Barbara Rainey's Blog, page 11

The Bookend Recipe: When Differences No Longer Seem Cute

My favorite book I’ve ever written is Letters to My Daughters . I still love it because it’s a truly beautiful book with art and calligraphy throughout the interior. I also love it because it’s a summary of all the lessons I’ve learned in the married years of my life; therefore it’s the essence of who I am. 

The book is based on questions about marriage I gathered from my four daughters, my two “grafted in” daughters who married my sons, and many of their friends, and it’s dedicated to all of them by name, which I also love. It was a very satisfying book to work on, both in the content and in the creative graphics.

This book is now available in paperback, and this week’s post is an excerpt. I hope and pray this letter will help your marriage, and if you want more be sure to get the book! It makes a great gift for anyone engaged to be married. Over 60,000 copies of the hardback sold, so I’m immensely grateful to Andy McGuire at Bethany Publishing for giving it more life in the new paperback version.

Dear Mom: Okay, I get that we’re supposed to embrace our differences in marriage, and why. Obviously I want that, more than anyone. But what do you do when things you once thought were cute aren’t so cute anymore? What do I do when he is now just irritating me? I need to try something!

Dear daughters:

One of your dad’s favorite quotes is, “Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.” Reality sets in when those unique qualities that initially attracted you now feel irritating and difficult. It’s all about perspective.

Some of the differences I encountered were the ways we handled money, the ways we spent our free time, the ways we each expressed our emotions, and the ways we each felt about sex. We both soon learned they required more than just a one-time dialogue. A lifelong conversation was more like it. And they’re still going on today …

It’s not only that we are different. How we express those differences create clashes. It’s the clothes on the floor, the loudly shut doors, the toilet seat left up, the disaster left in my car, the forgetting to call when he’s late.

Like misreading one teaspoon of salt on a recipe as one tablespoon of salt, how we interpret his words or actions makes or ruins the recipe. When I interpret his clothes left on the floor as a message that says “You are my servant,” I believe the worst. But that thought never crossed my husband’s mind. It was just a bad habit.

I’ve learned that successfully blending the ingredients of our lives takes years and years of practice. Not weeks or months.

It means when the clothes or towels are left on the floor again, I choose to believe my husband did not intentionally neglect to pick them up just to create more work for me. Believing the best means I don’t misread his actions as a personal affront toward me. I also don’t become arrogant and assume that just because I don’t leave the floor trashed (in my humble opinion), I am superior to him. We’re just different.

Since he and I are cooking in the same kitchen in life, we need to find ways to cooperate, to believe the best about each other, to invite conversation while we work at this pot of stew called marriage. The temptation—when a recipe calls for another seemingly impossible mixing of differences—is to give up in resignation or to quit the marriage entirely.

One of my favorite verses says, “Nothing is impossible with God.” It’s helped me in countless moments of failure to not quit, to pull on the chef’s coat and remember respect and honor. You and your husband are a team, chef and sous-chef. Believe the best, keep talking about your differences, and don’t quit on that recipe! Deliciousness awaits, in time.

Over the years I’ve acquired a stack of go-to recipes that always win: brisket, cheese grits, rice pudding, my grandmother’s pound cake recipe, and many more. A no-fail marital recipe that we’ve used for years is the “bookend principle.” It’s a recipe for sweetening those hard-to-swallow conversations.

Just as bookends are used to prop up books that contain truth, so your dad and I reminded each other of our love, loyalty, and complete acceptance at both ends of difficult discussions: “I love you, and I’m committed to you. I will work this through with you so we can build a better marriage.” The security of those bookends, affirming that we believe in the best for our marriage, has always made the difficult truth much easier to hear.

My husband and yours need to frequently hear words of commitment and acceptance. And you do, too. Remind each other of your love. Tell him that you’d choose to marry him again. Tell him you are grateful for him. Thank him for making you laugh, for caring about your well-being, for trying hard, for going to work each day, for taking out the trash, for being spontaneous, for not quitting or giving up on you or your marriage.

Find those positives and tell him what you like about him. Conversations about differences and areas of conflict are easier to process when supported by bookends of abundant love and encouragement.

Remember:

Use the bookend recipe often.Believing the best is a choice. Make it often.And keep the conversations going. Never give up. Never stop talking.Differences will be with you for life. Focus on the big things like appreciating the soul of your husband, his heart, his desires to grow instead of focusing on the little things that irritate.

Praying you will remember that nothing is too hard for God,

Mom

 

This post was adapted with permission from my book, Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife , ©2016, Bethany House Publishers. If you enjoyed reading this, you’ll find many more letters in the book about different issues that come up in marriage. 

 

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3 Common Traps of Empty Nest Marriages

Every year in the early fall, moms and dads across the nation find themselves in a new season of marriage—the empty nest. Their last child has moved out of the home, and for parents it’s a time of major readjustment. Many of you may be entering this season of life, and that’s why my friend Susan Yates and I wrote a book called Barbara and Susan’s Guide to the Empty Nest . Here is an excerpt about the impact of the empty nest on moms and dads and their marriage:

Bess and Gary couldn’t wait for the empty nest. Raising their kids had been tough. They had different approaches to discipline, they’d struggled on a tight budget, and they’d postponed many of their dreams in order to be with their kids.

Now the last one was leaving the nest, and they felt they had done the best they could. Finally, they were about to be free from the daily stresses of parenting. They were excited. They couldn’t wait for it to be “just us” again.

Shelly’s situation was just the opposite. She had poured her life into her kids; they had come first. Now, as the last child got ready to leave, she was scared, really scared.

“I don’t even feel like I know my husband,” she said. “I haven’t been alone with him since I was 26. Our whole life has revolved around the kids. Now what will we talk about at the dinner table? What will we do on weekends? I don’t even know if I have energy left to put into this relationship. And, I don’t know if I want to.”

Wives and mothers, who most often feel the losses more than the dads and husbands, usually approach the empty nest with a mixture of fear and excitement. Yet at some point they will wonder, “What will my marriage look like now?” Anticipating the hurdles in the road ahead and being proactive is essential to a good marriage in the empty nest season.

Three common pitfalls

As Christians we believe there is an enemy of our souls who wants our marriages to fall apart. Part of the problem is we don’t often recognize this enemy or his tactics. Instead, we think the problem is us or, more likely, our spouse.

In order to successfully transition your marriage into the empty nest years, you should watch for three common pitfalls that the enemy will throw at you with subtlety or with vengeance. Being prepared is always half the battle.

1.A critical spirit.

How many middle-aged couples do you know who are still in love with each other and whose marriages you admire? How many do you know who regularly criticize, condemn, and alienate each other?

Newlyweds seem to have cornered the market on being in love. And why is that? They usually have the time and focus. Empty nest couples once again have the same two commodities; the challenge is to capitalize on them.

We’ve noticed that, for an empty nest wife, it is all too easy to fill the void left by the kids with criticism of her husband. It’s easy to find fault with what he has done or left undone, to try to help in a parental way, to revisit old wounds, to fret about the way she thinks things should be.

Why do we wives do this?

Partly because we are hurting and sad for our loss, partly because we know our husbands too well or we discover we’ve overlooked habits in our busyness and now they are glaring. Partly because we have been mothering for so long we switch our attention from our kids to our husband without thinking. Unconsciously we become critical and we don’t even realize what we are doing. It can be so subtle.

Once you do recognize what is happening, it’s time to change course. Making changes can sometimes be as simple as deciding: You make the choice to give your husband the benefit of the doubt, to not comment on everything he does or doesn’t do, to focus on the things you appreciate about him, and to verbally express gratitude.

Or it may not be so simple. Still you must choose to remain teachable and make your marriage a priority; but you may also need to work at building more understanding between the two of you. Find ways to spend more time together doing activities you both enjoy, or see a counselor who can coach you on dealing with loss and significant life change.

2. Emotional divorce.

It is so very common to arrive at the empty nest and feel some level of isolation. This has been true for both Susan and me. During transition we are especially vulnerable to this drift as each spouse processes the losses of life changes differently.

It might happen like this: He’s hurt me again. It’s the same old thing. There’s no use trying to talk it through. I just can’t go there again. It’s too exhausting, too painful. We’ll live in the same house and carry on, but I can’t keep trying. I can’t share with him at a deep level any more.

Picture a glass patio door. In a sense what you are doing is shutting the glass door on your marriage. You still see your spouse, but there’s a barrier between you. You can’t hear each others’ words or heart anymore.

This is emotional divorce—the road to isolation.

When you are pulled this way, recognize what is happening and make the decision to take a hammer and begin breaking the glass. How do you do this? Refuse to give in to the temptation to pull away from your spouse and, instead, choose to courageously talk to one another about the issues. Ask a wise couple ahead of you in this season whom you trust to talk with you. We all need someone who’s been where we are to help and assure us it will get better.

Your marriage is too important to let it fade away. A thick glass panel doesn’t crumble instantaneously. It takes constant chipping away until the barrier finally crumbles. In the same way, you need to be patient and chip away at your issues, knowing that God is for your marriage and He wants to remove the glass in order that fresh air might blow in and rejuvenate your marriage.

3. An affair.

If you fail to stop the drift toward emotional divorce, you will become increasingly vulnerable to a physical affair. Infidelity in women rarely takes place on the spur of the moment. Instead these types of relationships usually begin with an emotional affair: He understands me better than my husband does. I feel appreciation in my job more than from my husband. This male friend finds me attractive. I am drawn to him. When I’m busy with my ministry cause I feel needed, valued and important. I don’t feel that way in my marriage.  

It’s helpful to ask yourself, Am I believing in a fantasy or seeking the truth? God’s Word says that you are to flee from, not flirt, with temptation. You can still have a second career or mission in your life but not at the expense of your marriage. Your marriage is your first and most important mission so work to make it healthy and safe and vibrant again. Then, from that secure place venture out into new frontiers with your husband or on your own.

No limits

When driving a car, we are dependent upon road signs that signal speed limits, merging traffic, dangerous curves, and other warnings. These signs are in place for our safety. In a similar way, we share these warnings about the road ahead for the safety of your marriage. We are both strongly for marriages thriving, not just surviving. Knowing what the dangers are is the better part of avoiding them.

Remember: Your spouse is not your enemy. He is your partner.

You’re on the same team, and there is no limit to the new ventures that are available to empty nest couples. In planning for and pursuing these ventures together, your marriage can thrive.

Ask God to give you wisdom and watch Him work in ways that will go beyond your plans and even your dreams. As Ephesians 3:20-21 tells us, “Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever!” (NIV).

Adapted from Barbara and Susan’s Guide to the Empty Nest © by Barbara Rainey and Susan Yates. Published by FamilyLife Publishing. All rights reserved.

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The Barbara Rainey Podcast: Questions in the Empty Nest

For many of you, school has probably started in the last few weeks. Some of you may be really happy to have seen your kiddos off to school, but some of you may have recently sent your only or youngest child off to school or to the workforce and this may be a new season of empty nesting for you. I remember that feeling all too well. After having a child at home for more than 25 years, our house was so quiet when Laura left to go to college! I was suddenly very lonely and I remember asking myself, “Am I the only one who is feeling this way?” 

In today’s episode of The Barbara Rainey Podcast my dear friend Susan Yates and I talk about how we each handled this new season. Some months ago we spoke to a group of empty-nester-moms in Dallas and I wanted to share some of that talk with you. We discuss what an empty nest life can look like and all the emotions that come with it. 

We have found this journey basically boils down to four questions. 

Am I the only one who feels this way?What is happening to my relationships?Who have I become?What is my new purpose?

If you are in this stage of life, or will be an empty nester in the next year or two, I encourage you to take a little time and listen. You can listen here or on any major podcast platform. 

Susan and I also wrote a book called Barbara and Susan’s Guide to the Empty Nest several years ago. In this book, we expand on these questions and many others. I would encourage you to get a copy for yourself if you or a loved one is in this stage of life. With a gift of $30 or more, we would love to send you a copy of our book, Barbara and Susan’s Guide to the Empty Nest.

Praying for you all today!

Barbara

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We Serve an Amazing God

All the kids have gone home, the cake is eaten, and King Farm is now empty … except for the two of us who stayed to finish the cleanup and to rest.

But what a weekend it was when all our family gathered together to celebrate the 50 years that Dennis and I have been married. I will share more of the stories and photos from our weekend, but there isn’t time before this post must go live. So my plan is to tell more in my next “Friends & Family” letter, but here are a few photos from our phones from our time together plus a few stories that some of you emailed to us in August.

You may be wondering why we talked so much about our 50th anniversary in the month before the actual celebration on September 2. More than anything, Dennis and I want to let people know that God’s blueprints for marriage really work … when two people work to put aside their pride and selfishness and experience true oneness in marriage, they can make it. We want to encourage you to trust God and love each other unconditionally in your marriage.

In response to our 50th anniversary blog posts in August we heard from some readers who sent encouraging emails about their own marriages. One couple was Brad and Tami Miller, who wrote to thank us for the influence we had on their marriage:

Tami and I both grew up in broken and dysfunctional homes. Like so many others who fall in love, we thought our genuine love for each other would carry us through and be enough for us. It took about five years of being married to realize that we had no idea what genuine love in marriage looked like — it had never been modeled in our homes. Furthermore, there were many other things we never learned growing up in our broken home, things like: What did it look like for two parents to be united in parenting, what did it look like to work through marriage conflict together, and what does it look like to honor God (the creator of marriage) with our marriage?

Brad and Tami say their marriage slipped into some dark years “when our dysfunction outweighed our ability to just ‘be in love.’” They reached a crossroads and “fortunately for us, we chose wisely at the crossroads.” They read “lots of marriage books” and attended marriage conferences, including FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember weekend getaway.

Fast forward, we have been married for 37 years now … We have led marriage ministries, helped thousands of couples through our counseling center and marriage coaching, and started an organization called Tandem Marriage, and written a few books on marriage.

Another great email we received was from John and Myrt Rule, who said they will be celebrating their 50th anniversary on September 22. John said, “We have attended Weekend to Remember eight times as we gave it as a wedding gift to each of our children when they were engaged and attended with them.” John also wrote:

Thanks for all you do to help families. We have needed help over the years and God has abundantly provided through some tough difficult years at the start and then the challenge or raising them for HIM.

When we asked for permission to use their story, John wrote back and added more:

God has done amazing work in our lives over the years including when I almost walked away from the marriage, (mainly my fault) in the early years but through God’s incredible grace He has kept us together, making mistakes together and learning together to trust Him.”

At the end of their email was a wonderful photo of John and Myrt with their seven children and 27 children; notice that the kids have numbers on their t-shirts that indicate their birth order! I look at this photo and praise God for this wonderful family that might not even exist today if it wasn’t for His incredible grace. And we loved their idea of numbering grandkids so much we took a numbered photo of our 27 too. Watch for it on September 28.

We truly serve an amazing God who wants to work in your life to make you and your spouse and your kids more like Him.

Thank you for helping us celebrate the Rainey’s 50th anniversary!! 

We are thrilled so many of you not only purchased Our Story, BUT you also gave above and beyond the cost of creating the book.  So we were able to raise enough donations to help cover the cost of a videographer to help us create a new Bible study from Barbara on disappointment with God. 

This new video, with accompanying Bible study, will be available in January 2023! What a gift that is for the continuing work and ministry of Ever Thine Home. We could not do this ministry without your support. Thank you for giving so generously! 

And in case you might have missed it, the staff at Ever Thine Home created this page where anyone can leave congratulations or share a story of how their lives or marriages have been touched by Barbara and Dennis over the years. We have LOVED reading YOUR stories! Wow, God has been up to some big things and we celebrate what He has done far and wide in the lives of HIs people.

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50 Lessons from 50 Years of Marriage (Part 4): Committing Our Relationship to God

This year, with our 50th anniversary approaching, we decided to write down the story of how God brought us together. As we reminisced about those days, we remembered His unmistakable leading. And that conviction gave us a solid footing as we began our marriage. We’ve always known that God put us together, and therefore we’ve always known that we needed to depend on Him to make our marriage work.

We put that story, along with the entire list of “50 Lessons From 50 Years of Marriage,” into a book for our children and grandchildren. Our hope in the years ahead is that they’ll pull out this book from time to time and learn not only about their Mimi and Papa, but also about the God of the universe. As we wrote at the end of that book:

Our hope is that the story of how we met and the lessons we’ve learned during our marriage will dust your souls and hearts with itching powder so you’ll be curious enough to investigate the work and person, Jesus. He is a treasure beyond all other values worth searching for. We hope too that you will keep this little book wherever you go so that our lessons might guide you in the many years that lie before you.

In this final post of our series taken from our list of lessons, we focus on some things we’ve learned about committing our relationship to God:

Lesson #5: Our greatest Christmas present was giving our lives and marriage to Jesus Christ.

 For our first Christmas together in December of 1972, we decided to give gifts to God before we gave any to each other. Financially we had very little, and we’d only been married four months. But we wanted to honor Him on this holy day by giving Him our lives, our dreams, and our hopes for the future.

We both took a piece of notebook paper and listed those things we value and our dreams for the future. We signed and dated them, then folded the papers and put them in an envelope labeled “Title Deed to Our Lives.” We prayed a prayer of surrender and put them with our other important papers—our marriage license, birth certificates, and mortgage papers.

We didn’t look at them for almost 20 years. But God knew what they said and He knew our hearts. And in His great kindness and goodness He’s given us far more than we could have imagined. It wasn’t about manipulating God for good things; He doesn’t operate that way. It’s about personally surrendering to Jesus Christ, His will, and His plan. Nothing else. Those two papers represented our surrender to Jesus and our desire to lead lives that honored Him.

Today we look at those two pages dated December 19, 1972 and we marvel at what God has given: children and grandchildren … kindred spirit friends locally and around the world … and a lifetime of seeing God use us to make a difference for Christ in ways we couldn’t imagine. We are reminded of the words of Ephesians 3:20-21: “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think …to Him be glory … forever and ever” (NKJV).

Lesson #24: We protect our marriage when we keep teachable hearts.

 Early in our marriage and to this day we have highly valued the need for both of us to guard our hearts and remain teachable. We had a genuine fear we might suffer not from hardening of the arteries, but from a hardening of our hearts.

A hard heart is one that resists correction. Won’t admit fault. Won’t humbly ask for or grant forgiveness. A teachable heart is a spiritually receptive heart. It contains the fertile soil of humility that nourishes all growth.

Being two teachable people gave us the hope of something better after we hurt one another.  In retrospect it gave life and vibrancy to our marriage. Proverbs 4:23 says it this way: “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” In fact, the Bible is filled with references to the heart, starting with the Great Commandment which tells us to love God with all our heart and to love our neighbors as ourselves (Matthew 22:36-38).

Most adults fear and therefore do what’s necessary to prevent a heart attack. Why? Because if the heart dies, the person dies. So too our marriage would have begun to die the moment one of us refused to be teachable and open to change.

Guard your heart, lest it become hardened or not teachable.

Lesson #36: As ambassadors for Christ we made our home an embassy of the King of kings.  

Hospitality is a practice that is very familiar to most everyone, but seeing our home as an embassy? One day I (Barbara) saw the verse, “Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ” (2 Corinthians 5:20) and applied it to our home. I knew God commissioned us to be His ambassadors on earth, His representatives. But I’d never taken the understanding to my own home.

Ambassadors represent their home country in a foreign land, and so we as ambassadors for Christ are to do the same in this world which is also not our real home. Embassies in other countries feel like their home countries: framed images of national heroes hang on the walls, furnishings and food look and taste like home and the flag soars proudly over the building. The actual soil on which the building sits belongs to the homeland. It is a refuge for other citizens and those seeking to emigrate.

Knowing this about embassies led us to work on making our home His. We invited God to enter and bless our home for His purposes. I began to think about how to make our spaces and rooms pleasing to Him. Another goal was to make our embassy comfortable, welcoming and inviting to others and refreshing for our family as we all came home from being in the world.

We like thinking of our home as an embassy of the King!

Have you ever thought of your home as an embassy? I’m writing a series of blog posts for this fall expanding this idea because of how helpful it was for me. There are lots of practical applications for all of us in this idea.

I pray your heart belongs first to Jesus and that you keep your heart teachable and surrendered to King Jesus whose ambassador you are if you know Him as Savior!

Love this snippet from the Rainey’s new book, Our Story? Get your copy here!

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The Barbara Rainey Podcast: Dennis & Barbara Rainey’s Courtship and Engagement

Do you remember the moment you and your spouse moved from friends to “more than that”? For me, I didn’t think I was ready to move past the friends stage because I didn’t want to ruin the great friendship that Dennis and I had. When you ask Dennis… he was ready to move to the next stage much faster than I was! 

As Dennis and I get closer to celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary, I thought it would be fun to share the story of our courtship and engagement! On this episode of The Barbara Rainey Podcast, Dennis and I talk about how we became friends and when our dear friend Don and Sally Meredith sat us down and to our surprise asked us what was going on between us because people were talking. We weren’t even dating! I hope you take a bit of time to listen to the full story. It was fun to talk about how we grew from friends to engaged, and the lessons we learned during that time. You can listen here or on any major podcast platform.

Ever His,

Barbara

P.S. There are still a few copies left of our newest book, Our Story, and we would love to send you a copy with your gift of $60 or more during the month of August. Click here to secure your copy today!   

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50 Lessons from 50 Years of Marriage (Part 3): Still Learning After All These Years

As we approach our 50th anniversary, you might think we’re now in cruise control with our marriage. If so, you are mistaken!  We’re still learning … often from our errors … and still growing in our relationship with God and with each other.

As a result, we decided to create a book, Our Story, for our six children and their spouses and our soon-to-be 27 grandchildren.

Our Story tells about our backgrounds, how we came to faith in Christ, how we met in college, our dating, engagement and marriage. The second half of Our Story contains 50 lessons from 50 years of marriage. We printed enough for our family and a small quantity to offer to you our friends. This limited print run is available for a donation to Ever Thine Home. To find out more click here!

This is the third in a four-part series presenting some of these 50 lessons. This week we’re featuring some practical ways to build oneness in marriage—lessons we’ve often learned the hard way! And if you’re interested in seeing the entire list, be sure to get Our Story, which will be available in September.

Here are a few lessons we’ve learned during what we call “Prime Time”—the years after our kids left home.

Lesson #33: Understanding my wife is not a “one and done.”

The mystery of every woman is she continues to change through the years. He who made woman made her to be complex with multiple facets like a brilliant diamond. Hence the command from God to husbands to “live with your wives in an understanding way…” (1 Peter 3:7).

I (Dennis) have watched Barbara grow, develop, and change over the years, blossoming in many ways. She is not the same woman she was when we married. But she has also experienced a long list of challenges and hardships that have drained her even as they have, in the long run, deepened her. In those seasons of hardship, she needed a different kind and level of understanding than in our early, care-free years.

As I am called to be like Christ in our marriage, I’m called to seek to know and understand Barbara as He does … her relationships, aspirations, disappointments, and what nourishes her soul. That’s an impossible task, but with the Holy Spirit helping and guiding I can continue to grow in understanding. In some cases, I’ve even looked back over situations over the last 20 years and have understood more fully how Barbara had been hurt and overlooked in the crush of family and ministry needs.

As I pursue Barbara in love and seek to know her, I find myself living with her in an understanding way—thinking of her, of her well being … instead of thinking about myself.

Dennis, Barbara, Ashley Rainey Escue and Ben Rainey

Lesson #41: Losses are a part of life and multiply with age.

Over the course of our marriage we’ve experienced many losses together. Not just the loss of parents, family, and friends through death, estrangement or moves. But we have friends who have lost jobs, economic stability, or their health. Others have watched their houses burn to the ground, have been robbed, had their identity stolen, had their innocence taken by force or have lost mobility and independence.

The longer we live, the greater the accumulation of losses.

Losses have tested our faith and our bond in marriage, too. Losses prove the endurance of every marriage promise. A book that has helped us both immensely in dealing with losses of every kind is A Grace Disguised by our friend Dr. Jerry Sittser. It’s a compelling story of how one man dealt with the loss of his wife, mother and daughter in a car wreck. Buy it. You’ll need it someday. It’s one of our top 10 books we’ve read in our lifetimes. 

Lesson #42. We aren’t focused on leaving a legacy, but on living our legacy.

The word “legacy” isn’t found anywhere in the Scriptures, but the concept is woven through the fabric of the Bible from Genesis through Revelation. Our legacy isn’t what we leave. It’s the memory of how we have lived.

Our mentor, Dr. Howard Hendricks said, “My fear is not that you will fail, but that you will succeed in doing the wrong things.”

We’ve concluded that our legacy is the sum total of all the decisions we make in our lifetimes. It’s determined by our worldview, which is seen in our choices. A legacy is the example of our lives. A model of our love for God and others, His Word, and His work for future generations and a time we will not see. We hope and pray our children and grandchildren will remember and want to imitate our faith and obedience to Christ.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the Christian martyr said with “20-20” insight, “It is the righteous man who lives for the next generation.”

Once upon a time we thought we would arrive at a place that was smoother sailing in marriage but we’ve learned that was fairy tale thinking. We are both learning to understand one another in new ways in this prime-time season as we face more losses than in our early years. And we are more focused than ever on passing on a faith-example to our grandkids that we hope they will want to continue in their lives. Living a legacy is indeed very different than leaving one.

May these thoughts challenge yours as you too live for the King!

Love this snippet from the Rainey’s new book, Our Story? Get your copy here!

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50 Lessons from 50 Years of Marriage (Part 2): Practical Ways to Build Oneness

This is the second in a four-part series presenting some of the key lessons we’ve learned during 50 years of marriage. This week we’re featuring some practical ways to build oneness in marriage—lessons we’ve often learned the hard way! And if you’re interested in seeing the entire list, be sure to get Our Story. Available in September!After five decades together, we are still continually learning how to make our marriage work!

Lesson #9: We learned how to be accountable to one another—to confess our struggles, temptations, and sins to each other.

A verse that became important early in our marriage was James 5:16: “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” We learned in year one that a healthy marriage is one where your spouse has access to the interior of your soul.

Dennis began hosting a weekly Bible study in our home. As the businessmen arrived before the study one of them always wanted to talk to me. After a few sessions I (Barbara) began to feel uncomfortable with and confused by his continual attention. I wondered if it was just my imagination; after all he was married with four kids.

My struggle was with transparency. Should I ignore this, deal with it alone, or share it with Dennis? I decided, fearfully, to share. I was greatly relieved that he believed me and didn’t ridicule me. He immediately moved the study to a restaurant. I felt validated and he felt grateful for my honesty and transparency. Our marriage grew deeper by that experience.

Over the years we became “accountability partners” for each other. I (Dennis) asked Barbara many times, “Will you pray for me? I’m struggling with betrayal, or lust, or envy, or comparison.”

We’ve found that our struggles and temptations are clarified as we bring them out in the open with the person who knows us best and loves us most. Forgiving a person or asking for forgiveness … experiencing temptations toward a coworker or neighbor … resisting bitterness toward someone who has hurt you deeply … are all better managed with the help of your spouse. When we risk transparency we can experience freedom, love, and greater oneness.

Lesson #14: Determine your core values as a couple.

In the second decade of our marriage, we went on a three-day retreat which, in hindsight, was one of the most significant weekends for our marriage and family. We took an hour alone to write down the top 10 values we each wanted to teach and nurture in our children. Values are intangible qualities like truthful, integrity, forgiveness and kindness … and also tangible activities like celebrating birthdays and holidays, serving the poor and homeless, or going to church every Sunday.

We looked together at our lists and talked about why we chose those values. We then collaborated and created a list of five core values that we both agreed upon. It was a challenge because each of us had to say no to some values we held dear. But over the remaining years of our parenting, our list of five values has called us away from adult peer pressure—what all the other parents were doing—to those things we agreed were most important for us and our family.

That project helped maintain our oneness as a couple when faced with decisions regarding our children’s activities and how we spent our time and money as a family. Our values—not comparison with other families—became our guidelines.

The 80’s were fruitful years!

Lesson #17: Lavishly forgive one another.

Forgiveness owes its value to its scarcity.  It’s the missing ingredient in far too many families and marriages that profess to follow Christ. Ruth Bell Graham, wife of evangelist Billy Graham, once said, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”

One of our top five values in our marriage and with our children was practicing forgiveness daily. We forgave each other often and sometimes out loud with the kids listening. We taught our children to do the same. Our kids will tell you we repeated instructions on forgiveness probably more than any other lesson we worked to teach. We instructed them to name the mistake or sin and then to say the words, “Will you forgive me for that?”

We also taught the offended person to then say, “Yes I forgive you for __________.” Saying, “Sorry if I hurt you” was not allowed. Vagueness wasn’t either. Sin is serious to God. He sent Jesus to die for our sin so we treated it seriously in our home with our children.

We also taught our kids Ephesians 4:32, and sang these words: “Be kind to one another … forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Forgiveness means giving up the right to punish the other person. If we don’t forgive bitterness can grow and bitterness creates isolation. They knew if they forgave they had to mean it and that retaliating was not allowed. Failing to forgive or ask for forgiveness kills oneness, unity, and life in marriage, family and all relationships.

It’s amazing to me how often we have to return to these lessons and relearn them! Repeat … repeat … repeat is the story of our lives, our marriage and yours too. These lessons have been learned but not mastered. And they won’t be on earth.

But God’s grace has become more precious over these 50 years as we’ve experienced His kindness in continually giving us repeated opportunities to confess, forgive and realign with His values. And though mastery isn’t possible, humility and eagerness to forgive quickly has grown with the years.

God is good. All the time.

May you too experience growth in humility and eagerness to forgive.

Love this snippet from the Rainey’s new book, Our Story? Get your copy here!

The post 50 Lessons from 50 Years of Marriage (Part 2): Practical Ways to Build Oneness appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

The Barbara Rainey Podcast: Lessons From 50 Years of Marriage

It’s hard to believe we are nearing the middle of August, and around here schools are starting back in the next week or so. When our kids started back to school, that always increased the busyness of our family, and when the busyness of our family increased, time for Dennis and me to focus on our marriage decreased.

That’s one of the lessons Dennis and I talk through on today’s episode of The Barbara Rainey Podcast. We are walking through several more of the lessons we learned over the past 50 years of marriage. We talk about keeping date night sacred, learning the importance of being each other’s “safe” person, and always being honest with each other, and so much more!

On this podcast we also talk a little about struggling marriages. If this is you, I encourage you to listen prayerfully. Lift up your marriage and the marriages of others you know to the only One who is our perfect Bridegroom: the Lord Jesus Christ. I know marriage is hard, and please know I am praying for you!

I hope you take some time to listen to this episode and I pray you are able to apply some of the lessons we have learned in your relationships. You can listen to today’s episode here or on any major podcast platform.

Ever His,
Barbara

P.S. As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, if you would like to know our full list of 50 Lessons from 50 years be sure to snag a copy of our new book Our Story. To commemorate our 50th anniversary, which will happen September 2, 2022, we decided to write a book about some of the key lessons we have learned over our 50 years of marriage to share with our kids and grandkids. We would love to send you a copy at the end of September of Our Story with your gift of $50 or more in the month of August. There are only a VERY limited number of copies available, so be sure to make your gift TODAY to secure yours!

The post The Barbara Rainey Podcast: Lessons From 50 Years of Marriage appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

50 Lessons From 50 Years of Marriage: Learning About God’s Blueprints for Marriage

Fifty years ago when I (Dennis) married Barbara Ann Peterson I was a rookie, repeatedly failing to appreciate the dignity of the gifted woman, friend, partner, lover, and confidante God had brought me. Honestly, I barely even knew her.

Looking back, we both realize we had no idea what we were doing. We thought we knew each other so well and were so alike, but we were clueless. But God in His grace and kindness guided us because we were both committed to doing marriage His way. He helped us, orchestrated circumstances, provided generously for us in all our many inadequacies.

Even in the seasons when we felt helpless and hopeless, He was present and working on our hearts. We just didn’t always see His hand. Hindsight is clearer.

Now our 50th anniversary is coming up on September 2. After five decades of married life … after six children and (soon to be) 27 grandchildren … we’ve learned and relearned more than we can count. But we did come up with a list, and over the next four weeks we want to give you a selection. If you enjoy this, be sure to get the book, Our Story, that lists all “50 Lessons from 50 Years of Marriage.”

We hope this might encourage you in your life and marriage to keep on and never stop believing God, no matter what befalls you.

On our honeymoon near Steamboat Springs, CO

Lesson #1: The couple that prays together stays together.

In the first few months of our marriage, I (Dennis) asked a mentor this question: “You’ve been married 25 years. What’s the best piece of advice you can give me just starting my marriage?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” he replied. “Pray with your wife every day.”

I said, “That’s it? Pray with your wife?”

“That’s it.”

So I went home and Barbara and I started praying together. It worked really well for a couple of months … until the night we went to bed facing opposite walls. Although it wasn’t the most comfortable position physically, it expressed where we were spiritually and emotionally.

There seemed to be a tap on my shoulder that night and it wasn’t Barbara. God was speaking to me in my conscience saying, “Hey, Rainey! Aren’t you going to pray with her tonight?”

I said, “I don’t like her tonight!” God said, “Yes, but you made the commitment to pray every day with your wife.”

I faced a hard decision. Not praying would make me feel better but this was about more than satisfying myself. So I swallowed my pride, turned to Barbara, and said, “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?”

We’ve both gone to bed angry or hurt which led to late conversations until we resolved our impasse and then prayed. Sometimes we’ve agreed to table the discussion until the morning so we could pray and get some rest. Over 50 years we have learned we are two strong-willed, stubborn and at times rebellious people who continue to choose to surrender to God together every day in prayer.

This has saved and transformed our relationship. Inviting Him to keep changing our lives, our marriage, and our family has been a cornerstone of our 50 years of marriage.

Lesson #3: God’s pattern for marriage gave us security: leave, cleave, and receive.

Because we were serious about doing our marriage according to God’s patterns, we were intentional, sometimes to a fault in our youthful zeal, about three truths found in Genesis 2:24. That Scripture says: “Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave (hold fast) to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

With these words, God led us to make our relationship a priority over all other relationships except ours with Him.

Leave: We shifted our loyalties from our parents to one another. We chose not to depend on Mom or Dad for emotional or financial support, but only on one another.Cleave: This word implies togetherness, keeping our covenantal promises, choosing to “stick like glue.” We learned to prefer one another, to involve each other in every aspect of our lives which resulted in growth in our unity.Receive: “Becoming one flesh” is what happens when we leave and cleave. But becoming one is so much more than physical. This idea, oneness, became a central theme to our marriage. It is what happens when we both receive and yield to God’s will and purposes in our lives over a lifetime. Continuing to welcome your spouse into your life yields a beautiful outcome.

We have carefully guarded these three values God built into His marriage design even as we’ve made mistakes along the way. But as we return to Him and His patterns we’ve found increasing oneness and delight in our relationship.

At our first home in Boulder, CO

Lesson #4: Build your marriage from the same set of biblical blueprints.

What would our physical home look like if we had two different architects, two different sets of blueprints, and two different builders? We’d be living in a very strange and probably unsafe structure.

We learned the same would happen in our marriage if we weren’t building from the same plans. God’s plans. Building our marriage together from the same plans grows oneness. Loyalty to God’s ways over our own designs helps solve disputes over how to do our marriage.

As a result of sharing these biblical blueprints with others at Weekend to Remember marriage events for decades we learned to be more intentional in our own marriage. If you want to build from the same biblical blueprints for marriage, Barbara and I would encourage you to go to Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways. It’s the best marriage insurance you could ever buy. We promise. We spent most of our adult lives helping to create it!

I hope these three lessons have been good reminders or new ideas you might want to add to your marriage recipe! It’s a relationship that never surpasses the need to grow and be refreshed. Oh, that’s another lesson …

Till next week …

Love this snippet from the Rainey’s new book, Our Story? Get your copy here!

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