R.B. Holbrook's Blog, page 5
September 26, 2014
Sleepy Synopsis
Computer: “And in summary the main character… RB? Randy? Are you sleeping? ALERT! ALERT!!”
RB: “Huh! What?”
Randy: “No, mommy, I don’t want to go to school.”
RB: “Um…Randy, I think we’re busted. Wipe the drool from your chin.”
Computer: “I am disappointed. I constructed this ten page synopsis for your query letter, the least you could do is pay attention.”
Randy: “TEN PAGES! No wonder I went to sleep! That’s longer than the book!”
Computer: “Error: That is incorrect. The book exceeds two hundred pages.”
RB: “I believe what Randy’s trying to say is that the synopsis for a query letter should be shorter not like yours — RIDICULOUSLY too long.”
Randy: “And boring. Use RB’s writing style, otherwise it just sounds like a computer wrote it.”
Computer: “You are trying to insult me aren’t you?”
Randy: “Yep! Is it working?”
RB: “I’ll just write the synopsis. Computer, research more agents interested in young adult fantasy. Randy-“
Randy: “Can I go poke at Demon’s wounds?”
RB: “By all means.”
Randy: “YAY!!!”
RbH
Tagged: Angel vs. Demon, book synopsis, literay agents, query letter, R B Holbrook, writing
September 25, 2014
Hook, Line, and Stinker
Randy: “Lollipops and cotton candy rock!!! Woohoo!! Yay!”
RB and Computer: “………….”
Randy: “Well? What do you think? Awesome right?”
RB: “That is the hook you wrote to put in my query letters?”
Randy: “Great isn’t it?!?”
Computer: “Warning: That hook is terrible, Randy.”
Randy: “What’s wrong with it?”
RB: “First of all, it has nothing to do with my book: Lollipops and cotton candy rock?! Are you high?”
Randy: “I think’s it’s perfect! The hook is supposed to grab the reader’s attention, right?”
Computer: “Affirmative: But-“
Randy: “And it’s supposed to be short and sweet, right?”
RB: “True, but-“
Randy: “Does it not jump out at you?!”
RB: “In all the wrong ways. It screams, IDIOT. I am trying to get my book recognized and published, not laughed at and thrown in the trash.”
Randy: *pout* “…it doesn’t scream idiot…”
Computer: “Correction: It screams inexperienced, childish, and unprofessional.”
Randy: “I like idiot better.”
RbH
Tagged: Angel vs. Demon, cotton candy, hook, literary agents, lollipops, query letter, R B Holbrook, writing
September 24, 2014
Restraining Rejection Letter
Randy: “I GOT HIM!”
Demon: “Get off me you son of a bitch!”
Randy: “I even hog tied the bastard with Angel’s special rope.”
RB: “Good.” RB walks into the room and shuts the door. “Hello, Demon.”
Demon: “Uh…RB! It’s so nice to see you. Long time-“
Randy: “Cut the bullshit!” Randy smacks Demon.
Demon: “I will so kill-“
RB: “Silence.” She drops a stack of paper on the floor in front of his face. “Do you know what that is Demon?”
Demon: “Um, paper?”
RB: “Yes. Paper with every query letter you sent out that included death threats. Now,” She drops another stack of paper. “Do you know what that it?”
Demon: “More paper?”
RB: “Aren’t you cute… Yes, paper that the police brought by my house. THEY SERVED ME WITH RESTRAINING ORDERS!”
Demon: “Wow! That’s some rejection letter. That’s gotta suck. Why would you send death threats to-“
RB: “I didn’t you evil sick twisted creature. You did, and don’t even try to lie about it. Angel got you confession.”
Demon: “Snitch.”
Angel: “I heard that.”
Demon: “So?”
RB: “So, I’m exacting Divine Punishment.”
Demon: “….no.”
RB: “Yes. Angel, he’s all yours.”
Demon: “NO!”
RB: “Yes, yes, and yes.”
Randy: “Oooo, can I watch?”
Angel uncorks a vile of holy water and pours it on a long narrow glowing blade.
Randy: “Whoa…maybe not.”
RB
Tagged: Angel vs. Demon, divine punishment, literary agents, R B Holbrook, rejection letter, restraining order, writing
September 23, 2014
The Extreme Response
RB: “Where is that Demon bastard?!?”
Randy: “Yes, let’s hang him!”
Angel: “He’s gone. Please calm down, RB. You should never act out of anger. Nothing good comes out of it.”
Randy: “Yes, RB, Angel’s right.”
RB: “One less demon in the world sounds good to me. It should be good for everyone.”
Randy: “Yes, true! Let’s hang him.”
Angel: “RB, let’s talk this over. I know you are displeased with Demon, but remember, he is…well…a demon. You know what he’s like.”
Randy: “Angel has a point. He is evil.”
RB: “He sent death threats to some agents and now I have the police at my door questioning me! ARE YOU FREAKIN’ DEFENDING THAT ASSHOLE?!”
Randy: “ARE YOU?!”
Angel: “No.”
Randy: “Angel would never-“
RB: “THEN WHERE THE HELL IS HE!?”
Randy: “Yeah, where?!”
Angel: “I’ll go calm down the police and explain everything. I will smooth this over and send apologies to the agents. Meanwhile, you stay here and read over the remaining query letters with Randy to make sure there is no more tampering before we send them out.”
Randy: “Yes, Angel. Okay, RB, so-” Smack! “Ow! What was that for?”
RB: “For being a wishy-washy. Now let’s get to work, and holler the first instance you see that Demon. I’ll have his sulfuric blood if it’s the last thing I do.”
RB
Tagged: Angel vs. Demon, literary agents, police, query letter, R B Holbrook, rejection letter, writing
September 22, 2014
Follow The Rules, Or Else!
Angel: “Demon, I am not adding that!”
Demon: “I’m telling you death threats works, dammit!”
Angel: “You can’t do that. That’s criminal, and plus, you have to go by what the agent asks for.”
Demon: “So boring. Whatever. Just stick in a bio and-“
Angel: “A biography? Are you even trying to help RB get an agent?”
Demon: “But the last agent wanted a bio.”
Angel: “That was the last agent. This agent is different.”
Demon: “An agent’s an agent. It shouldn’t matter what we send.”
Angel: “With that mentality, RB will never get accepted. You have to respect each agent’s individual preference. If an agent doesn’t accept fiction, we cannot send them RB’s query letter. If an agent says they only want a query letter, we have to only send a query letter. If an agent wants the query, plus the first chapter-“
Demon: “Shit, I get it, I get it!”
Angel: “Good, otherwise, RB will only get rejection.”
Demon: “…really…”
Angel: “Demon…what…?
Demon: “I might have sent out some…threats.”
Angel: “Oh, no…no… Threats, Demon? Are you trying to get RB arrested?”
Demon: “Technically, they were more promises than threats. I mean I can back up every claim-“
Angel: “Are you crazy? RB is going to-“
RB: “DEMON!!!! YOU SON OF A-“
Randy: “Somebody’s going to die! Somebody’s going to die!”
Demon: “Oh hell. Gotta go!”
RbH
Tagged: Angel vs. Demon, death threats, literary agents, query letter, R B Holbrook, rejection, writing
August 22, 2014
The Opinion That Doesn’t Count
Angel: “Computer, why haven’t you given RB any feedback about her books?”
Demon: “Because Computer sucks.”
Computer: “Incorrect: I helped RB write her manuscript directly so that would prove to be a conflict of interest.”
Demon: “I always knew your opinion means shit.”
Computer: “Error: Opinion does not mean shit. Correction: Opinion is defined as-“
Demon: “You know what I mean.”
Computer: “You statement is vague. Clarify: Am I supposed to define ‘I’, ‘opinion’, or ‘shit’?”
Demon: “How about you just kiss my ass?”
Computer: “Error: I do not have flesh to form lips in order to desecrate my person kissing your posterior.”
Angel giggles.
Demon: “Don’t laugh at that!”
RbH
Tagged: Angel vs. Demon, conflict of interest, creative writing, manuscript, opinion, R B Holbrook
August 21, 2014
Define Awesomeness
Randy: “Rb?”
RB: “Yes, Randy.”
Randy: “How come you haven’t asked me what I think of the books?”
RB: “…um…well… I was getting to you.”
Demon: “Liar.”
RB: “Takes one to know one.”
Angel: “RB, you are better than that.”
RB: “Fine. So Randy, tell me your thoughts.”
Randy: “The first book is absolute awesomeness!”
Computer: “And that is why RB rarely asks your opinion. You have unbridled biased. You think everything RB does is awesomeness.”
Randy: “Because RB is awesomeness!!”
RB: “Ahhh, my very own cheerleader. Love it!”
Demon: “The idiot clearly knows nothing about awesomeness.”
Randy: “I do too!”
Demon: “Do not.”
Randy: “Awesomeness is not you. Awesomenss is RB.”
Demon: “Whoa! No the hell you didn’t say I wasn’t awesome. I AM THE SHIT!”
Angel: “Oh, so that’s what stinks.”
RB: “Ha!”
RbH
Tagged: Angel vs. Demon, awesomeness, fiction, manuscript, R B Holbrook, writing
August 13, 2014
Antagonist Analysis
RB: “Demon, you’ve looked over my manuscripts and met my antagonists. What are your thoughts?”
Demon: “Antagonist… just say villain. I like it better.”
RB: “Not all antagonists are bad.”
Demon: “What the hell ever. Your minor villains are badass. They get my thumbs up. But your main villain ain’t worth shit.”
RB: “Explain.”
Demon: “You’ve given him little personality. And hardly any presence. I barely know his motives. Hell, I like the minor villains because you know their purpose: serve the master and achieve their goals by any means necessary. I mean everything you hear about the main villain is mostly word of mouth.”
RB: “That shrouds him in mystery.”
Demon: “Shit, I want to see him bloody up some good guys. Let him unleash hell on the masses. He needs to bring the pain dammit!! If you’re going to destroy him in the end, he need to rock the damn house before he goes.”
RB: “….”
Demon: “What?”
RB: “Too much.”
Demon: “Never.”
RB: “So I should make him another minion instead of the mastermind?”
Demon: “Hell, are you listening? I think he’d be more menacing if he had less minions and did the dirty work himself. I mean, think about one of your favorite movies, the Usual Suspects. Why did you like the main villain so much?”
RB: “Because he was unexpected, involved himself personally in the plot from A to Z, and was freakin’ diabolical awesomeness!!”
Demon: “Exactly. And what about Joker. One of your favorite super villains.”
RB: “Totally different type of antagonist. You can’t compare Jokers brilliant insanity to this character who believes his intentions are pure.”
Demon: “Why the hell can’t I? They both have radical beliefs…a twisted mentality. Bring it out of your main character. Feed it until its fat with malicious goo. Make me love him for his wickedness.”
RB: “…I think I can do that. Thank you.”
Demon: “Shit, don’t thank me. DO IT!!“
RBH
Tagged: Angel vs. Demon, antagonist, character development, R B Holbrook, villain, writing
August 12, 2014
Protagonist Prospectus
RB: “Angel, have you finished reading the manuscript?”
Angel: “Yes.”
RB: “Ok, I need your input.”
Angel: “Oh, great! How can I help?”
Demon: “What the hell…? WHAT ABOUT ME?“
RB: “You can’t help me right now, Demon.”
Demon: “Yes, the hell I can.”
RB: “We’ll fight later. Angel, tell me about my protagonists. I need to know if I should change anything?”
Demon: “Yuck, are we actually talking about the heroes?”
Angel: “Who is we? RB asked me.”
Demon: “Ha! You rhymed!”
RB: “Ignore him, Angel. Tell me what you think?”
Angel: “Your protagonists’ back story is clear. You have steady development. You evoke emotion and the need to cheer for him. You also make him stand out with a distinct personality. As long as you keep these qualities through all books, you will do well.”
Demon: “In other words, he’s boring. The good guys always are.”
RB: “Thank you, Angel. Demon-“
Demon: “Yes, yes, I know. Kiss your ass. Well news flash: I pucker for no one.”
RBH
Tagged: Angel vs. Demon, character development, manuscript, protagonist, R B Holbrook
July 18, 2014
Respite Not Allowed
Demon: “WHAT THE HELL? WHY IS THE MUSIC SO LOUD?”
Angel: “RB AND RANDY ARE DANCING.”
Demon: “I CAN’T EVEN HEAR MYSELF THINK.” Turns off the music.
Randy: “Hey!“
Demon: “Wassup.”
Angel: “RB, shouldn’t you be writing instead of dancing.”
RB: “Finished book one.”
Randy: “That’s why we’re dancing! Celebration!!”
Angel and Demon hold out their hands.
RB: “What?”
Demon: “Hand over the damn manuscript.”
Angel: “We need to read it to inspect the quality. It has to be consistent with the other three.”
RB: “Fine.” Leaves to go get it.
Angel: “Listen, Randy, and listen carefully. RB is not to get sidetracked. With this manuscript finished, she needs to get editors and start submissions. While Demon and I go over the four books you have to help RB.”
Demon: “In other words, no more dicking around. Get to work.”
Randy: “Aye, aye, Captain. Roger that.”
RB: “Okay, here you go. Now, Randy, where were we?”
Randy: “Uummm… Writing a synopsis! Woohoo! Yaaaay!!“
RB: “…….”
Demon: “Why are you looking at me? Angel did it!”
Angel: “Sigh…”
RbH
Tagged: Angel vs. Demon, books, creative writing, R B Holbrook, randomness, synopsis
