earth:

 wine that gladdens human hearts,

oil to make their faces shine,

and bread that sustains their hearts (104:14-15).

 

The writer of Ecclesiastes affirms a life of enjoyment: “Moreover, when God gives someone wealth and possessions, and the ability to enjoy them, to accept their lot and be happy in their toil—this is a gift of God” (5:19).

If it’s good, it’s from God: “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights” (James 1:17).

If you’re dealing with unwanted sexual behavior, Jay Stringer’s book Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals our Way to Healing could be a game changer. If you need help learning how to pursue a bit more self-nurture, I’d point you toward my own book Pure Pleasure: Why Do Christians Feel So Bad About Feeling Good?

For the purpose of this post, let me ask you, what are your needs? Give yourself permission to think about them. Talk about them with friends and your spouse. Name them. Be more intentional about mapping out a strategy to meet them. Sex is a very legitimate need, but it’s not your only need, and in a full life, it may not even feel like your most important need.

For instance, when a man needs respect but isn’t getting any, whether his wife says “no” or “yes” to any sexual encounter may not have as much to do with the sexual act as it does about whether she is going to “respect” him by her answer. There are other ways to get respect than through a spouse’s sexual willingness. Don’t just “take it” when your wife talks down to you; explain to her in a quiet but clear way how it feels to be so disrespected in front of others or even in private. Become a respectable person at work and with your friends and kids. If I’m respected by everyone around me and disrespected by one, I’m going to question the judgment of that one instead of myself, even if that “one” is my spouse.

Here’s what I’ve tried to say in the past that Jay Stringer’s quote uncovers: when a marriage is doing well, sex isn’t that big of a deal in marriage. It’s pleasurable, it renews affection, both spouses look forward to it and enjoy it, but it’s not a central focus. It feeds the marriage, certainly, but it’s not what the marriage is primarily based on. When the sexual relationship is broken, however, the marriage seems to become primarily about sex, at least in the mind of the disaffected spouse.

In a healthy marriage, sex is seasoning, not the main course. Life would be much blander and much less enjoyable without it, but it’s not the primary nutrient feeding the relationship.

So, guys, become more aware of your overall needs as you keep on respecting your wife’s needs. Figure out a way to get those needs met. You’re responsible for your own needs. You may need to learn how to say no to other demands in order to meet your own needs, maybe for the first time in your entire life. That’s okay. In fact, that’s healthy.

Your goal is to create a “full” life out of which you can give to your wife, sexually and otherwise. The more your wife feels pleasured and fulfilled in your sexual relationship, the more likely she is to want to experience it, so your own sexual need gets met even more—not because it’s demanded, but because it’s desired, which, to a healthy man, is even more fulfilling than a coerced “mercy” encounter.

Your needs aren’t the problem. Demanding that those needs be met by one person in one way—that’s the problem.

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Hungry Again

This is the third in a series of posts excerpted from my new book, Preparing Your Heart for Marriage, a devotional for engaged couples. The second half of the book goes through every phrase of the traditional marriage vows so that when couples exchange their vows on their wedding day, they’ll have thought through, prayed through, and talked through all that they are saying. This week’s post is based on the promise to be true to our vows “so long as you both shall live…”

  Hungry Again

“So long as you both shall live….”

After returning from a hard workout one evening, I came home to a wonderful meal prepared by my wife. It was a little late for dinner, about 8:15, and the challenging workout had only increased my hunger.

The meal was wonderful, just what I needed.

I woke up the next morning and after working for a while, wanted to go for another run. It was a bit frustrating, though, as I was…hungry.

Why?

I had a perfectly decent meal last night. Why should I be hungry again?

Could it be that though I had a good meal eleven hours ago, that doesn’t mean I’ll never be hungry again?

You’ve gone through a devotional to spiritually prepare yourself for marriage. Some of you are also taking the wise step of going through pre-marital counseling, where you’re talking about major issues in your relationship. It should be no surprise that this is making you both feel a little closer to each other. You’re “feeding” the relationship, so it’s growing.

But the relationship will never reach a point where it doesn’t need to be fed, any more than you could enjoy a $200 dinner and be satisfied for a full week. If you stop feeding your marriage, one or both of you will become hungry again.

The Bible stresses the need to persevere in doing the right thing: “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

The “harvest” results from continuing to do the right thing, working until the very end. You’re not just choosing to get married; you’re choosing to be married. That means feeding your marriage every day, “so long as you both shall live.” You’re promising not just to live together, but to grow toward each other. Your spouse will have a legitimate expectation that, after the ceremony, you will make your relationship a top priority in your life. On your wedding day, you’re not just saying “I do.” You’re committing to, “I will. For the rest of my life.”

I don’t want this to sound like an obligation, but rather an invitation. It’s not always “comfortable” to choose to work out, but the reason I do work out is because I feel better the other 23 hours of the day. I have more energy, less stress, more joy.

In the same way, when you feed your marriage it’s like pouring a river of contentment through your soul. Frustrations at work won’t matter as much; agitations in other relationships won’t sting so sharply; physical ills will be easier to endure. A happy, well-connected marriage makes all of life more pleasant. The highs become more fun, and the lows feel less suffocating.

You won’t always feel like “working” on your marriage but it will always pay off (eventually) when you do. Investing in your marriage, in your intimacy, in your connectedness, will give you far more than it will cost you. Think of it this way: you’re committing to have a lifetime of laughter! Passionate lovemaking! Soulful discussions! Too many meals together to count! Listening to each other’s dreams! Perhaps raising children together!

You no longer have to wonder “Will I find someone to love me?” or “What would it be like to be married to that person?” You get to live in reality. You get to take all the energy you spent wondering “what if?” and now spend it living “what is.” For the rest of your life, your priorities become much simpler: God first. Your spouse second. Everything else fights for number three.

The search is over. A new life—a life of intimacy, joy, challenge, and purpose—begins. 

Some of the most powerful, life-giving, exciting words you will ever agree to are, “so long as you both shall live.”

Heavenly Father, there are so many good things to pursue in this wonderful world You have made, but guard my heart so that I don’t put anything ahead of my relationship with You and then my relationship with my future spouse. Give me the commitment to feed my marriage on a daily basis. Don’t let me become weary; don’t let me become apathetic. I realize I am entering a relationship that will need to be nurtured for the rest of my life. In Jesus’ name, amen.

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Money, Money, Money

 

This is the second in a series of posts excerpted from my new book, Preparing Your Heart for Marriage, a devotional for engaged couples. The second half of the book goes through every phrase of the traditional marriage vows so that when couples exchange their vows on their wedding day, they’ll have thought through, prayed through, and talked through all that they are saying. This week’s post is based on the promise to love each other for richer or poorer.

Money, Money, Money

 “For richer, for poorer…”

Did you know that Jesus talked about money more than he talked about heaven and hell combined? Close to 800 scriptures discuss money. About one-fourth of Jesus’ parables are about money, and one out of every seven verses in the Gospel of Luke discuss money.

Here’s the real shocker, one that people can hardly believe: Jesus actually talked about money more than he talked about love.

Why do you think this might be true?

Money carries a spiritual weight that can lift you up or hold you down. It will bless you as a couple or it can become a deep divide.

Every one of us has a unique relationship with money that rarely gets discussed and that usually remains unconscious. Our feelings about money are visceral, deep-seated in the core of our being, and many of us don’t even recognize the way these feelings motivate us. Some of us deeply fear losing our money, and we react with panic and anger if it is threatened. Others of us are driven by greed to always have a little bit more, and we will sacrifice some of our most intimate relationships to make more time and energy available to procure more money.  I have seen some literally sacrifice their health and peace of mind to bring “just a little bit more” into what already looks like an abundant pile of resources. For still others of us, we’re driven by a simple selfishness that insists “what’s mine is mine” and are robbed of the tremendous joy found in giving. A few blessed souls have found that generosity with money brings great freedom.

The Bible does speak favorably of sensible saving (Genesis 41; Proverbs 21:20; Ecc. 11:12) but even more about generous giving (Deut. 15:10; Psalm 112:5; Prov. 22:9; Mal. 3:10; 2 Cor. 9:6-10). It seems to suggest that financial planning is a wise thing to do (Prov. 27:23-27) and exalts hard work over laziness (2 Thess. 3:10; Prov. 24:33-34). It also suggests that wanting to leave an inheritance behind is a good thing (1 Tim. 5:8; Prov. 13:22). All these together suggest that managing your money in a God-honoring way will bless you and nurture your marriage, while ignoring Scriptural truths about handling money may bring much misery, frustration, and pain into your life and marriage. Not thinking about the best ways to manage your money will likely lead you to the default position of mishandling your money.

You and your future spouse will be combining your financial assets, so to become one you’re going to have to talk about your relationship with money. Even if you keep your money separate (though I hope you don’t), how you save and spend your money will impact each other. Take an honest look into your own soul to discover just how you feel about money, in a way you may never have thought about it before.

What gives you the most joy: a certain level of savings? Knowing that you’ve given away a certain amount? Seeing others smile when you meet a need? Getting to buy something you’ve wanted to buy for a very long time?

What gives you the most security? A certain credit score and a consistently growing retirement account? A secure job? Knowledge that your heavenly father has promised to provide all your needs?

When working with premarital couples, I usually find that their giving is rather haphazard. They often give primarily on the spur of the moment, without a plan, when someone presents a dramatic need. If they had a close relative die of cancer, it is likely that they give a yearly donation to a cancer foundation of some kind. Others will say they take advantage of a charity their employer will match. Still others like to simply claim that they “tithe” with their time, and therefore don’t really worry about how much money they give away.

As a Christian couple, you need to give, generously and often. Sometimes, it should hurt. At the end of the year, when you add up all that you gave for tax purposes, it’s okay to lose your breath for a second and think, “But we could have bought x, y, or z with that,” and then remind yourself, “Yet giving it to God’s work was the best thing we could have done.”

Where you give your money reflects your heart. It’s understandable that you would want to contribute to research to stop the spread of a disease that has afflicted a loved one; it’s a good thing to want to support a local symphony or library. Yet Christians are told to seek first (primarily, above all other good things) “the Kingdom of God” (Matthew 6:33). We should be all about living for and celebrating the spread of Christ’s kingdom. That’s why my wife and I like to focus on works that glorify Jesus and spread his word. That doesn’t mean we don’t ever give to “civic” charities or medical pursuits. We do and we have. But it does mean that we want to invest most of what we give to work where God is the hero, and where God is specifically exalted.

If you’ve never studied this issue, consider listening to Andy Stanley’s three-part sermon series entitled “Crazy Like Us.” http://northpoint.org/messages/crazy-like-us/.

The reason I call evaluating your relationship with money “spiritual preparation” is that if you learn the lessons Andy talks about (there are three sermons; they would make for three great date night discussions), money will be a positive force for good in your marriage rather than something that rips you apart.

The spiritual secret is this: generosity blesses the generous even more than it blesses those the generous people give to.

Since money troubles are a major factor in marital break-ups, it’s a wise investment at this stage of your relationship for you and your future spouse to spend a few hours examining your hearts and the Scriptures, and making a plan to be wise stewards of the resources God brings your way. Let your upcoming wedding be the launching pad for a new relationship with money.

If money was important enough for Jesus to talk about so much, it should be important enough for you to search out his teachings on the subject and discover just why he emphasized our relationship with money.

Heavenly Father, let our upcoming union call us to a thoughtful awareness about our relationship with money. Help us to understand our fears and motivations and beliefs about money, and give us hearts that honor you and your truth when it comes to how we should handle, save, and give our money. In Jesus’ name, amen.

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