Ilene S. Cohen's Blog, page 14

How to Reach Your Goals While Living in the Moment

“Life gives you plenty of time to do whatever you want to do, if you stay in the present moment.”

– Deepak Chopra

I once thought that trying to achieve my long term-goals and living in the moment were mutually exclusive. While I loved to accomplish goals, living in the present moment didn’t seem too important to me. Trying to finish each objective in my endless to-do list was my main priority. But in the process of living this way, I forgot to enjoy each moment and appreciate where I was in my life. When I finally realized that I didn’t have to choose one way of life over the other, I started enjoying my day-to-day as it’s happening and began working toward reaching the goals I set for a better future. So, how did I make this change in perspective happen?

Over the last few years, I’ve made many big, life-altering changes. I had a child, sold a home, bought and renovated a new home, started my own practice and blog, wrote a book, got pregnant with a second child, lost a dear pet, sold my new home, and moved once again. That might not seem like a lot to some people, but those changes made it challenging for me to remain present and enjoy the journey. I was so eager for my house to be done, for example, that I didn’t enjoy the renovation process. I couldn’t wait to give birth, so I forgot to enjoy my pregnancy. I was so focused on what the next change would be, or how I’d make my book, practice, and blog successful, that I forgot to enjoy the process of building something new.

It’s a wonderful thing to position oneself for success later on, but I was so concentrated on tomorrow that I was letting my todays slip away. My mind was so focused on what was next that I didn’t see the joy right in front of me. And if I didn’t change my mindset, it wouldn’t have mattered how many goals I set and accomplished, because I’d never have taken the time to just sit back and enjoy them. For me, this concept is so important that I put a list together of what you can do to live in the now, while also having future goals in mind.

Concentrate on one thing at a time.

Are you like me, always moving from project to project and never enjoying the moment? I’ve even been guilty of not totally finishing one project before planning the next one in my mind. Realizing this tendency, I’ve decided to focus on one project at a time, even when the thrill dies down. I’ve decided to dedicate myself completely to whatever I’m working on at the moment, keeping my attention on it until it’s complete. I’ve learned to take deep breaths, relax my mind, and release any nervous ideas I get about the future. When we can take it easy and let go of the outcome of any given project, we open the doors for more prosperous things to come into our lives. So take a deep breath, relax, and focus on one task, one moment, at a time.

Remind yourself to stay present.

One of my biggest challenges has always been reminding myself to stay in the moment, attending to one particular task at a time. Thinking of all the future stuff you have to do keeps you from being present. So, focus on what you’re doing in the moment by making a list of what needs to completed for the day, and concentrate only on those specific tasks. Stay in the moment with what you’re doing by centering your concentration on that task. Do things slowly, and break up the work. And remember, there’s no rush. In fact, if you take your time, you’ll get it done faster in the long run. To do this, you have to know how to manage your time. This might mean getting up a little earlier to be able to fully benefit from your efforts. But you’ll find that the reward of being able to live in the present and savor every moment is a gift that’s truly worth it.

Go with the flow.

Take action in pursuing your dreams and goals, but then stop worrying about the future and go with the flow. It’s important to plan and prepare, but the reality is that things don’t always happen the way you want them to. Sometimes things work out even better than you planned. Go with the flow, and make the best of every situation. This doesn’t mean giving up on your goals or dreams; it simply means trusting in the process.

Pick a time to look into the future.

Overthinking about the past and wanting to change it is harmful to your sense of self. When you always look toward your future and want to get there fast, you tarnish the present moment, taking yourself away from what you have now. Like I’ve been saying, this doesn’t mean abandoning your goals and dreams. It means that you don’t think about them all the time, so that you can appreciate where you are today. Be deliberate about taking time to think about your future goals. Set aside 15 to 20 minutes a day to visualizing the person you want to become. Be grateful for all the amazing things in your life, and appreciate what you have now while working toward what you plan to accomplish in the future.

It’s natural to have times during the journey of life when you feel like you’ll never get to the top of the mountain. It’s normal to think positively about yourself when you reach a goal, then get upset when you aren’t there yet. But the truth is, you will get to your destination if you have the dedication and perseverance. And while you’re on the path leading you there, why not enjoy and appreciate it? Take a moment and look around you. There are so many wonderful things to be grateful for in this moment. Never lose sight of your dreams and goals, but always stay present and cherish every moment along the way.

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Dr. Ilene

What You Need to Know About Developing a Sense of Self

“Bullies depend on approval and acceptance as much as chameleons, but bullies push others to agree with them rather than their agreeing with others. Disagreement threatens a bully as much as it threatens a chameleon.”

— The Bowen Center

As most of us know, our families and social groups greatly affect how we think, feel, and act. But we aren’t all affected in the same way. Each of us has a unique susceptibility to either thinking for ourselves in a group setting or succumbing to perceived pressure to conform to others’ ideas. These differences in the way we think in family and group settings reflect differences in our sense of self—or what Bowenian psychotherapists call our level of differentiation of self. The less developed a person’s self, the more impact others have on their functioning and the more they try to control—actively or passively—the way others think and do things.

Our basic level of self is inborn; however, our family relationships during childhood and adolescence primarily determine how much of a sense of self we develop. Once established, our sense of self doesn’t change much, unless we make some real long-term efforts to change it. People with a low level of self depend heavily on the acceptance and approval of others. They quickly adjust to what others think, say, and do to please them. Or, alternatively, they proclaim what others should be like and pressure them to conform. As the Bowen Center explains, “Bullies depend on approval and acceptance as much as chameleons, but bullies push others to agree with them rather than their agreeing with others. Disagreement threatens a bully as much as it threatens a chameleon.” A rebel doesn’t have a strong sense of self, but pretends to by regularly opposing the positions of others.

A person with a strong sense of self recognizes their natural dependence on others but can stay calm and clear-headed in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection. This allows them to think by engaging in a careful assessment of the facts rather than think in ways that are clouded by emotionality. Certain clear principles help guide decision-making about important family and social issues, making a well differentiated person less enslaved by their emotions. For people with a solid sense of self, what they do and what they say matches. Though they may, at times, act selflessly, they can also thoughtfully and rationally consider the best interest of the group without responding or succumbing to pressures to conform. Confident in their thinking, these individuals can support others’ views without being a disciple, or reject those views in a thoughtful and centered way. They can define their ideas without being pushy or giving into others.

The more intense the interdependence is within a group, the less differentiated members of that group will be, and the less capable of adapting to stressful events without increased anxiety. Everyone experiences problems at some point; however, less differentiated people and families are more susceptible to heightened anxiety and, therefore, more likely to experience a disproportionate amount of serious problems.

Real Life Example Borrowed from The Bowen Center

An example from the Bowen Center of a family consisting of Michael, Martha, and Amy reflects how a lack of differentiation of self plays out in a family unit—in this case, a moderately differentiated unit. The description that follows reveals how stress would operate in this family if Michael, Martha, and Amy were more differentiated people.

Michael and Martha were quite happy during the first two years of their marriage. He liked making the major decisions but didn’t assume he knew best. He always told Martha what he was thinking and listened carefully to her ideas. Michael and Martha’s exchanges were usually thoughtful and led to decisions that respected both of their vital interests. Martha had always been attracted to Michael’s sense of responsibility and willingness to make decisions, but she also lived by a principle that she was responsible for thinking things through for herself and telling Michael what she thought. She did not assume Michael usually knew best.

Stress levels in a marriage are often fairly low during the early years, particularly before the births of children and the addition of other responsibilities. For this reason, the less adaptive, moderately differentiated marriage and the more adaptive, well-differentiated marriage can look similar. Stress is necessary to expose the limits of a family’s adaptive capacity.

Martha conceived during the third year of the marriage and had a fairly smooth pregnancy. She had a few physical problems but handled them with equanimity. She was somewhat anxious about being an adequate mother but felt she could manage those fears. When she talked to Michael about her fears, she didn’t expect him to solve them for her, but simply found it to be helpful and clarifying. He listened without being patronizing, and he recognized and acknowledged his own fears about the coming changes in their lives.

The stresses associated with the real and anticipated changes of the pregnancy triggered some anxiety in both Michael and Martha, but their interactions didn’t escalate the anxiety and make it chronic. Martha’s needs and expectations of Michael were somewhat heightened under the circumstances, but she took responsibility for managing her anxiety and had realistic expectations about what he could do for her. Michael didn’t become particularly reactive to Martha’s expectations and recognized that he was anxious too. Each of them remained a resource to the other.

After a fairly smooth labor, Martha gave birth to a baby girl, whom she and Michael named her Amy. Martha weathered the delivery fairly well and was ready to go home by the time she was discharged. The infant care over the next few months was physically exhausting for Martha, but she wasn’t heavily burdened by anxieties about the baby or a sense of inadequacy as a mother. She continued to talk to Michael about her thoughts and feelings and still didn’t feel he was supposed to do something to make her feel better. In spite of increasing work pressures, Michael remained emotionally available to Martha, even if only by phone at times. He worried about work issues but didn’t ruminate about them to Martha. When she asked how it was going, he responded fairly factually and appreciated her interest. He occasionally wished Martha wouldn’t get so anxious about things, but he realized she could manage herself. He wasn’t compelled to fix things for her.

Sure of herself as a person, Martha was able to relate to Amy without feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities, demands, or fears about her well-being. Sure of himself, Michael could meet the real demands of his job without feeling guilty about neglecting Martha. Each spouse recognized the pressure the other was under, and neither made a federal case about being neglected. Both Martha and Michael were sufficiently confident in the other’s loyalty and commitment, and neither of them needed much reassurance about it. By relating comfortably to each other, they kept Amy from becoming part of their marital tensions. She didn’t have a void to fill in either of her parents’ lives due to emotional distance between them.

After a few months, Michael and Martha were able to find time to do some things by themselves. Martha found that her anxieties about being a mother toned down, and she didn’t worry much about Amy. As Amy grew, Martha didn’t perceive her as an insecure child in need of special attention. She was positive about Amy, but didn’t constantly praise her in attempts to reinforce her self-image. Michael and Martha discussed their thoughts and feelings about Amy without becoming preoccupied with her. They were pleased to have her and took pleasure in watching her develop. Amy grew to be a responsible young child. She sensed the limits of what was realistic for her parents to do for her and respected those limits. There were few demands and no tantrums. Michael didn’t feel critical of Amy very often, and Martha didn’t defend Amy to him when he was critical. Martha figured Michael and Amy could manage their relationship. Amy seemed equally comfortable with both of her parents and relished exploring her environment.

Michael and Martha can see Amy as a separate and distinct person. The source of differentiation between Amy and her parents is evident when Amy is a young child. They have adapted quite successfully to the anxieties they each experienced associated with the addition of a child and the increased demands in Michael’s work life. Their high levels of differentiation allow the three of them to be in close contact without much difficulty.

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Dr. Ilene

It’s All About Lifestyle—24 Healthy Habits, Hobbies & Scientific Facts

Have you ever wondered how your daily habits and lifestyle hobbies impact your health?

It’s not only about drinking water or walking (but don’t underestimate these habits either). When you decide to stay fit, you get a lot of benefits.

First of all, your body and immune system get stronger. And this means you can forget about colds and the flu. Another significant advantage of staying fit is better performance of your brain. Your academic performance, thinking capabilities, and stress resistance will improve. And the best part of staying healthy is that you don’t have to put forth significant effort to do so! You can start with simple activities and still see results.

Are you ready to become healthier? Just check out the infographic below!

The first part describes seven simple habits that will positively affect your life. In the second section, you’ll find a couple of exciting hobbies to try out. Just pick up one or two that you like the most and stay fit! And the last part will uncover a few scientific facts proving the positive effects of being healthy.

Source: https://custom-writing.org/#lifestyle

How to Discipline Your Kids Without Drama

“Taking time to reflect opens the door to conscious awareness, which brings with it the possibility of change.”

― Daniel J. Siegel

As my daughter gets older, I find that the tasks and demands of parenting change in many different ways. From keeping her alive by meeting her basic needs, to chasing her around so she doesn’t hurt or kill herself, always on my toes. Later, just trying to make sure she grows up to be a functioning adult. For the most part, my daughter no longer needs constant supervision; but lately, I find myself trying to strike a balance between the loving, caring mom and the no-nonsense disciplinarian. On some occasions, my sweet little angel tests my patience and becomes anything but sweet. When this first started happening, I’d find myself frozen whenever she misbehaved, unsure how to respond. But eventually, I started doing what I do best whenever I’m perplexed: educate myself.

I picked up a book that has not only affirmed some of my own ideas, but also taught me some new ways to parent. It’s the New York Times bestseller, No Drama Discipline, by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. After reading this book, I found that I didn’t have to be a loving and caring mom one minute and a prison guard the next. I found out that you can connect and be loving to your child, even when trying to set boundaries and limits. Since I know not all of us have time to read entire books on parenting, no matter how useful the information might be, I decided to share with you some of the most important aspects of this book—the ones that help me be a better parent.

You Can’t Discipline A Kid Without a Consistent Definition of Discipline

Discipline has to be proactive, not reactive. Most of us discipline on autopilot, reacting with anger in the moment. But discipline isn’t useful if it’s simply a reaction to misbehavior; it needs to come from predetermined principles and a set strategy. In No Drama Parenting, Siegel and Payne Bryson argue persistently against spanking or yelling. When we, as parents, react with anger, we sacrifice the long-term goal of raising a good human for the most short-term goal possible: immediately stopping the behavior by any means necessary. We’re better served by knowing how we want to respond to misbehavior before it happens. Know why you want to respond the way you do, so you can be prepared to give that response when the moment comes.

H.A.L.T.

One of the book’s two key acronyms, H.A.L.T., stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired—the emotions most likely driving the tantrums you’re trying to put a stop to. When my daughter gets overtired, she becomes a hot mess; she’s ultimately inconsolable. I’d rather her not get to that deeply emotional place, so I’ve started looking for the four H.A.L.T. emotions, which tend to manifest themselves subtly before building up to ear-piercing tantrums. If you can identify the signs early, you have a chance of dealing with the issue before the devil comes out and toys get broken.

Using principles of connection can be pretty useful in the moments right before all hell breaks loose. This means communicating comfort; validating (and then validating some more); talking less and listening more; reflecting back what you’ve heard. The first and third principles are straightforward. The second one means you don’t minimize or deny whatever it is that’s causing your kid to act like a crazy person. The fourth one means verbally acknowledging the things you’re validating. “I understand that you’re angry because I wasn’t paying attention to you.”

Another interesting concept is the upstairs versus downstairs brain. Reacting to misbehaviors with immediate consequences and this-then-that sequences over-simplifies things. According to Siegel and Payne Bryson, this engages the kid’s instinctive downstairs brain; alternatively, you can respond by asking questions that engage the rational upstairs brain. Their metaphor reduces the most complex part of your kid’s anatomy to a dollhouse. They advocate for making conversations, not consequences. Instead of immediately reacting to misbehavior—by smacking your kid, for example—start a conversation—”Tell me what happened. How do you think you should have reacted?

The Act of Disciplining Should Be Consistent

Why? What? How? — Skip reactive consequences like time-outs or punishments and instead use those situations as opportunities to engage your child with leading questions that get them to think about what’s going on. Ask your child why they acted the way they did; ask yourself what lessons you want to pull from the moment and how best to teach them. For example, if your 4-year-old is hitting you while you’re talking to your wife or making dinner, ask yourself: Why is your kid hitting you? Because they want attention. What do you want them to learn? That there are better ways to get attention than hitting. How should you teach this? Have your kid practice saying, “Excuse me,” and respond attentively every time.

Before you punish, connect — After your kid misbehaves, they’re in a vulnerable emotional state that could include panic, insecurity, shame, and anger. It’s important that they feel this in the moment, in order to change from reactivity to receptivity. Immediately following an incident of misbehavior, make physical contact with your child. Rather than standing over them and waving a finger, kneel down to their level, and hold their shoulders or rub their back. Physical reassurance disarms children; they can’t learn if they’re flinching.

Spare the rod and … just spare the rod — Spanking is simply a more extreme version of a time-out-style reaction to misbehavior. There’s no scientific evidence that it does anything beyond stopping a single incident of bad behavior, that single time only.

H.A.L.T. fail — H.A.L.T. is a nice sentiment, but sometimes warning signs aren’t too visible before the meltdown happens. Tantrums are incorrectly defined by many parents as a plea for attention. They are more correctly understood as the child’s brain being overwhelmed by stress hormones. In other words, tantrums aren’t a plea for attention so much as a plea for help. Don’t command and demand from your child; that’s only going to stir up drama and fall on deaf ears. Instead, empathize with your child and establish physical contact. Then, ask a question—for example, “Do you see anyone else screaming at the top of their lungs or kicking? Why do you think that is?”

Turn down the “shark music” — “Shark music” is what the authors call the “here we go again” baggage parents bring to situations, when they convince themselves that their kid is about to misbehave. It’s a reflexive focus on the bigger picture as opposed to the current situation. Recognize that not all parenting experiences apply in all situations. Make decisions based on what your kid needs in that moment, and not on assumptions based on what happened last time. Also, stop thinking of your kid as a spoiled, manipulative monster who misbehaves on purpose.

R.E.D.I.R.E.C.T. — This is the book’s acronym to end all acronyms. It contains the authors’ overall strategy in 8 simple concepts: reduce words; embrace emotions; describe, don’t preach, involve your child in the discipline; reframe no into a conditional yes; emphasize the positive; creatively approach the situation; teach “mindsight tools.” While most of that is pretty self-explanatory, “mindsight tools” are specific to Siegel’s ideas about how people develop insight about themselves and empathy for others. When it comes to kids, mindsight is all about helping them understand that they aren’t victims of external forces but rather active players in their own situations. If every adult complaining about work/the government/society/etc. would practice this technique, the whole world would be a much less tantrum-filled place.

All kids are different, of course, and there’s no one size fits all strategy for parenting; but this book offers tips that most parents can utilize. It’s important to note that this way of parenting takes patience and time, and the results probably won’t be immediate. But in the long-term, it will pay off by helping you foster a deeper connection with your child or children as they grow, showing them how to self-regulate by looking within and making better decisions for themselves. As a parent, what can be better than that?

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Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Understanding Anxiety From A Systems Perspective

“Anxiety can be defined as the response of an organism to a threat, real or imagined. It is a process that, in some form, is present in all living things.”

— Murray Bowen

Anxiety is no joke. Some forms of it can feel unmanageable, and others more of just a pain in your side. Anxiety can convince you that there’s a threat when there isn’t one and, if you let it, can stop you from doing things you once enjoyed. There are many different theories on why some people experience clinical anxiety and others don’t. There are also a number of different ideas about how to treat it. I use an approach that includes many variables, taking a look at the entire picture versus just the individual experiencing the anxiety.

First, it’s important to understand that there are two types of anxiety: acute and chronic. That uneasy feeling you get when you drive in bad weather or prepare to give a big presentation is what’s known as acute anxiety. It’s the good kind of anxiety: a natural alarm in your body that lets you know you might be in danger. When the bad weather stops and the presentation is over, the acute anxiety subsides. Acute anxiety usually arises in response to specific causes, while chronic anxiety is primarily created within relationships. According to Michael Kerr and Murray Bowen, “Acute anxiety is fed by fear of what is; chronic anxiety is fed by fear of what might be.” Worrying is almost always about what might be, and depending on how deeply you think into the future, this type of anxiety can feel overwhelming.

Remember, Anxiety Rubs Off on People

A theory of human behavior known as Bowen Family Systems Theory asserts that life stressors are generally less significant than a family’s reaction to those stressors. People tend to have varied reactions to similar circumstances, depending on how they were raised and how people around them respond to those circumstances. Kerr and Bowen describe this idea like this: “Anxiety ‘rubs off’ on people; it is transmitted and absorbed without thinking.” For example, you have a bad day at work because your boss yelled at you. You’re upset because you know you didn’t prepare enough for your work presentation. You come home and head straight to your room, without saying hi to your family. Your husband sees that you’re upset about something but doesn’t know the details. Later, your husband is screaming at your son for coloring on the walls. Your son then begins to scream and cry uncontrollably, which is normal for him to do when he gets yelled at. Now you can feel yourself getting more upset and anxious. Without knowing it, your anxiety has spread from you, to your husband, to your son, and back to you again. Everyone in the family is now feeling anxious, but no one is exactly sure why.

Seeing Anxiety As a Family Problem

There are many implications of a family systems perspective on anxiety, and they differ considerably from an individual perspective:

1. While only one individual may exhibit severe symptoms of anxiety, any person in the family system has the power to influence the symptom—even when the symptom resides in another family member. For example, if your husband stops trying to get your son to listen by yelling at him, your son will stop crying.

2. Focusing on the symptoms of chronic anxiety may alleviate the problem in one person, but unless the chronic anxiety in the family is decreased, the symptom may move to another person. For example, your son might stop crying, but your work might suffer instead if your husband doesn’t deal with his worries about you being upset after work.

3. Symptoms of chronic anxiety can show up as anxiety disorders, but they can also show up as a variety of other symptoms, depending on the physiological, social, or emotional vulnerabilities in the family. Lowering chronic anxiety in a family system is likely to benefit the course of any symptom, illness, or condition. Disease processes consist of many aspects; the family systems perspective offers a way of relating to those aspects over which we have some control.

4. When enough chronic anxiety is present, any family can become symptomatic. In fact, symptoms in an individual may serve to lower the anxiety in the family as a whole, by offering a way of “binding” the anxiety within the symptomatic member: Your son cries way too much and way too loud. That’s the problem in this family. As long as other family members continue to “aim” their anxiety at the symptomatic member, the problem is likely to persist (i.e., “What are we going to do about our son’s inability to stop crying?”). When a motivated family member makes the decision to focus on his or her self, and how that self is contributing to the anxious system, things will improve. The symptomatic person may, of course, be the motivated self.

A Way of Thinking About Anxiety

When dealing with anxiety, causes are never as simple as they may seem. The experience of distress can be pretty complicated, as you can see from the examples I offered above. When viewing anxiety through the lens of Bowen Family Systems Theory, a systemic way of looking at a complex problem, it becomes clear that anxiety isn’t just some defect playing out in one person. From this perspective, it’s helpful to not only look at the individual, but at the whole family system when a problem arises. When you can see your family as a whole and understand your role in it, you’ll have a valuable resource that can help you manage your anxiety overtime.

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Do you know someone that has a tough time saying no? Steer them to my latest book, “When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.” It is available to order here!

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Apologies Are a Sign of Strength

“It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one’s heart rather than out of pity. A person must possess himself and have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in order to genuinely apologize.”

—Stephen Covey

If we’re honest with ourselves, we all make bad decisions or find ourselves in the wrong sometimes. That’s okay; it’s part of being human. But it’s how we own up to our mistakes that makes all the difference. We tend to view apologies as a sign of weakness—as if we are less of a person if we make a mistake. But in fact, owning up to our flaws and mistakes requires a lot of strength and self-awareness. Even if we do muster up the strength to apologize, however, we don’t always get it right.

A genuine apology offered and accepted is a way to stay close and connected to those you care about. It has the power to create forgiveness, acceptance, and increased intimacy between people. However, we don’t tend to apologize all that much. Instead, we tend to get defensive and upset if someone tell us we offended them. Most of us never learned how to apologize or how powerful our apologies can be. You see, apologizing is very different from believing you’re perfect and can do no wrong. A genuine apology requires empathy, security, and the strength to admit your faults and weaknesses. Many of us are so consumed with our subjective experience and our need to be perfect that we can’t concede our own mistakes.

As most of you probably already know, unsaid apologies can strain any relationship and create resentment. How many grudges do you hold that could have been avoided altogether or been reconciled with a genuine apology? Not surprisingly, religious writings, in both Christian and Jewish traditions, are a rich sources on the subject, under such names as absolution, atonement, forgiveness, penance, and repentance. The Talmud, in fact, declares that God created repentance before he created the universe. He wisely knew that humans would make a lot of mistakes and have a lot of apologizing to do along the way.

No doubt, the most common and compelling reason to apologize is when we’ve committed a personal offense. Whether the insult to another person was intentional or unintentional, when we commit a personal offense, we’ve hurt the person’s self-concept. Our self-concept is the idea we hold about ourselves. It’s our thoughts and feelings about who we are, who we would like to be, and how we would like to be perceived by others. Whether the insult happens in a professional, family, or social setting, its depth is determined by the meaning the event carries for the offended person, the relationship between the offender and the offended, and the degree to which the offended takes things personally. When an insult has occurred unintentionally and an apology is in order, here are four basic motives for apologizing:

• To salvage or restore the relationship. Whether you’ve hurt someone you love, like, or just plain need as an ally in your family, an apology may bring a troubled relationship to life.

• To convey empathy. You regret that you’ve hurt someone you care about, and you apologize to diminish or end that hurt.

• To escape punishment. This is the case of the criminal who apologizes to his victim in exchange for a lesser plea.

• To relieve oneself of a guilty conscious. You feel so upset about what happened, even though it may not have bothered the other person that much, that you end up apologizing for it. The underlying motivation here is to maintain some self-respect and keep your self-concept intact.

Whatever the motive, when you admit to your wrongdoing and acknowledge your shame, you give the offended person the power to forgive. That exchange is at the heart of the healing process. The most common cause of a failed apology, or an apology never given, is the offender’s pride. To apologize, you have to acknowledge that you made a mistake. You must admit that you failed to live up to all of your values, thoughtfulness, fairness, and honesty. This is an admission that your own self-concept, your idea about yourself, is not perfect. To honestly admit what you did and show empathy creates shame within and shows your vulnerabilities.

The largest stumbling block to apologizing is our belief that doing so is a sign of weakness and an admission of guilt. Many of us have the misguided notion that we are better off ignoring or denying it and becoming defensive instead of just saying we’re sorry. The truth is, an apology is a show of strength. It’s an act of true honesty, being that we admit we did something wrong. It’s an act of generosity, because it restores the self-concept of those we offended. It offers hope for a renewed relationship, and strengthens our connection with the people we hurt. To apologize is an act of love, because it allows us to work on our relationships and our personal development. It’s an act of true courage, as it subjects us to the emotional distress of shame and the risk of humiliation, rejection, and retaliation at the hands of the person we offended. All dimensions of the apology require strength of character, including the conviction that while we expose vulnerable parts of ourselves, we are still good people.

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Do you know someone that has a tough time saying no? Steer them to my latest book, “When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.” It is available to order here!

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

6 Ways to Maintain Your Integrity When Dealing with Difficult People

“Show respect even to people who don’t deserve it; not as a reflection of their character, but as a reflection of yours.”

Dave Willis

Sometimes it can seem like there are difficult people everywhere—especially in your own family. When dealing with difficult or stubborn people, it’s easy to feel powerless, not knowing how to handle yourself around them. It might seem easier to just avoid talking to them or try cutting them out of your life completely, especially if being around them creates anxiety in you. However, as you may know by now, it’s not that easy. Many times, we come into contact with people in situations we don’t have control over, like when dealing with co-workers, family members, classmates, etc.

If you think about it, family members are often the hardest to deal with, because they’re connected to us in a different way than anyone else. With difficult colleagues, neighbors, or friends, you may have to deal with them for a shorter period of time; it might be easier to take things less personally or remove yourself from the situation. With family, however, it’s common to feel pressured to connect or get along. Your relationships with individual family members affect other family members and your family system as a whole. So when you don’t like being around a certain difficult family member, it inevitably puts stress not only on you, but on other family relationships as well.

So what do you do when you have to interact with people who seem impossible to get along with? People you prefer not to interact with, but are kind of pushed to deal with because they’re family?

1. Accept them as they are.

You might be thinking, “What??! How do I accept this rude and annoying person as they are?” Listen, I understand how tempting it is to try to help someone you want to like. It makes sense to want to change them so that you can feel better around them. However, our efforts to change other people often go unappreciated and unrewarded. Trying to fix someone or make their life better may become a burden, because the more you do for them, the more they end up wanting from you. If you accept them as they are, you’ll save yourself wasted time and energy fighting a battle that isn’t yours. Unless they ask you, and you see real change taking place, you can bet on the fact that their behavior is what it always will be. It’s important for you, not them, to accept things as they are.

2. Stay in the moment.

Okay, so this person makes your blood boil. You can feel it physically before you even pick up the phone. This person is always followed by drama, and nothing is ever their fault. Try to prevent getting pulled into the theatrics; or you’ll end up getting just as worked up as they are. You won’t get anywhere with someone who never sees how they contribute to their own issues. Stay true to yourself, grounded in your own integrity, while understanding that they have the right to their opinions, too. Be objective and present. Stay focused on responding instead of reacting. If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, know your limits and end the conversation.

3. Allow people to speak, even if you don’t agree.

Allow your opinionated cousins to speak their mind. Get curious about why they believe what they do. Why do they feel so justified in their anger or victimhood? The idea is to practice managing yourself around these people by remaining as neutral as possible. Just hearing them out—instead of trying to ignore them or argue back—may be enough to allow them to feel like they’re truly being heard. Become an objective reporter. Showing respect for another’s differences is one of the most mature things you can do. Plus, you can learn how to engage with people even if you don’t agree with them—and that’s real freedom.

4. Pay attention to topics that trigger you.

Listen, we all have topics we’re passionate about, and it can be hard to hear someone speak about something they know nothing about. Know your trigger topics, and become aware of yourself when something brings them up in conversation. I personally get especially triggered when people who aren’t mental health professionals go around labeling and diagnosing people. You’ll be surprised how many people think they know more about human behavior than I do, just because they read an article online. When confronted with this topic, I become triggered almost instantly. But knowing this, I can prepare myself to either address the issue directly, without getting angry, or change the subject if I can’t manage my stress level.

5. Know that it’s more about them than it is about you.

It can be hard not to take things personally, especially when you feel attacked or misunderstood. However, if someone is being confrontational, it’s usually in reaction to their own issues, biases, or triggers. Some people have a tough time seeing others’ points of view; they have a need to always be right and can seem arrogant at times. It’s important for you to know that those behaviors usually stem from their own insecurities. You aren’t responsible for how others interpret your actions; you’re only responsible for how you treat people.

6. Put yourself first.

While you want to be mindful of others as much as you can, you don’t want to lose yourself just to make someone else happy or satisfied. You especially don’t want to ignore your needs to keep the peace. When it gets to the point that you always have to put others first, your own wellbeing starts to suffer. Think about your boundaries, and be firm with the territory between you and difficult people. If anyone violates your space, continue to express your boundaries, even if they get upset with you about it.

I understand how hard it is to be around people who seem to be very difficult. You might not like yourself when you’re around them. You might find yourself feeling snappy, on edge, and annoyed. That’s not a comfortable place to be. As much as possible, surround yourself with people you get along with—people who care about you and make time together a peaceful experience. Then, whenever you find yourself in those challenging moments with difficult people, remember that you’re only responsible for your maintaining your integrity and managing yourself. Accept those people as the beautifully difficult individuals they are, and understand that they might be fighting their own battles.

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

Do you know someone that has a tough time saying no? Steer them to my latest book, “When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.” It is available to order here!

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Awarded Top 40 Family Therapy Blogs

This is the best Family Therapy blogs from thousands of top Family Therapy blogs in Feedspot’s index using search and social metrics. They carefully selected their websites because they are actively working to educate, inspire, and empower their readers with frequent updates and high-quality information.

I high ranked based on following criteria:

• Google reputation and Google search ranking

• Influence and popularity on Facebook, twitter and other social media sites

• Quality and consistency of posts.

• Feedspot’s editorial team and expert review

I thank all of you for your support! It is truly humbling to be recognized for my hard work. You can read more here:

https://blog.feedspot.com/family_therapy_blogs/

Warm regards,

Doctor Ilene

Why Unrealistic Expectation Are Resentments Waiting to Happen

“Expectation feeds frustration. It is an unhealthy attachment to people, things, and outcomes we wish we could control; but don’t.”

— Dr. Steve Maraboli

We all have a tendency to believe that expecting something to happen will automatically cause it to. We rest our hopes and dreams on the fulfillment of these firmly held expectations. And in reality, there isn’t anything wrong with this—especially when we have good reason to believe that having our expectation fulfilled will result in our happiness. Many of us learned from past experiences that doing certain things will make us happy. For instance, I know from experience that making my morning latte usually brings me happiness and a boost of energy, so it’s reasonable for me to expect this experience every morning when I wake up.

The problem with expectations shows up when we expect something to happen without any good reason or evidence for it. If I believe that my expectations alone will bring me what I desire, I create an unreasonable expectation that sets me up for disappointment. For example, I can’t make a latte by just thinking it into existence; I have to take the necessary steps to make it happen. I have to put the espresso, water, and milk in the machine and push the button. Just expecting my latte to show up the minute I wake up will only let me down.

That example is pretty easy to understand, but the concept gets a bit confusing when it comes to dealing with people. Most of us can understand that expecting a latte to materialize from our thoughts the minute we wake up is unrealistic. Yet many of us have at some point mistakenly believed that expecting other people to behave the way we want them to will actually make it happen. For example, you may expect your partner to be the one to make your latte in the morning, which is totally fine and nice if your partner’s on board to do it. But what happens if your partner has no interest in living up to that expectation? You might feel shocked, upset, and resentful. In cases like these, expectations become premeditated resentments.

It should be easy to think of times from your own life when you’ve felt resentful toward someone who didn’t live up to your expectations. I know it is for me. Needing life to always turn out the way you want it to is guaranteed to disappointment you, because life doesn’t work this way. Your parents, spouse and children won’t always meet your expectations, and that’s okay, if you let it be. Instead of allowing your expectations to lead to disappointment and resentment, it better serves you to keep your ideas about how things should be in check.

Think about it: Why is it that we don’t get upset when a latte doesn’t make itself, but we get upset if our spouse doesn’t make it for us? Where do we get the idea that expecting others to behave the way we want them to will make them behave that way? What entitles us to get angry at other people when they don’t meet our expectations?

Without verbalizing expectations about the give-and-take in a relationship, people construct stories in their heads, coming up with what they believe to be legitimate expectations of each other. In this way, people in a relationship have a deal, even when they don’t discuss the details of it. It’s hard for people to live up to our expectations when they don’t know what they are. However, we still feel wronged when our needs aren’t met. For example, I hear a lot about how my clients listen to their friends and families’ problems for years, even when they didn’t want to, because they expected they’d one day get the same in return. When that doesn’t happen, they feel upset and wronged. I’ve felt the same way many times. It’s easy to believe that if you’re there for people, they should be there for you too.

However, unspoken expectations are almost guaranteed to go unfulfilled. Talking openly about what you expect from other people might improve your chances of fulfillment. And by learning to not expect people to know what you need from them, you’ll be much clearer when communicating your needs. Instead of hoping others will read your body language, try telling them why you’re upset or disappointed.

At the same time, thinking that merely communicating your expectations clearly is going to get people to behave the way you want them to might also leave you feeling let down. My biggest challenge when it comes to expectations is questioning what to do when my children don’t follow the rules I’ve designed to help keep them safe, healthy, and respectful. I know that yelling and getting angry isn’t the answer, so I always consider other ways to address my expectations of them.

What I’ve learned is that if we expect other people to act in ways that aren’t consistent with their own interests, they’ll probably resist those expectations, leaving us feeling resentful. Furthermore, they’ll probably end up resenting us, too. Think about it: How do you feel when people expect you to do things that don’t align with your own goals and values?

When thinking about your expectations of others, consider whether you’ve fully communicated them. If you have, make sure those expectations meet the interests of your partner, friend, or family member. When you let go of the expectation that everyone needs to fall in line with what you want so that you can feel good, you get to experience contentment even when things don’t turn out the way you’d hoped.

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

Do you know someone that has a tough time saying no? Steer them to my latest book, “When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.” It is available to order here!

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

What to do When You Feel Like You Are Being Unfairly Criticized

“Don’t mind criticism. If it is untrue, disregard it. If it is unfair, keep from irritation. If it is ignorant, smile. If it is justified learn from it.”

-Unknown

Do you ever feel like other people look at your life through a magnifying glass, scrutinizing almost everything you do? That’s probably because some people—maybe family, friends, or coworkers—are looking for your flaws and weaknesses in order to tell you how they prefer you live. I get it. I know some people like that, and sometimes I wonder if they’re in my life simply to remind me of the things I still have to work on. Other times I think maybe they focus on other people’s lives so they won’t have to look at their own. It’s more likely that the people trying to find fault with your life have probably done a pretty good job at screwing up their own. And now they want to concentrate on your flaws so they don’t have to deal with their own messes. Maybe if they bring you down to their level, they can feel better. They can blame the world for being a bad place instead of taking a closer look at their own mistakes.

But what if there’s another possibility? What if these people are somewhat justified in their criticisms? What if they were brought into your life to help you grow? Maybe someone placing a magnifying glass on your life isn’t fair—and more than likely, your issues are none of their business—but what if they’re just a reminder of what still needs changing in your life? Maybe this experience of criticism is just a lesson in how to deal with the critics in your life. Or maybe not.

It’s never fair for someone to impose their opinion on you when you haven’t asked for it, so it’s important for you to be clear about what purpose your critics are serving. If you’re using drugs and your family is bugging you to stop, that might be something you need to change. But if you know some of the things your critics are ranting about don’t reflect reality, that’s a clue that their criticism is about them, not you. Whether there’s some truth in what they say or none at all, it isn’t fun to be criticized and picked apart. So how do you respond to people who only see your faults, exaggerate the truth, and root for you to fail?

On Your Own Time

You deserve to be able to fight your own battles and work on your personal changes on your own time, without pressure to do things on other people’s timelines or according to their opinions. When someone unfairly criticizes you, it might be helpful to reflect on what they’re saying. It could be useful to consider which of your imperfections you’re okay with and which ones you’d like to change; if you do this, you won’t be so sensitive when another person points them out. The first step to take when you feel criticized is to get clear about who you are, what you’re okay with, and what you’re still working on.

This allows you to explore how comfortable you are letting others give you input about your life—even if it’s negative—without it making you feel like you need to change or defend yourself.

When Someone Just Won’t Stop Being Critical

Sometimes you put boundaries in place with people in your life and repeatedly ask them to be more respectful of your choices, but they still continue to be critical. Maybe you know what you need to work on, but that person just won’t let it go; they remind you every chance they get. For example, one of my previous clients, Alan, came to see me soon after getting a divorce. He explained that he and his wife had grown apart, and she had left him for another man. Alan’s mother never liked his wife and constantly complained about her. Once the divorce was finalized, all he ever heard from his mother was, “I told you so. If only you’d listened to me, none of this would have ever happened.” Although Alan’s marriage did end up in divorce, he didn’t regret any of his decisions. He admitted to me that while some of his mother’s points were valid, and he should have worked on some things earlier in the marriage, her constantly criticizing and rooting for his marriage to fail didn’t help either. She was one of the wedges that drove him and his wife apart, and after the divorce, she continued to get in the way of his decision-making, criticizing his every move. According to Alan, “She’s trying to help in her own way, but it’s just too much. I get it; my marriage didn’t work. But it’s like she’s so happy she was right about it that now she uses it every chance she gets. I can’t even sit through a dinner with her. Last time I got so angry I stormed out of her house.”

Constantly being unfairly criticized, like Alan was, can make anyone angry. The key to receiving criticism is to not allow it to diminish your self-confidence. In Alan’s case, his mother’s criticism was unfair and unhelpful—unfair because it was constant and offensive; incorrect because it was inaccurate. If you continue to get angry when you’re criticized or feel like someone is rooting for you to fail, first clarify in your own mind that you, your decisions, and actions are undeserving of the criticism you received. Then, follow these tips.

1. Respond, don’t react.

Your immediate response is probably going to be anger; but if you’ve worked on being confident in yourself and your decisions, you’ll have an easier time overcoming your desire to get angry and act out.

2. Create an internal calm.

Try to remain calm and centered, whether the metaphorical slap in the face comes from family, friends, or someone at work. Any criticism can fuel anger, because it brings up feelings of inadequacy. So, by all means, let yourself get angry about it. But most of the time, expressing that anger will only make matters worse and give your critic the high ground. No doubt it will prevent him or her from listening to you. So, when the harsh words come, take a minute to breathe and get grounded. Then, before responding, channel your logical brain and access the calm place within.

3. Recap the words back to your critic.

Never pressure yourself to have the perfect response to a critic; nothing ever comes out as perfectly as you’d like it to. So instead, repeat your critic’s complaint back to him or her, making sure you clearly understood it. You can start by saying, “I want to be sure I heard you correctly,” and then repeat the person’s words how you heard them. The objective is to focus on the words themselves, not the emotions they provoke. An aggressive person might be hoping to anger you and cause you to react. Or he or she might want you to accept the criticism in order to empower themselves. Instead, you are taking the focus off of your reaction and putting it back onto the factual words of the criticisms – without accepting them.

4. Open up the discussion.

Not being overly emotional might surprise your critics, allowing them to think more deeply about their words. If this happens, a real discussion can take place. It’s helpful to use language that shows your perspective. For example, “I can see how you might get that idea but allow me to tell you my thoughts.” This shows that you’re open to talking about it and seeing their perspective, which will disarm them and open them up to listening to you. If you get defensive or disregard their statements, you’re less likely to be heard.

Final Thoughts

It’s natural to react strongly to unjust criticism, and sometimes there’s no avoiding it. But if you’re constantly getting angry and nothing is changing, give this approach a try. My client Alan started to manage his anger about his mother’s comments by remaining calm, getting his mom to repeat the comments, and then clarifying that he understood what she’d said. He found out that his mom really just wanted to be heard. Once she felt that he’d actually listened to her, she backed off and started to be receptive to his perspective. This may not work every time, because some people are simply toxic and live to point out others’ flaws. So, if you’ve attempted this and it isn’t working, it’s up to you to decide if that person is worth keeping around. Perhaps you’ll chose to keep him or her at a distance or decide not to take his or her words to heart. Whatever you choose, just remember that when people use hurtful words, they’re always revealing much more about themselves than they are about you.

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

Do you know someone that has a tough time saying no? Steer them to my latest book, “When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.” It is available to order here !

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene