Barbara Rainey's Blog, page 24

The Future of Ever Thine Home

First, I want to say welcome to all of you who are new subscribers! Thanks for joining us in this quest to experience God more in our lives and in our homes.

Second, I’m delighted to share with you what’s ahead for Ever Thine Home and me, and I hope for you too! 

Though the closing of the online store has had moments of sadness over the last year since I made the decision, I’m now truly excited to be moving on to a new chapter in this ministry God has clearly given. Discovering more of what He has in store is always a grand adventure.

What will remain unchanged is this: Ever Thine Home has always been about sharing God’s truth and encouraging one another in our faith journeys. 

In the early years our products were mostly focused on teaching the Bible and sharing your faith with your children and family. While that will continue in a new venue (see below #1), I’m hopeful that in the years ahead we will broaden our vision to share what we are learning with your extended family, neighbors, friends, and even those we don’t know well through new opportunities.

Here are a few changes to watch for:

Our store. While our online store with physical products will go away we are working to convert many of our products and content to digital formats and DIY templates to offer to our faithful customers via an Etsy store. 

A friend challenged me several years ago to create a greeting card collection and we were never able to do it … so now is the time! We’ve now created two greeting cards already in the store; one for Mother’s Day and one for Father’s Day. Lots of other ideas are on the drawing board! Here is the link to the new Etsy store.

 

Our blog. I’ll continue to write and post content on all the topics you’ve come to expect: marriage, parenting, family relationships, holidays, celebrations, and “Dear Barbara” topics. But I’m excited to write more on topics of faith as I continue to study the Scriptures and freshly encounter God and what He has to say about issues you and I face today. Some additional study opportunities are waiting and I’m hopeful God will provide a way for me to pursue these. Stay tuned on this!

 

E-books. I love this idea my friend Jordan proposed to me. She and I will be developing these in a fun new format! We will be creating and sending to all of you at least two e-books during the remainder of 2021. The books will be relatively short for quicker reading and easier sharing with all the women in your life!

 

Bible studies. Writing Bible studies has not been on my radar in the last ten years, but it’s another idea that will help you, your family, and your friends live out your faith with convictions. I’m hopeful about the idea and eager to give it a try. I have a series of blog posts on the Holy Spirit that may be the first body of content transformed into a study for you to work through personally or to lead with other women. What do you think? I’d love to hear from you.

 

As these are rolled out, I’ll be asking you for feedback on their effectiveness and for future topics that you’d like me to go to work on.

As you can see I am very expectant about this new chapter in my life and in our relationship as sisters in Christ. As I look to the future there is one non-negotiable that will never go away for me or for us as believers: Knowing God’s Word and as a result knowing God more and more.

Why is this more important than ever?

It is very clear in the Bible that Jesus is coming back. I’m reading a couple of textbooks on this topic right now. Though there is considerable debate on the details and meaning of the Scriptures related to this promise, Jesus words were quite clear: “I go to prepare a place for you …  I will come again and will take you to myself …” (John 14:2-3). 

Jesus also told us plainly to “be on the alert” and to “watch” in Matthew. He concluded a portion of His teaching by saying, “Therefore you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect” (Matthew 24:44). 

I want to be ready and expectant when He arrives and be surrounded by as many of those I love as possible as we meet Him on that day!

I want that for you too.

Pray for me and our small team here at Ever Thine Home that we will continue to love God and share His Word with the world in relevant ways. It’s needed now more than ever.

Ever His,

Barbara

 

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My Life with Elisabeth Elliot, a Mentor Worth Following

A couple of weeks ago I had the great privilege to meet a New York Times best-selling author. While I was in Washington, D.C., for a board meeting, Ellen Vaughn met my friend Susan Yates and I for lunch, bringing with her the journal Elisabeth Elliot kept for the too-few years of her marriage to Jim. 

The journal was small, black and thin. Holding it in my hands and reading some of the entries felt almost holy. I didn’t know of this woman who would mark my life when she recorded these entries. Neither did the world. But when her marriage ended as a spear sliced its way into and through her young missionary husband’s heart, her life as a celebrity Christian began.

I first encountered Elisabeth Elliot during my college years, not knowing she would become my mentor about 15 years later. 

At the start of my sophomore year a friend invited me to a Bible study. I’d never heard of the concept but I was intrigued. The next night found Pam and me in a group of about 25 other students, men and women, where I discovered to my surprise that I was not a Christian. Eagerly I took the small booklet given to me, returned to my room, read every word and prayed to invite Jesus into my life, to give myself to His leading and Lordship. 

My declared major in college was history, but I now had a minor: Christianity. Over the next three years I attended Bible studies, group meetings, and conferences, eventually becoming a leader in our campus ministry. Those years became known as the Jesus Movement; it was a time of spiritual revival on many campuses and in churches across our country.

At one of those early conferences I first heard Elisabeth Elliot speak. Voraciously I took notes. I was in awe of her story but mostly I was drawn to her life, her example, her strength of faith. There were lots of other students and staff ahead of me in this faith journey, but none of the stature of Elisabeth. Here was a woman of faith I could emulate. I was zealous for Christ. I wanted a strong faith like hers. I wanted to be a strong woman like her. 

She gave me a vision for my new born-again faith.  Elisabeth was the kind of Christian woman I aspired to become. 

I began to read her books, and whenever I heard her speak I listened with rapt attention. 

After four short years of knowing Jesus as Savior I became the wife of my best friend from college, Dennis.  And then the babies began to arrive. In my early parenting years I often felt lost and very alone as my exciting, visionary husband traveled frequently to change the world while all I did was change diapers. I remembered those exciting college days when he and I were equally involved. But now conferences and Bible studies disappeared from my life for a season of years … replaced by books and a subscription to a printed newsletter which came to my mailbox somewhat regularly. Its creator and author was Elisabeth Elliot.

Today I remember vividly the days her four-page folded newsletter arrived in our mailbox. It was as if a treasured gift arrived  (I still have all of them in a fat 3-inch binder). I carried each installment home down our long hilly driveway, strategizing when I could steal away to read. Alone. My soul was always thirsty—panting to drink in the refreshment of her biblical teaching. 

Elisabeth was my mentor from afar during these years. She kept me grounded, reminding me that this season was a gift, that He knows what He’s doing. “God is with you,” I heard her say to my heart; He was guiding me, and my faith still mattered in that hidden season of my life.

In my kids’ teen years I devoured other books she wrote. Let Me Be a Woman and Passion and Purity became textbooks for Dennis and me as we sought to do our best to guide, protect, and help our kids keep their sexual purity for marriage. 

As a child of the late 60’s and the budding sexual revolution, and having watched its unrelenting march with the damage it brought even then, I wanted to do all I could to protect our teens’ innocence and purity. Hearing in the last few years that millennials are pushing back against our generation of parents for imposing a “purity culture” on them has been puzzling to me. Purity is a character quality of God and we are to be holy as He is holy. I would do it all over again. We have an enemy whose sole objective is to divide, destroy, and kill.

After knowing Elisabeth from her writing and speaking, I finally met her in person during this season of my kids’ teen years. She came to Little Rock to be interviewed on FamilyLife Today and she also came to our Weekend to Remember speaker retreats to speak to our group and answer questions in small sessions. 

For 25 years I’d admired her and was challenged by her courage to go to the jungles of Ecuador, her courage to continue after her husband Jim’s death, her courage to speak about her suffering and what God taught her, and her courage to just keep going day after day, year after year. 

Unsurprisingly Elisabeth was a normal woman with struggles and challenges faced by all. As in her writing so in the flesh, her ongoing surrender to the sovereignty of God, her resolve to obey Christ no matter what, is what meant the most to me. 

In one interview Dennis asked her, “Do you ever struggle with submission in this season of life?” She replied without hesitation, “With every fiber of my being.”  Once again she was mentoring me.

And she laughed and enjoyed the light-hearted banter my husband created in their interviews. He is rarely intimidated by anyone—he recognizes we are all broken people—and so he teased her, encouraged her laughter and made her comfortable sharing honestly about her present life. 

 Unlike many who have taken offense by Elisabeth’s seemingly sharp replies, I loved her bluntness, her black and white straightforward answers. She was not of this generation which fears offending anyone. It was clear where she stood. And I have a feeling Paul and the other apostles might come across equally strong if we could hear their voices speaking today.

Last summer I read her new book, Suffering Is Never for Nothing, published after her death in 2015. And once again Elisabeth spoke to my heart and soul. I could almost hear her voice on every page. Even from heaven she is mentoring me.

Hebrews 12:1-2 tells us, “Therefore since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin which clings so closely and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus …” Elisabeth has joined this throng of faith heroes and yet her words still live with us to encourage us to faith and endurance. 

And now my new friend Ellen Vaughn’s biography, Becoming Elisabeth Elliot, will introduce many more of you to this remarkable woman. In this book full of quotes from her journals and stories of her ongoing sufferings, Christian women today can find in her life a friend, an inspiration, a vision for the kind of faith God calls us to as His children.

Another woman admired greatly and also quoted by Elisabeth, Lilias Trotter, wrote, “Should Jesus tarry our works will follow us.” And so the work of this woman, my mentor from afar, still lives to point us to Jesus.

I highly recommend it for your summer reading.

May you ask God what you can learn from her example. I think she’d love to mentor you too.

The post My Life with Elisabeth Elliot, a Mentor Worth Following appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

6 Easy Ideas for an Ascension Day Celebration

 

Have you thought about doing something special for this overlooked day in the church calendar? Ascension Day is Thursday, May 13 this year.  

You probably haven’t planned anything because it’s not a popular holiday. But it was a remarkable memorable moment for the disciples as they watched Jesus ascend into Heaven. Can you imagine what that was like? There is much for us to learn about this event, so here are some simple ways to observe this day and learn more about our Savior and His return! 

 

Mom’s need easy. This list is intended to be simple and helpful if you want to join us in celebrating Ascension Day this year. No pressure, don’t stress; just six quick ideas. And they are all multiple choice! Only choose one.

A dinnertime idea. Historically, Ascension Day has been a feast day in the church. Consider making something special for dinner to surprise your family. Or create an easy pavlova, meringues, or another cloud-like dessert to celebrate the Ascension—and how Jesus will return. Here are a few verses to read as a family so everyone can participate in learning more and talking together about this significant event: Mark 16:19: According to this verse, where is Jesus? Who is He near and why is that important to us?Hebrews 7:25: What does this tell us Jesus is doing now in heaven? John 14:1-3: What else is Jesus doing? Talk about what kind of places and rooms these might be. A bedtime idea. For bedtime conversation (or any time that day) ask your kids to imagine what it must have been like to watch Jesus rise off the ground, into the air and then disappear in a cloud. Read Acts 1:6-9 together to hear what actually happened. 

 

An outside idea. If it’s not raining go outside, throw a quilt or blanket on the ground, and tell everyone to lay on their backs to look up at the sky and clouds together. Read Acts 1:11, then together imagine Jesus returning on one of the fluffiest clouds you can see. I bet some kids will try to see Him! 

An inside idea. Or if weather doesn’t permit, read the same verse and then have your kids, even teens, draw and color pictures of what they imagine they will see when Jesus returns on the clouds! Hang all the drawings in your kitchen or another prominent place for visual reminders in the days to come that He promised to return. And one day He will!

 

A teens idea. With older kids try to discuss how our lives should be different because Jesus was here with us. Ask them what they imagine it was like for the disciples after the Resurrection. Did they live as if Jesus had never come? What evidences should be obvious to us and to others that He once lived among us and is forever present with us? He promised His presence in Matthew 28:20: “Lo I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Jesus is closer to us every moment of every day than any other human can ever be!

 

A family idea. Buy some helium biodegradable balloons for the special day. Enjoy their happy presence all day. Then in late afternoon or early evening before the sun sets, take the balloons outside, read the story of Jesus’ ascension in Acts 1:6-11, write a note or message to Jesus on your balloon and then together release them. Watch them disappear into the sky and imagine His disciples watching Jesus ascend to Heaven.

I hope these suggestions are inspiring and that you’ll want to try one with your family. Ascension Day is worth marking in our lives in a celebratory way!

We’d love to hear any stories and see photos of how you celebrated with your family! 

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Looking Forward to the Real Mother’s Day

My first memories of Mother’s Day are sitting in church as a child while the minister recognized all the mothers. I remember them standing in recognition of their day, each mother wearing a corsage. It was a tradition in that generation and somehow the men knew it was part of their jobs to provide the corsages for Mother’s Day Sunday.

By the time I became a mother, corsages had vanished, but recognition in church on Sunday morning remained. In my early mom years, I felt funny standing in church … as if that role still belonged only to my mother and not to me. After God had given us three or four kids, I was firmly convinced of my new identity!

It’s an interesting metamorphosis, the rapid changes that make a woman a mother. As my daughter Ashley said during her fourth pregnancy, “I don’t know what happened to the old Ashley. She got lost somewhere along the way.” I bet you can relate too. “Mother” was who I’d become and now who my daughter had become. The vestiges of the former were now to be found only in photo albums.

Mother’s Day was usually a disappointment to me. 

The inherent promise and expectation in a day set aside to honor mothers was never met. It’s not that my husband didn’t try. He bought me something, usually a rose bush or another plant for the yard, which he knew I liked. And my kids made me sweet cards or crayoned pictures in Sunday school. They all said, “Happy Mother’s Day” and showered me with kisses and hugs. Until they needed their lunch cut up and afternoon naps. Squabbles to resolve and needs to be met did not stop on Mother’s Day.

The kind of honor I longed for and needed in those harried years of selfless, endless labor was not to be found on the second Sunday in May. Not that I’m against a day to honor mothers. Hardly. But being truly appreciated for the enormity of service to your children is not possible from children.

What I longed for was a day free from sibling rivalry and a simple, genuine, “Thanks, Mom” that was unprompted by my husband or the Sunday school teacher. In hindsight, I now understand what I longed for is only possible when your children become adults and finally parents. Then they begin to get it! And my dream of a day free from conflict was a wish for heaven.

Mothering is a ministry to the future.

It’s a very private, unseen, except by God, ministry. Like a long-term 20-year investment in which you cannot withdraw any of your money until those 20 years are up, you teach and pray and give of yourself endlessly not knowing if the work is taking root firmly until many years future. And the results aren’t always evident at 18 or 20 years.

Interestingly, it’s only now, when my children are grown, that I really appreciate my own mother. And even so, I really have no idea what sacrifices and worries and suffering she endured for me and my brothers. And now that she has gone to her forever home in heaven I miss asking her questions about so many topics, especially about her life and her faith.

But God knows all my mom suffered raising me and He knows all the pain and hardship of every mom everywhere. And one day … He will give all moms, in spite of our mistakes, ultimate honor when He says one day, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” Until that day …

Happy Mother’s Day!!!

to all who are in the trenches of that holy and mostly thankless job. I celebrate and honor you knowing well the price you pay, the sacrifices you make, the prayers you offer in secret and the loneliness you so often feel. 

May your focus be on the honor you will receive on His day and may you raise your children to walk closely with Jesus all of their days.

 

And remember, as I so often forgot in the daily-ness of life, that 

a mother’s job is laborious not because it is small and insignificant, but because 

it is gigantic and eternally important.

Mothering is the most important calling on a woman’s life if He’s given you the privilege of being a mom. And if you don’t have children God still wants to use the mothering gifts He has given you as you nurture other children through your life: teaching or coaching them at school, church, in lessons of all kinds; or in relationships as their aunt or big sister; or through your gift of writing or painting or creating which can in turn touch the lives of the next generation.

ALL Mothers can indeed change the world!

 Sending my love to all you dear moms!

 

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Friends & Family Fridays #4

Happy Spring everyone!

As this letter lands in your inbox today I will be welcoming my “girls” for the weekend. Dennis is out of town speaking at a men’s event in Minneapolis and I invited my four daughters and two daughters-in-law for a weekend of relaxing and pampering without husbands or kids! It will be short but I’d rather have them wish for more than feel it was too long. Then they may be eager to come again!

Five are coming and our one goal is to do a lot of nothing except lounging in pj’s, sleeping in if possible (we will have Laura’s baby, Emma Cate, who will be delightful entertainment), eating yummy food and favorite snacks and telling stories and laughing. 

I’ve made the beds with the best sheets, bought little gifts and fresh flowers for them all, written nightly devotions for them to read before lights out and have planned a few simple but elegant meals. The weather is supposed to be perfect and my peonies are blooming so I’ll have bouquets of my favorite flowers on the coffee table and the island. 

We may go for a leisurely walk or some may choose to hike Pinnacle Mountain which is two miles from our house. No matter how the hours unfold I’ll be here to listen, delight in their presence, and serve them in every way I can. And I can’t wait! I’ll be posting photos on Instagram, so watch for them there.

Here are a few from the “prep” work earlier this week.

An insight from God this month on the redemptive power of creating.

The story is too long to tell in the detail it deserves so I’m planning to write a post on it at some point later this year. But I wanted to share with you something God showed me about myself that I think is true about all of us created-in-His-image children.

Earlier this month after hearing some unexpected difficult news unfold in a conversation of several hours Dennis and I both got up at its conclusion and went outside. I grabbed my work gloves, clippers, kneeling pad and hat and walked to our backyard to resume work repairing a pathway that had deteriorated from the effects of our sometimes-harsh weather. 

I walked outside feeling hopeless and helpless because there was nothing I could do to change this situation. But in God’s undeserved kindness, His Holy Spirit gave me an insight, an awareness, an understanding as I began to dig and move rocks and make sense out of this small backyard mess. I saw with clarity my desire to create order and beauty as a response to the chaos and broken I had just heard was a picture of what God did at Creation and does all the time in the hearts of men and women. 

In Genesis 1:2, “The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God hovered over the face of the waters.” Out of those conditions of shapelessness, disorder, emptiness and perhaps loss and even sadness God began to redeem the nothingness into a place of light and life and beauty. 

That afternoon as I knelt on the ground, so symbolic of prayer and in a sense a posture of humility before God, I moved and leveled rocks, ordering and making them safe for walking again. And in a God-like way I was digging in the dirt with my hands, using this earth, this clay and mud, to secure the rock steps and mold new life into this pathway.

After an hour of silently creating outside in the fresh spring air I felt surprisingly refreshed, alive, hopeful again. The discouraging and deflating news we’d heard was put in its proper place–in God’s hand, not by my prayers but by my creating. By making something of beauty out of my own feelings of chaos and loss and bewilderment God created in me a new heart of hope; “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me,” (Psalm 51:10). 

Though this was a new understanding for me it is practiced everywhere in our world where people begin foundations, research, donor campaigns, and more to bring good and beauty from personal tragedies.

As I’ve reflected on my experience eager to glean as much from what God wants me to understand as possible I’ve discovered some questions … questions to which I don’t yet have answers. 

How can I take the suffering of difficult relationships and create beauty in the place of loss? What do You God want me to do in these relationships of mine?How can I create light as a carrier of the Light of the World (Matthew 5:14-16)? Every family in every generation has in its circle those who are challenging to relate to or love or understand. So learning to create goodness out of difficulty needs to be learned first at home.

On a larger scale, the same weekend I was hearing from God about creating as a way to restore and redeem I was trading emails with my dear friend Joanne who lives in Minneapolis with her pastor husband. As I listened to her stories of what was happening to people she knew, not reported on the news of course, I asked the question:

“What can believers do to create beauty and redemption in the chaos and disorder that is reigning in that city right now? It is not yet in my town, my city, but it is coming. What can we do then?”

I’m listening and waiting to hear what He says.

As is so true of God He most often works in secret, in hidden ways, behind the scenes. The entire Sermon on the Mount addresses these questions, but Matthew 6:1-14 specifically describes serving in secret. I’m confident there are unknown unnamed believers who are working to restore order and create beauty and hope in Minneapolis. But I believe God is waiting for more of His children to ask Him what they can do. 

This month’s letter therefore is a call to pray and listen and then to pursue ways to mirror the redemptive work of God. Our spheres of influence are a series of ever widening circles, beginning in our families. Start imagining how to create redemption at home first. Then we must ask how can we do the same in our neighborhood, our community, our city, region or state.

God has called us to push back against evil but always in humility and love as servants just as Jesus did. Today Christians are not known for our love. We are known for our anger, our demands, our defensiveness or our refusal to be in relationship with certain family members. Again Jesus addresses all of these common issues in the Sermon on the Mount, specifically in chapter five.

I would love to know your thoughts in response to my questions. 

You who live with difficult painful family relationships: what has God shown you to do that is redemptive and healing?You who live in cities experiencing unrest and high levels of anxiety: what are you seeing God’s people do? 

We will not find our example, our model of how to respond from any news source.

Our example is Christ alone who modeled perfectly the life we were created for in Eden. Our goal must be to become more like Jesus every day no matter the cost. 

I hope you will invite God to reveal Himself more and more to you so we will become more and more like Jesus. It’s God’s big purpose for each one of us.

Hope to hear from you!

Enjoy these spring days.

Barbara

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When Following is Dangerous: Refusing Bad Marital Dance Steps

Dear Barbara: What am I supposed to do when my husband is leading me into territory that I don’t think is healthy or holy? And he won’t listen?

 

Dear Daughters of Eve:

A few years ago Dennis and I signed up for dance lessons. If you had been there to watch, you would have enjoyed many laughs. Happily, we weren’t the only novices in the room, bumbling through one step and then another. Thankfully the instructors were always watching and stepped in to help. They showed us the right way, and we’d attempt to imitate them again. 

The question we wives have to ask ourselves in the dance of marriage is this: Is my husband leading me to a place I can’t see clearly (and it makes me nervous or afraid), or do I think he’s not following the Instructor’s teaching at all? There is a big difference.

Marriage is very much like the intricate steps and patterns of a dance. 

In most dances the man leads and moves forward, while the woman follows moving backward. Without lots of practice and trust in one another both partners can suffer injuries. Similarly, the art of allowing your husband to lead and following that lead by faith is not without risks. It can even be frightening at times. 

Most of the time I see what is coming in our marriage because we communicate about virtually everything. But sometimes unexpected interruptions or circumstances invade your life or seasons of stress make following much more difficult. 

So what if you do feel your husband is steering you onto an unhealthy or unholy dance floor? The starting-point truth is that a woman should never follow her husband into sin—like following his request to lie, cheat, view pornography, enter into illicit sexual situations, dishonor his or your parents, or break the law in some way. 

A husband who is willfully choosing sin is making grave mistakes, and when he asks his wife to join him she must refuse. That kind of following is not required. A woman who makes “a claim to godliness” (1 Timothy 2:10, NASB) must follow Christ first; Jesus will never ask you to choose sin, even if it requires you to take a step away from your husband for a time. 

But even in this terrible circumstance, a wife can still have an attitude that seeks to honor her husband, while expressing deep sadness over his choices. People have value apart from their actions.

Remind your husband of your love and commitment to him, but always seek to choose right over wrong, God’s way over sin, and encourage him to do the same. Put ultimate trust in God. A favorite verse of mine is Isaiah 33:6:, “And he will be the stability of your times.” It speaks to the One who is constant even when circumstances in a marriage or in the world scream distress.

Following in marriage is first of all a heart to follow God, so hear me in this—if he doesn’t respond to your encouragement and God’s to get back onto a healthy and holy dance floor, it is then time to seek out a godly counselor. There are amazingly gifted people who can help you with any issue you face and help you get back on track. Ultimately, as a wife, let God use the example of your own life, trusting God supremely to convince your husband to reconsider his ways.

No husband is perfect. 

Every husband will make decisions that will impact his family negatively. Your husband can’t see in 360 degrees, which means he can’t make perfect decisions. Most husbands don’t intend to cause their wives or children harm or suffering. But following an imperfect man, which all married women must do, means there will be difficult circumstances and some suffering as a result. 

Still, God is saying, “Do you believe my design is very good? Will you trust me?” Or is He saying to you, “This is a dangerous, unholy path. Step away and call to your husband, remind him of your love, and pray the truth will be revealed to him”?

Women are powerful. Listen carefully to God if He’s igniting alarm in your heart about sin. Stand strong and true.

Marriage is a delicate dance of balance. 

Remember too that your husband is still growing, and God is nurturing him to become “an oak of righteousness” (Isaiah 61:3). Learning to lead takes years and years. He will make mistakes. Lots of them. You can help him become that strong oak tree by encouraging his leadership, continuing to believe in him and praying for him throughout your life together, even if he gets off track for a time. 

Patience is abundant with God, but sadly sometimes, we wives possess a shallow supply.

May God guide you and may you follow Him closely in your journey.

Still, still learning to follow,

 

Barbara

 

This post was adapted with permission from my book, Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife , ©2016, Bethany House Publishers. If you enjoyed reading this, you’ll find many more letters in the book about different issues that come up in marriage. It’s on sale in our online store .

 

If you enjoyed reading this, check out some additional posts on relating to your husband in difficult circumstances:

“5 Ways to Believe the Best About Your Husband When You Think He’s Failing”

“Dear Barbara: How Do I Not Resent My Husband?”

“Dear Mom: What If I Want to Quit?”

The post When Following is Dangerous: Refusing Bad Marital Dance Steps appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

“Becoming Small” in the Lives of Your Adult Children

My good friend, Jane Ann Smith, who also has six children and is about 10 years ahead of me in life’s journey, has given me lots of good advice over the years. As I began my empty nest years, I continued to watch her, ask questions and learn from her.

A few years later when Susan Yates and I were writing our empty nest book, I e-mailed Jane Ann for her thoughts on what she was learning in the empty nest. Her response was well thought out and, as always, very wise:

I had just survived a big conflict with one of my children and a friend told me that I needed to learn to “become smaller” in my family. I had become big in my family because my doctor husband had been gone a lot and my six children needed me. I had become a controller without even knowing when it happened.  

Almost 45 years later, with all the children grown, I was still way too big in their lives. They still expected me to treat the wounds and fix broken things, and when I couldn’t, some of them resented me. And I couldn’t imagine not being a part of their lives.

As I prayed about how to do this “becoming smaller,” God showed me that I didn’t need to talk so much . This may sound simple, but it wasn’t easy for me. I had always thought it was my duty to express my ideas on whatever subject was on the table and have the last word. Wasn’t I always the one who was older and had superior knowledge and experience?

As I’ve been practicing this, I’ve learned that I can walk away from a complicated conversation and hardly be missed. I was establishing healthy emotional boundaries for myself rather than allowing myself to be drawn into the fray. Another thing I’m learning is that as I become smaller, my husband is becoming bigger, as he should. For all the years I was in control, he had often given up trying and just let me be the most important person in the children’s lives.

I realized that I had desperately wanted my children to see all that I had done and was doing for them. I wanted them to somehow affirm that I had done a good job but how could they if I never stopped? I have much left to learn, but I believe I am setting a better example now to my children of how to bow out gracefully as one day they will have to allow their children to emerge when they become adults.

We can’t fix our kids’ problems

These words from my friend were so good for me to hear when she sent them, and they still are today. All moms understand Jane Ann’s desire for her kids to need her and to affirm her good work in their lives, and yet that is not where we should be looking for approval.

As Dennis and I watch our children struggle with different issues as adults, or express surprisingly different opinions on how they should raise their children, or try to manage their own families and extended families, we too are learning we must become small. We cannot fix their relational issues.

Recently I’ve read a book which discusses a topic called “benevolent detachment.” It’s another way to express becoming small in your adult children’s lives. Detachment means exactly what the word implies: disentangling yourself from the details and emotions of your children’s lives. But this doesn’t mean rejecting them or  giving “the cold shoulder”—it’s benevolent. You remain loving, interested, and caring toward your grown children. 

I am continuing to practice this big idea: becoming small and benevolently detached. It’s healthy for me because I can’t and shouldn’t be involved in fixing or solving. It’s healthy for them because that is how they will grow and learn. 

Our children can’t learn to call on God if they are always calling on us.

There is beauty, freedom and peace in letting go of your adult children—learning when to give advice, and when to let them figure it out on their own. We give advice when asked, but not unless we are asked. They are adults and have to figure this out. It’s hard to step back, but Jane Ann is right—it’s much healthier and, in the long run, much easier when we let go.

 

 

Have you listened to Barbara’s new podcast? Visit our new podcast page and listen to some of the new episodes, each about 20 minutes long:

Forgiveness Is a Gift Forgive Frequently Q&A With Barbara on Parenting  

 

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How to Be Intentional in Building Close-Knit Families

I’m delighted today to introduce you to my friend Susan Yates. Susan is one of the most intentional people I know and her post today is full of ways to create a strong healthy family and ideas for creating fun relationships. Summer is coming soon and now is the time to start planning for family gatherings even if they look different than in the past. Everyone needs a family that is supportive in spite of our sin and brokenness. Susan’s wisdom will help you create that environment with your own family. Enjoy!

Barbara

Are you tired of being cooped up, ready for real family time, even a reunion? Do you long for a family that’s close but wonder how to help this happen? 

You may be saying, “But my family’s a mess. I’m tired of being isolated, tired of my kids, tired of my life, too tired to even think about building a close-knit family.” Or you may be a grandparent who longs to connect with your adult children and grandchildren but aren’t sure of the best way to do this. 

 

Here are four things to consider:

There is no perfect family.

We are all a mess to some degree. Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest are only images. Behind every photo is a self-centered person. One who has used ugly words, done awful things, hurt other people, and even discovered they don’t like themselves very much. 

It helps to remember that God is not shocked by your situation, by your wounds, or by your history. He’s seen it all. And there’s nothing He can’t forgive, nothing He can’t change, and no one He can’t heal. As Luke says, “For nothing will be impossible with God” (Luke 1:37).

So no matter where you come from or your current marital status, you can be the first generation of a healthy family. God has given you your particular family and His desire is to bless it.   

Let grace rule.

You may have a difficult relationship with your daughter-in-law. You wonder if she likes you. Or your son may be in a hard place, and you feel him withdrawing from you and the family. 

Cousins may not have much in common or may even dislike each other. Decide now to set aside your assumptions and choose to let grace rule. This may involve choosing kind words (Proverbs 16:24) or remaining silent when offended (Proverbs 17:28; 19:11). As Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

Be quick to forgive.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to go to my husband and to my children (and friends too) and say, “I need to ask you to forgive me for___. Will you please forgive me?” I can’t remember a single time I’ve felt like doing this. I’d much rather chime in with, “But if you had or hadn’t done this … ” 

We go to one another to ask for forgiveness not out of feelings but out of obedience. God has called us to do this. Feelings and trust take time to be healed and restored, often a long time. But asking forgiveness opens the door to allow healing to take place and trust to begin to be rebuilt. A close-knit family will be one that practices forgiveness a lot!

Plan a family reunion or a camp for your grandkids.

It’s difficult to feel close to someone you don’t see or don’t even know. Families are often separated by geography and this year in particular we’ve felt that distance all too keenly. 

But things are changing!

Now is an opportune time to plan a family event. Social distancing rules are easing, and we are desperate to re-connect. Hungry for community, longing for hugs! Some grandparents have not seen their grandkids in over a year or even met a new baby. Parents want their kids to know their cousins. Perhaps one blessing of Covid is that we have realized afresh how much we need each other. 

So I’d like to encourage you to plan a camp for your grandkids or some type of family reunion. Every family is unique, and you will have to determine what is best for your particular family in this current season.

 

For 11 years my husband John and I have hosted an annual “Cousin Camp.” We want our grandchildren from five different families living in different places to know one another. You have to be age four to come to our camp. We started with five children and for the past three camps all 21 of our grandchildren attended.

Here’s how to begin:

Decide with your husband or wife the type of event that would be best for your family. If you are a single parent enlist another family member to co-host this event with you. Decide who will be invited. Determine the best dates and the location. You will need to talk to the participants to get some general feel of schedules. It’s unlikely that everyone will be able to attend, so go for the majority and set the date. You don’t have to go someplace fancy. Ours is held at our little farm and kids sleep together on floors and in closets! 

I have written a book about our camps that can be your guide to planning a camp for your grandkids. It contains concepts like balancing realistic expectations with surprises, a detailed daily schedule, how to create a buddy system, choosing teams, Bibles studies for morning devotionals, crazy traditions like the “gutter banana split,” and the most amazing obstacle course.

The book has a whole section on what others have done, including adult retreats, a day-long extended family reunion with a theme, a single aunt who hosts her nieces and nephews and neighbors, and many other ideas. 

 

 

You can order Susan’s book, Cousin Camp, here. You can also find some of her Cousin Camp videos on her website (scroll down to the bottom of that page to see the blog posts). If you schedule a camp or reunion, be sure to let Susan know when you schedule it so she can pray for you while you are hosting it. Also, sign up for her blog and as a bonus you can download four One Word Cards with original artwork, calligraphy, one character trait of God, a verse, and a thought. 

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In the Days After Easter

Yesterday we marked the anniversary of the most miraculous moment since the dawn of time. Today, though, are we changed by the remembrance?

Or are you like Martha this Monday morning … already moving on from the anniversary of the Resurrection to your to-do list? 

All humans tend to see more clearly in reverse; hindsight is 20/20, we say. Small details, words quickly forgotten, and missed clues sometimes become brilliantly obvious when we look back. “Easter morning is the turning point of world history” said Trevin Wax, so let’s not leave the scene too quickly.

I invite you to look back with me for a few minutes. Let’s gaze at a few details from Resurrection’s dawn with the clarity of hindsight and the Spirit’s illumination. 

As the sun crested the horizon on the first Easter morn, its warmth touched a group of women gathered in the morning’s chill beside a stone tomb. The four Gospels name them, which is most interesting for that era and therefore most important to the Author: Mary Magdalene; Mary, the mother of James; the other Mary; Salome; Joanna; the women from Galilee, and other women. 

But … why were no men present?

Was it typically the woman’s duty to care for the bodies of the departed? Or were the men kept away by the facts—Jesus was dead and everyone knows death is final. End of story.

Again, why? What has God created specifically in women that drove this group to the tomb that Sunday morning “that they might anoint Him” (Mark 16:1-2). I imagine a couple of these women had volunteered to do the traditional anointing but others asked, “Can I come with you” as women often do to share our sorrows and joys.

Jesus was like family, and women are devoted to their families. We believe the best about those they love, and we like the companionship of laboring together. So these women went to be near the One they loved.

Have you been willing to go near to God even when He seemed dead … silent … unresponsive to you? 

Because these women dared to go near … 

… they were the very first to discover the tomb was empty (John 20:1).

… they were the first to hear the news “He has risen, just as He said” (Matthew 28:5-7, Luke 24:6-7).

… they saw and conversed with two angels at the tomb (John 20:12-13).

… they were the first to see Jesus alive (John 20:14-16).

… they were the first to believe and worship Him (Matthew 28:8-9).

Here at the tomb we see Jesus honor His female disciples who were quick to recognize and believe the impossible. He gave them the first sighting of His resurrected life! Their eager, welcoming faith was abundantly rewarded.  

After hearing the women’s unbelievable report, only two men were curious enough to run and see for themselves. Peter and John hurried to the tomb. John “saw and believed,” he wrote in John 20:8. Later, Jesus rebuked the other disciples as group for not believing the report of these faithful women. Mark 16:14 says, “He rebuked them for their unbelief and hardness of heart.”

What can we learn for today from these brief glimpses into the scene of that morning miracle? 

Belief in God is supremely important to Him. Though we waver often between belief and unbelief Easter reminds us to always lean toward belief even if we feel crazy doing so.

God likes it when we choose to go to Him, to be near Him. James 4:8 tells us, “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” Will you take steps toward Him? He rewarded the women, so be confident your turning to Him will not go unnoticed. Trust Him for how He chooses to respond to you knowing His ways are always best.

The end of the story is never the end. You may be facing a dead end in your life, but the Resurrection is a reminder that God knows how to raise the dead.

The empty tomb reminds us nothing is too hard for God. Choose to believe God even with impossible situations and people. Don’t let facts keep you distant when you can go near to Him. (Be sure to read my recent post on “When Life Seems Impossible, Can God Still Work?”)

One last question for today: Are you open to remaining stunned by this incomprehensible miracle? How can you remain awed by Jesus?

Many of us will have situations today or soon that will offer a choice: We can believe that God “is able” (Hebrews 2:18; 7:25) because of what He did yesterday, or we can respond like many in the Gospels who refused to believe, would not believe, or thought the resurrection nonsense.

Will you be quick to believe? Choosing to believe keeps the door open to what God wants to do. This is one way we remain awed by Jesus

Will you let the wonder and miracles of the Resurrection influence your life every day this week? Will you resist the pull to return to normal living? This is also how we live in the wonder of the resurrection; resisting the tinsel and temptations of the world and keeping our souls satisfied by Christ alone.

For me today and always, I want my life to be characterized by wonder that my God has conquered death and therefore my small problems and difficulties are nothing He cannot also conquer. I want His victory over death to mark my life every day with wonder, great joy, and a faith that marvels even as I wait imperfectly to join His Resurrection.

Today God’s word says to us, “Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you” (Isaiah 60:1).

Christ is risen!

He is risen indeed!!!

 

 

If you enjoyed this, check out some other post-Easter thoughts from Barbara:

“Savoring the Savior”

“Marys and Soul Sisters”

“Post Resurrection: Day 3”

 

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I AM the Resurrection and the Life

“I AM the Resurrection and the Life.
Whoever believes in Me, though He die,
yet shall He live.”
John 11:25

Today we have arrived at the summit! The pinnacle moment of our faith. 

The tomb is empty … grave clothes vacant … stone rolled away! The Lamb of God has taken away the sins of the world!!! 

Celebrate today as no other day or event all year. 

 

Christ is risen!

Christ is risen indeed!!!

 

Hallelujah what a Savior!

Happy Easter everyone!

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