Barbara Rainey's Blog, page 7

Avoid These Three Mistakes to Become a Wise Mother-in-law

Why is it that one of life’s most difficult relationships is often between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law? Or sometimes a son-in-law?

Most of us have high hopes for these relationships before they become official. We imagine getting along, spending time together, and liking each other. And yet all too soon individual relationships suffer from misunderstandings, missed expectations both stated and unstated, and hurt feelings.

And most of the time it’s all unintentional.

I remember a comment a friend of mine made in her introduction at the start of a small gathering of leaders: “Human beings are meaning makers!”

All my life I’ve looked for meaning, especially the deeper, unseen significance in events, ceremonies, holidays, even details of God’s creation. So I was dazzled by the implications of this true and suddenly-obvious statement. I am made in His image, the Author and Creator … who as the Word is the meaning behind everything. So my search for meaning was and is always a search for Him!

What does this have to do with being a mother-in-law?

Simply this: These often troubled and ridiculed relationships are, at the heart level, a quest for meaning and value. When we don’t get along, when we believe the worst, when we retreat in fear and therefore withhold love, we miss the added value and delight God built into these unique relationships. Because we want meaningful relationships with these people—our people—the hurtful comment or disappointment is greater than the same from a total stranger.

Here are three common mistakes I have made as a mother-in-law; and I would guess some of you have too.

Mistake #1: Wrong assumptions

In the middle of a difficult moment with in-law relationships, it is very easy to assume the worst about a daughter or son-in-law. A Christian counselor friend once said, “When we assume the motives of someone else we are wrong most of the time.” I have learned this is very true.

We mothers-in-law often forget is what it’s like to be in their shoes. Remember when you were newlyweds or new parents? What did you want from your parents and in-laws? What did you wish for? It might be a good exercise to make a list of what you remember as a starting point for making changes in your relationships.

The danger of assigning motives, of assuming someone’s intent, is we never know all the facts. Our in-law children are new to our family. They come with their own often un-named values, beliefs, and assumptions about what we, their in-laws, should or should not do. Not to mention what their spouse—our child—should or should not do. And … they are still figuring out their young marriage. It’s very complicated.

The temptation is always to side with your own children, to assume they are correct, because we know them. But God is clear when He says, “You shall not be partial in judgment … For the Lord your God is God of Gods and Lord of lords, the great, the mighty and the awesome God, who is not partial …” (Deuteronomy 1:17; 10:17). Meaningful in-law relations can’t happen if we are assuming the worst or assigning blame without knowing all the data. And we will rarely have all the facts.

Conclusion: Choose to believe the best. Ask God to give you His love and grace and to help you give grace, expecting nothing in return.

Mistake #2: Impatience

We’ve had a lifetime to get to know our children, but when they marry we often have only a brief time getting to know their spouse. It’s all too easy to impatiently expect these grafted-in new members of the family to feel as comfortable with your family as everyone else. Relationships take time … lots of time with many investments of grace, love, and patience.

I was talking with my friend Joanne about lessons we’ve both learned in sibling and parent-child relationships, and she mentioned the phrase “healthy detachment.” I instantly knew what she meant and that I needed to hear this. I was feeling responsible to fix the rift between two of our adult children. I felt like I should … do… something … that doing nothing was neglectful, unloving. But in this case the breach was not mine to repair; I needed to detach myself from the situation and let them work it out.

Healthy detachment is loving and caring for your adult children. It means not letting their circumstances affect your daily well-being. This is not easy. I know. And it is painful. But it’s important that we parents continue to grow our faith in God, trusting Him to work in our children’s lives. Without our help!

“Waiting is not wasting,” Joanne also said. We want great relationships today. Now. And often God’s timetable is long.

Conclusion: We are not responsible anymore. God is more than able to work His will in their lives without our help. Our job now is to be patient with the process and trust Him to do the work.

Mistake #3: Defensiveness

When a child we have raised and loved and given our lives for points out a flaw he or she sees in us, it hurts. Our natural inclination is to be defensive, to explain our position and how hard we tried to do our best rather than just apologize and say, “I’m so sorry that hurt you so much.” We forget so easily that we are all flawed, broken people and no parent is perfect. So why are we surprised when our children grow up and notice?

This next statement isn’t natural but … instead of being defensive, Christian parents should be grateful for the opportunity to apologize for the mistakes we make! Even if it was 100 percent unintentional. Modeling apology and forgiveness will open the door for your child to do the same with you or with others. A friend once said, “Seeing a flaw in ourselves is a joy because we now have the opportunity to be rid of it.”

It takes maturity and humility to see our sin this way but it’s liberating.

Only when we own our mistakes with our kids and admit where we failed them will we grow rich relationships with them and with their spouses. The truth is always your friend.

Only humility produces the beauty of meaningfully deep relationships. And continually acknowledging our own sin and failure before God makes beautiful our lives and the greater body of Christ.

It’s been quite a journey with our six and their spouses since our first got married in 1997. We’ve known lots of misunderstandings and mistakes. Thankfully we’ve known forgiveness too. We love our kids so much, including their spouses. They each bring uniqueness which challenges us to greater faith, and that is always good.

He’s got us and He’s got our kids too!

The post Avoid These Three Mistakes to Become a Wise Mother-in-law appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

4 Questions to Help You Resolve Conflict

by Samuel Rainey

Note from Barbara: I’m pleased beyond words to welcome my son, Samuel Rainey, to the Ever Thine Home blog. I could write thousands of words about this man whom God has gifted uniquely to help men and women traverse choppy or turbulent waters in their marriages and lives. As a marriage and family therapist for 15+ years he has learned much in his practice of listening and listening and listening. Samuel is a man of deep wisdom, and it’s a delight and a gift to share him with all of you.

What’s the first thought or feeling that comes up for you when you hear the word “conflict”?

Fear?

Panic?

Memories of fights in the home growing up?

An urge that says, “It’s time to start running”?

For most people that I interact with in my counseling office, conflict brings up some pretty negative memories and experiences. Especially with couples who come in with years of unresolved conflict.

Here’s what I’ve found in the 15+ years I’ve been working with relationships: Conflict (like revenge) is always a dish best served cold. It doesn’t matter what the situation is or who it is with, when things get heated we humans tend to say and do some pretty stupid things.

The book of Proverbs in the Old Testament speaks frequently and pointedly to this very tension in relationships when it urges us: Don’t be a fool.

Here is a brief glimpse of what Proverbs says about the fool:

“… fools despise wisdom and instruction” (Proverbs 1:7)“… a babbling fool will come to ruin” (10:8)“… the mouth of a fool brings ruin near” (10:14)“The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult” (12:16)“The prudent man conceals knowledge, but the heart of fools proclaims folly” (12:23)

When we don’t take a time out (yes, a literal time out), we don’t allow space for the truth of what is happening in the conflict. The more heated we get, the less capable we are of understanding ourselves or the other person.

Escalating conflicts lead to treating each other like objects, not people. If they are an object, we can easily turn them into an enemy, or the enemy.

And guess what happens when they become the enemy? You become the last hope for humanity! We somehow convince ourselves that the fate of the world depends on our ability to strike down and defeat this enemy. Or you might feel like the other person sees you as the enemy and you refuse to give up on defending your honor, even if it will be the death of you.

It’s not always possible, but take a step back to pause before responding when you’re in a conflict. In some relationships, stepping back will cause hurt, but that might be the best of two difficult choices. If the choice is to offend by taking a step back or risk saying/doing something you can’t undo, then take the step back. Let the conflict cool down. Then attempt to reengage.

Here are four questions that can help guide you as you seek to resolve a conflict. These questions can be done on your own, or you can do them together with the other person. You might want a piece of paper to jot some notes down to help you clarify your perspective. At the end, to illustrate how this exercise can work, I’m going to tell you a story about a couple and a conflict they had.

When you’re answering this question about a conflict, begin with a brief prayer asking God to help you be objective. Ask Him to distract you from the speck of dust in the eye of the other, and to show you the log in your own eye (Matthew 7:3).

What happened? (data)

Write down as much as you can recall about the incident, focusing on facts. And remember there are three sides to every story: Your side, my side, and the truth. Most all of us think that “my side” is the same as the truth. I hate to break it to you, but those are not synonymous. Your side of the truth is what you saw, experienced, and witnessed. Those are important, but don’t elevate your perspective with being the full, unadulterated truth.

As you will see in the example I provide below, this can be a bullet point list of what happened, or you can make it more of a narrative form. Regardless of your format, don’t interpret what happened; just write or consider the facts of what happened.

You might even want to try looking at the event through the eyes of the other person, or if you’re really brave, try looking at the event through God’s perspective.

What feelings came up? (emotions)

The feelings I see come up with my clients regarding conflict include anger, guilt, fear, frustration, disappointment, shame, unworthiness, rage, anger, sadness, loved, unloved, and hopelessness.

Psychologist and author John Bradshaw describes emotions as “energy in motion.” If we don’t direct our feelings into productive actions, we will react and act out our feelings in unproductive ways.

In the example below you’ll see that Alyssa “acted out” her guilt by accusing Tim of being too loud. Instead of taking care of what she felt, she took them out on Tim.

Just as you did with the first question, you might want to spend some time considering what “the other side” felt as part of this conflict? What do you imagine God felt?

What did I do to contribute to the conflict? (actions)

There are many questions God asks to various people throughout history. One of the most gutting and painful questions was in Genesis 2:13 when He is speaking to Eve about her and Adam sinning. He says, “What is this you have done?”

This question “What did I do to contribute to the conflict?” is both a question to illuminate your potential wrongdoing and an invitation to address how you are taking care of the emotions you felt. It’s a question that can lead to a do-over.

Unlike the suggestions in questions 1 and 2, do not spend any time naming or addressing what the other person did about the conflict. Trust that God will take care of them in His timing (2 Peter 3:8-9).

What do I need to do, and what help do I need? (needs)

Knowing you can’t fix or resolve everything is normal for all relationships. We all need help outside ourselves.

Needs allow us to recognize one of the most important truths about relationships: There is a God, and He is neither you nor me. When we can own this about ourselves and others, we give both of us room to fail and be imperfect. Failure is a part of being human, and thus speaking the words “I need help” is a sign of health and hope for your relationship.

Be careful about naming a want as a need. For instance, I might want my wife to apologize, but I don’t need her to do so in order to forgive her. Think of it this way: Wants are like creature comforts making your trip more enjoyable; needs are essential to the trip and your survival.

Before I get to the story of Alyssa and Tim, I hope you have found a few items that you need to make amends for (an action, feeling, or thought you had that was of ill-will towards the other). Making amends will be one of the best gifts you can offer the other person as you both work towards resolving the conflict.

Now let me introduce you to Alyssa and Tim. They’ve been married 12 years and have two girls ages 8 and 11. Lately they have been getting lost in conflict because Tim often mis-interprets what Alyssa says, and she feels like he often blames her. Neither of them can figure out why their minor disagreements inevitably turn into days-long fights.

In their last conflict, Alyssa told Tim that he was loud when he voiced his frustration about her forgetting it was her turn to pick up the kids from basketball practice. He rolled his eyes, said she was wrong, and went upstairs to watch TV.

She followed him upstairs and tried to resolve it, and it made things worse. They both yelled at each other and unearthed some resentments they had both been storing up for an occasion like this. Tim had enough, got up, and slammed the door as he left the room.

The next day Alyssa woke up and felt horrible about the night before. Not wanting to wait for days of silence and avoiding each other, Alyssa found the four questions we’d discussed in marriage counseling and got a piece of copy paper. She drew a line down the middle of the page and wrote “my side” at the top on the left, and then put “his side” on the right. She began writing, and this is what she came up with:

Data – What happened.I forgot it was my turn to pick up the kidsHe had to get them because I had Bible studyWhen he got home, I told him he was yellingHe told me I was wrongHe went upstairsI followed himWe yelled at each otherHe slept downstairsEmotions. What feelings came up?Ashamed for forgetting to get kidsGuilty for Tim having to go get themLike I’m a bad wife and motherAngry that our life is so busyExhausted by all the activitiesHurt by all the things he saidActions. What did I do?Forgot to get kids from basketballTold him of being too loud with his frustrationFollowed him upstairsYelled and insulted him for being mean to meDrank two glasses of wine before going to bedHelp. What I need to do or get help with?Need to apologize:For forgetting about getting the kidsFor choosing the wrong time to criticize his tone of voice when he got homeFor keeping the fight going by following him upstairsFor insulting him and yelling at him upstairsNeed help with:Need grace when I forget somethingNeed communication on our schedule because of how busy we areNeed to be a priority with time and attention. Dates. Gifts. EtcNeed to be reminded that I’m not a bad mom and wife

After she finished, she asked Tim if he would be willing to revisit what happened. She told him that she’d done the 4-questions exercise and that she wanted to share what she’d learned. He agreed and they went and sat on the porch.

The first thing she did was to apologize for the ways that she didn’t handle herself right or treat him well. These short and brief apologies set the stage for an incredibly productive conversation about what happened the night before. They were no longer reacting to each other. They were no longer defensive or at odds. Her apologies softened his heart. Her humility won him over (1 Peter 3:1). All of this added up to them reconciling the fight and found a couple of ways to care for each other better in the future.

Samuel Rainey is a marriage and family therapist.

The post 4 Questions to Help You Resolve Conflict appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

Making Peace with the “DMZ’s” in Your Marriage

by Samuel Rainey

Note from Barbara: I’m pleased beyond words to welcome my son, Samuel Rainey, to the Ever Thine Home blog. I could write thousands of words about this man whom God has gifted uniquely to help men and women traverse choppy or turbulent waters in their marriages and lives. As a marriage and family therapist for 15+ years he has learned much in his practice of listening and listening and listening. Samuel is a man of deep wisdom, and it’s a delight and a gift to share him with all of you.

Amy came to me for counseling several years ago to get help with the growing disconnect in her marriage. She came alone because her husband refused to come with her. She described his reasoning pretty simply: “Steve had an affair eight years ago. We never talked about it then, and we’re not going to talk about it now.” What neither of them knew was that they had created a “DMZ” in their marriage.

DMZ is short for “demilitarized zone,” which describes an area of physical land that serves as a buffer between countries at war. Currently, the most notable DMZ is between North and South Korea. This strip of land was created at the end of the Korean War over 70 years ago as part of an armistice agreement. Its existence helps both countries operate independently of each other, even though they are technically still at war.

Unfortunately, the history of the Korean peninsula resembles the “emotional land” in many marriage relationships. In almost every marriage I’ve encountered (including my own!), conflict is a common occurrence. However, when no resolution is reached in these conflicts, couples create an emotional DMZ between each other.

DMZ’s are more about a ceasefire than they are about peace. But marriages will not thrive with DMZ’s. The moment a story or conflict is placed in the “off limits” category, knowingly or unknowingly, the couple has declared war on love, trust, and forgiveness — all components of thriving relationships. When a DMZ is established, the individual parties direct their attention primarily towards survival, and are only able to be around their spouse from an emotional distance.

I have seen couples create DMZ’s over finances, differing parenting styles and goals, time spent with in-laws, spiritual or church matters, and challenges relating to their sexual relationship. These issues get declared “off limits.” I’m not all that studied on international diplomacy, but ultimately the resolution of a DMZ comes down to one word: Peace. Enemies must make peace with one another for the fighting to end. The same is true for couples.

Here’s how you start the process of discussing a topic that is off limits—a DMZ—in your marriage.

Take off your shoes (literally).

The DMZ in your marriage is holy ground. It’s where you feel pain, confront death, and seek hope. When Moses met God as the burning bush in Exodus 3, God told him to stop walking closer, and remove his sandals because he was standing on holy ground.

On one hand, this seems like an odd request. But think about it for a moment. When you are walking around outside without shoes (assuming the territory is somewhat rugged), you tend to be more careful with your steps. Your movements are slower and more deliberate. You become more aware of the jagged rocks or other objects that might cause pain to your bare feet.

When you engage in an attempt at resolving a past hurt with your spouse, take off your shoes. You might be surprised at what this symbolic act of “taking care” will do to your conversation. Let it remind you to be more aware of what’s happening between you and your spouse.

Unfold your arms.

In the sermon on the mount, Jesus talks about storing up treasures in heaven, not on earth. We can apply Matthew 6:21 to much of our lives: “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” When we engage in the DMZ’s of our marriage, we will confront where our treasures are, and our body language can illuminate that for us.

By crossing your arms, you are physically signaling that you’re protecting your heart, yourself. Defensiveness is a support of DMZ’s, not a way to make peace.

Protect what is valuable at all cost! When you unfold your arms, you are opening yourself up to your spouse. Treasure peace, not safety.

Listen twice, speak once.

Proverbs 18:13 says this loud and clear: “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”

The reality is most of us do not listen very well. Listening is a posture of sacrifice. When we listen, we tell the other person that they are important, valuable, and worth being heard. Unfortunately we’re usually more interested in forming our rebuttal (defensive posture) than allowing the words, emotions, and energy to get to our heart.

The cardinal rule in woodworking is to measure twice, and cut once. When we speak, we cut. You cannot undo a cut on a piece of wood just like you can’t unsay words that you’ve said.

Before you respond with what you want to say, reflect back to the other person the actual words they spoke and ask if you heard everything correctly (i.e., “I heard you say you feel like I don’t like you, and that I care more about work than I care about you. Is that right?”). Make sure that you’ve listened to what they have to say, and that you’ve heard it. Don’t be a fool (as the Proverbs warn) by speaking before you’ve listened.

Slow down.

DMZ’s are established because of conflict, deep pain, and emotionally fearful interactions. One couple I met with saw me weekly for three months of counseling to resolve their DMZ about in-laws! I thought they had come to a peaceable solution when the husband decided to tear it all down with his comment of, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” In one moment, he undid all the work they’d been doing. If he would have slowed down and measured his words, he might not have said this.

Resolution and peace take time. It also requires you to slow down (remember point one about removing your shoes!) so that you don’t restart the war.

Here is one practical way to slow down: Take deep breaths. Decrease your heart rate. Increase blood flow to your body.

Studies have shown that when your heart rate gets above 100 beats per minute, your brain is unable to effectively process social interactions. You will miss out on vital information if you’re going too fast or if your heart is racing (this is called “getting flooded”). Relax your jaw, your fists, and your breath. It may sound hokey, but slowing your heart rate will better allow you to view the other person as a friend, not a foe.

Drop your weapons.

You don’t walk into a peace treaty meeting with a machine gun. You won’t get very far in your attempts at peace with your spouse by bringing the relational weapons you are so adept at using. It’s really hard not to bring and use them when it appears that your spouse is not following the same guideline.

Remember this: When Jesus was betrayed and the soldiers came to the garden to arrest him, the disciples were ready to fight. At least one of them did, cutting off the ear of a soldier. What did Jesus do in response? He healed the man’s ear. If we are to become like Christ (Romans 8:29), practice offering a healing touch when a weapon has been used.

What are the weapons you use in marriage? Contempt? Stonewalling? Name calling?

Speaking the truth without love or care? Avoidance? Manipulation? Control? Rage?

Regardless of the weapon you use, leave it at the door. Perhaps even write it down and leave that piece of paper outside the room as a symbol of this action.

Practice gratitude.

The number one antidote to the poison of bitterness, resentment, and contempt is gratitude. Be thankful. Express your gratitude. Exhaust your spouse with your praise. Be specific about what you appreciate about them. Let them know why you’re so thankful.

If you’re not offering thanks to your spouse for their efforts to live at peace with you, peace will be incredibly hard to come by. Be wary of how entitlement cheats gratitude (“she should know better…”, or “I shouldn’t have to tell you this…”). If you can’t find something to be thankful for, the issue is with you, not the other person.

The presence of a DMZ on the Korean peninsula shows that the two countries remain in perpetual war with each other. Sure, there is no current fighting taking place, but don’t mistake that for peace. Peace will happen when they remove the line and agree to live together without the battles, conflicts, and violence that they are used to experiencing with each other.

As Paul tells us in Romans 12:18, “so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” It only takes one person to transform a marriage. It does not take two. I’ve seen it over and over again.

When one person offers peace to an unwilling and defensive participant it changes the relationship. This is the invitation for you and your marriage.

Remove the DMZ line. Don’t wait for the other person to change first, they are likely waiting for the same thing.

 

Samuel Rainey is a marriage and family therapist.

The post Making Peace with the “DMZ’s” in Your Marriage appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

Savoring the Savior After His Resurrection

Introduction

In the historical church, the season between Easter Sunday and Pentecost is called Eastertide, a festive season for celebrating the risen Christ. Historically it lasted 40 days until Ascension Day, also called Holy Thursday, to mark the 40 days Jesus remained on earth before returning to heaven. In recent years, some church traditions have changed this season to include the additional ten days before Pentecost.

Celebration is an important element of our faith which we practice well at Christmas, but not at Easter. The question is how do we continue to celebrate Christ?

Without a guide for these days, we are a little lost. On our own we don’t know how to carry our Easter celebration with us past Resurrection Sunday. We also don’t know how to anticipate the coming church holy days—Ascension Day and Pentecost.

There is much to discover and learn in this 50-day season from the recorded appearances of Jesus after His resurrection and the last words He spoke on earth.

And there is so very much to remember.

Can’t you imagine the disciples in those early days and weeks after the Resurrection reliving it all over and over again? They must have said to one another, “How did we miss that?” Or “Do you remember Jesus said this to us?” And the one listening said, “You’re right! I do remember now! How could I have forgotten?”

And they must have asked one another, “Were you there when …” questions about so many events and miracles. And especially they relished those moments surrounding His last few days of life. To be near someone dying is to be on holy ground.

Hindsight can teach us a lot.

What did He say to His disciples in each appearance after the Resurrection? What does the Resurrection teach us about our lives and our faith? What did the disciples learn and see and understand that can guide us today?What did Jesus reveal about Himself that will carry us forward on our journey just as it did the 12 disciples and the thousands changed by the coming of the Spirit?

So this year, to whet your appetite for the day when we produce a full 40-day devotional, we have one week of post-Easter devotions for our paid subscribers. We hope you will read these meditatively, learn more about Jesus, and continue to savor the Savior who gave His life for you and rose from the grave.

May you celebrate the Resurrection longer this year!

Day One: Remember the Emotions

Yesterday we marked the anniversary of the most miraculous moment since the dawn of time.

How would you evaluate the experience? This is not an evaluation of your church or pastor but your own heart. Were you distracted by the to-dos for your Easter brunch? Did you allow yourself to enter the experience of what actually happened that day in A.D. 33? In short, were you awed in any way?

Today, Monday, schools are back in session and the normal business of life has resumed. But is there any afterglow? Yes, there are tasks to be done, but while you are busy are you remembering the wonder of Easter? Or have you quickly forgotten because it’s the same every year? Is it just old news to you?

“Easter morning is the turning point of world history” writes Trevin Wax. So … let’s not leave the scene too quickly.

Come with me to gaze at a few details from Resurrection’s dawn with the clarity of hindsight and the Spirit’s illumination. Enter the story. To be changed by the miracle of it, we must keep it with us … closely, intimately, as a treasure.

As the sun crested the horizon on the first Easter morn, its warmth touched a group of women gathered in the morning’s chill beside a stone tomb. The four Gospels name them in various groupings. Naming women as witnesses was unheard of in that era, but God valued their faith! He valued them as much as men because “ … God shows no partiality” (Romans 2:11). By listing them God helped us see them and their hearts of faith that pleased Him. They were Mary Magdalene; Mary, the mother of James; Mary, the mother of Jesus; Salome; Joanna; and others.

But … wait … why were no men present?

Was it typically the woman’s duty to care for the bodies of the departed? Or were the men kept away by the facts—Jesus was dead and everyone knows death is final. End of story.

Jesus was like family to these women! It was unthinkable not to go to the tomb because women are devoted to their families. They went to be near the One they loved, “that they might anoint Him” (Mark 16:1-2).

A pause on our journey back to the scene … and a question: Have you been willing to go near to Jesus even when He seemed dead … or silent … or unresponsive to you? What do you think of these women who did not hesitate?

Let’s look again at the scene of the tomb … closely now … because of their love for Jesus, the women dared to go near … and …

… they were the very first to discover the tomb was empty (John 20:1).

… they were the first to hear the news “He has risen, just as He said” (Matthew 28:5-7, Luke 24:6-7).

… they were the first to see Jesus alive (John 20:14-16).

… they were the first to believe and worship Him (Matthew 28:8-9).

Here at the tomb we see Jesus honor His female disciples who were quick to recognize and believe the impossible. Their deep love and their eager welcoming faith was abundantly rewarded.

Then they ran to share the good news!

In John’s Gospel, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb earlier than anyone else, and when she saw the stone had been rolled away she ran to tell Peter and John. Both got up and ran hurriedly to the tomb. Peter “saw” but John “saw and believed,” he wrote in John 20:6-8. Later, Jesus rebuked the disciples as a group for not believing the report of these faithful women. Mark 16:14 says, “He (Jesus) rebuked them for their unbelief and hardness of heart.”

What can we learn for today from these brief glimpses into the scene of that morning miracle?

First, belief in God is supremely important to Jesus. Though we waver often between belief and unbelief, Easter reminds us to always lean toward belief even if we feel crazy doing so, just as believing Jesus was actually alive felt crazy on that first Easter morning.

Another lesson is that God likes it when we choose to go to Him, to be near Him. James 4:8 tells us, “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” Will you take steps toward Him? Your turning to Him will not go unnoticed.

Another profound truth from the death of Jesus is this: The end of the story is never the end of the story. You may be facing a dead end in your life, but the Resurrection is a reminder that God knows how to raise the dead.

Choosing to believe keeps the door open to what God wants to do. Choosing to believe is one way we remain awed by Jesus every day.

Allowing the wonder and miracles of the Resurrection to influence your life every day this week is another way we can live in the wonder of the Resurrection.

Today God’s word says to us, “Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you” (Isaiah 60:1).

Christ is risen!

He is risen indeed!!!

For Eastertide reflection:

1. Since the Resurrection is the pivotal moment of history, why are Christians on the Monday after Easter back to normal as if nothing revolutionary happened? Why is Easter just an event we celebrate, with any wonder or awe we feel evaporated by nightfall? What are your thoughts about this?

2. Are you open to remaining stunned by this incomprehensible miracle? How can you remain awed by Jesus even as you return to ordinary living?

For Resurrection living today:

Author and theologian N.T. Wright wrote, “Easter is about the wild delight of God’s creative power. We should light every candle … celebrate in creative new ways. This is our great festival! We shouldn’t allow the secular world to throw us off course with its schedules, habits and parareligious events. If Calvary is about putting to death things in your life that need killing … then Easter should mean planting, watering and training things in your life to grow and in due course bear fruit.”

In light of this rightly orienting quote, what might you add to your life that will produce growth in Christ? What can you avoid this week of the secular world’s schedules and habits that will help you savor the wonder of the Resurrection?

When Jesus showed up after the Resurrection, once the shock wore off I imagine the disciples burst into a volley of questions. They didn’t get on their knees to talk to Him in prayer. He was with them!

Jesus is with us, too, so may I suggest you practice talking to Jesus out loud this week just as they did? Don’t think of it as prayer, but as inviting Him to participate with you in your day.

As you talk to Jesus, thank Him for what He did for you; thank Him for the beauty of spring days. And as you interact with the people in your life, ask Jesus to guide you and help you be more like Him to them. At the end of the day thank Him for being with you and ask Him to make your heart like the women who went to be near Him even though they never expected a response.

Remember Jesus’ silence never means He’s absent.

P.S. If you’d be willing to give me feedback on this seven-day devotional I’d love to hear from you as I work and prepare to add additional days for next year. To give me your feedback, click here to fill out a short survey. I’d be very grateful to hear from you.

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Savoring the Savior after His Resurrection

Introduction

In the historical church, the season between Easter Sunday and Pentecost is called Eastertide, a festive season for celebrating the risen Christ. Historically it lasted 40 days until Ascension Day, also called Holy Thursday, to mark the 40 days Jesus remained on earth before returning to heaven. In recent years, some church traditions have changed this season to include the additional ten days before Pentecost.

Celebration is an important element of our faith which we practice well at Christmas, but not at Easter. The question is how do we continue to celebrate Christ?

Without a guide for these days, we are a little lost. On our own we don’t know how to carry our Easter celebration with us past Resurrection Sunday. We also don’t know how to anticipate the coming church holy days—Ascension Day and Pentecost.

There is much to discover and learn in this 50-day season from the recorded appearances of Jesus after His resurrection and the last words He spoke on earth.

And there is so very much to remember.

Can’t you imagine the disciples in those early days and weeks after the Resurrection reliving it all over and over again? They must have said to one another, “How did we miss that?” Or “Do you remember Jesus said this to us?” And the one listening said, “You’re right! I do remember now! How could I have forgotten?”

And they must have asked one another, “Were you there when …” questions about so many events and miracles. And especially they relished those moments surrounding His last few days of life. To be near someone dying is to be on holy ground.

Hindsight can teach us a lot.

What did He say to His disciples in each appearance after the Resurrection? What does the Resurrection teach us about our lives and our faith? What did the disciples learn and see and understand that can guide us today?What did Jesus reveal about Himself that will carry us forward on our journey just as it did the 12 disciples and the thousands changed by the coming of the Spirit?

So this year, to whet your appetite for the day when we produce a full 40-day devotional, we have one week of post-Easter devotions for our paid subscribers. We hope you will read these meditatively, learn more about Jesus, and continue to savor the Savior who gave His life for you and rose from the grave.

May you celebrate the Resurrection longer this year!

Day One: Remember the Emotions

Yesterday we marked the anniversary of the most miraculous moment since the dawn of time.

How would you evaluate the experience? This is not an evaluation of your church or pastor but your own heart. Were you distracted by the to-dos for your Easter brunch? Did you allow yourself to enter the experience of what actually happened that day in A.D. 33? In short, were you awed in any way?

Today, Monday, schools are back in session and the normal business of life has resumed. But is there any afterglow? Yes, there are tasks to be done, but while you are busy are you remembering the wonder of Easter? Or have you quickly forgotten because it’s the same every year? Is it just old news to you?

“Easter morning is the turning point of world history” writes Trevin Wax. So … let’s not leave the scene too quickly.

Come with me to gaze at a few details from Resurrection’s dawn with the clarity of hindsight and the Spirit’s illumination. Enter the story. To be changed by the miracle of it, we must keep it with us … closely, intimately, as a treasure.

As the sun crested the horizon on the first Easter morn, its warmth touched a group of women gathered in the morning’s chill beside a stone tomb. The four Gospels name them in various groupings. Naming women as witnesses was unheard of in that era, but God valued their faith! He valued them as much as men because “ … God shows no partiality” (Romans 2:11). By listing them God helped us see them and their hearts of faith that pleased Him. They were Mary Magdalene; Mary, the mother of James; Mary, the mother of Jesus; Salome; Joanna; and others.

But … wait … why were no men present?

Was it typically the woman’s duty to care for the bodies of the departed? Or were the men kept away by the facts—Jesus was dead and everyone knows death is final. End of story.

Jesus was like family to these women! It was unthinkable not to go to the tomb because women are devoted to their families. They went to be near the One they loved, “that they might anoint Him” (Mark 16:1-2).

A pause on our journey back to the scene … and a question: Have you been willing to go near to Jesus even when He seemed dead … or silent … or unresponsive to you? What do you think of these women who did not hesitate?

Let’s look again at the scene of the tomb … closely now … because of their love for Jesus, the women dared to go near … and …

… they were the very first to discover the tomb was empty (John 20:1).

… they were the first to hear the news “He has risen, just as He said” (Matthew 28:5-7, Luke 24:6-7).

… they were the first to see Jesus alive (John 20:14-16).

… they were the first to believe and worship Him (Matthew 28:8-9).

Here at the tomb we see Jesus honor His female disciples who were quick to recognize and believe the impossible. Their deep love and their eager welcoming faith was abundantly rewarded.

Then they ran to share the good news!

In John’s Gospel, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb earlier than anyone else, and when she saw the stone had been rolled away she ran to tell Peter and John. Both got up and ran hurriedly to the tomb. Peter “saw” but John “saw and believed,” he wrote in John 20:6-8. Later, Jesus rebuked the disciples as a group for not believing the report of these faithful women. Mark 16:14 says, “He (Jesus) rebuked them for their unbelief and hardness of heart.”

What can we learn for today from these brief glimpses into the scene of that morning miracle?

First, belief in God is supremely important to Jesus. Though we waver often between belief and unbelief, Easter reminds us to always lean toward belief even if we feel crazy doing so, just as believing Jesus was actually alive felt crazy on that first Easter morning.

Another lesson is that God likes it when we choose to go to Him, to be near Him. James 4:8 tells us, “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” Will you take steps toward Him? Your turning to Him will not go unnoticed.

Another profound truth from the death of Jesus is this: The end of the story is never the end of the story. You may be facing a dead end in your life, but the Resurrection is a reminder that God knows how to raise the dead.

Choosing to believe keeps the door open to what God wants to do. Choosing to believe is one way we remain awed by Jesus every day.

Allowing the wonder and miracles of the Resurrection to influence your life every day this week is another way we can live in the wonder of the Resurrection.

Today God’s word says to us, “Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you” (Isaiah 60:1).

Christ is risen!

He is risen indeed!!!

For Eastertide reflection:

Since the Resurrection is the pivotal moment of history, why are Christians on the Monday after Easter back to normal as if nothing revolutionary happened? Why is Easter just an event we celebrate, with any wonder or awe we feel evaporated by nightfall? What are your thoughts about this?Are you open to remaining stunned by this incomprehensible miracle? How can you remain awed by Jesus even as you return to ordinary living?

For Resurrection living today:

Author and theologian N.T. Wright wrote, “Easter is about the wild delight of God’s creative power. We should light every candle … celebrate in creative new ways. This is our great festival! We shouldn’t allow the secular world to throw us off course with its schedules, habits and parareligious events. If Calvary is about putting to death things in your life that need killing … then Easter should mean planting, watering and training things in your life to grow and in due course bear fruit.”

In light of this rightly orienting quote, what might you add to your life that will produce growth in Christ? What can you avoid this week of the secular world’s schedules and habits that will help you savor the wonder of the Resurrection?

When Jesus showed up after the Resurrection, once the shock wore off I imagine the disciples burst into a volley of questions. They didn’t get on their knees to talk to Him in prayer. He was with them!

Jesus is with us, too, so may I suggest you practice talking to Jesus out loud this week just as they did? Don’t think of it as prayer, but as inviting Him to participate with you in your day.

As you talk to Jesus, thank Him for what He did for you; thank Him for the beauty of spring days. And as you interact with the people in your life, ask Jesus to guide you and help you be more like Him to them. At the end of the day thank Him for being with you and ask Him to make your heart like the women who went to be near Him even though they never expected a response.

Remember Jesus’ silence never means He’s absent.

P.S. If you’d be willing to give me feedback on this seven-day devotional I’d love to hear from you as I work and prepare to add additional days for next year. To give me your feedback, click here to fill out a short survey. I’d be very grateful to hear from you.

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Anticipating Easter: Waiting With Eagerness

Laura is my youngest child, and from the time she was four or five she woke up before dawn on Christmas day. Her excitement and anticipation made it difficult to sleep.

As she got older, this sleepless pattern extended to include the nights before tryouts or before big events like the high school prom or a trip with her dad. When she got married at age 31, so great was her anticipation that I was afraid she wouldn’t sleep even five minutes on her wedding eve! But she did … a little anyway. Her bridesmaids spent the night with her here at our house, so I’m not sure it was quiet until the wee hours.

Laura is an “all in” girl who lives the moments of life to the fullest. Her sense of anticipation blooms full as she nears something she’s really excited about. And I’m so glad she’s never outgrown her childhood enthusiasm.

Her joie de vivre is infectious. Laura has taught me to be more expressive, to more fully engage in all of life. As a result I’ve learned there is a great difference between just waiting around and waiting with great hope.

Anticipation is watching with hope and expectancy; it is indispensable to our faith. While we easily associate this sense of expectation with Christmas, I’ve never heard anyone link it with Easter. And yet because we know the end of the story—that Christ rose from the grave—we of all people should anticipate this day of celebration for our faith.

Easter is the holy day that ushers in our hope of being united with Jesus at the marriage supper of the Lamb. Just as Laura and most other brides eagerly, expectantly, and joyfully anticipate their wedding day, so we as believers should experience the same expectancy about Easter. It is our engagement, the promise of His coming back for us to be His bride!

Jesus told us to become as little children (Matthew 18:3). One way to cultivate a more trusting child-like faith is to practice anticipation. Here are three ways:

Ask God to clear away the fog of our “We know the story” mindsetso we can see afresh the stunning wonder of the Resurrection. Invite the Holy Spirit to open your eyes,to see with wonder and awe the miracles of Easter for you, that Jesus died for you as if you were the only one.Then get engaged. Don’t passively wait for God to do something spectacular. He already did on the cross! Your job is to get involved, spend some energy and time just as you would getting ready for a wedding, a birthday party, and of course Christmas. When we anticipate something important, we prepare to celebrate fully and exuberantly. Unless you grow anticipation by investing in planning for Easter it will continue to be just another Sunday.

So come on. Join us at Ever Thine Home in making much of Easter this year. Start building anticipation in your home today and it might just deepen faith in each of your family members. And wouldn’t that be worth the effort?

What do you do for Easter? What does your church do? We’d love to hear from you … just leave a comment at the end of this post. 

 

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Anticipating Easter: Wearing White on Resurrection Sunday

I was working outside on a glorious spring day when out of nowhere I started thinking of the words to an old Easter song by Irving Berlin that I remember from my childhood:

“In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it, 

You’ll be the grandest lady in the Easter parade.”

And then I thought, “How typical of us, especially as women, and particularly me, to make Easter about fashion and how we look.”

I loved making or buying adorable new dresses or little suits for my children for Easter Sunday. New clothes help us set apart a special occasion. Nothing wrong with that.

But I realized in hindsight that I had another motive—I wanted my children to be noticed for how cute and adorable they were. Not exactly the devotion to Christ that Resurrection Day deserves. Happily there is grace for my shortcomings and mixed motives.

Today it’s common for women and children to wear pastel or bright-colored dresses for Easter (if they wear anything special at all to mark the occasion). But this year I’d like to suggest you consider reviving an old tradition by wearing white for Easter.

And at some point in recent decades, it seems, the meaning of wearing white on Easter was lost. As I thought about it, I realized that somewhere, someone understood that believers in Christ will one day wear white linen in heaven. Wearing white for the first time on Easter Sunday symbolizes not only our future, but also the dramatic change from the dark drab of winter to the clean newness waiting for us because of the Resurrection.

By sporting some white, we declare our identification with Christ, our hope for the future, our joy in this greatest victory of all history. This is the imagery in verses like:

Revelation 3:4: “ … they will walk with me in white, for they are worthy.” Revelation 19:14: “And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following Him on white horses.”

So as you prepare for Resurrection Sunday, go ahead and plan something new to remind you of your new life in Christ. And something white, to remember that “though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow” (Isaiah 1:18).

But make sure your heart is focused on celebrating the Savior, not on being the grandest lady with perfectly adorned children in church on Easter Sunday.

Christ is risen!

What do you do for Easter? What does your church do? We’d love to hear from you … just leave a comment at the end of this post. 

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Anticipating Easter: Tune Your Hearts to Worship

To celebrate well, we must plan to celebrate.

Weddings, birthday parties, graduations; baby or building dedications, grand openings, awards ceremonies; all require weeks or months of planning. We brainstorm, research, make reservations, recruit friends to help or hire event planners.

Easter is next month! Would you be willing to do some planning to make your family’s Easter experience memorable? What about investing in making your church’s celebration a really big deal?

Preparing for Easter is both personal and corporate. We start by paying attention to our own hearts; focus on what Jesus did for you alone by reading devotionals like the ones I recommended last week. Prepare your home to reflect the season and your faith with ideas I wrote about here. But we can also invest in our churches; helping the church staff, who are always busy in this season, can make Resurrection Sunday a celebration like no other at your church.

Here are a few ideas for your own heart preparation and for your church.

1. Make an Easter playlist for yourself or your family of your favorite hymns and songs that focus on the cross and the Resurrection. Interestingly, in other countries Christians don’t play Easter music until after Resurrection Sunday. They reserve it for the actual day of Easter’s celebration and then listen in the weeks after Easter to keep the joy fresh and alive.

Choose the music that sets the mood for you. We have a playlist here. Or check out musician Andrew Peterson for some good ideas for song options. Listen for yourself and your family in the weeks before and after Easter.

But especially on Easter Sunday, play your favorite Easter songs all day in your home and during your planned celebrations. I encourage you to respond to the miracle of the Resurrection with feasting and with exuberant dancing, clapping, or singing together. Easter is a day to party like no other!

2. Help your church make Easter Sunday memorable. Start by understanding that most churches have made their Easter plans months prior. Walking in at this point with grand ideas might not be well received if it feels like more work for them. So begin by deciding who to talk to and then ask that person, probably not the pastor at first, what has been planned already. Ask if they need help with what is already in the works.

Then once you have heard from them you can propose your ideas. And always bring your ideas with plans for how they can be accomplished already worked out. Pastors and their staff are frequently inundated with a thousand ideas for changes and new ideas from members but rarely do the ideas come with “How can I help?” attached. And if there’s not any time to implement your idea this year, try again next year … but earlier.

To get you started on ideas for your church here is one that’s not too complicated.

A good friend of mine, Andrea, a pastor’s wife, said Easter at their church is a grand party. They shoot confetti cannons and encourage all the members to bring bells to ring and banners to wave to enhance the celebration. One year they even gave everyone a cake pop as a party favor on the way out of the service.

 

Would you be the one willing to organize some volunteers and talk with your pastor about how you can throw a big Easter Sunday party at your church too?

Easter Sunday is a great day for believers to celebrate collectively all over the world. But more importantly, it is a day for us to declare to the world that Jesus is alive! If we make much of Jesus, if we celebrate publicly, noticeably, and joyfully in such a way that those who don’t know him watch and wonder, might our day be a witness to the world?

Truly, Easter should be an enormous celebration.

Join us this year in honoring Christ’s sacrifice and His Resurrection with exceptional merriment. May this Sunday be unlike any other in the church calendar all year long.

What do you do for Easter? What does your church do? We’d love to hear from you … just leave a comment at the end of this post. 

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Anticipating Easter: 14 Ideas to Make Easter Memorable

Easter is the holiday that sneaks up on us and finds us unprepared. 

Why does it happen every year?

Here are a few reasons that might help put it all in perspective.

While Christmas has nearly six months of anticipation–decorative and gift items start appearing in stores in late summer—Easter gets little advance marketing support from the retail world.Making Christmas meaningful and memorable for families is easier because schools close for two or more weeks. In contrast, our children might get Good Friday off from school (but not everywhere).The date of Easter changes every year, making it more challenging to remember and plan ahead. How often have you asked, “When is Easter this year?”And then there’s money. Too many of us spend a lot of money on Christmas—traveling to visit family, buying big gifts, perhaps even taking a ski trip. We don’t budget money for Easter like we do for Christmas.

To help you rethink this imbalance, here are some questions to consider:

Do we over-celebrate Christmas and, as a result, have too little energy, desire, or emotion left for the most important holiday of the year?  

Do we take a minimalist approach to celebrating the greatest event of history? Have you ever considered that we ignore what Jesus commanded us to do–remember His death (1 Corinthians 11:23-26)? He never asked us to commemorate His birth.

Does the emphasis on Christmas far surpass what you do for Easter in your house? It certainly did in mine for most of my adult life. Like many, I didn’t really know how to celebrate Easter. I needed a vision for how to make much of this important holiday.

So I want to challenge you to rethink this holiday with me. Ask God to help you rightly balance your attention to His greatest miracle, Easter, with some of the same attention you give to celebrating His birth.

I invite you this year to become Easter people for whom the cross is everything!

Start today to think about what kind of Easter celebration you want to plan for your family.

Do you want something cozy and intimate with your nuclear family?

Do you want a larger Easter lunch or dinner with your extended family?

Do you want to go all out and plan something big with friends and neighbors, or with your church?

If you decide on a group celebration, start talking to friends who might want to join you and find a partner with whom to share the work and joy. Will you want to include a grand lunch or dinner feast? Begin now to think about the location, menu, decorations, and responsibilities.

Plan meaningful decorations for your home. Most decorations you’ll find in stores focus on eggs, bunnies, and baby chicks, but none of these directly tie into the Resurrection.

So here are some ideas to help you plan for a meaningful celebration this year. I’ve also included a number of links to helpful resources. You might want to print this list and mark the ideas you want to try and then mark your calendar with deadlines and to-dos for making it happen.

1. Create anticipation with a countdown to Easter. Help your kids make a traditional numbered paper chain. They can tear off one paper loop each day. Let them each hang one in their room. Or get our Behold the Lamb Kids Lent Countdown, a digital download activity kids will love.

2. Hang our new I AM calendar in your house. These beautiful images of the names of Jesus—like “I AM the Bread of Life” or “I AM the Lion of Judah”—can adorn your home during the Easter season and even all year long. (Images fit in standard 11×14 size frames.) Look for this calendar in our Etsy store.

3. Organize a church or neighborhood egg hunt, using Resurrection Eggs from FamilyLife. This best-selling resource is a great tool to explain the true meaning of Easter. Kids as young as three or four can begin to remember what all the tiny pieces in the eggs mean.

4. Plan to help your kids reenact the Palm Sunday story or the Good Friday story. Read aloud the story in John 12 and John 18-20. Encourage them to create costumes and even the scene if you have the space.

5. Invite your friends over for a DIY craft night to make these Easter candles. Use them as décor on your kitchen or dining room table to use during Holy Week. If you can find a piece of old fencing or barn wood, write “He is Risen” in white paint on the board and display it on a fireplace mantle.

6. Observe Passover. This traditional Jewish event celebrates God passing over Jewish homes when He punished the nation of Egypt by enslaving His people. For followers of Christ it also prefigures Jesus’ passing over our sins through His death and Resurrection. This was a significant part of Holy Week; what we call the “Last Supper” was a Passover meal.

This year Jewish Passover is on April 5-12. For recipes, a dinner guide, and activities, click here.

7. Watch the Jesus film. Dear friends of ours, Tim and Darcy Kimmel, watch the movie on the day before Easter and take communion together as a family. Watching the story of Jesus every year will make Easter far more meaningful. You can watch it here.

8. Observe Holy Week. Starting on Palm Sunday, I will be posting blog posts every day during Holy Week that your family can use for devotions. Light your pre-decorated candles as you read the stories.

9. Attend your church’s Good Friday services. At home either before or after church, talk about Jesus’ death on the cross by reading the story in one of the four Gospels. Tear a handmade curtain or a length of muslin fabric to explain the ripping of the veil in the temple. At noon, close all your curtains and blinds to make your house dark. This is the hour when the earth went dark. Leave your house dark until Sunday morning to further the impact. Then on Easter Sunday to symbolize Jesus rising from the dead, serve Tomb Cake, or make special pancakes to illustrate the empty tomb.

10. Send an Easter care package. If there’s someone you’d love to spend Easter with but distance keeps you apart, drop a meaningful gift in the mail to them.

11. Include truth-telling gifts in your children’s Easter baskets. Look in our Etsy store or a local Christian bookstore for gifts that speak to the truth of Easter.

12. Prepare a special feast. Find an Easter menu online or ask friends for ideas. One of our favorites for our Easter meal is Spring Salad. Here’s the recipe if you’d like to add it to your menu.

Then create a grand tablescape for your feast in a gold and white color scheme. (Look for an example in this video.) Gold reminds us of our victorious King and white represents the purity of His perfect life and the purity that will be ours one day.

Your décor doesn’t have to be expensive. Set the DIY candles on blocks of wood to create varying heights. Fill mason jars with white roses, white hydrangeas, or even baby’s breath. If the weather is glorious, eat outside with gold-rimmed paper plates, gold plastic silverware, paper cups. We even found gold-striped paper straws for our photo shoot. A backyard picnic setup gives the kids space to play when the feasting is over.

13. Don’t leave too much work for Holy Week.

Plan ahead and create “to-do” lists so that you’re not swamped with work the last few days before Easter Sunday. Decide what clothes you and your family will wear, and purchase any new clothes a couple weeks ahead of time. Plan your meal and prepare any food that could be frozen.

14. Prepare your heart, too. Don’t just plan the event, but ready your heart as well. I suggest reading one or more of these wonderful books in the weeks leading to Easter to help you ponder the uncomfortable truths of Jesus’ death and burial:

Word in the Wilderness, by Malcolm GuiteThe Passion of Jesus Christ, by John PiperShaped by the Cross, by Ken Gire40 Days of Decrease, by Alicia Britt CholeA Violent Grace, by Michael CardReliving the Passion, by Walter Wangerin, Jr.Tempted and Tried, by Russell Moore

Allow yourself to feel just a hint of His agony, His suffering, His pain. Walk away from the cross with the disciples who were shocked at His death, whose hopes were dashed, whose fears were crippling; their despair and depression deep and debilitating.

This is very good for your faith! Don’t rush past thinking about what Jesus did for you.

Then you will be ready for Sunday’s dawn. Then your joy on Resurrection Day will begin to match the disciples. Then the world will know that you have been with Jesus. That your life has been changed forever.

Christ is risen!

What do you do for Easter? What does your church do? We’d love to hear from you … just leave a comment at the end of this post. 

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What Husbands Need to Know About Their Porn Use

Note from Barbara: I’m pleased beyond words to welcome my son, Samuel Rainey, to the Ever Thine Home blog page. I could write thousands of words about this man whom God has gifted uniquely to help men and women traverse choppy or turbulent waters in their marriages and lives. As a marriage and family therapist for 15+ years he has learned much in his practice of listening and listening and listening. A great counselor helps the seeking one find truth, discover the path, and see with understanding on their own so that it sticks for life. Samuel is a man of deep wisdom.

Today’s post topic is a sad reality for many marriages today. If it’s not for yours or your own life, read it anyway because you do know someone for whom this is a deeply challenging struggle. We need one another to please share this sensitively and compassionately with those you know. We are stronger resisting the evil one when we aren’t alone.

It’s a delight and a gift to share Samuel with all of you.

It’s Friday afternoon, and I’m wrapping up my work week before I head home to help my wife setup for a birthday party. Just as I’m about to lock up, my office phone rings.

I hesitate to pick it up. I am usually finished with my office work by this time on Fridays, but today’s work has lingered. In my 15+ years of working in the counseling field, I know that calls from clients after Thursday night tend to be heavier, as whatever they’re facing at home looms large with the weekend approaching.

My work today is not yet finished.

Almost immediately upon answering the phone I hear the fear in Jim’s voice. He launches into a panic-filled story about the lunch just had with his wife. “She found out about my porn struggle last night, and is telling me she is thinking about leaving, and that she is done trying with me.”

He’s ashamed, scared, and desperate to come in and see me for counseling. After several minutes of discussion we set up an appointment for the following week. Referencing Proverbs 1:5, I tell him to be patient and wait until we meet before he makes any promises or disclosures to his wife. Too often men respond reactively when confronted in a situation like this, and it makes the relationship with their wife worse, not better.

I spend a few moments reflecting on the conversation. Jim said a few things about his situation that stuck out to me, and I make a note to address these comments. As I write down these four specific areas to revisit with Jim next week, I realize that they apply to countless other men I have worked with over the years who have been in a similar situation.

When Jim and I get together in person, I share these four statements about his porn use. They were extremely helpful for him in his understanding, responsibility, and healing.

1. It is not about your wife.

In our phone call, Jim said he thought his porn use had something to do with his wife’s appearance and availability to have sex with him. Genesis chapter 3 speaks specifically to this dynamic between a husband and a wife who Jim unknowingly referenced with his comment. When God finds Adam and Eve after they sinned, he comes to Adam first and asks him a series of questions to which, in verse 12, he blames Eve for his actions (hello, shame). “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

The first and foremost problem with blaming your wife for your porn use is that no one enters into marriage sexually pure. Everyone has a story of some kind of sexual brokenness or harm. We all have sexual baggage, and porn is a certain kind of sexual baggage.

The overwhelming majority of men bring a history of porn into the marriage. There have been very few instances when I have heard a man speak about developing a porn habit or addiction after getting married. Now it’s possible that porn usage increases after marriage because of a husband’s inability to handle a variety of factors: disappointment in sex, performance issues, or frequency of sex. While it would be nice and clean to put the blame on the wife, that’s not really what’s happening. She’s not the problem.

Porn use happens because it’s easy. For men, there’s no risk of rejection. When you pursue your wife sexually, there’s a chance it won’t go the way you hope/want/need. There is a possibility of rejection. The viewer of porn never experiences this pain of failure. Porn says, “You can come as you are. You are welcome here. Alone. Tired. Afraid. Ashamed. No problem. You’re okay here.”

Sex with oneself is infinitely easier than with another person, but it’s also infinitely emptier. Sex in real life is rarely easy. It’s very vulnerable, and the possibility of rejection or failure is ever present. But it is this vulnerability and risk that make sex in a marriage a unifying, healing, and connecting experience. Porn is about your own sexual story, not about what your wife is or isn’t doing.

2. Porn use happens because of your shame.

In Genesis, when Adam and Eve recognize they are naked, they feel shame for the very first time. The natural response to shame is to cover up and hide. Shame is the feeling that there is something wrong with me. That I am bad. I keep doing things that are painful to myself and/or others, and only bad people do those kinds of things again and again. Because of this, I feel the toxic shame of being bad.

Porn often begins a spiral of shame.  You look at porn as a readily accessible way to forget about the deep disappointment in yourself. But when the porn binge/use is over, you are on your own to face the mess in you emotionally, and physically. This is when the tidal waves of guilt and shame come with great intensity. A great reprieve from this toxic shame is to soothe oneself, and what better way to do that with someone on the screen that will always say, “Yes”? It’s a downward spiral that is difficult to stop.

Shame keeps us from connecting with other people. And this isn’t just about porn. Anyone who deals with shame has trouble being in caring, intimate (not just sexual intimacy), vulnerable relationships. We were created for relationships, and if one is too shameful to have real relationships, porn is a momentary outlet for this longing and need. But it is a fractured and broken way of feeling connection.

At the end of Genesis chapter 3 we see the unique consequences of sin for both Adam and Eve. For Adam, his consequence centers around the fulfillment of his life through his work and provision. Verse 17 says:

“Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.”

His consequence of work and provision provokes a shame in him that threatens everything he desires for his life. This shame says that he is incomplete, incompetent, and without potency. He will toil in the fields to produce food. Nothing will be easy, peaceful, or without challenge.

I think this consequence applies to more than Adam’s toil in the fields. The sex he enjoyed with Eve prior to his sin provoked no concerns of rejection, no worries of “being enough,” and no possibility of revenge actions aimed at fulfilling his needs at the expense of Eve.

Now that his sin has changed the world, it has changed his life. His nakedness will now have rejection as a possibility. He might not have “enough” to woo his wife. She will be uninterested in him, and he will be enraged with the shame of impotency (in the curse for Eve, God tells her that her husband will “rule over you,” which implies a sense of dominance, violence, and rage against his not being enough for her). As a result of these painful feelings, he will look for ways to easily satisfy his longings.

What is easy? Sex without the possibility of failure. What kind of sex is always without failure? Porn. It’s a one-way street with no possibility of the man’s desire being shut down. Porn answers the question for him, “Yes, you are enough.”

3. Porn use is cheating.

One of the most problematic dismissals I hear about porn is that it is better than having an affair. Most men are smart enough to not say this outright (or consciously think this), but if you believe that using porn isn’t cheating, you are effectively saying that it’s better than going out and having an affair.

Hebrews 13:4 exhorts husbands and wives to avoid behavior that defiles the marriage bed. The Bible does not specifically mention pornography (or masturbation for that matter) but it does speak directly to sexual immorality. The modern culture would have you believe that porn is an act that does not harm anyone; in fact some believe the use of porn in the marriage relationship enhances the sexual experience between husband and wife. But the marriage bed is the sexual relationship between you and your wife, and the use of porn brings other people into your marriage bed. This is the very definition of adultery.

Porn use is cheating because it involves meeting sexual and emotional needs in a relationship outside the marriage. Yes, to some it might not feel as devastating as an affair, but it’s incredibly problematic for a couple to deal with the effects of porn.

Studies show three significant issues that come from porn usage. First, the more men use porn, the less successful they are in their intimate relationships. Second, they tend to have (and need) more sexual partners in life. Lastly, they confuse sex with something that is relationally experienced with something that is watched. Sex becomes about orgasm, not about connection. This habit of watching sex transforms people into objects, and connections into transactions. In this framework, men and women become nothing more than genitalia.

4. Healing does not happen in isolation. It requires community.

Keep heart—there is hope. First John 1:9 reminds us to keep heart and respond to the forgiveness that is available: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

Usually porn is viewed in secret and isolation. The easiest thing to do is attempt to correct this behavior in secret. However, I’ve yet to meet a man who has healed from the use and effects of porn on his own.

Healing always requires community. Recovery happens in relationships, not in isolation. Community is a direct assault on toxic shame. Evil cannot thrive in a community that is oriented towards hope, healing, and forgiveness.

The men, women, and couples who attempt to recover on their own from their sexual brokenness face an impossibly difficult uphill ascent without any safety gear to keep them from falling. The impact of porn is such a personal and shameful experience (for both husband and wife), the last action most want to take is to invite others into that process. But that is the only way that I know of how healing and forgiveness take place.

Don’t try to do it alone. Join or start a recovery group. Seek professional counseling. Get help! Talk with a friend, invite them into a healing process with you. You’re not alone: The Barna Group found that 73 percent of men ages 18-49 view porn once a month. So others are waiting to be invited into the light of day, just like you are.

Jim left my office after that first appointment with a list of three things that he was going to do. He committed to finding three men that he could share with about his struggle, join a recovery group at his church, and begin working on his sexual history.

The biggest thing I wanted Jim to walk away with from our time together was a focus on his relationship with God, not with his wife. When he is able to square himself up with God, the relationship with his wife will take care of itself.

It was easy for him to feel like he needed a miracle with her that first week we started working together, but he didn’t get to that place over night, and he was not going to address all the challenges with his marriage overnight, either. Change happens with small and consistent incremental adjustments that take place over an extended period of time. Don’t try to rush the process, seek guidance, and as the Psalmist says, wait patiently for the Lord.

Learn how you can step up to the responsibilities of manhood in Dennis Rainey’s new video series, “The Call to Courageous Manhood.” Dennis talks about the five steps of manhood and provides biblical and practical encouragement on what it means to be a man. Go to CalltoCourageousManhood.com .

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