Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 8

Helping Wives Awaken to Intimate Pleasure

We have an all-star panel this week to discuss a crucial issue for Christian couples. How does a woman awaken to sexual fulfillment and pleasure after years of telling herself “No”? And what can a husband do to help her achieve this fulfillment? What can the wife do for herself?

We’re going to ask three experienced counselors how husbands can help awaken their wives to sexual pleasure from two angles: if the wife has waited until marriage but now feels a lingering guilt over experiencing sexual pleasure; secondly, we’ll look at the difference a biblical view of sexuality makes if someone was very active sexually before they got married, and perhaps that’s negatively impacting their sexual relationship with their spouse now.

We’re approaching this from the perspective that the Bible’s message is beautiful and clear: sexual expression is reserved for marriage. But we all haven’t followed that pattern, and even those who have recognize the challenges of turning on the on switch after years of telling ourselves to just say no.

I heard Dr. Juli Slattery do a beautiful job defending the biblical position when she added, off-handedly, that part of the challenge is that husbands aren’t ever told how to help their wives awaken sexually.

It’s not that the message of waiting until marriage to become sexually active is wrong, but it’s also true that the message of waiting needs more follow-up. That’s what’s been missing in this debate, and that’s what I think these three women can address.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a clinical psychologist, author, speaker and the president/co-founder of Authentic Intimacy. She has authored twelve books and is a host of the weekly podcast “Java with Juli.”

Debra Fileta is a faith-forward licensed professional counselor, author of 7 books, and creator of the #1 faith-based relationship advice blog True Love Dates. She also hosts the Debra Fileta Podcast and is founder of the Debra Fileta Counselors Network.

Belah Rose is author of Delight Your Husband (and a new pre-wedding workbook) and founder of the ministry Delight Your Marriage. Her ministry works with couples to help them reconnect. She also hosts the Delight Your Marriage podcast.

Each one of these women could easily carry a show on their own, so it was extremely generous of them to join together to share their wisdom about a topic that doesn’t get a lot of attention. Pour yourself a cup of tea, listen with your spouse, and clear an hour to hear a very helpful conversation. Regardless of how long you’ve been married, or what your activities were before or after marriage, you’ll find something helpful here to talk about and explore.

Watch this discussion on Substack HERE.

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Meet My Friend Morty: Defeating Sin Before Temptation Strikes

I’m so happy Focus on the Family is releasing a two-part-interview on my book Every Body Matters yesterday and today (January 9th and 10th). You can find the links HERE. (Just for the record, Every Body Matters was published in 2011, so don’t make any political assumptions about the title.)

The interview discusses the connection between body care and Christian discipleship. To celebrate the interview, we’re offering two excerpts from the book this week and next. This week’s excerpt is on the lost art of mortification. The Puritans talked about how we can fight sin before temptation hits. Since mortification is mostly a lost art, in this chapter I try to describe it in common, popular language. The paid side has my notes from John Owen’s classic work, “Of the Mortification of Sin in Believers.”

A Greater Race

“But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.”

Perhaps because of my long pursuit of running the Boston marathon, when I read of Paul’s urging Timothy to pursue something, I know what a guy is willing to go through if he wants to pursue something badly enough.

But will I ever pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, gentleness, and endurance with the same passion—or more—that I pursued Boston?

Will any of us?

Without becoming critical, think about this honestly: in your own home church, how many Christians fulfill Paul’s admonition to truly pursue holiness and Christlikeness?

How many of us who deal with a bad temper ultimately give up and then give in, saying, “That’s just the way I am”?

How many have let our bodies decline because we’ve tried before, maybe on and off for most of our lives, to choose healthier habits, but have concluded that the race can’t be won?

How many addicts have made a home in their addiction and are tired of feeling like a failure and unwilling to face another defeat—so they just stop fighting?

There are issues of disobedience in my life that stick to me like superglue. I may have victory over them for months or more, but then the right conditions come back—and wham! I think to myself, “Again? Really?”

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

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We Have a Book Title! (and old notes)

I’ve literally been searching for a title for my next book for two years. Those of you on the paid side have read chapter drafts which, with all your wonderful, insightful feedback, have gone through massive changes. My working title was The Art of Unlearning, which was difficult to let go, except for the fact that most of you agreed with my publisher that The Art of Unlearning isn’t a very compelling title. So I even offered a $500 reward for anyone who could come up with a better one, if the publisher chose it. Sorry to say, my publisher didn’t choose any of your ideas either.

But the marketing team came up with one that my agent says is a “home run.” It doesn’t strike me as a home run, but we can’t put a book out there with a blank cover (it worked for the Beatles with the White Album, but I’m definitely not the Beatles). Ultimately, my publisher settled on The Life You Were Reborn to Live: Dismantling the 12 Lives that Rob Your Intimacy with God. It’s set to be released in early October.

I just sent the final draft to Zondervan this week, so it was a bit of a stretch to think about anything else this week. But I’ve been meaning to share my notes from the Substack book club on John Owen’s book Of the Mortification of Sin in Believers (now, there’s a title!). The book “group” ended up becoming a few friends, as we learned that many Christians do think it’s a bit weird to read ancient books. But I loved the conversation and grew to deeply love the few who participated. They feel like friends to me now.

For this week’s post, I’m sharing the notes I compiled for all 14 chapters, to lead the discussion. Mortification (attacking sin prior to temptation) was seen by the Puritans as such an essential part of the Christian life but today it is virtually a lost art. You may not be inclined to read an entire book on the subject, but perhaps these notes can whet your appetite. If you do decide to read the book, I highly recommend the one edited by Kelly Kapic and Justin Taylor, published by Crossway. It’s a combo of three books, with the overall title Overcoming Sin and Temptation.

Read this blog on Substack HERE.

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Breaking Out of Your Spiritual Rut: Embracing the Diversity and Fullness of Christian Worship

I recently had the pleasure of talking with Elie Samaha on The Healthy Christian Project about Sacred Pathways. He did a marvelous job leading the discussion about the nine different pathways, how we can break out of our spiritual ruts, and the importance of cultivating a relationship with God. If your devotional times have felt boring and stricken with routine, you might get a helpful jolt here by considering new ways of connecting with God.

Listen HERE.

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God Is Good Enough for You

Two lines feed my faith: I am good enough for God (only through Christ, of course–explained in previous posts on this future book on divine affirmation) and God is good enough for me. Many Christians don’t live in the reality of how God is really and truly good enough for us. Meditating on the spiritual riches made available through Christ is an essential component of building a life of joy and worship. No matter how bad things seem to be on earth, the spiritual riches we enjoy are enormous. Every sin, every addiction, is founded in not believing God is good enough for us. We think we need something more. We don’t. He is enough.

Read this blog on Substack HERE.

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My Favorite Reads of 2024

Almost half the books on my list this year are re-reads so this list may seem dated, but these are some of the books that have continued to shape my thinking this year. I’d love to hear what you’ve read and what you’d suggest for 2025–please respond via the comments.

Read this free blog on Substack HERE.

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The Good Gifts of Christmas

Every year, I hear understandable laments about Christians over-commercializing Christmas with their gift-giving. Message received. But gift-giving starts with God and can be a wonderful element of family life that creates joy, a sense of belonging, and a sense of being known and cherished. I’m all for giving sacrificially to the poor, but are Christmas gifts the best place to cut our budget to do that? Let me know what you think.

When renting a car with my wife on an out-of-town trip, I discovered that few things make a forty-something wife happier than warm car seats on a cold winter morning. The seats made her so happy that when it came time to get a new family vehicle, seat-warmers became a non-negotiable “must-have” feature.

Of course I felt a little guilty about the added expense. There are so many needy people in the world with so many greater needs that buying a brand-new car upgraded to include seat warmers teased my evangelical guilt to the forefront. As I prayed through all this, however, I got the distinct sense that God was pleased that I earnestly desired to bring winter joy to my wife, who, of course, also happens to be his daughter (and now that we live in Colorado, I wouldn’t give it a second thought).

I traveled more weekends than not back then, and since the kids were still at home, Lisa rarely traveled with me. If our old car broke down, Lisa was on her own. That added an element of uncertainty to an already stressful life of being a part-time single parent. When I remembered Lisa is God’s daughter, and that God is really into His daughters, buying that car turned into an act of worship. I was serving God by taking care of his daughter.

This episode in my marriage came to mind as Christmas approaches and it’s becoming increasingly popular for Christians to “de-commercialize” Christmas, for some very good reasons. Crass materialism needs to be confronted, but let’s not forget that giving gifts to each other can be a way for us to become servants of the Giver of all good gifts.

Read this free blog HERE on Substack.

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How Sacrifice Sweetens a Marriage

To those who don’t know Christ, “sacrifice” might seem like an ugly word, something you’d never want to connect to marriage. But for believers whose eternal life depends on Christ’s sacrifice and who are called to make our lives a living sacrifice to God, we trust Jesus knew what he was talking about when he said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” Talking about sacrifice in abusive marriages can be dangerous and inappropriate, but for others, the notion of sacrificing to make your spouse’s dreams come true can be one of the most effective tools to make your spouse feel cherished and to make yourself feel blessed to live with such a happy, fulfilled spouse. Helping your spouse do something outside of their marriage that God has uniquely gifted and called to do can greatly benefit the marriage itself. It certainly has for Donnie and Jaclyn, and Dennis and Barbara, as you’ll read about here.

When Donnie and Jaclyn lived in Nashville, they had so little money they depended on food stamps. Jaclyn was pursuing a career in photography, which can take a long time to launch, and she started to feel guilty about not contributing more to the family budget.

One of her good friends worked as a waitress at a restaurant, and Jaclyn thought maybe she should do that as well.

When she brought up the idea to Donnie, he was forceful: “No, you’re not doing that. Keep pursuing your photography. One day, it’s going to become lucrative. I just know it.”

Donnie explains his thinking: “I grew up hearing women talk about how they gave up their dreams once they got married, and that’s not what I wanted to have happen with Jaclyn. I didn’t care what her dream was, to be honest. If she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, if she wanted to get a master’s degree, or if she wanted to pursue a career in photography, I was determined to help make it happen.”

This commitment came at great cost to Donnie. He had to work two jobs to make up for the lack of Jaclyn’s income. He did his regular job during the day, ate dinner with the family, then started his second job in the evening.

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

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Cherishing Your Wife When You Remodel Your House

A conversation with a husband led me to get him to look at remodeling his house through an entirely different lens: what would make his wife feel cherished? This post isn’t about remodeling your house as much as it’s about looking at life’s everyday chores through a different rubric: how can I make my spouse feel cherished through this? We have to address money as part of that discussion, which requires nuance, but the goal of making our spouse feel cherished should influence the most practical discussions of marriage.

A conversation I once had with a husband revealed how practical the concept of cherishing your spouse can be. “Matt” is in his forties and he and his wife are remodeling their home. Knowing Lisa and I went through something similar when we bought a house in Colorado, he asked to talk about an “issue.”

Our discussion centered around escalating costs. Lisa and I heard that whatever quote you get from the contractor, you should double it. In our case, it was actually tripled (I wish that was hyperbole, but it’s not). I don’t think we will ever do it again. But we came out of it okay, still loving and cherishing each other, even while being dutifully reminded that neither of us is particularly suited for this kind of thing.

Matt’s wife wanted to upgrade a few options beyond their initial budget. Matt thought the budget had already settled the question. I asked Matt how they were doing for their retirement “number,” suspecting they were on track, and they were. “Unless the economy completely collapses, we’re well ahead of where we’ll need to be,” he told me.

“Then I think this is easy,” I told him. “Your number one goal here should be that when the house is finished, your wife feels cherished, valued, and heard. Even if you spend another $100,000, what will that matter to you in thirty years if saving it causes your wife to feel slighted?”

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

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When Will the Pain End? Parents’ Call to Be Sorrow Bearers

This is another early excerpt from my book-in-progress, When Christian Parents Hurt. But it’s relevant for every Christian–not just parents. This chapter discusses an aspect of faith I rarely hear anyone discuss, though Dietrich Bonhoeffer addressed it in The Cost of Discipleship : The call of the Christian to be a sorrow bearer. Pain and spiritual angst are necessary parts of being a faithful believer living in a fallen world. Because of the sin around us, our hearts will break and keep breaking, but still, we are called to join in the sufferings of Christ to love and to keep on loving.

Parents often want resolution with their wayward child and their child’s full salvation in part because they want the pain they feel over their children’s spiritual state to end.

But what if it doesn’t?

What if our call as parents is to bear the sorrow we face over our children instead of eliminate it?

Jesus’ words in the Sermon on the Mount, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4), speak of a call on the people of God that Christian teachers don’t talk about very much—the call to lament and grieve over the evil in this world. Ezekiel was told, “Go throughout the city of Jerusalem and put a mark on the foreheads of those who grieve and lament over all the detestable things that are done in it” (9:4). God counted only those who mourned as faithful. Because we are called to live for truth and beauty we must, by definition, lament sin, lies, and corruption. It’s in our new spiritual nature to do so.

Here’s the thing: in this world sin, lies and corruption will continue, so the sensitive Christian life will remain a life of mourning. We will have much joy in the Lord, but we must endure much sorrow in the world.

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

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