Ilene S. Cohen's Blog, page 16

How Anxiety Becomes Contagious in Our Most Important Relationships

Violet came to my office totally stressed out. After taking a deep breath, she explained to me that she was feeling overwhelmed by anxiety. This was a surprise to her, because she’d never felt much stress during her 30 years of her life. She described herself as a real “go getter” and explained that whenever she was upset or anxious about something, she’d just deal with it by taking action. So when she found herself more anxious than ever—biting her nails, buying stuff she didn’t need, and having the occasional cocktail to quiet her mind—she wondered what was going on. As far as she could tell, nothing was really wrong. There wasn’t anything for her to fix in her own life, as far as she could tell, and the lack of clarity about the source of her anxiety had her even more stressed. But then we got to talking, and some answers began to surface.

As it turns out, Violet had recently moved in with her boyfriend. Though they had what she described as a “good relationship,” her boyfriend, Jeff, was easily frazzled and stressed. Violet explained that he would freak out, stress out, and then do nothing about the problem he was facing. Sometimes Violet would try to give him advice or try to fix the problem for him; but when she realized it wasn’t making a difference, she eventually stopped. Although Violet was no longer trying to take on Jeff’s problems, she was still instinctually picking up on his anxiety. This made it hard for her to manage her own life and anxiety when Jeff would come home upset, frantic, or anxious. Violet’s natural response to stress had her wanting to comfort and soothe Jeff, but since that never worked, she was left anxiously biting her nails facing the fact that she had to live with a problem she couldn’t be the one to solve.

So what was Violet to do? She loved Jeff and wanted to be with him, but his constant stressing was making her Zen mindset hard to maintain. Instead of exploring ways to kick Jeff out, we looked instead at how Violet could support him without either taking his problems on as her own or totally ignoring the issue right in front of her. How could she be present and loving without catching his anxiety like a virus? Violet decided that she would learn to more effectively manage herself whenever she felt affected by Jeff’s anxiety.

Understanding that the anxiety in her household was, in fact, contagious initially had Violet wanting to scream in anger. But after realizing she had another option that could actually support her personal development, she opted to take a more mature approach to the problem. She worked on her persistent need to fix everything and left room for Jeff to be anxious and have his own emotional process. She made a conscious effort to keep his anxiety from negatively affecting her life, and as a result, he got so overwhelmed by his emotions that he finally started making some changes.

When “Helping” Isn’t Helpful

Most of us think that when we take on other people’s issues and anxiety as our own, we’re being helpful. In our intimate relationships, we might even think it’s our responsibility to step in and ease our partner’s discomfort. But all we’re really doing under these circumstances is taking on their problems; and while that might provide them with some short-term relief, it doesn’t really solve anything. Sometimes we take on other people’s anxiety intentionally, and other times it happens by mere osmosis. Like Violet, if you find yourself others’ anxiety just from being around them, it will help to remember that you don’t have to take on their issues. Be present, center yourself, take a deep breath, and give the problem back to the other person by saying something like, “That sounds like a dilemma. What’s your plan? What ideas have you come up with to handle it?” This allows you to be helpful without feeling like you need to take their emotions on for them.

Let’s get real for a moment: We all absorb a certain amount of anxiety from our families, jobs, and life responsibilities. Most of the time, that anxiety is passed from person to person, almost like a virus. However, instead of trying to avoid it, you can protect yourself from being infected by understanding that you have other options.

As a result of her work in therapy, Violet decided to start acting for herself by making an effort to decide how she’d like to respond when faced with Jeff’s anxiety. She realized that taking his anxiety on wasn’t good for anyone, and neither was trying to manage his life, distancing herself from him, or being critical and dismissive. Instead, she became aware of the contagious nature of anxiety and learned to deal with it more effectively when she encountered it. She learned to be present without needing to fix anything. She made a personal shift in the right direction, and it made all the difference.

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Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

6 Surprising and Motivational Lessons I Learned at Disney World

“If you can dream it, you can do it.”

— Walt Disney

This past weekend, I took a family vacation to Disney World. It was an exciting occasion, because it was my daughter’s first time going, and it had been many years since I’d been there myself. Over the years, I’ve revisited some old and new Disney movies with my daughter, letting her get to know the characters I once loved as a child. Now, as I look at them from an adult perspective, I find myself taking away similar messages I did as a child, but with an entirely new way of thinking about it. Some messages seem like common sense now, others I realize I never understood when I was younger, and some have echoed in my mind loud and clear throughout my life.

In Disney World, I watched as Mickey and Minnie danced around the stage singing about being yourself; I wondered how I missed that concept as a child. Wanting to be anyone other than myself when I was growing up, I somehow missed seeing that the Disney characters I loved were promoting the value of individual uniqueness. I overlooked my own value.

In the world of Disney, we’re told we can be anyone we want to be and do anything we want to do. We’re told we can have the life we dream of when we get older. As nice as that sounds for a child, it isn’t too bad to hear as an adult, either. It isn’t far off from the ideas promoted by motivational speakers and people who have found success. However, as my daughter looked at her idols with big, curious eyes, the skeptic in me wondered: Are lies were just one more thing being sold to our kids, or is there something of actual value to be taken from these catchy songs?

Once I took a closer look at some of the messages from my daughter’s favorite Disney stars, I realized that many of the lessons are similar to what I write about and the values I hold true. Here are some of the age-old ideas I learned all over again at Disney World.

1. Don’t regret the past. All of us know what it’s like to regret something we did in the past. In The Lion King, Simba lived in the past; he was too afraid to go home in fear that his family would reject him for what happened to his father. He let fear and regret control his life and spent his life running from his problems instead of facing them. As an alternative to running from the past, it better serves us to accept all of ourselves and face situations head on. I think many of us look back and see the mistakes that we’ve made, wishing we could go back in time. It’s easy to wish we did things differently in the past, than to actually do things differently now. However, the more we run from our problems the more connected we stay to them, and the more they chase us wherever we go. It’s in facing your fears, owning up to your mistakes, and doing things differently next time, that can show you how brave you really are to face the truth.

2. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. I talk about being yourself all the time, especially in the context of your most important relationships. As a child, others may make fun of you for not following the norm; but according to may Disney movies, being different isn’t a bad thing. In fact, our differences are what make us special and beautiful. Dumbo comes to mind when I think of this lesson. By embracing his differences, he was able to become who he truly was. Once you embrace who you are and stop trying to be like everyone else, you, like Dumbo, can start having more fun in life.

3. Don’t lose your voice, especially not for anyone else. It’s easy to think we’re the ones who need to change, especially if people we love tell us to change in order to make them happy. For example, Ariel in The Little Mermaid lost her beautiful voice in order to get legs so she could be with Prince Eric. But muting parts of herself only created more problems for Ariel and her connection with Eric. Her voice was part of who she was; once she lost it, she started to see how hard it was to express herself. Eric loved her for who she was before she changed into the person she thought he wanted—in fact, her voice was one of the things he loved most about her. In the end, Ariel got her voice back and was able to be who she’d always wanted to be: a human on land living out the life of her dreams.

4. Don’t be afraid to speak up. Many of us are scared to speak up, and we silence ourselves out of fear of other people’s reactions to us. Women, especially, can be viewed as overly opinionated or rude if they voice their true thoughts. However, some of Disney’s characters—like Jasmine, Ana, and Merida—show strength and speak up for what they believe. These characters are persistent in going after what they want. Merida is a great example of this; she didn’t allow anyone to stop her from being who she truly was. Her strong will and determination allowed her to own her fate and destiny. Ana and Jasmine didn’t allow others to tell them what to do either. Jasmine, for example, said she wasn’t a “a prize to be won,” and she showed this through her actions. Ana continued to do what she wanted in order to maintain a relationship with her sister, even going out into the snow alone to find her. These sometimes-stubborn princesses show young girls that they don’t have to do or follow anything they don’t believe is right.

5. Follow your dreams. Many Disney movies and messages are about following your dreams; but Rapunzel really demonstrates the importance of believing in yourself and doing what scares you. Rapunzel always dreamed of going to her hometown and viewing the floating lights for her birthday; year after year, however, she was told to stay in her tower. Even though Rapunzel was scared to leave the tower because she was told it would be dangerous, she somehow knew that life begins outside our comfort zone. She eventually left her comfortable tower in search of something better. All the main characters in this movie speak about the importance of having big dreams. Though some dreams may seem stupid to others, they mean something to you for a reason; and they’re worth all the discomfort that comes from pursuing them, because once they do come true, life gets better.

6. Be patient. Miracles take a little time. The lesson of patience is an important one to learn. If you’re persistent and work hard, everything works out for the best. When you get tired from working hard, patience will carry you through to your dreams. Goals that are worth it aren’t easy to obtain. The best things in life aren’t what instantly gratify us. However, wonderful things can happen if we keep at it and don’t give up. It may take longer than expected, but patience pays off in the end. Like many of the lessons we learn from Disney, this one can guide us throughout our lives.

Disney is awesome for many reasons, but especially for teaching us important lessons we can take into adulthood. As I think about the meaning behind all these messages, I’m impressed by how much value they truly hold. If only I paid such close attention as a child, maybe I could have avoided some mistakes.

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Dr. Ilene

How the Fear of Hurting Others Creates Chronic Anxiety

Everywhere you go, you walk on eggshells. You censor each thought, editing your words carefully. You overthink your every move, questioning yourself over and over again. Somehow, your interactions with others never go smoothly, and your conversations always seem to take more effort than they should. That’s what it’s like to live in fear of hurting others. It’s hard to be yourself when you’re constantly worried about how other people will perceive what you have to say and do. When your fear of hurting someone else’s feelings is stronger than your desire to bring who you are and what you think to the surface, life becomes a whole lot tougher.

It’s understandable and commendable to care for others—to be mindful of how you treat the people you care about. But it becomes an issue when your sensitivity to what others want makes you suppress what you truly want. Do you find it intolerable to hurt someone you love, even if it’s unintentional? Do you experience shame, guilt, or concerns about being a bad person? As a result, do you avoid saying what’s on your mind and push away your own feelings? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re probably suppressing your true self. This can be bad for your relationships and can create chronic anxiety in your life.

Jennifer’s Story

Jennifer came to therapy feeling anxious in her daily life, and she identified her marriage as a main source of this chronic anxiety. She felt like she couldn’t be herself around her husband, Jonathan. On the rare occasion that Jennifer would express what she wanted, Jonathan would get upset with her if it didn’t align with what he wanted. She explained to me that he would make her feel guilty and selfish, telling her that she made him feel distant and unloved. She took this personally and began to believe that his hurt feelings were all her fault. It was common for her to be the one to apologize, even when she really didn’t do anything wrong.

This way of thinking spilled into many of Jennifer’s other relationships, which resulted in her keeping her true thoughts and feeling to herself. Jennifer had chronic anxiety; she tiptoed around her husband’s feelings, knowing she couldn’t live like that forever.

Jennifer explained that after much thought and reflection, she knew she needed to work on her inability to tolerate hurting other people’s feelings.

While Jonathan might be more sensitive to feeling hurt, Jennifer’s unwillingness to hurt him also contributed to their relationship difficulties. When I gathered more details from Jennifer, I realized that in most of her relationships, she struggled with worrying more about how she affected others than about her own feelings.

Jennifer had never considered that we all unintentionally hurt people, even those we love. She couldn’t wrap her head around the idea that it’s impossible to be in a relationship with someone without hurting them at some point.

However, she would rather have suppressed her true intentions than see someone she loved in discomfort. As we spoke some more, I got curious about what made it so hard for Jennifer to consider that something she said or did had the unintended consequence of hurting someone she cared about. I asked, “Where did the idea come from that it isn’t acceptable to hurt someone you love?” We also explored Jennifer’s exaggerated idea that when people feel hurt, they are actually deeply wounded.

Jennifer brought up that her father would get so hurt for the smallest things. She had one memory in which her father started to yell at her and tell her how hurt he was when Jennifer didn’t like that he made fish for dinner. She recalled that her father told her how much she hurt him; he asked how she could fail to appreciate all the time, money, and effort it took him to feed her. Jennifer remembered how scared she was when her father was angry and how much humiliation she felt about not liking the fish he had cooked. She became angry with herself for not liking fish, and she’d eat it just to appease her him.

Jennifer began to make the connection between how she was raised and her sensitivity to hurting another’s feelings. As a young girl, she didn’t realize that she didn’t have to internalize her father’s overreactions. She always believed that it was her responsibility to make her father happy, so she’d work hard to avoid making him angry. As Jennifer became aware of this, she also began to realize that her strong need to keep her father happy and avoid his anger trained her to overlook her own needs and wants—especially when they didn’t align with what she knew her father would want.

When Jennifer spoke about forgetting her own needs and voice, she started to see how she was recreating that relationship with Jonathan. Her anxiety around hurting Jonathan when their desires didn’t align strengthened her belief that she shouldn’t voice her opinion. She finally realized that Jonathan’s reactions were not as intense as her father’s. She realized that she isn’t responsible for other people’s feelings; it isn’t wrong for her to speak up about what she wants; and she has the right to use her own voice.

By working on becoming more comfortable expressing her own thoughts and feelings—and dealing with the impact of this on the people around her—Jennifer was able to bring her true self to life. When this happened, her chronic anxiety slowly started to subside. She became a pro at dealing with conflict, and she began to worry much less about being a bad person.

Final Thoughts

When we become overly involved and anxious about the effect we have on others, and we alter our behavior to make sure we don’t hurt their feelings, we suppress our true selves. Holding our true selves back and silencing what we think and feel puts us at risk for chronic anxiety. If we can become more at ease with how we affect others, and realize that we are most powerful when we speak our truth instead of trying to control the feelings of others, we can nourish the development of our true selves.

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Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Secrets to a Mature, Healthy Relationship

“Remember: despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only

meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”

– Matt Kahn

We can all agree that relationships are an essential part of life. Human connection, feeling like you belong and are loved is vital. We all know their significance, but aren’t necessarily equipped to do what is needed to create a strong bond that lasts. Mature relationships entail work, patience and awareness. Mature love and healthy relationships are not always the picture of what we have been taught or shown by our parents. So, in order to find our way to having the relationships we have always wanted we must fully understand what it takes to maintain and nurture ourselves and loved ones.

Know Yourself

Mature couples have relationships that are fulfilling and satisfying. They maintain solid boundaries and have a clear idea of who they are individually, so they don’t allow their relationships to become draining or overwhelming. A mature and healthy relationship means first becoming aware of yourself and actions.

In order to have a successful relationship with another person, you need to be confident in who you are as an individual. You need a solid inner self that can only be changed from within, not from outside influences. That is what I mean by maturity. Society and the media teach us something different—that we must give up parts of ourselves and conform to our partners’ needs for the betterment of our relationships. It is easy to hear this message loud and clear. However, our beliefs fade as we conform to others’ standards of what we should be. When you enter a relationship knowing yourself, you will not be a prisoner of love, you will be free to love.

There Is No Need for Drama

In mature relationships’ there’s no real drama. Drama is for people that have a tough time in relationships — who live by rigid notions that love must be wild and filled with crazy passionate love scenes. Love is pretty effortless most days. When it is working it is a seamless flow. It’s a comfortable place to be, and feels like home. It’s something that happens pretty naturally; And doesn’t need to be filled with fights every day. Or even worse on and off makeup and breakups.

When you are in a healthy relationship, there’s no doubt and fears about the others’ feelings towards you. You are more at peace versus feeling drained and misunderstood. Mature relationships are comfortable, secure and free of doubt because they are Not about insecurities, blame and assurance that you are of value.

You Don’t Complete Me

In an immature relationship, you are striving to be one complete person instead of being okay living as two separate people. Immature relationships are created by two incomplete people. They are anxiously looking for something that can’t be found in another person, and can only be found within themselves. It is better for your relationship to remain as two individual people that support each other. When your bond is NOT about making yourself whole again, but more about being an individual it becomes unbreakable.

Healthy relationships are accomplished when two complete people find each other for companionship, versus for someone to complete them. You can’t have a mature relationship with two unhealthy, unhappy and incomplete people.

Being There for Each Other

Mature relationships support the idea of being there for the people you’re in relationships with, instead of being for each other. This means being a self, while still being able to connect with and support others at the same time. When you’re being for each other, it’s hard to see yourselves as individuals. This kind of relationship fusion breeds more reactivity and anger when a disagreement occurs. When people leave openness for others to be themselves around them, their relationships have more opportunities to flourish. These relationships then become a comfortable space for people to grow. Becoming a self means developing a sense of self instead of getting lost trying to fit into other people’s ideas of you.

Repair and Exit an Argument with Grace

Successful couples know how to exit an argument. After a fight, they repair it by using attempts that include changing the topic to something completely different; using humor; saying a caring remark (“I get this is a hard topic to discuss”); establishing common ground (“This is our problem”); backing off; and offering signs of appreciation for each other along the way (“I really want to thank you for…”). When an argument gets too heated, they take a break, and agree to approach the topic again when they are both calm.

Overall, a happy relationship requires mature and healthy love. It is important to understand the difference between mature love and immature love, being that immature love is portrayed in movies, TV, and media as being real love.

Remember that Mature Love, waits, respects, listens, trusts, accepts, takes pleasure in your successes and accepts love without motive. Most of all it isn’t always perfect or expected to be perfect.

Furthermore, Immature Love, needs, takes, demands, attempts to change the other, has high expectations, is impatient, and doesn’t listen. Immature love expects perfection in their partner.

Let me know some of your thoughts on mature and healthy relationships. What lets you know that you are in a healthy relationship?

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Do you know someone that has a tough time in relationships? Steer them to my latest book, “When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.” It is available to order here!

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

How the Inability to Say “No” Can Lead To Health Issues

“There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.”

– Aristotle

My neck was so stiff I could barely move it. I rushed to the closest Urgent Care as tingles ran up and down my arms and fingertips. Touching my neck and shoulders felt like tapping on concrete. I was stiff as a board and on the verge of complete panic. “What is wrong with me?” I wondered. “Do I have some sort of medical condition?” As I sat in the Urgent Care waiting room, I frantically searched Google for reasons why this was happening to me. I was convinced it was time for me to write my will and say goodbye to life as I knew it. But a few minutes later I was in the exam room, getting a full physical examination and hearing from the doctor that there was no medical reason for my robotically stiff muscles. I was baffled. He prescribed me some muscle relaxers and steroids and sent me on my way. But before I walked out the door, he said something that shocked me: “I don’t know what’s going on in your life, but you need to find a way to relax.”

The doctor’s pointed words left me wondering, “Was that whole terrifying ordeal my fault?” “What was going so wrong in my life that I had to take muscle relaxers and steroids to feel like a mobile human being again?” It started to dawn on me: “Maybe I don’t have it all together like I thought I did.” You see, at that time in my life, I believed I was living the right way. I was an agreeable, courteous, and conflict-free person. I was the one who could always be counted on to smooth things over. I was the perfect Mrs. Fixit, and I thought that was how it should be. However, my body’s painful refusal to be flexible was telling me a different story.

My muscles were inflamed, and nobody could find a medical explanation for it. There were no injuries, car accidents, or diseases to blame. So when I left the doctor’s office, I was more confused than when I arrived. As a doctoral student in a mental and behavioral health program, I’d heard of psychosomatic illness: the tendency to experience psychological distress in the form of physical symptoms. However, learning about it is different than experiencing it. I literally couldn’t move my neck. My X-rays showed muscle spasms, and my sonogram showed evidence of muscle inflammation along with a pinched nerve. How is it that stress can wreak such havoc on the body, especially when the mind believes everything’s okay? Did my body know something I didn’t? If so, what was it telling me? How could I help it heal without medication? And what should I do next?

After doing some research, I found out that I wasn’t alone. Study after study suggests that as many as 20% of patients who present to primary care doctors are experiencing physical symptoms with a purely psychological cause. I found that for many people, emotional trauma often manifests as physical symptoms. I made a decision, right then and there, that if there was an emotional reason for my symptoms, I’d find the cure by taking a closer look at my life. I committed to myself that I wouldn’t rely on medication to mask symptoms in my body that could be resolved with emotional healing.

Less Yes and More You

After going to therapy and diving into many inspirational self-help books, I came to see that my health issues were manifesting from my inability to say no. I’d been a yes-person for as long as I could remember; I never wanted to disappoint anyone. But as I got older and my life circumstances started changing, the more I’d say yes to others, the less I’d show up in my own life. I lacked a sense of my own identity; I went through life as a selfless person who was always accommodating others’ needs and wants. I lost myself in my relationships, allowing other people to dictate my actions. This led me to believe that I must act in certain socially acceptable ways, even if those actions were not aligned with what I truly wanted for my life.

By adjusting myself and my internal functioning to keep what I thought were peaceful relationships, I lost a sense of myself. Without a clear sense of self, I based my wellbeing and functioning on others, leaving no room for me. When aspects of ourselves are distanced, denied, or devalued, they’ll always try to make us listen by surfacing as unwanted physical symptoms. I was ignoring myself, and the weight of feeling responsible for others became a burden on my shoulders that manifested as real pain.

Think about it. When you feel bad or anxious about saying no, you’re basically placing others’ feelings and responsibilities on your shoulders. You don’t want to disappoint people, and you certainly don’t want them to be upset with you. What I learned through my medical crisis is that it’s okay to say no and put your needs first; how the other person interprets that is their responsibility. You alone are responsible for your happiness; other people’s happiness isn’t your responsibility.

In putting less yes and more me in my life, I was able to create a more balanced sense of myself. I began to take care of my health by going to get massages, practicing yoga, working on my relationships, and taking care of my emotional wellbeing. By learning how to say no, I’ve allowed myself more time to do the things I enjoy, and I’ve wound up with more energy as well. The more I get to know myself and bring my true nature to the surface, the more at ease my body feels. I only took one muscle relaxer after learning what was going on with my body. I threw out the rest, because I was committed to feeling—even if it was painful. I now understand that muscle tightness in my neck and shoulders is a signal from my body, letting me know I have to take a closer look at my life. I now know that I never again have to numb my internal alert system—and neither do you.

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4 Reasons Why Sex Should be a Priority as a New Mom

4 Reasons Why Sex Should be a Priority as a New Mom

By Natalie Hatjes, MS, CHt

Becoming a new mom comes with an overwhelming amount of emotions. It’s exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time, but overall amazing nonetheless. It’s a very challenging time, as a woman, trying to figure out how to switch between being a mother and expressing your sexual side. You may find yourself pondering questions like, “Is it possible to still feel and be sexy even though I am a mom now?”

Just because you now identify with a new title “mom”, does Not mean you can’t experience pleasure and orgasmic intimacy with your partner, or even yourself. Even as a sex expert I had to continually remind myself, as a new mom, that it was ok to still be myself while trying to raise a child. Losing yourself in motherhood is an easy thing to do, but difficult to come back from.

What excuses do you find yourself making to avoid sex? Do you find yourself saying things like, “I am too tired,” “I don’t have enough time” and, “My baby is awake all of the time?”

Pre-baby, you may not have had to put extra effort into making sex a priority, but it’s ok to schedule it in now that you have an extra person that requires a lot of attention. You schedule in a workout when it’s important, right? There is nothing wrong with scheduling in a time to have sex. This way you will feel more relaxed, maybe even take a nice nap afterwards. Bonding with your partner and self-care is so important postpartum, and I can’t think of a better way to be with each other than making time to get intimate.

You are still a sexual being, and even though it may not seem like it right now, you are still very much attracted to your partner. Your health and happiness are even more important now and you deserve to nurture that aspect of your life. To remain happy and healthy, my motto has always been, “An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.”

Orgasms have so many benefits for new moms, or any woman for that matter.

When I was a new mom, my brain was on overdrive and I was exhausted all of the time. The advice I received was “sleep when the baby sleeps,” which wasn’t easy for me. Yes, I was exhausted, but I couldn’t just relax. I couldn’t stop thinking about what needed to be done, did I remembered to brush my teeth and/or take a shower? So here is some advice on how making sex a priority helped me to relax into motherhood.

1. Orgasms. After an orgasm, the hormone prolactin is released, which is responsible for the feelings of relaxation and sleepiness. Interestingly, it’s also the hormone that nursing moms release that helps with lactation and the same hormone that kicks your libido to the curb. Orgasms are much safer than a sleeping pill.

2. Reduce stress levels. As a new mom, you are probably feeling stressed. You are responsible for a new life, after all. Sex and intimacy with your partner can lower your stress levels and a help to increase your self-esteem by releasing a “feel good hormone” called oxytocin. You may have also heard it referred to as the “cuddle or love hormone.” Even just touching and hugging can keep you happy, healthy, and feeling good. Sounds good, right?

3. Exercise. Getting in some exercise may be difficult until you figure out a routine. If you can’t leave the house, have sex instead! Having sex burns about 5 calories per minute. You’re using all kinds of muscles and it bumps up your heart rate.

4. Increase sex drive. As a new mom, especially a nursing mom, you may notice you have a low sex drive. Having sex actually helps with your libido. It increases vaginal lubrication, blood flow, and elasticity, which all make sex feel better, and then you crave even more of it. Even better, it can help with that new “mommy bladder” because sex is like a workout for your pelvic floor muscles. Orgasms cause contractions in those muscles, which will strengthen them. Soon enough, you will not have to cross your legs to sneeze!

Sexual intimacy needs to go on the to do list, but don’t look at it as a chore. This is the icing on the cake, the reward to your hard work, the chocolate sprinkles on your ice cream. It makes your day better. This is all part of your self-care routine. I realize that many new moms are experiencing a low libido and don’t want to even think about sex, but there are ways to help with this. As a new mom, we typically put ourselves last. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup, so you have to push yourself to the top of your list.

A big disconnect can be that your partner thinks you are super sexy, but you feel frumpy in your oversized t-shirt and nursing bra. On top of that, you’re sure you smell like pee, poop, and now one breast is bigger than the other because you only nursed on one side two hours ago.

What will it take for you to feel sexy again? Go for a walk, schedule a salon appointment, pick up a new bra or lingerie, and/or go get a mani/pedi. Make sure you are taking some time for YOU. You can even set the mood with some candles, massage oils, music, dancing, and/or some sexy games. Just know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel! Give yourself permission to switch between roles. Take baby steps if you must, but keep the sexual intimacy alive. You are giving and receiving so much love to your baby, and even though your baby is consuming so much of your time and energy – don’t forget about Dad (and most importantly yourself).

Bio: Natalie Hatjes, MS, CHt, founder of Love Chat with Nat is a sex expert and hypnotherapist, sex toy peddler, speaker, blogger, and event organizer in South Florida. She offers empowering education for women through her wide variety of transformational, inspirational, and practical teachings. She has over 13 years of experience working one on one and in group settings, educating women on self-love, intimacy, and sexual health.

Natalie is also the founder of an online program Reconnect, Restore, Reclaim; a Holistic Approach to Intimacy After Cancer. She can be seen in ihadcancer.com. beatcancer.org, noumagazine.org, and more. She has also appeared on multiple podcasts, blogtalks, and webinars.

 

How to Stop Living for Others and Start Looking Out for Yourself

“You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”

– JK Rowling

Each of us has a unique and personal way of dealing with life that sets us apart from one another. Our personal traits vary and reveal themselves within our personal relationships, the decisions we make, and where we spend most of our time. Some of the ways we express ourselves include how we process emotions, how we deal with anxiety, and how we perceive our role within our relationships. While we all react and respond differently to different situations, it’s important for us to look inward and question whether our actions are congruent with who we want to be and how we want to live our lives. If you find yourself exclusively living for others, you might be putting your life on the back burner, ignoring your own needs.

It’s difficult to escape the pattern of living for others. But it’s important to make changes in order to actually live. I know you’re aware that life is short. We all know this; yet we continue to do things, make decisions, and live in ways that don’t fulfill us or make us happy. We think that if we just try a little harder, we’ll finally get the results we want. News flash: You can’t have the life you want by investing all the time and energy you have into other people. This is a guaranteed way to never get your happily ever after. It’s actually a surefire way to get the opposite of what you want. Sometimes you have to take a hard look at your life and at yourself. Most of the time, real change starts with you, because no one else is going to do it for you.

Are you tired of disappearing from your own life? Are you ready for change? Well first, you’ve got to have your own back. You’ve got to start being more realistic about the expectations you place on yourself. You aren’t a superhero, and you don’t need to rescue the world or the people in your life in order to be a fantastic person. You just have to show your true self and be you.

Looking Out for You

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing inherently bad with wanting to do for others. However, it’s important to make sure that when you do want to please others, your actions align with what’s important to you. Pleasing becomes an issue when you stop living for yourself in the process of trying to make others happy.

It’s especially difficult to place your needs first when the people you care about, whose opinions you respect, might not agree with you. It may seem impossible for you to pursue what matters most to you. Remember that the drive for safety and security is ingrained in our brains for evolutionary reasons. Our human instinct is to stay alive, avoid danger, find food, and secure an attractive mate so we won’t become instinct.

The truth is, your loved ones are more concerned with your safety than they are with your happiness and passions.

Now that we, humans, no longer need to hide from threats to our survival on a daily basis, we get to choose how we want to live our lives. We can pursue a life that makes us happy, even if it goes against the majority. However, it’s easy to forget that we have this option when we’re caught up in efforts to win others’ approval.

So how can you give back to this world without losing yourself? What talents, strengths, and actions give you the most pride in yourself?

Most of the time, we’re stuck in situations that are uncomfortable for us or that might not make us happy. Many people fall into their careers as a matter of circumstance rather than passion. But instead of seeking ways to contribute to their own lives, they find themselves bored, unsatisfied, and more disconnected—not only from the type of work they do, but also from all the things they once enjoyed.

You Are a Long-Term Investment

Now is the time to figure out your values, principles, and long-term goals—the way you want to live during this one and only life.

Ask yourself, “If I had personal freedom, what would that look like? Where do I see myself in 10 years? What’s the smallest step I can take today that will move me in the direction of my goals? What does a life of value mean to me?”

Get busy living. Every day, take at least one hour to do something that gives you joy. Notice how it makes you feel. Challenge yourself to learn new things through reading and novel experiences. Take the things you learn, and put them into action.

The more time you spend making decisions that are aligned with your values, the happier you’ll be, the more successful you’ll become, and the more prepared you’ll be to make a true difference in this world.

What are some of your values? I’d love to hear about them in the comments section below.

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Have a tough time putting yourself first? Still not sure how to take action to live the life you always dreamed of? Check out my latest book, “When It’s Never About You.” – http://amzn.to/2macaur

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Dr. Ilene

Article edited by Dr. Denise Fournier

 

 

 

 

 

 

Find Happiness by Embracing All of Your Emotions

“We all have problems just some of us know how to deal with them and others don’t.”

–Don Draper from Mad Men

I don’t care if you’re genetically blessed, rich, privileged, have an amazingly caring family, or are some kind of royalty. No matter what remarkable, positive, fortunate things have happened to you, you’re still struggling with one thing or another. You still have something to overcome.

Whether it’s a physical condition, family stressors, financial problems, trauma from the past, or illness, every last one of us has—regardless of our race, ethnicity, or religion—has some challenge to overcome. We all have our crosses to bear.

If you’re trying to create a perfect life that includes zero problems or struggles, I’m sorry to tell you that you’re living on the wrong planet. A client once said to me, “Ahh I can’t wait until all of my life problems are just gone. Then I can be happy.” As nice as it sounds, that just isn’t how the world works.

Bad situations may get patched up for a while, but life will soon kick us off course again. That’s how the universe keeps us on our toes, and it’s often the only way we learn and grow. Therefore, our choices are to kick and scream about it, deny it, or accept it. Yes, some problems can be solved, but there are always some things we can’t do anything about. As the serenity prayer goes, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” This prayer is a reminder for us to solve the issues that can be fixed—like paying that parking ticket that keeps showing up in the mail— and accept the things that can’t—like a non-treatable condition, trauma from the past, or the loss of a loved one.

The challenge is to honor the pain, feel it, and then let it be, remaining aware of what can and can’t be changed. Whatever the situation, we must face it. Because trying to hide away from the negative emotions that come with life challenges can cause serious consequences to our health.

Goodbye, Problems; Hello, Happily Ever After

Life is not about getting rid of, erasing, or running away from our problems. It’s about learning to live within the mess and manage the best we can during the difficult times. The trick to making life more manageable is in recognizing how we tend to think about our problems and how we deal with them. I love the saying by Epictetus, “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” I used to think it meant staying strong and ignoring the things or people that hurt me. I would fight my way through things, always thinking there was a solution to everything. As I have evolved, I’ve come to understand the saying differently. I see now that we have no control over many of the situations that happen to us; the only thing we can control is how we deal with them.

I used to feel like I was driving on the highway looking for a Happily Ever After exit sign. I’d race my car forward as fast as I could, but the exit sign never appeared. Without realizing it, I’d hitched all my troubles onto the back of my car, allowing them to follow me to my destination. It was only a matter of time until I needed to pull off the side of the road and realized they were traveling with me all along.

Crying is Healthy

All animals experience negative emotions, and they don’t try to suppress them. Human beings, on the other hand, are given the message that sad emotions should be suppressed. We aren’t told that crying is actually essential and is something we should do more of if we feel it’s what we need to do to express ourselves.

When we don’t allow ourselves to cry or feel our true emotions, we end up stuffing them down, and studies have shown that doing this can cause psychological and physical ailments. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a pro at suppressing my emotions. It’s usually my first move when I feel something unpleasant. Maybe it works for a little while, like shoving too many clothes in a suitcase, but eventually the zipper breaks and everything inside falls out. Like clothes in a suitcase, our emotions can only be stuffed down and packed in for so long. The most effective way to deal with problems is to allow ourselves to feel whatever is coming up in the moment, knowing that no matter how fortunate we are, challenges and difficulties are part of life.

We’re meant to feel emotional pain and release it in some fashion. Crying is one of the greatest forms of psychological and physiological release. It’s the way nature designed us to deal with the range of our emotions.

I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I allow myself to cry. At first, I felt raw and vulnerable, like I was standing naked on a stadium stage. But I came to realize how much more relaxed I felt afterward, and how much better I felt about the situation that caused me to be upset.

Crying helped me become clearer about whether I could fix the situation or whether it was just something I had to accept. I am now more attuned to my body and what it is I need to heal, move forward from, and let go of. Now I realize that my happily ever after isn’t a single destination. I’ll always be on the road of happiness with all of my issues and challenges riding along in the backseat. The difference is I know they’re there, and I accept them as part of my journey. Happily ever after is here, now. It’s living in the moment, knowing things don’t have to be perfect all the time, and being okay with that.

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Do you suppress your emotions to the point that you feel numb? Check out my latest book, “When It’s Never About You,” where you will learn how to feel safe with your emotions and live a better life. To learn more click here: http://bit.ly/2j1ZXHn

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Article edited by Dr. Denise Fournier

 

To Be a People-Pleaser Means You Tolerate Too Much Guilt

“Self-care is never a selfish act. It is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”

–Parker Palmer

It’s not selfish to make yourself a priority. However, so many of us have a hard time thinking of putting ourselves first without associating it with being selfish. For many years I put other people before myself, thinking that was the “right” thing to do. However, that way of thinking needed to change in order for me to make the necessary changes in my life to be more attuned to my needs. I was able to change my perspective by shifting my idea of what it meant to be a good person. I knew that being a good person couldn’t mean that I would have to feel guilty all of the time when considering doing something for myself.

Part of the process of changing my mindset around selfishness was re-framing my idea that giving myself just as much value as others would be bad for my relationships. When learning that, gaining a strong sense of self, by making time for yourself, is better for your relationships that is when I started to feel less guilty about thinking of my needs. Self-care, connecting with your authentic self, and being present for yourself is not being selfish, but self-full. This is because you are thinking about you, what you need, while still keeping in mind other people. This means being in relationships without losing yourself, without carrying other people’s baggage, and acting based on what benefits you first. If that idea makes you feel uncomfortable, you probably associate a lot of guilt with bringing your needs to the forefront.

Feeling Guilty, if left unresolved by aiming to please, can create stress, anxiety and a loss of self. I get it. I’ve struggled with feeling guilty for most of my life, even when I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I especially felt guilty around people being disappointed with me or disapproving of my actions. That pushed me to say yes to things I didn’t want to do.

For people pleasers it’s especially hard to say no. It is amazing to see your friends, family, and/or boss happy, but when you start to do more for others and ignore You, you’re not serving anyone. Saying yes because you feel obligated shouldn’t be the driving force in your decision-making process because this will eventually weigh you down. Here are some tips on how to live without guilt:

1. People can ask you for help, but you don’t give up your priorities to help.

2. You depend more on your logic to make a decision than on emotional impulses to please.

3. You depend on the mature aspects of yourself to nurture the child who seeks approval within.

4. You are in charge and take control over your life.

5. You make your own decisions without relying on others or being fearful of what they’ll think of you.

The hardest part of putting yourself first is taking action without letting guilt stop you; after that it’s just a matter of consistently staying with your new habit of you being your number 1. Once the momentum has been created, the process just gets easier. Instead of waiting for something or someone else to allow you to be self-full, give yourself permission to do it. Discover what you want in this world, and go out and get it.

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Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

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Know anyone that has a tough time prioritizing themselves? Steer them to my latest book, “When It’s Never About You.” It is available for customers to order here

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Article edited by Dr. Denise Fournier

 

How to Find the Courage to Love Again After Being Hurt

“Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”

–Brene Brown

Leaning into love and connection can feel like going into battle without any armor, especially if you have been deeply hurt in the past. Early on, romantic love experiences may be easy and effortless, like running naively into the open battlefield. But once we’ve been wounded, we tend to triple the amount of armor we need for the next round. Too much body armor makes it hard to move freely. We walk around stiff and overprotected. Though the purpose is to prevent people from injuring us, it also keeps us from being able to make our own meaningful attacks.

When the battle has ended and we have survived, it’s time to take off all that armor so we can live freely again. But this isn’t always easy to do. Naturally, many of us wonder, “Is it smart to remove my armor after I’ve been so deeply wounded in the past?” So, we continue to walk around armored, believing it’s keeping us safe from harm, heartache, and pain. We close ourselves off from the best parts of life—the parts that make it meaningful—and we fail to realize that even if we leave the armor on, we may still lose our lives in battle anyway.

Shutting Out Love After Being Hurt

When other people hurt us, it’s easy to close ourselves off from connecting with people in the future. By building steel armor around our hearts, we aim to prevent ourselves from ever getting hurt again. What tends to happen is the more harm we experience, the thicker our armor becomes.

We tend to believe we’re being wise and realistic when we close ourselves off from intimacy. And that logic makes sense. Why would we want to leave ourselves open to something that has caused pain in the past? Humans are usually smart enough to steer clear of things that will hurt them. To defend themselves after they’ve been hurt, people tend to numb themselves and go into protection mode—which is fine and normal for some time. But until we’re ready to actually deal with the pain and go through the motions, we won’t be able to make meaningful connections. There’s a reason people avoid dealing with the hurt. It can be like pouring alcohol into an open wound. Though it helps with the healing, it will burn the crap out of us in the process. So rather than trying to heal, many people close themselves off, blame people for being cruel, and crawl into their own cocoons. They convince themselves this is the only way to live, because their past experiences have taught them it’s too dangerous to love and be vulnerable to another person.

The Importance of Relationships and Vulnerability

“There simply is no pill that can replace human connection. There is no pharmacy that can fill the need for compassionate interaction with others. There is no panacea. The answer to human suffering is both within us and between us.”

–Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

Whether we like it or not, it’s important to understand that human connection is one of the most crucial aspects of a happy and fulfilled life. Next to food, shelter, and water, human relationships are at the top of the list. So even though they’re hard to maintain at times, they’re an important part of life that can’t be ignored or hidden away from.

Human relationships are so important that we’re biologically wired for them. Think about how boring and purposeless this life would be without friendships, intimacy, and family. Being human comes with a desire to be loved and accepted for who we are and to offer the same to others. Did you know that newborn babies need to be embraced, held, and cuddled in order to experience healthy psychological development? Studies show that newborn babies with little to no human connection and comfort don’t develop in healthy ways and, in some cases, even die.

Therefore, it’s important to be aware of the dangers of shutting people out and learn how to navigate the uncharted territory of being vulnerable in relationships. When we lose the ability to be vulnerable and close ourselves off to love, we also lose our ability to experience the joy that comes from relationships. As Brene Brown says, “We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”

What if I told you there’s a way to love and be protected as well—that there’s a more modern bulletproof vest that doesn’t weigh you down but shields you from the harm? It’ll still hurt if you get hit, but you’ll survive. It starts with loving yourself and learning to trust your judgment, treating yourself with love, respect, compassion, and kindness. Once you do that, you can bring forward your true self, with all your vulnerabilities, and realize it’s okay to fight for your chance at meaningful relationships without carrying all that heavy weight in your heart. People tend to question themselves when they feel rejected by another person, and the pain they experience can be physical as well as emotional. Part of the pain comes from questioning whether they’re lovable the way they are. Some people then close themselves off from others. Because someone chose not to love them as they are, they internalize that as a sign that they’re no longer worthy of love.

I know you’ve probably heard countless times that you have to love yourself first in order to love others. This is especially true after you’ve been hurt, because if you truly love yourself, the pain won’t run so deep. When you have self-love, you’re able to open up and accept love from others once you’ve healed from the pain. That love will serve as a bulletproof vest. It will allow you to be vulnerable and open to the possibility of caring for another person. That’s why being vulnerable is a strength, not a weakness that needs to be hidden from the world. Once you learn that feeling emotions, including pain, is part of the human experience, you’ll be better able to love, get hurt, heal, and love all over again. It will become easier to make intimate connections with people. It’s important to take the time to heal and evaluate what went wrong in your past relationships, rather than quickly jumping into something else. You need to see what part you played in the break up, not hide away and blame others for making you feel unlovable. You’ve got to learn from the past, feel the pain of loss, and then let go.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable requires you to open up the parts of you that you closed off after being hurt. Vulnerability is hard to express, because it involves accessing parts of yourself that others may have disapproved of. But when you have a strong sense of self, it won’t matter how others view you, because you’ll be aware of and open to your vulnerabilities. Once you become aware of all the parts of yourself, you won’t feel the need to close yourself off. You’ll be able to throw alcohol on your wounds and give them time to heal so that you can experience love again. Since you deeply and solidly love yourself, you’ll no longer need approval from others. It takes a lot of strength to honor all the parts of you, regardless of the opinions of others.

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

Do you know someone that has a hard time loving themselves? Steer them towards my latest book, “When It’s Never About you.”

It is available for customers to order here.

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Article edited by Dr. Denise Fournier