Chris Illuminati's Blog, page 36

I Still Feel Like Crap

People saying “this will make you feel better” right after I’ve told them some awful situation that I’ve been dealing with never, EVER makes me feel better. It doesn’t matter if I’m complaining about a head cold or explaining how I lost a limb in a bocce game gone bad; whatever the person says never makes me feel any different about my situation. Saying “this will make you feel better” is also proof that people HAVE to top each other in everything — even tragedy. We’re such a competitive society. It’s really sick.

It would be kind of sadistic to take pleasure in the fact that another human suffered a worse event in life. As if them suffering at the same time is somehow going to lift my spirits. “You had the flu? Well, this will make you feel better. My penis fell off. Last night. In the shower. One swipe with a loofah and PLOP, right down and into the drain.”

Jesus. Here I am complaining about the flu and this poor bastard has no penis. Still, I don’t feel better. In fact, I feel worse, because now I know it’s 100% possible to wash my dick off. Now I’m stressing over that information and hoping I’ve really only got the flu and not the start of the ‘penis falling off’ pandemic.

“Wait, the first symptom was a scratchy throat? I think my penis is gonna fall off!”

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