Ilene S. Cohen's Blog, page 5

Caring for Yourself in the New Year

Are you ready for the year 2024? Do you want to navigate the coming months with resilience, grace, and self-love? If your answer is a resounding “Yes!” then the starting point of this journey is YOU.

Caring for yourself goes beyond the occasional bubble bath or massage (although those are lovely!). It’s about setting goals, establishing boundaries, and creating a life that brings you joy and fulfillment. It’s about living authentically and intentionally. So, let’s dive into some practical strategies for nurturing your mind, body, and spirit in the new year.

1. Set Goals with Intention

Setting goals is essential to stepping into the new year with purpose. But it’s not just about what you want to achieve—it’s also about why. What values are driving these goals? How do these goals align with your true self? Setting intentional goals creates a roadmap that leads us closer to our authentic selves.

2. Establish Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are a powerful tool for self-care. They allow us to honor our needs and make space for our well-being. In the coming year, reflect on areas where you may need to establish or strengthen boundaries. This could be learning to say “no” more often, scheduling regular “me time,” or communicating your needs more clearly in relationships.

3. Nourish Your Body

Your body is the vessel that carries you through life—treat it with love! This means eating nourishing foods, staying hydrated, exercising regularly, and ensuring enough sleep. Remember, small, consistent actions are more impactful than drastic, short-lived changes.

4. Cultivate a Mindful Mindset

Mindfulness is about being present and engaged in the here and now. It’s about accepting our experiences without judgment. In 2024, strive to cultivate a more mindful mindset. This could be as simple as starting each day with a few minutes of meditation or taking regular daily breaks to breathe and center yourself.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

Finally, remember to be kind to yourself. You will have days when you falter, and that’s okay. Self-compassion means treating ourselves with the kindness and understanding we would offer a friend. It’s acknowledging that we’re all human, and it’s okay to be a work in progress. Stepping into the new year is exciting—a fresh start brimming with possibilities. But remember, any lasting change begins with taking care of yourself. As you move through 2024, keep these strategies in mind. Nurture your mind, body, and spirit, and create a life that aligns with your true self. Here’s to a year filled with resilience, grace, and self-love. Happy New Year!

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The Lifelong Journey of Personal Development

Many individuals seek quick solutions and universal advice to overcome their challenges. However, personal development is not a destination but an ongoing journey of self-improvement and self-discovery. It’s not a process that can be expedited through a handful of therapy sessions but rather a lifelong pursuit of becoming the best version of oneself. After all, what could be more important than that?

Personal development is a continuous process that makes life all the more enjoyable. We are constantly evolving beings, each with our unique set of challenges. These challenges can be viewed as opportunities for growth and learning rather than problems to be solved and eradicated.

Personal development encompasses enhancing one’s skills, abilities, awareness, and overall quality of life. This improvement can manifest in various ways — from learning new languages to developing emotional intelligence. While external factors like career advancement or relationship transitions can stimulate personal development, it is primarily fueled by an internal drive for self-improvement.

However, where can we develop ourselves the most? Believe it or not, it is through our most important relationships. That, combined with our internal drive for self-improvement, is one of the best ways to improve ourselves. We should not understand individuals in isolation but as part of their family system. A family is an emotional unit that significantly influences an individual’s behavior and development. For instance, understanding one’s familial relationships can help identify patterns of emotional reactivity, a crucial aspect of personal growth. By recognizing these patterns, individuals can strive towards greater emotional maturity and reduced reactivity to the dynamics of their family systems. You can also become aware of who you want to be within your most important relationships.

Consider Beth, a young professional who often conflicts with her colleagues. She had a short temper and found it challenging to handle criticism, constantly engaging in heated exchanges. Realizing the need for change, Beth decided to focus on personal development. She began by seeking to understand her emotional reactivity and its roots in her early family relationships. Beth realized her defensiveness and inability to handle criticism were patterns she had learned in her childhood home, where expressing disagreement was often met with hostility. With this insight, Jane committed to changing her behavior. She started practicing active listening, responding rather than reacting, and developing empathy towards her colleagues. Over time, she noticed a distinct change in her interactions, reflecting her growth and maturity within her professional relationships.

Brain Plasticity and Personal Development

Recent research on brain plasticity has given us a new perspective on personal development. Brain plasticity, or neuroplasticity, is the brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. This neuroscientific concept suggests that our brains are not rigidly hardwired as once thought but are dynamic and adaptable.

Brain plasticity means that our habits, behaviors, and thought patterns can change over time, reinforcing the idea that personal development is an ongoing process. With consistent effort, we can reshape our brains to develop new skills, adopt healthier habits, and overcome limiting beliefs.

The Lifelong Journey

Personal development is not a destination but a continuous path through self-awareness of what needs to change. It requires commitment, effort, and patience, along with a willingness to see what we are up against in our most profound relationships. Here are some steps to help you on your journey:

1. Self-awareness: Begin by understanding yourself better. Recognize your strengths, weaknesses, values, and beliefs. Assess how you respond to different situations and what triggers certain behaviors in you. This understanding is the first step towards positive change. Keep a journal to record your thoughts, feelings, and reactions, and review it regularly for patterns and areas of improvement.

2. Understanding Your Family System: By viewing yourself as a part of an interconnected system, you can identify how your family dynamics have shaped your behaviors, emotions, and thought patterns. Understanding and addressing these familial patterns can lead to improved communication, healthier boundaries, and reduced emotional reactivity within the family system. Working on yourself involves acknowledging the interactive nature of personal development within your family context.

3. Goal Setting: Identify what you want to improve or achieve. Ensure your goals are SMART – Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound. Once you’ve set your goals, devise a clear plan of action to bring them to fruition. Detail the steps you need to take, resources you may require, and potential obstacles you may encounter. Regularly assess your progress and adjust your plan if necessary, understanding that flexibility is critical to achieving your goals.

4. Skill Acquisition: Learn and develop the necessary skills to achieve your goals. This could involve formal education, online courses, reading, or practicing a specific skill. Suppose your goal is to improve your public speaking skills. Start by identifying areas you wish to enhance, such as articulation, body language, or audience engagement. Next, look for resources that can aid in your development. This could involve signing up for a public speaking course, reading books on the topic, or watching online tutorials.

5. Reflection and Evaluation: Regularly reflect on your progress. Consider what’s working, what isn’t, and how you can adjust your approach. For example, your goal might be to improve communication within your romantic relationship. After implementing changes for a month, you might reflect on what progress has been made. You may notice that while you’re having fewer arguments, you still struggle to express your feelings clearly. This reflection indicates that while the changes have been beneficial, there’s still room for improvement. The evaluation might lead you to seek resources focused explicitly on expressing emotions effectively. Remember, reflection and evaluation are ongoing processes crucial for continuous growth and development in any aspect of life.

6. Persistence: Change takes time. Stay committed to your personal development journey, even when it gets tough. Consider finding a therapist or joining a support group to help you stay persistent in your growth. Try not to give up and remember it is okay to take breaks. Development doesn’t happen in a straight line; there will be setbacks, and that is typical.

Personal development is a lifelong journey. It’s about being open to change and growth, understanding your family system, leveraging the power of brain plasticity, and consistently working towards becoming the best version of yourself. Remember, every step, no matter how small, brings you closer to your personal growth goals. And no matter how much work you have done on yourself, we all go backward at times, and the critical part is that you get yourself back up.

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Family Gatherings: Navigating Tensions and Fostering Harmony

The holiday season is often painted as a time of joy, peace, and togetherness. For some, it is indeed the most beautiful time of the year. However, navigating family dynamics can be incredibly challenging for others. It’s especially true for those who have lost loved ones, are estranged from family, or come from an abusive home.

Consider the case of Jane. Every year, Jane anxiously looked forward to the holiday season, not for the festive celebrations but for the inevitable drama that unfolded at her family gatherings. Her Uncle Bob, infamous for his outspoken opinions and inappropriate remarks, would inevitably push the boundaries. At the last gathering, he made distasteful comments about Jane’s recent divorce, creating an awkward and uncomfortable atmosphere.

Rather than lashing out or retreating in embarrassment, Jane decided to tactfully address the situation if he would bring it up again in conversation with her in the next gathering. Inevitably, he did, and she calmly and assertively expressed her thoughts, saying, “Uncle Bob, I understand that you might not be aware, but I am comfortable and happy about my divorce; even though it has been hard at times, it has been a positive transition for my life. I would appreciate it if we could talk about something else. I am already clear about your position on divorce.” Her response was a firm yet respectful way to establish boundaries and promote a healthier and more harmonious gathering.

If you dread the upcoming family gatherings, remember that it’s okay and pretty typical. Your feelings are valid, and you’re not alone. Many people experience increased stress and anxiety during this time of year. In fact, as a therapist, it is my busiest time of year! Here are some strategies to help you navigate the season gracefully, even amidst the most intense family dynamics.

Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is crucial when dealing with challenging family members. Decide in advance what topics you’re willing to discuss and which ones you’d rather avoid. Politely but firmly steer conversations away from potential triggers. It’s okay to say, “I’d rather not talk about that right now,” or to remove yourself from a conversation that becomes uncomfortable.

Also, it is okay to set boundaries around whether you will host or not host and who you will invite to your home. I often hear about how families get offended when boundaries are set, especially around the holidays. However, know you are doing everything correctly if you are being respectful and clear about what can be expected from you. Just because you are family does not mean you must give in to every request or demand.

Practice Focusing on Yourself

Prioritize your well-being. Ensure you get enough sleep, eat healthily, and make time for activities you enjoy. Regular exercise, meditation, and deep breathing can also help manage stress. Focus on you and the impact others have on you, and use family gatherings to see what your triggers are and what relationships need to be mended. You can even learn what relationships you prefer to remain distant from in the future.

Connect with Supportive People

This can be a difficult time for those who have experienced loss or are estranged from their families. Remember that redefining what ‘family’ means to you is okay. It doesn’t have to be blood relatives; it can be friends, mentors, or anyone who provides emotional support and understanding. Spend time with these people during this time to ensure you’re surrounded by positivity and love. The holidays should be about spending time with the ones we love and enjoy being with.

Plan Ahead

If you know that specific family dynamics may be challenging, plan ahead. Consider strategies for dealing with potential conflicts or difficult conversations. This could involve rehearsing responses or developing a ‘signal’ with a supportive family member to help extricate yourself from a challenging situation. It is more difficult to be responsive when triggered, so having a plan beforehand can help you better deal with the problem. Remember, you can’t control how others treat you, but you can learn to control how you choose to act and respond.

Allow Yourself to Feel

The holidays can bring up a lot of emotions. Permit yourself to feel them without judgment. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or overwhelmed. These feelings are normal and valid. Consider seeking support from a trusted friend or mental health professional if you’re struggling.

Practice Gratitude

Despite the challenges, try to find moments of gratitude each day. There can be joy, love, and connection moments, even amid family chaos. Focusing on these positives can help to balance the difficulties. Even when family gatherings bring up stress and anxiety, the holidays are when new memories are created.

The season is a time of celebration, but it’s also a time of increased stress and anxiety for many. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your well-being and set boundaries with family members. Use these tips as your survival kit, and remember that redefining what ‘family’ means to you is perfectly fine. You might find that doing so allows you to enjoy the season in a whole new way.

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Embrace Authenticity and Live Your True Self: Unleashing Your True Self While Nurturing Relationships.

In a time when conformity often takes precedence, embracing our authentic selves can seem daunting. However, as Brene Brown articulates in “Braving the Wilderness” and Glennon Doyle emphasizes in “Untamed,” living authentically is liberating and essential for our overall well-being.

Living authentically involves embracing and expressing our true selves, not the versions of ourselves that society expects or accepts. This authenticity is deeply intertwined with our sense of self-worth and self-understanding, as Brene Brown suggests in “Braving the Wilderness.” She proposes that venturing into our wilderness is an act of courage, embracing vulnerability that leads to genuine freedom and self-acceptance.

In “Untamed,” Glennon Doyle emphasizes a similar philosophy but through the lens of breaking free from societal expectations, particularly those imposed on women. She presents authenticity as an act of liberation and empowerment, reclaiming one’s life and choices from the confines of societal norms.

Both authors express the same sentiment: Authenticity should not be sacrificed for acceptance. Instead, it should be seen as the bedrock of meaningful relationships. When we are true to ourselves, we attract people who appreciate us for who we indeed are, fostering healthier, more fulfilling bonds. Thus, our authenticity doesn’t sever connections; it deepens them.

Understanding Authenticity

Authenticity is acknowledging and expressing our genuine thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. It’s about being true to ourselves, even when it contradicts societal expectations or norms. As Doyle writes in “Untamed,” “Being human is not hard because you’re doing it wrong; it’s hard because you’re doing it right.”

Delving further into authenticity, it’s important to note that it’s not just about being honest with others but being honest with ourselves. This requires self-awareness and introspection, the willingness to confront our flaws, fears, and uncertainties. It can be uncomfortable, sometimes even painful, but it’s necessary to live an authentic life.

Brene Brown frequently underscores the inseparable link between authenticity and vulnerability in her work. To be authentic, we must show our vulnerability and expose our true selves to the world. This can be frightening, leaving us open to judgment and criticism. However, as Brown argues, it’s only by embracing our vulnerability that we can live authentically and form genuine connections with others.

Similarly, Doyle’s concept of “untaming” oneself is a call to authenticity. It’s about breaking free from the cages of societal expectations and norms and daring to live according to our own beliefs, desires, and values. This is no easy feat, especially in a society that often values conformity over individuality, but it’s a journey worth undertaking for the freedom and empowerment it brings.

In essence, authenticity is a lifelong journey of self-discovery and self-expression. It’s a commitment to living our truth and honoring our unique individuality. It’s about having the courage to be ourselves, fully and unapologetically, and in doing so, enriching our lives and the lives of those around us.

The Importance of Authenticity

Living authentically allows us to align our actions with our values and desires, increasing satisfaction and happiness. As Brown points out in “Braving the Wilderness,” authenticity also fosters a sense of belonging, enabling us to connect with others on a deeper level.

One of the challenges of embracing authenticity is maintaining our relationships. Maintaining relationships while embracing authenticity can indeed be a challenge. This is mainly due to the inherent strain that authenticity can put on established family roles and dynamics. In many families, members are expected to adhere to specific roles and behavioral patterns. When an individual begins to act authentically and breaks these norms, it can create tension and conflict.

However, Bowen therapy suggests that becoming differentiated or maintaining your individuality while staying emotionally connected to your family is vital to emotional maturity and health. Thus, authenticity, while it may be initially disruptive, is a necessary step on the path to personal growth and healthier family relationships.

1. Open Communication: Share your journey towards authenticity with your loved ones. Explain your need to live more authentically and how it might affect your relationships.

2. Practice Empathy: Understand that your loved ones may need time to adjust to the changes. Be patient and empathetic towards their feelings.

3. Set Boundaries: Define what behaviors you will and will not accept from others and communicate these boundaries clearly. This can help maintain respect in your relationships while allowing you to be true to yourself.

4. Seek Support: Surround yourself with people who encourage your authenticity. They can provide the support and understanding you need during this transition.

5. Stay Connected: Even as you embrace your authentic self, remember the importance of staying connected with your loved ones. Find common ground and nurture the bonds that matter most to you.

Embracing authenticity is a lifelong journey that requires courage, patience, and perseverance. While it may challenge some relationships, it ultimately leads to deeper connections and a more satisfying life. Doyle beautifully expresses in “Untamed,” “The braver we are, the luckier we get.”

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Understanding Bowen Family Systems Theory: Enhancing Your Relationships Through Emotional Differentiation

The Bowen family systems theory, developed by psychiatrist Dr. Murray Bowen, offers profound insights into the dynamics of family relationships and how they shape our lives. This influential theory delves into the interplay among family systems, emotional fusion, and the concept of differentiation. By understanding and applying the Bowen family systems theory principles, individuals can cultivate emotional differentiation, foster healthier relationships, and navigate challenging dynamics with greater clarity and resilience. In this post, I explain the core tenets of Bowen’s theory and discover how it can transform and enrich our connections.

1. Emotional Fusion and Differentiation

Bowen family systems theory underscores the significance of emotional fusion and differentiation in relationships. Emotional fusion refers to a state in which individuals become enmeshed with the emotions and needs of others, leading to an unhealthy blurring of boundaries and a loss of individuality. On the other hand, differentiation involves maintaining a sense of self while remaining connected to others. By developing emotional differentiation, individuals can better manage their own emotions, communicate effectively, and make independent decisions, fostering healthier and more authentic relationships.

An example of emotional fusion might be a parent who feels anxious whenever their child is upset. The parent’s mood is closely tied to their child’s emotions, making it difficult for them to maintain their sense of calm and rationality when their child is distressed. Their worry might compel them to rush in and solve the child’s problems rather than allowing them to develop resilience and problem-solving skills. This lack of boundary and overidentification with the child’s emotions is a demonstration of emotional fusion.

Developing emotional differentiation in this scenario would involve the parent recognizing and respecting the distinction between their emotions and their child’s. They might acknowledge their anxiety while also understanding that it is their child who is upset, not them. By managing their own emotional response, the parent can remain calm and supportive, allowing their child to navigate their feelings. This helps the parent maintain their emotional balance and models effective emotional management for the child. Emotional differentiation involves observing our emotions without reacting to them, fostering healthier and more balanced relationships.

2. Triangles and Triangulation

Bowen’s theory explores the concept of triangles, which occur when tension arises between two individuals and a third person is drawn in to alleviate the conflict. Triangulation can complicate relationships and perpetuate unhealthy dynamics. Understanding how triangles manifest and learning to navigate them with emotional intelligence can lead to more balanced and harmonious connections.

Consider the instance of a married couple experiencing tension in their relationship. Instead of addressing their issues directly with each other, they might involve a third person, like their child, sharing their grievances and seeking comfort. This is an example of a triangle, where the child is drawn into the couple’s conflict, effectively reducing the tension between the couple. This is known as triangulation. However, such a scenario can cause emotional distress to the child, who may feel burdened by the parents’ conflict. It can also prevent the couple from resolving their issues directly, perpetuating unhealthy dynamics within the family. Recognizing and disengaging from such triangulation can contribute toward healthier and more open communication in relationships.

3. Multigenerational Transmission Process

Bowen’s theory emphasizes the role of the multigenerational transmission process in shaping family dynamics. It highlights how behavior patterns, emotional reactivity, and relationship dynamics are passed down through generations. By recognizing and understanding these patterns, individuals can break free from unhealthy cycles and create healthier relationship dynamics for themselves and future generations.

Consider the Smith family, where the grandfather was known for his quick temper and impulsivity. This behavior pattern was seen in his son, who often reacted impulsively during stressful situations. Now, the grandson, Jack, seems to exhibit similar behaviors. Jack appears to have inherited these behavioral tendencies despite never having met his grandfather. This is an example of a multigenerational transmission process, where certain behaviors and emotional responses are passed down across generations. It illustrates the importance of recognizing these patterns to break the cycle and foster healthier coping mechanisms and behavioral responses.

4. The Role of Anxiety

Anxiety is a critical component of Bowen family systems theory, as it impacts how individuals interact within their relationships. Bowen suggests that managing anxiety is crucial for maintaining healthy emotional boundaries and promoting differentiation. By examining and understanding the underlying anxieties within family systems, individuals can minimize emotional reactivity and respond more effectively to relationship challenges.

Consider the case of Mary, a single mother of two who constantly feels overwhelmed and anxious about her ability to provide for her family. Her anxiety seeps into her relationships with her children, causing her to hover over them and micromanage their lives. This overbearing behavior stems from her deep-seated fears of failure and losing control. She often reacts in an emotionally intense manner to minor inconveniences, fostering a tense and anxious home environment. This scenario illustrates how anxiety can influence relationships within a family system and trigger emotional reactivity. Recognizing this anxiety-driven behavior is the first step toward managing it, promoting healthier emotional boundaries, and fostering a more balanced family dynamic.

The wisdom embedded within Bowen family systems theory offers a transformative approach to understanding and improving our relationships. By cultivating emotional differentiation, navigating triangles, recognizing multigenerational patterns, and managing anxiety, we can create healthier and more fulfilling connections with our loved ones. Bowen’s theory provides a framework for self-reflection, growth, and enhanced communication, enabling us to build stronger bonds and break free from the limitations of our past. Embark on a journey of self-discovery, apply the Bowen family systems theory principles, and watch as your relationships flourish with newfound understanding, empathy, and resilience.

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Deciding to Let Go

Forgiveness is never easy, but it can be freeing.

Letting go is easier said than done; however, once you accomplish it, you can free yourself from the burden of holding onto what hurts you. Whether you’re finally free from that bad relationship that haunts you, free from the image you once had of your life that looks different from reality, free from societal expectations, or a childhood that is difficult to remember but you can’t seem to forget. Overall, there is freedom from resentment and pain that comes with letting go.

You probably want personal freedom and to let go to free yourself, but you don’t know how to begin the process. You don’t know how to let life be the way it is in this moment, let go of a future that hasn’t occurred yet, and make peace with the past that didn’t go how you wanted it to. We want tranquility, and we know letting go is one avenue to get there, yet we tightly grip the ideas, dreams, grievances, and pain that keep us from the peace we desire. Why do we do that? Why can’t we just let go and move on?

First and foremost, letting go is a process that takes time. For example, to let go so you can forgive someone means making a conscious effort to release something hurtful that happened to you by no longer holding onto negative thought patterns, anger, resentment, or pain. By engaging in this process, you are making an active choice to no longer suffer from something you never had control over. When we see letting go this way, it becomes clear that it is also freedom. It is freedom from past and future victimization because when you let go of painful events, they no longer define or control your present.

Why Letting Go Is So Hard

You’re not a bad person if you’re finding it difficult to let go or even to forgive someone who hurt you; you’re human. As humans, we’re pre-programmed to avoid danger or anyone who has proven untrustworthy. We are programmed to remember negative experiences so that we can prevent them. Therefore, forgiving someone who harmed us or letting go of a bad experience goes against our instincts. More often than not, it is wise to listen to your instincts. But if they’re keeping you trapped in a place that doesn’t allow you to escape your suffering, it’s time to decide to let go.

As the influential teacher Ajahn Chah explained in his book Food for the Heart, when we choose not to follow the path of letting go, it is like deciding to carry a heavy rock around with us, weighing ourselves down. We don’t know what to do with the rock, so we keep carrying it around. Even if others explain the benefit of throwing away the rock, we’re still afraid to let it go. We’ve been carrying it for so long that it’s become a part of us, and we continue to carry it until we get so weak and tired that we have no choice but to let it go. Only then can we finally feel at peace and recognize how physically and mentally heavy that burden was. Letting go of negative feelings and pain invites peace and the release of unresolved emotional turmoil.

When deciding to let go, working on developing self-awareness is essential. When we develop self-awareness, we are more mindful of ourselves, who we are, and how we react to life’s challenges and the people in our lives. To be more self-aware is a gift of being more conscious, intentional, and wise. We can more readily note how we feel and then make a mindful decision on how to respond. When we aren’t self-aware, we float through life, reacting to situations in unhelpful ways. We end up with a life by default, not a life we choose. We wind up feeling stuck in our circumstances and helpless to make changes, making it especially difficult to let go and feel personal freedom. We often place all the blame on others and have a hard time releasing what hurt us and taking accountability for our lives.

Misconceptions About Letting Go

There is a misconception that letting go means that whatever happened is done and removed from our lives. Letting go doesn’t mean it didn’t happen or allows the person who hurt you off the hook; it certainly did happen, and that person is accountable. We are aware, accepting, and conscious of what happened. We deeply understand the facts and effects of what took place, though it no longer stings like it used to. Instead of wishing it didn’t happen, we don’t fight against it; we acknowledge its presence and let it be how it unfolded.

It helps to remember that we grow the most when we are challenged. Life’s obstacles show us who we are and how capable we are of standing on our own two feet. When we see our challenges as opportunities for growth rather than as stressful or painful constraints that hold us back, we reframe the situations that happened to us. Many people who have been hurt in excruciating ways learn how resilient they are through those events. They find meaning in giving back and helping those who have been through similar experiences. When we find meaning, purpose, and growth in our misfortunes, we can reframe the situation and refresh the narrative of how it will affect us, allowing us to let go and move forward.

We don’t have control over what happens to us, as much as we may try, though we do control how we choose to deal with those events. When deciding to let go, we focus on changing what we can control, our perspective. We feel hopeless and powerless when we focus on changing what we can’t. By shifting that focus, we regain power and release ourselves from an emotional prison.

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Getting Past Blaming Our Parents

We can’t control family history, but we can control what we do moving forward.

If you’ve ever tried to understand the issues you’re currently facing, you might have thought about how your early life experiences influenced them. Thinking this way might have made you blame your current hardships on your parents. When you think in simple, cause-and-effect terms, blaming your parents for everything is easy. They might have done some pretty irresponsible things. If you’ve ever had the following thoughts, you’re not alone: “I’m needy for love because my parents never showed me affection.” “I don’t know how to pay my bills because my parents were always bad at managing their money.” “I have a fear of commitment because my parent’s marriage didn’t work out.”

Considering how our parents contributed to our issues as adults makes sense. However, before we place all the blame on them, it’s essential to consider the position they held in their own families of origin. Asking how their parents shaped their paths and led them to become who they are is necessary. What challenges did they and the generations before them face? Your parents were kids once, too, and throughout their lives, they’ve faced difficulties similar to the ones you face. When you think about your parents this way, it might invite you to look at the bigger picture, seeing them as humans—not as perfect beings with ideal upbringings who decided to mess you up a little bit.

I will say something that might be difficult to understand, but I hope you’ll follow me. Most of your parents’ reactions to you have come from unconscious efforts to relieve their own anxiety, not from evil attempts to screw up your childhood and adulthood. Your parents inherited patterns of relating to their loved ones, just as you did. You might think, “Okay, but it doesn’t improve it, even if that’s true.” This notion of absolving your parents of blame may make your skin crawl. However, if you open your mind to it, you’ll see specific patterns in your family system that can give you insights into why your parents treated you the way they did. This knowledge will help you know what patterns you’re up against and what changes must be made so your children won’t yell at you for hurting them in the same way 20 years from now.

Seeing that your current problems go far beyond the mistakes of your parents, their parents, and the parents before them allows you to understand what’s going on in a way that won’t have you blaming anyone. Knowing that it’s up to you to look at how your family has done things for generations can help you make essential changes, heal yourself, and respond differently to the ones you love. It can lead you to address the things you can change within yourself instead of blaming others. We mature when we realize that our parents and we are flawed. Once we accept that, we can start to face and resolve our problems—many of which are similar to those of our parents. When you’re willing to look, it’s almost impossible to avoid seeing a connection between your parents’ behaviors while you were growing up and your behaviors as an adult.

Looking Back to Move Forward

Our mothers and fathers grew up with a certain level of tolerance for upset, anxiety, disharmony, emotional connectedness, and demands from others. This tolerance level unfolds in their close relationships and through their reactivity to their children. The ability to deal with life circumstances, one of those things that gets inherited, can be referred to as emotional maturity or, as psychiatrist and researcher Dr. Murray Bowen calls it, differentiation of self.

The examples below will show the influence of various patterns that may develop between parents and children.

If you were the child your parents worried most about, you got accustomed to the emotional pattern of having them jump in to smooth out your difficulties. As a result, you instinctively expect and invite others to solve your problems.If your parents’ anxieties were projected onto you, you likely got used to exaggerated criticism and correction. You might be prone to similar negative overreactions.If one or both of your parents reduced their tension by giving in to your demands, you may find it difficult to let go of constantly feeling entitled.If one or both of your parents confided in or leaned on you when things were tough or distant in their marriage, you’re likely to have an easy time giving advice but a tough time accepting it.If you were pushed to center stage by parents who got a sense of security and esteem from exaggeratedly applauding your achievements, you likely can’t tolerate not being important.

Do any of these patterns ring true for you? Ask yourself, “Can I identify some patterns relating to people I developed in my family that have contributed to my current issues?”

Keep in mind it’s not necessarily the case that our parents’ ways of being have caused us to have limitations. Instead, it makes sense to say that our parents have influenced our natural responses, and they were also influenced by family patterns that span back several generations and will continue into future generations. Everyone’s path to emotional maturity is different. Knowing that we all have ways we react to the people we love based on what we’ve inherited is an essential first step in breaking that pattern. We must become more aware of the automatic responses that relieve our stress. Although they are instincts we’ve inherited to make ourselves feel better at the moment, they are not the responses that will make meaningful changes in ourselves and our relationships. Remind yourself of who you want to be in your moments of stress, and try to respond more logically rather than in the ways predicted by the patterns in your family of origin.

Even though we can’t control our family history, we can always learn to control what we do moving forward, and this will impact not only your life but future generations in your family, too.

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The Power of Self-Reflection. A Personal Perspective: Finding calm amidst the chaos.

In the swirling vortex of turbulence that life can sometimes become, it’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of emotions, reactions, and rapid-fire decision-making. We often find ourselves casting blame, rushing headlong into solutions, or even avoiding problems outright. However, in those moments of upheaval, it might be time to turn the gaze inward and embark on a journey of self-reflection.

Self-reflection is not just an act of introspection but a voyage back home, deep into the heart of our thoughts, beliefs, and principles. It’s when we pause amidst the noise of the world, take a step back, and truly consider our values and the type of person we want to be when things go awry.

Navigating the Storm

When turbulence strikes, it’s natural for our worlds to feel shaken. Uncertainty breeds anxiety, and before we know it, we’re adrift in a sea of confusion. This is the moment to anchor ourselves on solid ground. It’s time to clear away the noise and reflect on our new reality.

Ask yourself, how do you want to respond to this situation? What kind of person do you want to be in the face of adversity? Do you want to be the one marching for your beliefs? Or perhaps the person who remains calm amidst the storm? Maybe you’re the listener, the quiet fighter, or the beacon of hope in the face of pain and suffering.

These are not easy questions to answer. They require courage and honesty. But it is through these questions that we begin to understand ourselves better. We start to realize that the best time to express our values is during our most challenging moments because it is then that we show the world who we truly are.

The Power of Reflection

Through self-reflection, we find calm amidst the chaos. It allows us to thoughtfully contemplate underlying issues and devise mindful resolutions. Self-reflection is like a mental sanctuary, engaging our logical minds when emotions threaten to overwhelm us.

Yes, it might be painful at times – looking inward often is. But the clarity it brings is worth the discomfort. It’s like cleaning a wound; it might sting initially, but ultimately it promotes healing.

Embrace the Challenge

Today, I challenge you to embark on this journey of self-reflection. Embrace it wholeheartedly. Ask yourself the big questions. Observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Listen to what your heart and mind are telling you. Allow yourself to grow from the experience. Decide who it is you want to be while standing on solid ground.

Remember, self-reflection isn’t a one-time event. It’s a continuous process, a lifelong journey of understanding ourselves and our place in the world. It’s about recognizing our strengths, acknowledging our weaknesses, and striving to become better, stronger, and more resilient.

In the face of turbulence, let’s not lose sight of ourselves. Instead, let’s turn inward, reflect, and emerge stronger, wiser, and more grounded. After all, true strength lies not in avoiding the storm, but in navigating through it with grace, courage, and conviction.

When the world around you seems to be in chaos, remember that the answer may lie within. In the quiet space of self-reflection, you’ll find the calm amidst the chaos, the strength to face any challenge, and the wisdom to navigate the turbulent seas of life.

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How to Manage Your Emotional Triggers

“The people who trigger us to feel negative emotions are messengers. They are messengers for unhealed parts of our being.” –Teal Swan

“That made me so angry,” she said. “It just really upset me, and I don’t know why. Bigger things have bothered me less.” These words came from one of my clients, Kathy, who described her emotional triggers to me. An emotional trigger is anything that sets you off emotionally. It’s usually personal to you and often stems from past experiences. A person can experience being triggered by reverting to unresolved or unaddressed feelings and behaviors while in a traumatizing situation. When Kathy’s husband told her he wanted her to cook more, she got furious; what she couldn’t figure out was why. She wondered, “Why couldn’t I just say, ‘Why do you want me to cook more?’ Or I could have just said no. But instead, I blew up and started throwing things.”

After we spoke a little more, Kathy explained that her father always expected her mother to take care of everything in the house. She cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids, and expected the table to be perfectly set for dinner. Kathy swore she would never be the homemaker because she would marry someone who would contribute more than just financially. So when her husband asked her to cook more, she took it as a sign of disrespect. As Kathy explained to me, “It triggered all the emotions I had as a child watching my mom slave over the family as if it had been expected of her. I found my father to be so disrespectful of her needs. However, I didn’t make the connection until now.”

Reasons for Triggers

Your emotional response gets triggered when you perceive that someone is taking something important away from you. It makes sense, right? Kathy was scared that her husband was trying to take away her freedom and independence, something she had worked hard to establish to be different from her mother. This perspective led her to react with anger toward her husband. Later, she wanted to understand why it made her so angry. She looked within to find an answer. If we aren’t aware, it’s easy to react in ways triggered by our past instead of thoughtful responses. Reacting can hurt our relationships in the present. When activated, the key is to catch ourselves and realize that we’re overreacting like Kathy tried to do. By going through this process, we can discover if whatever is triggering us is worth making a fuss about or not.

After realizing that she was more upset about her past than her husband’s request, Kathy decided to talk to him. He explained that he would be working late for the next month and wouldn’t make it home in time to cook. Since Kathy tended to get home earlier, he hoped she would cook dinner on his late nights, so he wouldn’t have to pick up something unhealthy on the road. After communicating with her husband, Kathy expressed her triggers and shared with him how he could better approach her in the future. She was also able to listen to her husband’s request without interpreting it as a demand.

When something upsets you or makes you feel uncomfortable, it’s helpful to look at the situation from a more logical perspective. Are you just losing it, or did the problem call for you to get upset? Is the other person denying your needs, or are you taking things too personally? If someone is genuinely ignoring your needs, can you either ask for what you need or work on letting it go?

If you don’t consciously acknowledge the need triggering your emotional reaction, you may feel like a prisoner of your emotions. On the other hand, if you honestly look at yourself and see the expectations you hold on to, you can begin to see life more objectively. From this perspective, you are free to choose your responses to people in the future. You’ll start to take more responsibility for yourself and remain more emotionally neutral.

Sometimes our emotions call for us to be as sophisticated and educated as our logical brains. It is, therefore, of great importance to explore why you’re feeling a certain way, how you can respond to it, and how you can allow it to challenge and inspire you at the same time. When you educate yourself about your reactions, you can turn them into reasonable responses in the future.

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15 Best Books on People Pleasing for 2022

People pleasers are those who seek to keep the peace and meet the emotional needs and demands of others, typically to the detriment of themselves and their own needs. Some people pleasers might struggle with setting interpersonal boundaries, apologize for things that do not warrant remorse and be unable to identify and voice their needs.

This behavior often develops as a maladaptive coping mechanism in the face of relational trauma, anxiety, or low self-esteem. If this resonates, and you would like to learn how to mitigate these behaviors, the good news is that many resources are available to aid and empower you on this journey.

These general guides will help you learn more about where people-pleasing behavior comes from, understand more about yourself, and learn how to set boundaries.

I am so grateful that my book on people-pleasing, “When It’s Never About You,” has made it to the list.

Are you struggling with People-pleasing? Check out the list by clicking the link.

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/people-pleaser-books