Amy Alkon's Blog, page 36

Pic Me!

I'm a newly divorced woman trying some online dating sites. Because I read your column, I understand how men prioritize beauty. I'm an attractive woman, but I often photograph terribly, and I'm thinking of spending some money and having a professional photographer shoot some pix in a studio. Would this be a good investment? I feel like I'd have a better shot if I had really great photos.

--Unphotogenic

Being somewhat vain, I fear the candid camera. In fact, I not only favor the posed photo bu...

Who Will Stop The Wane?

I'm happily married. My wife is beautiful. She used to put a lot of effort into her appearance, but she now wears sweats and T-shirts everywhere and she never wears makeup or does her hair. I felt really bad about this on our recent date night, when she just put her hair in a ponytail and wore a slouchy army jacket. I want her to keep making an effort to put herself together for me. How can I offer her constructive criticism without making her mad?

--Bummed

You come up behind a ragged, dishe...

Wipe That Green Off Your Face

I'm a very envious person, though I don't act on it (meaning I don't try to mess things up for people who are doing well). Where does envy stem from? How can I get rid of it?

--Begrudging Woman

You see a friend achieving some success and you say, "So happy for you. Well-deserved!" -- which is a more polite way of saying, "I hope you are stricken with a rare deadly form of full-body adult acne."

We think of envy as an ugly, counterproductive emotion, but it's really just a tool, like a jackham...

Unprivate Ryan

My girlfriend's wonderful. Unfortunately, whenever we have a disagreement, she shares it on social media. She feels she has a right to do that because it's part of her life. Am I not entitled to a private life while I'm with her?

--News Object

Some favor the social media approach to the "examined life," Instagramming their medical records and crowdsourcing their flatulence problem. Others take a more guarded tack -- encrypting everything...including their cat videos.

The longing for privacy...

While You Were Sweeping

My boyfriend unplugs my laptop when it's charging and plugs the charger into his, despite knowing that I need my computer charged for work. This is actually part of a pattern -- a general lack of consideration, from constantly being late to always leaving messes for me to clean up to knocking the shower door off the track and then just leaving it leaning against the tub. Recently, my dad emailed him three times without hearing back -- in response to a favor he'd asked of my dad! -- and I had...

Pay Pal

An older male friend keeps paying for me -- buying me meals and clothes. Am I making a mistake in accepting? I've repeatedly made clear that I have no romantic interest in him. I'm a struggling artist, and he's highly successful. We're basically BFFs, talking and laughing every day. He occasionally jokes that I should be "giving up the sugar to the sugar daddy," but I roll my eyes and say, "Hush!" I think he's teasing me, but could he be playing the long game?

--Worried

Welcome to the "never...

Check, Mate!

I'm a 28-year-old guy, and I read your column on how men and women are clueless about who's supposed to pay and when. I've had dates be insulted when I wouldn't take their money and others insulted when I did. Is there an optimal strategy for the first few dates?

--Lost

Meet the flexible feminist. She can do an hour and a half straight on why we need to "smash the patriarchy," but when the check comes, she reaches in her purse and pulls out a tube of lip gloss.

As I pointed out in that colu...

Sparks And Recreation

I am a 32-year-old woman who has never been in a relationship with a man I'm actually attracted to. The men I've ended up with really pursued me, and they were all smart, funny, and kind, so I thought it was shallow not to date them because I wasn't that into their looks. Depressingly, each time, I eventually found myself repulsed by the guy and eyeing other men. Of course, that brought things to an end. How important is physical attraction in a relationship?

--Lukewarmed

When you've got a po...

Mood Poisoning

My boyfriend broke up with me five months ago. When I'm going to sleep at night, I find myself mentally writing him hate letters, detailing what's wrong with him. (He's a coward, selfish, petty, etc.) I'm relieved that I'm not crying over him anymore, but I wonder whether I'm making things worse with this nightly litany of his shortcomings.

--Still Mad

There are relaxation tapes that repeat a word or statement to help you go to sleep, but "I hate you...I hate you...I hope you fall in a manho...

James And The Giant Leech

I've been dating this girl for just over a month, and she never offers to pay for anything. I was okay with this in the beginning, as I saw it as a courtship thing. I guess I wonder whether this points to problems down the road with her not being a real partner, pulling her weight, etc. How do I politely broach this without blowing up the blooming relationship?

--Feeling Used

This woman lives paycheck to paycheck. Unfortunately, it's your paycheck.

At this point, you're probably musing on th...