Chris Illuminati's Blog, page 26

Look At This Tiny Piece Of Food And Tell Me Why I’m Freaking Out Over It

This final morsel of a peanut butter and jelly almost started a war between myself and The Kid. He’s a bantam weight minus thirty pounds. The kid lives on cheeseburgers, PB&J and the cries of his little sister and it’s a chore every night to get him to ingest anything off his plate. So he’s […]

How Many Cups Of Coffee Do You Average A Day?

Third #coffee of the morning. Up since 4am. Not by choice. How many cups do you average per day? Do you buy or brew your own? Got a favorite? A photo posted by Message with a Bottle (@messagewithabottle) on Aug 3, 2015 at 5:43am PDT Posted this on IG but wanted to bring it over […]

Baby Laughing In Tree Haunts Family Until Ohhh That Explains It

There’s a dead animal in the overgrown bushes on the side of my house. I don’t know what, or how, but fuck if I’m doing a deep dive into those scrubs. I’m not sure who to call though — a landscaper or animal control. There isn’t a guy who does both? Can I call for […]

How To Turn Your Kid’s Room Into A Mission Control Center

My parents never let me do shit to my room. I had these hand-drawn (not by anyone I knew) and framed New York Giants photos hung around my room that would have been perfect for the home office of a 50-year-old accountant named Stu. Not too cool for a kid. One day I decided to […]

Dad Shoots Down Drone ‘Spying’ On Teen Daughter Laying Out In Bikini

This guy is a modern day Ron Swanson. Wait. Ron Swanson is modern day. This dad is a modern day “guy who doesn’t take shit” and a new idol of mine.

This Guy’s Marriage Might Have Been Saved By Judy Blume

We’ve all accidentally thrown away a spouse’s cherished belonging. A lucky shirts or a favorite drinking glass from college. One time, I accidentally got rid of my second born in a yard sale. The Permanent Roommate was livid and made me chase the buyers down and get for my daughter back. I had to buy her back for […]

Little Kid Loves Local Commercial So Much, His Mom Threw Him A ‘Personal Injury Lawyer’ Party

To celebrate her son’s first birthday, L’erin Dobra threw her son Grayson a Mickey Mouse party. For Grayson’s second birthday party, mom chose a different theme.

Crossfit Dad Is Going To Hurt Himself And Possibly People Around Him

This Crossfit dad is going to hurt himself and his family when they see this video and die of embarrassment.

Orangutan Kisses Pregnant Woman’s Belly At Zoo Because Orangutan Are Pushy Like That

Pregnant mom Maisie Knigh got a weird surprise at the Colchester Zoo in Essex, England.… More Orangutan Kisses Pregnant Woman’s Belly At Zoo Because Orangutan Are Pushy Like That

It’s An All Day High. ALL DAY.