Barbara Rainey's Blog, page 21

Friends & Family Fridays #9

 

Hello friends!

I’m excited to finally get to tell you about some of what I’m learning in seminary! It’s been a full month of jumping through lots of new student hoops, but finally I’m getting into my class work and I’m eager to share.

I also want to talk about some amazing God moments we saw and experienced and take a look at what’s coming on the blog in October.

Seminary lessons

My first class this semester is Bible Study Methods and Hermeneutics (a strange word meaning interpretation). Our first two assignments have been to observe one verse in detail, Acts 1:8, and without looking at verses before or after or at any commentaries or notes, to find 25 facts and obvious details. The verse reads, “but you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be My witnesses in Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria and to the remotest part of the earth.”

For example, starting with the first word but, here are two observations:

The word but is not capitalized (in the NASB), which indicates a continuation of a previously unfinished thought.But is a conjunction indicating a contrast or a change in what’s about to be said from what was said.

From the second word you:

You is the audience of this verse.We don’t know if it’s one person or many.

And so the process goes. It may seem dull and obvious, but paying attention to the details and nuances of the Words of God Himself will cumulatively help us understand what God is saying and why it matters to patiently listen to Him.

In the class lectures following two weeks of finding observations about one verse, we then enjoyed looking at the greater context of Acts 1:1-11—the reward for two weeks of detail work. Here are a few very interesting details:

Luke, the author of Acts and the book of Luke, knew the apostles! Personally. Think about that for a minute. He was friends with John and Peter and Paul and probably more of the 12. He had conversations with these who saw Jesus daily for His three years of ministry. It’s possible Luke saw the risen Christ at one of His appearances.A man addressed as “most excellent Theopholis” was named by Luke in both of his books. Theophilis was a wealthy Roman of high social status, hence the honored salutation by Luke, who scholars believe inquired about the man Jesus and requested letters about Him and His teachings.

Like patrons or sponsors of artists in the Renaissance era like Michaelangelo, it’s believed Theophilis funded Luke’s work in recording the details of the life of Jesus and then the history of the early church as it spread across the Roman world. Therefore, these books are addressed to him in honor of his financial investment in writing the story of Jesus from first hand witnesses.

Related to verse 8 are, of course, verses 6-7, which read, “ … they asked Him, “Lord will you at this time restore the kingdom to Israel?” He said to them, “It is not for you to know times or epochs which the Father has fixed by His own authority; but you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be My witnesses …”

The disciples understood the promises of the kingdom to come recorded in the Old Testament. They had heard Jesus teach repeatedly on the kingdom of God to come. They’d watched the Son of God conquer death; He was now clearly invincible. That alone made Him a king unlike any other. And for 40 days Jesus had walked around on earth with them. So it was logical for them question: Was He here to stay and to rule on earth?

Our Savior is so kind to us. He was not exasperated with His disciples that once again they didn’t understand. They were actually correct about the expectation of the kingdom and He affirmed them, didn’t rebuke them.

But they were wrong on the timing. The Father is the Keeper of the clock, so let the timing go, Jesus was saying. Instead Jesus revealed the next phase of God’s plan: taking the story of Jesus to the world. It’s not time for the Kingdom on earth, but it is time for you to be my witnesses.

Jesus revealed just before He ascended into heaven the next phase of God’s plan and the key to the rest of the entire New Testament yet to come.

It’s been fun to learn these new details about Jesus that I never knew before! Hope they encourage you, too!

 

Have you ever had a divine appointment?

As if to illustrate and give life to Acts 1:1-11 for me, God orchestrated several divine appointments for us as we traveled to Cincinnati for the Christian Alliance for Orphans annual summit. A divine appointment is an encounter with someone that is clearly not coincidental.

First, on our flight we sat next to a flight attendant who wanted to share her story. We encouraged her to go to the Weekend to Remember marriage getaway to learn about marriage even though she is now single. She’s already emailed us saying she’s registered to attend.

With Jedd Medefind, President of Christian Alliance for Orphans

During the conference we met several parents who had used Passport to Purity with their kids and raved about it. We talked to Diego Fuller and his father Bishop Blake, who have the most remarkable stories about Diego and his five foster brothers, all now adults. They are writing to tell the stories of what God did, and we are hoping we can help then get them in print. The world needs to hear. You can check out Diego on Instagram at iamdiegofuller. He’s written a great Christian rap song called “Engrafted”!

Diego Fuller, Dennis and Bishop Blake

 

Speaking on marriage at the Summit

Then, as we were getting our last coffee and bacon gruyere egg bites at Starbucks before driving to the airport, we met a man who had just filled a huge thermos with coffee. I asked about his coffee volume and we began to talk. He has a fiancée and was interested in all we had to share. Who knows if he will look up any of our content, but it was a sweet positive conversation with a dear man who has worked through lots of hard things in his life.

 

October … can you believe it’s almost here?

I’ll be putting up blog posts on these topics, which I hope will be of interest to you, your family or to someone you know. Be sure to share them widely!

How to Forgive Your ParentsWhat Has God Built In You to Do?Why Your Marriage Matters, Part I and IIWhen Your Kids Drive You Crazy With Questions

I’m also working on a post about parenting kids with disabilities which I’m excited to share. And I’m working on another ebook on gratitude that we hope to send later in October or the first of November.

We also have several new podcasts coming in late September and into October, so if you prefer getting content via audio, watch for those in your inbox as well.

Finally, I wanted to thank you again for all your questions and comments in response to July’s letter. I wrote a blog post with answers to two great questions and intend to reply to more, but getting started in seminary has taken more time than I expected. Hopefully I’ll get to them soon. And if you have any more questions about life or family that you’d like me to tackle, please let me know by using the comments section for this blog post.

 

Happy Fall!!

Barbara

 

P.S. Since we got home from the Summit conference I’ve bought pumpkins and have started decorating my porch which is always a happy thing for me to do. I’m not finished but here’s how it looks so far!

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Dear Barbara: How Do I Convince My Husband to Change?

 

 

Dear Barbara: How do I convince my husband to change? There are certain areas we’ve been fighting about for years now. And I really am right. How can I get him to see it? 

The moment I married Dennis, I knew I was in for an adventure. He wasn’t just different in his interests. His recipe for life was positively foreign. We were like oil and water, constantly separating in our jar. We still cannot be more different. (Note the present tense!)

For example, I remember Dennis would get an idea and be off and running. I, on the other hand, was used to thinking through things and evaluating before acting. Often during our first year of marriage I felt left in the dust.

Dennis was expressive and always asking questions; I tended to be quiet and cautious, thinking about what I wanted to say before I said it. I felt overexposed.

It’s fair to say that the unique, fresh traits that attracted me to my spouse became tiresome or irritating after years, or even months, of marriage. When I encounter these clashes, I learned I have choices:

Do I communicate disdain for a trait I now feel is flawed?Will I withdraw to avoid dealing with it?Should I try to change him?Do we talk about it?

One day a couple years into our marriage adventure I decided to press for a change in my husband. I realized while doing the laundry for the umpteenth time that my husband’s tee shirts, boxers, and socks were always inside out. How inconsiderate! But still I took the time to reverse his clothes right side out and then fold them.

One day I asked him if he would change his habit so that my job would be easier. His answer surprised me: “That’s the way I’ve always done it. I’m a man and men do that.”

He wasn’t angry … flippant is more like it. Saving a minute or two of time wasn’t worth the effort, was the message I heard.

About 10 years later I decided to ask again. With laundry for eight people, I was desperate to save any time I could. This time I explained that inside out clothes weren’t a deal breaker for our marriage. I told him that it would be really helpful if he would change the way he’d always taken his clothes off. And this time he happily agreed.

Both of us were more mature. New habits take time, but he wanted to lighten my load and made it a point to cooperate for my sake.

I know there were (and are) things that I’ve wished to change about my husband that are much deeper than dirty laundry. But the truth of the matter is that I honestly don’t have the persuasion, the argumentative skills, and most importantly the power to change a single one. Only God can change people’s hearts and habits.

 

 

A young wife I know faced a challenge in her husband that did need to be corrected. She shared with me that her husband viewed pornography, repented, and then got back into it. She felt she needed to press for change, and I agreed. This kind of deep change in a man’s life is crucial because it was a pattern of sin.

She began to seek good council from mentors and then from a trained godly professional counselor. Together, they made a plan for actions she could take to get her husband’s attention in a respectful way. He did change, and their marriage is healthy today. Unholy lifestyle choices, which are offensive to God, should be addressed and changed.

But personality traits, natural gifting and skills (and the lack thereof), personal preferences, and emotional wiring cannot be changed. They are not sinful. The expression of those from birth traits can be sinful or unhealthy but can be coached, refined, and developed.

I’ve learned to let my husband be who He is, who God made him to be. Most of the time. We aren’t perfect and have not arrived. And he’s learned to be sensitive to how his spontaneity and other preferences impact me. Today he’s much more willing to adjust his natural bents out of love for me.

I imagine you, too, have discovered there is much that cannot be changed in your husband. The wise wife learns to accept those differences. Instead of nagging and pestering and scheming to force the change, she learns to trust God to do any changing or moderating on His timetable. She also learns to ask God to change her heart to be more gracious to her husband and surrendered to God for His plan and timing.

Learning to understand and fully appreciate this other human being for who he is and who he is becoming opens the door to peace. Accepting and appreciating his oppositeness—that he will never be like you, nor you like him—keeps us from becoming critical and resentful.

We are still, after 49 years of marriage, very very different people. With the help of God’s Spirit we’ve actually learned to appreciate and enjoy those differences and idiosyncrasies instead of resenting and being repelled by them anymore.

If you enjoyed this post by Barbara, be sure to check out this additional content:

“Dear Barbara: What If I Want to Quit?”

“Dear Barbara: How Do I Not Resent My Husband?”

 

 

The post Dear Barbara: How Do I Convince My Husband to Change? appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

Welcome the Seasons, Surrender to the Seasons

 

September sunrises awaken with refreshingly cool air. Autumn sunsets showcase glory just past suppertime. Interrupting fall’s dawning beauty are marketing campaigns for new TV shows and movies which tell us the world is about to end as aliens invade and warming seas submerge our shores. And if you hear snippets of news at all or talk to others who do you know trust is at an all-time low and fear over the future of our country is at an all-time high.

Let’s talk about that fear.

Most of you are women who have believed in Jesus for salvation and have therefore acknowledged the Bible, His words to us, as true. This is a favorite verse of mine when I hear fears pumped into us by many with megaphones in media, science, and government.

“While the earth remains, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night, shall not cease” said the Lord God (Genesis 8:22). The regular rhythm of seasons, the annual cycles of weather, planting, harvesting, and dormancy will remain constant. He promised. I believe His word.

A second verse that gives me calm in the midst of the current fear-based climate is Hebrews 13:8, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” I believe this too and repeat it regularly.

So grab a pumpkin-spiced something as we look at God’s design for seasons in our lives as women.

Recently I had coffee with a dear friend, Carrie. Nothing pumpkin was yet available, so we sweetened our coffee with mocha and the chemistry of our always-instant connection. She’s a young 40-something mom of two and bursting with questions about parenting, marriage, and career. We feed each other’s souls. She gives me affirmation that I have a few things to say of value, and I give her affirmation that she’s not ruining her little ones! We also revisited the topic of finding value in the thankless, mundane, unseen season of motherhood.

I’ve spent many hours musing on this idea of seasons in a woman’s life as I’ve observed women on social media who are married with kids at home give so much time to their own ministries, blogs, conference speaking, book writing, seminar leading and careers. Some seem to be okay; others are not. I worry about them all.

I’ve wondered. What do we women from different generations have in common? What did I miss in my generation? What are they missing today? What is different about my friend’s and my daughter’s generation?

I have some observations. I also have some wisdom. I know their stories are not yet to the halfway mark while mine is nearing the later chapters. There will be an ending for us all. Will it be a happy faith-filled one?

I know I don’t know the ending or the answers we each seek. But I do know Someone who does. He knows all questions before we ask and He has answers for each one of us.

Being in Christ Unites Us as Women

If you make a claim to godliness (1 Timothy 2:10) … and you have made that claim if you have been bought with a price (1 Corinthians 6:20) … if you have been chosen and adopted by God (Ephesians 1:4) … if you have a seat at His table (Ephesians 2:6) … you are above all else His daughter. He is your Master, your Lord. His plan for your life is the one to discover and follow. Not your own or what everyone else is doing.

Important for this conversation is the truth that God deals with us as unique individuals. Though His redemption plan is for millions, He sees us as a Father sees His children, each one of a kind. Ephesians 2:10 tells us, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which He prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”

Every woman is created uniquely with a one-of-a-kind blend of gifts, talents, needs, and callings. God’s stated desire is for us to use what He has given in the works He has planned. He is Lord. We are not.

As Carrie and I sipped our needed afternoon fuel boost, I told her I think her generation has harder choices than mine. Here’s why.

In the 1970s, 80s and into the 90s, most Christian women who could afford financially to stay home full-time with their kids did so. There was comfort in knowing we weren’t alone, even if we never saw each other.

The culture, however, was shifting. The pressure to have a full-time job, a career, and to become equal with men in the world of work, was swiftly gaining momentum. I felt it as did most women in my generation. And now, I told Carrie, the change is here to stay.

I had no desire to have a career in the workplace, but I did want to change the world. And I did desire to develop my tiny talent as an artist. You can read my personal story here, but the most important facts are these:

My life belonged then and now to Jesus Christ. All of my life, including my God-given gifts, abilities, talents and my limitations and weaknesses, were given to me to steward and subject to His intended purposes and plans. When I surrendered all, I surrendered all. My calling as a wife and mother were also His gifts to me. It was and is now His will that I steward these my people and these relationships.They are His.I believed then and now in His sovereign rule of the world and my little tiny life. It is His business to rule my life. It is mine to obey and follow.He makes eyes to see or be blind, ears to hear or be deaf (Exodus 4:11). The question I asked as I wrestled with my talents that seemed to be latent, unused, and dying was the same question asked of Jesus about the man born blind (John:1-12). Why would God give Him eyes but no sight? Why would God give me creativity, a desire to paint, but no expression? The answer for the blind man, for me and for all of us is the same.  His intention, though it makes no sense to us at times, is that we might see the glory of God. I also believed then and now in the long view of life. I believed in seasons. Farmers have seasons of drought, of crops ruined by summer hailstorms, and they welcome other seasons of plenty and abundance.My years of bearing and raising children were a season. It would not last forever. I knew that. Believed that. And now it’s over.

Trusting God is not easy for me. I want to know the outcome. I want to know the whys. I want to see and understand what God is doing.

Do you too? But His wise and loving way is for us to trust Him, to walk by faith. Therefore when I decided to put away my paints, to set aside my artwork and the development of my talents, I chose to believe by faith that He knew best. I literally said to Him, “It is Your business what you want with my life. If You choose to give me talents and then choose not to use them, that’s Your call and I will trust You.”

When I set aside my painting, I did not quit being creative. I did not kill my desire to create any more than a person who is blind has surgery to remove his eyes. I continued to create but in ways that worked with God’s clear leading for me to invest first at home.

It seemed for so many years that the future would never come. I was swimming in children and their endless always-changing needs, along with marriage and husband needs, that I feared there would be nothing left of me when the last one left home. But just as surely as harvest follows harvest and autumn follows summer, so my season of mommying began to change.

What’s so beautiful about God’s seasonal timing is that He not only gave back the opportunity to paint as I started lessons while my youngest kids were in high school, but He also opened a door for writing, creating a product line, and more than I ever imagined in my 20s and 30s. Decades of parenting had matured me. Silently I had acquired wisdom. In those unseen hours and days of mundane toil and work, peppered with failures and begging prayers, God was quietly, steadily building endurance (James 1:3) and faith (Hebrews 11:1) and the knowledge of Him (Ephesians 1:17).

Encouragement For Your Generation

I said earlier that I have a few observations for your generation. Not answers, remember?

If Jesus doesn’t return soon, or call you home, there will be other seasons in the future beyond the intensity of parenting for you to fully develop your gifts and talents for His purposes.God’s Word makes it clear that some relationships are more important than others.We call those priorities and they are, in order: relationship with God, with spouse, and with children. Growing each of these takes lots of time. They cannot be fast tracked any more than growing acres of corn or wheat. Remember this promise: “In due season we will reap, if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).Every woman’s purpose, circumstances and relationships are unique and one of a kind.I have four daughters and two daughters-in-law each with children still at home. All are at this time financially able, in various ways, to fully invest in their children. One daughter who has two children, both in elementary, is working full-time in the girls school because they need the extra income to save and buy a house someday. A daughter-in-law, with four children, has gone back to work part time now that their youngest just started kindergarten, both for extra income and to keep her dental hygienist skills sharp. And my oldest just got hired to lead the women’s ministry in her church. Her boys are all in school so she can do her ministry work during school hours and still be investing in the boys when they aren’t in school.

I have many other friends also in this season of life, who are working in ministries or jobs that fit with their family’s stages and needs, including Carrie, a free-lance designer who is often hired for small design projects she can do from home.

Rest in what God has for you. Don’t compare.

Ministry can become a mistress.This used to be true just for men but it is now equally true for women. From leading one’s own ministry to women, to being the women’s or children’s ministry director at your church, the struggle of balancing the needs of others with the needs of your own family and marriage is a very real challenge. Just as men have lost their marriages because they gave their lives to ministry, so women are now experiencing the same.It is impossible to do it all.Even though we have more conveniences than ever, we also have almost endless of choices that eat time and energy and detract from what matters most: your three most important relationships … God, spouse, and children.If you can afford it, you can pay to have someone clean your house, cooking your food, even do your laundry and gardening and yard work. But you can’t pay someone or delegate the work of marriage or parenting to others. God has made it abundantly clear in His word that it is our work, our stewardship to which we are called. We are His ambassadors, His runners in the relay race of the gospel. Your relay team is your family. Run that race well now.

Ecclesiastes 3 declares, “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” Have you surrendered to God’s timing and His work for you in this season of your life? Or are you trying to do it all?

A saint now residing in heaven once said,

“In all Christians, Christ is present.

In many Christians, Christ is prominent.

In a few Christians, Christ is pre-eminent.”

Is He prominent or is He pre-eminent which means He is Lord of all you do. Do you invite Him into every decision?

Who owns your life is the question we each must answer no matter what season we are in.

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How Do I Know It’s the Holy Spirit? 5 Ways to Recognize God’s Voice

 

Do you know of Elijah, prophet of God, who challenged 950 idol worshipers to a contest to see whose God was best? With thousands of spectators watching, the competition of gods felt like a championship football game or soccer match.

Whose god was the real God? They all wanted to know.

Each side laid a sacrifice on a wooden altar, but neither one was allowed to set fire to their sacrifice. The agreed upon rules stated each side had to cry out to their respective god to provide the flames.

Elijah, the one-man team, convincingly conquered the powerless opposition when God dramatically answered his prayer. Sending fire from the sky, God’s power burned up the ox offering, the wood altar, and 12 stones stacked beneath. God’s fire even “licked up the water that was in the trench” around the altar.

The audience who saw even stones and water consumed in flames responded by falling on their faces and saying, “The Lord, He is God …” (1 Kings 18:39).

No doubt Elijah felt an adrenaline rush! He was ecstatic for the vindication of God’s name and emboldened to believe God for more. It’s easy to feel that way when you’re certain something you see is from God.

But Elijah was also still very human. Just a few verses later, Queen Jezebel sent a courier with a threat on Elijah’s life. 1 Kings 19:3 says, “Then he was afraid, and he arose and ran for his life …” and hid in a cave.

But God knew where Elijah was hiding. The word of the Lord came to Elijah and told him to go stand outside the cave. A great strong wind came that dashed rocks in pieces “… but the Lord was not in the wind.” After the wind, an earthquake came “… but the Lord was not in the earthquake.” Then a fire “… but the Lord was not in the fire.” After the fire came the sound of a low whisper.

Elijah sensed that God was present in the soft whispers. He covered his face in humility and listened as God spoke. (See 1 Kings 19:11-13.) This is the lesson for you and me today on how to recognize the voice of the Spirit.

 

Here are five ways to recognize God’s voice:

1. Learn the volume of God’s voice. He prefers to speak in quiet, intimate ways. Though God can use nature in spectacularly loud ways, like He did with Elijah, I’ve never found a single instance in the Bible when God screamed, yelled, or shouted at His people.

Over a thousand years after Elijah another violent wind was sent to teach. The wind churned the sea into huge, frothy waves, and crashed them into the small boat threatening to capsize it. Howling, splashing sounds punctuated by exploding lightning and thunder had filled the exhausted disciples’ ears all night. They were hoarse from yelling to one another to be heard above the roar.

It was almost morning, but the worst was not over. As early dawn illumined the wave crests, they saw a ghost out on the sea. They were terrified.

Calming their fear amid the screaming cacophony came a simple, calm, “It is I.” Jesus’ soft declaration turned away the wrath of the wind and waves. (John 6, Mark 6). What a beautiful image of the tender power of God toward His children.

Jesus did not rebuke His frightened, weary, and beloved friends. He didn’t reprimand or chastise them. Instead, each of His friends heard His calming voice as clearly as if He’d spoken to them face to face.

How many times did I yell to be heard above my children’s loud noises?

Not Jesus. As Lord over all, His words, His voice, have more power than the strength of nature’s violent winds. Even His whispers declare authority.  A good reminder for us that raising our voices is not necessary to communicate authority with squabbling children.

2. Learn the language of the Holy Spirit. I only speak one language: English. Many around the world are bilingual or multilingual. Imagine the multiplicity of languages God speaks—He thought of every dialect of every language from every civilization and tribe who ever populated this earth! Yet His eternal words containing the secrets to knowing, pleasing, and living rightly before God has never changed since time began.

The Bible is the Spirit-inspired vocabulary God uses to speak to us. “All Scripture is breathed out by God…” (2 Timothy 3:16) and written by “men [who] spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit” (2 Peter 1:21).

Become fluent in His Word and you will more easily recognize His Spirit’s voice. Remember, learning a new language takes time. Ask your Helper to be your translator as you continue growing in fluency.

3. Learn this unwavering truth: the Holy Spirit will never contradict God’s Word. Over a recent lunch conversation, a friend encouraged Dennis and me about a looming decision, “The eventual outcome is not your responsibility; it is God’s.” In the moment, I noted the good reminder.  But upon later reflection, I realized it was more than factual. The Holy Spirit shined His light on those six words, making it clear that those were His inspired words to me personally.

“God is sovereign.” He was saying. “Trust Me.” 

The realignment of my anxious heart with the truth of God’s control and purposes, which I don’t always see, was clearly the whisper of the Holy Spirit. I can be sure of that because He will never guide me to do or believe something contrary to God’s written Word. 

Reminding us what is true about God Himself is always needed.

A good starting place to measure what we hear is the Ten Commandments. Any suggestion by another person, or any thought in your own mind, about cheating, stealing, lying, jealousy, adultery, or harming someone else is clearly not from the Spirit. When you think, “I could pick up that cute little bookmark and drop it in my purse … no one would know,” that’s not the Holy Spirit’s idea. The idea itself is not a sin or disobedience. Taking the bookmark, though, is stealing and not following the Holy Spirit’s guidance clearly lined out in God’s Word. The Holy Spirit’s whispered words will always match the unchanging truth of God’s Word. 

4. Learn to recognize the sound of His voice. It’s unflattering to learn that God likens us to sheep who are quite gullible, defenseless, and susceptible to disease and injury. Jesus knows our every weakness. In His great love and kindness, He teaches us to stay close to Him for our safety and protection. “I am the good Shepherd … I came that they might have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10-11).

There is a very real thief who knows our weaknesses and who intends to steal, kill, and destroy the sheep Jesus came to save. The safety Jesus longs to give us is found in following His voice: “My sheep hear My voice and I know them, and they follow Me” (John 10:27).

A wonderful biography, Evidence Not Seen: A Woman’s Miraculous Faith in the Jungles of World War II, tells of missionary Darlene Rose and her countless stories of hearing God speak specifically and clearly. She said she was certain that it was God’s voice and not anyone else’s because, “My sheep hear My voice. I know the voice of my Savior.”

Darlene studied God’s Word all her life and knew it well. She was used to hearing God’s voice. Therefore, she easily recognized it.

Tune your ear to recognize the sound of His voice. Recognizing the sound of someone’s voice only comes with regular time together and conversation. Ask the Helper to sharpen your hearing, so you recognize His voice and His words more clearly.

5. Learn to verify the Holy Spirit’s voice. How do you know if the voice you’re hearing is yours, someone else’s, or the Holy Spirit’s?

Ready for some heavy-duty theology? I’m confident we women can learn this because the Holy Spirit dwells within us and guides us into all truth. Agree?

We all hear many voices every day proclaiming messages from three influences:

the devil,the world, andthe flesh.

Jesus told us the devil is the Father of Lies. So every suggestion, every single word, from him will be contrary to God. Anything from his voice is obviously wrong, even if it might feel comfortable, inviting, or convenient. 

The world we live is not yet subject to the King of kings. God, in His mercy, allows people to live in disobedience to His authority and from these millions of people on earth come voices: opinions on how to live, what choices to make, and how to be happy.

God’s Spirit longs to give us discernment as to which words are true, which are partial truths, and which are falsehoods.

Other messages come from the flesh. The flesh is the invisibly broken soul, “the law of sin” that dwells within (Romans 7:22). Every human inherited this from Adam and Eve when they rebelled against God.

But there’s hope! Paul, the apostle, teaches us how to live set free from the always-with-us desire to sin. He explained, “Walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh” (Galatians 5:16-18).

The Spirit-flesh dichotomy, our heavy-duty theology for the day, is the essence of our question.

Here’s a litmus test to give yourself when you can’t decide whose voice you’re hearing:

Is your first instinct to defend yourself or prove you’re right? If so, that is your flesh. It is not the Holy Spirit.Are you looking down on someone or feeling disdain for another person? If yes, that is your flesh, your sinful nature at work. The Holy Spirit is always love and wants to give you love for every person.Are you envious of what someone else has, feeling you deserve the same thing? If so, that is your flesh. The Holy Spirit never leads us to or condones jealousy.Are you struggling to apologize and admit you’re wrong? That too is your flesh. The Spirit’s desire is for your pride to decrease and the humility of Christ to grow in its place.Do you see the toddler version of yourself coming alive? Do you want what you want, when you want it? That’s walking in the flesh, not the Spirit. The Holy Spirit desires sacrifice for God that is also God-dependent, not sacrifice for self-glory.Are you ungrateful and discontent? If so, you’re being led by your flesh. Ingratitude is never from the Holy Spirit.

It’s okay if you’re not where you’d like to be yet. You cannot get there on your own. You’re learning and growing in the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit is the greatest gift to believers! We cannot live the Christian life as God intends on our own strength. Sure, we can pretend, create a nice exterior, and even deceive ourselves that we’ve got it under control. But the next disagreement with our husband or angry outburst at our kids reminds us of the truth: I need Thee, Oh I need Thee. Every hour I need Thee.

When I make these mistakes and others, which I do daily, I acknowledge them and give thanks to God for my salvation in Jesus. As 1 John 1:9 tells us, “If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

Though I am still prone to feelings of failure and discouragement because of my inadequacy, I am learning to be quick to remember, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus … the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free … to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace” (Romans 8:1-2, 6).

I have this verse framed and prominently placed in my kitchen. Just yesterday, I walked over to read it again, thanking the Spirit for His reminder of what God has spoken about me.

Now that you know how to hear His voice, what do you do with what you hear from the Holy Spirit?

Recently, I had a light-bulb-moment. The Holy Spirit showed me that I tend to hear most good ideas, assume they are all from Him, and then assume personal responsibility for making the idea or action happen. I also think I have to act now because He spoke.

Remember the story of Jesus telling His brothers He wasn’t going to the feast? That always puzzled me because two verses later Jesus went to the feast secretly. Why did He say no, then go? The key is found in these words: “My time is not yet come” (John 7:6).

Jesus did nothing on His own initiative. The application for me is that when I sense I hear from God’s Spirit, I need to ask, “Lord, is this from You? Will You confirm Your will? Will You show me when to do this?”

I am learning to live as His servant. Psalm 123:2 says, “ … as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their master … so our eyes look to the Lord our God.”

To sum it all up, here is God’s will, the Spirit’s greatest desire for each one of us: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind [which is the Holy Spirit’s work in us], that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect” (Romans 12:2).

 

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Teach Your Children the Value of Work

 

Do you know what values motivate you? Years ago Dennis and I made individual lists of what mattered to each of us. Then we combined those lists into one page of values we used to make decisions about how we raised our kids, what we taught them, and how we spent our time as a family.

It wasn’t as easy as it may sound. We disagreed, of course. As I wrote in my book, Letters to My Daughters, “Different ingredients don’t blend easily.” But once we created a single list we had a mutually agreed upon starting place. Over the years we modified it as we remembered qualities or learned a truth from the Bible that we had to include. (We wrote about how to do this in our book, The Art of Parenting, chapter 3.)

It will make a huge difference in your marriage and your parenting if you take the time to create a unified list of values. Because once you do, you will be operating literally off the same song sheet. And if you are a single mom this will be easier for you but especially important because you need the help. 

We included a list of 40 character qualities we wanted to teach our children before they turned 18 in our book. 

One of my contributions to our top five values was the importance of our kids learning to work. 

God put us in His creation to work with it, manage it, and steward it. All occupations that are needed in our world—from driving semi-trucks, to service jobs, parenting, ministry work, or selling insurance—are good and can be a daily offering to God as we labor for His glory.

Our children worked from the time they were little. They loved helping me when they were old enough to carry things for mommy. Of course they made messes and it would have been easier if I’d just done it, but if we don’t introduce them to the joy of working when they are little it will be much harder when they are older. Hence the modern #adulting. It’s not so hard to be an adult if you learn it slowly over the first 18 years of life.

Work is a holy calling. God declared in the Garden that Adam and Eve were to work for six days and rest on the seventh. And work isn’t optional either.

Here are some of the jobs our kids did and the ages when they began.

1. At age three they began to run little errands for me: get mommy a diaper for the baby … take this pile of clothes (a manageable one for their size) to your sister’s room. I also gave them small jobs like emptying the silverware holder from the dishwasher into the drawer. It’s a great “matching things” exercise. And I let them carefully move eggs from the carton to the container for the refrigerator. My daughter, Rebecca, who went to culinary school, began teaching her twins to cut and chop foods at age three with child-safe knives. 

2. At age four or five they began to pick up their toys, clean their room and put on their own clothes. None of this is easy. Instruction takes endless repetition, but these small tasks are the beginning steps of learning to work and be responsible.

3. In early to upper elementary age, our kids began to do regular chores. Emptying the dishwasher, carrying folded laundry or grocery sacks from the car, making their beds, feeding the animals, etc. I made charts for years to help them see their progress and earn rewards. They learned to rake leaves, help Dad with the mowing, wash and dry dishes, load the dishwasher, help with baby sister by reading her a book or getting her some toys. Whatever I did I constantly looked for opportunities to teach my children, knowing one day they would be adults whose lives would include all of this kind of work.

4. We also gave them the responsibility at 12 or 14 of doing all their own laundry. By paying for a brand-new pair of expensive jeans with their own cash, they were much more careful when washing them!

5. At 14 we increased our kids’ allowances so they could begin to budget and learn to buy their own clothes. We had many interesting conversations as personal preferences came out. Like the time our son decided he wanted the hottest new tennis shoes. It was more than his entire monthly allowance but he saved and bought them two months later. But it meant he couldn’t purchase anything else.

Their personal taste also made them realize they needed extra income, so getting jobs babysitting, mowing lawns, or at Chick-fil-A became a much more needed decision. I remember Dennis telling our teens, “You are becoming an adult and we are not responsible to satisfy your adult tastes.” Learning to stretch their dollars was valuable training for their futures.

6. Then we let them work for others. Answering to a boss is important learning. One of our sons worked at 16 for a small construction company and learned to do roofing. In the hot southern sun. It was the summer he became a man.

Most of my kids are teaching theirs to work too. And they’ve lowered the age level for some of these jobs like laundry and I say “Way to go!”

The tendency today to extend adolescence into the late 20s is not good for anyone—parents, the young adults or society. This is especially unhealthy for boys. One of my favorite verses for parenting was, “It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth” (Lamentations 3:27). Teach your kids to work. Don’t pamper them or over-indulge them.

Help them learn to celebrate the goodness of God in giving us meaningful work in His creation!

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Friends & Family Fridays #8

The end of August is my favorite time of year.

It’s always like standing in the threshold of an open door looking with anticipation into the coming months. I admit it’s about the weather, but coolers temps are only a signal of coming seasons that always feel welcoming to me.

Minnesotans get cabin fever in the winter. I get cabin fever in the summer. And the beginning of September means I’ll be cured of my annual summer claustrophobia!

In late July Dennis and I had planned to leave to celebrate our granddaughter’s first birthday and then head north for a working vacation for most of the month of August. It’s a long story but first Dennis got Covid, even with the vaccine, then the baby and her brother got sick and the party was cancelled. We waited at home for Dennis to feel well enough to travel and on Monday August 2 he decided he finally felt like driving. We left at noon for Montana. Early on we had decided to drive; the delays in departure proved God was leading even though we didn’t know it at the time.

Four days later we arrived at the ranch of our friends to stay in the bunk house of their barn for three weeks. My goals were to read a lot, write a lot, walk or hike at least daily and paint something every day. Not full final paintings, but lots of sketches and small studies. Most days I took photos of the beautiful mountains, hills and landscapes all around our retreat. Those photos became my subjects. My soul needed this and it was good.

 

Thanks Randy and Kay for the great time we had with you and your family on your ranch!

During the last week August we drove to Denver to spend time with our two kids who live there and then as this post arrives in your inbox we will be driving home from Montana grateful for time with our two kids and their combined 10 children, our friends’ generosity in hosting us at their ranch, and for the goodness of God for giving us this much needed break.

As I look to the fall here are a few things I’m excited about:

Attending the rescheduled first birthday for Emma Cate.A new ebook on gratitude coming in October. Our first one was sent in early August and if you didn’t see it or meant to download it and forgot, here is the link. And don’t forget to share it with others. We need to encourage one another in our marriages.Starting seminary. My first class will be a bible study methods class and the professor is the president of the seminary. He’s such a good man and though I know him through Dennis’s board work I’ve never heard him teach so I know this will be a great treat for me. I’m also looking forward to sharing what I’m learning here with you as several of you have asked.The return of in-person events. We will be speaking at the Christian Alliance for Orphans Summit in mid-September. If you don’t know anything about this organization go check it out at Cafo.org. It’s an organization united to help orphans, foster care children and their caregivers here and around the world.We’ll be babysitting one weekend for our grands so our kids can get away for a 40th birthday trip.I’ll soon be buying pumpkins and mums to start decorating for fall. I planted some mini pumpkins so I’m eager to get home and see if I have any growing. Lots of blooms when I left home so I hope some turned into pumpkins!And I’m looking forward to sharing some of the new topics I’ve been writing on this summer. So watch the blog for great content for you, friends, sisters, daughters … anyone who knows Jesus and wants to grow more deeply in Him.

Here are a few photos from our days in Montana. It was really smokey for most of the days but even that made for amazing sunsets.

Look closely to see the mountains! So much smoke.

 

Welcome fall everyone!

Barbara

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When God Asks You to Do Something You Don’t Want to Do

 

Dear Barbara: I’m struggling right now. I really feel God asking me to do something that sounds too hard. Honestly, I don’t want to obey. Why would He do that? How can I negotiate?

 

Dear Friend,

It’s scary isn’t it? I’ve wondered the same.

I remember when, after an exhausting week wrangling five relentless children, I started feeling a little off. It’s sleep; I need more sleep, I thought. A short rest during their down time didn’t help at all. It’s food; I need a snack, I thought. An apple dipped in peanut butter might help, but it didn’t.

Something wasn’t right.

I didn’t want to admit it, but my mind began to panic. I had Dennis pick up a pregnancy test on the way home from work. I cried for three days when I discovered the answer. I wasn’t feeling off; I was pregnant.

“God, I don’t want to do this again!” God was asking me, telling me, making me be a mother for a sixth time. Really? I felt I had obeyed God enough with my womb, pregnancy was difficult for me, and I wanted my body back. Five was what we’d agreed to. Happily, I thought we were done, all baby gear sold at a garage sale. I was free!

But now God was asking me to die to self. Again.

Several years earlier, God asked me to do something else I didn’t want to do. With His characteristic gentle whisper to my heart, He asked me to shelve my art supplies and my dreams of painting for commission. Instead, He wanted me to invest my energy and talent cooperatively with Him in creating beauty in my children.

It was a death to self. I wasn’t sure God would ever return my paints, but I knew He knew what was best for me. In my obedience, I trusted His love and plan for my life. 

It was hard to put my desires aside. I couldn’t imagine why He’d tell me to box up those hopes and stuff them on the shelf. Bury my talents?

But I did it anyway.

At first, in both of these seasons, I saw only what I was missing, what had been taken away. Death is like that. The loss of a dream or a hope brings grief, which must be acknowledged. No sense pretending we are always happy about God’s plans and His impeccable timing that never seems to match mine.

I focused on life not going the way I wanted it to. I grieved not getting what I had planned. But then I reminded myself of what I knew to be true about God. He loved me and was at work in my life for good … always for good. Philippians 1:6 tells us, “He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion …” I chose to trust my Father in Heaven who rules with wisdom and purpose.

 

I know it’s true for me because it has been true throughout time. It’s perfectly illustrated in a Bible story most of us know. Jesus was walking along and noticed a man who was blind from birth. I love that Jesus saw him when the man couldn’t see Jesus to even know He was near. He sees us, too, when we aren’t looking for Him.

John 9:2 tells us the disciples’ first thought was whose fault is his blindness? Don’t we do that too? We see a handicapped child and wonder about the mother’s prenatal care or their home life. How many times do you think the blind man’s mother secretly wondered what she had done to cause and deserve this?

She’d been heartbroken and afraid at his birth, yet with the tender compassion God has given us women she reached for her newborn son, holding him near, consoling his cries. Like us, she experienced a death as she received this gift of God to her.

Jesus answered for all of us who have had expectations dashed, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him” (John 9:3).

For 38 years this man lived blind. For 38 years his parents suffered this loss. Thirty-eight years puts it in perspective. Why would God ask me to do something I didn’t want to do? Why would I choose to obey anyway? When it felt uncomfortable. When it felt inconvenient. When it felt impossible.

Because the work that God wants to do in us is always heart work. And always He has purposes and plans we cannot see or know.   

The question for me and for all of us is: Will we trust Him?

Years of living have taught me that the unexpected is always an opportunity to experience more of who God is. When I finally stop focusing on my losses—and there have been many—I’m ready to see God begin to work His higher purposes.

My pregnancy with baby six was not easy, just as I’d feared. My feelings were all over the map in those months, too. But feelings are not the end, dear friend. Feelings are fair and valid. But feelings must be surrendered to God’s design and direction.

When I took my eyes off myself and glanced up, I saw a good God, a safe God I can say yes to, no matter what He’s calling me to. And you can too.

Instead of groaning over my lot in life and comparing it away, I can do as Jesus commanded Peter in John 21. Jesus had just given Peter the responsibility of feeding His sheep, and Peter’s response was “But Lord, what about this man?” implying, what does HE have to do for you? Jesus gently replied, “What is it to you? You follow me!”

Let’s fix our eyes on Jesus. Let’s run hard and fast, courageously toward what He asks us to do. Let’s just trust that God knows what He’s doing, and choose to embrace it by faith.  

And by the way, baby number six, though a sinner like us, has been a delight since the day God gave her to us. His ways are best.

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From Barbara: Dear Reader

 

Thanks everyone for some really good questions you sent in response to my Friends and Family letter on July 30th!

I love the varied generations of my readers, so here are two very different questions—one from a grandma and one from a young mama of two little ones. For these two women, and I hope many others of you, here are my answers … brief, honest, and hopefully helpful as we grow together in Christ.

From Catie:

Thank you for your encouragement and honesty. Since you asked for questions here is mine: I have a 12-week-old and 20-month-old and am returning to work full time this week. My husband is finishing his PhD so I currently do not have the option to stay home, which is what he and I both hope for in the future.

During this season I want to raise my children to love and know Jesus, and I want to love my husband and grow in oneness with him, manage our home to God’s glory, love our neighbors, and work faithfully at my job. Yet, I do not know how to balance all of this well. I would love to hear how you did this with kids (we also hope to have a large family) … faithfully serving the Lord and obediently engaging with the tasks and relationships He set before you.

Sweet Catie,

I’m proud of you for wanting to live for God’s glory. I have lots of thoughts and wish we could have coffee and chat. But for now here are some comments and questions for you to think through, plus a couple book recommendations for you.

First, I want to encourage you to let go of the pressure you feel to balance all the things you listed. You can’t do it all and you’ll only feel like a failure if you try. You really only have three responsibilities: loving God, loving your husband and loving your children. Serving your neighbors and your job are secondary. Not that you should perform poorly at work and insult your neighbors. The best way to balance life in any season is to make sure you invest first and consistently in those three important relationships.

Here are a few questions for you to consider and pray about:

Could you evaluate your current job and work with your employer to find a creative way for you to work with flex hours, do more of your job at home, or do some of your work in the evenings after the littles are in bed?Have you and your husband considered a more modest living situation so that you can be with the kids more? A temporary downsize would be worth the time you’d gain with your two precious children.Are you willing to look for another job that would allow you to be at home with your two little ones?

This is a great opportunity for you, Catie, and your husband too, to watch God work in remarkable ways to provide for both your financial needs and for the best care for your children. It’s also an opportunity for you to grow in learning to hear God speak to you specifically. If this is new to you, here are a couple blog posts I’ve written about the Holy Spirit that might be of help:

“How Does the Holy Spirit Speak to Me Personally?”“How Do I Know It’s the Holy Spirit? 5 Ways to Recognize God’s Voice”

God cares about your little ones more than you do and He designed them to be raised by you first and foremost. Because you have that God-given desire, I believe God wants to help you fulfill that calling. One book I recommend is a deeply researched look at the first three years of a child’s life: Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood In the First Three Years Matters, by Erica Komisar. I believe it’s very significant and I wish every young mom could read it. Also I recommend The Ministry of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson as well as her other books. And I also suggest our book, The Art of Parenting, which covers everything you’ll encounter from toddlers to teens.

Hope this helps. May God provide in ways only He can and may you give Him the praise as you watch Him work.

From Jackie:

I’m a babysitting grandma who sometimes gets taken for granted and bears the verbal outburst of a stressed-out adult child when I’m not available to babysit or didn’t exactly follow their protocol. It hurts.

I feel we grandmothers realize the financial struggle it is today to raise a family, but has that ever not been an issue? If you have any help on this, I’d be grateful and so would a few others. 

Thanks for asking, Jackie.

Generations are different for sure but what we so often can’t see is that both get hurt easily because we love each other more intensely and have higher expectations than we do with friends. Remember that love is there between you and your adult child.

Moms always want our children to succeed at every age and stage of life. It’s in our DNA. So we sometimes continue to sacrifice ourselves for their benefit even to the point of enabling them. So dear Jackie have a conversation with your child and explain that you want to help but that you aren’t willing to be treated rudely when you can’t. Allowing your child to treat you as you describe is allowing this one to sin with no consequences and that isn’t healthy for either of you.

And if the anger at you is an ongoing pattern, then it’s abusive and you cannot keep tolerating it. You have a life, and your child needs to see you live healthy and godly because she will be in your shoes one day. You are still modeling.

Regarding following exact protocols, I suggest letting your child know you intend to do your best to follow the “rules” but you aren’t perfect and might not be able to do it all. Ask your child to prioritize the list so you are sure you do what matters most. And I must say, I hope you aren’t a gramma who listens to the schedules and details and then ignores them as if you know better. Your children will do things differently, and they will answer to God for those little ones not you. So when you respect what they are trying to do, even if you disagree on some points, you demonstrate you love them.

A good book that I think will help both you and your child as you work through the details of babysitting is Boundaries, by Henry Cloud. There are several books on this theme by the same author, but the original one is the best place to start. All relationships need boundaries that are understood and respected. We all flourish more when we know what we can count on.

Ask God to guide you as you insert some healthy boundaries into this relationship. And maybe in others too! And as you experience an improved relationship may you ask God how He wants to use you to help other grammas you know.

Barbara

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No Trouble at All

Note from Barbara: There is nothing like the love of a parent for her child. In June I listened to this child of mine, Samuel, speak at a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway and I cried with joy and wonder and pride at how wisely and clearly he and his wife whom I love, communicated the truth of God’s Word about marriage to an audience of over 400. 

Today I feel the same joy in sharing with you a blog post Samuel wrote about the oft-used phrase in our American culture “It’s no trouble at all.” I admired his courage in his post and knew instantly he was right. Too often we use words and phrases without thinking about the meaning.  I was challenged after reading his words to be courageous like my son and communicate with words that matter. 

I hope you will read my son’s well-written post and that you too will evaluate not just this phrase but others that may populate your vocabulary. And I invite you to follow him on his blog, the Five Minute Sherpa, at SamuelRainey.com.

And if you or someone you know lives near the Nashville area and is interested in counseling or marriage intensives, check out this link.  https://samuelrainey.com/counseling/couples-intensives/ .

 

Some time ago a friend asked me to help him sort through some technology issues with his phone and computer. My first career, and past hobby, was in technology so it came as no surprise that he’d asked for my help. After we’d finished the project, he said thank you and for the third time in that setting apologized for inconveniencing me. “Don’t be sorry, it was no trouble at all,” was my response.

I was a bit surprised by how quickly these words came out of my mouth. One of my pet peeves is when people apologize for things that need no apology. It wasn’t true. I’d taken time out of my day to help him with an issue that didn’t concern me. The truth was, it was an inconvenience. But it was an inconvenience that I was willing to give because I care about my friend. I wanted to help him. That’s what friends are for, right?

After realizing this wasn’t the truth, which wasn’t more than a couple of moments later, I corrected myself.

“Actually,” I said, “it was an inconvenience.” I paused to let those words linger for a moment and continued. “Saying otherwise isn’t true, nor is it honoring to you and our friendship for me to pretend it wasn’t a big deal. Me giving you some of me, my time and energy, is one way I’m able to show you that I value our friendship.”

This led to a completely different conversation about self-worth, value, and why it’s difficult to accept love/care from others. It was an amazing conversation that never would have occurred had we both remained “nice” towards each other, exchanging the normal platitudes and pleasantries of a proper friendship. I don’t want proper friendships, I want deep ones.

Our conversation highlights a challenge in relationships: Telling the truth about the small things in life is hard. “It’s no big deal…” is such a simple, polite, and well meaning statement that all of us have made to another person. Too often saying something isn’t a big deal sabotages giving the gift of sacrificial love.

Telling someone “you’re not bothering me,” or “It’s no trouble at all” communicates that the request they are making is easy for you to accomplish. Spoken in regards to a task or to-do list, perhaps “no trouble at all” has some truth to it (especially if the request of you is something you’re gifted at doing). The limitation of this statement is that we deny showing the other person their importance in our lives.

We’re selfish people by nature. We want what we want, when we want it. As we mature, it takes discipline and proaction to act contrary to this natural tendency. So when someone asks something of us, we have to sacrifice our selfish desires for the benefit of the other—this is love. It may be minor in the sacrifice, such as helping a friend with a technology problem, but it is still a sacrifice. In order for trust and relationships to grow, we need to know that someone is willing to sacrifice themselves on our behalf. Without this understanding and experience, we’re left to wonder if the other really sacrifices anything for us.

Letting someone know that we’re willingly choosing to sacrifice, be inconvenienced, and not hold it over their heads deepens relational intimacy. Little things piled together makes a big thing. Be proactive in your relationship to intentionally build a big thing of trust by celebrating the little things.

This post appeared first at Five Minute Sherpa.

 

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Avoid This Mistake When Praying for Grown Children

 

For years I avoided reading the book of Job because I was afraid I would contract some of his suffering. I knew enough about his story to have zero envy of the wealth and success he enjoyed before and after his period of suffering.

Then I spent a week focusing on Job for my Bible study class during my children’s teen years. I’m now a fan of his because of what I learned about God and about Job’s prayers for his grown up kids. The timing was right for me.

As any parent knows, endless frightening possibilities force us to pray. Teenage driving, coed parties, international mission trips, or carefree backpacking in national parks are out-of-our-control scenarios that send us to our knees.

When our six children left the nest and moved away, I discovered I wasn’t “in the know” anymore. I no longer heard daily accounts of my kids’ activities and events once they went to college and then married. I no longer knew their friends, where they were, when they left or arrived back home to their dorm or house.

It was a great loss … a time of learning to trust God in new ways as their mom. I learned to pray differently, now that I didn’t have details.

With 10 grown children, seven sons and three daughters, Job felt what every mom or dad feels today. The seven brothers hosted big feasts on their birthdays every year and invited the siblings, including their three sisters. Job wasn’t invited. But he knew they went all out with great food and fine wines.

Even though he missed out on the fun, Job developed a routine, a habit of prayer, to exercise when he knew the party was over and everyone was traveling back home. The focus of Job’s prayer was for the hearts of his children. Not their success, wealth, or accomplishments. His prayers weren’t selfish and temporal focused but were holy and eternally focused. Look at Job 1:5:

“And when the days of the feast had run their course … he would rise early and offer burnt offerings for the number of them all. For Job said [he prayed], ‘It may be that my children have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts.’”

Interceding before the Judge of the universe, Job confidently and faithfully went before God because as a parent he loved his children and knew it was best for them to follow God all their lives. My husband and I often pray prayers like Job’s for our grown up kids. We also bring other requests to God about qualities and values that line up with our Father’s:

“Lord, help them always be quick to forgive, quick to ask for forgiveness, willing to do the hard work of relationship building and relationship restoration.” (based on Ephesians 4:29-32)“Father, guide our children in your ways.” (Psalm 43:3)“Lord, give them wisdom and understanding as they make decisions on school choices, career choices, marriage, and parenting.” (Proverbs 2:1-11)“Protect them, Lord, from the temptations of the world and from the evil that wants to destroy.” (James 4:1-8)“May they be like Job … faithful to You, Lord, no matter what befalls them.” (Job 1-2)“Lord God, I pray my children, their spouses, and our grandchildren would grow to love Your Word with their whole hearts so they might remain pure.” (Psalm 119)

But as you pray, here is an important caution: Ask your adult children for specific needs to pray about for them. And if they are willing to share those with you, don’t share those requests with others, even your prayer or Bible study group or friends. Once your children leave your home to live their own lives, their lives are their own to share as they wish with whomever they wish.

This is hard to learn for parents who, as their kids were growing up, found comfort at ballgames, church foyers, and prayer groups sharing challenges with other moms and dads with similar experiences. We found camaraderie, sometimes a few laughs, and encouragement that our kids weren’t the only ones doing something that drove us crazy!

But when they turn 18, the rules change.

Respect your adult children’s need to make their own way, to grapple with the issues, morals, and cultural complexities of their generation. Give them space to learn and grow just as you did.

Remember, we are on this spinning planet for His agenda and His purposes. As Job did, line up your prayers for your children with God’s desires. As Jesus taught us, pray, “Thy kingdom come,” a request for Him to reign in your children’s lives and your own.

 

For encouragement on teaching younger children to pray read Teaching your Elementary Kids to Pray and Teaching Little Ones to Pray.

 

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