Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 51

Fixed Focus

Looking for a great gift to give to an engaged couple that will help them get spiritually prepared for marriage?

Are you half of an engaged couple and want to enter marriage prayerfully and thoughtfully?

My newest book, Preparing Your Heart for Marriage: Devotions for Engaged Couples is available for pre-order now (it releases November 6). The second half of this devotional goes through every phrase of the statement of intent and marriage vows so that during a couple’s wedding, the language will be more than just familiar—it’ll be something they’ve talked about, prayed over, and committed themselves to, making the ceremony all the more special.

This week’s blog post (and the next two) will feature a few devotions from this book to give you a taste of what’s in store.

The Most Important Things

“Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you as well….” Matthew 6:33

One of the most important skills you need in order to excel in marriage is rarely talked about, but it’s essential: focus.

A great marriage is all about maintaining the right focus on the most important things.

One of the first things I go over with engaged couples is to ask them to make a commitment that they will not discuss the wedding ceremony at least three days out of seven. It is so easy to let a thirty to sixty-minute ceremony become your focus for the next nine months, but you should be preparing for life more than you should be preparing for a party.

Otherwise, here’s what you can expect: you spend your dates and downtime talking about the flowers, the venue, the guest list, the tux, the songs, the wedding party, the reception, the food, the music, and on and on. Obsessive talk creates an obsessive focus, which changes the character of your relationship to anticipation instead of relation. As the wedding day draws near, you keep saying to each other, “Can you believe it’s almost here?” and you worry about the details and talk about who can’t make it, etc.

The ceremony happens—it’s almost over before you know it—and you embark on your honeymoon. You spend two days re-living the ceremony (who was there, who wasn’t, what went right, what was funny, could you believe he said that, or that she did that?), and by about the third day of the honeymoon the ceremony is talked out.

What your relationship has been built on for months is over.

What do you talk about now?

It’s not just about conversation—it’s about adrenaline. When you invest too much in a party and the party is now past, there’s a natural letdown. You’ve invested so much in this day, looked forward to this day, set your hopes on this day, and now that it’s over, how can you not feel a little depressed?

Do you really want to feel depressed on your honeymoon?

How do you counter this?

You focus. You guard your heart so that what you’re living for is still in front of you. The most wonderful feeling in the world is to be intoxicatingly in love with your new spouse, enjoying your time together, but eager to get back to life. Then, it’s not about what’s past, but about what’s ahead.

You get to this blessed place by realizing that a marriage matters far more than a ceremony, that the wedding is just the first day of hopefully tens of thousands of days.

If you spend your engaged months seeking first God’s kingdom (looking to reach out to others, thinking about others, serving others, on his behalf) and his righteousness (growing in grace, kindness, surrender, humility) then you are spiritually preparing yourself for a spectacular marriage.

The problem with taking a vacation from Matthew 6:33—even to plan something so life-changing as a wedding ceremony—is that it sets you up to be selfish, and selfishness destroys more marriages than just about anything else. You worry about impressing people with the cake more than impressing them with God’s grace. You worry about how you’ll look in a dress or a tux more than whether your attitude reflects the kindness and patience of Christ. And if you do that for six months or nine months or a year, it turns you into the kind of person who is self-obsessed.

A self-obsessed person doesn’t do so well in marriage.

In other words, this waiting and preparation for marriage will shape you into the kind of person who excels in marriage or the kind of person who sabotages their marriage.

If you can’t focus on God’s kingdom and righteousness now; if you let a wedding ceremony become your focus, then after marriage, you’ll slip into focusing on buying and setting up your house and other such matters. It never ends. There’s always something that feels more pressing than seeking first God’s kingdom and righteousness.

It takes a certain spiritual maturity to be able to set aside something really exciting and discipline yourself to choose to focus on something eternal. But that’s the obedient life in summary. Not that the eternal isn’t exciting—it is! But our hearts tend to follow our minds. If you set your mind to always think about a ceremony, you squeeze out thinking about anything else, and thus your heart drifts from everything else.

The ceremony should serve your marriage, not sabotage it. Set aside at least three days a week where you will not discuss wedding details. Maybe you’ll lead or participate in a small group, find a creative way to serve others, just sit and listen to a grandparent, meet with another couple that’s struggling, or go out and have a very fun time together.

Learn the secret of focus, and you’ll plant the seeds for an intimate, fulfilling, and lifelong love.

Heavenly Father, help us learn to focus on your kingdom—doing your work, serving others, reaching out—and growing in righteousness over the coming months. Lead us to think more about whether we are reflecting Christ than whether we can impress others with the ceremony. Reveal to us things to do together; point out personal areas where we need to grow. Let this ceremony remind us to choose the best things first rather than blind us to your eternal truths.

 

Will you commit to not talking about the ceremony at least three days out of seven? If so, which days?
What act of service can the two of you do in the coming months, before the wedding ceremony? Is there a small group you can participate in? Is there a joint ministry you can support? Is there a grandparent who needs a weekly or monthly visit? Write out a list of service activities that you can do together.
Choose one area of righteousness where you need to grow. Maybe it’s humility—putting others first. Maybe it’s kindness—initiating good deeds to bless others. Maybe it’s patience—not being harsh with others and their weaknesses. How do you want to be spiritually stronger on your wedding day than you are today?

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Don’t Be a Peg

Frederick Buechner is a brilliant writer who can jump between fiction and nonfiction like a champion American Ninja Warrior skips over a water obstacle. In his novel Godric (a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize), Buechner brilliantly makes us feel sorry for Richard the baker, who is married to a noxious woman:

“There was Richard the baker and Peg his wife. Peg was a sparrow with a peck so sharp there was no proof against it. All was amiss, to hear her chirp, and she was ever chirping. If the sun was warm, she said it stewed her brains. If a cool breeze blew, she squawked of chilblains. The Holy Ghost himself she would have found too holy had he come and perched by her, I think, and Richard was her favorite prey. Whatever roughness of the road or turn of weather vexed her, Richard was the one she blamed…

“It’s true Richard laughed too much, but Peg had pecked and pecked till he was silly in the head. He laughed the way geese gaggle, less from mirth than brainless barnyard rote. Wedded to Peg myself, I would have wept. I think his laughter was but Richard’s way of tears.”

We’ve all seen spouses like Peg. They want people to feel sorry for them so they make sure everyone knows how awful their spouse is. What they don’t realize is that people usually recognize what’s going on. They don’t feel sorry for Peg; they feel sorry for Richard.

This isn’t a gender thing, by any means. Men can also be “Pegs.” We’ll call these men “Regs.” One wife told me that the biggest deterrent from her having enthusiastic sex with her husband was his constant criticism. In her husband’s opinion, she didn’t cook correctly; she didn’t clean correctly; she didn’t drive the right way, raise the kids with enough discernment or even chew her food in the correct manner.

Living in an avalanche of criticism, she knew she also must be (at least in her husband’s perception) missing the mark when it came to sex. While she eagerly desired fantastic sex, and even thought she had an above average sex drive for a woman, she couldn’t bear to do one more thing with a man who was constantly criticizing her. Her exhaustion with being criticized trumped her desire for great sex. Which meant her husband constantly criticized her for not wanting more frequent sex.

In my book Cherish I stress how it’s never our job to judge our spouse. Our job is to cherish our spouse and to encourage our spouse. Constant disappointment, whether it’s expressed through verbal jabs or a nonverbal rolling of the eyes, or worse, expressed contempt in front of others (“Let me tell you what I have to live with…”), rarely achieves the desired aim. Far more likely than getting people to feel sorry for you, it’s probably going to make them feel sorry for your spouse. It’s a losing strategy, but some spouses keep trying it for years.

Everyone knows a spouse’s “job description” is to honor, love, respect and cherish. It’s what we promised to do and what God calls us to do. Even more, our job as Christians is to encourage: “Encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

Learning how to be encouraging in the face of a spouse’s weakness not only inspires others, but it slowly builds up our spouse so there’s eventually less to complain about. I especially admire those spouses who find a way to honor their loved one when the flaws are so obvious to everyone around them. When a man finds a way to cherish a wife few could cherish, or a woman finds a way to cherish a husband most would call “average,” at best, I see supernatural saints at work. And usually (not always, but many times), a cherished spouse becomes a more excellent spouse. Never perfect, but better than they would have been otherwise. Cherishing each other isn’t just a promise; it’s an effective strategy based on what God did with Jerusalem (see chapter 6 of Cherish).

Don’t be a Peg or a Reg. If your spouse hears more negative criticism from you than positive encouragement, you’re at least in the ballpark of making it into Frederick Buechner’s next novel. In all of Scripture you’ll never find a single passage that suggests constant criticism is God’s preferred method for us to get others to measure up. God’s way is the encouraging way:  “Encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

The post Don’t Be a Peg appeared first on Gary Thomas.

The Danger (to our Children) of a Distant Marriage

The word “triangulation” should haunt every parent actively raising children, and it should warn all of us to not allow our marriages to grow distant during the child-rearing years (ever, really, but especially while we’re raising children).

In a harrowing but insightful chapter of Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals our Way to Healing, Seattle counselor Jay Stringer warns that “Triangulation, or emotional enmeshment, occurs when there is a breakdown in a marriage relationship and a child is brought in to fill the emotional emptiness.” Mothers can do this with sons; fathers can do this with daughters.

What essentially happens is that rather than address the emptiness of their marriage, a husband or wife will turn to a child to meet the emotional needs that should be met by a spouse. Stringer calls this “a form of emotional incest” that has “profound effects on the development of one’s individual and relational self. In marriage, our parents make vows to commit their loyalty, affection, and hearts to their spouses. Children do not make these vows. If you have been triangulated, it is likely your parents did not consider how the heartache and loneliness of their marriage would eventually affect you.”

Jay goes on to state, correctly, that children can become “idols” to their parents. This entraps a boy or a girl, who will feel guilty building their own life and eventually leaving to enjoy their own marriage. The diabolical payoff (early on) is a certain amount of “power and delight” over the other parent and children. “The cost of membership, though, is that your parent tends to determine what your life ought to look like.”

Sadly, it’s not uncommon to see a mom or a dad become “jealous” of their child when they know that child has a dearer place in their spouse’s heart than they do. Stringer’s research showed “there was an association between a father’s confiding in his daughter and the strictness or rigidity of her mother. The data seems to suggest that when a father finds more life and connection with his daughter than with his spouse, the wife will respond with anger and rigidity toward their daughter.”

Do you see how evil this is? By having an inappropriate relationship with his daughter, the father can also infect that daughter’s relationship with her mother. It may also impair her healthy sexual development and her ability to leave her family to bond with her husband. All because the dad feels distant from his wife.

This is monstrous, and Stringer lays out exactly what’s going on: “A parent who is triangulated with a child does not want independence; the parent wants the child to feed the parent’s emotional emptiness.”

This should at least give us pause about using the familiar tagline, “Daddy Daughter Dates.” I don’t believe it was ever meant to be creepy, and I’m sure our family may have used that line from time to time (it was very popular in the nineties). But it’s a phrase that dances on the line of being misunderstood, and since daughters don’t have fully developed abstract thinking, it’s best for them to know that mommy is the only person daddy ever “dates.” He spends time with his daughters. But he only “dates” his wife.

Triangulation and In-Laws

When Stringer is counseling a couple having much difficulty with the in-laws, he usually suspects triangulation. “A general rule of thumb is that if there is ongoing conflict with a mother-in-law or father-in-law, the presence of triangulation should be explored. Childhood triangulation that continues into a marriage is a form of emotional infidelity. If you are a spouse more committed to rescuing your parent, your faithfulness to your own marriage is compromised.”

We’ve all heard the “leave and cleave” line, but we need to take it more seriously. A good friend of mine did a marvelous job of pastoring when, at a wedding he was officiating, the mom said, “I don’t look at it as losing a son. I think of it as gaining a daughter.” My friend, knowing the family dynamics, said, “Oh, no. You’re losing a son. You’ve got to let him go.”

Multiple demands often means that someone is going to be disappointed. There’s only so much of you to give. Being true to your marriage vows means your spouse is a higher priority than your parents. If they try to make you feel guilty about how much they’ve given you and done for you, find a kind way to remind them that a “gift” is just that—something offered without expectation of anything in return. Now, if they were “trading”—that is, offering current services for future services—that’s something different. But call it what it is.

Another deep wound suffered by people who have endured triangulation is that even though they are finally able to break free from the triangulating parent, they may find it difficult to build intimacy with their spouse. They fear being “trapped and used” all over again and don’t want to let down their guard. So single men and women, this is something to look out for. If your potential spouse can’t leave their parents, they can’t bond with you. And if they had to force their way out of triangulation, they may be too terrified to let you get too close.

Guidelines

 What does this mean for those who are married and are actively raising kids?

Your marriage is your first priority. When you allow your relationship to drift or dwindle, you set you and your kids up for an unhealthy parenting relationship. Work on your marriage first. Parenting comes second. That actually serves the cause of parenting rather than diminishing it.

 

If your spouse isn’t fully engaged in your marriage, under no circumstances do you ask a son or daughter to become an emotional surrogate. Pour out your frustrations to a trusted friend or counselor, never to your kids.

 

Kids are to be loved and launched, not used and abused. They are not given to us to make us feel proud, important or loved. That’s using

 

Get a life. That may sound a bit harsh, but if you’re seeking first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness (Matthew 6:33), and actively working on your marriage, you won’t have room in your heart for idols, especially not one fashioned out of your children. In this case, the best “defense” is a good “offense.”

 

If you sense an unhealthy attachment with one of your kids, bring in a professional. Don’t make things worse by trying to blindly fix this with your child. Go to a competent counselor, alone, and let her or him lead the way to make amends and chart a new future. This is a serious issue. You couldn’t remove an infected appendix on your own, and you likely can’t demolish triangulation on your own, either.

NavPress sent me a complimentary copy of Jay’s book Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing, and I believe this book could be a game changer for how the church addresses what Jay calls repeated “unwanted sexual behavior.” He goes far beyond the typical “bounce your eyes and use accountability software” advice to get to the root of what’s going on in our souls.

The post The Danger (to our Children) of a Distant Marriage appeared first on Gary Thomas.

The Arduous Journey of Being Married to a Non-Believing Man

Single women, take note: every married Christian woman I’ve ever met who married a non-believing man has said, emphatically, they would tell every other woman not to do it. They wouldn’t wish away the children they’ve had, but as a general rule, I’ve yet to find a woman who thinks it’s worth the risk going in.

Catherine found that out the hard way, and spent over two decades gradually wooing and praying her husband into the kingdom. As we finish off our series focusing on the content from my book, Loving Him Well: Practical Advice on Influencing Your Husband, we’re going to explore the “takeaway” principles Catherine found helpful in being married to an unbelieving man (men, the same principles apply if you’re married to an unbelieving wife).

I hope you’ll check out the entire book, as this chapter in particular has a very touching story behind the teaching that makes it come alive even more. These lessons follow that story and include insights from John given after he was converted.

Building Bridges

Catherine often wondered how two people who shared so little in common could ever make it. Sometimes she even asked John, “Are we going to make it? We have so little in common. My faith is so important to me, but you don’t even share it!”

John would say, “Catherine, where our relationship is good, it’s very good. Let’s concentrate on that.” John wanted Catherine to concentrate on the good places in her marriage rather than become consumed by her disappointments.

Catherine honestly admits she endured a trying and difficult season that went on for decades. “Being unequally yoked is extremely lonely,” she says. “You’re guiding your children by yourself. You try to stave off resentment and build a good marriage— it’s just very, very difficult.”

Most women in such a situation will, like Catherine, find themselves tempted by self- pity. Philippians 2:14 gives some help here: “Do everything without grumbling or arguing.” The word everything includes marriage, even marriage to a nonbeliever. Resentment and bitterness will only keep us from being spiritually productive in that relationship.

Catherine realized that since she and her husband didn’t share a faith in Christ, she would have to work extra hard to find other things to share. Unfortunately, John was most excited about things in which Catherine had little or no interest— like riding bikes, for example.

“I had to make the decision,” she says. “Would I start riding bikes with him, or would I sit home by myself and let the gap between us widen?”

Catherine’s initial attempts didn’t encourage her. She says, “It was ridiculous. I was so out of shape. But you know what, a year and a half later, I loved it more than he did! We did ‘Ride the Rockies’ together— that was four hundred miles through the Rocky Mountains, a seven-day bike ride with two thousand other people. It was a blast, and we spent hundreds of hours together training for the ride.”

Catherine just kept focusing on the positive. “We didn’t have a family together at church,” she admits, “but we did have a family together on bicycles.”

Some wives might be tempted to punish their non-Christian husband by becoming even less accommodating, thinking, If you won’t share my faith, I won’t share any of your interests. But such pettiness, while understandable, does nothing except widen the gap. Catherine adamantly counsels other women married to nonbelievers, “You must find out what he loves doing and learn to do it with him.”

That’s not a bad lesson for spouses in general.

Being Realistic

Catherine warns, “Wives can be so dominated by thoughts of ‘This won’t work; we’re too different. We have different ideologies, different passions, even different ways of looking at things.’ Ultimately, we have to learn that we’ll never have some of the things we’ve yearned for, but God will give us ways to develop strengths already there—strengths we may not be recognizing. Along the way, we slowly mature and figure out that Jesus is the one we delight in. My greatest pleasure is my relationship with God.”

Catherine had to realize that God never intended John to meet all of her needs. Even if John had been a Christian for their entire marriage, some needs would still go unmet. No husband, Christian or not, is God.

How will you face disappointment with your husband? Will you allow bitterness, resentment, and anger to slowly poison your home, or will you learn to delight in what you already have? Consider this. As a Christian married to a non-Christian, you are much better off than being a non- Christian married to a Christian. You have your faith, the Holy Spirit, the hope of salvation, God’s grace, your ability to worship, and a love of Scripture to fill your soul and season your mind. Realizing how rich you are spiritually can help ease the frustration you’re enduring relationally.

Changing with John

Catherine eventually realized that, as she puts it, “this waiting period for John to become a Christian was about me too.” She wasn’t waiting just for John. “The whole process was as integral to my growth in Jesus as it was for him. God made it very clear that I was not to consider myself a spectator or a martyr or someone who was just waiting. God had lessons for me to learn too.”

Even if you’re further along than your husband, spiritually speaking, you still haven’t fully arrived. None of us have. Your own character and maturity must continue to grow. Paul told Timothy, “Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress” (1 Timothy 4:15, emphasis added). Perfection lies beyond us in this world, but every maturing believer should be showing some positive spiritual movement.

God used Catherine’s marriage to teach her how to better handle fear— in her case, the fear of a failed marriage— and how to be less controlling. As Catherine grew in these areas, God did something wonderful not only in her life but in her family as well.

When your husband isn’t a believer, one of the biggest spiritual traps you will face is being more concerned about his conversion than your maturity. Why is that a trap? Because your increasing spiritual maturity can help foster his conversion (1 Peter 3:1)! Whenever you find yourself obsessing over your husband’s spiritual state, say a prayer for him but then pivot into this: “And Lord, please show me where I need to grow to be the kind of person who makes faith attractive to her husband.”

Being Honest

Catherine found it extremely difficult to learn how to, in her words, “live two lives”: “You have two things that are passionately important to you— your relationship with God and your deep desire that your marriage be viable and strong. It’s very difficult when you can’t merge the two. You feel divided.”

Financial giving to the church presented a particularly thorny issue. Catherine wanted to give money to her church, but she didn’t work outside the home, and initially she feared what John might say. So she began saving the change from the grocery money and giving that as a contribution— something she now regrets.

“Finally, I just had to tell John how important giving was for me,” she says. “I’d tell young wives to be honest about the things that are important to you instead of hiding them.” Once Catherine explained why she wanted to give and how much it meant to her to be able to do so, he agreed that she could donate a hundred dollars a month. Catherine wishes she had been more up- front all along.

Being Patient

Some foolish women greatly wounded Catherine when they told her, “Your husband should have been saved long ago. What are you doing wrong?”

Yet when you talk to John, he keeps coming back to how much he appreciates Catherine’s patient spirit. If she had tried too hard, if she had kept pushing, she most likely would have moved John further away from the faith rather than closer to it.

Keep in mind that a cosmic spiritual battle rages inside your husband. Eternity is at stake. In the light of eternity, one or two decades aren’t all that long (even though twenty years can seem like forever). John remembers times when he saw Catherine and the kids getting ready for church and then pulling out of the driveway, and something inside of him would be saying, Go after them— but he didn’t know how. It took time. If Catherine had tried to force the issue, she would have made things worse, not better. Jesus tells us in Luke 8:15 that “by persevering [we] produce a crop.”

The Ultimate Surrender

Few things present more difficulty for a bride of Christ than being the wife of a man who is outside the faith. Catherine admits to feeling pulled hard in two directions. She loved her husband and wanted her marriage to work, but she also loved God and wanted to put him first. It hurt deeply when she couldn’t immediately bring the two together.

The reality is, no easy answers exist. I can’t give you an ironclad recipe that will guarantee your husband’s conversion— and anybody who tells you differently, frankly, is lying. But a gentle and quiet heart— mixed with a patient spirit and a growing, flourishing soul fixed on worship and emboldened by the Holy Spirit, resulting in a woman who keeps praying and who finds ways to connect with her husband— greatly increases the possibility that she will one day pray to the God of her dreams with the man of her dreams.

I can tell you this: The Bible makes it abundantly clear that God does not desire anyone to perish (2 Peter 3:9), and 1 Timothy 2:4 declares that our Savior “wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth.” When you combine the favor of God, the guidance and conviction of the Holy Spirit, and the persevering love of a believing wife, I like that man’s chances.

God bless you in this glorious task! The most important place you can ever move your husband toward is God. When you consider the eternal benefits and your husband’s spiritual health, nothing else comes close. It’s not an easy battle, nor is there a guaranteed victory— but in the end, it’s a fight worth fighting.

The post The Arduous Journey of Being Married to a Non-Believing Man appeared first on Gary Thomas.

The Magic Question: The Story of a Marriage Turnaround

This is the fifth post in an ongoing series featuring the message of Loving Him Well: Practical Advice on Influencing Your Husband. Since the book is written for wives, the excerpt will focus on wives, but it’s just as applicable for men. The chapter in the book contains much more information, but this blog post captures the essence of what one wife found to be an amazing tool to transform a marriage headed in the wrong direction.  

Although Rich and Pat have three children together, for some time they led mostly separate lives. According to Pat, “We did little together except argue about the kids.”

Rich concurs: “Home life was pretty combative.”

Pat once complainingly described Rich as an overinvolved worker during the week and an avid hunter and fisherman on the weekends. What little time remained he spent watching TV or using the computer, making him a relatively uninvolved husband and father. When Pat brought up Rich’s frequent absences on weekends, Rich would say, “Don’t worry, honey. Hunting season is almost over.” But Pat soon learned that fishing season was waiting just around the corner.

From Rich’s perspective, life seemed much easier outside the home — a view shared by many men. “I probably was overinvolved in work, and when I wasn’t working, I wanted to hunt and fish. Outside of home, there were all sorts of things to succeed at: birds to shoot or issues to solve at work. There’s great satisfaction in getting my limit of trout or ducks, or resolving issues at work. Also, these were solvable problems that I could tackle with a certain degree of success; the problems at home didn’t seem all that solvable.”

We men have a tendency to avoid battles that we know we can’t win or that make us feel incompetent. The thinking is, “If there’s no chance of winning, there’s no chance of me even competing.” Unfortunately, this means that when we start to feel like we’re in over our heads in our family life, home may become the last place we want to be—if we can’t succeed, we don’t even want to try. The sad result is that we may slowly increase our hours at work and then extend our involvement in recreational hobbies, perhaps not even realizing that we are virtually hiding from our families.

Shortly after their oldest child turned fifteen, “things began to fall apart. Our house was characterized by arguing, yelling, and business. Rich was usually gone and didn’t really want to be home — and I had given him every reason not to! I greeted him with a list when he came home, was in a chronically bad mood, and was usually either depressed or angry.”

Pat tried to talk to Rich about becoming interested in family activities, but Rich responded, “Look, I work hard, I don’t drink, I don’t gamble, and I don’t chase other women. All in all, I’d say I’m a pretty good husband.”

“He did provide well for us,” Pat admits. “In his eyes, that made him a good husband and father. He also went to lots of the kids’ games. He just couldn’t see that he was very cold and distant and that he avoided problems.”

The Magic Question

In her early forties, Pat didn’t want to spend the rest of her life with a man who always had his mind somewhere else.

“To be honest,” Pat admits, “I wanted a divorce, but I knew the only biblical grounds for one were if he died or committed adultery or left me. So I prayed that he would die or find someone else.”

Instead, Pat found someone else — the Lord, whom she credits with saving her life. Pat thought she had always been a Christian, but she visited a new church where she encountered a rich, deep, personal and authentic faith. Out of a new spiritual renewal, she began the journey of reorienting her marriage by asking Rich what she now calls the “magic question.” Asking this question went against every fiber of her being. It was actually the opposite of what she thought would best serve her marriage, but she decided to give it a try anyway.

“Rich,” she asked, “what things would you like me to do that I’m not doing?”

Rich’s answer caught Pat completely off guard. (You’ll have to read the book to hear his answer, as this post is already getting much too long.) What shocked her as much as anything was how much his suggestion also transformed her relationship with one of her daughters.

Pat’s “magic question” (“what things would you like me to do that I’m not doing?”)   can transform a marriage. It takes a lot of spiritual fortitude to put aside your own frustration and disappointment long enough to ask your husband, “What would you like me to do that I’m not doing?”

Overwhelming Benefits

Pat went through this exercise twice (being equally caught off guard by Rich’s second request) and much to her surprise, when she started focusing on helping Rich instead of fighting and resenting him, he became more involved at home. “Home became a lot more pleasant place to be, so I’m sure that had something to do with it.”

Pat decided to focus on helping Rich. She cleared her calendar, cutting out a lot of her outside activities, so that “instead of trying to find fulfillment in other things, I could focus my energies on my home and my family.” It’s a bit ironic that in her efforts to get her husband to be more involved at home, Pat began by making sure she was more involved at home—not just present, but emotionally, spiritually, and relationally engaged.

Pat doesn’t sugarcoat the difficulty of any of this. “It’s impossibly hard to put so much energy into a home and marriage when you don’t enjoy your home or family. At first, you literally feel like you’re dying. We all crave recognition, power, and honor. Sacrificing and serving seem to move you away from those desires.”

But Pat fought off the resentment. “I felt that, in one sense, what I was doing was contrary to everything I am. I felt like I was dying, but the paradox is that I am more me now than I ever was. I am kinder, gentler, and more submissive, but I am also more strong-willed and opinionated than I ever was. I used to think those were contradictions, but now I see how they work together. Although at the time, I thought I was giving things up, I can see now I was gaining. I wouldn’t go back to the way I was for anything. I have more joy, forgiveness, and grace, and more friends — a lot more friends! My family has changed dramatically.”

Pat went on. “The way I moved my husband was by changing myself. I honestly believe that when you do what your partner wants you to do, you heal yourself in the process. God gives you your spouse as the person who can fix those things in you that you really don’t want to fix.”

“You can’t do this without faith in the Lord,” Pat adds. “And though you probably will, like me, feel like you’re dying, all I can say is that it’s so worth it. I became the person I wanted to be: a more loving wife, a better friend, a better mother. And then I found that those things bring me a lot of joy. The benefits to myself  have been overwhelming.”

The Big Adventure

To wives whose husbands play darts on the weekend or who constantly haunt the golf course or who accompany their buddies to the local bar, Pat advises, “Consider how you might be driving your husband out of the house and into the basement, the golf course, or the computer.”

Think very honestly about this past week. Put yourself in your husband’s shoes. What did it feel like to be greeted by you? What kind of mood do you set in the home? Are you pleasant? Confrontational? Apathetic? Would you like to be welcomed home in the way you welcome home your husband?

Maybe you get home from work after your husband does. You can ask yourself some other questions. Do you regularly complain about your day instead of listening to him about his? Do you pour out your resentment that other women have it easier than you do? Do you make him feel as though he doesn’t measure up? Are you preoccupied with unanswered email? Are you a pleasure to be around?

Since Pat has undergone these changes, she says that “Rich now wants to come home. He wants to be with me; he wants to support me if I’m going through a bad time. When he does go away on trips, he’s careful to organize them in such a way that he can see the family as much as possible before and afterwards.”

We don’t have space in this blog post to recount all of Rich’s perspective on the dramatic change in his wife and marriage (he offers many helpful comments covered in the book), but one thing in particular that drew him back was Pat’s renewed relationship with God, which to Rich became contagious. Like Pat, Rich exchanged a “cultural Christianity” for a real faith. If you ask him why he’s more involved at home now, Rich says, “There’s no treasure in the other activities, no inheritance; it all gets burned away! I still put in a good day at work, and I still love to hunt and fish, but I realize that, from the standpoint of eternity, they’ll all pass away.”

How interesting; the man who once threw himself into work and outdoor sports because of their solvable nature and tangible rewards now recognizes that their rewards pale in comparison to God’s promised rewards in eternity.

In my view, that’s why Pat’s mission “worked.” Instead of trying to change Rich for her own sake, she drew closer to the Lord, captivated Rich with her own example, and in a godly way encouraged Rich to reevaluate his priorities according to God’s standards. Rich needed another measuring stick. Marriage, faith, and family life take more effort than work and fishing — but they offer much greater rewards.

Your first movement toward your husband should be, as it was for Pat, a movement toward God. When you give yourself first to God, you open yourself up to his correction, affirmation, and redemption.

Following that, the magic question will work well for both husbands and wives. In the face of your disappointment, be bold to ask,“What would you like me to do for you that I’m not doing?” If you heed your spouse’s words instead of taking offense, you can slowly transform your home into a more pleasant place for her or him to be — and therefore make your spouse want to come home.

 

The post The Magic Question: The Story of a Marriage Turnaround appeared first on Gary Thomas.

The Bloody Hope for Every Marriage

Some desires in marriage are never going to be fulfilled and need to be “crucified.” In fact, various studies have suggested that more than fifty percent of marital issues will never be resolved. You can fight against this all you want. You can resent it. You can say it’s not fair. But it won’t change what is. If you want your marriage to move forward, you have to live with what is.

Fortunately, life in Jesus provides a brilliant but severe remedy for living with unfulfilled desires and unmet expectations: the cross. We need to constantly remember that our lives shouldn’t be defined first and foremost by our marital happiness, but by seeking first God’s kingdom and righteousness. That pursuit will, in the end, produce happiness, but we have to keep first things first.

So here’s the spiritual trick. Transform the focus of your expectations from what you expect of your spouse to what your God expects of you. We can’t make any one person do what we think they should do (that just leads to futility and frustration), but we can surrender to what God would have us do in light of that (which leads to peace with God and divine affirmation).

Patricia Palau discovered that accepting the role of the cross in her life helps her check her own desires.

“Perhaps some things are improved by a lack of inward focus. Instead of focusing on our marriage or our desires, Luis and I have focused on the call of God on our lives. We have lived for a cause that’s bigger than both of us. And after forty years, we like each other, get along well, and have fulfilled one another as much as is possible.

“Our fulfillment is doing the will of God. Our heart prayer is, Not my will, Lord, but Yours. This focus kept me from saying ‘I deserve more help than this’ when Luis has been gone for two weeks, leaving me with four little boys. I didn’t think, I can’t believe Luis has to leave again so soon, two or three weeks after his last trip. For me, the Lord’s command to ‘take up your cross and follow Me’ has meant letting Luis go while I take care of things at home. No, it isn’t ‘fair,’ but it brings life— eternal life— to others. And I gain peace, contentment, and satisfaction.

Patricia’s attitude works just as well for wives married to construction workers as it does for wives married to famous evangelists. Patricia surrendered to God’s will, whatever it was. Raising children, supporting a husband, running a small business, staying involved in one’s church— all of these activities can constitute a call “bigger than both of us,” even if such a call will never get celebrated in a history book.

Feel free to say, “This stinks!” but then add, “And Lord, how would you like me to respond in the face of its stench?”

Regardless of your situation, the Christian life does require a cross. Your cross may look different from Patricia’s, but you will have a cross to bear. Resentment and bitterness will make each splinter of that cross feel like a sharp, ragged nail. A yielding, surrendered attitude may not make the cross soft, but it will make it sweeter, and at the end of your life, it may even seem precious.

When Patricia as a mature woman married for more than four decades testifies that she has gained “peace, contentment, and satisfaction,” she means she has found what virtually every woman wants and yet very few find. Why? Because so many women look at the cross as their enemy instead of as their truest friend.

Peace?

Contentment?

Satisfaction?

In a woman who raised four boys with an often absent husband and who endured two years of chemotherapy? How can this be? Patricia understands something the world mocks: “In the end, nothing makes us feel as good as does obedience to Him.”

If you don’t die to unrealistic expectations and if you refuse the cross, you’ll find yourself at constant war with your husband instead of at peace. You’ll feel frustrated instead of contented, and disappointed instead of satisfied. Why? We often forget that both partners in a marriage have their expectations, and sometimes these expectations conflict.

Martie found this to be true in her own marriage:

“When Joe and I became engaged, I had a set of assumptions about how our married life would be. One of those was that Joe would be home most evenings and we’d spend hours together talking, sharing activities, and dreaming together, just like we did when we were dating. But those expectations didn’t materialize. After we were married, Joe juggled school and a full-time job in addition to his commitment to me as his wife. He often came home late and I would be upset about having to spend the evening without him after working hard all day at my frustrating job. I felt Joe was breaking some unspoken promise about spending time with me. But you see, that was the problem: I never spoke with him about my expectations. In my mind he was breaking a promise, but in his mind he was simply fulfilling his responsibilities.”

Eventually, Martie talked to Joe about her desires, and the two of them worked out an arrangement to spend some evenings together. Because of his vocation, Joe is not home every night, as Martie once dreamed he’d be. But he is home more evenings than he probably envisioned as a single man. Neither received all they wanted, but both bowed to something bigger than themselves. That’s why I say that harmony, joy, and peace will never grace a home ruled by expectations instead of by the cross.

In her book It’s My Turn, Ruth Bell Graham got pretty blunt in this regard: “I pity the married couple who expect too much from one another. It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her what only Jesus Christ can be: always ready to forgive, totally understanding, unendingly patient, invariably tender and loving, unfailing in every area, anticipating every need, and making more than adequate provision. Such expectations put a man under an impossible strain.”

And men, we can do the same thing with our wives, can’t we? We take little parts of every “all-star” wife we know, then cut and paste them into some Frankenstein fantasy, and expect our wives to be all of them in one person. This wife earns more than her husband, why can’t you? That wife wants sex even more than her husband does. What’s your problem? That wife has Bible study and prayer every morning before her family wakes up. How come you’re always the last out of bed?  That wife works out six days a week. When’s the last time you’ve even broken a sweat?

The foolishness of these expectations is that they always make us feel worse about our marriage and never encourage our spouse to “improve.” We feel worse and worse, and a “picked on” spouse tends to become more and more stubborn.  That’s a losing game, far more foolish than the victory of the cross.  Marital hope is found in a glorious but bloody solution: crucifying our expectations. Sometimes, the choice comes down to this: crucify our desires or “crucify” our spouse for not meeting those desires.

If you choose the latter, ask yourself in advance how well a pilloried spouse will be able to suddenly start meeting those desires, or even want to?

If you want your marriage to survive, crucify the desire and resurrect your marriage.

This is the fourth post in an ongoing series featuring the message of Loving Him Well: Practical Advice on Influencing Your Husband.

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Give Your Spouse the Benefit of the Doubt

This is the third post in an ongoing series featuring the message of Loving Him Well: Practical Advice on Influencing Your Husband. Since the book is written for wives, the excerpt will focus on wives first, but I’m adding a new section to each book excerpt afterwards that applies the same teaching to husbands.

 

 

Some wives can literally stew in their disappointment about their husbands’ relational shortcomings:

“Why won’t he help me?”

“Why won’t he talk to me about this?”

“Why doesn’t he seem to care?”

They fail to realize that their husbands may not know what to do. Some women accuse their husbands of being uncaring or unloving when, in fact, the husbands may just be clueless. I don’t mean “clueless” in a ridiculing way; I mean it objectively. We may not have a clue what you’re asking us to do. It’s possible that we’re not trying to be stubborn, uncaring, or unfeeling; we may just honestly not know what you need or what we’re supposed to do in response to that need. And there are few things most guys hate more than not knowing what to do.

This is a key insight: it’s easier and less painful for us to ignore the problem than to admit incompetence.

One mature wife said to the younger wives in a small group for married couples, “Women often feel that if their husbands loved them, the men would know what they are thinking and what they need. This simply isn’t true. As wives, we need to learn to speak our husbands’ language; we need to be direct in our communication and tell them what we want them to do. When we want them to listen to us and not give advice, we need to tell them so. When we want their help on something, we need to ask them directly.”

My brother once frustrated his wife even while trying to please her. The kids had run out of toothpaste, so he went to the store and purchased something he thought his kids would love: Star Wars toothpaste gel. His daughters squealed with delight, but his wife hated it. “Have you ever tried to clean up that blue gunk?” she pointed out. “It sticks everywhere!” But she understood this as a case of good intentions gone bad.

Sadly, far too many wives assume the husband doesn’t care or worse, that he’s trying to make their lives more burdensome, when the reality may be that he just doesn’t have a clue. My sister- in- law could choose one of two ways to look at the toothpaste fiasco: either my brother cared enough to make the trip to buy toothpaste her daughters would delight in, or he intentionally made his wife’s life more difficult by purchasing a brand that creates a cleaning nightmare.

Another wife told me that when she and her husband first began traveling together, she would want to stop to eat but asked him indirectly, “Are you hungry yet?” He’d say no, and she’d sit and stew because obviously he didn’t care about her. When she learned to say “Hey, I’m hungry; let’s stop for lunch,” her husband was always accommodating. She eventually realized that her husband wasn’t trying to be thoughtless; he just wasn’t catching the hint. He would never intentionally want her to endure being hungry.

Her mental fight was about nothing. And it went on for years.

May I slay a very destructive myth? Perhaps you think the more your husband loves you, the better he’ll become at reading your mind. That’s a romantic but highly unrealistic and even destructive notion. It can create havoc in a marriage and hinder mature communication by keeping you from being direct, while at the same time tempting you toward resentment when your husband proves utterly incapable of telepathy.

Here’s a healthier strategy. Instead of resenting your husband’s occasional insensitivity, try to address him in a straightforward manner. Be direct instead of hoping he’ll guess what you need. His seeming reluctance to help may well result from his having no idea what you want. One wife I interviewed for this book told me that early on in her marriage, she said to her husband, “Honey, the lightbulb is out”—and her husband thought she was making an observation, while she thought she was asking him to change it.

Before you slam your husband with the serious charge of not caring or intentionally hurting you, make sure he’s not misunderstanding or misreading you. As a starting point, give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

For Husbands

I talked to a husband recently whose wife didn’t fit the stereotype that “men are microwaves and women are crockpots.” They work together and on work trips with an upcoming night at a hotel he’d start suggestive talk and touching, hoping to set the mood for a hotel romp later in the evening.

The problem is that his wife really is a microwave. She can isolate work and romance and prefers to do so. During the day as they were working, she found his advances annoying. She always knew what was coming up but didn’t want to be distracted while doing business.

Her husband thought he was being rebuffed and shut down. He didn’t want to get all “revved up” and have to deal with the frustration so he sat and stewed in disappointment. Later that evening, his wife came out of the hotel bathroom and essentially said, “Here I am!” and his response was an angry, “You’ve got to be kidding me! You’ve shut me down all day long and now I’m supposed to get revved up?”

The wife was frustrated because husbands are “supposed” to always be ready for sex, regardless of what has happened during the day. And the husband was frustrated because wives are supposed to respond to all-day “foreplay.”

This pattern went on for nearly a decade because neither spouse took the time to truly understand what each one was thinking. They made assumptions based on stereotypes. The wife wasn’t a crockpot. The husband wasn’t a “microwave.” If he felt rejected all day long, sudden opportunity wasn’t all that enticing to him.

Men, none of us marry a stereotype. We marry a real woman. Get to know her. When you’re confused about something, ask her what’s really going on before judging her or jumping to conclusions. Don’t fault her for being unique or original if she doesn’t fit the stereotype. Celebrate her one-of-a-kind nature by being curious and by giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Sometimes, refusing sex can be about power plays. Just don’t assume that that’s always happening in your marriage simply because your wife isn’t playing the “role” others have said she should play.

The post Give Your Spouse the Benefit of the Doubt appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Loving a Broken Man (or Woman)

 

This post continues an ongoing series, begun last week, featuring the message of Loving Him Well: Practical Advice on Influencing Your Husband. Since the book is written for wives, the advice will focus on wives, but for the purpose of this blog, I’m adding a new section to the book excerpt that addresses husbands.

In my boyhood days, our family had a dog that loved to chase cars. One fateful afternoon, she finally caught one and was seriously injured. My dad ran out to the road to retrieve her, and our family pet became a monster. Frenzied with fear and pain, that dog kept biting my dad as he gathered her into his arms. He had rushed to help her and bring her healing, but the pain so overwhelmed her that she could only bite the very hands trying to nurture her.

Your husband can be like that. Even if he had extraordinary parents, he most likely still brings some woundedness into your marriage. Maybe his siblings teased him. Maybe a former girlfriend broke his heart. Maybe he had a cold and calculating mother or father. The possibilities are endless, except that he comes to you as a hurting man. Maybe you even married a deeply wounded man.

Unfortunately, hurting men bite; sometimes, like our dog, they bite the very hands that try to bring healing.

As I have stated many times over in this blog and my books, I am not talking here about accepting or condoning abusive behavior or a pattern of him threatening you. This post is not meant for those who need to escape their marriages because their marriage has become unsafe; it is meant for those who want to help their wounded but safe husbands learn how to be more gentle and understanding and learn how to process their frustration, anger, and shame in more mature ways.

One of the ways to do this is to view your husband’s actions through this lens: “What if he is a deeply wounded man acting out of shame and pain?” Before a dating relationship morphs into a permanent commitment, many women see a hurting man and think, I want to help him. But something about marriage often turns that around and makes the same woman ask, Why does he have to be that way? The man’s needs once elicited feelings of nurture and compassion; now these same hurts tempt his wife toward bitterness and regret.

Can you go back to that dating mindset now that you’re married?

The time to make a character-based judgment (“Do I really want to live with this man’s wounds?”) is before you exchange vows. Once the ceremony is over, God challenges you to maintain an attitude of concern and nurture instead of one of resentment and frustration.

I realize marriage reveals more clearly a man’s heart. And men sometimes change after they get married. Having children, getting fired from a job, or losing a parent can all be triggers that release the negative, buried propensities in a man, so I am not chastising you for a choice you made in the past. But you did make a choice. In light of that choice, can you maintain a soft heart over his past hurts, patiently praying for long-term change? Or will you freeze him in his incapacities with judgment, resentment, condemnation, and criticism?

Which attitude do you honestly think is more likely to bring about healing and change?

I believe marital healing comes when one or both partners learn to maintain a nurturing attitude instead of a judgmental one. It really does help if you look at your husband’s faults through the prism of his hurt— not to excuse him, but to plot a strategy for healing and then positive change. It’s a legitimate question to question your husband over something he has done. But before you do that, reset your attitude by asking yourself, “Why do I think he might be inclined to act this way?” You’re not looking to excuse him, you’re looking to understand him. Hurt can lead us to make unwise choices and respond in unhealthy ways. Knowing that’s what we’re responding to can be part of the process to learn how to respond in better ways.

Look at it this way: How would you want your daughter- in- law to treat your wounded son? That’s likely how your husband’s heavenly Father wants you to treat his wounded son.

For Husbands:

My oldest daughter is dating a good guy, and they’ve been dating long enough for him to know some of her foibles. Ally has her mother’s forgetfulness. I couldn’t tell you how many times Lisa has lost her wedding ring, or credit cards, or wallet, or forgotten her purse. It is a miracle of God that Lisa still has a ring to wear.

On one relatively early date with her boyfriend, Ally left her purse in a restaurant. That meant her boyfriend had to drive an hour (round trip) to retrieve it.

What I wanted to tell him is that if he stays with Ally, things like this will become a normal part of his life. I look at all the positive qualities my daughter brings into a relationship and have a father’s natural “nurturing” attitude toward her weaknesses, and think the positives far outweigh any small foibles. In the moment of frustration, however, it’s more difficult for a boyfriend (or husband) to look at it that way.

Men, viewing Lisa as God’s daughter has revolutionized my marriage. She was so young when we got married (19), but nineteen years is long enough for any person to bring in plenty of family and social baggage. Rather than expecting her to “get over it” now that we’re married and begin performing with robotic like Christian perfection, I want to accept Lisa as a woman “in process.”

I’ve seen this apply when a woman comes into marriage having been sexually abused, betrayed, financially insecure, or fighting food addictions. All of these are likely to have long-term implications for your marriage. Accept the fact that you married an imperfect and wounded woman. Acceptance, love, and a nurturing attitude will bring her much further along much faster than continually reminding her of what she already knows is true: she has issues and problems and you resent her for it.

You married a wounded woman because every woman is wounded in her own way. You made a choice to accept those wounds when you accepted this woman. Rather than obsess over that choice, learn how to make the best of that choice by asking yourself, how would I want a son-in-law to treat one of my daughters who might have these same issues? That’s the same nurturing attitude you should adopt toward your wife.

The post Loving a Broken Man (or Woman) appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Relational Drift

The woman on the other line exploded Diana’s life with one question: “Did you know your husband is about to meet my daughter for a rendezvous at the next NASCAR race?”

When Ken and Diana’s daughter made some horrible decisions, Diana made their teenager her number one priority. Then the computers went down at Diana’s workplace. As the IT manager, she made getting the computer network back up her second priority. She stayed at the office late and brought work home.

Ken was barely hanging in there at priority number three.

You can understand Diana’s mindset. When your child is in crisis, it’s not easy to think about marital romance. When everyone at your workplace is begging you to fix a problem because work has all but stopped until you do, it’s hard to see keeping your marriage intimate as similarly urgent.

And, for a while, the drift didn’t seem to come with any particular consequences, or so Diana thought until that phone call shocked her back to reality. When she confronted her husband, he confessed that he and this other woman hadn’t ever actually met, but they were planning to. He said he still “cared” about Diana but didn’t “love” her anymore.

It doesn’t take a Ph.D. to predict this one: extreme pressures at work, serious problems with a child, no sex, and little communication. Of course one partner began to feel as if he were no longer in love. “If you don’t water your plants,” Diana admits in retrospect, “eventually they’re going to die; you have to nourish your relationship.”

Diana owned up to her busyness, but then called Ken back to the covenant of marriage, reminding him that, while she shouldn’t have ignored him as much as she had, the last thing their daughter needed was the additional stress of a broken home. She was willing to start moving back toward him if he would move back toward her.

Her courage, grace, and winsomeness won Ken over. But Diana knew they had to make some changes to stay together. One of the things they had allowed to go wrong was a slow drift when it came to entertainment. For years, Diana went off to watch romantic comedies, while Ken watched NASCAR races.  Ken thought the romantic comedies were too predictable; Diana never understood the excitement of watching cars drive in circles and occasionally stop for gas. Though they didn’t mind having separate hobbies, over time they began feeling lonely.  When Ken found another woman online who was as enthusiastic a NASCAR fan as he was, an emotional affair erupted.

Ken and Diana’s story typifies what happens to so many couples: they never plan to grow apart, but they stop making plans to keep growing together.  At first the drift is slow, almost imperceptible; but given enough time, the slide can become a fatal relational avalanche.

Life with Lisa

Our kids have often remarked that Lisa and I don’t seem all that “compatible.” We don’t like the same foods. We have different definitions of “vacation.” But what outweighs these differences by a ton is the fact that we are as committed as a couple can be to seeking first the kingdom of God. We share articles on various issues, pass around books, talk about sermons and podcasts.

When it comes to entertainment, we’ve settled on walks and bike riding, usually (on vacation) fit around my running. And we’ve developed over the years into finding television series we can watch together. We may watch more television individually than as a couple since Lisa doesn’t do sports and I have a definite limit about how much HGTV (approximately 30 minutes) I can consume without losing my mind, but we make sure that several nights a week we’re watching something together.

Don’t focus on where you don’t match up very well. Find areas where you can and build on those.

A Different Marriage to the Same Person

Instead of signing divorce papers, Ken and Diana took a twentieth anniversary trip to Vancouver and Victoria British Columbia to see the sights and the whales. They toured Butchart Gardens, had high tea with “the best strawberry preserves,” drove up the coast and saw the tide pools, and renewed their love.

They realized that they still loved each other; they just suffered a relationship that had been starved. They learned the secret that just because you’re dissatisfied with a disconnected marriage doesn’t mean you won’t be satisfied with a marriage to the same person when you’re in a connected marriage.

Diana, despite herself, became a NASCAR fan, with her own favorite driver. And Ken agreed to join Diana for some weekend movies, even making the popcorn. They found out that marriage is much better when you enjoy each other’s “fun.”

If you truly love and cherish your spouse, you can enjoy the pleasure they get out of something in a way that gives you pleasure. I’m not a big fan of the sand, but Lisa is so happy walking on the beach that it makes me happy to walk beside her.

Before you change your spouse, try changing your marriage. Ask yourself if your daily schedule and focus is regularly bringing the two of you together or whether you’re allowing life to pull you apart. If you can’t remember the last time you laughed together or made love together, you’re already in the midst of serious drift. Lonely people in lonely marriages make bad decisions they often wouldn’t make otherwise.

Either we make plans to grow together, or we will “accidentally” grow apart.

 

This blog post is based on Gary’s book Loving Him Well: Practical Advice on Influencing Your Husband. 

 

 

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“Rethinking Sexuality”

As most of you know, my wife Lisa had major surgery earlier this week.  I am pleased to report that she is recovering nicely!  We are so grateful for all the prayers and support from all of you.

I am sorry for the blog absence so I wanted to share the foreword I wrote for Juli Slattery’s new book, Rethinking Sexuality.

 

“One day, it dawned on me. We have been sexually discipled by the world.”

As a pastor in the nation’s fourth largest city, and as one who has worked with numerous premarital couples, I couldn’t agree more with Dr. Juli Slattery’s comments. Indeed, any honest observer must realize that there seems to be a concerted effort in most forms of entertainment and the media to promote an image and purpose of sexuality radically at odds with biblical teaching and historic Christian practice.

Juli’s awakening to this ethical challenge has become our gain as she has, in response, written a very courageous book about the need to pioneer an important new work under the bold moniker “sexual discipleship.” “Although sexuality presents an enormous challenge to Christians and to the world at large,” she writes, “it is not a problem to be solved but a territory to be reclaimed.”

You may recall that as Gentiles mixed with Jews in the first century, the early church had to decide which ethical issues were most important for Jew and Gentile alike to follow. These issues had to span cultural differences as the Gospel was created to be a worldwide influence. Accordingly, the apostles stripped ethical obligations down to only a very few commands. Here’s what they came up with: “abstain from the things polluted by idols, and from sexual immorality, and from what has been strangled, and from blood” (Acts 15:20).

About the only one of those points most relevant today is sexual immorality, and yet this is precisely the arena in which Christians seem to be more muddled, more confused, more at odds with each other and frankly, so much in the throes of disobedience. Which means “sexual discipleship” isn’t a peripheral “controversy.” It goes to the very heart and birth of our faith and beliefs. If we veer off course, sexually speaking, we will not be the unique people God has called us to be.

Dr. Juli Slattery is exactly the right person to lead the way in reclaiming this land. She seems to me uniquely gifted by God to write this book and to champion this cause. Her compassion and empathy cover each page. She is a living embodiment of the “grace and truth” principle she espouses—bold and unstinting with truth, yet quick and generous with grace and understanding.

As you’ll read in this book, Philip Yancey once said, “I know of no greater failure among Christians than in presenting a persuasive approach to sexuality.” Thank God for calling and equipping Dr. Juli Slattery to re-stake a claim so essential to who we are and to what we believe as the Christ-following people of God.

 

 

Dr. Juli Slattery is a clinical psychologist, author, speaker and the president/co-founder of Authentic Intimacy. Juli earned her college degree at Wheaton College, an MA in psychology from Biola University, an MS and a Doctorate degree in Clinical Psychology from Florida Institute of Technology.

From 2008-2012, Dr. Slattery served at Focus on the Family writing, teaching, and co-hosting the Daly Focus on the Family broadcast. In 2012, she left Focus on the Family to start Authentic Intimacy, a ministry devoted to reclaiming God’s design for intimacy. www.authenticintimacy.com

Juli is the author of ten books, the host of the weekly podcast “Java with Juli” and a member of the board of trustees for Moody Bible Institute. Juli and her husband Mike are the parents of 3 sons; they live in Akron, Ohio.

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