Ilene S. Cohen's Blog, page 15

How I Learned to Stop Being a People-Pleaser and Live Life on My Own Terms

Once upon a time, I was a major people-pleaser—a real pushover. I didn’t know where other people ended and I began, and my decisions were based on what would make other people happy or comfortable. I thought this made me easygoing, likeable, and generally pretty cool. Little did I know at the time that it really just made me lost, confused, and pretty unlikeable. You see, when you go through life as a pleaser, you aren’t living on your own terms. You think you’re being nice, agreeable, and drama free, but keeping your true self beneath the surface doesn’t do anyone any favors. In reality, it just results in you being surrounded by rude, selfish, and unforgiving people who, instead of appreciating that you’ve put their needs first, treat you like a doormat.

For most of my life, I used people-pleasing in the same way other people use drugs, alcohol, food, or shopping—as a way to avoid the discomfort of others’ disapproval. When it came to being disliked, invalidated, or perceived as being in the wrong, I was a really big baby. I could get into my childhood traumas and the events that prompted my need to please; but more important than why this all started is how I learned to overcome it. Because if you’re anything like I was, you know that at some point, you have to stop trying to please others and do something for yourself for a change.

Sitting around praying for people to understand how much pressure they put on you—or hoping they’ll one day lessen their demands, drama, and constant urgencies—is futile. Without changing your own behaviors, this kind of wishing and hoping isn’t just foolish, it’s straight up counterproductive. A few years ago, I realized that the only authentic way out of my people-pleasing dilemma was to start becoming aware of my own internal world, recognizing that the only person I could change was myself. Below are some of the things I did to stop people-pleasing and start living life on my own terms.

• Become self-aware. The greatest changes begin when we look at ourselves with interest and respect, instead of judgement and denial. When we invite our thoughts and feelings into awareness, we have the opportunity to learn from them instead of unconsciously reacting to them, and we increase our awareness of reality by being willing to encounter our personal truths. When I did this, it gave me a better handle on my impulse to please and allowed me to notice when I wasn’t being helpful. It gave me a choice to make different moves.

• Realize that doing too much hurts, rather than helps, relationships. Through my education, I learned that the health of my relationships depended on my willingness to take care of my share and be true to myself. I learned that when you do too much for others, you over-function in your relationships, which inevitably leads others to under-function. Though my intentions were good, they ultimately hindered the overall effectiveness of my relationships.

• Understand the importance of being authentic. I came to terms with the fact that we’re all unique individuals. We should be able to act authentically and connect with who we are and what we value, instead of always doing what others want.

• Learn to let go. If you’re stuck in the past and can’t let go of things that happened to you, chances are you’re accepting what your abusers, bullies, or other negative people in your life believe about you. You’ll remain imprisoned by them, never able to access your full potential, if you don’t learn to let go. I had to learn to let go of all the hateful things people had said to me that had me living in fear of others’ disapproval.

• Realize that avoiding problems doesn’t promote growth. When problems arise in our lives, we tend to react by immediately trying to get rid of them and the feelings they bring. I tried everything in my power to avoid experiencing even the slightest discomfort and pain, which fueled my urge to please. When we avoid our problems and try to get rid of them immediately, we only make things worse for ourselves in the future.

• Start navigating anxiety. When we make anxiety-based decisions, we aren’t being true to what we really want. We act impulsively, based on instinct, inevitably causing us to experience more anxiety in our lives. When I learned to better manage my instinctual urge to please, I found myself on more solid ground in my relationships with my family, friends, and myself.

• Learn self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is an ever-evolving process, and it’s up to each one of us to get that process in motion. Once I learned and accepted my worth, I was able to start taking on the project of becoming my best self.

It’s never too late to live a free life—one that’s finally on your own terms. For me, breaking out of the people-pleasing trap didn’t happen because I prayed that other people would change; believe me, I went down that road many times, and it never worked. Instead, I decided to find ways to change my own responses to people, realizing how unhelpful my pleasing behaviors were to myself and those around me.

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Do you know someone that has a tough time saying no? Steer them to my latest book, “When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.” It is available to order here!

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

What You Need to Know About the Importance of Healing Connection

Many people, when they experience trauma of some kind, retreat into isolation. This is a natural reaction, because when you go through trauma, your view of the world is totally turned upside-down. A once predictable world comes to feel much more unpredictable, and locking yourself in can make you feel better in the moment—no doubt it’s easier than venturing out into an unpredictable world. While being aware of the space and time you need is important for healing, isolation won’t help you grow more resilient. The main ingredient in the healing and recovery process is connection with others who can validate, identify, and understand your feelings.

When we’re separated from someone important to us, it doesn’t feel so great. In what he called The Still Face Experiment, Dr. Edward Tronic looked at what happens to infants when their parents are present but not responsive or engaged. This experiment showed that even with a parent physically present, infants become distressed if there’s an absence of meaningful connection. When the parents in the study reconnected and engaged with their infants, it created a sense of normalcy and peace.

It usually doesn’t take much to form a connection. Even something simple like slowing down to be present, giving a hug, or making eye contact can create a closer connection. Studies have shown that gentle and kind touch with the people we trust affects us positively, both emotionally and physically. Even a brief encounter boosts oxytocin levels in the brain, thus generating a sense of optimism, trust, and self-esteem. Elevated oxytocin levels are shown to reduce blood pressure, improve digestion, decrease intestinal inflammation, and reduce anxiety. Sounds pretty great, right?

The bond between two people is necessary for their resilience in the face of life’s setbacks. Since we now know about the power of connection to be healing, finding ways to make it happen is key to a better quality of life. There are three important ways we can form healing connections, and studies show that all it takes is a little intention and focus.

1. Internal

Research shows that stimulating both sides of the brain can support emotional processing. A therapy known as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is one of the best-known ways to create this kind of stimulation for the purposes of healing from trauma. We can use our brains in this same kind of way by engaging in activities such as running, drumming, or knitting.

Music has also been shown to help promote healing at the emotional and physical level. Important research has provided some evidence that music can affect the body by easing physical pain, improving performance, enhancing recovery, improving sleep, and increasing blood flow in the body. Music also provides benefits like reducing stress and depression, enhancing mood, stimulating the mind, and reducing anxiety. For people who play an instrument, the benefits are actually enhanced by stimulating brain function and providing connections with other musicians or music lovers.

2. Historical

Various cultures recognize the importance of people staying connected to their families of origin and ancestors. In some cultures, people call on their ancestors to guide them and help them understand where they are in their lives today.

If you look at a family’s intergenerational patterns of anxiety or drug use, it’s plain to see that unhealthy patterns of managing stress get repeated, and children learn their behaviors from their families. Most families have experienced some type of trauma throughout the generations. For those that have lived through historical trauma, such as slavery or genocide, the coping of one generation of survivors can remain with the family for many generations to follow. Trauma and healing leave a powerful mark on individuals and families. Evidence shows that trauma can even alter our DNA!

Understanding how a history of trauma may have changed your family can help you cope in ways that don’t harm you, but instead facilitate the healing process. In order to heal, we must first recognize and deeply understand the horrific experience, coming to terms with its place in our lives and finding ways to resolve it within ourselves, our families, and our communities. It’s from that place that what seemed to be meaningless cruelty can turn into something very different, maybe even something positive

3. Communal

Spend quality time with people you can trust; this can help you form healing relationships. Some examples of places where you can create these bonds are church, temple, recreational sports leagues, or counseling groups. I can’t stress enough the importance of group support; it’s one of the reasons groups like AA have been so successful. By processing pain together, people forge deep, supportive bonds with one another. Make time to connect with others who can relate and empathize with you, especially in programs and services designed to help you heal and recover.

Doing things together can strengthen the healing bonds that create personal and community resilience. No matter what curveballs life may throw at you, your connectedness with others can help you navigate through it all. It’s tempting to retreat and distance yourself from others when trauma happens or life gets tough; but this only makes it more difficult to heal. Instead of turning away from others, turn toward them. Staying connected with family, friends, and community can have a major impact on your quality of life, helping you cope with life’s struggles.

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

Do you know someone that has a tough time in relationships? Steer them to my latest book, “When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.” It is available to order here!

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Healing from Trauma With the Power of Human Connection

“Trauma and our responses to it cannot be understood outside the context of human relationships… The most traumatic aspects of all disasters involve the shattering of human connections. And this is especially true for children…”

-Bruce Perry, MD

As most of us know, our overly socially connected world makes it easy for us to get disconnected from actual human connection and exchange—which is a problem, considering humans are social beings. Think about it: our worst devastations involve the loss of important relationships. So it makes sense, then, that recovery from trauma is also all about relationships by doing things like rebuilding trust, recapturing confidence, gaining a sense of security, and connecting through love. Without real and lasting connections to others, real healing isn’t possible.

Research shows that the heart of therapy is the relationship therapists create with their clients—not their methods, training, or certifications. It’s been proven time and again that people who thrive after a traumatic event do so because of the strong social connections that surrounded and supported them through the hard times. What people who have experienced trauma need most is a healthy community to comfort them through the pain and loss. The quality and authenticity of these relationships creates an unbreakable bond.

You probably don’t need research to tell you that what truly helps people in crisis is consistent, repetitive, unconditional loving care and support. And I’m not referring to well-intentioned people—including therapists—who run in after a traumatic event, pushing people to talk or open up about what happened when they aren’t yet ready. Some of the people who are the most vulnerable are also the least likely to have a healthy, supportive family and community. I’ve seen firsthand that it’s very difficult to provide effective help to those in need through the current systems we have in place. Just as Bruce D. Perry, MD, Ph.D. & Maia Szalavitz state, “Because healthy communities themselves are often what prevents interpersonal traumatic events from occurring in the first place, the breakdown of social connection that is common in our highly mobile society increases everyone’s vulnerability.” Healing from trauma is about restoring these connections, not creating more division.

As humans, our adaptability and strength develops from our ability to combine instinct, emotion, and rational thinking. If we choose to ignore any of these factors, we limit what we can accomplish. This then causes us to not only distance ourselves from each other, but also from the internal resources that are invaluable to our connection with each other and our universe. This leaves us with an empty space—a world of isolation that’s void of the spiritual connection we crave not only to survive, but to have a good life. Without this connection, we can’t heal from the trauma, depression, anxiety, etc. that we experience; we end up building barriers as an attempted solution that doesn’t really work to protect us from more pain and devastation.

The good news is, there’s a lot we can do to heal from trauma and devastation. Instead of finding fear-based ways to divide us, we can form a clear path that moves us toward connection. When we know our values and what the research says about what’s most helpful, we gain an opportunity to provide our children and other trauma survivors real healing, rather than leaving them paralyzed in their pain. All of us come equipped with resiliency and strength that allows us to rebuild our lives no matter what trauma took from us.

Beyond the obvious personal benefits, the bond between people is vital because it helps us heal over time. Knowing the power of connection, we can build healing connections that support our wellness and resilience. This is why I’m not worried about a community like Parkland, which just faced an unspeakable tragedy and is filled with more questions than answers. I’m not worried about the resilience of the people who are now coming together to find solutions and support the people whose lives crashed around them within minutes. Through their connections and the support of millions, time and love will heal their trauma, and much-needed changes will take place. Now more than ever, it’s important for us to connect through our similarities and the common things we all want: to be accepted, not isolated, and heard even when our ideas are different.

Sending out much-needed peace and love to those suffering from trauma. I hope you can find a way to connect once again.

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Loving an Addict: The Help/Harm Paradox

As a family therapist with years of experience in addiction treatment, I know how painful it is to love someone with a substance use problem. It means staying up all night worrying about what might happen. It means fearing the worst every time the phone rings. And for many people, it means tirelessly trying to figure out how to help.

It can feel helpless to witness a loved one struggle with substance abuse, and it’s natural to want to do everything possible to keep him or her safe. The problem is that when it comes to addiction, helping can sometimes be harmful. Many people try to support their loved ones in active addiction without realizing that they’re doing more harm than good. Despite their best intentions, they make efforts to help—offering money, for example—that ultimately allow their loved ones to keep damaging their lives.

Although loving a person who suffers from addiction can feel hopeless, you need to know that there is, in fact, hope. Here are a few ways that you can manage the difficult help/harm paradox, supporting your loved one while keeping yourself well.

1) Learn about addiction. As it is with most illnesses, the more informed you are about addiction, the better positioned you’ll be to effectively support your loved one. There are some excellent resources out there, like this one (http://www.psychiatry.org/patients-fa...

). Learn as much as you can, and develop a relationship with a therapist or professional who can answer your questions.

2) Aim to strike a balance. As difficult as it can be, it is possible to help your loved one without causing harm. This means being compassionate but keeping necessary boundaries in place. It means remaining in connection with your loved one while holding him or her accountable. You’ll need to determine and be clear about what you are and aren’t willing to tolerate. Only by identifying and being firm with your limits can you effectively support your loved one while keeping your mental and emotional health in tact.

3) Understand that recovery is a process. People can and do change, but they pass through several stages on their way to making it happen. These stages are not linear, so some stalls, stops, and reverses in progress are to be expected. Understand that although there are likely to be setbacks, your loved one is still capable of creating and sustaining a sober lifestyle.

4) Take care of yourself. When you fear for a loved one’s health and safety, it can be easy to lose yourself. But if you’re not well, you’re in no position to help anyone else get well. It’s essential that you attend to your personal needs, prioritizing your health and wellbeing. As you work on trying to get your loved one professional support, make sure you’re being supported as well.

6) Know that you are not alone. You’re tired, you’re angry, you’re afraid. But you’re not alone. Addiction doesn’t discriminate, and it’s more common than you might think. Al-Anon Family Groups (http://www.al-anon.org/home) are held every day in countless locations throughout the country, offering family members of people with substance abuse problems a place to vent their struggles in an atmosphere of mutual support.

Whether your loved one is in active addiction, in treatment, or in recovery, it’s possible for you to be an important ally and agent of change. Your support can make all the difference in your loved one’s process toward attaining a healthy, sober lifestyle. Educate yourself, take care of yourself, and make sure you’re being good to yourself while doing good for your loved one.

Denise Fournier, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, coach, blogger, and adjunct professor at Nova Southeastern University. Her work with clients, as well as her writing, center on the Eastern traditions of Zen Buddhism and Taoism, which encourage a balanced, open, and accepting approach to life.

For more from Dr. Denise, visit www.evergreen-therapy.com, and subscribe to the newsletter. You can also catch her on Instagram and Facebook

How to Build a Strong Sense of Self

“One of the greatest tragedies in life is to lose your own sense of self and accept the version of you that is expected by everyone else.”

– Unknown

Knowing yourself and becoming confident in who you are, isn’t as easy as it may sound. Building a strong sense of yourself can seem like an impossible task at times. It’s a lifelong project figuring out who you are, what you value, and what is important to you. It is especially hard to know yourself when living in a culture that sends us constant messages about who we should be and what we should like. It makes it challenging for us to separate what we want from what other people want. It is hard to know ourselves and find our own voice in the midst of so many other dominant ideas and opinions.

So, let’s get started with how you can build a strong sense of self, even when others think differently. To truly know yourself and be known by others, you must distinguish yourself by figuring out what your values, beliefs, and truths are, apart from other people’s opinions about what they should be. Begin by making choices for your life, instead of looking to others to make decisions for you. If you’re tired of wishing you had the strength to say no, if you’re overwhelmed by living a life others expect you to, if you wish you didn’t have to work so hard for approval, if you don’t have the courage to express your feelings or the ability to be happy with who you are, then you know you’re living a life that isn’t congruent with who you are. You know you aren’t living for yourself. Below are some tips on how to build a strong sense of self:

1. Differentiate yourself. Look within, distinguish yourself from your surroundings, allowing you to become more self-aware. Before you make any decisions—especially life altering decisions—you have to figure out what you want and how you want to spend your time. People who know themselves make decisions for themselves automatically. But it takes time to get there. The process of defining a self, especially later in life, can be slow. Take your time and remember that knowing yourself happens through the decisions you make.

2. Create yourself. When developing a sense of self, it helps to stay in conversation with yourself, always exploring new ways to be who you want to be. You can do this by becoming the observer of your own life, which will help you be more attuned with your inner self. When a situation occurs, take a step back and watch your process, thoughts, and feelings, without trying to react immediately. For example, if someone asks you to do something for them, you don’t have to answer right away. Instead, you can say, “Let me get back to you.” This will give you some time to really consider your options, without having to make an instant decision. Your automatic responses can lead you in a direction that isn’t in line with yourself, and you may end up regretting it later if you don’t take your time to answer.

3. See challenges as a way to know yourself. When you’re faced with difficult situations in life, try to see them as opportunities for you to decide who you are and see what you’re capable of. As Neale Donald Walsch says in his book Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, “each circumstance is a gift, and in each experience is hidden treasure.” When you continue to act in ways that don’t align with your values, you rob yourself of the opportunity to experience who you want to be in different situations and circumstances. How you choose to behave, think, and feel are all expressions of who you want to be. When you observe your self without judgment or impulsivity, you’re making a decision about who you are; you’re getting to know You. Situations in life, even negative ones, can always serve as opportunities.

4. Apply these actions to your life. There are a few ways that you can practice knowing yourself in your daily life, allowing You to move through life as a more distinguished self: a. Make a real effort to have your feelings line up with your logical brain by looking at the facts every situation, b. Practice sitting with the discomfort that comes from your wants not being immediately satisfied, c. Think about your personal values instead of imposing them on other people, d. When people in your life upset you or you don’t agree with them, try to stay connected to them rather than pulling away, e. Have your own ideas, values, and thoughts even if others disagree with them, f. Look beyond your initial impulsive reactions so you can see your real intentions, and act in ways that better fit with who you want to be versus what your impulses dictate.

Take obstacles, situations and interactions with people as an opportunity to express who you are, who you want to become, and how you want to express your true self. The only way to really know who you are is to try on certain actions for size and see how they make you feel. Over time, you may notice that acting in ways that fit with who you are simply feels better than acting in ways that don’t naturally align with your true nature.

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

Do you know someone that has a tough time in relationships? Steer them to my latest book, “When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.” It is available to order here!

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Living Your Life in the Grey Area

“The deepest secret is that life is not a process of discovery, but a process of creation.”

—Neale Donald Walsch

People find it scary to live in the grey. Some even find it offensive, because they believe they must have all the correct responses to the world’s toughest situations. In the grey area there are no universal laws dictating wrong or right. There are no best answers or perfect choices. The only thing that’s certain is that there’s no right path, no absolute Truth. Living with this idea is strange. It means constantly inhabiting the unknown. However, it can be extremely freeing to let go of believing that you have to have all the answers all the time.

Being Your Authentic Self in the Grey

When you live authentically, you get to decide who you are and create who you want to be. It’s up to you to choose how you want to view or respond to a situation, regardless of the rules dictating what you’re supposed to think, want, or do. Living in the grey means recognizing that you make the ultimate decision about what type of person you want to be. If there’s a black and white script dictating your life, or a specific map that you’re supposed to follow, it’s hard to truly experience life the way you want to. For me, living in the grey has meant deciding what I value, appreciate, and think. Ultimately, it’s given me the confidence to be who I want to be, regardless of others’ opinions or judgments. Rather than being told and taught the way to be, I can interpret situations for myself. In this sense, I’m no longer burdened by should statements; commanding phrases like ought, must, or have to no longer lurk in the shadows, bullying me into doing things I’m not comfortable with.

Dr. Albert Ellis, founder of Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy, used some interesting wordplay to describe black-and-white living. He assigned the clever terms should-ing and must-urbating, to the damaging act of making impossible demands on oneself. According to Ellis, when you constantly have should statements in your vocabulary, you block your ability to see and materialize your desires and wishes. Instead, you live according to inaccurate expectations. Living by rigid, black and white rules dictating how you, others, the world, and life need to be can make you more confused, upset, discouraged, and angry.

Learning to Live in Grey Areas

“Grey is the color of intellect, knowledge and wisdom. It is perceived as classic, refined, dignified, and conservative. Grey is a perfect neutral that lives between the extremes of black and white.”

—Unknown

There was a time in my life when I liked to know everything. I needed to have all the answers, and I always had a plan. Over time, I came to realize that at some point, most answers and plans have to change or be altered in some way. Having a sense of certainty comforted me, reduced my anxiety, and allowed me to pack my life into a neat little package. But whenever I faced uncertainty, I became completely overwhelmed. I felt compelled to create a plan that would make things familiar again. But let’s face it: Whether we like it or not, we live in the unknown. We create answers to feel secure and try to understand the world we live in, but it doesn’t put us any more in control.

Humans are curious creatures; we need concrete answers. We’ll make a theory fit a situation—even if it has a bunch of holes—just so we can say we have an answer. I completely understand that way of thinking; it’s how I used to think for most of my life. I double majored in college—in philosophy and psychology—just so I could get all the answers. But Albert Einstein said it best: “The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don’t know.” We try to place people and situation in tidy boxes; but no matter how much we try to categorize human behavior, it still isn’t very predictable. One of my psychology professors used the example of pushing a chair to describe this concept. When you push a chair, you can reasonably predict where it’s going to go. Since it’s inanimate, it doesn’t change its response to you based on the kind of day it’s having. However, when you push a person, there’s no way to predict what will happen. Every person will react differently. Maybe you can reflect on the person’s past behaviors and make an educated guess, but depending on the person’s mindset, mood, and temperament on that particular day, he/she may respond differently than you might have expected.

We twist our brains into crazy knots trying to figure out why things happen or why people do what they do. But why is a nearly impossible question to answer. I, for one, don’t think I’ve ever found a clear, black and white answer to it. We ask, “Why did he do that?” or “Why did this happen?” or “Why am I suffering?” We think, “I should know why so I can fix it.” I don’t think we’re meant to really figure anything out, especially not the answers to our questions about why. I think, instead, we need to concentrate on what we want, and take action on it without judgment. We really don’t know why things happen, and we really don’t need to.

If you’re not totally comfortable with not knowing everything, think about how boring life would be if right now you knew everything you need to know. Then think about how impossible knowing everything really is. You’ll never know how people will always respond to you, or who’s going to win the basketball game, or how the stock market will do this year, and there’s something exciting about that.

Letting Go

Getting comfortable in the grey area takes a certain combination of preparing the best you can and then letting go and allowing life to do what it does. Work on finding contentment in the grey areas of your life, knowing that whether or not you have all the answers, you can still live fully within your own truth. When you formulate definitive answers you deny who you are and block your ability to authentically experience life. Write your own rules; create your own narrative; set your own guidelines. Live the version of life reflected in the words of Neale Donald Walsch: “The whole point of the process was for you to discover yourself, create your Self, as you truly are—and as you truly wish to be.”

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

Do you know someone that has a tough time in relationships? Steer them to my latest book, “When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.” It is available to order here!

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

The Search for Your True Self

“How hurtful it can be to deny one’s true self and live a life of lies just to appease others.”

– June Ahern

Jennifer came to my office without really knowing what her goals were for therapy. She wasn’t exactly sure what the problem was—or if there was even a problem at all—but she thought it would be a good idea to check in with a therapist and process a few things. As we got to talking, I discovered that Jennifer had been floating through life without really feeling anything. She had developed the skill of cutting off from her emotions; and, for the most part, she assumed this was a good thing.

Growing up with five younger siblings, Jennifer came to believe that there wasn’t much room for her emotions. If she got upset about anything, she was immediately shut down by her parents, who expected her to be well-behaved all `the time, bring home perfect grades, and help take care of her siblings. Even though she had gotten used to disconnecting from her emotions, Jennifer did consider herself to be a compassionate person and explained that she was always accommodating her family and friends’ needs. However, she admitted to me that there wasn’t much feeling behind her actions; it was all pretty automatic. As Jennifer and I got to know each other, she became increasingly concerned about her lack of emotions, especially when her last boyfriend broke up with her telling her that it was hard to get to know her, that she lacked enthusiasm for life, and that he didn’t believe she really cared about him.

At a young age, Jennifer learned to numb her emotions. Children can only experience their true feelings when there’s someone there who accepts them, understands them, and supports them fully. Jennifer didn’t have anyone like that in her life. In fact, she felt she would lose her family’s love if she was “defiant” and showed her feelings; so she learned to swat emotions away like annoying insects. She continued to live her life numb and passionless, and as a result, she never learned how to let her emotions in and regulate them properly.

How do we know our true selves?

The truth of who we are is so essential that it’s absence takes a heavy toll, typically causing us to lose our sense of self, personal goals, and close relationships. In order to become wholeheartedly ourselves, we must try, through an often lengthy process, to discover our own personal truth—a truth that may create discomfort before giving us a new sense of freedom. Jennifer would have continued on her journey in the same way she had been doing unless she started to learn that acknowledging old feelings isn’t deadly, but instead very liberating. Bringing her own self and needs into the picture wasn’t a bad thing, but something that could bring her to life.

Accommodating the needs of others often leads us to only reveal what’s expected of us; this, in turn, renders us unable to differentiate our true selves. Failing to live as a differentiated person leads to a sense of emptiness. When we can’t sense our own needs, we wind up feeling alienated, even from ourselves. Jennifer came to the understanding that in order to get love and acceptance from her family, she had to repress who she was; but this came at a big cost to her emotional development. When it’s only about other, there isn’t any room for self. Jennifer was regulating herself for others, and she realized it was no longer working for her life and her relationships.

Even if Jennifer did start to feel various urges, whims, or fleeting emotions, it wouldn’t mean that those emotions were revealing who she most fundamentally is. If you want to know who you truly are, don’t ignore your feelings; instead, accept them and connect with your deepest values. When we ignore ourselves and our true intentions, we betray ourselves and give up on what we value most.

If you want to live a fulfilling life, you must first know who you truly are; this is something that takes searching to discover. It never happens when you’re stuck in fear or doubt, and it certainly doesn’t happen when you’re numb and disconnected from yourself.

Are you having trouble connecting with your true self? I compiled the questions below to give you a chance to start uncovering your passions, values, desires, and motivations. Gaining a sense of who you are is the greatest knowledge you’ll ever acquire.

1. What do I love unconditionally?

2. What is my number one accomplishment in life?

3. What do I enjoy doing when no one is watching?

4. If there was no such thing as fear and failure, what would my life look like?

5. If I had $100 million, what would I do?

6. Who is my role model?

7. If I had $30,000 to donate to a cause, who would I donate to?

8. If I went to sleep tonight and a miracle occurred so that all of my problems were gone and I was happy when I woke up, what would be the first thing I’d see? What would my life look like?

These are just some questions to help you get started on the process of knowing your true self and discovering what your goals and values are. When you’re disconnected from yourself, like Jennifer was, it’s hard to know what you want—and it’s even harder to make decisions that are right for you. When you feel overwhelmed by emotions or believe your feelings don’t matter to the ones you love, it’s almost automatic to try to numb and disconnect from how you truly feel. Instead, it better serves you to recognize those emotions, understanding that like a storm, they will pass, and afterwards you’ll be able to make decisions and choices for yourself based on your values, principles, and beliefs.

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Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

When Trying to Make Everyone Else Happy Is Making You Miserable

“Sometimes you don’t realize you’re actually drowning when you’re trying to be everyone else’s anchor.”

– Author Unknown

“I just want to see everyone else happy,” sounds like such a nice sentiment. A beautiful and selfless statement. On the surface, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with that sentence; it’s probably the right thing to say to people in social situations. However, when you look beneath the surface, you can see that there’s a lot attached to that seemingly simple notion. Wanting to see everyone else happy is a big responsibility to carry. It’s a weight that you patiently ask others to relieve you of with their smiles, all the while failing to realize that you’re the one responsible for releasing it. It’s a responsibility that no amount of joy and laughter from others can take away, since receiving even a single frown from another person deletes, in your mind, all the happiness you’ve brought into the world.

Part of being in relationship with others is being invested in their wellbeing. Of course, we want to see the people we love happy. There’s no problem with that. The issues arise when we think we’re the ones who are responsible for that happiness. When we perform theatrics to see others happy, we ignore ourselves in the process and train ourselves to be uncomfortable around other people’s unhappiness. We then get fused, intertwined, and held down by how other people feel. We can’t feel good unless everyone feels good. When all of this starts to happen, it’s a sign that your very kind gestures have become your Achilles heel. It’s then that wanting to see everyone else happy makes you feel stuck, worthless, and like a failure.

Why does this strategy backfire on us?

Trying to make everyone else happy is an unattainable goal that will never be reached. It’s like trying to be perfect at everything we do; we’re really just setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment.

If you’re the kind of person who lives to make others smile, don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s a common thing, in order to feel secure in our relationships, we stop focusing on our own needs and put all of our energy into accommodating everyone else’s. This kind of behavior actually makes a lot of sense. If we can show others that we’ll make them our priority, it’s only natural to wish for them to appreciate it and return that love to us.

But things don’t usually work out that way. When we constantly give more than we get in return, it’s almost guaranteed that we’ll feel underappreciated. This pattern happens between romantic partners, friends, co-workers, family members, and any other relationship type you can imagine. The more consistently we take the same kinds of actions, the more these relationship patterns perpetuate, and the more likely we will continue these patterns in all of our relationships. Instead of seeing others happy and getting the love and acceptance you deserve, you we wind up receiving the very opposite.

A better and more attainable goal is to find what makes you happy and feel alive rather than getting hyper-focused on the needs and wants of others. Because the only person’s desires you can truly fulfill are your own. Everyone is responsible for their own internal happiness. By living a life that brings you joy and happiness, you’ll bring more love, joy, and happiness to the people who love you. And that will give them more time to find their own purpose, without having to worry about how they can show you they’re happy.

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

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Do you know someone that has a tough time in relationships? Steer them to my latest book, “When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.” It is available to order here!

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

How to Deal with Family Members Who Stress You Out

“Families are like fudge…mostly sweet with lots of nuts.”

After the holidays, I see a lot of people recovering from spending too much time with their families. Before the holidays, they mistakenly thought to themselves, “This year will be different; this year we’ll have a nice time together.” But then it’s never different. The time they spent with their families was like walking on hot coals; they couldn’t wait for it to be over. It’s like all their reasoning and maturity went away when faced with close-minded comments and overly opinionated uncles. Then, to top it all off, they get mad at themselves for letting these things bother them. Can you relate?

Feeling overly agitated, like you’re going to burst whenever you’re around family, isn’t a new phenomenon. However, there are ways to better prepare yourself any time you have an unwanted family reunion.

Dealing with stressful situations in the moment

So, your annoying aunt asks why you aren’t married yet, or your parents scream at you to help them with something before you’ve even had a chance to close the door. Going in with a clear mind and making a deal with yourself to take on any situation in a rational way is a good start, no matter how you’re greeted. But at the same time, it’s important to acknowledge that you have the right to naturally get upset by others’ unthoughtful actions. The crucial part is knowing that just because you’re upset doesn’t mean you have the right to act out from those emotions. In fact, it will probably only make the situation worse if you retaliate.

A good place to start is by taking a few deep breaths, trying to reduce your anxiety around the stressful situation by bringing in your rational mind. Breathe out, and disengage by remaining factual. If your parents are asking you to run off and help with something, tell them you’ll look into it after you close the door and are able to say hi to everyone, or maybe even after you eat. If your pushy aunt asks you why you’re still single, make a joke. If you’re too agitated, just say you’ll talk about it later. That will give you time to relax and think about how you want to deal with the situation, if you want to talk about it at all.

Sometimes just acknowledging that you’re annoyed is enough to give you room to deal with the frustration and anger. If it’s not enough, practice a coping skill like deep breathing, or talk yourself down from the situation by telling yourself, “They don’t mean to be annoying,” or, “Things will calm down once I get settled.”

Develop a strong sense of self

When people fail to develop a strong self, their well-being and functioning usually depend on what others say or don’t say, instead of on what they personally think. Essentially, their sense of self vanishes in the presence of others, especially in the presence of family. This happens because many people try to manage the anxiety of everyone in their family instead of their own. It would better serve them to look inside themselves and see how they’re managing and feeling, rather than being so concerned with others’ behaviors. When we lack a strong sense of self, we want to be and do what everyone in our family expects of us. Ignoring our own needs results in an experience of anxiety and discomfort whenever we’re surrounded by multiple family members at once.

Ask yourself, “What difference would it make if I held the belief that the people in my family can handle themselves?” Change happens when you shift the way you view a situation. Whenever an issue or argument arises in your family, do you get uncomfortable? Do you think you have to ease the situation and be the one to carry the conversation? Do you get uncomfortable when others get agitated? Then, when you can’t stand being with your family, do you believe the only solution is to distance yourself and ignore them? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you’re emotionally connected to others. This is normal, of course; however, there are ways you can better regulate your reactivity towards your family while staying emotionally connected to them.

By developing a sense of self, you build the ability to self-regulate and better manage your anxiety, which brings about changes that allow you to be less reactive to your family members; thus, your need for everything to go smoothly decreases, as do your expectations and feelings of distress.

Feeling less stressed around family is all about learning to manage your own part in your relationships with others, instead of trying to manage everyone else’s feelings. It means being part of your family while being able to control your own functioning at the same time. What a lot of us unknowingly do is adjust our internal functioning to help keep our family in harmony, which has adverse effects on how we feel about ourselves. By paying attention to your body, mind, and emotions when you’re interacting with your family, you become capable of balancing your co-occurring needs for togetherness and individuality.

Remember, you don’t have to always agree with your family

Family is family; they can be a source of comfort or the main source of stress at times, but they’re still a big part of your life. We think that we should agree all the time and get along in order to be a nice, functional family. However, there’s no rule that says you have to get along with everyone in your family all the time. Being related doesn’t mean you’ll get along in every situation, share the same political views, or even enjoy each other’s company.

It’s a fantasy to assume that just because there’s a family event, you automatically have to become a picture-perfect family to enjoy it. You’re only responsible for yourself. So be kind and respectful, but don’t force yourself neglect your true views out of fear that someone else will have a different opinion. Be strong enough to excuse yourself if a conversation gets out of hand, and spend more time around your favorite cousins or siblings.

Remember, when a difficult family situation arises and anxiety is high, avoiding the issue and distancing from family isn’t particularly helpful. Work on being who you want to be, even when you’re around people who have different opinions or make annoying remarks; that includes responding in ways that are suitable for you and beneficial to your functioning and health.

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

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Do you know someone that has a tough time in relationships? Steer them to my latest book, “When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.” It is available to order here!

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

How to Let Go of The Need to Be Perfect

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life.”

–Anne Lamott

You find yourself asking, “When will what I do be enough?” You wonder, “How do I know if I’m truly happy or just settling to be comfortable?” You catch yourself constantly striving for more—more money, more stuff, more beauty, more brains, more awards. But no matter how much you get, you never know if what you desire will help you become your best self or just drive you further down the dissatisfying road of perfectionism. I know the journey of perfectionism far too well. Every once in a while, when I least expect it, my own perfectionistic motivations creep up on me. They come into play most when I’m making decisions, working, or interacting with others.

It’s that feeling you get when you expect things of yourself that you’d never expect from others. It’s working yourself to exhaustion in hopes that you’ll feel whole, complete, worthy. It’s basing your self-worth on external accomplishments, feeling like you have something to prove all the time. It’s piling on the emotions of guilt, burnout, and self-hate. It’s always coloring inside the lines and giving yourself the metaphorical whip if you screw up.

Perfectionism lives and breathes in your fear of making a mistake. When you’re afraid of what might happen, you don’t always make the best possible choices.

Instead, you limit your options because you believe you’ll be unable to handle the outcome of your choices if they happen to be negative. Allowing perfectionism to run the show is like being on a hamster wheel; you just keep going and going and going, even after you’ve reached your original goal. You increase the stakes every time so that when you do accomplish something, you wonder if you could have done it better.

Feeling and thinking this way makes perfect sense, because our culture puts a ton of pressure on us to be perfect. We’re made to feel as if there’s something wrong with us if we’re still single by a certain age, don’t make a certain amount of money, don’t have a big social media following, or don’t look a certain way. In the midst of all that pressure, it’s easy to forget all the great, unique things about ourselves.

Many of the people I work with in therapy are frustrated because no matter how hard they try, they still feel like nothing they do is good enough. Even after all the external successes they’ve achieved, they still aren’t happy, and they aren’t sure why. What I find is that most of the time, their goals never came from them. When you never feel good enough in the eyes of others, it’s hard to build a strong sense of yourself. It’s difficult to know what you truly want, what ultimately fills your true purpose.

Perfectionism stays alive when you look for other people to give you worth, relying on their opinions to give you a sense of your value. It’s deceptive, because other people can’t make you feel like enough; that’s a decision you have to make for yourself. What’s enough and not enough, and how far you need to go, are more effective when they’re determined by your inner values. Needing and lacking approval and acceptance will inevitably lead you to feel that what you do is never enough; you’ll spend your life looking to do better and more.

That’s why I’m offering another way to be—an alternative to the endless cycle of looking for personal fulfillment through grand accomplishments. I want to help you put an end to the cycle of perfectionism. Knowing who you are and what you value is vital. Once you have that down, you can make the decision to be enough in every situation you face. And, in time, each situation will serve as a way to guide you toward your true self and free you from the need to be perfect.

So how do I let go of perfectionism and have a strong sense of self?

• Change your mindset – Our mindset contains our ideas and views about life, which come from our previous experiences and perceptions of the world. How we look at the world influences our experience in it. Our perception becomes our reality. Creating a good-enough mindset that isn’t filled with unrealistic expectations will help you cultivate a sense of wellbeing. Therefore, the first step to feeling like you’re enough is changing your mindset and old beliefs about yourself derived from past experiences of what’s expected of you. The rest is a process of changing the idea that you need to work harder for approval and using that energy to just be enough for yourself.

• Build self-reliance – You aren’t born with self-reliance, you gain it through trials and errors while you go through life making your own decisions. I started to develop confidence when I decided to think for myself and move forward with my decisions. People who act with self-reliance feel more in control of their environment, and feeling this way is an important ingredient of wellbeing. When what you do is in line with what you believe, your self-esteem and happiness grow. Being self-reliant means doing things for yourself. The more you do for yourself, the better you feel; the better you feel, the more confident you’ll become, and the less compelled you’ll feel to be perfect all the time.

• Learn to let go –Try to let go of whatever it is that’s holding you back from accepting who you are. You’ll probably realize that you aren’t what other people say you are. You aren’t your pain, your past, or your emotions. It’s usually negative ideas about ourselves and hurtful self-talk that get in the way of who we really want to be and push us to never make any mistakes.

• Make your own decisions – Start making your own decisions. It isn’t necessary to share every problem you encounter with everyone in your life. People do this to get advice, be told what they need to do, and pass their anxiety on to others. As you become more aware of what you want, you’ll start knowing the next step to take in your life, and you’ll recognize that nobody else has the answers. People who don’t feel good enough always look to others to make decisions for them. You know just as much as everyone else; in fact, you know more than others do about what’s right for you.

• Remember, you can’t hate your way into accepting yourself – Convincing yourself of what a failure you are will never make any situation better, and repeating to yourself that you’ll never live up to your potential certainly won’t lead you to reach it. It’s important for you to remember that you are enough just as you are—and I promise, the more you practice it, the more you’ll believe it.

• Make peace with the “now” before you feel satisfied with the “later” – We can’t feel totally satisfied with where we’re going until we can accept, acknowledge, and appreciate where we are. Make peace with where you are, and your journey toward something new will feel much more peaceful, rewarding, and satisfying.

Final Thoughts

Do you methodically look for evidence that you’re a nobody, that you don’t deserve acceptance, or that you aren’t living up to your potential? If so, I know how demoralizing and demeaning it can be. It will better serve you to focus on progress rather than perfection and on how far you’ve come instead of how far you have left to go.

One of the biggest pushes towards perfectionism is the need to always “get it right.” We strive for perfection and huge successes, and when we fall short, we feel worthless. What we don’t seem to realize is that working toward our goals and being willing to put ourselves out there are accomplishments within themselves. Give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back for trying, making progress, and coming as far as you have.

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

Do you know someone that has a tough time in relationships? Steer them to my latest book, “When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.” It is available to order here!

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene