Barbara Rainey's Blog, page 21

Do You Know What God Made You to Do?

 

 

One Wednesday morning our Bible study leader asked us all to answer the same question: “What are you passionate about for God and His kingdom?” About 30 of us were present … young moms, middle-age moms, new empty nesters and a faithful group of women in their 70’s who we all admired.

One by one came the answers around the circle, each becoming more specific and enthusiastic. Not surprisingly the first few answers were a little predictable and safe: “I love God’s Word” and, “I love studying God’s Word.”  All true because these women had proven by their faithful attendance over many years that they loved the Bible.

But then came the replies that reminded me of how differently God has created each of us:

“I am passionate about children, which is why we are foster parents.”

“God has given my husband and me a deep desire to befriend and reach His chosen people the Jews. So we go to temple as often as we can to get to know them and help them see Jesus.”

“I love babies, and it breaks my heart that women don’t understand that a tiny person with feelings lives inside them when they’re pregnant. So my husband and I often go to abortion clinics to meet the women in crisis and try to find ways to help.”

“I too am passionate about children. So my husband and I have started a ministry in our county named The Call to recruit other families to be foster parents so that no child in our county will ever be unwanted.”

What did I say? At the time I was busy creating new resources for Ever Thine Home, so I said, “I am passionate about God’s Word and His beauty, which is why I’m working harder than I ever have to create beautiful objects, worthy of His name, for women to use in their homes to proclaim His name and tell His story.”

By the time we finished, we felt a sense of awe and worship at the very individual ways God was at work in each woman’s life. I saw how the body of Christ can actually accomplish God’s purposes if each of us fulfills His design for our lives. It reminded me of these words from Ephesians 2:10: “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”

 

 

But it can’t happen if we get sidetracked by the enemy who wants us to compare ourselves with others, succumbing to the temptation to copy what someone else is doing rather than listening to God’s voice for you. The glory of God is the wonder of His one-of-a-kind calling and work in every believer.

What are you passionate about for God and His kingdom?

If you’ve never thought about this question before, ask God to show you your passion and the unique plans He has for your life. And If you do know your passion, pray that God will open up opportunities for you to follow it.

Would you join me and other women who are discovering and embracing His workmanship, His divinely ordered collection of gifts, talents, personality and, yes, also the limitations He has given you? Listen for His leading and follow. He has plans for you that are for no one else.

And know that His purposes change and evolve with the seasons of your life.

He is infinitely creative to be rigid with your life!

If you enjoyed reading this, be sure to read some other posts by Barbara on walking with God:

“What’s Hiding In My Heart?” “I Can’t Do It All”

 

 

 

The post Do You Know What God Made You to Do? appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

How to Study the Bible

 

Dear friends,

In my recent Friends & Family blog post, I talked about what I was learning in my “Bible Study Methods and Hermaneutics” class at Dallas Theological Seminary. I’m so encouraged by your questions about seminary and your eagerness to learn.

So here’s an exercise and some suggestions for those who want more.

1. Read Acts 1:8 and see if you can find 25 observations. An observation is a fact. Start with the phrase “I can observe that … and fill in the blank.

By the way, one thing I did to help me focus just on that one verse was to cover all the verses before it with sticky notes and all those after too.

As I shared in my previous letter, the first observation is the word “but.”

I can observe that … “but” is lowercaseI can observe that … “but” is a conjunctionI can observe that … “but” connects this sentence to a previous one.

2. The goal of observation is to ultimately discover the meaning of what God is saying. Therefore the text of God’s word is everything.

What determines meaning? Words. All words have meaning and a purpose, so observation helps us pay attention to every word and then to its meaning within the context of that one verse and then within the paragraph, then the chapter, etc.

3. The second goal is to understand the context of what God has said. Once you spend the time to find 25 observations on Acts 1:8 and then find another 25, if you’re adventurous, then read the verse before and the verse after and the context become very obvious.

Words have meaning and sentences have context.The rules of observation keep us in the lanes.

4. For those who really want to try this, I have two more suggestions. First, buy the book my professor wrote, How to Read the Bible Like a Seminary Professor, by Dr. Mark Yarbrough. It’s very readable and easy to follow. It’s basically my class between two covers.

Second, if you can find a Precept Bible Study class near you, join it. Precept Bible Studies are built on these study principles: observation, interpretation, application.

If any of you want to try this exercise, I’d love to see your 25 observations! And then I’ll share mine. There are several really fun ones that I’ve purposely not shared because that is the joy of studying the Bible this way … discovering it for yourself instead of only letting someone else feed you what they have learned.

Try it! And let me know if you do.

Last week in my class we did an assignment on Nehemiah 1:4-11. We had to do all the observations and then create an outline. It was so interesting to see how easy it was to create an outline once we’d taken the time to really observe the verses closely.

This week’s assignment is to study Habbakuk and create a chart! I’ve got a lot of work ahead on this one, including listening to several videos so I need to get after it.

Praying I can ignite a love for God’s Word in all of you!

Barbara

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Your. Marriage. Matters. (Part Two)

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If a vote were taken on the top cultural issues of our day, divisions and polarization would top the list, along with problems of racism and lack of trust in one another. But to me, one of most distressing trends today is how marriage is losing its value. Increasingly, younger generations view marriage as unnecessary, unrealistic, and even old-fashioned and outdated.

Many would agree with one writer in The Atlantic magazine who called marriage a “wretched institution.” He wrote:

“It spells the end of voluntary affection, of love freely given and joyously received. …

Marriage was not designed as a mechanism for providing friendship, erotic experience, romantic love, personal fulfillment, continuous lay psychotherapy, or recreation.  

The Western European family was not designed to carry a lifelong load of highly emotional romantic freight.”

Oh, and did I mention he wrote those words over 60 years ago? I wonder how would he describe the state of the institution today?

But I’m here to say that marriage is not a “wretched institution” … far from it! God created marriage not only to benefit us as individuals, but also to create stability for human society.

Marriage has never been more important. Perhaps now more than ever. No question it’s never been easy, but it’s always been worth it. Polls and studies conducted for decades consistently support the value of marriage to human flourishing, prosperity and stability.

 

 

In the first post of this two-part series on marriage, I discussed God’s design for marriage. Here are some additional thoughts about why your marriage matters:

2. God wants to use your marriage to inspire and help others.  

This is the most amazing and perhaps surprising part about marriage!

People long to see marriages that last. Don’t you?

Everyone loves seeing couples honored at church or on the local news who have been married 50, 60 and even 70 years. Why? Because we want that permanence, that endurance, and that lifelong love. Our hearts long to be loved forever in spite of all our flaws and mistakes.

In my book, Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife, I wrote this description of what I imagine God thinks about marriage:

So, too, God wants my marriage and yours to inspire wonder in those who are close enough to see the radiant beauty only He can create.

Marriage is so worth fighting for, so worth keeping and enjoying, giving oneself to completely. For God has planted marriage in every culture so that His message of love can be seen in unions of beauty generation after generation.

Our marriages are meant to be statements of wonder to the watching world, statements of the goodness, the power, and the beauty of God. Our fascination with and admiration for a beautifully mature marriage makes us want to know both the couple and the Creator. And that is the eternal purpose for marriage, making Him known.

Marriage is a mystery. And most of us love mysteries because they are intriguing and our hearts long to know more when we are presented with something that can’t be fully known or understood. God is a mystery who wants to be known too.

3. Your marriage is so important that, even when we can’t do marriage on our own, God through His Spirit gives us the power to make it work. He didn’t have to help us.

In the summer of 2000, my husband, Dennis, was booked to speak at a conference in Europe. Because I’d spent a summer studying French in France, I had long dreamed of taking our kids to see some of the beautiful places I’d fallen in love with as a teenager. So we planned and worked to take our son Samuel and our three youngest daughters with us. First we went to the conference and then at its conclusion we rented two small cars and took off to visit all the sites. 

Again in my book, Letters to My Daughters, I described this trip of a lifetime and the lessons we learned from the cathedrals we toured:

One of the most famous cathedrals in Europe, Chartres is breathtaking in its size and beauty. Our tour within its soaring interior gave us a sense of majesty and grandeur and called our hearts to worship the One who is supreme.

Our next stop was Sainte-Chappelle in Paris. Smaller, but more elegant than its famous neighbor, Notre Dame, Sainte-Chappelle is a lapis jewel that sparkles with light flowing from tall, exquisite stained-glass windows that wordlessly speak of God’s work. It was for us—and for any who visit—impossible to stand inside without lifting our eyes heavenward. Majestic cathedrals speak of the grandeur and grace of God, each uniquely proclaiming Christ’s life and the Bible’s story.

At the end of our tours, however, I was left with a great feeling of sadness that many of the magnificent structures, masterpieces of architecture and beauty, are void of the Spirit for whom they were built. For centuries, many have been hollow and lifeless, mere museums, concert halls, and tourist attractions. But when the Spirit of Christ is welcomed within, any church can come back to life.

Marriages are like churches—some are grand in scale like cathedrals, while others more closely resemble a small country parish. The power of any church is not in its size, but in its people who are alive with the life of Christ. My marriage and yours must be filled with the Spirit of Christ, each spouse humbly following His leadership, if we want it to be all it was built to be. Then, like a church spire, our lives and the beauty of our marriage will irresistibly draw others in and point them to God, the Redeemer of our unique marriage story.

Marriage is designed to mirror and reflect our relationship with Jesus to everyone around us. My marriage and yours is full of raw places we’d like to hide, sin we wish to keep secret. But like the woman at the well who had five husbands, when we humbly admit our failures to Him we discover a forgiveness, a grace and a love so unexpected and wonderful we can’t help telling everyone about Him.

God wants us to experience the wonder of repentance and restoration and resurrection in our marriages. If we are willing to risk openness. If we are willing to ask God to give us His genuine love that we do not possess on our own, then we will experience the kind of marriage we longed for when we said, “I do.”

When my marriage feels impossible I remember God “is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think …” (Ephesians 3:20) and that “nothing is impossible with God” (Luke 1:37 NASB). And that gives me courage to keep moving into the hard things and to keep believing He will rescue us.

And He has rescued us. Every single time.

God waits to help you create beauty in your marriage. If your marriage feels impossible, remember:

He wants you to experience your own inadequacy so you have to depend on Him. God will create beautiful windows and doorways in the cathedral that is your marriage if you don’t quit.

If you know Jesus as your Savior, He is calling you to believe His vision for marriage, not what the world around us says about His creation. Keep your eyes on Jesus where they belong. Not on others.

 

 

If you enjoyed reading this, you also might like some additional posts by Barbara on marriage:

“If You Only Had One Prayer for Your Marriage”   “What To Do When You Want to Quit Marriage”

 

 

The post Your. Marriage. Matters. (Part Two) appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

Your. Marriage. Matters. (Part One)

 

I was standing alone in our small master closet … stunned … unable to move. Feeling lost and alone and burdened, as if an old heavy wool coat had just been thrown on my shoulders. The weight of the heated words my husband and I had just exchanged felt impossible to bear. I wondered if a solution was even possible in our marriage.

It wasn’t the first time our marriage felt too hard. Nor would it be the last.

In the hard moments of marriage, quitting seems to be the easiest and best way to alleviate the immediate pain and disappointment. And that day in the closet I had thoughts of quitting, too.

Today more and more couples choose to live together without marriage, without the lasting historically binding promises couples have made for thousands of years. One of the primary reasons so many couples avoid marriage is they want to avoid the pain of divorce … if you don’t make the commitment, they think, it’s easier to bail when your relationship begins to sour.

Our need for immediate peace, satisfaction, happiness, and fulfillment in the present too often trumps the long-term benefits of a lasting marriage. Many are asking: Does marriage matter at all? And too often it’s answered: no.

But I want to shout loudly and clearly to all who will hear:

Your. Marriage. Matters!

Believe it. Marriage does matter, it always has and here in this post is reason number one.

1. From the beginning, God created marriage not only to give you the human love and companionship you long for and desire, but also an eternal relationship with God Himself. These dual purposes are the great vision of marriage.

For thousands of years, couples have entered marriage with high hopes, certain that their love is the greatest to ever exist on the planet. Universally every single couple awakes one day to a disappointment, a rift, an offense they never expected to encounter. In their bewilderment and surprise each partner automatically moves to a defensive posture because we have forgotten, or never knew, two important truths:

Both spouses are sinners—prone to selfishness, to mistakes, and to seeking our own welfare over the other.We’ve lost any vision for the good God intended when He created marriage—the healing, restoration, and even resurrection He wants to accomplish in each of our lives. And He can’t do that if we are insisting our own way is right, if we aren’t teachable or willing to learn. 

We have lost our way in marriage because we have lost our sight, our vision of what God intended.

Of all the art museums in the world, the Louvre in Paris may be the most famous. Imagine the Louvre has a wing dedicated to displaying the wonders and miracles of God’s work in marriages. Now imagine you and your spouse purchase tickets, but on the day before your tour an earthquake shakes the famous building and its priceless contents.

An earthquake whose epicenter was beneath the famed buildings would undoubtedly damage or destroy at least half of the works of art. But unexpectedly the museum opens even as the cleanup began. You and your spouse arrive at the entrance, present your tickets, and begin to walk the halls once filled with priceless beauty. But all you can see is the destruction, the loss. Lying on the floor, broken and torn and crushed, you find the debris of our world … broken, separated, divorced marriages.

And yet there are still marriage portraits on the wall to be admired. There are still evidences of God’s miraculous power to heal and restore in the faces of couples who refused to quit. As you continue your tour, what will you look at? The destruction or the works of art that survived? Will you focus on the vision of victory of those works of art that endured?

This is the challenge of those who long for love in this generation. Where will you look? Will you succumb to hopelessness because of all the fallen marriages around you? Or will you choose to turn your eyes to the original design?

 

 

What is God’s design for marriage?

To complete one another … which is a picture of Christ completing us, giving us what we are lacking in ourselves.To fulfill the promises to never leave or forsake one another … which mirrors the promise of Christ to never leave or forsake us.To fulfill our need for love and intimacy and companionship, again a picture of what Christ came to do by giving Himself to us without reservations that we might know His immense love.To give us courage to keep growing and becoming all God intended … which is what the Holy Spirit does for us as He dwells inside believers and wants to help us, as His name, the Helper, implies.To multiply a godly heritage. In the Garden of Eden God instructed Adam and Eve to have children so the message of His love for the world would spread. Marriage is the best environment for raising godly children who will carry His love to their generation.And most importantly, marriage is to model the great mystery of Christ’s relationship the church. When people see marriages that work, they get a glimpse of God Himself, His unity, His enduring love, His unending promises to be with us forever.

Why does God’s design matter? Because the Bible begins with a marriage, Adam and Eve, and ends with a marriage, Christ and His Bride the church in Revelation. Marriage is supremely important to God. One day we who know Christ and belong to Him will become the Bride of Christ, married to Jesus forever!

 

 

Do you see a pattern here?

All the purposes of God for your marriage are intended to be a reflection of His relationship with us individually. Our marriages show people—and believe me they are watching you more than you know—what it might be like to know God and to belong to Him forever. Your marriage is intended to be a witness.

Watch for part two in this series later this week.

If you enjoyed this post, be sure to check out some additional writing by Barbara on marriage:

“Small Stuff, Big Stuff, and the Power of Beautiful Belief in Marriage” “Remember When You Fell in Love?”

The post Your. Marriage. Matters. (Part One) appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

The Value of Together

 

Have you ever wondered where you belong? Looked for a place to fit in? Felt all alone right in the middle of all your people?

It’s okay. I have too. We all have.

Together matters even when we don’t feel the connections as we’d like. Home matters, too, because that’s where belonging begins.

You’ve likely heard the phrase before: Home is where you belong. Home is a biblical idea; God made us to be connected to specific people—our families—in a specific place: our homes. And it’s biblical because God will call us to live with Him forever one day in His Home.

 

 

Many of you recently found yourself in the back-to-school scurry at your home. You’re reorganizing your family into this year’s fall routine and trying to keep up with crockpot dinners, practice schedules, lunch money, and scheduled family nights.

Maybe you are like me and you’ve asked yourself, “Why am I doing all of this?!” on more than one overly busy day.

We women do tend to take on more than can be done. At least this woman does. But I know that what I’m doing matters, that my efforts might result in good for those I love. I no longer have kids at home, but I’m always looking for opportunities to gather with my family … knowing that something meaningful might take place when we are together for those weekends or holidays or vacations.  And that hope is all this mom needs to keep going. To keep getting my family together.

The word gather is used over 130 times throughout the Old and New Testaments, which means it’s not an inconsequential concept. The most common use is in reference to God gathering us, His people.

Deuteronomy 30:3 says, “God will gather you again from all the peoples …” and in Matthew 18:20 Jesus said, “Where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am among them.”

 

 

Gathering together mirrors God’s familial relationship with His Son and with us, His children. It is therefore a very biblical practice. If gathering is something God does, and we are to imitate Him, then I want to bring my people together and make it meaningful for my King.

 

 

There is an old hymn that sings of the day we will be gathered together without sin, without death, with the One who bought us with His blood. The chorus of, “Shall We Gather at the River,” is the part I remember and it goes like this:

 

Yes, we’ll gather at the river

The beautiful, the beautiful river

Gather with the saints at the river

That flows by the throne of God

 

Since the Garden of Eden, when God placed the garden home He made for Adam and Eve at the headwaters of the Tigris and Euphrates, rivers have been gathering places for His children.

Did you know?

God’s people lived near the Nile River in Egypt and into that river Moses was placed with a prayer and hopes of deliverance.The Jordan River formed the entrance to the promised land and in those waters Jesus was baptized.In the foreign land of Babylon, God’s people gathered together at the River Chebar, where one day Ezekiel saw his visions of angels and a future God would unfold one day.And on the banks of the same Tigris River once enjoyed by Adam and Eve, Daniel saw a vision of a man dressed in linen with a belt of pure gold around his waist. Life-altering moments happened near rivers of water.

Perhaps that’s why in Acts 16, Paul and his companions, recently arrived in Phillipi, went on the Sabbath “to a riverside where we were supposing there would be a place of prayer, and we sat down and began speaking to the women who were assembled.”

I wondered when I read this verse:

Why were there no men?Why were these women not at the synagogue on the Sabbath or were they not allowed?Were the women all Gentiles?Why did Paul and his friends assume this was where they could find those whose hearts were open to God?

Like Lydia and her friends who met Paul and Jesus that day, women today are often the instigators of gatherings—whether by a river, in our kitchens, or even at a park while our kids play.

We are also usually the leaders of gatherings of family and friends around holidays and other special occasions. This desire to share life together is good because we know God is present when two or more believers gather together.

This year as you prepare for intentional time together even in the busyness of the day to day, try to remember that your gathering is both a link to generations past and a foretaste of the day when God will gather all of His children to Himself for the wedding supper of the Lamb!  And teach these truths to your family so they too can anticipate their one day future too.

Celebrate together both your heritage and your future!

 

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Friends & Family Fridays #9

 

Hello friends!

I’m excited to finally get to tell you about some of what I’m learning in seminary! It’s been a full month of jumping through lots of new student hoops, but finally I’m getting into my class work and I’m eager to share.

I also want to talk about some amazing God moments we saw and experienced and take a look at what’s coming on the blog in October.

Seminary lessons

My first class this semester is Bible Study Methods and Hermeneutics (a strange word meaning interpretation). Our first two assignments have been to observe one verse in detail, Acts 1:8, and without looking at verses before or after or at any commentaries or notes, to find 25 facts and obvious details. The verse reads, “but you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be My witnesses in Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria and to the remotest part of the earth.”

For example, starting with the first word but, here are two observations:

The word but is not capitalized (in the NASB), which indicates a continuation of a previously unfinished thought.But is a conjunction indicating a contrast or a change in what’s about to be said from what was said.

From the second word you:

You is the audience of this verse.We don’t know if it’s one person or many.

And so the process goes. It may seem dull and obvious, but paying attention to the details and nuances of the Words of God Himself will cumulatively help us understand what God is saying and why it matters to patiently listen to Him.

In the class lectures following two weeks of finding observations about one verse, we then enjoyed looking at the greater context of Acts 1:1-11—the reward for two weeks of detail work. Here are a few very interesting details:

Luke, the author of Acts and the book of Luke, knew the apostles! Personally. Think about that for a minute. He was friends with John and Peter and Paul and probably more of the 12. He had conversations with these who saw Jesus daily for His three years of ministry. It’s possible Luke saw the risen Christ at one of His appearances.A man addressed as “most excellent Theopholis” was named by Luke in both of his books. Theophilis was a wealthy Roman of high social status, hence the honored salutation by Luke, who scholars believe inquired about the man Jesus and requested letters about Him and His teachings.

Like patrons or sponsors of artists in the Renaissance era like Michaelangelo, it’s believed Theophilis funded Luke’s work in recording the details of the life of Jesus and then the history of the early church as it spread across the Roman world. Therefore, these books are addressed to him in honor of his financial investment in writing the story of Jesus from first hand witnesses.

Related to verse 8 are, of course, verses 6-7, which read, “ … they asked Him, “Lord will you at this time restore the kingdom to Israel?” He said to them, “It is not for you to know times or epochs which the Father has fixed by His own authority; but you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be My witnesses …”

The disciples understood the promises of the kingdom to come recorded in the Old Testament. They had heard Jesus teach repeatedly on the kingdom of God to come. They’d watched the Son of God conquer death; He was now clearly invincible. That alone made Him a king unlike any other. And for 40 days Jesus had walked around on earth with them. So it was logical for them question: Was He here to stay and to rule on earth?

Our Savior is so kind to us. He was not exasperated with His disciples that once again they didn’t understand. They were actually correct about the expectation of the kingdom and He affirmed them, didn’t rebuke them.

But they were wrong on the timing. The Father is the Keeper of the clock, so let the timing go, Jesus was saying. Instead Jesus revealed the next phase of God’s plan: taking the story of Jesus to the world. It’s not time for the Kingdom on earth, but it is time for you to be my witnesses.

Jesus revealed just before He ascended into heaven the next phase of God’s plan and the key to the rest of the entire New Testament yet to come.

It’s been fun to learn these new details about Jesus that I never knew before! Hope they encourage you, too!

 

Have you ever had a divine appointment?

As if to illustrate and give life to Acts 1:1-11 for me, God orchestrated several divine appointments for us as we traveled to Cincinnati for the Christian Alliance for Orphans annual summit. A divine appointment is an encounter with someone that is clearly not coincidental.

First, on our flight we sat next to a flight attendant who wanted to share her story. We encouraged her to go to the Weekend to Remember marriage getaway to learn about marriage even though she is now single. She’s already emailed us saying she’s registered to attend.

With Jedd Medefind, President of Christian Alliance for Orphans

During the conference we met several parents who had used Passport to Purity with their kids and raved about it. We talked to Diego Fuller and his father Bishop Blake, who have the most remarkable stories about Diego and his five foster brothers, all now adults. They are writing to tell the stories of what God did, and we are hoping we can help then get them in print. The world needs to hear. You can check out Diego on Instagram at iamdiegofuller. He’s written a great Christian rap song called “Engrafted”!

Diego Fuller, Dennis and Bishop Blake

 

Speaking on marriage at the Summit

Then, as we were getting our last coffee and bacon gruyere egg bites at Starbucks before driving to the airport, we met a man who had just filled a huge thermos with coffee. I asked about his coffee volume and we began to talk. He has a fiancée and was interested in all we had to share. Who knows if he will look up any of our content, but it was a sweet positive conversation with a dear man who has worked through lots of hard things in his life.

 

October … can you believe it’s almost here?

I’ll be putting up blog posts on these topics, which I hope will be of interest to you, your family or to someone you know. Be sure to share them widely!

How to Forgive Your ParentsWhat Has God Built In You to Do?Why Your Marriage Matters, Part I and IIWhen Your Kids Drive You Crazy With Questions

I’m also working on a post about parenting kids with disabilities which I’m excited to share. And I’m working on another ebook on gratitude that we hope to send later in October or the first of November.

We also have several new podcasts coming in late September and into October, so if you prefer getting content via audio, watch for those in your inbox as well.

Finally, I wanted to thank you again for all your questions and comments in response to July’s letter. I wrote a blog post with answers to two great questions and intend to reply to more, but getting started in seminary has taken more time than I expected. Hopefully I’ll get to them soon. And if you have any more questions about life or family that you’d like me to tackle, please let me know by using the comments section for this blog post.

 

Happy Fall!!

Barbara

 

P.S. Since we got home from the Summit conference I’ve bought pumpkins and have started decorating my porch which is always a happy thing for me to do. I’m not finished but here’s how it looks so far!

The post Friends & Family Fridays #9 appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

Dear Barbara: How Do I Convince My Husband to Change?

 

 

Dear Barbara: How do I convince my husband to change? There are certain areas we’ve been fighting about for years now. And I really am right. How can I get him to see it? 

The moment I married Dennis, I knew I was in for an adventure. He wasn’t just different in his interests. His recipe for life was positively foreign. We were like oil and water, constantly separating in our jar. We still cannot be more different. (Note the present tense!)

For example, I remember Dennis would get an idea and be off and running. I, on the other hand, was used to thinking through things and evaluating before acting. Often during our first year of marriage I felt left in the dust.

Dennis was expressive and always asking questions; I tended to be quiet and cautious, thinking about what I wanted to say before I said it. I felt overexposed.

It’s fair to say that the unique, fresh traits that attracted me to my spouse became tiresome or irritating after years, or even months, of marriage. When I encounter these clashes, I learned I have choices:

Do I communicate disdain for a trait I now feel is flawed?Will I withdraw to avoid dealing with it?Should I try to change him?Do we talk about it?

One day a couple years into our marriage adventure I decided to press for a change in my husband. I realized while doing the laundry for the umpteenth time that my husband’s tee shirts, boxers, and socks were always inside out. How inconsiderate! But still I took the time to reverse his clothes right side out and then fold them.

One day I asked him if he would change his habit so that my job would be easier. His answer surprised me: “That’s the way I’ve always done it. I’m a man and men do that.”

He wasn’t angry … flippant is more like it. Saving a minute or two of time wasn’t worth the effort, was the message I heard.

About 10 years later I decided to ask again. With laundry for eight people, I was desperate to save any time I could. This time I explained that inside out clothes weren’t a deal breaker for our marriage. I told him that it would be really helpful if he would change the way he’d always taken his clothes off. And this time he happily agreed.

Both of us were more mature. New habits take time, but he wanted to lighten my load and made it a point to cooperate for my sake.

I know there were (and are) things that I’ve wished to change about my husband that are much deeper than dirty laundry. But the truth of the matter is that I honestly don’t have the persuasion, the argumentative skills, and most importantly the power to change a single one. Only God can change people’s hearts and habits.

 

 

A young wife I know faced a challenge in her husband that did need to be corrected. She shared with me that her husband viewed pornography, repented, and then got back into it. She felt she needed to press for change, and I agreed. This kind of deep change in a man’s life is crucial because it was a pattern of sin.

She began to seek good council from mentors and then from a trained godly professional counselor. Together, they made a plan for actions she could take to get her husband’s attention in a respectful way. He did change, and their marriage is healthy today. Unholy lifestyle choices, which are offensive to God, should be addressed and changed.

But personality traits, natural gifting and skills (and the lack thereof), personal preferences, and emotional wiring cannot be changed. They are not sinful. The expression of those from birth traits can be sinful or unhealthy but can be coached, refined, and developed.

I’ve learned to let my husband be who He is, who God made him to be. Most of the time. We aren’t perfect and have not arrived. And he’s learned to be sensitive to how his spontaneity and other preferences impact me. Today he’s much more willing to adjust his natural bents out of love for me.

I imagine you, too, have discovered there is much that cannot be changed in your husband. The wise wife learns to accept those differences. Instead of nagging and pestering and scheming to force the change, she learns to trust God to do any changing or moderating on His timetable. She also learns to ask God to change her heart to be more gracious to her husband and surrendered to God for His plan and timing.

Learning to understand and fully appreciate this other human being for who he is and who he is becoming opens the door to peace. Accepting and appreciating his oppositeness—that he will never be like you, nor you like him—keeps us from becoming critical and resentful.

We are still, after 49 years of marriage, very very different people. With the help of God’s Spirit we’ve actually learned to appreciate and enjoy those differences and idiosyncrasies instead of resenting and being repelled by them anymore.

If you enjoyed this post by Barbara, be sure to check out this additional content:

“Dear Barbara: What If I Want to Quit?”

“Dear Barbara: How Do I Not Resent My Husband?”

 

 

The post Dear Barbara: How Do I Convince My Husband to Change? appeared first on Ever Thine Home.

Welcome the Seasons, Surrender to the Seasons

 

September sunrises awaken with refreshingly cool air. Autumn sunsets showcase glory just past suppertime. Interrupting fall’s dawning beauty are marketing campaigns for new TV shows and movies which tell us the world is about to end as aliens invade and warming seas submerge our shores. And if you hear snippets of news at all or talk to others who do you know trust is at an all-time low and fear over the future of our country is at an all-time high.

Let’s talk about that fear.

Most of you are women who have believed in Jesus for salvation and have therefore acknowledged the Bible, His words to us, as true. This is a favorite verse of mine when I hear fears pumped into us by many with megaphones in media, science, and government.

“While the earth remains, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night, shall not cease” said the Lord God (Genesis 8:22). The regular rhythm of seasons, the annual cycles of weather, planting, harvesting, and dormancy will remain constant. He promised. I believe His word.

A second verse that gives me calm in the midst of the current fear-based climate is Hebrews 13:8, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” I believe this too and repeat it regularly.

So grab a pumpkin-spiced something as we look at God’s design for seasons in our lives as women.

Recently I had coffee with a dear friend, Carrie. Nothing pumpkin was yet available, so we sweetened our coffee with mocha and the chemistry of our always-instant connection. She’s a young 40-something mom of two and bursting with questions about parenting, marriage, and career. We feed each other’s souls. She gives me affirmation that I have a few things to say of value, and I give her affirmation that she’s not ruining her little ones! We also revisited the topic of finding value in the thankless, mundane, unseen season of motherhood.

I’ve spent many hours musing on this idea of seasons in a woman’s life as I’ve observed women on social media who are married with kids at home give so much time to their own ministries, blogs, conference speaking, book writing, seminar leading and careers. Some seem to be okay; others are not. I worry about them all.

I’ve wondered. What do we women from different generations have in common? What did I miss in my generation? What are they missing today? What is different about my friend’s and my daughter’s generation?

I have some observations. I also have some wisdom. I know their stories are not yet to the halfway mark while mine is nearing the later chapters. There will be an ending for us all. Will it be a happy faith-filled one?

I know I don’t know the ending or the answers we each seek. But I do know Someone who does. He knows all questions before we ask and He has answers for each one of us.

Being in Christ Unites Us as Women

If you make a claim to godliness (1 Timothy 2:10) … and you have made that claim if you have been bought with a price (1 Corinthians 6:20) … if you have been chosen and adopted by God (Ephesians 1:4) … if you have a seat at His table (Ephesians 2:6) … you are above all else His daughter. He is your Master, your Lord. His plan for your life is the one to discover and follow. Not your own or what everyone else is doing.

Important for this conversation is the truth that God deals with us as unique individuals. Though His redemption plan is for millions, He sees us as a Father sees His children, each one of a kind. Ephesians 2:10 tells us, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which He prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”

Every woman is created uniquely with a one-of-a-kind blend of gifts, talents, needs, and callings. God’s stated desire is for us to use what He has given in the works He has planned. He is Lord. We are not.

As Carrie and I sipped our needed afternoon fuel boost, I told her I think her generation has harder choices than mine. Here’s why.

In the 1970s, 80s and into the 90s, most Christian women who could afford financially to stay home full-time with their kids did so. There was comfort in knowing we weren’t alone, even if we never saw each other.

The culture, however, was shifting. The pressure to have a full-time job, a career, and to become equal with men in the world of work, was swiftly gaining momentum. I felt it as did most women in my generation. And now, I told Carrie, the change is here to stay.

I had no desire to have a career in the workplace, but I did want to change the world. And I did desire to develop my tiny talent as an artist. You can read my personal story here, but the most important facts are these:

My life belonged then and now to Jesus Christ. All of my life, including my God-given gifts, abilities, talents and my limitations and weaknesses, were given to me to steward and subject to His intended purposes and plans. When I surrendered all, I surrendered all. My calling as a wife and mother were also His gifts to me. It was and is now His will that I steward these my people and these relationships.They are His.I believed then and now in His sovereign rule of the world and my little tiny life. It is His business to rule my life. It is mine to obey and follow.He makes eyes to see or be blind, ears to hear or be deaf (Exodus 4:11). The question I asked as I wrestled with my talents that seemed to be latent, unused, and dying was the same question asked of Jesus about the man born blind (John:1-12). Why would God give Him eyes but no sight? Why would God give me creativity, a desire to paint, but no expression? The answer for the blind man, for me and for all of us is the same.  His intention, though it makes no sense to us at times, is that we might see the glory of God. I also believed then and now in the long view of life. I believed in seasons. Farmers have seasons of drought, of crops ruined by summer hailstorms, and they welcome other seasons of plenty and abundance.My years of bearing and raising children were a season. It would not last forever. I knew that. Believed that. And now it’s over.

Trusting God is not easy for me. I want to know the outcome. I want to know the whys. I want to see and understand what God is doing.

Do you too? But His wise and loving way is for us to trust Him, to walk by faith. Therefore when I decided to put away my paints, to set aside my artwork and the development of my talents, I chose to believe by faith that He knew best. I literally said to Him, “It is Your business what you want with my life. If You choose to give me talents and then choose not to use them, that’s Your call and I will trust You.”

When I set aside my painting, I did not quit being creative. I did not kill my desire to create any more than a person who is blind has surgery to remove his eyes. I continued to create but in ways that worked with God’s clear leading for me to invest first at home.

It seemed for so many years that the future would never come. I was swimming in children and their endless always-changing needs, along with marriage and husband needs, that I feared there would be nothing left of me when the last one left home. But just as surely as harvest follows harvest and autumn follows summer, so my season of mommying began to change.

What’s so beautiful about God’s seasonal timing is that He not only gave back the opportunity to paint as I started lessons while my youngest kids were in high school, but He also opened a door for writing, creating a product line, and more than I ever imagined in my 20s and 30s. Decades of parenting had matured me. Silently I had acquired wisdom. In those unseen hours and days of mundane toil and work, peppered with failures and begging prayers, God was quietly, steadily building endurance (James 1:3) and faith (Hebrews 11:1) and the knowledge of Him (Ephesians 1:17).

Encouragement For Your Generation

I said earlier that I have a few observations for your generation. Not answers, remember?

If Jesus doesn’t return soon, or call you home, there will be other seasons in the future beyond the intensity of parenting for you to fully develop your gifts and talents for His purposes.God’s Word makes it clear that some relationships are more important than others.We call those priorities and they are, in order: relationship with God, with spouse, and with children. Growing each of these takes lots of time. They cannot be fast tracked any more than growing acres of corn or wheat. Remember this promise: “In due season we will reap, if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).Every woman’s purpose, circumstances and relationships are unique and one of a kind.I have four daughters and two daughters-in-law each with children still at home. All are at this time financially able, in various ways, to fully invest in their children. One daughter who has two children, both in elementary, is working full-time in the girls school because they need the extra income to save and buy a house someday. A daughter-in-law, with four children, has gone back to work part time now that their youngest just started kindergarten, both for extra income and to keep her dental hygienist skills sharp. And my oldest just got hired to lead the women’s ministry in her church. Her boys are all in school so she can do her ministry work during school hours and still be investing in the boys when they aren’t in school.

I have many other friends also in this season of life, who are working in ministries or jobs that fit with their family’s stages and needs, including Carrie, a free-lance designer who is often hired for small design projects she can do from home.

Rest in what God has for you. Don’t compare.

Ministry can become a mistress.This used to be true just for men but it is now equally true for women. From leading one’s own ministry to women, to being the women’s or children’s ministry director at your church, the struggle of balancing the needs of others with the needs of your own family and marriage is a very real challenge. Just as men have lost their marriages because they gave their lives to ministry, so women are now experiencing the same.It is impossible to do it all.Even though we have more conveniences than ever, we also have almost endless of choices that eat time and energy and detract from what matters most: your three most important relationships … God, spouse, and children.If you can afford it, you can pay to have someone clean your house, cooking your food, even do your laundry and gardening and yard work. But you can’t pay someone or delegate the work of marriage or parenting to others. God has made it abundantly clear in His word that it is our work, our stewardship to which we are called. We are His ambassadors, His runners in the relay race of the gospel. Your relay team is your family. Run that race well now.

Ecclesiastes 3 declares, “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” Have you surrendered to God’s timing and His work for you in this season of your life? Or are you trying to do it all?

A saint now residing in heaven once said,

“In all Christians, Christ is present.

In many Christians, Christ is prominent.

In a few Christians, Christ is pre-eminent.”

Is He prominent or is He pre-eminent which means He is Lord of all you do. Do you invite Him into every decision?

Who owns your life is the question we each must answer no matter what season we are in.

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How Do I Know It’s the Holy Spirit? 5 Ways to Recognize God’s Voice

 

Do you know of Elijah, prophet of God, who challenged 950 idol worshipers to a contest to see whose God was best? With thousands of spectators watching, the competition of gods felt like a championship football game or soccer match.

Whose god was the real God? They all wanted to know.

Each side laid a sacrifice on a wooden altar, but neither one was allowed to set fire to their sacrifice. The agreed upon rules stated each side had to cry out to their respective god to provide the flames.

Elijah, the one-man team, convincingly conquered the powerless opposition when God dramatically answered his prayer. Sending fire from the sky, God’s power burned up the ox offering, the wood altar, and 12 stones stacked beneath. God’s fire even “licked up the water that was in the trench” around the altar.

The audience who saw even stones and water consumed in flames responded by falling on their faces and saying, “The Lord, He is God …” (1 Kings 18:39).

No doubt Elijah felt an adrenaline rush! He was ecstatic for the vindication of God’s name and emboldened to believe God for more. It’s easy to feel that way when you’re certain something you see is from God.

But Elijah was also still very human. Just a few verses later, Queen Jezebel sent a courier with a threat on Elijah’s life. 1 Kings 19:3 says, “Then he was afraid, and he arose and ran for his life …” and hid in a cave.

But God knew where Elijah was hiding. The word of the Lord came to Elijah and told him to go stand outside the cave. A great strong wind came that dashed rocks in pieces “… but the Lord was not in the wind.” After the wind, an earthquake came “… but the Lord was not in the earthquake.” Then a fire “… but the Lord was not in the fire.” After the fire came the sound of a low whisper.

Elijah sensed that God was present in the soft whispers. He covered his face in humility and listened as God spoke. (See 1 Kings 19:11-13.) This is the lesson for you and me today on how to recognize the voice of the Spirit.

 

Here are five ways to recognize God’s voice:

1. Learn the volume of God’s voice. He prefers to speak in quiet, intimate ways. Though God can use nature in spectacularly loud ways, like He did with Elijah, I’ve never found a single instance in the Bible when God screamed, yelled, or shouted at His people.

Over a thousand years after Elijah another violent wind was sent to teach. The wind churned the sea into huge, frothy waves, and crashed them into the small boat threatening to capsize it. Howling, splashing sounds punctuated by exploding lightning and thunder had filled the exhausted disciples’ ears all night. They were hoarse from yelling to one another to be heard above the roar.

It was almost morning, but the worst was not over. As early dawn illumined the wave crests, they saw a ghost out on the sea. They were terrified.

Calming their fear amid the screaming cacophony came a simple, calm, “It is I.” Jesus’ soft declaration turned away the wrath of the wind and waves. (John 6, Mark 6). What a beautiful image of the tender power of God toward His children.

Jesus did not rebuke His frightened, weary, and beloved friends. He didn’t reprimand or chastise them. Instead, each of His friends heard His calming voice as clearly as if He’d spoken to them face to face.

How many times did I yell to be heard above my children’s loud noises?

Not Jesus. As Lord over all, His words, His voice, have more power than the strength of nature’s violent winds. Even His whispers declare authority.  A good reminder for us that raising our voices is not necessary to communicate authority with squabbling children.

2. Learn the language of the Holy Spirit. I only speak one language: English. Many around the world are bilingual or multilingual. Imagine the multiplicity of languages God speaks—He thought of every dialect of every language from every civilization and tribe who ever populated this earth! Yet His eternal words containing the secrets to knowing, pleasing, and living rightly before God has never changed since time began.

The Bible is the Spirit-inspired vocabulary God uses to speak to us. “All Scripture is breathed out by God…” (2 Timothy 3:16) and written by “men [who] spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit” (2 Peter 1:21).

Become fluent in His Word and you will more easily recognize His Spirit’s voice. Remember, learning a new language takes time. Ask your Helper to be your translator as you continue growing in fluency.

3. Learn this unwavering truth: the Holy Spirit will never contradict God’s Word. Over a recent lunch conversation, a friend encouraged Dennis and me about a looming decision, “The eventual outcome is not your responsibility; it is God’s.” In the moment, I noted the good reminder.  But upon later reflection, I realized it was more than factual. The Holy Spirit shined His light on those six words, making it clear that those were His inspired words to me personally.

“God is sovereign.” He was saying. “Trust Me.” 

The realignment of my anxious heart with the truth of God’s control and purposes, which I don’t always see, was clearly the whisper of the Holy Spirit. I can be sure of that because He will never guide me to do or believe something contrary to God’s written Word. 

Reminding us what is true about God Himself is always needed.

A good starting place to measure what we hear is the Ten Commandments. Any suggestion by another person, or any thought in your own mind, about cheating, stealing, lying, jealousy, adultery, or harming someone else is clearly not from the Spirit. When you think, “I could pick up that cute little bookmark and drop it in my purse … no one would know,” that’s not the Holy Spirit’s idea. The idea itself is not a sin or disobedience. Taking the bookmark, though, is stealing and not following the Holy Spirit’s guidance clearly lined out in God’s Word. The Holy Spirit’s whispered words will always match the unchanging truth of God’s Word. 

4. Learn to recognize the sound of His voice. It’s unflattering to learn that God likens us to sheep who are quite gullible, defenseless, and susceptible to disease and injury. Jesus knows our every weakness. In His great love and kindness, He teaches us to stay close to Him for our safety and protection. “I am the good Shepherd … I came that they might have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10-11).

There is a very real thief who knows our weaknesses and who intends to steal, kill, and destroy the sheep Jesus came to save. The safety Jesus longs to give us is found in following His voice: “My sheep hear My voice and I know them, and they follow Me” (John 10:27).

A wonderful biography, Evidence Not Seen: A Woman’s Miraculous Faith in the Jungles of World War II, tells of missionary Darlene Rose and her countless stories of hearing God speak specifically and clearly. She said she was certain that it was God’s voice and not anyone else’s because, “My sheep hear My voice. I know the voice of my Savior.”

Darlene studied God’s Word all her life and knew it well. She was used to hearing God’s voice. Therefore, she easily recognized it.

Tune your ear to recognize the sound of His voice. Recognizing the sound of someone’s voice only comes with regular time together and conversation. Ask the Helper to sharpen your hearing, so you recognize His voice and His words more clearly.

5. Learn to verify the Holy Spirit’s voice. How do you know if the voice you’re hearing is yours, someone else’s, or the Holy Spirit’s?

Ready for some heavy-duty theology? I’m confident we women can learn this because the Holy Spirit dwells within us and guides us into all truth. Agree?

We all hear many voices every day proclaiming messages from three influences:

the devil,the world, andthe flesh.

Jesus told us the devil is the Father of Lies. So every suggestion, every single word, from him will be contrary to God. Anything from his voice is obviously wrong, even if it might feel comfortable, inviting, or convenient. 

The world we live is not yet subject to the King of kings. God, in His mercy, allows people to live in disobedience to His authority and from these millions of people on earth come voices: opinions on how to live, what choices to make, and how to be happy.

God’s Spirit longs to give us discernment as to which words are true, which are partial truths, and which are falsehoods.

Other messages come from the flesh. The flesh is the invisibly broken soul, “the law of sin” that dwells within (Romans 7:22). Every human inherited this from Adam and Eve when they rebelled against God.

But there’s hope! Paul, the apostle, teaches us how to live set free from the always-with-us desire to sin. He explained, “Walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh” (Galatians 5:16-18).

The Spirit-flesh dichotomy, our heavy-duty theology for the day, is the essence of our question.

Here’s a litmus test to give yourself when you can’t decide whose voice you’re hearing:

Is your first instinct to defend yourself or prove you’re right? If so, that is your flesh. It is not the Holy Spirit.Are you looking down on someone or feeling disdain for another person? If yes, that is your flesh, your sinful nature at work. The Holy Spirit is always love and wants to give you love for every person.Are you envious of what someone else has, feeling you deserve the same thing? If so, that is your flesh. The Holy Spirit never leads us to or condones jealousy.Are you struggling to apologize and admit you’re wrong? That too is your flesh. The Spirit’s desire is for your pride to decrease and the humility of Christ to grow in its place.Do you see the toddler version of yourself coming alive? Do you want what you want, when you want it? That’s walking in the flesh, not the Spirit. The Holy Spirit desires sacrifice for God that is also God-dependent, not sacrifice for self-glory.Are you ungrateful and discontent? If so, you’re being led by your flesh. Ingratitude is never from the Holy Spirit.

It’s okay if you’re not where you’d like to be yet. You cannot get there on your own. You’re learning and growing in the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit is the greatest gift to believers! We cannot live the Christian life as God intends on our own strength. Sure, we can pretend, create a nice exterior, and even deceive ourselves that we’ve got it under control. But the next disagreement with our husband or angry outburst at our kids reminds us of the truth: I need Thee, Oh I need Thee. Every hour I need Thee.

When I make these mistakes and others, which I do daily, I acknowledge them and give thanks to God for my salvation in Jesus. As 1 John 1:9 tells us, “If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

Though I am still prone to feelings of failure and discouragement because of my inadequacy, I am learning to be quick to remember, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus … the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free … to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace” (Romans 8:1-2, 6).

I have this verse framed and prominently placed in my kitchen. Just yesterday, I walked over to read it again, thanking the Spirit for His reminder of what God has spoken about me.

Now that you know how to hear His voice, what do you do with what you hear from the Holy Spirit?

Recently, I had a light-bulb-moment. The Holy Spirit showed me that I tend to hear most good ideas, assume they are all from Him, and then assume personal responsibility for making the idea or action happen. I also think I have to act now because He spoke.

Remember the story of Jesus telling His brothers He wasn’t going to the feast? That always puzzled me because two verses later Jesus went to the feast secretly. Why did He say no, then go? The key is found in these words: “My time is not yet come” (John 7:6).

Jesus did nothing on His own initiative. The application for me is that when I sense I hear from God’s Spirit, I need to ask, “Lord, is this from You? Will You confirm Your will? Will You show me when to do this?”

I am learning to live as His servant. Psalm 123:2 says, “ … as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their master … so our eyes look to the Lord our God.”

To sum it all up, here is God’s will, the Spirit’s greatest desire for each one of us: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind [which is the Holy Spirit’s work in us], that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect” (Romans 12:2).

 

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Teach Your Children the Value of Work

 

Do you know what values motivate you? Years ago Dennis and I made individual lists of what mattered to each of us. Then we combined those lists into one page of values we used to make decisions about how we raised our kids, what we taught them, and how we spent our time as a family.

It wasn’t as easy as it may sound. We disagreed, of course. As I wrote in my book, Letters to My Daughters, “Different ingredients don’t blend easily.” But once we created a single list we had a mutually agreed upon starting place. Over the years we modified it as we remembered qualities or learned a truth from the Bible that we had to include. (We wrote about how to do this in our book, The Art of Parenting, chapter 3.)

It will make a huge difference in your marriage and your parenting if you take the time to create a unified list of values. Because once you do, you will be operating literally off the same song sheet. And if you are a single mom this will be easier for you but especially important because you need the help. 

We included a list of 40 character qualities we wanted to teach our children before they turned 18 in our book. 

One of my contributions to our top five values was the importance of our kids learning to work. 

God put us in His creation to work with it, manage it, and steward it. All occupations that are needed in our world—from driving semi-trucks, to service jobs, parenting, ministry work, or selling insurance—are good and can be a daily offering to God as we labor for His glory.

Our children worked from the time they were little. They loved helping me when they were old enough to carry things for mommy. Of course they made messes and it would have been easier if I’d just done it, but if we don’t introduce them to the joy of working when they are little it will be much harder when they are older. Hence the modern #adulting. It’s not so hard to be an adult if you learn it slowly over the first 18 years of life.

Work is a holy calling. God declared in the Garden that Adam and Eve were to work for six days and rest on the seventh. And work isn’t optional either.

Here are some of the jobs our kids did and the ages when they began.

1. At age three they began to run little errands for me: get mommy a diaper for the baby … take this pile of clothes (a manageable one for their size) to your sister’s room. I also gave them small jobs like emptying the silverware holder from the dishwasher into the drawer. It’s a great “matching things” exercise. And I let them carefully move eggs from the carton to the container for the refrigerator. My daughter, Rebecca, who went to culinary school, began teaching her twins to cut and chop foods at age three with child-safe knives. 

2. At age four or five they began to pick up their toys, clean their room and put on their own clothes. None of this is easy. Instruction takes endless repetition, but these small tasks are the beginning steps of learning to work and be responsible.

3. In early to upper elementary age, our kids began to do regular chores. Emptying the dishwasher, carrying folded laundry or grocery sacks from the car, making their beds, feeding the animals, etc. I made charts for years to help them see their progress and earn rewards. They learned to rake leaves, help Dad with the mowing, wash and dry dishes, load the dishwasher, help with baby sister by reading her a book or getting her some toys. Whatever I did I constantly looked for opportunities to teach my children, knowing one day they would be adults whose lives would include all of this kind of work.

4. We also gave them the responsibility at 12 or 14 of doing all their own laundry. By paying for a brand-new pair of expensive jeans with their own cash, they were much more careful when washing them!

5. At 14 we increased our kids’ allowances so they could begin to budget and learn to buy their own clothes. We had many interesting conversations as personal preferences came out. Like the time our son decided he wanted the hottest new tennis shoes. It was more than his entire monthly allowance but he saved and bought them two months later. But it meant he couldn’t purchase anything else.

Their personal taste also made them realize they needed extra income, so getting jobs babysitting, mowing lawns, or at Chick-fil-A became a much more needed decision. I remember Dennis telling our teens, “You are becoming an adult and we are not responsible to satisfy your adult tastes.” Learning to stretch their dollars was valuable training for their futures.

6. Then we let them work for others. Answering to a boss is important learning. One of our sons worked at 16 for a small construction company and learned to do roofing. In the hot southern sun. It was the summer he became a man.

Most of my kids are teaching theirs to work too. And they’ve lowered the age level for some of these jobs like laundry and I say “Way to go!”

The tendency today to extend adolescence into the late 20s is not good for anyone—parents, the young adults or society. This is especially unhealthy for boys. One of my favorite verses for parenting was, “It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth” (Lamentations 3:27). Teach your kids to work. Don’t pamper them or over-indulge them.

Help them learn to celebrate the goodness of God in giving us meaningful work in His creation!

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