Chris Illuminati's Blog, page 35
December 29, 2014
19 People Share The Creepiest Things They Saw As A Kid While Over A Friend’s House
“As a 12 year old, my 12 year old friend showered daily with his mom and dad.” “Pour the unfinished drinks–milks, juices, sodas–back into the containers after the meal.” “I noticed that all of the rooms in this kids house could only be locked from the outside of the room. I thought that only existed […]
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December 28, 2014
Dad Turns Kid’s Funny Comments Into Even Funnier Drawings
The kid says something funny and you laugh and tell a couple people and they laugh but it’s not as funny because they “weren’t there” and you laugh about it for a couple days and then you forget all about it and a month later you’re like “what was that funny thing the kid said” […]
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December 27, 2014
Want to see all the notes? Check out the photo gallery.
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Want to see all the notes? Check out the photo gallery.
The post appeared first on Message With a Bottle.
Little Girl Gives Hilariously Filthy Answer When Asked If She Loves Her Mom
This girl has a bright future as the host of comedy roasts. You know when people say “she gets that from her father”? Well I’m pretty sure she really get this trait from her father. He probably owns a hundred videos where he says the same thing to mommy. OTHER AWESOME STUFF FROM AROUND THE […]
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November 18, 2014
Telling Time
November 2, 2014
After Giving 100 Logical Reasons As To Why We’re Not Getting A Dog, She Tried Reason 101
October 4, 2014
August 10, 2014
Every time. Every. Time.
May 30, 2012
Gene Pool
Swimming poolsare just a series of numbered walls that mock your physical inadequacies every few feet.
You might not be tall enough to stand here.
You’re certainly not tall enough to stand here.
You’re going to swim to here, try to touch bottom, freak when you can’t and frantically kick yourself back to the safety. We’re all going to watch and laugh.
5 Feet — it gives me at least five inches of comfortable space between the water and the top of my head. Another inch, maybe, if I stand on my toes. It’s the only instance where standing on toes is acceptable because no one really notices. A man certainly can’t stand on his toes in a crowded bar.
“I saw you from across the room and had to come over and buy you a drink.”
“Are you standing on your toes?”
“Well, your shoes are very high and it has put me at quite a disadvantage. Do you wear those things to wash bird shit off the top of skyscrapers?”
The world would be a different, and sad, place if every few feet a painted number, word or picture reminded people of their life failures. Every few feet a reminder that you aren’t very tall, you didn’t finish college and you can’t get sexually aroused unless you’re watching HSN.
The entire world would sink, literally, into a deep depression — all except for the Sherman Williams people. They’d make a killing off all the painting going on.
If you found this humorous, you’ll probably like this.
May 28, 2012
Old Friends
It’s uncomfortable running into people from college, especially the ones you can only remember by their nicknames. It’s also hard to remember if the nickname was derogatory or complimentary. It might not even be a nickname they were aware of.
“Hey Sugar Nips! How the hell are you?”
Sugar Nips was a name only a few of us knew about, but I didn’t remember this until all expression of the happiness of seeing an old friend washed off his face.
Now comes the decision to either pretend it never happened and make small talk or address the 300-pound gorilla in the room. So I explained the best I could remember.
“Oh, that was a nickname this girl I was friends with gave you because you hooked up once and she said you had nipples as big and white as a powdered donut. So she and her friends called you Sugar Nips. That probably makes this whole interaction even more uncomfortable.”
After a moment of silence, Sugar Nips just walked away. It was probably the most uncomfortable moment in my life. I hope I never run into that guy again.
Actually, I do, because I think he married another girl I was friends with, and I’ve been wondering how the Dong Hunter was doing.
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