Barbara Rainey's Blog, page 10

Newly-Discovered Nuggets From God’s Word

My seminary class this semester is “The Story of Scripture,” a high-level view of the whole Bible. To make it memorable my prof, who also happens to be the president of the seminary, taught us all a rhythmic chant. He’s very musical and would have been a great cheerleader or yell leader in high school or college!

It’s very simple. We clap our hands and repeat 5-12-5-5-12. 4-1-21-1.

That’s it! Like a children’s song with hand motions that you can’t forget, this pattern of numbers is now lodged in my brain and at random times I find myself subconsciously repeating it over and over.

It means 5 books of Moses, 12 books of history, 5 books of poetry, 5 major prophets, 12 minor prophets … the major sections of the Old Testament. The New Testament is as you might have guessed: 4 gospels, 1 history of the church, 21 letters, 1 prophesy.

Even as we’ve focused on the big picture, we also are seeing, by our prof’s direction, details that are important to the whole.

Here are two up close discoveries that were new to me early in this semester. I’m sure there will be more.

Discovery #1

Most of us know the story of the tower of Babel in Genesis 11. After the flood all the people gathered in a central locale and decided to cooperate in building a tower. Sounds innocuous at first. So why was this a problem God needed to stop?

First, remember how the serpent tempted Eve? He said she could be like God (see Genesis 3:5). It was a comparison trap and she took the bait.

In Babel this same sin lived on. The people wanted to be like God, and “make ourselves a name” (Genesis 11:4).

For the first time I saw how this ancient story about Babel is relevant in our day. Everybody wants to make a name for themselves. Think social media, politics, professional sports, corporate ladder climbing. It’s so easy to get sucked into power, prestige, and finding significance in our own abilities and accomplishments. It’s why donors to colleges put their names on buildings. And on it goes.

Recently I told God I too have been sucked into this comparison/making a name temptation via social media. Even if your struggle isn’t social media, we all have this desire to be known, to be strong, to not have needs or limitations. We want to be independent and not need God. But the bottom line of the Christian life is our absolute bankruptcy and need of God. Period.

My new prayer has been, “God help me remember every day to make Your name great, not my own.”

Discovery #2

A pivotal chapter in the book of beginnings (Genesis) is chapter 12 and the story of God giving Abram three unconditional promises: descendants (which would create a nation), land, and blessing. And very interestingly He also promises Abram that He will make his name great. As Abram obeyed God and followed Him, God would make him a great nation of people and give him a great name. Greatness comes from obedience to God not from our own achievements apart from Him.

But what I’d never seen before in this story is the command God gave to Abram in verse 1: “Go forth from your country,” which Abram did; “and from your relatives.” Wait … didn’t Abram take someone with him when he left? Genesis 12:4 tells us, “Abram went forth as the Lord had spoken; and Lot (his nephew) went with him.”

So Abram didn’t follow God’s instructions precisely. So interesting.

As the story of Genesis unfolds it becomes clear that Lot created some problems for Abram. It makes me wonder what would have happened had Abram left Lot behind as God instructed?

But most interesting of all is God’s character. God’s promises to Abram in Genesis 12 were unconditional. God’s plan was to create a nation through whom He would bless the entire world. We know today that included the Messiah, Jesus, who came from Abram’s line of descendants.

Here’s the startling truth for us today: God’s unconditional promise was NOT changed by Abram’s partial obedience.

God has determined to redeem a people for Himself even a people who rebel and don’t keep their promises as He does. And that includes me and you. I find this truly head-shaking amazing!!!

Part of the final assignment for this class is a creative project of our choosing to tell our version of God’s story. It can be a song, a painting, or any other creative idea. I decided very early on to write God’s story in a poem form that I hope will be memorable. I’m going to have it designed too, because I have to make things beautiful if I can.

The rest of this post is the first section of my poem which covers the Pentateuch, the first five books of the Bible. I read a poem last winter during Lent that inspired me with its simple four-line cadence. It’s been a fun project playing with words, focusing on the richness of theology, and finding conclusions about God’s character and how I see God in every page of His inspired Word.

I haven’t totally finished this poem, but I think it’s good enough to share with you. I hope you’ll enjoy this excerpt.

 

Beginnings:

Chaos, Creation, Contest, Covenant, Commands

 

God. Spirit hovered. Word spoke

Light. Life. Kinds. Multiplied

Adam. Then Eve awoke

How the Triune God made me.

 

With beauty pure and God they dwelt

Harmony, freedom, no shame. See

sly enemy stalk. They listened, we knelt

How I too rebelled against Thee.

 

Eden lost. Sin and death aggregated

One upright imperfect man found

in the whole world deteriorated.

How God promised: a multi-colored vow.

 

Sin remained. Abram called. Leave.

Land, offspring, blessings: God’s oath

made by Covenant. By faith believe;

How I see He calls you and me both.

 

Isaac. A miracle. A type,

Foretelling the looked-for Savior.

Abraham obeyed, raised the knife

How God will one day deliver.

 

Jacob’s twelve sons, Joseph betrayed

enslaved in Egypt, with God, who’s ahead

Evil turned good, Israel is saved.

How I see my God has never misled.

 

400 years later a deliverer sent

Free the indentured generation

Ten plagues. Hard hearts. Pharaoh bent.

How God forged His promised new nation.

 

A sign. one year old, gentle and pure

To be saved by blood, keep Passover

A memorial. A lamb to prefigure,

How I too, by faith, am passed over.

 

Red Sea, supernatural escape,

The people feared. Then grumbled.

Writ with His finger two tablets of stone,

How God spoke to Moses who shone.

 

Offerings, laws, Moses did write,

Seven feasts and Sabbaths for rest

Order established to make hearts unite

How I see God’s pure holiness.

 

From Sinai to the land. Israel squandered

God’s promise. Stubbornly refused to believe.

For faithless grumbling, sentenced to wander

How God’s heart was so very grieved.

 

A sad story this faithless generation.

Still God’s grace provided manna and meat

With patience God waited till time-out was served.

How I too am parented by His pure grace.

 

40 years late, yet beginning anew

Repeat the Law. Teach children to be true.

Remember, relearn, and treasure

How God’s mercy will always pursue.

 

“Yahweh is God,” the new generation hears,

“He loves you and wants your life to be blessed!

if you obey.” You’re God’s covenant heirs.”

How I see God’s clear lines. It’s we who digress.

 

Moses, the one “God knew face to face,”

His last words were: “Fear God, love and obey

remember your God, full of power and grace.”

How tender is God. In the grave, Moses He laid.

 

Hope you enjoyed this! The Bible is alive. It’s eternal and endlessly rich in discoveries. I hope this only makes you want to know Him more! I’d love to hear from you!

Ever His!

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Cultivating Gratitude: Moving From “I Have To” to “I Get To”

Two of my grandsons worked during their summers as counselors for Pine Cove Camp in Texas. It’s a great Christian camp with a long history of investing in kids, including inner city kids, and families.

One of Pine Cove’s goals every summer is training its leaders to be grateful servants. Not begrudging unhappy servants, but the kind of servant that looks more like Jesus, who willingly gave Himself to serve that He might win people for His kingdom.

To help accomplish this goal, and to be a model for the campers, the Pine Cove directors have a motto which says: “I get to.” The implication is that the counselors’ jobs are a privilege rather than a duty or a drudgery, even the jobs that aren’t pretty ones.

Tyler and James both shared how they learned to say, “I get to wake up at 5:30 a.m. to help in the kitchen to serve the kids breakfast.” Or, “I get to do lifeguard duty tomorrow afternoon to watch over all the kids in the pool to keep them safe.”

Ashley, their mom, told me this phrase carried over when they came home. Now she’s trying to remember to correct herself when she hears herself say, “I have to go take your brother to practice.” She changes it to “I get to …”

Interestingly, literally an hour after Ashley told me this story I was seated in my hair stylist’s chair listening to her give me an update on her husband. He’s had one health issue after another, and every time I marvel at her tenacious servant spirit and his resilient determination to keep working to get well.

Cynthia told me her husband called her with a change in their plans, which meant she had to assume some tasks for him that she wasn’t planning to do. As she continued her story she said, “I realized I was sounding whinny like a child and that I wanted to be grateful instead.” She said, “I changed my words and verbally said out loud, ‘I get to’ pack his suitcase for him and ‘I get to’ find a way to the airport on my own because finally he is well enough to be working again!”

I said, “You won’t believe I just heard this same phrase from my daughter.”

She replied, “Then I guess God wants us to pay attention?” I agreed.

Being grateful is a choice. Having an attitude of “I get to” changes our perspective, helping us see our life as a privilege, our circumstances as gifts, our duties (taking children to practices or tutoring or helping our husband) as a blessing.

Both of these conversations reminded me of a conference Dennis and I were a part of decades ago. It was run by a bunch of 20-somethings who created a motto which said, “You can’t make it hard enough for me to complain.” Our goal was to be grateful for every job and responsibility because we were all working together for a higher goal. It became contagious and we enjoyed the challenge of never complaining no matter how hard things got. Competition is a good thing when channeled positively. It can be a helpful tool for moms and dads too.

As I think about gratitude in this season when we more naturally are mindful of the concept, I’m very aware it’s not just our kids who are entitled … it’s all of us. Every. Day. We all need help changing our perspectives and our habits. We need to resist the way of the world which is entitlement and live more like Jesus … as servants.

It’s not easy to change your mindset—to change from “I have to” to “I get to.” Changing our lives is a cooperative work with God Himself. Only He can truly change hearts, but I have a responsibility to remind myself what pleases Him and feed my soul the truth that liberates.

Famous composer Johann S. Bach wrote on the top of every piece of music he composed the phrase “Soli Deo Gloria,” which means glory to God alone. It was a reminder to himself to keep God the focus of his musical work.

I need visual reminders like this. And likely you and your family do too. So try writing the words “I get to” on something you will see every day: a chalkboard, a piece of paper taped on your refrigerator or mirror or steering wheel. Help your kids practice this subtle but powerful shift of perspective. I’m going to do this.

Gratitude is contagious. The more you cultivate it in your life, the more you’ll see others follow your lead!

May we who belong to Jesus look more and more like Him … a hopeful, grateful, “get to” servant hearted community!

Click here for more ideas for cultivating gratitude in your family!

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How to Face Holidays When It’s Hard to be Thankful

One spring, years ago now, Dennis and I watched other families experience all the celebratory festivities of a senior’s year in high school: proms, award nights, graduation … But our daughter, a senior that year, had decided she was done with school. At 18, she knew she was not legally bound to us anymore, so six weeks before graduation she dropped out and moved in with a friend who we barely knew.

I remember keenly the loneliness, isolation, and great sadness we felt as parents when all of our friends, many of whom we’d known since our kids were in grade school together, were all gathered happily at awards night and then at graduation. But we were home … alone. Wondering where our daughter was. Wondering if she was safe. Fear was our companion, not our friends.

I was not happy nor was I thankful. This was not what I had prayed for. This was not good for our daughter or for us.

So how do you face fast approaching holidays when your life is upside down?What do you do when you scroll through your social media feed and see stories and photos from others and their apparently perfect days and holiday preparations?When photos pop up on your phone from years ago with memories of happier days, what do you do? The reminders are painful stabs of what could have been or should have been. And it hurts.How do you live in a world that portrays fairytale perfection when yours is clearly not? How do you manage graduations, birthday parties, and holidays that should be happy when your world is filled with conflict and pain?

Heartache and change are normal. “Happily ever after” is not.

First, remember this truth: We aren’t in heaven yet. We still live on a planet broken and infected with sin and death. God tells us we are “aliens and strangers” (1 Peter 2:11) on earth looking forward to a new heaven and earth where one day all will be well.” (see Hebrews 11 and Revelation 21:5). That reality will help right size any expectation of perfection or even expected happiness here and now.

Second, avoid social media during this season. Don’t give opportunities to the enemy of your soul, the devil, to cause you to compare with others who appear to have what you don’t. Instead of scrolling through images, scroll through your Bible. Do a word search on gratitude or thanksgiving or heaven to remind yourself of what is lasting. Feed your soul with eternal truth. Don’t put the junk food of social media into your heart.

Third, give thanks.  I can’t tell you how many times I didn’t feel like giving thanks, forgiving, or showing grace. But it is an imperative, a bedrock essential of belonging to our Father in heaven as His child. When I choose to give thanks for my circumstances by faith I am reminding myself of several things:

God is in control. My friend Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth wrote in her new book that I highly recommend, Heaven Rules, “ … He is sovereign over everything that touches us … He is ruler over every diagnosis and prognosis, over all incomes and outcomes, over the most daunting challenges as well as the most seemingly trivial details of our lives.” God is in control is not a trite statement. It is the truth.He has a plan and is working it. John Piper said at a conference I attended some years ago, “God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you may be aware of three of them.” We always only see the current minutes and hours, while God sees every tomorrow and is always working good for those who love Him. And it’s good to remember His plan for me will never look like His plan for you or anyone else. Stop comparing!He can be trusted at all times. In spite of what we see and can’t see remember God sees all and is ahead of us in every circumstance. He is never surprised by those things which surprise us.

In God’s realm, giving thanks isn’t optional. It’s not okay to forego gratitude. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us, “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” In every situation and circumstance, good or bad, God commands us to give Him thanks.

Thanking Him is an acknowledgement of His authority. It also realigns our thinking and our faith with what is true. Romans 8:28 tells us, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

It’s likely that the working of good God intends won’t be in our timing, meaning it won’t come nearly as fast as we’d like. The change we desire might not even happen at all.

But the outcome isn’t the point. It’s all about our hearts. Believing in Him by faith is what He desires. As 1 Samuel 16:7 says, “For the Lord sees not as man sees; man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

With Thanksgiving approaching, if the holiday feels all wrong may I encourage you to start today giving thanks for what He has allowed in your world?

Do this every day. Write a list of ways He is blessing you even when times are dark. It is good and biblical to share your hurt and pain and losses with God. He wants to hear you express it. But it’s equally important that you thank Him for all that is good.

I’ve been challenged recently to make sure my list of gratitude outweighs my list of complaints. The best way to do that is write your gratitude out in a journal or on a list on your phone. Numbers have a way of measuring objectively when our hearts are not!

God has a plan and will show you the way, but the first step to finding peace and rest in the turmoil of the now is to give thanks. Giving thanks clears the clutter in our hearts.

May you open the door to His presence by giving Him your thanksgiving.

May you experience the relief that giving thanks can bring.

May you know the peace of His presence with you in this season when it seems that everyone is happy but you.

May you trust God as never before.

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The Barbara Rainey Podcast: The Importance of Gratitude

If you have been around children, I’m sure you have seen they can be selfish creatures! I vividly remember one day when my daughter Ashley called and said “Mom, I’ve figured out what my problem is.”  

I said, “Okay?”  

She said, “It is Daniel!”  

I laughed—Daniel was her 14-month-old at the time and, long story short, the reason Daniel was her problem is because he was born selfish. He wants what he wants, when he wants it. It is our job, as parents, to train our children to be grateful.  They are not born naturally grateful, and neither are we.

Being grateful is a learned behavior that we have to teach our children, and ourselves! On today’s episode of The Barbara Rainey Podcast, I talk about some things I did with my kids over the years to help teach them why we need to be grateful and content with what we have rather than always wanting more. 

From reading to my kids about the Pilgrims coming to America on the Mayflower to having them memorize Scripture, I tried to instill an attitude of contentment in our house from an early age. I hope you will take a little time out of your day to listen to this episode. I pray you are encouraged by what you hear and perhaps try some of these activities in your house with your family! You can listen here or on any major podcast platform.

Ever His,

Barbara

P.S. If you know someone who might enjoy listening to this podcast, please forward and share. It’s free to anyone to listen. 

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The Key to Raising Grateful Kids

One of the great privileges of my life has been visiting orphanages in places like Russia, China, and South Africa. Taking our children to see those little ones who had no parents, no room of their own, no toys or clothes of their own, was life changing. Through these many experiences we learned that those who have little are often much more grateful than those of us who have much.

Gratitude is not natural. It is an attitude that must be taught and nurtured. And it is a task more difficult for parents in the West because of our abundance and prosperity.

There is a story in the Bible that for many is hard to understand. After God freed the Israelites from slavery in Egypt … after He miraculously parted the Red Sea to save them from the Egyptian army and led them through the wilderness and provided manna for food every day … they came to the land of Canaan. God had promised them this land. When the scouting party of 12 went to spy out the land they discovered the produce of the land was exceptionally large and bountiful. Good news! But these men also saw it was occupied by a strong people. The men reported bad news.

The response of the population was fear voiced in grumbling and complaining to God. “Would that we had died in the land of Egypt!” they cried. “Or would that we had died in this wilderness! Why is the Lord bringing us into this land, to fall by the sword?” (Numbers 14:2-3).

Ten of the men and the people all responded with no faith in God and His promises. Instead they complained and griped and moaned and—possibly like your children–frowned and stomped their feet. For their ingratitude and lack of faith, God punished the Israelites—they wandered in the desert for another 40 years.

In the same way as a parent, I hated it when my children complained about what they had to eat or what they weren’t allowed to wear that everyone else could wear or what they couldn’t have. After all, didn’t they know we were trying to do our best in raising them?

We gave our kids penalties for complaining and had them memorize Bible verses in hopes that they would get the point. But we never were as radical in our discipline as God was with His children. I might have banished my children to their rooms for 30 minutes for complaining, but to be banished to a desert for 40 years seems a bit over the top!

Why did God make such a big deal about only a bad attitude?

Because it wasn’t just a bad attitude. God knew the issue was ungrateful hearts which were being fed from a heart of unbelief. Ingratitude is really a sign of a proud heart, a heart of rebellion, a heart that says to God, “I don’t believe Your promise that You’d give us the land.”

A grateful heart, on the other hand, is a heart of faith—a heart that trusts in God who loves and keeps His promises no matter what the circumstance might look like to us.

Because all of us are born selfish, it is every parent’s job to train their children’s hearts to be grateful. It’s not an easy task, but it’s a worthy one, for a child with a thankful heart is a delight to parents and to others. And I’m quite sure our Father in heaven smiles as well on your child and on you for a job well done.

But to tell the truth, my kids aren’t the only ones in our family who have a problem with ungratefulness and complaining. Unfortunately, I have to wonder how much of it they caught from their mother. It’s not something you’d see unless maybe you lived with me. But I’m sure that you’d see my problem if you saw my heart.

So if I’m going to have grateful children, I have to commit to being a grateful mother.

Here are a few practical ways to begin modeling gratitude for your family.

Talk out loud and frequently about things for which you’re thankful—big and small.

Model gratitude. Let your kids see you thanking waitresses, cleaning staff, Sunday school teachers, and anyone else who helps or serves you.

Prompt them quietly to thank people who help them. Make thank-you notes written by your children and sent in the mail a normal project in your home. Include people like pastors and your children’s ministry leaders as well as grandparents and other family members.

Thank your children for their help around the house, their kindness to siblings, for exhibiting a good attitude, and any other small things you notice throughout the day. As a family, memorize Scripture that sets your hearts and minds on thankfulness. Try 1 Thessalonians 5:18 to start: “Give thanks in all things.” Remember all things means all things. Good and not so good. Thanking God helps us remember His already knows the hard things and what is ahead. Thanking Him is a way to strengthen your own faith.

No matter your age, to cultivate gratitude you’ve got to step out of what you normally do, which is thinking about yourself. Set aside your natural bent toward selfishness and focus on others because that is the essence of thanksgiving and gratitude.

Ultimately for us as believers it’s directing our thanksgiving and our gratitude toward the source of everything that we enjoy in life, which is God Himself. Teaching our children to do this will prepare them to live a grateful life of worship.

May we who know Christ be known as a grateful joyful people whose trust rests in Him and not in ourselves or our circumstances.

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When You Feel Out of Sync Spiritually with Your Husband

This is the final post in a series taken from my book, Letters to My Daughters. The book is based on questions about marriage I gathered from my four daughters, my two “grafted in” daughters who married my sons, and many of their friends, and it’s dedicated to all of them by name. It was a very satisfying book to work on, both in the content and in the creative graphics.

This book is now available in paperback, and this week’s post is an excerpt. I hope and pray this letter will help your marriage, and if you want more be sure to get the book! It makes a great gift for anyone engaged to be married. Over 60,000 copies of the hardback sold, so I’m immensely grateful to Andy McGuire at Bethany Publishing for giving it more life in the new paperback version.  

Dear Mom: I thought we were really well matched when we got married—in our faith, that is—but I’m realizing we are really different here, too. It seems like we are doing well, and then out of the blue it feels like we are out of sync, or totally missing each other. It always catches me off guard. Advice?

To my girls,

I do get how easy it is to miss one another. Still happens to us, too, from time to time. The key is to make sure you both stay securely anchored to the solid Bedrock of your lives … not unlike the enormous foundation stones underneath the ancient temple in Jerusalem or the rock supporting historic cathedrals. You need to keep your focus on your own heart and who you are becoming, and not on your husband.

Churches and cathedrals have witnessed countless weddings. I was 23 when I walked down the aisle and repeated “I do.” To myself I thought, “I can do this, and I will be the best wife ever!” Did you feel that way, too, in your gown of white?

My confidence was high. Dennis and I were committed Christ followers and not just Sunday-morning pew warmers … so matrimonial success was virtually guaranteed, right? I was sure we would build a great marriage together and that it would be relatively easy.

Okay, I know you felt that way, too! We all start out optimistic to the max. Until reality crashes in.

I guess I should have told you that building a God-honoring marriage can be precarious, even scary at times. Sorry. Maybe then I should have tried to warn you, but you wouldn’t have believed me any more than I would have believed it on my wedding day. Most work in marriage is on-the-job training. But I’ve learned it’s not impossible even when it feels that way, so be encouraged.

I know you know the right foundation for your marriage is the Rock of Christ. But it’s so much more than just believing that He exists, or knowing the creeds. It’s belonging to Him as His daughter and being all His. It’s taking Him at His word when He says He will supply all your needs or when He says to forgive, just a God in Christ has forgiven you. It’s throwing yourself on Him because you have learned you simply cannot make this marriage thing that He created actually work.

And then you do it all over again every time you feel out of sync. Sometimes it’s needed daily.

Do you remember hearing us tell the story of our first Christmas, four months after our wedding? That December your dad and I signed over everything in our lives to God. We both wrote letters to God giving Him our lives before we gave each other our first Christmas gifts. It was a way of saying, “You are first in our lives, God, and we want You to always be first.” No one witnessed this little ceremony, but we hoped He would be pleased.

It seemed simple at the time—almost unnecessary, since we’d both given our lives to

Christ years before, but in hindsight it was anything but insignificant. Given the trials and tests to come, it was pivotal. Jesus was already the foundation of our faith, but on that first Christmas in 1972 He become the foundation of our marriage.

It would be easy to disregard our little Christmas ceremony as redundant and unnecessary. Old-fashioned. Quaint. After all, God knows you believe all that already, right?

But surrender is the essence of the gospel, and sometimes an outward expression of that inward commitment makes a stronger foundation. Surrender is necessary for forgiveness as 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteous.” Surrender to God as the only One who can give you what you need for your marriage is like the thin, almost invisible lead webbing which holds all those sparkling pieces of glass in place in the windows of every cathedral.

So if you’re struggling now, do a foundation inspection. Have you surrendered to Christ—is He the foundation of your life and your marriage? Is He the one holding your life and marriage together? You might have asked Jesus into your heart when you were little, but now as a woman there are more distractions, more to lure you away from your first love. An old hymn says, “Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.”

Remember:

Surrender to Jesus is not a one-time decision, but a daily one. Sometimes it’s needed many times in one day.A beautiful marriage is not possible without a solid foundation built on the Rock of Christ.And the windows of beauty God wants to add to your marriage structure can only remain strong with the glue of surrender securely in place between each pane of colored glass.

It’s always a good time to make sure your heart is all His,

Mom

This post was adapted with permission from my book, Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife , ©2016, Bethany House Publishers. If you enjoyed reading this, you’ll find many more letters in the book about different issues that come up in marriage. 

 

 

 

 

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The Barbara Rainey Podcast: Sexual Intimacy

Two become one. This is a phrase we use and talk about often, but I’ve found it’s also a hard phrase to fully understand. It feels like “two becoming one” in marriage should happen immediately after the wedding and when it doesn’t, we become frustrated. That leads me to today’s episode of my podcast…Sex. This topic is one that I have received many questions about over the years and eventually addressed in my book Letters To My Daughters: The Art of Being A Wife. 

On today’s episode of The Barbara Rainey Podcast, Dennis and I talk about a topic that needs a lot of attention, but unfortunately gets pushed aside far too often. We talk about what it looks like to put in the hard work to actually become one and some tips to keep your marriage a priority when you may not feel like it.

You can listen here or on any major podcast platform. I hope you take some time today to listen and are encouraged to truly become one with your spouse! 

Ever His,

Barbara

 

P.S. With your gift of $30 or more today, we would love to send you a copy of the new paperback edition of my book, Letters To My Daughters. We explore all kinds of questions from my daughters, including a whole chapter on sex. There are a limited number of copies, so be sure you make your gift today!

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Avoiding Comparison When You Think Your Marriage Seems Harder than Others

This is the third in a series of posts taken from my book, Letters to My Daughters. The book is based on questions about marriage I gathered from my four daughters, my two “grafted in” daughters who married my sons, and many of their friends, and it’s dedicated to all of them by name. It was a very satisfying book to work on, both in the content and in the creative graphics.

This book is now available in paperback, and this week’s post is an excerpt. I hope and pray this letter will help your marriage, and if you want more be sure to get the book! It makes a great gift for anyone engaged to be married. Over 60,000 copies of the hardback sold, so I’m immensely grateful to Andy McGuire at Bethany Publishing for giving it more life in the new paperback version.

Dear Mom: I love my man. I’m thankful for him. But Mom, our relationship seems to be so much harder than other people’s. I just don’t understand. It’s like we are on autopilot, just going through the motions.

To my creative girls (all of you, yes, all of you!):

In the years when getting to church on time was a major event every week, I remember a family in our church that seemed to arrive peacefully, happily, and all put together. Never mind that the mother only had three kids to get ready while I had six. My perspective was that the children were adorable and always dressed beautifully, not in hand-me-downs or garage-sale finds like ours. The mom was tall and thin and always dressed attractively. You relate already, don’t you?

From my vantage point across the aisle, it seemed they never struggled with the stuff we dealt with, like learning disabilities, health issues, sibling rivalry, or ordinary marriage struggles. Because we weren’t friends, just acquaintances, I never saw behind the polished Sunday morning exterior. I knew they were as broken as we, but sometimes it was hard not to compare my known reality with what I thought was their reality. Life feels unfair any time we let our eyes view a couple’s canvas from afar.

We women all battle this temptation of comparison. Sadly, it doesn’t stop with age, but I don’t care as much as I used to, and that is a great victory!

Comparison or perspective is a principle I learned in art classes. Creating depth on a flat, one-dimensional surface necessitates mimicking what our eyes see in nature on a horizontal plane. Trees in the distance appear smaller and bluer than they actually are, so they must be painted smaller and in muted greens on the canvas. They aren’t the focal point, but part of the background.

In the same way, the family I saw from afar in our church was simply part of the background of my life. My problem was I wanted my painting, the colors God had given me to work with, to look more like theirs. Sometimes I focused too much on the women in the background around me instead of the focal point of my marriage and my family.

The Master Artist not only has a plan and a purpose for your marriage, but He has a vantage point, a perspective that you simply do not have. His view of our lives is total, knowing from beginning to end. His all-knowing mind chooses to give precisely what is needed at the right time.

Remember, He makes no mistakes. When He is busily adding layers and muted colors that don’t make sense to us, from His perspective He is adding depth and richness. I didn’t appreciate God giving us trials, but instead wanted a smooth ride and thought this other family had that kind of life.

The execution of this work of art called marriage cannot be achieved without surrendering faith, nor can it succeed if our eyes are on others instead of Him. I need to fix my eyes on Jesus.

Gazing at others invites self-criticism and discouragement. We see from afar what appears to be happy, healthy people, strong marriages, and well-behaved children … and we assume God is not working muted paint in their lives like He is in ours. Just as viewing a small painting in a museum from across the room blurs the detail and nuanced contrasts that are foundational, so does viewing other marriages and other families from a distance give a fuzzy picture.

Comparison is a subtle but debilitating temptation for both men and women, and it can lead to jealousy, anger, resentment, and even rejecting God Himself. I remember a children’s book in which a little monkey was working on a painting. He admired what the other animal artists were painting and asked for their help. Each came with his brush and added a new element to the monkey’s painting. The result was an ugly mess.

The moral of the story is the little monkey needed to paint his own vision and not try to be like everyone. God is saying, “Paint with the colors and vision I give you. Trust me.”

Remember:

Diligently reject the comparison trap.Remember God’s design for you and your marriage will be unlike any other.Give thanks and rejoice in those uniquenesses instead of resenting them.

May you have eyes to see perspective,

Mom

 

This post was adapted with permission from my book, Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife , ©2016, Bethany House Publishers. If you enjoyed reading this, you’ll find many more letters in the book about different issues that come up in marriage.

 

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Repairing the Damage from Premarital Sexual Choices

My favorite book I’ve ever written is Letters to My Daughters . I still love it because it’s a truly beautiful book with calligraphy and art throughout the interior. I also love it because it’s a summary of all the lessons I’ve learned in the married years of my life. So it’s the essence of who I am. 

The book is based on questions about marriage I gathered from my four daughters, my two “grafted in” daughters who married my sons, and many of their friends, and it’s dedicated to all of them by name, which I also love. It was a very satisfying book to work on, both in the content and in the creative graphics.

This book is now available in paperback, and this week’s post is an excerpt. I hope and pray this letter will help your marriage, and if you want more be sure to get the book! It makes a great gift for anyone engaged to be married. Over 60,000 copies of the hardback sold, so I’m immensely grateful to Andy McGuire at Bethany Publishing for giving it more life in the new paperback version.

Dear Mom: Without betraying a confidence, I need your help. There are some, ahh, issues in our intimate life stemming from past decisions. Is it just our path to deal with the repercussions of sin and know that it won’t ever be as great as if it hadn’t happened? Or is there hope for healing?

Dear girls:

First remember: there is always, always hope. Cling to that.

In the book The Secret Garden, do you remember what Mary Lennox saw when she first discovered the garden? Piles of leaves, weeds and thistles, broken branches, and rocks and bits of mortar fallen from the walls greeted her eyes. The garden was in terrible disrepair.

Yet instead of seeing the ruins as impossible to fix, she saw with wonder what could be. Her eyes saw the potential beauty, the hope of new life. Immediately she began her restoration work.

Likewise, our sexual relationships are often begun with walls broken and fractured and with weeds of past experiences choking out healthy sexual expression.

As in Mary’s garden, restoration to beauty is possible in the secret garden of marriage. We were made to bloom, to flourish in the place of maximum sunlight with the right amount of moisture—not too little, not too much. God plants us in a marriage with the potential to grow as individuals to mature beauty. But it takes time.

As a boomer-generation child, I came of age in the early days of the sexual revolution. A friend and radio guest, pediatrician Dr. Meg Meeker, said that our generation has left a terrible legacy in the sexual liberation we inaugurated. I agree with her. Casual sex and fluid gender identity is an epidemic spreading like wildfire, and the result for our children and grandchildren is truly frightening. As a result, it is rare that young couples marry today as virgins or enter matrimony untouched by abuse. Far too often, one or both carry physical, psychological, and emotional sexual scars into marriage.

It can feel like too much, but I know God is supremely able to rescue and restore. And so premarital experience must be addressed with your spouse. Once married, the experience is not just yours, but his to bear with you. As Paul said in Galatians 6:2, “Bear one another’s burdens.” Your wounds are now his, and his wounds yours. Your individual losses affect each other and your experience in sex.

Yet there is great joy in a love that overcomes. What a wonder it is to be welcomed in love, to not be alone with your losses but to be with another who loves in spite of the loss. Love does cover a multitude of sins. God delights to redeem and rescue, and He’s at work in this aspect of your marriage, too.

You see, it’s not just our individual mistakes that come with us to marriage. Lurking below the surface for every husband and every wife, in every marriage, is our universal shame. Every one of us is imperfect and bears the stain of shame before God. Though we long for the comfort and safety we intuitively know is to be found in the oneness of sexual intimacy, our shame often gets in the way. The consequences of sexual sin and abuse are not quickly overcome.

Past sexual experiences, universal shame, and all our miscellaneous baggage make the work of creating a beautiful secret garden more complicated than it was intended. Yet gratefully, with much love comes much forgiveness (see Luke 7:47).

It is in exposure to each other that we find the healing that love intends for us. This is the glorious beauty of marriage: that two injured, imperfect, sinful souls can live together in harmony and thereby demonstrate to the world that the intentions of God’s original beautiful redemptive design are possible. Every marriage that not only survives but thrives fearlessly in spite of all obstacles is building a sweet victory garden of great pleasure and joy.

One of my favorite phrases in the Bible speaks to all of us, broken trees that we are, damaged, infected, or unhealthy. In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul talks about those who are guilty of greed, idolatry, and sexual immorality, and then says, “And such were some of you” (1 Corinthians 6:11). This verse tells of a change, a shift, a rebirth. It is a new day. Hope is speaking words of promise for our deliverance from sin to freedom and beauty.

None who enter the garden through the gates of matrimony arrive unscathed by the darkness of sin. But every one of the redeemed—you and I—have been washed clean and set apart for His purposes and His plans, as individuals and in our marriages. We are building this secret garden in the midst of ruin, but with hope, always with hope.

Remember:

Be brave and risk sharing pieces of your story, one by one, with your beloved so that healing can begin in your secret garden.God loves to redeem. It’s His greatest joy.Nothing is too hard for Him. Even this.Be courageous and keep working on your secret garden even when it seems impossible.

May your gardening be filled with that hope, because He is able to do exceedingly beyond all we ask or think.

Mom

This post was adapted with permission from my book, Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife , ©2016, Bethany House Publishers. If you enjoyed reading this, you’ll find many more letters in the book about different issues that come up in marriage. 

I highly recommend Dr. Julie Slattery’s book Rethinking Sexuality.  She is a wonderfully humble person and her wisdom is profound on matters of intimacy in marriage. Her podcasts are also a great resource on this topic they can be find on her website puredesire.org.

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The Barbara Rainey Podcast: Weathering the Storms in Our Marriage

Weathering a storm in your marriage is never easy, but unfortunately something we all go through, eventually. It doesn’t typically take very long after the “I do’s” for the “worse” in “for better or for worse” to be tested. But I will say, I’ve heard from many people who have been through suffering—whether it’s shallow, small things or really deep, tragic things—and can say, on the other side, “I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t like it, but I knew God better. I came to know Him better as a result.” I would say that is definitely true for Dennis and me.

On today’s episode of The Barbara Rainey podcast, Dennis and I talk about what suffering has looked like in our marriage. Several years ago I wrote a book called Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife, and I devoted a whole chapter to suffering and how to view the valleys in marriage and not lose heart or hope. I hope you take some time to listen to today’s episode and are encouraged if you are walking through a hard season. You can listen here or on any major podcast platform. 

Also, we are thrilled to share that Bethany Publishing has graciously released a paperback version of the book! This has probably been my favorite book I wrote and what a joy to get to see it in another form being available to another generation of wives. You can secure your copy (for you or as a gift to a wife just starting her married journey) here, for a $30 or more donation to Ever Thine Home (includes shipping). We are so grateful for you and your continued support of this ministry. 

Grateful for you today,

Barbara

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