Ilene S. Cohen's Blog, page 7

Anxious For Answer Now On Audible!

Award-Winning “Anxious for Answers” 

Now Available on Audible 

“So much more than just another ‘self-help’ book, Dr. Ilene S. Cohen’s ‘Anxious for Answers: The surprising truth about anxiety, and how you can master it for good!’ is an educational, inspirational ‘how-to’ guide that seeks to separate the ‘fact’ from the ‘myth’ when it comes to debilitating chronic anxiety…” -James W

“Dr. Ilene’s latest book, Anxious for answers, is a timely addition to furthering our understanding of anxiety. It is a straight forward, easy to understand, and useful guide to managing the stresses of life and relationships, with practical advice and strategies for calming one’s heart and quieting one’s mind…” –Jim Rudes, Ph.D., LMFT, LCSW

“A highly informative, unique, and easy-to-read look at anxiety and how to understand and manage it with the proper tools and techniques.” -Sublime Book Review 

Enjoy Your Audiobook Now! 

Anxious for Answers is grounded in Bowen Family Systems Theory, which, when internalized, allows people to view their anxiety through a different lens, and in turn, master it. I have witnessed firsthand the many possibilities this “radical” approach offers:

* Learn to “self-soothe”– finding the serenity within you.
* Preserve your inner calm in the face of life’s chaos.
* Lead a less anxious, more conscious and more intentional life.
* Build better relationships and make better life decisions.
* Train yourself to stop reacting to old childhood “programming.”

Anxiety may be a fact in your life, but with Anxious for Answers as your guide, you’ll learn to better manage it while opening the door to a calmer, richer, and more fulfilling life.

Click here for your audible! 

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Dr. Ilene

How to Let Go of the Need to Please

It usually starts as a logical tactic. We gain others’ approval, make them happy for a moment, and feel pretty good about ourselves. It seems like the perfect path to take—and it’s one we can continue for many years, believing it’s reducing our anxiety about disapproval in our daily lives. In actuality, it can work pretty well in getting people to like us. We avoid having them disapprove of our actions, and we get to enjoy that friendly pat on the back every once in a while. But there will come a time when the constant need to please—the very solution to our problems—will run its course. And that identical behavior that brought us so many feelings of accomplishment will become the problem itself.

When we urgently aim to please other people, we seek approval from outside sources. And whenever we reach for something in the outside world to give us what we should be giving ourselves, we set ourselves up for disappointment. We set ourselves up to live a life we don’t particularly want but will fit with what other people expect of us. We don’t dare to take a chance on something that may bring on a disapproving stare or rank low on the social status meter. We do what’s expected of us. We do what others want for us and from us. In return, we get their approval. You might be thinking, “Why not seek approval?” Well, the reason is that we only get it at the expense of knowing what we want and being our true selves. When we seek others’ approval, we miss opportunities to learn how to approve of ourselves—even if others don’t.

If you can relate, try focusing on how your need to please pushes you to do too much instead of participating in essential things. When you find yourself getting hurt by doing things for others at the expense of yourself, it’s time to make a change.

When others’ acceptance of you impacts how you make decisions about where to spend your time, you lose awareness of what’s important to you, what drives you, and what makes you happy. You might feel stuck doing work you don’t particularly enjoy and continue counterproductive habits. If this feels true for you, it’s time to focus your energy on getting in touch with what matters to you.

Start asking yourself questions like, what do I value? What keeps me awake at night? How is it that I prefer to spend my time? Start to listen to what you want for your life, and align your actions with your values, principles, and goals. When you live in line with what you value, your life becomes much more straightforward and more effortless.

Instead of making decisions based on what others will approve of, start making them based on what’s right for you. When you make conscious choices about spending your time and are committed to doing what’s valuable to you, you’re able to create your own life. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to be—or appear—always busy to be successful. As an alternative, you can see success as a measure of doing what matters to you.

My new reflective journal, “Not Enough You: A People-Pleasers Journal for Recapturing Your Value and Worth,” is filled with thought-provoking quotes, questions, and ideas to think about and activities that inspire a new perspective. By completing the journal exercises, you can identify unhelpful patterns and make life-changing adjustments. It’s time to commit to happiness by committing to bring out the best in YOU.

Check out my new journal here: https://amzn.to/3qDC8TD

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The Holidays Aren’t Joyous for Everyone

What To Do When Triggered During the Holidays

When we think of the holidays, most of us think of champagne, good food, gifts, scented candles, beautiful holiday lights, and family gatherings. For many, the holidays are the happiest time of year; but for others, it’s a very different story. If you’re someone who experiences the holidays as a time of stress, anxiety, emotional triggers, and pain, you aren’t alone. This time of year comes with the added pressure to feel joyous and happy; but for many, the thought of gathering with family or partaking in holiday activities is anything but a source of joy. It’s a time of stress and anxiety, fights and disagreements, migraines and overeating. Memories of disappointing holidays, empty promises, gift-less Christmases, and lightless Chanukahs leave a void in the hearts of people throughout the world. And for many, the loss of family members due to sickness, death, or cutoff adds another layer of pain and hurt.

Sadly, many of us have experienced severe conflict and anxiety around holiday season; therefore, this time of year may be emotionally difficult and draining. I have yet to find the perfect family we see in holiday movies in real life. Most of us don’t spend our holiday sitting around a beautiful fireplace with our loved ones, sipping hot chocolate and laughing about good old times. Instead, being home for the holidays is an experience that can often trigger nasty flashbacks and bring up emotional distress—so much so, that avoiding a holiday dinner can seem like the wisest choice.

You might have a family that pressures you to spend the holidays with them or expects you to host every year.  Or, if you’re cut off from your family, you might find yourself flooded with bad holiday memories and stuck at home alone, with no place to go. Some families don’t have peaceful conversations around the dinner table; they sit in silence or endure uncomfortable discussions. People endure interrogations and insults from drunk family members, or face endless criticisms that make them wish they’d stayed home.

The discomfort and pain of family gatherings feel worse when you’re pressured to enjoy your family during the holidays, but just can’t seem to do it. You convince yourself that this year will be different. But it’s always the same. Someone gets drunk and verbally attacks everyone; another person expects to be served all night; someone else insults the food. People don’t automatically change into joyous human beings just because it’s the holidays; they bring their same selves to the table, which can be hurtful and disappointing.

Because the holidays come around only once a year, there’s an added pressure to make things jolly and cheerful; when that doesn’t happen, you can get left feeling sad and wondering if you’re the only one going through this. I’m here to tell you that it isn’t only you. As a therapist, this is my busiest time of year. This year, with the extra stress of COVID-19, everyone’s feeling affected in one way or another. So this holiday season, give yourself a much-needed break from the pressure and stress. Use this time to give yourself the gift of self-care, only doing what feels right for you. If you don’t have the money this year, don’t overdo it on gifts; in fact, don’t buy gifts at all. If you aren’t comfortable hosting a big dinner, don’t offer to do it. Take care of yourself. Protect yourself. Be aware of things that trigger you, and do what you can to manage yourself and get through to next year. I don’t usually find avoidance to be helpful, but I do believe in giving yourself time to sort out how you feel. Time to just let things be for a bit. Remember, if you’re already feeling stressed and overwhelmed, you may need some time to sort out how you want to spend your holidays. If you feel very emotional, know that you aren’t alone and you will get through this. Be compassionate and patient with yourself. And if the tensions get high, remember that you’re well within your right to say No and do what’s best for you. When you feel in control of your reactions and responses, you can more effectively address situations that might otherwise seem overwhelming. Take it one day at a time. Remember that feelings are only temporary, and in many cases, what we feel trapped in is not our forever. You deserve to be happy—not only during the holidays, but in life, too.

It’s never a bad idea to reach out for professional help, especially if you’re experiencing intense emotions or struggling with suicidal thoughts.

24/7 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1–800–273–8255

You Can Text HOME to 741741 in US for the Crisis Text Line.

Deciding to be Thankful When My World is in Chaos

When you are grateful – when you can see what you have – you unlock blessings to flow in your life.

-Suze Orman.

Even with thanksgiving and the holidays coming up, many of us aren’t feeling like celebrating during a pandemic. With multiple variables stressing us out, working our way into the holidays seems like some joke. Planning thanksgiving can be challenging enough, now planning it with safety concerns can seem almost impossible. I can only assume that there will be many empty seats at the table this year. Sadly, some people lost their loved ones, to others being cautious and staying away from their family and friends. This year more than ever, deciding to be thankful is a real challenge. When overwhelmed by bad news, anxiety, daily stressors, and life’s many curveballs, what is there to be grateful for exactly?

As Dr. Wayne Dyer is famous for saying, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” It’s useful when we are willing to change our views towards a more thankful lens, especially during the hard times. It’s easy to be thankful, grateful, and happy when all is going smoothly. The real test of our thankfulness comes in when life throws us challenges. At some point in our lives, we have to face ourselves and our reactivity to life’s pitfalls to become genuinely grateful people. We have to evaluate our beliefs—which doesn’t mean changing who we are but becoming more of who you are—and decide what type of person we want to be in the face of anxiety.

For me, I needed to change my beliefs and evaluate the things I was genuinely grateful for, and I’m not alone in this. Growing up in an instant-gratification-based culture, I inevitably thought that a stress-free life is the only good life. I came to understand that you can be thankful even when life doesn’t shower you with blessings. However, if we are honest with ourselves, most of the time, we aren’t walking around thinking about how fortunate we are for the good things going on in our lives, even when things are pretty great. I am generally not a complainer, though sometimes I find myself lost in the negatives of life that I forget about the good. All of us have struggles that seem impossible to bear at times, though we also have blessings that can quickly go overlooked.

If anything, living in a pandemic has taught us that we get used to our circumstances while forgetting the overall picture of how good we have it. That’s why it’s essential to take a moment to appreciate what you already have, what you have achieved, and how far you have come. It’s a shame to have so much beauty if we don’t take a moment to look around and truly see what is there already.

It’s like the saying, “It’s not happy people who are grateful. It’s grateful people who are happy.” I know plenty of people with great fortunes in their lives—and I’m not talking only about money; I’m talking about family, friends, health, and freedom—who are not only ungrateful but just plain miserable. Just as gratefulness is a choice, so is misery.

No matter who you are, where you come from, or your status, it’s easy to forget to be grateful for what you have. We’re always looking for the next best thing, wanting what other people have so badly that we become blind to what’s right in front of us every single day. It’s hard to admit, but I daydream about my pre-pandemic life daily. I don’t know if I truly appreciated how good I had it.  But I now know that the secret to happiness doesn’t mean having a perfect life. The secret is being happy, grateful, and thankful for the stuff you already have, and living in the present, accepting things as they are. It’s lovely to thrive for a less stressful environment and life, as long as you remain in a place of gratefulness every moment along the journey toward getting there. You have to live in this moment, not tomorrow or yesterday. Be okay with what you have now. Think about it. What are you thankful for this year?

Get a copy of my new book “Anxious for Answers: The surprising truth about anxiety, and how you can master it for good!” https://amzn.to/2N1xKfb

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Done Pleasing: An Important Message for People-Pleasers and Approval Seekers

“I was always going to let someone down, so I decided it wouldn’t be me anymore.”

-Unknown

Always looking to others for how you feel inside yourself.

Focusing your life around everyone else but yourself.

Believing that caring about yourself is wrong.

Not feeling worthy unless others validate you.

Feeling miserable inside when rejected by others.

Taking the blame for what others do to themselves.

Muting your inner voice in fear that it will disrupt others.

Avoiding confrontation at all costs.

Wondering if you were born with a backbone, or if you’ll ever be able to have your own life

Questioning whether having relationships is worth the feeling of being drained and pulled into

doing things you don’t want to do.

Having no idea what boundaries are or how to apply them.

Feeling lost, alone, and burned out.

Seeking approval, validation and worth from the outside.

Knowing you’ll never be enough.

Waiting for everyone else to change.

Not realizing that the power for change relies within only you.

Does any of this sound familiar? If it does, you might be feeling trapped, overwhelmed, and

unfulfilled in your relationships. And if you’re living your life to please others or seek their

approval, you’re most definitely right to feel that way.

I have a message for you, one that I hope can help you make meaningful changes in your

life. You have value, worth, and every right to your own opinions, feelings, and ideas. You’re

not here to be an emotional dumpster for other people, and your purpose in life isn’t to make

other people feel better about themselves. You aren’t responsible for anyone else’s life—only

your own or your young children’s, if you have them. I’m sorry if someone raised you to believe

that you’re only valuable if you can soothe them, if you don’t upset them, if you’re perfect, if

you only agree with them and do what they say. That’s about them and their own discomfort and

immaturity; it isn’t your fault. If you can find a way to pull yourself out of the control of others,

you’ll finally be free to be your own person. When you’re ready to do this, know that you aren’t

wrong to have your own voice; it’s okay to upset others if all you’re doing is being yourself. You

aren’t selfish for saying no, doing things you enjoy instead of doing things for others, and taking

time for yourself. If you feel drained, burned out, and overwhelmed, that’s a sign that you’re

doing too much.

I understand what you’re going through. I grew up putting others’ needs before my own.

I was taught that doing things for other people and making them feel better was the way to get

attention and approval. As long as I was a perfect angel, I could receive love. And this is really

the only thing that children want— to feel loved and know that they belong. It’s only natural for

us to do what we can to feel love and accepted. As children, it’s almost impossible to grow into

our true selves when we live in fear of other people’s reactions, especially if those people are

parents or significant people in our lives. I spent a lot of my life waiting for other people to

change. But as I got older, I came to understand that the only person I can change is myself.

Realizing this made me terrified. But I knew what was at stake if I didn’t find my own voice.

Just as you might, I had many fears:

I was scared of how others would react to me,

fearful of rejection and abandonment,

terrified of conflict,

fearful of criticism,

scared of being disliked,

horrified that if no one needed me, I wouldn’t be worthy.

Instead of looking for validation from others, it’s important to find a way to find it within

ourselves. To get rid of our fears, we have to face them, no matter how anxious that makes us

feel. Understanding that our fears aren’t based on facts or reality can help us. Our anxiety, after

all, is just a signal warning us of a threat—and any perceived threat to our purpose, value, or

sense of meaning can bring about just as much anxiety as an actual threat to our survival.

Because our people-pleasing and fears usually derive from childhood, it’s important to look back

in order to move forward. In my childhood years, it was unsafe for me to ruffle any feathers or

act in ways that might upset the people around me. As I got older, I realized that my anxiety

around speaking up, being criticized, or being reacted to negatively had no bearing on the truth

of my life. When I realized that I didn’t have to be fearful, there was no longer any real threat.

When I stopped basing my response to others on my past fears, I finally stopped hiding behind

people-pleasing behaviors. You can put your people-pleasing ways behind you. You can take

care of yourself first; because in reality, that’s the only real way you can truly live a life that

Get a copy of my new book “Anxious for Answers: The surprising truth about anxiety, and how you can master it for good!” https://amzn.to/2N1xKfb

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Dr. Ilene

Understanding Forgiveness: How to Say “I’m Sorry”

Understanding Forgiveness: How to Say “I’m Sorry”

  “Nothing will ever change while you point the finger of blame. Out of responsibility comes possibility.”

–Lisa Villa Prosen

“Why is it so hard to admit when you’re wrong?” exclaimed my client Sam to his wife, Marlin. Sam explained that when Marlin did something to hurt him, it wasn’t so much the action that bothered him but the fact that she would never take responsibility for it and would, instead, get defensive, finding a way to place the blame on him. Many people don’t try to mend hurt feelings in their relationships because they can’t or won’t take responsibility for their actions; this ends up making the offended person feel worse. It actually takes a lot of strength and self-awareness to recognize when you’re wrong or acknowledge that you’ve hurt someone. Confronting the people in your relationships when they’ve hurt you pushes them to face their pride. It’s hard to admit when you’ve done something wrong—especially when you’re too prideful to place yourself at the mercy of others. What Marlin later came to realize is that she engaged in denial or placed blame on others so that she wouldn’t have to deal with her own shortcomings. It was hard for her to see that she made her own mistakes and sometimes contributed to the problems in her marriage.

“It takes vulnerability to say I’m sorry. That’s why I have a hard time with it,” said Marlin. It wasn’t that she was mean or evil, like her husband sometimes believed; it was that actually taking a step back and realizing she was the possible cause of another person’s suffering was hard for her to accept. I can relate to that, because I used to get defensive or shut down emotionally if someone ever confronted me for doing something they didn’t like. Mostly I got defensive because I didn’t want to admit that I had hurt someone or made a mistake, especially if that wasn’t my intention. However, the thing about someone else’s hurt feelings is that you can’t argue your way out of them. It’s a subjective experience. If you did something and that something was interpreted in a way that was unpleasant for another person, then it is what it is. No amount of defensiveness is going to change that. By accepting that, you can learn from your mistakes, instead of denying them.

The Importance of Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook for their actions, but freeing ourselves of negative energies that bind us to them.”

–Anonymous  

In your family, are there people who aren’t on speaking terms? If there are, you’re not alone. Research reveals staggering figures for how many people in a given family aren’t on speaking terms. And when you ask people to explain what caused this, they often give childish responses. If there is forgiveness in families, it usually exists on the superficial level. Family members might ask for forgiveness but won’t really understand what they did or feel truly sorry about it. That, or they  heirithin the PRogram of the lielationships when they’s for 1 Yearisits As Neede)y Primary Needs Within the PRogram of the librush their feelings under the rug, believing the other person will never understand. A deeper level of forgiveness acts as a way to repair the relationship. It occurs when you’ve been hurt by someone close to you and you work through all the conflicting feelings to get to a place of true acceptance of the problem. In order to repair the relationship, both parties must engage in mutual acceptance and a deeper level of forgiveness—for themselves and for each other.  So how do we do that, especially when it comes to disagreements within our own families?

1. Know it’s okay to be vulnerable. Dr. Luskin has acknowledged that in his work with hundreds of patients, he always considers what he refers to as the nine steps of forgiveness. The first involves accepting responsibility for your own role in causing others hurt. It means knowing how you feel about what happened and being able to clearly communicate what aspects of the situation are not okay with you.

Dr. Luskin explains that the reason forgiveness is such a popular topic is that we hurt people all the time. Think about it: I’m sure you’ve experienced many relationship issues, some of which you didn’t know how to mend. It’s important to really try and understand how your actions affect others, especially in family relationships. In order to do that, you have to allow yourself to be open and vulnerable. Being vulnerable means acknowledging and admitting that you hurt someone.

2. Say “I’m sorry.” But when you say it, make sure you really mean it and are genuinely sorry. A real apology is when you admit to the poor choice you made that directly hurt another person, and when you truly feel responsible for what you did. When a person accepts responsibility and promises to make up for what they did, it can not only repair the relationship, but strengthen it as well. We must remember that apologizing isn’t a bad thing; it’s only natural to make mistakes or occasionally hurt someone without intending to. Once the harm is done, it’s important to come forward, apologize, and not continue making the same mistakes.

3. Ask for forgiveness. Not all forgiveness happens between people in a conversation. Sometimes we must seek or offer forgiveness to people who are no longer living or with whom we no longer have contact. However, a majority of relationship issues occur between individuals who have an ongoing relationship. After you’ve said you’re sorry, you have to move beyond the apology to re-establish your relationship. Apologies are just words. As popular Minister Dr. Amy Butler (known as Pastor Amy) says, “Forgiveness is the next stage, where we are actually engaged in the unusual act of reconciliation. I can get up on the dance floor by myself and look really beautiful. But if what I really want is to dance with you, and you won’t get up on the dance floor, then I will always be on my own.” By contrast, she says, the moment of receiving forgiveness “is this moment of true humanity when we are seen for who we really are and loved anyway.”

These are just a few ways you can approach forgiveness, moving beyond the simple uttering of the words, “I’m sorry.” If you know you’re wrong about something, it’s important that you come clean and acknowledge what you believe you’ve done wrong. This will allow for more openness and intimacy in your relationships. Unfortunately, some people will never admit to being wrong or say they’re sorry for their actions. They may even go on denying them for years to come. This is especially painful in situations that involve abuse, infidelity, or crimes committed. Whether or not you receive a direct apology from someone who’s harmed you, it’s still important to try to find forgiveness within yourself. This doesn’t mean that you need to keep a relationship with the person who’s hurt you, or even that you accept their behavior. It just means releasing your resentment and anger, which is no good for anyone. No matter what’s happening, find the strength to forgive and let go so that you can live your life with love and understanding.

Get a copy of my new book “Anxious for Answers: The surprising truth about anxiety, and how you can master it for good!” https://amzn.to/2N1xKfb

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Defining a Self While in a Relationship

“The strongest relationships are between two people who can live without each other but don’t want to.”

-Harriet Lerner

The idea of getting lost in the arms of another isn’t new. Many of us find great comfort in merging our life with someone else’s. We might even believe that it’s better for our relationships to compromise, sacrifice, and give up parts of who we are for another person. In our culture, women are trained to fit into certain roles; they’re expected to do the housework, the childcare, and all of the emotional labor. Most of us lose ourselves in these functional roles, pursuing what we think is best for our relationships and family. Men, on the other hand, are expected to fit into the provider role by delivering financial support and physical labor around the house. When they’re upset, men become emotionally distant, while women seek solutions and/or someone to blame for the conflict. Of course, these stereotypical gender roles aren’t set in stone. However, societal expectations, along with the unique roles we play in our family relationships, shape how we behave and what ideas we form about who we should be to maintain our relationships.

So, what happens when who you are doesn’t fit inside of one of society’s pre-set boxes? What happens when you continue to lose yourself for the sake of your relationships? What if you find yourself angry and upset about the culturally prescribed roles and positions you’re expected to fill? Many of us fear that if we connect more deeply with ourselves, we’ll lose our most important relationships. By constantly going with the flow, giving in, and acting in ways that we don’t necessarily prefer, we may be losing ourselves without even realizing it.

One day, you might find yourself angry, depressed, lonely, and/or lost. These emotions would make anyone confused, especially if you’ve always followed the rules. When this happens, people often think that they’re the problem. They think they must be broken, that something must be wrong with them. After all, they’ve done everything that’s supposed to make them happy, but they aren’t happy. When I encounter clients in this crisis, I always urge them to take a step back and observe themselves. To observe the patterns that are keeping them angry, depressed, and lonely—not to see what’s wrong with them, but to identify the problems before taking any actions. I encourage them to understand that their emotions aren’t something to be eliminated or interpreted as confirmation that there’s something wrong with them. Rather, they should be seen as messengers showing up to let you know what isn’t working for you in your life. If you just take the time to slow down and observe, you can start to look inward.

Looking inward offers us an opportunity to more clearly define who we are within the culture we were brought up in, and within our relationships. It enables us to express our thoughts and ideas more clearly, and to share what we’ve been going through with ourselves and others. When we can clearly state our opinions to the people we’ve usually tried to accommodate, we’re able to define who we are within our relationships. It’s important to open your mind and start challenging the beliefs and ideas that contribute to you losing yourself. Challenge the ideas that don’t match with your personal experiences. Ask yourself questions like: What ideas are getting in my way of being who I want to be? How can I have more freedom of choice in my life?

Change happens when we’re able to clearly look at ourselves and define for ourselves how we want to live and who we want to be in our relationships. So many of us get so caught up in accommodating others or defending ourselves that we don’t take the time to define ourselves. Relationships thrive when we’re free to be who we are; when we’re able to say no; when we pursue our own aspirations and goals. When two separate people with their own minds and lives come together, beautiful things can happen. But the outcome isn’t quite so beautiful when we look for another person to make a life for us, or when we take the responsibility of another person’s life on our own shoulders. Many of us have learned to depend on others, or to allow others to depend on us; but we don’t know how to value, let alone meet, our own needs. As Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. says in The Dance of Anger, “Defining a self or becoming one’s own person is a task that one ultimately does alone. No one else can or will do it for you, although others may try and we may invite them to do so. In the end, I define what I think, feel, and believe.”

Get a copy of my new book “Anxious for Answers: The surprising truth about anxiety, and how you can master it for good!” https://amzn.to/2N1xKfb

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Dr. Ilene

Simple Things You Can Do to Calm Your Nervous System

“Learn to calm down the winds of your mind, and you will enjoy great inner peace.”

 –  Remez Sasson

It’s no secret that different types of stress, whether mental, emotional, or physical, can negatively impact a person’s health. Even thinking about that fact can be stressful! The nervous system takes a big hit under stress, so working on ways to sooth it is a big part of maintaining and balancing our well-being. When our nervous systems are overwhelmed, our bodies are designed to adapt and make up for the stress—but only for short periods of time. Chronic stress—which, let’s face it, most of us deal with—puts lots of pressure on our bodies, making it extra important for us to practice calming down.

New research has found that the large intestine is home to trillions of beneficial bacteria that make up the microbiome, which comprises about 90% of the cells in the human body. Microbes in the intestinal tract respond to stress, sending emergency alarm messages to the central nervous system and brain. The gut perceives the threat and sends its own emergency signal to the brain, when then alerts every cell in the body. Throughout our evolution, these emergencies—often referred to as fight-or-flight responses—have typically been short-lived, triggered by real threats to our survival, like a tiger chasing us down.

Once the emergency is over, the body moves into a restorative mode, which activates the digestive system for nutritional replenishment, structural support, and the rejuvenation of the body to repair any damage caused by the life-threatening situation. Studies have shown that neurotransmitters, which regulate how the nervous system reacts to stress and stabilizes moods, are produced and stored within the intestinal tract. It’s important to note that 95% of the body’s serotonin is found inside the large intestine; only 5% of it resides in the brain at any given time. This is one of the main reasons why it’s so important for us to find ways to calm our nervous system. We can do this with meditation, yoga, and breathing exercises, all of which send a calming signal to our intestinal microbiology, which then delivers a message of peace to the brain, central nervous system and, ultimately, every cell of the body. In addition to engaging in these activities to calm the nervous system, supporting the health of the intestinal tract and microbiology is also a good practice. Here are a few ways you can start supporting your intestinal health and soothing your nervous system.

1. Meditation

Meditation has been shown in numerous studies to rebuild, support, and strengthen the nervous system. Research has shown that meditation is linked to optimal health and longevity.

2. Yoga

Some advanced yogis can control their bodies in extraordinary ways, thanks to the help of their nervous systems. Scientists have monitored yogis who could induce unusual heart rhythms; generate specific brain-wave patterns; and, using a meditation technique, raise the temperature of their hands by 15 degrees Fahrenheit. If they can use yoga to do that, perhaps you could learn to improve blood flow to your pelvis if you’re trying to get pregnant or induce relaxation when you’re having trouble falling asleep.

3. Nose Breathing Exercise

When people breathe through their mouths in a shallow fashion, limiting the breath to the chest cavity, the fight-or-flight mode of the nervous system gets activated. Breathing through the nose, on the other hand, stimulates the calming, restorative, digestion-boosting parasympathetic nervous system.

4. Nature Therapy

It’s hard to ignore the peace and calm that exist in the natural world. Living in the 5-day-plus-per-week rat race, working 40-60 hours every week, squeezed between personal and professional stress, is the antithesis of peace and calm. Many people connect with nature as a way to get some exercise—by taking a hike in the woods, going running, enjoying a swim in the pool or ocean, etc—but they’re also excellent ways to get some peace of mind.

5. Massage

Studies show that when you intentionally give yourself a massage, massage someone else, or hug someone in a loving way, the health-and-longevity-promoting hormone, oxytocin, is released.

There are also millions of nerve endings on your skin. Whenever something touches your skin, you feel it. Putting oil on your skin will enhance that sensory experience, creating a neurological calm throughout your body. This is a fascinating and incredibly nourishing technique to calm and soothe the nervous system.

6. Eating Relaxed

Eating in a relaxed manner activates the calming and soothing parasympathetic nervous system; conversely, eating on the run or under stress activates the fight-or-flight-based sympathetic nervous system. Make it a point to plan ahead for meals so you have enough time to relax and enjoy the process of eating your food. It’s best to do this without distractions such as TV, smartphones, reading, or driving. Calming music or conversation is best.

7. Eating A Big Lunch

Eating a light breakfast, a big lunch, and a light dinner is a stress reduction strategy that’s been used for thousands of years across the globe. Today’s science shows that eating this way de-stresses the body and allows it to function in harmony with the circadian rhythms that align with our optimal health.

8. Early to Bed, Early to Rise

As a way to reconnect with our natural circadian rhythms, we should aim to get 7 to 8 hours of sleep each night. This is key for the rejuvenation and detox of the nervous system, which happens while we sleep!

Get a copy of my new book “Anxious for Answers: The surprising truth about anxiety, and how you can master it for good!” https://amzn.to/2N1xKfb

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Dr. Ilene

Surviving Parental Burnout Without Having to “Stay Positive”

As if parenting wasn’t hard enough as it . . . try parenting in a pandemic. It’s a perfect recipe for stress, anxiety, and burnout. For us parents, this pandemic has taken our outlets for stress and robbed us of the ability to just breathe for a moment. Parents know how priceless those little moments of alone time are, even if they’re spent simply taking a shower or catching up on some emails. Having the space to clear our heads and attend to non-kid-related yet important tasks is vital for our mental health. However, with virtual school, temper tantrums, and endless demands for something or other, that space has been taken away from us. Parents everywhere are hearing, “I’m bored” more times than they can count. They’re having to answer work calls and emails while trying to drown out the screams in the background. I’d be surprised if any parent said they aren’t burnt out right now. We juggle a million tasks as it is; now we have to keep the juggling act going with our kids on top of us 24 hours a day.

I want to tell you that if you feel like you’re in survival mode, if you’re just going through the motions, if you’re anxious, numb, and unstimulated, you are most likely burnt out. And that’s okay. It’s actually pretty fitting. The pressure on parents right now is unsustainable. It’s hard. And it certainly puts a damper on life. But acknowledging that doesn’t make you a bad parent or an ungrateful person. It simply makes you human. The first step to overcoming parental burnout during a pandemic is to admit that it’s a lot to handle, acknowledge that you’re anxious, and cut yourself some much-needed slack. Whatever internal pressure you’re putting on yourself to feel better, loosen it up; there’s enough pressure coming at you from the outside right now.

Don’t push yourself to be too positive right now. Try to stick to the facts and the reality of the situation. We’re living through difficult times, when every day brings an onslaught of sadness, stress, and anger. Yes, there are periods of joy and moments of excitement. However, ignoring the hard stuff, asking each other to only talk about the positive, and shunning people when they acknowledge the bad are all signs that you’re avoiding reality.

Our society is not one that tolerates a lot of discomfort; we do many things to avoid it. Think about it: when a child cries, our immediate reaction is to make the discomfort go away. “Don’t cry! You’re okay!” Our society has conditioned us to think that only positive, happy emotions are good.

We tell people to cheer up, buck up, and be happy all the time. We’re so averse to feeling or expressing or hearing about anything less than perfection. But as parenting during a pandemic has proven, we can no longer ignore our feelings.

Ignoring problems has harmful consequences. Insisting on an overly positive view of the world risks causing us to turn our back on the very real—and very harmful—crises that exist all around us. Denying the existence of huge societal problems—or trying to stay positive as a means to ignore problems—only exasperates the existence of the problem. It’s dangerous and unhelpful.

Parenting—and especially motherhood—has been put on a pedestal. And yes, it is amazing in many ways. But there are significant fundamental issues that make motherhood incredibly difficult right now: lack of paid parental leave, lack of universal childcare options, lack of mental health support, and so much more. 

Pushing positivity isn’t just something we do to each other; we do it to ourselves, too. When we shame ourselves for feeling negatively, we’re forcing unrealistic standards on ourselves. We have thoughts like, “I shouldn’t be upset that I lost my job,” “I have so much to be thankful for,” “I feel guilty about being stressed during the pandemic,” “I have my health; I should just focus on that,” and it causes us to feel ashamed. Shame is problematic, because it can often prevent us from taking action to get help.

The solution to feeling burnt out isn’t to force yourself to feel better; it’s to welcome the negative, increase your empathy, and embrace your real experience.

Here’s the truth about life: The darkness is just as real as the light. Both are important, valid, and full of lessons—and anyway, ignoring them doesn’t make them go away. If we could learn to tolerate discomfort a little more, learn to sit in the fire, we’d learn things about ourselves we never thought possible. And if, when someone vented to us, we resisted the urge to say, “Think positive” and instead said, “I hear you,” imagine how much more compassionate our world would feel. Instead of either/or thinking, let’s work on starting to think in terms of both/and.

You can be grateful to have your health and stressed during the pandemic.

You can believe that there are good people in the world and that there are people who care only about themselves.

You can love parenthood and be fed up with it.

Both/and thinking. Because that’s what life is. It’s amazing and tragic and boring and breathtakingly hard and beautiful all at the same time.

We can feel lucky to be here and understand our dilemma as human beings.

So, let’s actually be here and acknowledge that we’re strapped into the rollercoaster and burnt out by its twists and turns. Let’s let ourselves be in it. Really in it. Because that’s what’s real. And when we let ourselves face that reality, we can come out of the struggle even better than we were before.

Get a copy of my new book “Anxious for Answers: The surprising truth about anxiety, and how you can master it for good!” https://amzn.to/2N1xKfb

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Dr. Ilene

 

How I Learned What Really Being Helpful Means

Pulling up my tights, I listened out for danger and desperate screams for help. Like any natural born superhero, I was ready to swoop in and save the day. I wanted to be the one to put the pieces of other people’s lives back together. I wanted to be the ultimate problem solver. You see, I was the perfect Mrs. Fixit, walking around with my metaphorical hammer looking for anything—or anyone—in need of fixing. I thought I was making sacrifices for the greater good, and man, did it feel great when I was helpful. I walked around feeling prideful and accomplished, thinking the badge of World’s Most Selfless Person belonged to me.

But one day, my world came crashing down around me. Anyone who lives long enough knows this can happen from time to time, but I was too young to realize it. Suddenly, I began to sink with everyone I thought I was saving, going down faster than water in a sinkhole. Looking around for a lifesaver, I realized no one was there to rescue me. Later, I came to understand that I wasn’t the superhero I thought I was. I wasn’t actually fixing anyone’s problems; in the bigger picture, I was actually making those problems worse. In essence, I was giving out Band-Aids for gunshot wounds and completely ignoring myself while I did it, giving everyone in my life the option to ignore my needs, too. When it was my turn to need rescuing, no one showed up to do it.

We all think we know what it is to be helpful—whether it’s to someone else or ourselves. We believe that trying to take away pain or discomfort will help us and the people around us, but there’s more to it all than just getting rid of pain. In my selfless superhero days, I had an unhealthy investment in other people’s lives, because I was anxious around their suffering. Since I was allergic to my own suffering, I got totally uncomfortable around anyone who wasn’t optimistic or happy all the time. I wasn’t coming to terms with a natural part of life and, in the process, was stunting the growth of my loved ones. While I thought I was freeing others of their pain and suffering, I was actually holding myself in a prison that I build around me.

When your life feels like it’s in order, it can feel like fun and games to be the people-pleasing Mrs. Fixit. But over time, the problems being brought to you just keep getting bigger and bigger, and you’re not sure why. Then you experience a tragedy, like the loss of a loved one, and you can’t really fall apart. Because everyone else is falling apart around you, there isn’t any room for your grief. So, you hold it together on the outside, while inside, you fall apart.

It’s natural as a human being to care about others, and to attempt to help those in need. Giving and receiving help is part of all personal relationships. But who defines help? How do we know when we’re being helpful? Is it the immediate relief of pain and suffering? Or is it the ability to live with pain while finding the real underlying causes? I was forced to start tackling these questions and trying to find out what is truly helpful after I found out that what I originally thought was helpful, wasn’t actually helping anyone.

Being in the presence of another’s afflictions and needs used to provoke a deeply emotional response from me. And I know I’m not alone in this. Sympathy, and the desire to help someone in distress, are naturally instinctual responses; even Darwin wrote about them as part of the social instinct humans and animals share in common. Humans and animals alike take comfort in one another’s company, protecting one another and defending each other against threats. When I was in what I now call my superhero phase, I was operating from a purely instinctual place, reacting from a place of anxiety. I couldn’t access the calm and rational responsiveness that was appropriate and necessary for actually meeting the long-term needs of others and myself. I was operating based on knee-jerk reactions, instead of coming from a place of reflection and objectivity. When a family member would come to me with no money, asking me to pay their essential bills because they had lost everything to an addiction, I would cover it for them. All I saw was that they were uncomfortable and in need. I was ignoring the bigger picture, not seeing that I was enabling rather than helping. Even though I was trying to help out of the goodness of my heart, the real problems would still persist and become more serious and embedded, especially for my addicted family member. Our efforts to be helpful might be based on good intentions, but those good intentions don’t always provide good results.

By committing to learning what real help is, I came to understand that if I could manage my anxiety about other people’s problems and invest my time thinking about real solutions, I could change my responses and do something that was legitimately helpful. As the first step in this process, I began to define my true beliefs, values, and ideas about helping others.

I’ve learned that in crisis situations, it’s best for me to calm myself down and respond as wisely as possible—when it’s needed and, of course, when it’s welcomed. The ability to manage my emotions in the highly anxious and emotional presence of another, especially a loved one in pain, is a lifelong mission of mine, because I truly believe it’s what will be helpful. If we can all manage ourselves in the face of other people’s problems, we can truly be present and accountable. On my journey to find out what it means to be truly helpful, I’ve found some tools I keep in my back pocket when the going gets tough.

First, stay in touch. This isn’t easy to do in the presence of someone who’s very anxious and upset. Some people naturally create distance when anxiety is high. Thinking that you can’t help, or that the situation is too large, can lead you to run in the other direction. I try to stay in contact with people I care about, even if their problems are too big for me to solve or aren’t solvable at all, like having an illness. Staying in touch helps me manage myself around the big stuff I can’t solve, and learn to accept people as they are.

Second, see the person past the problem. When I was walking around with a hammer, I was basically seeing everyone in my life as a nail. There was more to them than the issues they were facing, but I wasn’t relating to them as whole people. Now I look for other people’s strengths, and their ability to solve their own issues. People are more resilient than we tend to think.

Third, respect others’ boundaries and ability to solve their own problems. Many people are vulnerable when they face life’s stressors, and some people look to others to solve their problems for them. These days, I try to respect other people enough to let them come up with their own answers. Determining how much to say or not say in each situation we face is not an exact science. I respect others’ boundaries by supporting their autonomy, being there for them but staying out of the way when my opinion isn’t needed. I make sure that any ideas for possible solutions come from them. I offer useful information without telling anyone what to do.

Fourth, know your own limitations. Writing this article now, I see how arrogant I was in my superhero days. Grandiosity is something that tends to get triggered in the helping relationship, making us believe that we can do the impossible. It was humbling for me to find out how little control I have over the way others decide to live their lives. I changed my thought process from thinking I knew what’s best for my loved ones, to defining what I really could and couldn’t do; then my responses became clearer. I was able to be more open and honest about the reality of my own life and how available I could be for others. I learned the hard way that, most of the time, my limits were reached before other people’s needs were met.

Fifth, become more objective. Boy, is it hard to think objectively when it comes to our important relationships. In intense emotional situations, it’s easy to get pulled into it all and feel pressured to do something, instead of taking a step back and seeing the bigger picture. With each situation I face, I work on getting more objective about it, reflecting on how I can remain calm and not feel the need to solve anything immediately.

Sixth, work towards being open and honest. To be seen, heard, and understand is an important aspect of any relationship. However, way too many people aren’t open and honest in their relationships. When we can be open about our vulnerabilities, it can be healing and calming. When we’re trying to solve and fix everything, we aren’t connecting with others at a deeper level. We’re acting as if we’re above them. When I went through personal struggles and searched deep within myself, I got knocked off my high horse and brought back down to earth. I can now meet people where they’re at, seeing them better and letting them see me.

So, what is help? When it comes to answering this question, I think we each need to look within, deliberate, decide, and act in the context of each situation we face. What I describe here is my own personal experience. I share it as a way to get you thinking, but there’s no one-size-fits-all method for determining what help is. The biggest lesson I learned in all of this is that I wasn’t helping anyone when I was swooping in trying to solve every problem without looking at the bigger picture. I understand now that when my “helping” is rooted in anxiety and an urge to smooth things over, it isn’t coming from a genuine place. I now know it’s okay to not have all of the answers; it’s okay to take my time to think things over; it’s okay to throw my hands up and say, “This situation really stinks right now, and it’s going to be hard for a while.” It’s okay for you to do all those things, too. Not all problems can be fixed. Not every struggling person need saving. Knowing that, and accepting it, might be the most helpful thing of all.

Get a copy of my new book “Anxious for Answers: The surprising truth about anxiety, and how you can master it for good!” https://amzn.to/2N1xKfb

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Dr. Ilene