Barbara Rainey's Blog, page 11

When You Feel Out of Sync Spiritually with Your Husband

This is the final post in a series taken from my book, Letters to My Daughters. The book is based on questions about marriage I gathered from my four daughters, my two “grafted in” daughters who married my sons, and many of their friends, and it’s dedicated to all of them by name. It was a very satisfying book to work on, both in the content and in the creative graphics.

This book is now available in paperback, and this week’s post is an excerpt. I hope and pray this letter will help your marriage, and if you want more be sure to get the book! It makes a great gift for anyone engaged to be married. Over 60,000 copies of the hardback sold, so I’m immensely grateful to Andy McGuire at Bethany Publishing for giving it more life in the new paperback version.  

Dear Mom: I thought we were really well matched when we got married—in our faith, that is—but I’m realizing we are really different here, too. It seems like we are doing well, and then out of the blue it feels like we are out of sync, or totally missing each other. It always catches me off guard. Advice?

To my girls,

I do get how easy it is to miss one another. Still happens to us, too, from time to time. The key is to make sure you both stay securely anchored to the solid Bedrock of your lives … not unlike the enormous foundation stones underneath the ancient temple in Jerusalem or the rock supporting historic cathedrals. You need to keep your focus on your own heart and who you are becoming, and not on your husband.

Churches and cathedrals have witnessed countless weddings. I was 23 when I walked down the aisle and repeated “I do.” To myself I thought, “I can do this, and I will be the best wife ever!” Did you feel that way, too, in your gown of white?

My confidence was high. Dennis and I were committed Christ followers and not just Sunday-morning pew warmers … so matrimonial success was virtually guaranteed, right? I was sure we would build a great marriage together and that it would be relatively easy.

Okay, I know you felt that way, too! We all start out optimistic to the max. Until reality crashes in.

I guess I should have told you that building a God-honoring marriage can be precarious, even scary at times. Sorry. Maybe then I should have tried to warn you, but you wouldn’t have believed me any more than I would have believed it on my wedding day. Most work in marriage is on-the-job training. But I’ve learned it’s not impossible even when it feels that way, so be encouraged.

I know you know the right foundation for your marriage is the Rock of Christ. But it’s so much more than just believing that He exists, or knowing the creeds. It’s belonging to Him as His daughter and being all His. It’s taking Him at His word when He says He will supply all your needs or when He says to forgive, just a God in Christ has forgiven you. It’s throwing yourself on Him because you have learned you simply cannot make this marriage thing that He created actually work.

And then you do it all over again every time you feel out of sync. Sometimes it’s needed daily.

Do you remember hearing us tell the story of our first Christmas, four months after our wedding? That December your dad and I signed over everything in our lives to God. We both wrote letters to God giving Him our lives before we gave each other our first Christmas gifts. It was a way of saying, “You are first in our lives, God, and we want You to always be first.” No one witnessed this little ceremony, but we hoped He would be pleased.

It seemed simple at the time—almost unnecessary, since we’d both given our lives to

Christ years before, but in hindsight it was anything but insignificant. Given the trials and tests to come, it was pivotal. Jesus was already the foundation of our faith, but on that first Christmas in 1972 He become the foundation of our marriage.

It would be easy to disregard our little Christmas ceremony as redundant and unnecessary. Old-fashioned. Quaint. After all, God knows you believe all that already, right?

But surrender is the essence of the gospel, and sometimes an outward expression of that inward commitment makes a stronger foundation. Surrender is necessary for forgiveness as 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteous.” Surrender to God as the only One who can give you what you need for your marriage is like the thin, almost invisible lead webbing which holds all those sparkling pieces of glass in place in the windows of every cathedral.

So if you’re struggling now, do a foundation inspection. Have you surrendered to Christ—is He the foundation of your life and your marriage? Is He the one holding your life and marriage together? You might have asked Jesus into your heart when you were little, but now as a woman there are more distractions, more to lure you away from your first love. An old hymn says, “Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.”

Remember:

Surrender to Jesus is not a one-time decision, but a daily one. Sometimes it’s needed many times in one day.A beautiful marriage is not possible without a solid foundation built on the Rock of Christ.And the windows of beauty God wants to add to your marriage structure can only remain strong with the glue of surrender securely in place between each pane of colored glass.

It’s always a good time to make sure your heart is all His,

Mom

This post was adapted with permission from my book, Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife , ©2016, Bethany House Publishers. If you enjoyed reading this, you’ll find many more letters in the book about different issues that come up in marriage. 

 

 

 

 

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The Barbara Rainey Podcast: Sexual Intimacy

Two become one. This is a phrase we use and talk about often, but I’ve found it’s also a hard phrase to fully understand. It feels like “two becoming one” in marriage should happen immediately after the wedding and when it doesn’t, we become frustrated. That leads me to today’s episode of my podcast…Sex. This topic is one that I have received many questions about over the years and eventually addressed in my book Letters To My Daughters: The Art of Being A Wife. 

On today’s episode of The Barbara Rainey Podcast, Dennis and I talk about a topic that needs a lot of attention, but unfortunately gets pushed aside far too often. We talk about what it looks like to put in the hard work to actually become one and some tips to keep your marriage a priority when you may not feel like it.

You can listen here or on any major podcast platform. I hope you take some time today to listen and are encouraged to truly become one with your spouse! 

Ever His,

Barbara

 

P.S. With your gift of $30 or more today, we would love to send you a copy of the new paperback edition of my book, Letters To My Daughters. We explore all kinds of questions from my daughters, including a whole chapter on sex. There are a limited number of copies, so be sure you make your gift today!

The post The Barbara Rainey Podcast: Sexual Intimacy appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

Avoiding Comparison When You Think Your Marriage Seems Harder than Others

This is the third in a series of posts taken from my book, Letters to My Daughters. The book is based on questions about marriage I gathered from my four daughters, my two “grafted in” daughters who married my sons, and many of their friends, and it’s dedicated to all of them by name. It was a very satisfying book to work on, both in the content and in the creative graphics.

This book is now available in paperback, and this week’s post is an excerpt. I hope and pray this letter will help your marriage, and if you want more be sure to get the book! It makes a great gift for anyone engaged to be married. Over 60,000 copies of the hardback sold, so I’m immensely grateful to Andy McGuire at Bethany Publishing for giving it more life in the new paperback version.

Dear Mom: I love my man. I’m thankful for him. But Mom, our relationship seems to be so much harder than other people’s. I just don’t understand. It’s like we are on autopilot, just going through the motions.

To my creative girls (all of you, yes, all of you!):

In the years when getting to church on time was a major event every week, I remember a family in our church that seemed to arrive peacefully, happily, and all put together. Never mind that the mother only had three kids to get ready while I had six. My perspective was that the children were adorable and always dressed beautifully, not in hand-me-downs or garage-sale finds like ours. The mom was tall and thin and always dressed attractively. You relate already, don’t you?

From my vantage point across the aisle, it seemed they never struggled with the stuff we dealt with, like learning disabilities, health issues, sibling rivalry, or ordinary marriage struggles. Because we weren’t friends, just acquaintances, I never saw behind the polished Sunday morning exterior. I knew they were as broken as we, but sometimes it was hard not to compare my known reality with what I thought was their reality. Life feels unfair any time we let our eyes view a couple’s canvas from afar.

We women all battle this temptation of comparison. Sadly, it doesn’t stop with age, but I don’t care as much as I used to, and that is a great victory!

Comparison or perspective is a principle I learned in art classes. Creating depth on a flat, one-dimensional surface necessitates mimicking what our eyes see in nature on a horizontal plane. Trees in the distance appear smaller and bluer than they actually are, so they must be painted smaller and in muted greens on the canvas. They aren’t the focal point, but part of the background.

In the same way, the family I saw from afar in our church was simply part of the background of my life. My problem was I wanted my painting, the colors God had given me to work with, to look more like theirs. Sometimes I focused too much on the women in the background around me instead of the focal point of my marriage and my family.

The Master Artist not only has a plan and a purpose for your marriage, but He has a vantage point, a perspective that you simply do not have. His view of our lives is total, knowing from beginning to end. His all-knowing mind chooses to give precisely what is needed at the right time.

Remember, He makes no mistakes. When He is busily adding layers and muted colors that don’t make sense to us, from His perspective He is adding depth and richness. I didn’t appreciate God giving us trials, but instead wanted a smooth ride and thought this other family had that kind of life.

The execution of this work of art called marriage cannot be achieved without surrendering faith, nor can it succeed if our eyes are on others instead of Him. I need to fix my eyes on Jesus.

Gazing at others invites self-criticism and discouragement. We see from afar what appears to be happy, healthy people, strong marriages, and well-behaved children … and we assume God is not working muted paint in their lives like He is in ours. Just as viewing a small painting in a museum from across the room blurs the detail and nuanced contrasts that are foundational, so does viewing other marriages and other families from a distance give a fuzzy picture.

Comparison is a subtle but debilitating temptation for both men and women, and it can lead to jealousy, anger, resentment, and even rejecting God Himself. I remember a children’s book in which a little monkey was working on a painting. He admired what the other animal artists were painting and asked for their help. Each came with his brush and added a new element to the monkey’s painting. The result was an ugly mess.

The moral of the story is the little monkey needed to paint his own vision and not try to be like everyone. God is saying, “Paint with the colors and vision I give you. Trust me.”

Remember:

Diligently reject the comparison trap.Remember God’s design for you and your marriage will be unlike any other.Give thanks and rejoice in those uniquenesses instead of resenting them.

May you have eyes to see perspective,

Mom

 

This post was adapted with permission from my book, Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife , ©2016, Bethany House Publishers. If you enjoyed reading this, you’ll find many more letters in the book about different issues that come up in marriage.

 

The post Avoiding Comparison When You Think Your Marriage Seems Harder than Others appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

Repairing the Damage from Premarital Sexual Choices

My favorite book I’ve ever written is Letters to My Daughters . I still love it because it’s a truly beautiful book with calligraphy and art throughout the interior. I also love it because it’s a summary of all the lessons I’ve learned in the married years of my life. So it’s the essence of who I am. 

The book is based on questions about marriage I gathered from my four daughters, my two “grafted in” daughters who married my sons, and many of their friends, and it’s dedicated to all of them by name, which I also love. It was a very satisfying book to work on, both in the content and in the creative graphics.

This book is now available in paperback, and this week’s post is an excerpt. I hope and pray this letter will help your marriage, and if you want more be sure to get the book! It makes a great gift for anyone engaged to be married. Over 60,000 copies of the hardback sold, so I’m immensely grateful to Andy McGuire at Bethany Publishing for giving it more life in the new paperback version.

Dear Mom: Without betraying a confidence, I need your help. There are some, ahh, issues in our intimate life stemming from past decisions. Is it just our path to deal with the repercussions of sin and know that it won’t ever be as great as if it hadn’t happened? Or is there hope for healing?

Dear girls:

First remember: there is always, always hope. Cling to that.

In the book The Secret Garden, do you remember what Mary Lennox saw when she first discovered the garden? Piles of leaves, weeds and thistles, broken branches, and rocks and bits of mortar fallen from the walls greeted her eyes. The garden was in terrible disrepair.

Yet instead of seeing the ruins as impossible to fix, she saw with wonder what could be. Her eyes saw the potential beauty, the hope of new life. Immediately she began her restoration work.

Likewise, our sexual relationships are often begun with walls broken and fractured and with weeds of past experiences choking out healthy sexual expression.

As in Mary’s garden, restoration to beauty is possible in the secret garden of marriage. We were made to bloom, to flourish in the place of maximum sunlight with the right amount of moisture—not too little, not too much. God plants us in a marriage with the potential to grow as individuals to mature beauty. But it takes time.

As a boomer-generation child, I came of age in the early days of the sexual revolution. A friend and radio guest, pediatrician Dr. Meg Meeker, said that our generation has left a terrible legacy in the sexual liberation we inaugurated. I agree with her. Casual sex and fluid gender identity is an epidemic spreading like wildfire, and the result for our children and grandchildren is truly frightening. As a result, it is rare that young couples marry today as virgins or enter matrimony untouched by abuse. Far too often, one or both carry physical, psychological, and emotional sexual scars into marriage.

It can feel like too much, but I know God is supremely able to rescue and restore. And so premarital experience must be addressed with your spouse. Once married, the experience is not just yours, but his to bear with you. As Paul said in Galatians 6:2, “Bear one another’s burdens.” Your wounds are now his, and his wounds yours. Your individual losses affect each other and your experience in sex.

Yet there is great joy in a love that overcomes. What a wonder it is to be welcomed in love, to not be alone with your losses but to be with another who loves in spite of the loss. Love does cover a multitude of sins. God delights to redeem and rescue, and He’s at work in this aspect of your marriage, too.

You see, it’s not just our individual mistakes that come with us to marriage. Lurking below the surface for every husband and every wife, in every marriage, is our universal shame. Every one of us is imperfect and bears the stain of shame before God. Though we long for the comfort and safety we intuitively know is to be found in the oneness of sexual intimacy, our shame often gets in the way. The consequences of sexual sin and abuse are not quickly overcome.

Past sexual experiences, universal shame, and all our miscellaneous baggage make the work of creating a beautiful secret garden more complicated than it was intended. Yet gratefully, with much love comes much forgiveness (see Luke 7:47).

It is in exposure to each other that we find the healing that love intends for us. This is the glorious beauty of marriage: that two injured, imperfect, sinful souls can live together in harmony and thereby demonstrate to the world that the intentions of God’s original beautiful redemptive design are possible. Every marriage that not only survives but thrives fearlessly in spite of all obstacles is building a sweet victory garden of great pleasure and joy.

One of my favorite phrases in the Bible speaks to all of us, broken trees that we are, damaged, infected, or unhealthy. In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul talks about those who are guilty of greed, idolatry, and sexual immorality, and then says, “And such were some of you” (1 Corinthians 6:11). This verse tells of a change, a shift, a rebirth. It is a new day. Hope is speaking words of promise for our deliverance from sin to freedom and beauty.

None who enter the garden through the gates of matrimony arrive unscathed by the darkness of sin. But every one of the redeemed—you and I—have been washed clean and set apart for His purposes and His plans, as individuals and in our marriages. We are building this secret garden in the midst of ruin, but with hope, always with hope.

Remember:

Be brave and risk sharing pieces of your story, one by one, with your beloved so that healing can begin in your secret garden.God loves to redeem. It’s His greatest joy.Nothing is too hard for Him. Even this.Be courageous and keep working on your secret garden even when it seems impossible.

May your gardening be filled with that hope, because He is able to do exceedingly beyond all we ask or think.

Mom

This post was adapted with permission from my book, Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife , ©2016, Bethany House Publishers. If you enjoyed reading this, you’ll find many more letters in the book about different issues that come up in marriage. 

I highly recommend Dr. Julie Slattery’s book Rethinking Sexuality.  She is a wonderfully humble person and her wisdom is profound on matters of intimacy in marriage. Her podcasts are also a great resource on this topic they can be find on her website puredesire.org.

The post Repairing the Damage from Premarital Sexual Choices appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

The Barbara Rainey Podcast: Weathering the Storms in Our Marriage

Weathering a storm in your marriage is never easy, but unfortunately something we all go through, eventually. It doesn’t typically take very long after the “I do’s” for the “worse” in “for better or for worse” to be tested. But I will say, I’ve heard from many people who have been through suffering—whether it’s shallow, small things or really deep, tragic things—and can say, on the other side, “I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t like it, but I knew God better. I came to know Him better as a result.” I would say that is definitely true for Dennis and me.

On today’s episode of The Barbara Rainey podcast, Dennis and I talk about what suffering has looked like in our marriage. Several years ago I wrote a book called Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife, and I devoted a whole chapter to suffering and how to view the valleys in marriage and not lose heart or hope. I hope you take some time to listen to today’s episode and are encouraged if you are walking through a hard season. You can listen here or on any major podcast platform. 

Also, we are thrilled to share that Bethany Publishing has graciously released a paperback version of the book! This has probably been my favorite book I wrote and what a joy to get to see it in another form being available to another generation of wives. You can secure your copy (for you or as a gift to a wife just starting her married journey) here, for a $30 or more donation to Ever Thine Home (includes shipping). We are so grateful for you and your continued support of this ministry. 

Grateful for you today,

Barbara

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The Bookend Recipe: When Differences No Longer Seem Cute

My favorite book I’ve ever written is Letters to My Daughters . I still love it because it’s a truly beautiful book with art and calligraphy throughout the interior. I also love it because it’s a summary of all the lessons I’ve learned in the married years of my life; therefore it’s the essence of who I am. 

The book is based on questions about marriage I gathered from my four daughters, my two “grafted in” daughters who married my sons, and many of their friends, and it’s dedicated to all of them by name, which I also love. It was a very satisfying book to work on, both in the content and in the creative graphics.

This book is now available in paperback, and this week’s post is an excerpt. I hope and pray this letter will help your marriage, and if you want more be sure to get the book! It makes a great gift for anyone engaged to be married. Over 60,000 copies of the hardback sold, so I’m immensely grateful to Andy McGuire at Bethany Publishing for giving it more life in the new paperback version.

Dear Mom: Okay, I get that we’re supposed to embrace our differences in marriage, and why. Obviously I want that, more than anyone. But what do you do when things you once thought were cute aren’t so cute anymore? What do I do when he is now just irritating me? I need to try something!

Dear daughters:

One of your dad’s favorite quotes is, “Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.” Reality sets in when those unique qualities that initially attracted you now feel irritating and difficult. It’s all about perspective.

Some of the differences I encountered were the ways we handled money, the ways we spent our free time, the ways we each expressed our emotions, and the ways we each felt about sex. We both soon learned they required more than just a one-time dialogue. A lifelong conversation was more like it. And they’re still going on today …

It’s not only that we are different. How we express those differences create clashes. It’s the clothes on the floor, the loudly shut doors, the toilet seat left up, the disaster left in my car, the forgetting to call when he’s late.

Like misreading one teaspoon of salt on a recipe as one tablespoon of salt, how we interpret his words or actions makes or ruins the recipe. When I interpret his clothes left on the floor as a message that says “You are my servant,” I believe the worst. But that thought never crossed my husband’s mind. It was just a bad habit.

I’ve learned that successfully blending the ingredients of our lives takes years and years of practice. Not weeks or months.

It means when the clothes or towels are left on the floor again, I choose to believe my husband did not intentionally neglect to pick them up just to create more work for me. Believing the best means I don’t misread his actions as a personal affront toward me. I also don’t become arrogant and assume that just because I don’t leave the floor trashed (in my humble opinion), I am superior to him. We’re just different.

Since he and I are cooking in the same kitchen in life, we need to find ways to cooperate, to believe the best about each other, to invite conversation while we work at this pot of stew called marriage. The temptation—when a recipe calls for another seemingly impossible mixing of differences—is to give up in resignation or to quit the marriage entirely.

One of my favorite verses says, “Nothing is impossible with God.” It’s helped me in countless moments of failure to not quit, to pull on the chef’s coat and remember respect and honor. You and your husband are a team, chef and sous-chef. Believe the best, keep talking about your differences, and don’t quit on that recipe! Deliciousness awaits, in time.

Over the years I’ve acquired a stack of go-to recipes that always win: brisket, cheese grits, rice pudding, my grandmother’s pound cake recipe, and many more. A no-fail marital recipe that we’ve used for years is the “bookend principle.” It’s a recipe for sweetening those hard-to-swallow conversations.

Just as bookends are used to prop up books that contain truth, so your dad and I reminded each other of our love, loyalty, and complete acceptance at both ends of difficult discussions: “I love you, and I’m committed to you. I will work this through with you so we can build a better marriage.” The security of those bookends, affirming that we believe in the best for our marriage, has always made the difficult truth much easier to hear.

My husband and yours need to frequently hear words of commitment and acceptance. And you do, too. Remind each other of your love. Tell him that you’d choose to marry him again. Tell him you are grateful for him. Thank him for making you laugh, for caring about your well-being, for trying hard, for going to work each day, for taking out the trash, for being spontaneous, for not quitting or giving up on you or your marriage.

Find those positives and tell him what you like about him. Conversations about differences and areas of conflict are easier to process when supported by bookends of abundant love and encouragement.

Remember:

Use the bookend recipe often.Believing the best is a choice. Make it often.And keep the conversations going. Never give up. Never stop talking.Differences will be with you for life. Focus on the big things like appreciating the soul of your husband, his heart, his desires to grow instead of focusing on the little things that irritate.

Praying you will remember that nothing is too hard for God,

Mom

 

This post was adapted with permission from my book, Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife , ©2016, Bethany House Publishers. If you enjoyed reading this, you’ll find many more letters in the book about different issues that come up in marriage. 

 

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3 Common Traps of Empty Nest Marriages

Every year in the early fall, moms and dads across the nation find themselves in a new season of marriage—the empty nest. Their last child has moved out of the home, and for parents it’s a time of major readjustment. Many of you may be entering this season of life, and that’s why my friend Susan Yates and I wrote a book called Barbara and Susan’s Guide to the Empty Nest . Here is an excerpt about the impact of the empty nest on moms and dads and their marriage:

Bess and Gary couldn’t wait for the empty nest. Raising their kids had been tough. They had different approaches to discipline, they’d struggled on a tight budget, and they’d postponed many of their dreams in order to be with their kids.

Now the last one was leaving the nest, and they felt they had done the best they could. Finally, they were about to be free from the daily stresses of parenting. They were excited. They couldn’t wait for it to be “just us” again.

Shelly’s situation was just the opposite. She had poured her life into her kids; they had come first. Now, as the last child got ready to leave, she was scared, really scared.

“I don’t even feel like I know my husband,” she said. “I haven’t been alone with him since I was 26. Our whole life has revolved around the kids. Now what will we talk about at the dinner table? What will we do on weekends? I don’t even know if I have energy left to put into this relationship. And, I don’t know if I want to.”

Wives and mothers, who most often feel the losses more than the dads and husbands, usually approach the empty nest with a mixture of fear and excitement. Yet at some point they will wonder, “What will my marriage look like now?” Anticipating the hurdles in the road ahead and being proactive is essential to a good marriage in the empty nest season.

Three common pitfalls

As Christians we believe there is an enemy of our souls who wants our marriages to fall apart. Part of the problem is we don’t often recognize this enemy or his tactics. Instead, we think the problem is us or, more likely, our spouse.

In order to successfully transition your marriage into the empty nest years, you should watch for three common pitfalls that the enemy will throw at you with subtlety or with vengeance. Being prepared is always half the battle.

1.A critical spirit.

How many middle-aged couples do you know who are still in love with each other and whose marriages you admire? How many do you know who regularly criticize, condemn, and alienate each other?

Newlyweds seem to have cornered the market on being in love. And why is that? They usually have the time and focus. Empty nest couples once again have the same two commodities; the challenge is to capitalize on them.

We’ve noticed that, for an empty nest wife, it is all too easy to fill the void left by the kids with criticism of her husband. It’s easy to find fault with what he has done or left undone, to try to help in a parental way, to revisit old wounds, to fret about the way she thinks things should be.

Why do we wives do this?

Partly because we are hurting and sad for our loss, partly because we know our husbands too well or we discover we’ve overlooked habits in our busyness and now they are glaring. Partly because we have been mothering for so long we switch our attention from our kids to our husband without thinking. Unconsciously we become critical and we don’t even realize what we are doing. It can be so subtle.

Once you do recognize what is happening, it’s time to change course. Making changes can sometimes be as simple as deciding: You make the choice to give your husband the benefit of the doubt, to not comment on everything he does or doesn’t do, to focus on the things you appreciate about him, and to verbally express gratitude.

Or it may not be so simple. Still you must choose to remain teachable and make your marriage a priority; but you may also need to work at building more understanding between the two of you. Find ways to spend more time together doing activities you both enjoy, or see a counselor who can coach you on dealing with loss and significant life change.

2. Emotional divorce.

It is so very common to arrive at the empty nest and feel some level of isolation. This has been true for both Susan and me. During transition we are especially vulnerable to this drift as each spouse processes the losses of life changes differently.

It might happen like this: He’s hurt me again. It’s the same old thing. There’s no use trying to talk it through. I just can’t go there again. It’s too exhausting, too painful. We’ll live in the same house and carry on, but I can’t keep trying. I can’t share with him at a deep level any more.

Picture a glass patio door. In a sense what you are doing is shutting the glass door on your marriage. You still see your spouse, but there’s a barrier between you. You can’t hear each others’ words or heart anymore.

This is emotional divorce—the road to isolation.

When you are pulled this way, recognize what is happening and make the decision to take a hammer and begin breaking the glass. How do you do this? Refuse to give in to the temptation to pull away from your spouse and, instead, choose to courageously talk to one another about the issues. Ask a wise couple ahead of you in this season whom you trust to talk with you. We all need someone who’s been where we are to help and assure us it will get better.

Your marriage is too important to let it fade away. A thick glass panel doesn’t crumble instantaneously. It takes constant chipping away until the barrier finally crumbles. In the same way, you need to be patient and chip away at your issues, knowing that God is for your marriage and He wants to remove the glass in order that fresh air might blow in and rejuvenate your marriage.

3. An affair.

If you fail to stop the drift toward emotional divorce, you will become increasingly vulnerable to a physical affair. Infidelity in women rarely takes place on the spur of the moment. Instead these types of relationships usually begin with an emotional affair: He understands me better than my husband does. I feel appreciation in my job more than from my husband. This male friend finds me attractive. I am drawn to him. When I’m busy with my ministry cause I feel needed, valued and important. I don’t feel that way in my marriage.  

It’s helpful to ask yourself, Am I believing in a fantasy or seeking the truth? God’s Word says that you are to flee from, not flirt, with temptation. You can still have a second career or mission in your life but not at the expense of your marriage. Your marriage is your first and most important mission so work to make it healthy and safe and vibrant again. Then, from that secure place venture out into new frontiers with your husband or on your own.

No limits

When driving a car, we are dependent upon road signs that signal speed limits, merging traffic, dangerous curves, and other warnings. These signs are in place for our safety. In a similar way, we share these warnings about the road ahead for the safety of your marriage. We are both strongly for marriages thriving, not just surviving. Knowing what the dangers are is the better part of avoiding them.

Remember: Your spouse is not your enemy. He is your partner.

You’re on the same team, and there is no limit to the new ventures that are available to empty nest couples. In planning for and pursuing these ventures together, your marriage can thrive.

Ask God to give you wisdom and watch Him work in ways that will go beyond your plans and even your dreams. As Ephesians 3:20-21 tells us, “Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever!” (NIV).

Adapted from Barbara and Susan’s Guide to the Empty Nest © by Barbara Rainey and Susan Yates. Published by FamilyLife Publishing. All rights reserved.

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The Barbara Rainey Podcast: Questions in the Empty Nest

For many of you, school has probably started in the last few weeks. Some of you may be really happy to have seen your kiddos off to school, but some of you may have recently sent your only or youngest child off to school or to the workforce and this may be a new season of empty nesting for you. I remember that feeling all too well. After having a child at home for more than 25 years, our house was so quiet when Laura left to go to college! I was suddenly very lonely and I remember asking myself, “Am I the only one who is feeling this way?” 

In today’s episode of The Barbara Rainey Podcast my dear friend Susan Yates and I talk about how we each handled this new season. Some months ago we spoke to a group of empty-nester-moms in Dallas and I wanted to share some of that talk with you. We discuss what an empty nest life can look like and all the emotions that come with it. 

We have found this journey basically boils down to four questions. 

Am I the only one who feels this way?What is happening to my relationships?Who have I become?What is my new purpose?

If you are in this stage of life, or will be an empty nester in the next year or two, I encourage you to take a little time and listen. You can listen here or on any major podcast platform. 

Susan and I also wrote a book called Barbara and Susan’s Guide to the Empty Nest several years ago. In this book, we expand on these questions and many others. I would encourage you to get a copy for yourself if you or a loved one is in this stage of life. With a gift of $30 or more, we would love to send you a copy of our book, Barbara and Susan’s Guide to the Empty Nest.

Praying for you all today!

Barbara

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We Serve an Amazing God

All the kids have gone home, the cake is eaten, and King Farm is now empty … except for the two of us who stayed to finish the cleanup and to rest.

But what a weekend it was when all our family gathered together to celebrate the 50 years that Dennis and I have been married. I will share more of the stories and photos from our weekend, but there isn’t time before this post must go live. So my plan is to tell more in my next “Friends & Family” letter, but here are a few photos from our phones from our time together plus a few stories that some of you emailed to us in August.

You may be wondering why we talked so much about our 50th anniversary in the month before the actual celebration on September 2. More than anything, Dennis and I want to let people know that God’s blueprints for marriage really work … when two people work to put aside their pride and selfishness and experience true oneness in marriage, they can make it. We want to encourage you to trust God and love each other unconditionally in your marriage.

In response to our 50th anniversary blog posts in August we heard from some readers who sent encouraging emails about their own marriages. One couple was Brad and Tami Miller, who wrote to thank us for the influence we had on their marriage:

Tami and I both grew up in broken and dysfunctional homes. Like so many others who fall in love, we thought our genuine love for each other would carry us through and be enough for us. It took about five years of being married to realize that we had no idea what genuine love in marriage looked like — it had never been modeled in our homes. Furthermore, there were many other things we never learned growing up in our broken home, things like: What did it look like for two parents to be united in parenting, what did it look like to work through marriage conflict together, and what does it look like to honor God (the creator of marriage) with our marriage?

Brad and Tami say their marriage slipped into some dark years “when our dysfunction outweighed our ability to just ‘be in love.’” They reached a crossroads and “fortunately for us, we chose wisely at the crossroads.” They read “lots of marriage books” and attended marriage conferences, including FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember weekend getaway.

Fast forward, we have been married for 37 years now … We have led marriage ministries, helped thousands of couples through our counseling center and marriage coaching, and started an organization called Tandem Marriage, and written a few books on marriage.

Another great email we received was from John and Myrt Rule, who said they will be celebrating their 50th anniversary on September 22. John said, “We have attended Weekend to Remember eight times as we gave it as a wedding gift to each of our children when they were engaged and attended with them.” John also wrote:

Thanks for all you do to help families. We have needed help over the years and God has abundantly provided through some tough difficult years at the start and then the challenge or raising them for HIM.

When we asked for permission to use their story, John wrote back and added more:

God has done amazing work in our lives over the years including when I almost walked away from the marriage, (mainly my fault) in the early years but through God’s incredible grace He has kept us together, making mistakes together and learning together to trust Him.”

At the end of their email was a wonderful photo of John and Myrt with their seven children and 27 children; notice that the kids have numbers on their t-shirts that indicate their birth order! I look at this photo and praise God for this wonderful family that might not even exist today if it wasn’t for His incredible grace. And we loved their idea of numbering grandkids so much we took a numbered photo of our 27 too. Watch for it on September 28.

We truly serve an amazing God who wants to work in your life to make you and your spouse and your kids more like Him.

Thank you for helping us celebrate the Rainey’s 50th anniversary!! 

We are thrilled so many of you not only purchased Our Story, BUT you also gave above and beyond the cost of creating the book.  So we were able to raise enough donations to help cover the cost of a videographer to help us create a new Bible study from Barbara on disappointment with God. 

This new video, with accompanying Bible study, will be available in January 2023! What a gift that is for the continuing work and ministry of Ever Thine Home. We could not do this ministry without your support. Thank you for giving so generously! 

And in case you might have missed it, the staff at Ever Thine Home created this page where anyone can leave congratulations or share a story of how their lives or marriages have been touched by Barbara and Dennis over the years. We have LOVED reading YOUR stories! Wow, God has been up to some big things and we celebrate what He has done far and wide in the lives of HIs people.

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50 Lessons from 50 Years of Marriage (Part 4): Committing Our Relationship to God

This year, with our 50th anniversary approaching, we decided to write down the story of how God brought us together. As we reminisced about those days, we remembered His unmistakable leading. And that conviction gave us a solid footing as we began our marriage. We’ve always known that God put us together, and therefore we’ve always known that we needed to depend on Him to make our marriage work.

We put that story, along with the entire list of “50 Lessons From 50 Years of Marriage,” into a book for our children and grandchildren. Our hope in the years ahead is that they’ll pull out this book from time to time and learn not only about their Mimi and Papa, but also about the God of the universe. As we wrote at the end of that book:

Our hope is that the story of how we met and the lessons we’ve learned during our marriage will dust your souls and hearts with itching powder so you’ll be curious enough to investigate the work and person, Jesus. He is a treasure beyond all other values worth searching for. We hope too that you will keep this little book wherever you go so that our lessons might guide you in the many years that lie before you.

In this final post of our series taken from our list of lessons, we focus on some things we’ve learned about committing our relationship to God:

Lesson #5: Our greatest Christmas present was giving our lives and marriage to Jesus Christ.

 For our first Christmas together in December of 1972, we decided to give gifts to God before we gave any to each other. Financially we had very little, and we’d only been married four months. But we wanted to honor Him on this holy day by giving Him our lives, our dreams, and our hopes for the future.

We both took a piece of notebook paper and listed those things we value and our dreams for the future. We signed and dated them, then folded the papers and put them in an envelope labeled “Title Deed to Our Lives.” We prayed a prayer of surrender and put them with our other important papers—our marriage license, birth certificates, and mortgage papers.

We didn’t look at them for almost 20 years. But God knew what they said and He knew our hearts. And in His great kindness and goodness He’s given us far more than we could have imagined. It wasn’t about manipulating God for good things; He doesn’t operate that way. It’s about personally surrendering to Jesus Christ, His will, and His plan. Nothing else. Those two papers represented our surrender to Jesus and our desire to lead lives that honored Him.

Today we look at those two pages dated December 19, 1972 and we marvel at what God has given: children and grandchildren … kindred spirit friends locally and around the world … and a lifetime of seeing God use us to make a difference for Christ in ways we couldn’t imagine. We are reminded of the words of Ephesians 3:20-21: “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think …to Him be glory … forever and ever” (NKJV).

Lesson #24: We protect our marriage when we keep teachable hearts.

 Early in our marriage and to this day we have highly valued the need for both of us to guard our hearts and remain teachable. We had a genuine fear we might suffer not from hardening of the arteries, but from a hardening of our hearts.

A hard heart is one that resists correction. Won’t admit fault. Won’t humbly ask for or grant forgiveness. A teachable heart is a spiritually receptive heart. It contains the fertile soil of humility that nourishes all growth.

Being two teachable people gave us the hope of something better after we hurt one another.  In retrospect it gave life and vibrancy to our marriage. Proverbs 4:23 says it this way: “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” In fact, the Bible is filled with references to the heart, starting with the Great Commandment which tells us to love God with all our heart and to love our neighbors as ourselves (Matthew 22:36-38).

Most adults fear and therefore do what’s necessary to prevent a heart attack. Why? Because if the heart dies, the person dies. So too our marriage would have begun to die the moment one of us refused to be teachable and open to change.

Guard your heart, lest it become hardened or not teachable.

Lesson #36: As ambassadors for Christ we made our home an embassy of the King of kings.  

Hospitality is a practice that is very familiar to most everyone, but seeing our home as an embassy? One day I (Barbara) saw the verse, “Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ” (2 Corinthians 5:20) and applied it to our home. I knew God commissioned us to be His ambassadors on earth, His representatives. But I’d never taken the understanding to my own home.

Ambassadors represent their home country in a foreign land, and so we as ambassadors for Christ are to do the same in this world which is also not our real home. Embassies in other countries feel like their home countries: framed images of national heroes hang on the walls, furnishings and food look and taste like home and the flag soars proudly over the building. The actual soil on which the building sits belongs to the homeland. It is a refuge for other citizens and those seeking to emigrate.

Knowing this about embassies led us to work on making our home His. We invited God to enter and bless our home for His purposes. I began to think about how to make our spaces and rooms pleasing to Him. Another goal was to make our embassy comfortable, welcoming and inviting to others and refreshing for our family as we all came home from being in the world.

We like thinking of our home as an embassy of the King!

Have you ever thought of your home as an embassy? I’m writing a series of blog posts for this fall expanding this idea because of how helpful it was for me. There are lots of practical applications for all of us in this idea.

I pray your heart belongs first to Jesus and that you keep your heart teachable and surrendered to King Jesus whose ambassador you are if you know Him as Savior!

Love this snippet from the Rainey’s new book, Our Story? Get your copy here!

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