Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 62

Singles: Mystical Leanings Often Lead to Miserable Choices

After a Sacred Search conference in which I had laid out essential character traits to look for in a future spouse, a group of six men asked a question. Five of them were convinced by what I had said; one wasn’t, and he’s the one who asked the question in the form of several statements: “I don’t think this list matters. I think God will lead me to the right woman at the right time. I don’t need to worry about this list.”

“And where does the Bible tell you that’s how you should choose a wife?” I asked.

“Isaac and Rebekah.”

I wrote a whole chapter in my book addressing Isaac and Rebekah, but let me summarize that teaching here: basic Bible interpretation teaches us that biblical narrative isn’t always universally applicable. We don’t think we should pay our taxes by fishing and looking for coins in the fish’s stomach because that’s what Jesus did with Peter. We don’t think if someone is stricken with leprosy they should go dip in the Jordan seven times. We don’t think a woman should uncover the feet of an older man while he sleeps to signify she wants to marry him just because that’s what Ruth did with Boaz.

Nor should we think that Isaac and Rebekah’s journey teaches us how to find a spouse. Besides, if you want to be true to the account of Isaac and Rebekah, your father should hire a servant who will pick out your wife for you, and you should agree to marry whomever he chooses, sight unseen.

That’s at least an honest application.

There’s far more to this argument, but you can read The Sacred Search if you want the rest. Let’s fast forward the conversation I had with these guys: “How will you know a woman is the one God chose for you, anyway?” I asked.

“God will make it known.”

“How?”

“He just will.”

Do you know how many stories of misery this faulty line of thinking has generated? People ignore biblical teaching, common sense, and obvious problems because they “feel” God has “called them” to marry a particular person and then (this is what makes me so sad) they get bitter at God for “leading” them into a miserable match.

I pray about every significant decision I make, but I also seek to apply biblical principles, and the Bible is rather clear on this one. First Corinthians 7:39 tells women, “She is free to marry anyone she wishes, only in the Lord.” You may wish God would make the choice for you, but do you also insist that God choose whether you go to the University of Texas or Texas A & M? Do you want God to choose whether you drive a Nissan or a Ford? Where is the line of where God makes the choice for you? Will He choose what night you and your future wife must have sex so that one particular baby is born according to His perfect design? Is that how He works?

God’s Word values wisdom so highly (“Make your ear attentive to wisdom” Prov. 2:2) in so many places, that wanting to replace the process of applying biblical truth in a wise manner with subjective mystical feelings is a dangerous thing to do, particularly when you’re deciding on a life-long relationship.

Of course we must make room for God to sometimes seemingly lead two people together. But trying to force this when the Bible’s teaching seems to suggest another model as the norm is flat-out dangerous.

A Bitter Tale

A man once asked to get together with me because he was bitter toward God. A decade prior, he had a good-paying and personally rewarding job, but “God asked me to quit and wait for something better,” so he did.

Something better never came along. His family has struggled financially for a decade, and what little work he could find has been even less satisfying.

“Why would God do this to us?” he asked.

“Maybe he didn’t,” I responded.

“What are you talking about?”

“Maybe you just thought God told you to quit. Why are you so certain that’s what He was saying?”

“My wife confirmed it. She felt the same thing.”

“Maybe both of you were wrong. Most people would suggest it’s unwise when you have a family to support to leave a job when you don’t have something else lined up. Yet you were driven more by mystical leanings than by wisdom.”

“God told Abraham to leave without telling him where he was going to go…”

“I’m sorry,” I continued, “But I think it’s a bit of a stretch for you to suggest that because God told Abraham to move, with all his wealth and possessions, to a land specially set aside for God to create an entirely new nation that would ultimately launch the bloodline to bring the Messiah into the world, that your direct application of that passage was to quit your job. That seems like a bit of a leap to me.”

In the midst of your pursuit of a marriage partner, God wants you to grow in character and maturity and wisdom. Part of that is learning how to make God-honoring and wise, sensible choices. I don’t know how we’ve got it into our heads that blindly following “mystical feelings” is a godlier way to live our life than studying and applying Scripture, but I’ve seen that approach result in much grief.

I believe in the work and leading of the Holy Spirit as much as anyone, and perhaps far more than most. I call upon the ministry of the Holy Spirit on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis. But the Bible doesn’t place the Holy Spirit against wisdom or direct revelation, but as a teacher who helps us apply wisdom.

How you make the choice of who you marry matters so very much. Will it be based on wisdom, or mystical leanings? Please, decide now, before you become infatuated, as it is all too easy to confuse infatuation with the Holy Spirit’s leading.

And secondly, if you go ahead and make a choice on a mystical basis and it causes you much grief, please don’t become bitter at God. Please don’t assume that God led you into a foolish choice because He just enjoys playing around with people. Accept that maybe He’s letting you face the consequences of a foolish process so you’ll learn a more appropriate way to make decisions in the future.

Revel in the freedom and embrace the excitement of God’s revealed truth that He wants you to build (co-create, if you will) a marvelous life, using His wisdom and keeping your heart open to His occasional warnings to guide you. It is a gift that we get to choose, far more than it is a burden.

Besides, what do you think would sound more romantic to a woman? “I’m asking you to marry me because God told me I had to” or “Out of all the women in the world, I’d like to spend my life with you. I choose you.”

It takes a little more work to apply wisdom, but a supremely wise marital choice pays better than Google and Microsoft salaries combined.

 

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How to Deal with Today’s Educational Dilemma

Drs. Steve and Rebecca Wilke are two dear friends who have raised two remarkable young men. Rebecca has worked on educational issues for decades and has written books for teachers. In this guest post, she talks to parents, urging those who have school children to be thoughtful about what’s happening in their community schools. Perhaps more than ever, contemporary parents need courage and awareness when it comes to our children. Though we don’t usually do a lot of parenting material on this blog, I thought this one would be helpful in light of it being “back to school” season. I hope you enjoy it.

For he issued his laws to Jacob;

    he gave his instructions to Israel.

He commanded our ancestors

    to teach them to their children,

so the next generation might know them—

    even the children not yet born—

    and they in turn will teach their own children.

So each generation should set its hope anew on God,

    not forgetting his glorious miracles

    and obeying his commands.

Psalm 78:5-7, NLT

As long-time readers know, we are big supporters of education.  In fact, education is one of the three pillars to successful parenting we discuss in Sonkist Ministries’ book, Straight Lines for Parents:  9 Strategies for Raising Exceptional Kids.  Steve and I have not only devoted our lives to people-helping, I have also spent over thirty years of my professional career in the field of education.

With that said, however, this Back-to-School season we want to address some concerns which have been voiced to us about changes taking place in the educational landscape across the United States. Let’s begin by sharing one unsettling situation a couple experienced this past school year.  Their first grader came home with a reading assignment about a little boy who looked into a mirror and struggled with the decision of whether or not he was male or female.  The startled parents went straight to school the next morning, hoping that some error had been made with this piece of curriculum. After talking to the principal, they realized this story had indeed been added to the first grade reading program—and school leaders had no intention of removing it. To add to the dilemma, these parents were scolded and told they needed to get comfortable with changes in 21st century thinking!

Needless to say, the parents were upset over the entire scenario. In their mind, this type of curriculum had no place in first grade.  They also felt disrespected and disengaged from their child’s school where changes in policy and programming used to be discussed with parents.  After much prayer, they’ve decided that they cannot let this situation continue without exhausting every effort to either remove this material from the curriculum—or at least make other parents aware of what is happening, perhaps without their knowledge, at their local schools.

Sadly, educational dilemmas are on the increase in modern society as more and more “agendas” are being crammed into an already overburdened system.  In addition to reading, writing, and arithmetic, there are activists who feel the public education system is an ideal platform to promote their preferences.  Perhaps even more disconcerting, some of these topics are far-removed from the Judeo-Christian principles which American education has been based upon in decades past.

What can you and I do in the midst of culture shifts that are creating these kinds of dilemmas in the educational landscape?  Here are a few ideas I’d like to suggest to you:

Parents are the primary educators of their children, so embrace that role fully! Even if your children are in private school, part of your calling is to educate your kids—especially when it comes to spiritual matters.  Notice the rationale for this found in Psalm 78 above:  “so each generation should set its hope anew on God.”  No matter who we are, as believers there is nothing more important than passing on God’s truths to others in our lives!
All of us—parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and citizens in general—should be praying for our public and private schools. Pray for the leaders; pray for the teachers.  Pray for other families.  Remember, “the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective” (James 5:16b, NIV).
Most public school educators are truly dedicated to doing what’s best for kids, but they are also employees of the government which legislates the policies and procedures they must follow (as a former public school teacher, I am well aware of this fact). So, when you need to address a problem, always try to do so with these thoughts in mind—as well as this great reminder given to us in Colossians 4:5-6: “Live wisely among those who are not believers, and make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone.”
Get more involved in local schools. They need you, and you also need to stay in touch with what’s going on. Here’s an insightful Barna article you may want to check out for additional thoughts on this topic: https://www.barna.org/barna-update/culture/681-public-schools-christians-are-part-of-the-solution#.V3_AZpBHaK0.
If you aren’t happy with your children’s school, look for other alternatives. For example, I have been very involved with charter schools for the past six years. More of these publicly-funded school options are opening in communities across the country, which, according the National Center for Education Statistics, are now serving the needs of more than 2.5 million U.S. students. Most of them offer smaller class sizes with specialized programs, and many are thrilled to have families involved in the educational process! For further reading, check out the National Alliance for Public Charter Schools at http://www.publiccharters.org

Yes, there are dilemmas in many parts of society today, including our educational institutions. We hope the thoughts above will give you some new ideas on how to head into this Back-to-School season so you can make a difference in the lives of children—even those “not yet born.”

Many blessings to you from everyone at Sonkist Ministries!

Thought of the Month

Little children were brought for Jesus to lay his hands on them and pray. But the disciples scolded those who brought them. “Don’t bother him,” they said.

But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and don’t prevent them. For of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.” And he put his hands on their heads and blessed them before he left.

Matthew 19:13-15

 

 

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How Porn Creates Angry Men

Plenty of research has come out about porn’s effects on men—erectile dysfunction, making your brain less attracted to your wife, distorting a man’s view of women overall, etc.  One I haven’t seen listed, though, is anger.

Men who regularly give in to porn often have a lot of anger toward their wives.

I’m not a therapist or a neuro-scientist. I’m writing from the perspective of one who does pastoral counseling. And in that context I have witnessed the effects of porn leading to anger with men and couples with whom I’ve met. Plenty of other researchers are far more qualified and perhaps more interested in writing about this, but I’ve gotten so many questions from the last blog post (where I mention porn’s connection to anger casually) that I thought I should follow up with this. I need to thank the men who have shared their struggles with me as well as those who have written in with specific insights for this particular post. I had thought of one or two reasons why porn might lead to anger, but the shared personal experiences of these men has opened my eyes to several more.

As a caveat, I am fully aware that a growing number of women use porn. I’m not mentioning women in this post because I haven’t personally worked with a single woman who has struggled with porn. I’m not sure if the neurological effect is the same, and I’m not qualified to say.

First, when a man acts with anger out of proportion to the situation at hand, it might simply be a fruit of the lack of self-control. Obedience and sin both shape us. Our choices ultimately shape our character, for good or for ill. If we demonstrate a lack of control in one area, it will manifest itself in all other areas. If we can’t control lustful desires, we won’t be able to control inappropriate expressions of anger.

Second, as one man who struggles in this area described it to me, “Porn is idolatry at its core.  False gods of every kind disappoint.” When we’re disappointed, we get angry. Healthy marital sex leaves us with such a satisfied soul—not just immediately, but in the hours and even days that follow. Porn does the opposite—it over-promises and under-delivers, and leaves a man depleted and unsatisfied and therefore angry that he’s been “cheated” (even though he’s the one doing the cheating). It’s one of the most confounding spiritual things you’ll ever see—men truly hate the thing they’ve just done, but then they keep going back and doing it.

Third, particularly among spiritually sensitive men who are trying to walk in obedience, porn leads to spiritual anguish.  God, in his kindness, isn’t likely to let a man become numb to the offense of porn unless that man makes himself callous over repeated and unrepentant use. At first, the man feels shame, guilt, remorse, and perhaps even self-loathing. That’s for a day or so. A little later, Satan comes in to make a bad situation worse, and, as the chief accuser says, “If only your wife were a little more affectionate…” “If only your wife were a little more available…” “If only your wife were a little more understanding…”

What this temptation does is give men something to blame their wives for.  Now, in this twisted version, the spiritual anguish the man feels isn’t his fault for failing, it’s the wife’s fault for setting him up to fail. When a man finds himself getting angry all out of proportion for something the wife did, it might be because he is letting off steam from the spiritual anguish of falling several days before. He hates what he has done and become, and it’s his wife’s fault. Or so he thinks.

A fourth reason is really ugly, but it’s the sad truth: your husband is angry because he has learned to enjoy porn more than real sexual intimacy, and when you’re around, he can’t indulge. He has to hide from you, which makes him resent your very presence. This is the true assault on marriage: you become an impediment to his sexual satisfaction, not an expression of it. You’re “standing in the way” and that makes him angry.

A fifth reason porn causes anger is because of jealousy, but perhaps not like you think. Most women loathe the notion of their husband being physically attracted to the women in these videos, but I don’t think it’s primarily about physical attraction. Wives, let me assure you, porn has little to do with your appearance or value. I recently finished the autobiography of a famous 70s-era singer. On one occasion, he was regularly cheating on his wife while on tour with a steady girlfriend. His wife was a former model, and his girlfriend was a current model. Then he met an actress. While his wife was at home, he left his mistress in the hotel suite, saying he had a business meeting, and proceeded to cheat on his mistress with the actress. He managed to cheat on two women at once!

At one season in his life, he admitted that his driver would drop off one young woman at the airport, drive to another terminal, and pick up a new one to bring home. These were all stunningly beautiful women (according to popular stereotype).

That’s why I tell wives this behavior isn’t about you. It was never about you. This is behavior that even the most glamorous of women couldn’t affect. When your husband is addicted to the “new,” which is what porn does to his brain (research the “Coolidge effect”) no woman in the world can be beautiful enough to keep a man faithful because once she’s familiar, she’s no longer so alluring.

I hate even typing these words, because it represents a direct assault on God’s design for marriage—cherishing and being enthralled with one woman for life. And that’s the problem with the anger that comes from jealousy. The best kind of sex in marriage is when a husband is cherishing his wife and the wife is cherishing her husband. Sex affirms each other’s beauty, worth and desirability. Neurologically, the more you have sex with each other, the more you desire each other and the less attractive other women become. This is basic brain chemistry.

The jealousy that comes from watching porn reverses this. I think men get jealous that another woman is pleasing another man—the voyeur is getting sexually excited, but he’s not the one being touched or pleasured. He’s watching another man be pleasured so he has to take care of himself. How can that not make a man a little angry? It’s like he’s being teased.

And here’s the thing: while anger can fuel lust, it empties love. The same thing that might create sexual excitement in the face of lust can make sexual performance wilt in a situation when you are called to cherish. I can’t cherish a woman I’m angry at, can I? So the continued use of porn will change what I value in sex, turning me away from cherishing and making porn seem “necessary” to get sexually excited, even if I have a willing wife, because I have to engender lust in order to sexually perform. So even when you do have sex with your wife, it’s a different kind of sex, an inferior kind, sometimes even a destructive kind. It may even seem like sex is something you’re doing to your wife rather than experiencing with your wife.

This explains why porn can temporarily seem to revive a man’s sexual interest before it eventually depletes it. It’s two entirely different kinds of sexual interest, though. And the negative kind is one that will destroy future sexual fulfillment in marriage.

So, wives, why are your porn-using husbands angry?

 

They are angry because they are suffering the consequences of a lack of self-control.

 

They are angry because they are being disappointed by a false idol.

 

They are angry because of the spiritual anguish they feel fighting it, and they’ve found a way to blame you for the struggle.

 

They are angry because your very presence inhibits acting out their preferred sexual desires.

 

They are angry because another woman is teasing them and they’re taking it out on you. Since you’re a woman, you’re guilty by association.

 

I have zero desire to become a “specialist” on this; it’s taken enough out of me just to write this post, so let me point you to Dr. Harry Schaumburg’s ministry (www.stonegateresources.org), or the well-known ministries of Covenant Eyes or XXX Church for remedial care. These ministries have far better understanding and resources to help deal with this on a more comprehensive level. I’m just adding the spiritual effects to the negative impact of porn—as if we needed any more warnings than we’re already getting.

A Quick Word to the Wives

Before I end an already long blog post, please let me say something to the wives: speaking as a pastor, most thoughtful men I know who struggle with this hate doing it and they hate themselves for giving in. I grieve for these men. Many have been targeted from an early age and lacked the spiritual sophistication to fight it when they were first confronted with it. By the time they realized what was going on, they had developed minds that will be vulnerable for perhaps the rest of their lives. If you use this post against them rather than trying to understand them, it won’t be helpful. I do believe that the habitual, frequent use of porn that obliterates sexual intimacy in marriage can be considered an affair. A man has essentially replaced his wife and is denying her the fulfillment of being sexually desired, celebrated, and fulfilled. If that’s not an affair, I don’t know what is.

But I also know some very earnest and I would say even godly men who fight this with all their might and still occasionally struggle. The brain just won’t let it go. The last thing I want this post to do is make their struggle even worse and increase their shame.

I fully understand that it’s much, much easier for me to be objective as a pastor, as I’m not the one being deprived or hurt, so I also understand if you think I’m letting your man off the hook. I just hope you’ll use this post for understanding, not to attack. Men already know a lot of reasons not to give in, and yet many still do.

Finally—angry husbands existed long before the Internet. While porn can certainly increase a man’s anger, there are many other reasons some men are angry and other issues that need to be addressed. Chip Ingram’s book Overcoming the Emotions that Destroy is a helpful primer for couples working through anger.

A Quick Word to the Husbands

 If you’re struggling with this, yet another post with five additional reasons to avoid porn won’t help you on its own. But perhaps this can give you another reason to keep fighting, and to stay faithful in recovery, however imperfect that recovery might be.

It is so much better to cherish your wife than to be angry with her. A marriage in which you cherish your wife is one of the highest pleasures in life. The very highest pleasure is to have our satisfaction fulfilled by our relationship with God—to daily receive his grace, acceptance, affirmation, and love. I am a firm believer that the best defense is a good offense. If you are addicted, though, offense alone won’t be enough—you’ve got to rebuild the defense. Grow deep in your understanding of grace. Spend the time you used to spend indulging in fantasy and use it to build or rebuild a creative, intimate life with your wife. Pursue your God and your wife. Fight for the good life of joy and intimacy and truth.

If you do that, you will never be on your own. Even if your wife doesn’t understand, your God does. And if you need a little spiritual shot in the arm, just listen to this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=722zPX1npcA

Finally, if you’re curious to understand why I’m talking so much about building a cherishing heart in marriage, you can pre-order the new book now by clicking on the cover.

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Convicted by a Cross Dresser

Jason (not his real name) is one of the over fifty-percent of men who struggle mightily with pornography. It was causing him to miss out on life and regularly be angry with his wife (an often-ignored “secret” is that porn is cultivating an entire generation of angry husbands). One time, after an hours-long binge in San Diego, he walked outside to a stunningly beautiful vista and heard God gently tell him, “This is the beauty you are missing when you spend your time inside like that.”

Jason has a poet’s heart, and God had found a way to show him the beauty, truth, and life that he was missing out on by pursuing an artificial intimacy based on a lie. The porn use began affecting his marriage to such a degree that he finally confessed it to a marriage counselor, who suggested Jason join an SLAA group (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous).

It was terrifying for Jason to cross the threshold of that meeting for the first time, but when he saw other men struggling like him, he said he finally felt like he had found a “home.” He started collecting the chips and finding some victory, until one day he had a really bad fall.

When it was his time to share his fall with the group, Jason broke down weeping in front of everyone. He couldn’t believe it. He had tried so hard. He had truly enjoyed walking in victory. And now he was overwhelmed by yet another failure, the feelings of hopelessness strangling him spiritually. He had thought the new venture into SLAA would “cure” him, but the results were in. He had messed up. Again.

Still weeping, Jason looked up and saw Leon the cross-dresser. Leon was crying, too. Leon knew what shame felt like. Leon knew how devastating it felt to try to control urges you are convinced aren’t healthy, only to fall again.

The tears of the cross-dresser (whose name spelled backward, Jason notes, is “Noel”) ministered Christ’s spirit to Jason.

Jesus hurt with him.

I want to be like that struggling cross-dresser, in this sense: I want to cry with others in their moments of devastation and defeat. I want to feel their pain instead of letting them feel my judgment.

Dozens (if not hundreds) of conversations like the one I had with Jason have convinced me that porn is a burden contemporary men (and an increasing number of women) must bear. If porn was fulfilling, men and women wouldn’t hate giving in so much. The marital effects (anger toward your wife, erectile dysfunction, lying, isolation, shame) bring far more misery than the lost hours bring lasting pleasure. It’s an assault on who we are and who we want to be. And so, Christ suffers with us.

I don’t expect wives to not take its use personally, and I’m not asking them to. Yes, it’s unfaithfulness. Yes, it hurts you as much as or maybe more than anyone. Yes, I believe its unrepentant use, over time, can constitute an affair. No, you shouldn’t accept it. Ever.

But I want to be the kind of spouse who will cry if my wife must suffer the shame of her fallenness rather than add to that shame.

I read the story of a newly married woman who had a food addiction and some past sexual abuse that made sexual intimacy difficult and complicated. Early on in her marriage, the panic began to rise when her husband was making advances so she paused and said, “Let me go to the bathroom first.”

But she didn’t go to the bathroom.

She went to the kitchen.

She opened up the refrigerator and started stuffing herself. If it was edible, she put it in her mouth. When she had some cold noodles from Chinese take-out hanging between her lips, she heard something behind her and turned.

It was her new husband.

Shame.

Mortification.

Guilt.

She wanted to disappear. But her husband walked over to the counter, opened up a drawer, pulled out a fork, and said, “Hey, you don’t have to do this by yourself anymore. We’re married now.”

I want to be that kind of husband.

I’m not saying women should ever agree to watch porn with their husbands. Of course not. Or that they should cooperate with cross-dressing. Marriage is about progressive healing, not about walking further into darkness and dysfunction.

But I want to be the kind of spouse who cries first and with his wife, and only then starts to talk about taking a new path.

While the Reformed (Calvinist) branch of the church emphasizes God’s wrath against our sins (for good, biblical reasons), the Eastern Orthodox Church is known for emphasizing Christ the Victor, the one who came to save us from our sins, viewing us as victims of sin as much as perpetrators of it. And there are plenty of Bible verses supporting this view. It doesn’t need to be either/or. The biblical case, as it so often is, is both/and.

So, to be a both/and spouse, we want to see our spouses in the light of their being victims of sin and thus hurt when they are assaulted by the burden of its temptations and are facing the devastation of its false promises.

We are all so beaten up, aren’t we? Some people were so abused as children that addictions seem all but inevitable. Others don’t have a real excuse but chose their own ways of coping with stress, inadequacy, loneliness, and shame. And then they found that the way out was much more difficult than the way in.

Marriage can be so healing, and parenting can be so transformational, when we look at our spouse and our kids and cry with them in their fallenness before we talk to them about any “solution.”

In other words (and I can’t believe I’m writing this), I prayed this morning that I could be just a little bit more like Leon the cross-dresser.

I want to cry when loved-ones hurt.

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