Ilene S. Cohen's Blog, page 9

How to Remain Present When Anxious

Today I realized something. I miss driving my car. I miss making plans. Going out for dinner or lunch. Taking my kids to the park. I miss people. I miss dropping my kids off at school. I miss picking them up from school. I miss missing them while they’re in school. I miss my freedom. I miss my ordinary life. Most of all, I miss myself in the context of all those things.

I’ve always been a turn-lemons-into-lemonade kind of girl. I don’t have to work too hard to make any situation look like a good one, searching for the positives in even the most hopeless situations. So when I first understood that I’d be quarantined indefinitely, I thought, Great! I don’t have to do my makeup and hair or wear anything uncomfortable for a while. My kids and I get to spend quality time together. I’ll have an opportunity to work on my patience. This will only be for two weeks. Things will go back to normal before I know it. It could be worse. I’m young and healthy. Everything will be okay.

There’s nothing wrong with being an optimist. I’m sure it’s helped me get through some pretty tough times. But the problem isn’t that I’m an optimist; it’s that I often jump to being positive before anything has happened. Because when I do this, it’s an attempt to avoid my anxiety about the situation. When I jump straight to optimism, I don’t honor the effect of the situation on my life. By immediately taking on an it-could-be-worse attitude, I fail to honor how crappy things are. Yes, of course, history has proven that things could always be worse. With everything going on right now, I find myself constantly thinking about the people who went through the Holocaust; of course, my current situation is nowhere near as bad as what they must have experienced. However, limiting my response to, “It’s not that bad” might be a way of bypassing how hard it actually is. When we push ourselves to only focus on the positive, we make it harder to deal with the present.

Let’s say it together: “This sucks! I miss my life. I can’t wait to take it for granted again.” 

Today, my five-year-old sadly asked me, “When am I going back to school, mommy?” I could feel my throat closing up and the tears begin to surface. I didn’t try to make it better. I didn’t turn it into lemonade. I said, “I don’t know, boo. I know it’s hard and you miss school. I miss it, too.” It felt good to feel what I was feeling, and to honor her sadness and loss. For that moment, I threw away the untruthful positivity. In that moment we owned our current circumstance, and by owning it I could feel a sense of peace.

As I go through this difficult situation, I’m going to try my hardest to look at the facts (not my anxious projections of either extreme), be honest with myself, and be honest with my kids and family. Because I’ve found that a funny thing happens when you’re honest with yourself. You no longer stare at the vodka bottle wondering if 12pm is too early to start drinking. You no longer invest all of your happiness into a positive outcome you have no control over. Instead, you work on being present and accountable for what you do have control over here and now. When I was determined to stay positive and happy, I automatically created emotional distance from those having a hard time. I stayed fully clear of the news and avoided any reports that contradicted my rosy outlook. But the truth is, no one really knows the long-term effects of Coronavirus on the economy, our lives, our children, and our communities. Neither the optimists nor the pessimists know anything for certain. What we do know is what’s happening today, and what we can do about it is use our best thinking and isolate ourselves.

I know it’s a hell of a lot easier to be present and mindful when we’re in an awesome situation. When life is going well, it comes pretty naturally to feel good about it. But when our circumstances go south is when things get shaken up. That’s when we might find ourselves going into extreme negativity, positivity, or denial. That’s when we might start wandering away from the present moment and trying to live in the future or the past. It’s hard to stay here, now, and be in the process. Trust me, I know. But what if instead of hiding or counting on something to relieve us of our anxiety, we learn to tolerate it, manage it, and try to be our best, most thoughtful selves while we’re in it? What if we hold ourselves accountable to being a resource for ourselves, our families, and our friends?

I’m not being optimistic when I say that it’s amazing how we’ve essentially shut down the world to help the people who are most vulnerable to this virus. I understand that people are dying, losing their jobs, trying to work and care for kids at home. I understand that the market is a volatile disaster, and that people are sick and anxious. Those are facts. All of that is happening. But at the same time, people are also adapting, helping others, being there for each other, thinking of solutions, walking outside, FaceTiming, keeping in contact with their loved ones, playing with their children, finding time to relax, finding humor, and reaching out to people in need. Those are facts, too. It’s not either everything sucks and the world is a disaster or everything is awesome and rainbows with sunshine. It’s that some things suck; some things hurt; some things are boring and seem unfair. And some things are awesome, fun, and joyful. That’s life. So, during this time, instead of trying to deny, avoid, and stay endlessly positive to run away from my anxiety, I’m going to remain present and accountable, digesting the good, the bad, and the beautiful. Once I do that, then I can decide what the best next step is for me.

For those who are having an extremely tough time right now, it’s okay to not be okay. The strength of your character doesn’t develop when you’re being happy and joyful. It comes in times like this. It comes when you feel like your head is going to burst from the tension, but you make the decision not to do something crazy. It comes with the ability to think about what is and then decide how you’re going to manage it. It comes with being thoughtful in the world, even in the midst of a shit-storm of despair.

Let’s not just focus on getting through this; instead, let’s focus on being in this process and thinking about what we can do. Let’s bring ourselves to a different place, without needing the world to change in order for us to get back to being clear and level-headed. No matter what’s happening, we can get through it. Maybe we’ll be changed in significant ways; maybe not. But focusing on how we can be a resource to the people in our lives now is key. We can’t change what’s going on in the world right now. We can only do our part. We can make the choice to be the calm within the storm, or create more stress and anxiety in our lives. It’s all in our hands. For now, I personally choose to admit the things I miss, while finding purpose and meaning in the present. I’m being thoughtful and considerate, putting my usual life on hold to keep others safe and alive. This is a choice we’re all collectively making, for the benefit of humanity. I’m not sure what’s more important than that.

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Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Managing Your Anxiety During Anxious Times

It’s ok to be afraid. If not for our fear, we’d live recklessly.  

Let’s take a minute to admit something: We’re anxious. Our friends are anxious. Our communities are anxious. Pretty much everyone on the globe is anxious. And when we’re anxious, we do many things to manage and avoid that anxiety. But most of the behaviors we partake in to feel some relief in the moment tend not to be very useful to us in the long run. Some of us get overinvolved in current events, hyper-focusing on all the details of what’s making us feel anxious (like the current Coronavirus pandemic, for example). Some of us ignore what’s going on and pretend like nothing’s happening. We avoid talking about it and tune it out completely. And some of us acknowledge our anxiety about the issue while trying to be thoughtful, present, and solution-finding. Now, I’m not saying any one way is right or wrong; but in most circumstances, if we allow our anxiety to take over by either getting too focused on the issue or avoiding it altogether, it doesn’t tend to help us actually deal with it.

It’s ok to be anxious. Were it not for our anxiety, we wouldn’t take necessary precautions.

Many of us suffer with chronic anxiety as it is; so when our community becomes alerted to a possible threat, it doesn’t exactly help matters. It can make us feel like this is the one thing that will push us over the ledge. Situations like these can set our natural response to anxiety on overdrive. We might be faced with an alarming appearance of the “what ifs,” sleepless nights, increases or decreases in our appetite, aggressiveness, indecisiveness, a constant need to clean, or a compulsion to mindlessly follow the masses. We all have our own ways of coping when we’re anxious. And when we find ourselves in an anxious climate brought about by an epidemic of a virus like Corona, we’re given an opportunity to observe ourselves and our environment. It’s a time to practice managing ourselves and our anxious feelings, and to choose a response that may be more useful to us.

Many of us are tempted to be fearful, to despair, to think the worst is coming. And that’s okay. It’s only natural to feel that way. Yet it’s important for you to remember that it’s within your power to be your own self during a time of disease and fear. If you’re breathing, you’re alive, as long as you’re alive, there’s always hope. As most of us know, there’s no avoiding the hardships of life that create suffering. Now is the time to turn within ourselves to ease our own suffering. Here are some ways that you can manage yourself during this stressful time:

Observe your own thoughts and feelings:  Observe yourself. Not to judge yourself, but simply to pay attention to how you’re reacting during this stressful time. Be aware that others might be feeling bad, and be sensitive to the fact that you cannot know what pressures and fears are driving them.

Try to be flexible: Our circumstances are changing by the second. Cancellations, economic consequences, business closings, unexpected responsibilities, and emergencies are a fact of our current lives. As yourself: How can I become more flexible in my responses to what’s going on around me? How can I better adapt to life’s inevitable hiccups?

Find your resiliency: This isn’t the first time in your life that you’ve had to face something difficult. It’s also not the first time your family and ancestors have had to face a challenge. Ask family members what they’ve had to face in the past and how they got through it. Find the resilience within you and your family to get through this.

Remember, events don’t define people; people define events.

Be mindful of others: We’re all connected, whether we like it or not. We are one big team. Think about how your actions might affect others and their health. Do what you can to keep yourself safe while caring as much as possible for the safety of everyone you encounter.

Take it one day at a time: There’s no time like the present moment to take a deep breath, think about the gift of being alive, and lead yourself into the next moment, and then the next. You don’t have to have everything figured out today. Just get through the day, one minute at a time.

It’s okay to lose all sense of certainty: No one knows what will happen next. If they claim to, its mostly because they have some anxiety-driven predictions that aren’t helpful or truthful anyway. It’s hard to keep it together when our once “predictable” life doesn’t seem so predictable all of a sudden. However, its’ not that we have lost our sense of certainty. We have lost our illusion of it. Nothing is promised to us. If anything can remind us of that it is disease and a volatile environment. It is okay to feel uneasy in this climate. Just know if you are looking for certainty in uncertain times, it may better serve you to try and live with the unknown versus against it.

Embrace this time: Allow the anxious feelings to be there. Make peace with them, and let yourself feel the troubles they bring you. Hold onto yourself. Because in all of the confusion, there’s one thing I know for sure: You can always count on yourself to get through whatever life throws your way.

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Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

How to Manage Your Anger

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored that to anything on which it is poured.”

–Mark Twain

Sitting in my car for 45 minutes on a Monday morning in bumper-to-bumper traffic for a drive that should have taken 5 minutes was my breaking point. I sat there thinking, “I hate my life right now.” It was a disastrous morning. Everything that could have gone wrong did. My daughter was up all-night teething, my toilet overflowed and flooded my bathroom, and my dog came in from outside and destroyed my floor with his mud and poop-covered paws. At that point I could have snapped at Mickey Mouse. I looked at the car to the right of me trying to cut me off and thought, “Go ahead and try it, man.” My middle finger was ready to go.

All my training, meditation practice, and efforts to be rational disappeared; my centered self was nowhere to be found. As the anger coursed through my veins, it happened: I went from being a rational person to being totally insane. Anger can do that. It can make the calmest person look like the hulk on steroids. When an emotion that powerful rages through your body, it’s easy to lose yourself, your values, and everything you stand for.

The rational and humble part of me understands that the things I was experiencing that morning could have been a lot worse. However, the pile of annoyances, coupled with my lack of sleep created the perfect recipe for me to lose it. I was Dorothy in Oz, confused about what reality I was in, wanting to get back to my world, but not knowing the way. When anger boils in your blood, it’s easy to get swept away from your reality. It wasn’t until I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and clicked my heels together that I was able find my way to life and myself again.

As most of you probably already know, anger can push us to think and say crazy things. We actually believe we make sense when, in reality, we’re completely irrational. Like a drunk person who doesn’t know when it’s time to stop, anger hinders your judgment and makes you unaware of what’s going on.

That’s because when you’re angry, you’re under the influence of strong chemicals. The amygdala, the part of your brain that initially triggers anger, is one of the most primitive parts of the brain. After your amygdala alerts your body that you’re angry, your adrenal gland kicks into action. Adrenaline is a chemical that increases your heart rate, forcing body contractions and blood flow to your brain and muscles. Your body then starts producing more testosterone, a chemical that kicks your aggression into higher gear. When your body reacts to your rage, it ramps up the intensity by making you even more manic. This is why anger can make you say and do crazy things that don’t reflect the truth of who you really are. Contrary to what people think, anger doesn’t make you speak the truth. It makes you speak from the most primitive part of yourself. Basically, you may get a more rational conversation from a four-year-old than from an angry person.  

I know a lot about anger and its consequences, I ran an anger management group for convicted felons. Yes, you read that correctly, little me ran a group for a group of people who had been arrested at one point because of their anger. It wasn’t my favorite job—everyone in the group always seemed so mad about something—but I learned a lot in the process. The number one thing I learned is that it isn’t necessarily the situation that makes us angry but what we tell ourselves about it.

During my time as a facilitator for the anger management group, I heard it all: “He cut me off on purpose! He was out to get me! That’s why I had to pull out my gun.” “She deserved to get punched! She was in my face, waiving her finger and yelling at me.” “He cut me in line. I was waiting, and the jerk just walked right in front of me. I had to push him out of the way.” That’s how the angry thoughts seduce you into acting out and getting you even more enraged—thinking the other person purposely and maliciously did something to you and you had no choice but to retaliate. It makes sense: If you feel attacked, you attack back. However, no one in my group was actually in any danger. The danger was in their thought process. Anger is most likely a result of misunderstanding other people’s actions and assigning our own meaning to them.

When people respond to situations with anger, most likely there’s more to the story. Behind their rage might be a fear of being hurt, a fear of not being able to stand up for themselves, or a fear of unjust or unfair things happening. These are all reasonable feelings. However, when those rational feelings are expressed through anger, the situation can become worse.

Since anger can lead to aggressiveness, it’s important to try to tap into your rational mind when you start to feel yourself getting angry. The goal is to learn how to self-soothe and self-regulate, working with the distress and negative feelings that are fueling the anger. Work on talking yourself down versus working yourself up. For example, when someone cuts you off in traffic, instead of assuming “He saw me and must have done that on purpose!” think to yourself, “They must not have seen me, or maybe they had a long day. It’s nothing personal to me.”

It’s important to remember that anger is a normal human emotion, and when it is managed properly, it isn’t a problem. It only becomes a problem when you lose yourself in it. I was frustrated that Monday morning because things didn’t happen the way I wanted them to and people didn’t behave the way I thought they should. This led to negative emotions that I could have responded to negatively if I didn’t give myself enough time to talk myself down and cool off. You may be feeling hurt, frightened, disappointed, worried, embarrassed, or frustrated but express those emotions as anger. That is what I found with the members of my anger management group: All of their emotions were being expressed only as anger. When we look within ourselves, we can see what is really behind our anger. And we can learn to express ourselves differently when we accept that it’s okay to be vulnerable. Below are tips for managing your anger in everyday life:

Recognize the triggers for your anger, like certain comments, family members, friends, or places that tend to upset you.
Try to place yourself in the other person’s shoes, understanding where he or she is coming from.
Pay attention to your body’s warning signs of anger: tightness in shoulders, increased heart rate, hot face.
Continue an approach that works for you. This could include concentrating on your breathing, meditation, evaluating your thoughts, listening to music, going for a walk, or changing your environment.
Practice. Imagine being in a situation that makes you angry and draw upon one of your skills.
Remember, it’s okay to get angry. It’s a normal part of being human. The problem lies in how we manage and express it.
Don’t judge yourself for getting angry. You are going to lose it every once in a while. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

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Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Yes, A Relationship Change WILL Create Anxiety. Here’s How to Handle It with Dr. Ilene Cohen, Ph.D.

How am I going to do this? What will single parenting be like? Will my child develop anxiety? What will people SAY?! Any way we slice it, the end of a marriage or relationship of any kind, is going to create a healthy amount of anxiety. It’s only natural. But when we don’t manage these anxieties, moving on becomes an almost impossible task to complete.

I had the pleasure of being interviewed on the Moms Moving On Podcast with the wonderful host Michelle Dempsey. In this episode, we chat about the guts, strength and a whole lot of support it takes to move on in life after a divorce. We also discuss how to overcome the anxiety that is bound to creep into your life during a period of major transition – don’t worry, it’s TOTALLY normal!

Click here for the full episode:  https://apple.co/2Hu8snu

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Parenting Can Break You – Don’t Give Up

My five-year-old daughter cried for 90 straight minutes the other day because I cut her pancake in half. Yes, you read that correctly. She spent an entire hour and a half in total meltdown mode. Over a pancake. I’ve read a lot of parenting books, and I’ve done a ton of work on myself when it comes to managing my stress effectively and preparing for those crucial parenting moments; and all of it helped me get through maybe the first 30 minutes of crying. For that first half hour, I pulled out all the stops. I validated her feelings, remained calm, gave her comfort, and tried to explain that her half-pancake was still delicious and made especially for her. But absolutely nothing helped console her. After the first hour passed, I started planning my escape from motherhood.

I should mention that my 5-year-old’s meltdown happened while my 1-year-old daughter was climbing all over the furniture, almost killing herself every time I turned around. So, of course, I wanted to give up altogether. What’s a parent to do in that kind of situation? If you came to me for advice on that, I’m sorry, I’ve got nothing. Nothing short of vodka and a tranquilizer (for me, not the kids) would have helped me handle that situation with ease. After 90 minutes started moving toward two hours, I somehow managed to get my oldest daughter dressed for school while she continued wailing. Then, finally, I folded! I bribed her with the iPad in a desperate attempt to stop the crying. Not my best parenting moment, but she broke me. Plus, I had to get her to school so that I could get some work done. At that point, I would have given her my 401k to get the crying to stop.

We’ve all had moments, mornings, entire afternoons, and entire days of dealing with our kids’ irrational emotional breakdowns. Maybe there’s a reason for it, or maybe the reason seems absolutely ridiculous. But for them it’s a big deal. When my daughter broke down about her pancake, I tried hard not to invalidate her experience. But I also didn’t want to end up in a psychiatric unit over prolonged exposure to her hysterical crying (I now know that’s a real thing). If I’m being honest, I’m really not sure what happened that morning. All I know is that I was defeated. Hours later, I still heard her cries echoing in my mind. My goal is always to have my kids learn how to better manage their emotions without needing something like an iPad to soothe them. But if anything can bring out my impatience and immaturity, it’s my daughters. And sometimes, when I reach my personal threshold, I’m likely to give in to whatever will get the chaos to stop.

Once you think you have it all figured out, you cut a pancake in half, and the world falls apart. Kids are unpredictable and highly irrational. I’m not sure what it is about my oldest daughter that has her react well to some situations and like a disaster in others. All I know is that I can try, with every ounce of me, to manage myself in those situations and remain calm and collected. I can look for solutions rather than threats. I can find a resolution instead of avoiding the situation. Sometimes I’m totally confident about how to handle a tough situation; other times, I wave my white flag and hand my daughter a device. The pancake morning was a total defeat. Later, when she was a bit more rational, I talked with her about what happened and tried to figure out what else was going on with her that day. But first, I sipped my latte and tried to forget the screams.

If you didn’t know already, it’s a lot of work having kids. I know I sound like Captain Obvious over here, but I think it’s worth saying and repeating: It’s a lot of work having kids. I’m so consumed by my mom life that I’ve totally forgotten what it’s like to be a person without kids. Even when I’m not with my kids, I never forget, not even for a moment, that I’m a mother.

Sometimes, on those really tough days (you know the ones), I wonder what the hell I was thinking. I want to give up! I wonder if things will ever slow down again. When I got married and decided to reproduce, I was so blind to what it really meant to be a parent. I didn’t fully realize that I wasn’t just bringing a new life into the world, I was completely changing my own life and personal identity. I don’t know if I ever had a chance to say goodbye to my pre-baby life. To the life of lounging after work, going out whenever I wanted, spending money on myself, and stuffing my face without gaining a pound. But if I get too consumed with what I’ve lost, I might easily forget everything I’ve gained. Having kids is a lot of work—so much, in fact, that I often wonder how other people do it. Some days are harder than others—so hard, in fact, that I forget to be grateful for the healthy, energetic kids I have. I forget how wonderful their laughs are, how miraculous their snuggles are, how precious it is that they always want to be with me, their number 1. I get lost in the early morning wake-up calls, tantrums, unpredictable behavior, messy house, and lectures about why it’s important to brush your teeth. I get pulled into the drama of being a parent. And you know what? That’s okay. It’s okay to be overwhelmed and frustrated. It’s okay to want to give up sometimes.

Parenting is tough work. So, especially on meltdown days, I cut myself some slack. I realize that I’m not always going to get it right. I’m not always going to have the perfect response. And neither will you. So, I hope you’ll cut yourself some slack, too. You’re doing your best. And if you don’t get it right this time, don’t give up. Your kids will give you plenty of opportunities to try again.

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

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Get a copy of my popular book “Its Within You.” It is a guide to help you to live within and cultivate your sense of purpose. https://amzn.to/2LP2pNL

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

A New Year of Acceptance and Gratitude

“None is more impoverished than the one who has no gratitude. Gratitude is a currency that we can mint for ourselves, and spend without fear of bankruptcy.”

— Fred De Witt Van Amburgh

With every new year, it seems like time is passing by just a little faster; a year doesn’t seem nearly as long as it used to. We go about our lives as usual on a daily basis, and suddenly there are holiday songs on the radio and Christmas decorations for sale at the local convenience store. There’s something about the holiday season that makes us realize the days have all kind of flown by. All of the sudden, we’re met with another New Year’s Day, another chance to hit the restart button. We make elaborate promises to ourselves at the start of each year to do better and be better. Most of us never see the gym as packed as at the turn of the new year.

Many of us start the year with a fresh sense of motivation to do everything we want to do. But after the New Year’s celebration, the end of the holiday season, and a few appearances at the gym, we all seem to go back to doing what we usually do. Our motivation dwindles, and we fall back into the same patterns until the next holiday season comes. I’m not being a Debby Downer about this; I’ve seen it countless times. But why does this happen? Because people make changes based on fantasy and short-term motivation, not on the basis of their true values and goals. We make superficial New Year’s resolutions that die out faster than the amount of time it took to conjure them up.

When we decide to make real changes in our lives, it shouldn’t be because we’re on a time crunch, or because it’s a particular time of year. It should be because we truly want to make those changes to better our lives. What we don’t realize is that merely deciding to make a change isn’t the hard part. Sure, it takes some guts and self-awareness to understand what we need to change about ourselves; but most of the work happens out in the field. You can decide to make healthier food choices and lose some weight, but the real work happens when you start cooking those healthy options, resist the cookies, and hit the gym 5 days a week. Knowing what needs to change is great and all, but actually making the change is a different ball game. And nothing will truly change unless you’re fully committed to putting in the work (all year around) and are totally prepared to live your life differently.

Instead of wishing for a completely different year or thinking about what I want to change, I’m committed to spending my 2020 practicing acceptance and gratitude for what’s present in my life now. What I’ve come to realize is that every year brings bad days, good days, boring days, and exciting days. A wise man once told me that even if your good days come with an equal number of bad ones, you’ve still lived a good life and have something to be grateful for. No life is free of bad days. I carry that lesson with me, taking the good with the bad, not fighting what is, and knowing that each new year, with its many possibilities, will also bring disappointments and tragedy. It’s how I decide to act in those moments that defines who I am.

So maybe change begins with acceptance and gratitude for what is. Maybe it starts with appreciating the good, the bad, and the ugly, knowing that there’s no magic in those New Year’s resolutions, just a sense of awareness that we can all do better. Maybe this year we can do just a little bit more to be our best selves.

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

What Happened to My Marriage? How Our Anxiety Subconsciously Interferes with Connection

Most of us go into marriage with excitement, passion, and hope for our future. We boldly move forward with full conviction that we’ll have a different marriage than our parents did, and that the divorce rate won’t apply to us. After all, we’re marrying our soul mate, our perfect match , our best friend. What could go wrong? Fast forward a few years, and many of us find ourselves with heavy eyes from exhaustion, baby drool on our clothes, and resentment that could fill a football stadium. Where did all that early excitement go? And what has become of those star-crossed soulmates? Who are they now? Co-parents? Colleagues? Associates? Roommates?

For many of us, the years that pass following our wedding day creates increasing separation between us and our spouses. We become different people with the passing of time, and many of us grow to believe that our hopes of being together until the end of time are more of a fairy tale than a reality. On holidays, the exciting gifts we used to exchange turn into kitchen supplies and slippers. Our nighttime cuddles are a thing of the past. The gap in the bed between us and our partners reflects the metaphorical space between us. Over time, many of us come to accept that maybe we are just a soon-to-be divorce statistic; or, even worse, maybe we’re just like our parents.

As a therapist, I’ve heard spouses exclaim, “This isn’t what I signed up for!” “This isn’t how I imagined it!” and “This isn’t the way it was supposed to be!” more times than I can count. So many of us have been taught to believe that our spouses and families should be the source of our happiness. But the American dream has let us down. The idea of marriage and family being a perfect, drama free place where we find our happily ever after is a sham. Walking away is painful, but feeling stuck like a zoo animal is suffocating. So, what can we do? Who can we turn to? The answer is pretty simple, actually: We can turn toward ourselves and take a look at our family history.

In marriage, we often engage in behaviors that serve to help us avoid the problems we experience within our relationship and ourselves. We’re masters at avoiding our emotions and partaking in counterproductive methods to distance ourselves from how we feel. Without knowing it, many of us are subconsciously repeating patterns from our family of origin that take a lot of energy and leave us feeling stuck and crippled. That’s why being aware of ourselves and our relationship patterns is so important. Once we know why we’re doing what we’re doing and realize that these behaviors don’t lead to any progress, we can find the strength to make more intentional choices that will improve our marriage. Since all people engage in these relationship patterns, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. The behaviors that we engage in that aren’t helpful to our marriage are actually attempts to manage our anxiety. They aren’t intentional or done on purpose to hurt the one we love; they’re done to make us feel more comfortable in the moment.

As important as they are, emotions can create many difficulties in our marriage. Paradoxically, the emotions that lead us to fall in love can be the very same ones that destroy our relationship. I think of the emotional intensity in relationships as a way that anxiety is being expressed; whether it comes in the form of anger, frustration, or argumentativeness, this expression of anxiety hinders our ability to connect with our partner. The more anxious we are when we get into a relationship, the more susceptible we are to becoming highly reactive to our partner. Also, the less we know ourselves before we get into a marriage, the more reactive we are, because we’re looking to our partners to complete us. When our romantic relationship serves as a way for us to feel emotionally complete, we become highly sensitive to our partner. Often, we learn from our culture, our family, and our friends that we should find someone who completes us. But when we look for a relationship to complete us, rather than seeing ourselves as complete on our own, we start using our relationship as a way to emotionally regulate ourselves; we rely on it to provide us with the motivation, support, self-esteem, or soothing we might be lacking.

Trying to create one full person out of two incomplete ones will not only be ineffective, it will also create more anxiety for both you and your partner. In an effort to manage that anxiety, you’ll likely partake in predictable and well-documented relationship patterns that can intensify over time. Dr. Murray Bowen recognized a few of these patterns in particular: conflict, distance, cutoff, over- and underfunctioning, and triangulating. For Bowen, these are universal patterns that transcend culture, race, and ethnicity. When we engage in these different behaviors, we completely miss the original problem of not being a complete self and replay past emotional patterns. The good news is that in any relationship, if both people are willing to work on themselves, their relationship and anxiety will improve. But first, they need to be aware of the relationship patterns that get in the way of improving themselves and their relationship. In future articles, and in my upcoming book, I’ll be discussing our relationship patterns in more detail, and shining some light on what we can do to make changes.

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Dr. Ilene

How Being Anxious is Created in Our Relationships

When your life is consumed with anxiety, you can feel like you are going crazy, but I can assure you that you aren’t. And none of the other people in your life who deal with anxiety are either. All living things are anxious. At its core, anxiety is merely an expression of our instinct to survive. When you’re anxious, you’re alert. You’re ready to react. So, anxiety isn’t a dysfunction or birth defect, it’s what gives us the push to do something in response to a threat. However, issues arise when we don’t apply a helpful response to that threat, usually because we aren’t understanding it clearly or accurately. In our daily lives, we encounter many people and situations that our instincts might perceive as a threat. When that happens, we usually react with our emotions, instead of assessing the situation with rational thoughts. When we react from instinct and emotion, we tend to apply a solution that’s counterproductive; we behave in ways that distract us from the real threat or make the threat worse. Below is an example of how this might playout.

Gabrielle came to see me for therapy because she was feeling distant and disconnected from her parents. As we got to talking, Gabrielle explained that she’d found she could dodge her parents’ criticism by simply not talking to them about what was bothering her. She never told them what she really thought, and this contributed to a lack of communication between them. Gabrielle felt threatened by her parents’ disapproval of her, so she distanced herself and hid her true feelings from them. Her natural reaction to the perceived threat was to hide; however, that way of managing her anxiety around their disapproval and criticism wasn’t giving her the type of connection she truly wanted with them. Was it Gabrielle’s fault that she wasn’t connected with her parents? No, not necessarily. It’s natural to want to distance yourself from people you feel threatened by. However, if her true goal was to feel closer to her parents, she would have to try a different approach—because her approach was only containing and displacing the anxiety, rather than actually addressing and resolving it.

Without us being conscious of it, we all shape the functioning of everyone we’re in relationship with, in a continual and reciprocal process. When anxiety and stress is expressed in one person, it reflects the functioning of that person’s relationship with another person. You see, we’re constantly responding to each other at a very subtle level. If I have to stay away from you by distancing, it means you’re important to me and how I feel about myself. We’re all very tuned into each other; so much so, in fact, that we can think of our family as one nervous system. We’re so interconnected that our emotional responses get in the way of our ability to have good, solid relationships. The quality of our relationships depends on how much room is there for each person to maintain their individuality, while remaining connected to each other. We can’t fully control the stressors in our lives or our natural reactions to them, but we can improve our coping skills, by learning how to respond more effectively to these stressors.

Gabrielle wasn’t able to maintain a solid sense of herself or stay confident about her decisions in the presence of her parents. Her parents, anxious about her ability to make the right decisions in her life, were trying to offer advice based on their experiences to ease their own anxiety. This had Gabrielle feeling anxious, leading her to dodge any meaningful conversations she might be able to have with them. They were so interconnected, that their emotional responses to each other were keeping them from truly connecting. However, because of this very interconnection, any member of the family has the power to change how the family operates, by changing their responses and behaviors.

When you see that you aren’t crazy, and that your family isn’t crazy either; when you understand that there’s a larger systemic process at work; when you grasp how anxiety gets transmitted, and what makes you feel anxious, then you can decide what you’d like to do about it. In Gabrielle’s case, she decided that, if she wanted to have a better relationship with her parents, she would need to work on maintaining her authenticity by not editing herself around them. She worked on managing her anxiety around their criticism and her natural urge to be accepted by them. She worked on developing herself, by coping more effectively with the high level of emotions she experienced around her parents. She got more objective about the threat her parents actually posed to her well-being and sense of value. And all of this allowed her to connect with them more meaningfully over time.

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Dr. Ilene

 

Simple Steps for Taking Charge of Your Life, Starting from Within

You can usually change your outside circumstances. If you hate your car, hair, job, or weight, you can do something about it. Whether you believe that or not, there’s always an option to change the world outside of you, as hard as that might be. However, most people don’t think about starting by changing from within instead of automatically trying to change everything around them. We tend to believe that until the things around us are different, we can’t be emotionally sound or feel good about our lives. I call BS on that. In reality, that very notion is what prevents us from making the changes necessary for us to live happy and fulfilling lives. That’s because putting all of our efforts into looking outside of ourselves blocks us from seeing what’s within. As an alternative to blaming our world, we can start by looking inside ourselves and asking, “How am I contributing to creating the world around me?” “In what ways are my thinking, behaviors, and actions self-defeating and perpetuating the life I’m living?” “What do I get out of the life I’m living?” and “Why do I continue the same automatic behaviors over and over again, even if they don’t make me happy?”

I’ve found that life will keep handing you similar circumstances until you change from within. At that point, you have a choice: You can react to life in the same ways you always have, wishing that annoying, crappy, horrible situation didn’t happen, or you can choose to respond differently. Instead of always trying to change your outside world and complaining about the unfairness of it all, why not take the time to work on evolving from within? I always wonder how different people would be if instead of working so hard on changing their outside world, they worked on becoming more emotionally independent from within.

You might be thinking this is crazy talk or wondering what in the world I mean by emotional independence. If that’s the case, allow me to clarify. What I mean by emotional independence is the ability to manage your life and your stress levels, even under difficult circumstances. This kind of independence is accomplished by building who you are from the inside out, not the outside in.

Emotional independence is a type of inner resilience that lets you know you can meet, solve, and be with any circumstance you face. It means building your sense of self on your own, without depending on others to make you happy or tell you who you should be. Accepting ourselves and changing unhelpful perceptions and behaviors allows us to find the strength we need to create a personalized sense of inner calm. It empowers us to see ourselves as separate from others and declare independence from circumstances that might once have dictated our moods, behaviors, and ideas about ourselves.

I know, I know. That all sounds good on paper, but actually practicing it is something else altogether. The truth is, it’s more comfortable to hold on to our usual, automatic responses (even if those responses don’t make us happy) than it is to change them. And even if we do want to change from within, it’s sometimes hard to know where to begin. Allow me to help you with that part. Below are some simple steps you can start taking to begin living from within now.

Know that you are the sum of your choices. I know that might sound a bit harsh, especially if you don’t love your life too much right now, but it doesn’t mean that you’re to blame for every shitty thing that happens to you. It actually isn’t your fault that you make certain choices in your life. We learn automatic ways to deal with situations based on the position we held in our families of origin, and we continue to respond to life in that matter as we get older. The first thing we have to do is pay more attention to ourselves and become aware of how we naturally respond to situations. Only then can we make changes in the choices we make, which will lead us to live more purposeful and intentional lives.
Gain an understanding of your values and long-term goals. When’s the last time you had some time to yourself without your phone, the TV, or other means of distraction? We’re constantly blasted with stimuli that take us away from reflecting and being aware of our minds and ourselves. Try to take a good 10 minutes a day to self-reflect. Take yourself on as a research project. Get to know yourself better. During this time, watch your mind wander without judgment. What do you think about? What emotions do your thoughts trigger? Over time, you’ll start learning about the most important person in your life: you! Then you can begin to gain an understanding of your values and long-term goals.
Say goodbye to “shoulds” and “ought to’s”. All of us learn a bunch of “shoulds” and “ought to’s” throughout our lives. You know, things like, “I should be happy all the time,” or “I ought to be exceptional at everything I do.” Most of the time, ideas of that nature dictate how we live our lives. We have to be willing to identify the inner voices that tell us what we should and ought to be, in order to distinguish them from our own true voice. It’s important to decide to be free from the expectations others have of you; otherwise, you risk living a potentially unfulfilling life. We’re not always aware that we’re taking other people’s expectations on as our own. But when we do it, we wind up feeling anxious, resentful, uncomfortable, unfulfilled, and empty. Recognize that those kinds of emotions can serve as signals to let you know you aren’t living from your personal truth, but rather based on the “shoulds” and “ought to’s”.
Know yourself through your most important relationships. We develop our emotional independence from our most important relationships with others. What I mean by this is that we can’t know who we are until we get a good understanding of how we relate to other people. Our family and romantic relationships commonly trigger us the most; but if we’re paying attention, these triggers can reveal to us how reactive we are to others’ opinions of us. Being emotionally independent doesn’t mean that the people in your life have absolutely no effect on you. However, it supports you in striking a good balance between emotional closeness and distance, allowing you to regulate yourself even around people who know your triggers. Your close relationships shouldn’t feel like a burden or a crutch you need to feel good about yourself and your life.
Take responsibility for yourself. When we blame others for our difficulties, we put 100% of the blame on them. By doing this, we make them 100% responsible for fixing the problems we face. That leaves us feeling emotionally dependent and uncomfortably vulnerable. In order to better manage your emotions, you have to take responsibility for your part in the problems you face. This puts you in the driver’s seat of your own life, instead of being driven by your emotions. It helps you become aware of the options you have to improve your situation and quiets your unsettling feelings, giving you more control of your emotional responses.
Know how your brain works. Serotonin and dopamine are the chemicals our brains release to give us the feelings of joy and happiness. According to neuroscience research, we can condition ourselves to feel happier about our lives by changing the way we think about and perceive our experiences. Our brains us help us decide what makes us happy, and according to research, it has nothing to do with the outside world. It’s all about how we perceive the outside world. More proof that happiness really does come from within. Even if you think you don’t have control over your feelings now, by changing your thinking over time, you can gain more control over your emotions, allowing you to live a more emotionally independent life. People, circumstances, and your bank account can’t control you! You can feel every emotion you want to feel by engaging in more purposeful thoughts and actions. Happiness is your decision.

You can take a new look at yourself and your actions, opening yourself up to making changes that you might never have considered; or, you can continue to do the same things you’ve always done. Living an emotionally independent life means opening yourself up to new experiences and letting go of the idea that it’s better to live comfortably than to work on changing out of fear of the unknown. There’s another type of emotional comfort worth trying out, and that’s the self-confidence of knowing you can handle anything you face. Emotional independence is the only lasting security, the only real sense of internal comfort.

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Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

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Dr. Ilene

 

Answers to Frequently Asked Questions About Anxiety

Answers to Frequently Asked Questions About Anxiety

1. What are some of the most common signs of an anxiety/panic attack people should learn to recognize as it sets in?

An anxiety/panic attack can be described as a sudden onset of intense fear or discomfort that reaches a peak very quickly. Some common signs people should learn to recognize are:

Accelerated heart rate

Sweating

Shaking

Shortness of breath

Chest pain

Nausea

Feeling light-headed

Numbness or tingling sensations

Fear of losing control or “going crazy”

Fear of dying

2. Once an anxiety/panic attack strikes, what’s the first thing a person should do? Do you have a general outline of how to diffuse an attack once it’s started?

When an attack strikes, the first thing a person should do is identify what it is. Recognize that it is a panic attack, many people fear the worst when panic attacks start, thinking they are dying, and that could make them feel more intense. So first recognize and define it, then don’t try to stop it. I know that sounds counter intuitive but the more we try to stop something the more it persists. Say something to yourself like, “This is a panic attack and its okay.” Then try some deep breathing by inhaling slowly and deeply through your nose. Keep your shoulders relaxed, then exhale slowly through your mouth. As you blow air out, purse your lips slightly, but keep your jaw relaxed. When breathing in say to yourself “I know I am breathing in” and when you exhale say to yourself “I know I am breathing out.” Continue that process until you feel relaxed.

3. Any quick tips or tricks you can share with friends who may be around to witness an anxiety attack?

I know it’s hard not to get anxious yourself when you see someone experiencing an anxiety attack. So, I would first identify your own uneasiness around someone you care about experiencing an attack. It’s okay to be anxious too. Then ask them how they would like you to be there for them. If they are in the midst of a major attack and can’t verbalize too much, human touch is important, so maybe place your hand on his or her back and practice the breathing exercise with them. You can also reassure them that everything is okay, they are safe, and you are there with them. If they can talk, you can count backwards with them by 2s from 30. By having to count backwards by 2s they will concentrate on something else, keeping their mind off the panic. Again, don’t stress about needing the panic to stop, let them know they can take all the time they need and normalize their experience.

4. Are there any specific triggers (alcohol, caffeine, poor sleeping habits, etc.) people suffering with anxiety should try to avoid? 

Don’t drink alcohol

Most of us know that alcohol is a natural sedative. Many of us drink to relax and to release tension. However, once the effects of alcohol are gone, anxiety may return with more intensity. If you only rely on alcohol to relieve you when you are anxious, instead of dealing with what is really going on with you, you may develop alcohol dependence. Alcohol in excess can actually induce the symptoms of anxiety. Alcohol is a toxin that when consumed in large amounts, leads to improper mental and physical functioning, by negatively impacting the levels of serotonin in the brain.

Stop smoking

Smokers often reach for a cigarette during more anxious times. However, just like drinking, smoking when you’re stressed is a quick fix that may worsen anxiety over time. Research shows that the earlier you start smoking in life, the higher your risk of being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder later in life. Research also suggests nicotine and other chemicals in cigarette smoke alter pathways in the brain linked to anxiety.

Say goodbye to caffeine

If you have chronic anxiety, caffeine is not going to be helpful when trying to reduce your anxious feelings. Caffeine can create nervousness, which is no good if you’re chronically anxious to begin with. Research has shown caffeine may cause or worsen anxiety by creating more panic attacks in people diagnosed with panic disorder. In some people, eliminating caffeine all together may significantly improve anxiety symptoms.

Avoid processed food

Low blood sugar levels, dehydration, or chemicals in processed foods such as artificial flavorings, artificial colorings, and preservatives may create mood changes in some people. Pay attention if your anxiety worsens after eating. It’s important to check your eating habits. If you notice that what you are eating is affecting how you feel, try to stay hydrated, eliminate processed foods, and eat a healthy diet rich in complex carbohydrates, fruits, vegetables, and lean proteins.

Get more sleep

Insomnia is not only a common symptom of anxiety, but lacking sleep can make your anxiety feel more intense. A sleep debt can have serious ramifications on your anxiety levels. This is because, sleep deprivation creates an imbalance in hormone levels that drive anxiety levels higher. Too little sleep also boosts adrenaline levels that can exacerbate existing anxiety issues.

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene