Barbara Rainey's Blog, page 8

What Wives Need to Know About Their Husband’s Porn Use

Note from Barbara: I’m pleased beyond words to welcome my son, Samuel Rainey, to the Ever Thine Home blog page. I could write thousands of words about this man whom God has gifted uniquely to help men and women traverse choppy or turbulent waters in their marriages and lives. As a marriage and family therapist for 15+ years he has learned much in his practice of listening and listening and listening. A great counselor helps the seeking one find truth, discover the path, and see with understanding on their own so that it sticks for life. Samuel is a man of deep wisdom.

Today’s post topic is a sad reality for many marriages today. If it’s not for yours or your own life, read it anyway because you do know someone for whom this is a deeply challenging struggle. We need one another to please share this sensitively and compassionately with those you know. We are stronger resisting the evil one when we aren’t alone.

It’s a delight and a gift to share Samuel with all of you.

This is my favorite picture of Samuel and me that sits on my desk.

Several years ago, I got a call from a man who was in a mild panic after his wife caught him looking at pornography. A few months into our work together, Jim asked me if I’d be willing to meet with him and his wife, Sarah, together. He told me that Sarah was struggling to understand why he’d been using porn for so long, and what she needed to do about it.

After I met with the couple, it became clear to me that there is a huge misunderstanding about porn usage as it relates to the wife. The majority of women who come into my office really struggle to understand porn. More importantly, they struggle to know what they can do to help.

I often hear wives ask questions like: “Do we need to have more sex?” or, “Why am I not enough?” or, “Why can’t he stop for me?” Sarah was asking some of these same questions. Here are the four things I told her that wives need to know about their husband’s porn use:

1. It’s not about you.

A common belief is that husbands wouldn’t use porn if their wives were more beautiful or more available for sex. But porn is almost always something that is brought into marriage. I can only think of a few stories over the past 15 years of working with couples when porn use started after marriage. Because porn is a “pre-existing condition,” it really doesn’t have anything to do with the wife “being good, sexual, or beautiful enough.”

Genesis tells the story of God creating man and woman in His image (Genesis 1:27). Porn distorts this truth. It perverts the dignity of both men and women. A man’s use of porn is between he and God, not a statement about you or your dignity.

Evil wants to convince men and women that we are sexual objects, not sexual beings. If we are sexual objects, then sex can become a commodity to be marketed and sold. It is becoming increasingly difficult for men to develop a God-created view of human sexuality.

When you make his porn use about you, you put yourself in the middle of the problem. And if you’re in the middle of the problem, then it is up to you to solve it for him. Many women unknowingly insert themselves between their husband and God in dealing with recovery from porn. Don’t do this. Don’t make it about you. Your husband has his own sexual recovery process that will involve you, but it is not about you.

2. Porn use is about shame.

Sarah was having a difficult time understanding why her husband, Jim, couldn’t stop his porn usage. Nearly 15 years into their marriage and he admitted to looking at it once or twice a month. She thought he should be able to stop because “it’s not what godly men are supposed to do.” Here’s what she was missing. Jim had a long, complicated relationship with porn that started when he was 10 after his dad left the family.

His porn use had very little to do with “being a godly man” and had way more to do with an unreconciled trauma that occurred in his childhood. Every man has a story that answers the question “Why am I using porn?” And every story will have shame at the center.

Shame is the feeling that says, “Something is wrong with me, and I need to get away from this.” After Adam and Eve sinned, they recognized their nakedness and hid from God (Genesis 3:7-8). What an awful feeling that must have been! They sewed fig leaves together to hide their nakedness, first from themselves and then from God.

Porn is a form of fig leaves for a man. It’s a poor attempt at hiding a God-sized problem. It temporarily hides the painful truth that he’s naked. It hides his vulnerability and the reasons that he is in pain. For a few brief moments, his shame disappears amidst the pleasureful fantasies taking place on the screen, or on the pages.

Your husband’s porn use is an indicator that he is in a tremendous amount of pain, and needs some form of relief. Depending on his story, he might not emotionally know another way to relieve that pain outside of looking at porn. This is no way excusing his behavior. Paul speaks directly to this in Romans 6:1: “Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound?” What I am suggesting is that he has enough pain and shame on his own to deal with. He doesn’t need more from you.

Shame doesn’t last very long in an environment with grace and empathy. God doesn’t turn his back on Adam and Eve when he finds them hiding in the garden. He doesn’t shake his head with disdain. He doesn’t lecture them. He doesn’t imply that they should have acted differently because they knew better. What does He do instead? He sacrifices an animal to clothe them (Genesis 3:21). And then He protects them by disallowing their ability to live forever by eating from the tree of life (Genesis 3:22). When we fail God, He returns grace, mercy, and love. This is the invitation for wives as well.

But here’s the problem: Wives often can’t give the gift of grace and empathy to their husbands because of their own stories. Without doing her own work of healing, she will not be able to offer empathy. She will resort to her own coping mechanisms and will likely make his porn use about her.

So tend first to your own story. Engage in your own healing work so you can know how to be in relationship with your husband without enabling, or shaming him.

3. Having more sex can cause more harm.

This is a delicate topic as withholding sex can be harmful just as the use of porn is. Some errant advice given to wives of porn addicts is that they need to make themselves more sexually available. The not-so-subtle hint here is that more sex is the secret to keeping the husband from acting out with porn.

In short, this is awful advice. It invites the fantasy life of porn into the marriage bed, and says that the wife’s lack of sexual availability is the problem. If someone gives you this advice, run away. God came looking for Adam first after sin entered the world. He did not ask Eve to account for her actions as reason for Adam’s sin. His sin is his sin. Your sexual story is influencing your husband’s, but it is not the reason for his choices.

Women do not need to be more sexual for their husband to keep him from fulfilling his needs elsewhere. This is enabling behavior. It makes the wife responsible for the husband’s sexual maturity. Most would not want an affair partner in their marriage bed with them, but this is exactly what the advice to “become more sexual for him” is doing. It brings a fractured sense of intimacy into a sacred space meant to be shared only between husband and wife.

There needs to be hard work and conversations about the harm that porn has caused in a relationship before sex can be trusted as an expression of love and commitment. Sex without love and commitment is a form of power and control. This comes closer to using each other for pleasure as opposed to loving each other with pleasure.

This does not mean that couples need to stop having sex altogether if porn is present. Do not limit sex as a form of punishment or control, and do not give in to having more sex just to make things better. If you find yourself struggling to know the balance here, seek professional help to establish healthy boundaries.

4. Porn use is cheating on your spouse .

Though men are resistant in accepting this, porn use is just like having an affair with another woman. It is taking the most trusted and vulnerable act that a couple can share together, and expressing it elsewhere. Yes, it’s kind of a “one-way” relationship as the images provide no relational feedback, but it is still taking the sexual embrace outside of the marriage bed. Most of the men I talk to initially resist the label of porn as an affair. I think this mainly relates back to point two and the shame they feel.

Jesus says in Matthew 5:27-28 that a man looking lustfully at a woman has already committed adultery in his heart. Porn takes this a step further and moves it from just an issue with the heart to becoming an issue with the body. There is a spectrum of pain and ease of recovery that couples face when an affair enters the picture. Affairs of the heart (emotional connection, attachment, infatuation) are always the most painful and difficult to recover from. Affairs of the body (sexual contact, fantasy-induced orgasm, “solo sex”) tend to be simpler and easier to understand. Affairs of the mind (fantasy, lust, escape) afflict us all.

Porn use is an affair of the mind and body. Instead of working out the issues of the relationship in the context of the relationship, fulfillment of sexual needs and desires are engaged outside the marriage. One of the more difficult realities of porn use is that sex between a husband and wife now includes the images, videos, sounds, and sexual impulses experienced when previously viewing porn.

Lastly, don’t wait to seek help. It’s been my experience that couples wait 4-6 months too long to seek help for the problems they are unable to resolve on their own. Don’t go at this alone.

Get help even if your husband won’t. It’s not an easy topic to address, but it’s not impossible to heal from. Be patient, take your time, and work hard to find a path forward towards wholeness, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

The post What Wives Need to Know About Their Husband’s Porn Use appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

4 Tips for Recovering Oneness in Your Marriage

It was a warm, early summer day when Dennis invited me to go to lunch. We’d known each other as friends for three years in college. But we hadn’t seen each other in a year since graduation, so we had a lot to catch up on.

One lunch wasn’t nearly long enough. So he invited me to go on a picnic the next day. And a picnic still wasn’t enough. On the way back to my apartment, he asked me to go to church with him the next day.

And so began a month of daily dialogue, sharing rides to work, dinners, and walks after dinner. The talking never ran dry. He listened to me as it seemed no one ever had. I felt comfortable with him like no one else. Our relationship was easy and natural.

Within two months, this long conversation led to a decision to get married … a conclusion we both reached after praying for God to show us His will for our lives. And six weeks after that we were husband and wife.

But like every married couple since Adam and Eve, we found ourselves in places where our relationship no longer felt so easy and natural. The romance and joy of our early marriage was replaced by discomfort, disagreement, and difficulty we never saw coming. The springlike oneness that was so real when we married dissipated like dew under the midsummer sun.

How do we move from the excitement of the “I do’s” in our wedding vows to a determined, expectant and equally excited conviction of “We still do”?

According to a dictionary, oneness is the “state of being unified or whole, though comprised of two or more parts.” I like another definition better: oneness is an invisible, transcendent quality of peaceful harmony.

Why is this definition helpful? Because it is what God intends for you. Experienced perfectly by the Trinity, it is also what Jesus prayed for us (John 17:11). And we surely need His prayers—we married couples are not just imperfect but also incapable of achieving the oneness we desire without His work in our lives.

It’s not impossible to recover oneness in our relationship. After all, we’ve experienced oneness before. The answer is going to Him, the source of what we need.

Ask God to reveal the truth. A heart examination is the first place to start. And not your spouse’s heart. Examine your own. It is the special work of the devil to divide us and make us see our spouse as the enemy. Jesus called Satan the father of lies, so start by asking questions like:What lies am I listening to? What lies am I believing?Am I assuming the worst about my spouse?In what ways have I contributed to our problems?Have I acknowledged my mistakes or have I acted as if everything is his or her fault?

It’s often difficult to recognize the mistakes you’ve made in your marriage. Begin by praying for eyes to see what is in your own heart.

Ask God what has come between you if you aren’t sure. He who knows all wants you to know what is happening in your relationship. His greatest desire is always reconciliation and restoration.  Ask God to guide you to have an honest, authentic conversation with your spouse. All couples have relational habits built over months and over decades. For example, for many years I told Dennis that I didn’t love going with him on ministry/business trips. They were challenging for me as a mom, and my more introverted personality didn’t enjoy small talk and networking with strangers.

But one day I realized I should be grateful that my husband wanted me to go with him. Then I knew I needed to have a conversation with God first. I asked God to help me be positive and not negative about my husband’s desire. I asked God to help me enjoy this side of our relationship, to enter into these travel experiences with my husband as gifts. Of course I haven’t done this perfectly, but I am not the same person I was.

A few years ago Dennis told me he felt reluctant asking me to go on work trips with him. I knew I had changed and that he was replaying old mental tapes from the past. So I gently reminded him I was not as I once was. And he agreed. And there are old messages I hear in things he says, too, when the truth is he has changed a lot over the years.

Ask God for patience with growth in oneness.Isaiah 61:3 calls us “oaks of righteousness,” but oak trees don’t grow overnight. Christian maturity takes place over a lifetime of walking with God. You want your oneness to have the strength of an oak, not the perishable quality of a squash vine.

One conversation with your spouse will not magically restore the oneness you once enjoyed. It may require countless additional conversations. In God’s hands and timing, He will work the good you desire with increased oneness being the result.

As you work toward oneness in your marriage, begin where you are. Risk talking about the hard things with your spouse because when you work through these obstacles, the joy on the other side is so worth it. It’s what will allow you to enthusiastically say together, “We still do!”

So pray for God to grow you together. Offer this prayer as a start:

Jesus,

We married for oneness,

companionship indivisible.

Increase my vision.

May our marriage be

all that You imagined

when You brought us together.

For Your glory and our good.

Amen.

The post 4 Tips for Recovering Oneness in Your Marriage appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

Questions to Help You Share Your Story

 

Everyone has a story … a fascinating tale involving adventure, laughter, courage, pain, and romance.

You have such a story, and so does your spouse. Sometimes you just need the right questions to help you share your stories, as well as write together the intriguing saga of your shared life in marriage.

For example, how would you answer the following question:

If you could keep only one memory  from your childhood, what would it be, and why?

A question like this may unwind a long spool of memories … of trips you took as a family … of holidays with cherished loved ones who may have passed on years ago … of younger versions of your parents and your siblings … of adventures you enjoyed with childhood friends … and so much more.

And then think of answering a question like this on a date with your spouse, sharing memories you haven’t thought about for years, and then hearing his or her own answer.

Questions like this are not just a tool for better communication. If you capture your answers in writing they can also help create a lasting record of your relationship and your family. They can guide you to deeper transparency with each other just as Adam and Eve were completely open and honest before the Fall. Uncovered both physically and emotionally, these original lovers shared a perfect intimate relationship.

In our fallen world, finding such transparency is a struggle. But what enjoyable work–sharing in the unfolding plot of a story designed uniquely by God for just the two of you!

To encourage and help you take this path toward openness in your marriage, Dennis and I wrote 52 questions that are available to you in a very short weekly email. You can receive these emails free by clicking here.

Here are a few ideas to get the most from each question:

Remember to consider the right setting. We suggest you establish a personal, private, and special meeting place, and agree on a morning or evening sharing-time together. Some suggestions:Talk over a cup of hot tea or coffee at home.Meet somewhere for a lunch date, with plenty of time to go over a question or two.Set aside some time at night after the kids go to bed.Go out on a weekly date night.Get away for a weekend and talk. Write down your answers and date them in a journal. You’ll find that your answers will become more important to you as the years go by. And you’ll answer them differently next year or in five years.Write down the words that your spouse uses frequently to describe feelings.Take turns writing – the husband recording his wife’s responses and vice versa.Write down additional questions that come to mind during your time together. Remember to listen. Look each other in the eye as you share and talk together.Listen … and seek above all else to understand your spouse.Listen … and rephrase your spouse’s answers when appropriate.Listen … and don’t retreat when it feels uncomfortable. Share what’s really important.Listen … and try not to defend yourself if the conversation becomes uncomfortable. Remember “winning” is not the goal; understanding is.Listen … and don’t react negatively to your spouse’s answers. Instead encourage each other to share deeper feelings by asking more questions.

May you see growth over this next year of 52 weeks and may you always keep investing in each other! Your marriage will benefit. Your children will benefit. And the ripple effect of a growing marriage will spill over onto others too.

Come grow old with me!

The best is yet to be,

The last of life, 

For which the first was made.

Our times are in His hand,

Who saith, ‘A whole I planned,

Youth shows but half;

Trust God:  See all, nor be afraid.’

Robert Browning (1812-1889)

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Dear Barbara: How Can I Respond to a Husband Who Isn’t Trusting God as He Should?

Dear Barbara: How do I still respect my husband when I feel like his lack of faith negatively affected the plans God has for our family? Don’t get me wrong; my husband is a strong believer. And there’s not a big sin issue. I just feel like he isn’t believing and relying on God in several areas where we really need it.

Oh friend, I know exactly what you mean. I used to get frustrated with Dennis for not leading our family the way I thought he should. I assumed we couldn’t be a Christian family and raise kids who loved Jesus if we didn’t all sit down for a Bible lesson and prayer time regularly as a family.

At times I asked Dennis, “Why are you doing it this way?”

He would reply, “There’s more than one way to lead and teach.” I felt dismissed.

I’ve learned in the years since that my “why” questions weren’t the best way to approach him. “Why” questions put people on the defensive. It would have been better to say, “Help me understand what your goal is for our family times.”  And then ask, “How can I help?” or “How can we work together to make this happen?”

My objection wasn’t about his lack of leading, but that he wasn’t leading the way I thought he should. He was doing it the way he thought was best. In our different ways of approaching family values, decisions, and opportunities I came to realize our clashes were often about mismatched expectations.

But what if a husband is not demonstrating faith?

This is normal in marriage because God is at work growing each of us as individuals. Both of you will experience situations or seasons when it’s harder to believe God, when one of you is strong and the other is not. At times your faith strengthens or supports his, and at other times his does yours.

Give him grace, ask to understand how he feels and offer to pray for him specifically. We need each other.

There are other times when our husbands could have acted differently, responded more lovingly, been open to reaching the neighbors, or demonstrated more patience. Even though your husband might not be sinning, there are many areas where his approach to life isn’t yet refined. It might be that his way of handling conflict, relationships, money, the children—or all of the above—are skills that must be grown and developed. He’s not perfect!

When you’re learning to ride a bike, what do you do? Fall. A lot! In the same way, other more important strengths slowly develop over years, including how to be your husband.

Most husbands have never had this responsibility before. Especially with you! Remember he’s still learning. He has never been your husband at this season of life before. He has never been a dad to these kids at these ages before. He was never responsible for another person 24/7/365 until he married you.

I know you’re thinking: Being a wife is hard! Being a mother is hard. Yes, it is. Being a husband is hard, also.

Any man who is a believer in Jesus and has any sensitivity to the Holy Spirit feels a sense of responsibility. The Bible teaches men that they are to love their wives and lead them as Christ does the church. Being like Jesus is an impossible job description!

The God-given burden our husbands have for shepherding the entire family is a heavy one, whether they ever admit it or not. So start by acknowledging that your husband has a lot to live up to. He is practicing … learning how to lead and love every day in his interaction with you and your children.

When we observe his sin, or what we perceive as lack of faith, or even just his differences some days, it’s easy to forget that we are both growing into the person God wants us to be. Women don’t have it all together, either.  So rather than focus on the growing pains, remember that God isn’t finished yet.

Instead of correcting him, what if you, as his wife, choose to give thanks that your husband is trying and learning along the way? Maybe he’s in a spiritual plateau or valley.

A dear friend of mine, Susan Yates, often says, “Everyone has the potential to become who God wants that person to be if we continue to give grace and wait for God’s timing.”

Dennis said for years that the very best gift I’ve ever given him is my belief in him. As a woman I still don’t fully understand the significance of this. But I have learned that when I choose to believe in my husband, I’m really choosing to believe in God. I’m stating that I believe in God’s sovereignty to change Dennis’ life and heart.

Here’s a thought for you to ponder: My husband can’t change his own life, and your husband can’t either. Yes, he can change some of his behaviors by a decision of his will, but true life-change is a work of the heart and only God has that power.

I can’t change Dennis to get the results I want from him. And I’m glad. My changes would have produced either deformity or a robot. Neither would have been very fun! 

Will you choose to believe the work of our transformational Savior and lean into the refining process?

Here are a few ways to do this in the day to day.

Give thanks for the way God made your husband. Acknowledge that God is the creator of your man and the author of your marriage. Give thanks for the opportunity for growth even though it doesn’t feel like a wanted opportunity. Find something your husband is doing right and praise him for that. Don’t stop at just one thing. Find many things he’s doing right and tell him about them. Voice your belief in your husband. Tell him that you know he can land the job, support your family, disciple your children, love you well, etc. Be specific. Your belief in him is half the battle. Pray for your husband to respond to God’s work in obedience and pray that you can honor him through the process.

And remember: Every disappointment or clash of styles reminds us that God will continue to work in our husband to transform him into the likeness of Christ. And He is doing the same for us too, thankfully.

The post Dear Barbara: How Can I Respond to a Husband Who Isn’t Trusting God as He Should? appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

Parenting Children With Visible and Invisible Limitations

Of our two sons, one was more athletic, while the other was more scholastically inclined. The younger son’s first word was, “ball.” The older one started reading before age five. They could not be more different.

Instead of playing basketball for hours on the court Dennis built for the boys (because that’s what he did in his childhood), Samuel found a tennis racket and began hitting balls against the brick wall underneath the basket. It became clear he’d found his sport.

We enrolled him in lessons and then in competitions. By early seventh grade he was playing for the number one ranking in the state in his age division. In a tournament to determine new rankings, Samuel almost had his opponent beat, but missed one point and then on the next serve lost the match. He was disappointed, of course, but we hoped this was just the beginning. Parents dream big for their kids!

That day was indeed the beginning. But it was not the start of a dream tennis career.

A couple weeks later Samuel’s coach asked to speak to me when I picked him up after his lessons. He explained that Samuel wasn’t getting to balls he used to return with ease. “Something’s not right,” he said.

Immediately I lined up appointments for our son. The early diagnosis was unclear, so several months later we went to the Mayo Clinic, where neurologists labeled Samuel’s decreasing ability to run with the name, Charcot-Marie-Tooth, a slow deterioration of the nerves to the lower legs.

After returning home Samuel wanted to keep playing tennis and I agreed 100 percent. I designed a pair of tennis shoes with elastic support from ankle to toe to help him lift his feet so he could run and not fall as often. But six months later it was clear he would never run again.

I’ll never forget our grief and heartbreak. Dennis and I went for a walk the day the truth finally became clear to me. Five minutes into the walk I sat on a log, fell forward into a fetal position, and cried uncontrollably, with groans from a place so deep within I never knew it existed.

Learning to adjust

For the next six months or longer Dennis and I mourned. Our athletic son had lost his greatest strength. He never liked school and now it was worse. In his own grief he struggled even more in class. As our most active kid he started getting in trouble.

We knew he was mourning, but what 13-year-old knows how to process catastrophic loss? We didn’t know how to help him either. It’s impossible to prepare for something like this. So we leaned on God, prayed constantly, asked for wisdom, made mistakes, talked to those wiser and more skilled, and trusted God to use this tragedy for good in ways impossible to see in the moment.

As the months moved slowly forward we wondered how Samuel would handle high school. Would he go to college? Would he ever get married? What kind of career could he have? Would he be confined to a wheelchair one day? And most of all we wondered what God was doing and what He had planned by giving our son a real incurable life-altering physical disability.

All parents have high hopes for their children. We want life to be easy for them. We want a pain-free existence as much as is possible. We desire all these things because our children are extensions of us. “Every child is a piece of his mother’s heart walking around outside her body,” said author Jean Fleming. And it is true. Even today when my children suffer or are in pain I feel it as if it was my own.

When Samuel was diagnosed Dennis and I both longed to give him our legs. Dennis even asked if there was a transplant surgery of some kind. We would have sacrificed happily because we love our son enough to give our lives for him.

Limitations are common to all

The truth is we don’t have just one child with a limitation. Our oldest daughter is dyslexic. Our adopted daughter, though not diagnosed with a “disability,” still had her own very real obstacles through no fault of her own. Our other three have less perceptible but real limitations: bad allergies, imperfect eye-sight, teeth prone to decay, and physical limitations that prevented some of their ambitions, like becoming a volleyball star or a musician. Everyone in our family and yours is limited by relation to Adam and Eve.

My brother’s son has autism. Another nephew is on the spectrum. A dear friend’s son at 21 is living with ulcerative colitis which greatly limits his lifestyle as an otherwise healthy young man. My daughter Laura’s best friend has a son with Down Syndrome. Another friend’s daughter has three children, all diagnosed with the rare condition PANS.

Even the most intelligent among us may be geniuses or near genius but lack ordinary common sense. Like one of Dennis’s professors at Dallas Theological Seminary who had a photographic memory but forgot that he had driven his car to a speaking engagement in Houston. Afterward, he left the hotel, taxied to the airport and flew home. When he arrived he phoned his wife to come get him and she asked what he did with the car! C.S. Lewis also had a photographic memory but struggled with spelling his whole life. Go figure.

But the whole truth is that all of us are born with multiple limitations. We have no idea how much we lost in terms of intelligence, our five senses, physical and emotional abilities when Adam and Eve “fell.” All of humanity is “disabled” in some way. As I learned from my sister-in-law disabilities are really “diff-abilities” … different abilities.

The most important point of this entire post is this: None of your children or grandchildren are without disabilities. All of them have limitations, and this is good. Recognizing our own flaws and helping our children recognize theirs is an important step to acknowledging our need for a Savior.

The greatest tragedy of all is not being born with a disability or with limitations but living without knowing one’s brokenness and need for the Savior, Jesus Christ.

A single mom wrote about all that her 16-year-old son was missing since his father had died, summarizing: “Such are the children of the kingdom of God—all are missing arms or limbs, all are cracked vessels. Out of such raw material God is pleased to build His kingdom, the better to show the power is from Him.” Paul taught that we are all jars of clay, formed from dirt. All by God’s good design.

Here are six ways to embrace and give thanks for the disabilities and weaknesses God has woven into your children for their good and His glory.

Pray that your children would know they are sinners in need of Jesus.This was one of my frequent prayers for my children. I was especially concerned for my oldest and my youngest, who were both people pleasers. They didn’t rebel much or instigate sibling rivalry. I knew they could be deceived into thinking they were good on their own merit. And Satan would work to convince them of that.

Our sin nature is so quick to defend our own perceived goodness and to measure ourselves against others who appear to be inferior than we. That was my own story. My three brothers were always fighting and getting into trouble. To avoid my father’s displeasure and occasional anger I was the good girl and never did anything to rock the boat.

Though I was eager to receive Christ as a college student, it was not because I felt sinful. In my own view I was not really “wicked” or “depraved” as the Bible declared. It wasn’t until my 40s that I saw the true depth of my own depravity and was convinced even more how desperately I needed Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross for my sins.

Paul declared in Romans 3:10-12 “None is righteous, no, not one; no one seeks for God. … no one does good, not even one.” Believe it and pray your children believe it too.

Give thanks for every limitation and disability you discover and teach your children to do the same.God commands us to “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:18). Embrace God’s design. He knows what He’s doing and He has beautiful plans for your child’s life. Beware of constantly telling your children they can do anything and be anything they want.This may surprise you because it’s so common in our culture for parents to say this to their children. But it’s not wise or biblical parenting. The truth is your children can’t do or be anything they want. God has given them limitations on purpose to help guide them to His good and perfect plan and design which is always better than the “be and do anything they want” mentality.

An important part of your job as a parent is helping your children learn how to discern God’s directions for their lives. A favorite verse of mine is Ephesians 2:10, which says, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand …”

Teach them to look for His design for their lives, not to find their own way. God their Maker wants to use the talents, desires, and yes, the disabilities and limitations He has given in ways that He has planned. Teach them to work with God and how He has crafted them. Remind them, “Your hands have made and fashioned me” (Psalm 119:73). 

And pray they will not be lured by the culture into thinking they know better than God. Sadly, too many children and adults today strive in thousands of ways to be all they imagine, many with tragic results.

Teach your children and grandchildren that no one is perfect except Jesus.It’s another trap of our present culture to strive for perfection in our looks, our image, our identity, our jobs, our families, and more. The pressure is killing people. Literally.

The sooner we acknowledge we are fallen and will never find perfection on our own, the sooner we will release the pressure and turn to Jesus. “There is salvation in no one else …” Peter declared in Acts 4:12.

Remember God delights to show His power and glory.John 9 tells an amazing story. Jesus passed by a man born blind and the disciples asked whose fault it was, supposing there was a logical human explanation. But Jesus replied, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him” (John 9:3). Jesus then healed this man and all who saw glorified and worshipped Him.

So too in our lives God has plans and purposes that will reveal His miraculous power and care for us that we might glorify and worship Him.

Through our own children and from watching others with disabilities, I’ve learned that the pains and losses from these “gifts” that we would change or wish away are the very things God wants to use to purify, strengthen, and mold our kids into His image.

I pray this will encourage all you moms and dads who like we did want so much for your kids. It’s good that you do but keep your expectations always in surrender to God’s greater plan.

And I hope you will pass this on to someone you know who is discouraged because their child isn’t the star player or pupil but instead has been given more ordinary abilities and plenty of limitations.  Or maybe you know someone has has a child who has been given a diagnosis.

God knows what He’s doing. He never makes mistakes.

The next session of Cultivating Hope in Times of Hardship and Disappointment drops tomorrow. If you haven’t yet watched session one you can watch it here. If you enjoyed session one you can watch the remaining four by clicking here to subscribe to Barbara’s Friends & Family content created especially for paid subscribers. This bible study is just the first of other new content we have planned for this year.

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Disappointment Is Universal: Even the 12 Disciples Were Disappointed in Jesus

At the end of a very full day teaching a huge crowd of people by the Sea of Galilee, Jesus said to His disciples, “Let us go across to the other side” (Mark 4:35). It was evening … I can imagine the setting sun creating an ever-evolving landscape painting in the sky as wave lengths touched the edges of clouds with gold, magenta, and orange. Did the disciples notice the beauty? Or were they focused on the task at hand—taking the Master to the other side as He requested before those gathering clouds brought trouble?

Once in the boat the disciples took up their rowing positions while Jesus wrapped Himself in His coat or a blanket and curled up on a cushion in the stern of the boat. Soon His eyes closed for a much-needed nap. We forget Jesus was fully human. He needed restorative sleep like all of us and why not be rocked to sleep by the gentle repetitive motion of lapping waves moving the boat up and down rhythmically?

But soon the once brightly painted clouds turned dark. They were building and advancing. Too quickly they blocked the early stars and blackened the sky more rapidly than the disciples expected or wanted. The wind rose and whipped up enormous waves that began to wash volumes of water into the boat.

The disciples’ skill in sailing and their survival instincts took over. Adrenalin fueled their practiced motions and decisions. Their bodies worked hard to keep the boat steady and straight. As the storm continued unabated I imagine they began shouting to one another over the roar of the wind, forcing their muscles to keep moving, fatigue growing on pace with the panic rising in their hearts. Surprisingly to them, and to us readers, Jesus continued to sleep like a baby. Totally unaware.

And so it seems in my life today.

When I’m in hard places, His silence feels as if He’s asleep in the middle of my storm, totally unaware of what’s happening to me. He’s in the boat with me … I too often forget that He always is … but in each crisis I still feel very alone. There is a Psalm which the disciples probably heard in synagogue, but didn’t remember in that moment: “ … he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep” (Psalm 121:3-4).

Jesus human body was sleeping, but His deity was fully awake.

But of course the disciples didn’t yet know this about Jesus. Initially, it seems, the disciples intended to let Him sleep. They had this under control. They’d managed other storms before. But when the boat began filling dangerously with water and Jesus continued to sleep obliviously they woke Him. Instead of asking for His help, what came out of their mouths were bold charges of blame: “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” (Mark 4:38).

I believe one of the many reasons God recorded this story is because the disciples’ words are ours. The crux of our disappointment with God is our false belief that He doesn’t care. And that makes us angry. As Bethany Barnard wrote in one of her songs, “Who else am I supposed to be angry at? Who else is there to blame?”

As I read this story from my present safety and peace, I see arrogance in the disciples’ hearts. I mean, it was the real Jesus in their boat! Is that how they should talk to the King of Kings?

But the disciples in their terror projected their panic on Jesus, God incarnate-with-them in that frightening moment. Though this was early in Jesus’ ministry, still they had seen healings and demons cast out, and they’d heard His teachings. But in their fear and panic they demanded an accounting for His incorrectly perceived lack of care. And I would have done the same.

Startlingly Jesus did not rebuke their blaming accusations of Him. Nor did He defend Himself and His actions. He didn’t say as He could have, “Don’t you know that I love you and care for you?”

Instead He calmed the storm and then helps them see what He sees: “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” Jesus was completely unaffected by the raging storm.

Jesus saw hearts filled with fear instead of faith. Don’t miss this. What did Jesus focus on? He focused on their faith … and that is so often the case when are troubled and disappointed with Him. Our disappointment exposes our lack of faith in who He is.

What do you think about Jesus after reading this story?

Have you been in hard, dangerous, frightening places and it seemed Jesus was asleep?

If you had been in that boat, would you have felt the same as the disciples? Would you have blamed Jesus for the disaster you are currently in?

Have you been in a situation where you felt like you were doing all the work and He was just watching?

Today we are releasing a new online video study titled, Cultivating Hope In Times of Hardship and Disappointment. This series, with five video messages and a free downloadable workbook, is a compilation of many of the lessons I’ve learned in my 50 years of following Jesus as His disciple.

In this study I explore:

The story from John 11 of Mary and Martha and their disappointment with Jesus after the death of their brother Lazarus.8 ways to nurture faith and hope in the dark times of life.Keeping hope alive.

If you are curious to learn more I’d love for you to watch the video series and learn more about cultivating hope when you’re going through hardships and are disappointed in God. It’s available now!

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Disappointments Come In All Sizes

Six weeks before the big day, my daughter Laura began searching for the perfect invitations. After making her choice and addressing the envelopes, the invitations were on their way to friends and family, scheduled to arrive the requisite one month ahead.

Then she began planning the details: searching for and finding the just-right plates and napkins; ordering a cake and matching iced cookies from her friend; buying balloons, party favors and other little fun touches.

Baby Emma Cate was about to arrive at her first birthday.

First birthdays are always an important occasion for the parents. But this one was especially so because Emma Cate was a Covid-baby, born during lockdowns and masks and greeted upon her arrival with waves, kisses and tears of joy through hospital room windows—no visitors allowed!

Dennis and I were looking forward to this happy first birthday. We were going a few days early to help with preparations and to enjoy a long weekend with Laura, Josh, Lincoln and Emma Cate. But on Tuesday morning Dennis learned he had tested positive for Covid. Even though he was vaccinated.

We began calculating dates of potential exposure, hoping we still might be able to arrive in time for the party on Saturday.

On Wednesday big brother Lincoln woke up with a fever. Better by afternoon, but worse overnight. On Thursday the pediatrician diagnosed him with the highly contagious hand-foot-mouth disease. And that afternoon the birthday girl started running a fever; on Friday she was miserable. She wouldn’t eat, she cried and whimpered, and she needed to be held all day long.

The cake and cookies arrived as planned but Laura had to cancel the party. It seemed Emma Cate’s first birthday would be reminiscent of her birth day with only drive-by waves and congratulatory wishes by text.

I texted Laura a lot that week. Though I tried to encourage her it was a week of interruptions, disappointments, adjustments, and repeated surrenders to the ways of a sovereign God who cannot be comprehended. All of us were discouraged by the barrage of setbacks to our plans full of hope and excitement.

On Friday I texted: “I’m so sad we can’t come. Another disappointment in God moment for us.”

And then I typed a thought I’d never had before: “I wonder if God gets tired of His children being disappointed in Him all the time when everything He does for us as our Father is in love. I would.”

In the grand scope of the story God is writing with our lives, a cancelled birthday party is a very small thing. But in that moment of our lives, and in the greater context of the life-altering world-wide pandemic, it was not only sad but bewildering and perplexing.

Why was I disappointed?

The root word of disappoint is appoint or appointment. We’d all marked our calendars, appointing this weekend for the celebration of Emma Cate’s first birthday. Disappoint therefore means a cancelled appointment or more fitting for our emotions we were all disinvited by a virus. And we weren’t happy about it.

Being uninvited or cancelled is always disappointing. But it’s much more than that; it’s the God factor that makes hard circumstances sometimes much more painful and it was true with the birthday party.

My Father in heaven loves me and knows me perfectly. He knew how important it was for us to be at the birthday party. I felt I needed a dose of those two little ones who bring so much joy and delight. They are like vitamins for my soul. God loves Laura too and He was fully aware how much she was looking forward to celebrating the life He had given in baby Emma Cate.

As a Christian I have come to know a few things are true about God. First, He is all powerful; as Jeremiah 32:17 tells us: “Nothing is too hard for You.” Even the simple healing of a virus.

Second, He has promised “no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly” (Psalm 84:11). This birthday celebration seemed a good thing to me, so why withhold it?

Third, I know God leads and guides His children. Isaiah 58:11 says, “And the Lord will guide you continually …” If I were God I would have guided us and my grandchildren away from those germs for the delight of giving Emma Cate’s mom and dad a wonderful celebration of her first year of life.

And yet … God didn’t act as I wanted Him to.

And often that is the root of my disappointment in God. This has been a theme in much of my life through experiences much more weighty than a missed birthday party. I believe in God and believe in who He says He is, but I am human and can’t comprehend who He is or why He does what He does. So I find myself disappointed when my knowledge of His Scripture indicates that He should or could act a certain way but He doesn’t.

I don’t understand. But neither do I blame Him. I just wish He had intervened.

What about you?

Have you wanted to blame God for things He could have easily prevented or fixed?

Have you lived with long-term disappointment?

Do you want to learn more about why God allows disappointments in our lives?

Last year I spoke to women at my church on this topic, and we recorded the messages. On January 16 we will release a new online video study titled, Cultivating Hope in Times of Hardship and Disappointment. This series, with five video messages and a free downloadable workbook, is a compilation of many of the lessons I’ve learned in my 50 years of following Jesus as His disciple.

I’ve learned that, even in our disappointment, God is there waiting for us.  His ways are not our ways, and He has a purpose for everything He allows in our lives. I’m learning to trust Him.  This video series compiles many of the lessons I’ve learned and shows you how to cultivate hope even when life seems dark.

I hope you join me in learning more about dealing with disappointment. It will be available on January 16!

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Do You Need Hope? Have You Been Disappointed With God?

Only one week after my 13th birthday I experienced my first big disappointment with God. As the oldest child and only girl in our family of three kids, I was first shocked and then thrilled when my parents revealed my mother’s pregnancy. I had always wanted a sister and this was my chance, so I started praying. A lot.

Early one morning in late August, just before dawn, my dad came into my room and gently shook me awake. Instantly I knew the baby had come. I bolted upright in bed with anticipation and heard, “You have a new baby brother.”

Ugh. My shoulders slumped and my head banged back against the headboard. Another one?  I’d lost my opportunity to have a sister. I was so disappointed. Hadn’t God heard my prayers? Did I not ask enough?

Thankfully my disappointment was very short lived. As soon as I saw my baby brother and held him I found I was in love.

From that day to today, losses and disappointments with God have become all too familiar companions of mine in my 50-plus years of belonging to Jesus. And I can promise the same has been true for you.

L oss and hardship are inevitable and universal. We can’t escape difficulties. And that means that, at some point, we will all be disappointed in God.

But what do we do with our disappointment? Most disappointments are not resolved over-night like they were with my baby brother.

How do we find hope in the midst of our losses and hardships when disappointment feels overwhelming?

Here’s the wonderful truth:

Hope is more real than our disappointments. Hope is a Person, and His name is Jesus.He never changes while our disappointments and hardships come and go. Life is in constant flux, but He is not.

When we walk in faith, even in the midst of hard circumstances or when dealing with a painful relationship, we declare that we believe that God’s Word is true, that He is always with us and can be trusted. When we invite Him into our life situations, we are welcoming His work in our lives, we are surrendering to Him and saying no to self.

Hope is the flower of faith.

God’s Word is full of promises … including the promise of the power of His Spirit to transform us … and the promises that He will one day make all things new. With the hope that comes from faith, we can begin to see a new vision. God’s Word opens our eyes to a new way of life here and a new life to come.

On January 16 we will release a new online video study titled, Cultivating Hope in Times of Hardship and Disappointment. This series, with five video messages and a free downloadable workbook, is a compilation of many of the lessons I’ve learned in my 50 years of following Jesus as His disciple. You’ll hear:

Stories of how God had righted my expectations of Him.Stories of His invisible guidance.Stories of more hard knocks and disappointments than I ever expected.

But in all those unexpected interruptions, surprising difficulties and hardships with no answers, God was present. He was always with me, though I rarely felt it. Every experience offered me an opportunity to meet Him in my hard places. And He always waited.

If you started this new year experiencing disappointments in your life I hope this blog post will encourage you to keep trusting Him even in the midst of the uncertainty. And I hope you’ll consider joining me for the study on January 16.

God loves you and wants you to hope in Him alone.

 

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Savor the Savior This Week

Stop for a minute.

Yes, Christmas Day is now over, but don’t hurry to box up the ornaments and purge the regalia from your home! 

Recently on December 26 a national morning show featured an “expert” happily talking about packing away decorations and properly disposing of your Christmas tree. “It’s time to move on” was the message.

But I want to suggest a different message.

Before you move on from Christmas, take time to savor the hope and joy of the message, to savor the meaning of that miraculous moment in time when Christ came to live on earth.

The word savor is often associated with a fine meal and it means letting food linger on your palate so you can fully enjoy the flavors. Meditate might be an appropriate synonym for savor in the spiritual realm. Another synonym is ponder.

In liturgical churches such as Anglican, Episcopalian, Catholic and some more traditional Protestant churches, Christmas is celebrated for 12 days from December 25 through January 6. Sadly, by then most of us are weary of the perpetual commercial messages promoting shallow cheer because we’ve been inundated with seasonal merchandise and music since before Thanksgiving.

The real message and truth of this annual season is worthy to be savored. Now that the false Christmas content has ceased, it’s an opportunity for true disciples of Jesus to savor His arrival in our darkened world.

Letting the moments of remembering Christ’s birth linger allows the stupendous meaning of this pivotal event to settle more deeply in our souls. 

 So I hope you will join me in slowing down this week. Allow the true message to linger longer. Keep the Christmas music playing. Allow the lights and the sparkle to remind you for a few more days that the Light of the World has come and most importantly will come again!

Here are a few ways to savor the wonder that Jesus set aside His heavenly world and chose to become a tiny cell, to live inside Mary’s womb, to be born into our sin-ridden broken world all so He could bear the weight of our sins on the cross to set us free.

Fast from shopping and sales and as many commercial and consumerist activities as possible. Wait to do all your returns for at least a few days. The lines will be shorter if you do.Evaluate your décor and find things you can leave up for a while longer. I keep out all my bottle brush trees into January because they are more wintry than they are Christmasy.Keep twinkle lights up or find new places to use them for the month of January. Christmas lights can remind us that Jesus is the Light of the World. There is no reason to take them down yet, especially the clear or white ones because again they remind us of who Jesus is in our dark world.Play the great Christmas hymns of our faith for this entire week. Probably you haven’t heard enough of them since they are no longer played in stores or other public places as they once were. The lyrics and melody of many are biblically accurate and cement truth in our hearts with their tunes.Intentionally guide your family in a daily meditation or prayer—at a meal, bedtime or at an appointed time of your choice around the fireplace. When we choose to lead our family it gives the Spirit an opportunity to plant seeds of faith in hearts. Planning this time for a week will give space for each of you to savor the Savior. Below is a five-day series with quotes and thoughts that are all focused on Jesus as the Light of the World.

Day One

Read out loud:

The Christmas story didn’t begin with the Christ child in the manger. And it doesn’t end there either. The disciple Peter declared in his first sermon in Acts 2:23 that all of Jesus’ life and death was according to the “predetermined plan and foreknowledge of God.”

Therefore, light isn’t diminished when we put away all the Christmas lights and candles. Christmas Day is the celebration of Jesus’ birth which began His work of redeeming us from our sin so that we might know eternal life with God. Even now as He is in heaven at the right hand of God, He continues to work driving out the darkness in our hearts and making all things new as He changes lives by the power of His Spirit.

As the people of God we share His work bringing His light into this dark world. Talk about these thoughts and pray as a family for His continued work in all of your hearts.

Day Two

Read this verse out loud:

Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you. Isaiah 60:1

Pray this prayer: “Almighty God, You have poured upon us the new light of Your incarnate Word: Grant that this light, enkindled in our hearts, may shine forth in our lives; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with You, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.” (From the Book of Common Prayer)

Day Three

Read these words from Jesus out loud:

“You are the light of the world. A city situated on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:14-16

Pray this prayer: “Lord Jesus, Master of both the light and the darkness, send Your Holy Spirit upon us” as we seek to savor Your arrival as the Light of the World in our lives. “We who are anxious over many things look forward to Your coming” again one day. “We whose hearts are heavy seek the joy of Your presence.” Thank You that You are with us. Now. Here. Always. Amen.*

Day Four

Today take a little more time and look up these verses that tell us more about Jesus as the Light. As you find them read them out loud to one another.

What do these passages tell us about who Jesus is?

John 1:4 (the light of men)John 9:5 (the Light of the World)Hebrews 1:3 (the light/radiance of the face of God’s glory)Revelation 22:16 (the Bright Morning Star)Revelation 21:22-27 (the lamp light of the city)

What do the following passages tell us about who Christians are?

John 12:36 (children of light)1 Peter 2:9 (called into God’s light)Daniel 12:3 (shining lights)Romans 13:12 (to put on the armor of light)John 12:36 (to believe in the true Light)

Pray this prayer: “Glorious light and life of my soul! Continue Your sweet influence morning by morning, at dawn, and during the evening star of Your grace. Continue until, after many wintry days of my blindness, ignorance, and senseless state, You may renew me in the precious discoveries of Your love.” (A Puritan Prayer)

Day Five

Read this short quote out loud and talk about what this might mean in your life:

“The real Christmas gift is learning to hum hope, learning to dance the divine.” Joan Chittister

Pray that God will teach you to hum hope and dance every day with the divine God who is with you and never leaves you. This is how we savor the Savior in these days and all year long!

May you and yours savor the Savior a little longer this season!

*In this prayer, the sections in quotes are by Henri Nouwen.

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Jesus Is the Word

“In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

He was in the beginning with God.”

John 1:1-2

When you speak, what happens to your words after they leave your lips?

It’s easy to think they vanish as soon as they are spoken, right? Words can’t be touched. They are not solid substance that we can cling to and keep.

But it’s not that simple, is it? You know by experience that words live on. Years later … even decades later … you can remember things people told you that encouraged you, challenged you, made you happy or sad, angered you or shamed you.

And the Bible tells us that words are alive. New Testament scholar Robert H. Mounce wrote that, in the Hebrew language and understanding, “a word is not a lifeless sound; instead it is an active agent that achieves the intention of the one who speaks.”

On a grand scale, God demonstrates this in creation. Remember, how He made everything? Genesis tells us God spoke all of creation into being with His Word. He said, “Let there be,” and it was.

There is indeed power in what is spoken.

In the first chapter of the Gospel of John, God declares the Word to be not only alive but a person who has always existed and who created everything in the universe. The Word is, in fact, Jesus.

Because Jesus, the Word, was at creation with God, we know He is eternal. Thinking of Him this way—occupying eternity, possessing power to speak life into being, big enough to be present everywhere in the universe at once—makes His first advent, His coming to earth at Christmas, even more incomprehensible.

John 1:14 says, “And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us.” Our great, majestic God became tiny. He stepped down from His throne and became a single cell in the womb of Mary! The apostle Paul tells us Jesus set aside His glory, emptied Himself, and then put on the appearance of man. He clothed Himself in flesh, in a body like ours, and took a new name, Jesus.

All because of love—a love we can barely understand. This love moved God to send His Son to live with us, to feel with us, to explain His Father in heaven to us with words and actions. All so that we might live in His home one day.

Jesus said to His disciples, “Whoever has seen me has seen the Father” (John 14:9) and, “I and the Father are one” (John 10:30). Jesus, the Word, revealed the Father to us. Colossians 1:15 tells us, “He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.”

We can know the God who created everything by the Word because of the first Christmas gift: Jesus, the Messiah, born as a baby in Bethlehem.

Jesus is the ultimate gift that keeps on giving. One day soon, the Word will return to Earth, not as a baby this time, but as a warrior coming to set everything right, riding on a white horse He will proclaim judgment and make war. He will wear many crowns because He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords, and on His robe will be His title, “The Word of God” (Revelation 19:13).

This second advent, or second coming to earth, will be very different from His first advent. At His first coming the baby Jesus squeaked and cooed with cuddly newborn baby sounds. When He comes again, He will proclaim all of His authority as God. He will fulfill and complete His divine purpose on earth.

In his book, Knowledge of the Holy, A.W. Tozer wrote, “It is a sacred and indispensable part of the Christian message that the full sun-blaze of revelation came at the incarnation when the Eternal Word became flesh to dwell among us.” May you worship the newborn King with greater understanding this year. He is the Word, sent to us from God.

O Word of God Incarnate,

O Wisdom from on high,

O Truth unchanged, unchanging,

O Light of our dark sky …

From the hymn, “O Word of God Incarnate”

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