Ilene S. Cohen's Blog, page 13

If It Isn’t Yours, Don’t Take It

You know that person at the office who’s always sick with whatever bug is going around and chooses to go to work anyway? No matter how hard you try to avoid making contact, you somehow always end up catching whatever he or she’s got. It’s unnerving, uncomfortable, and seemingly unavoidable. Unpleasant though it may be, it’s the nature of office culture and contagious illness: if someone catches something, everyone else is likely to catch it also.

But the common cold isn’t the only thing that gets spread this way. Emotions, moods, and attitudes are just as contagious. Whether it’s a negative person in the workplace or a family member who’s perpetually on edge, there’s always going to be someone whose energy can contaminate you—that is, until you learn to immunize yourself from it.

Years ago, one of my mentors shared something with me that forever changed the way I conduct therapy and relate to other people in my life. We were having a discussion about one of my clients and the particularly challenging family issue she was working through in our sessions together. Week after week, this client arrived to our sessions distraught, anxious, and desperate for things to be different. The 60 minutes we’d spend together every week—during which she’d spend most of the time complaining, and I’d spend most of the time shrinking into my chair—felt like torture for me; by the time each session ended, I’d be worked up and bent out of shape. Noticing this, my mentor said the following to me: “If you absorb the emotional energy she’s emitting, you’ll be in no position to support her. You have to keep your emotional and energetic space clear if you’re going to have a shot at helping her clear hers.” “That makes sense,” I told him. But how do I do that?” “It’s simple,” he answered. “Whenever you’re in her presence—or in the presence of anyone whose emotions are affecting you—ask yourself this question: Whose emotion is this?” Time stopped the moment I heard those words. The question struck me as so powerful, so profound in its simplicity, that I had to pause for a moment and center myself. What this question has yielded for me and the clients I’ve shared it with over the years has made all the difference in the world.

You see, human beings are wired for connection, and certain cells in our brains—known as mirror neurons—cause us to automatically react to other people’s emotions. It’s the reason we instinctively cringe when we see someone get injured; it’s why we cry when the protagonist in a film experiences something painful. We can’t help but be affected by each other; we’re contagious in this way. So it can sometimes be difficult to distinguish other people’s emotions from our own. But, thankfully, we have the ability to choose how much we want to be affected by the emotions we come in contact with in the course of our relationships with others. The more skillfully we can do this, the less susceptible we are to getting weighed down by other people’s emotional baggage.

Here are some tips for developing that skill:

1. Practice mindfulness. The more grounded and centered you are in your own experience, the easier it will be for you to distinguish your emotions from those of other people. Practice checking in with yourself on a regular basis, noticing what you’re thinking, feeling, observing, and experiencing in the moment. The more familiar you get with what’s going on inside you, the more quickly you’ll notice when you’ve absorbed someone else’s stuff.

2. Set clear boundaries. It’s possible to have empathy for people without burdening yourself with their emotions. This requires setting firm boundaries and maintaining a clear sense of where others end and you begin. Sometimes, of course, that’s much easier said than done. No doubt, some people will challenge your ability to keep your emotional space clear, but it’s your responsibility to keep the boundaries in place. If you notice yourself getting worked up on a phone call with a perpetually pissed off relative, it’s okay to lovingly end the call. If the coworker you have lunch with always spends the time complaining, and you find yourself returning to the office in a bad mood, it’s okay to tell her you won’t be joining her for a few days. Caring about others and being supportive doesn’t require you to take on their emotions. The clearer your boundaries are, the clearer that distinction will be.

3. Practice the catch and release method. Sometimes it’s impossible to avoid catching emotions that didn’t originate from you. But the quicker you notice that it’s happened, the quicker you can do something about it. Whenever you see that you’ve been affected by another person’s energy/mood/vibe, inhale deeply, say to yourself, “I’ve picked up something that doesn’t belong to me,” and on the exhale, focus your attention on releasing it. The more regularly you do this, the better you’ll become at it. Before you know it, you’ll be letting other people’s emotional energy pass right through you without it getting stuck, and you’ll be in a much better position to stay in connection with them without being negatively affected.

4. Make your emotional health a priority. When you commit to being emotionally well, you build your immunity from other people’s emotional junk. So make your wellbeing a priority. Take care of yourself, manage your stress level, keep company with people who make you feel good. The healthier you are, emotionally speaking, the less likely you’ll be to absorb other people’s emotions.

Vitamin C, rest, physical exercise, and a healthy diet will help you maintain your body’s immune system. To keep your emotional immune system healthy, mindfulness, self-care, and clear boundaries will do the trick. The next time you notice yourself picking up someone else’s emotional baggage, ask yourself “Whose emotion is this?” If the answer isn’t “Mine,” gently set it down. Because if it isn’t yours, why would you take it?

Dr. Denise Fournier is a psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, coach, and consultant. She owns and operates Evergreen Therapy in Miami, Florida and is an adjunct professor for Nova Southeastern University. Visit her at www.evergreen-therapy.com to learn more about her work and read her blog.

Getting Past Blaming Our Parents (Because It Isn’t All Their Fault)

“Gaining more knowledge of one’s distant families of origin can help one become aware that there are no angles and devils in a family: they were human beings, each with their own strengths and weaknesses, each reacting predictably to the emotional issue of the moment, and each doing the best they could with their own life course.”

–Murray Bowen

If you’ve ever tried to understand the issues you’re currently facing in your life, you might have gone down the road of thinking about how they were influenced by your early life experiences. This might have led you to blame your current hardships on your parents. When you think in simple, cause-and-effect terms, it’s easy to blame your parents for just about everything. I mean, they were the ones who raised you, after all, and they might have done some pretty irresponsible things. If you’ve ever had thoughts like, “I’m needy for love because my parents never showed me affection,” “I don’t know how to pay my bills because my parents were always bad at managing their money,” or “I have a fear of commitment because my parents’ marriage didn’t work out,” you’re certainly not alone.

It makes sense to consider how our parents contributed to the issues we face as adults. However, before we place all the blame on them, it’s important to consider the position they held in their own families of origin. In other words, it’s important to ask, how did their parents shape their paths and lead them to become the people they are? What challenges did they and the generations before them face? Your parents were kids once too, and throughout their lives they’ve faced issues similar to the ones you face in your life. When you think about your parents in this way, it might invite you to look at the bigger picture, seeing them as humans¬¬—not as perfect beings with perfect upbringings who decided to mess you up a little bit.

I’m going to say something that might be difficult to understand, but I hope you’ll follow me: Most of your parents’ reactions to you have come from unconscious efforts to relieve their own anxiety, not from evil attempts to screw up your childhood and adulthood. Your parents inherited patterns of relating to their loved ones, just as you did. You might be thinking, “Okay, but even if that’s true, it doesn’t make it any better. Will understanding this make the things they did to hurt me go away?” Honestly, probably not. And I say that with compassion, because I know it’s got to be hard to read if you had a particularly difficult upbringing and you’ve held on to the belief that your life’s problems have resulted from how your parents mistreated you. I get it. I felt the same way when I first started learning about these ideas. This whole notion of absolving your parents of blame may make your skin crawl. However, if you open your mind to it, you’ll be able to see that there are certain patterns in your family system which can show where it all got kinda screwed up. This will help you really see what you’re up against and what changes need to be made so that your children won’t yell at you for fucking them up 20 years from now.

Seeing that your current issues go far beyond the mistakes of your parents, their parents, and the parents before them allows you to understand what’s going on with in a way that won’t have you blaming anyone. Knowing that it’s up to you to look at the ways your family has done things for generations can help you make important changes and heal your inner child. It can lead you to address the things you can change within yourself, instead of blaming other people for all of it. At some point, we must grow up and mature. We do this when we realize that our parents are flawed and so are we. Once we accept that, we can start to face and resolve our problems—many of which are similar to the problems our parents have. When you’re willing to look, it’s almost impossible to avoid seeing a connection between your parents’ behavior growing up and your own behavior as an adult. It’s all just too patterned and predictable to be ignored.

Looking Back to Move Forward

Our mothers and fathers grew up with a certain level of tolerance for upset, anxiety, disharmony, emotional connectedness, and demands from others. This all played out in their close relationships and was evidenced by their degree of reactivity to their children. Just like us, our parent’s, were unable to choose the cards they were dealt; they were subject to inherit the stuff of previous generations. The ability to deal with life circumstances, which is one of those things that gets inherited, can be referred to as emotional maturity or, as psychiatrist and researcher Dr. Murray Bowen calls it, differentiation of self.

Through extensive empirical research, Dr. Bowen noticed patterns within families regarding the way individuals manage anxiety. This, he found, is similar to the instinctive ways in which other species deal with threats in or to their packs. Bowen’s theory doesn’t focus on mental illness within individuals, but rather on the universal challenges we all face in relationships. As Jenny Brown, MSW puts it in her book Growing Yourself Up: How to Bring Your Best to All Life’s Relationships, “These ideas invite us to see the world through the lens of each family member rather than just from our own subjective experience; they don’t allow room for simply seeing victims and villains in our relationship networks.” This process takes people beyond blaming their parents to see the relationship forces at work that set them on their personal paths. Ask yourself, “Can I identify some of the patterns of relating to people that I developed in my family, which have contributed to my current issues?” When you ask yourself this question, think through the facts of your family relationship story; this can help you piece together some useful insights.

Simplifying Influence of Family Patterns

In order to simplify this process, allow me to show you a few examples of what I’m talking about. These are examples borrowed from Jenny Brown’s book, which I mentioned earlier. The examples are designed to show the influence of various patterns that may develop between parents and children. If you were the child your parents worried most about, you got accustomed to the emotional pattern of having them jump in to smooth out your difficulties. As a result, you probably instinctively expect and invite others to solve your problems. If one or both of your parents’ anxieties were projected onto you, it’s likely that you got used to exaggerated criticism and correction. You might be prone to similar negative overreactions. If one or both of your parents reduced their tension by giving in to your demands, you may find it difficult to let go of always feeling entitled. If one or both of your parents confided in or leaned on you when things were tough or distant in their marriage, you’re likely to have an easy time giving advice but a tough time accepting it. If you were pushed to center stage by parents who got a sense of security and esteem from applauding your achievements in an exaggerated way, you likely can’t tolerate not being important. Do any of these patterns ring true for you? They certainly hit home for me.

Final Thoughts

It’s not necessarily the case that our parents’ ways of being have caused us to have limitations. Instead, it makes sense to say that our natural responses have been influenced by our parents, and they were also influenced by family patterns that span back several generations and will continue into future generations. Everyone’s path to emotional maturity is different. Knowing that we all have ways we react to the people we love based on what we’ve inherited is an important first step in breaking that pattern. We must become more aware of the automatic responses that relieve our stress. Because although they are instincts we’ve inherited to make ourselves feel better in the moment, they are not the responses that will make meaningful changes in ourselves and our relationships. Remind yourself of who you want to be in your moments of stress, and try to respond in a more logical manner, rather than in the ways that would be predicted based on the patterns in your family of origin.

Growing up means letting go of the idea that your parents are the cause of your problems. It means realizing that, irrespective of where they came from, your problems are your own, and you are responsible for yourself. Even though we can’t control our family history, we can always control what we do moving forward, and this will impact not only your life, but future generations in your family also.

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Have a tough time putting yourself first? Still not sure how to take action to live the life you always dreamed of? Check out my latest book, “When It’s Never About You.” – http://amzn.to/2macaur

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Dr. Ilene

Overcoming Feeling Like an Impostor

“I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.'”

– Maya Angelou

Do you ever worry about being “found out”? I’m not talking about being a criminal like having a Ponzi scheme, pulling a Madoff, and being afraid of being arrested. I’m talking about feeling like an imposter when you really aren’t one. Do you get the feeling that you aren’t good enough or are a fake? At some point in your life—whether personally or professionally—it’s natural to feel that way. Having thoughts like, “I’m a fraud and everyone’s going to find out that I don’t know what I’m talking about,” is common, even among some of the most successful people. Believe it or not, it’s typical to question your own worth and qualifications; however, if it bothers you on a daily basis, it’s important to try to find ways to move through it and build confidence in yourself.

It’s helpful to remember that we all make mistakes. Sometimes we know what we’re talking about, and other times we don’t. This all feeds into feeling like an imposter, especially when we don’t have the “right” answers all the time. I’m in disarray at times, and feel like a complete mess when I don’t know the next steps to take in a given situation. I’m sure you’ve had this experience, too. However, it’s possible to feel like a mess and also be intelligent and worthy at the same time. No matter how lost or insecure you might feel at times, it’s important for you to remember that you’re also smart, strong, and worthy of love—even when there are parts of you that you aren’t so proud of. I used to hide those parts of me, out of fear that people wouldn’t accept me because of them. But the truth was, it was me who was failing to accept my flaws. That shame can turn into self-hatred and a fear that hinders you from being your best self, capable of accomplishing great things in this life. Trying to project a perfect persona to the world can make you feel like a fraud. When you know the imperfections hiding behind the mask, you walk around feeling like you’re lying to the world.

You probably fear that people may be critical of your flaws, but others can only love you in direct proportion to what you’re willing to show. Not your masks. Not who you think that you should be. You want someone who loves all of you, flaws included, and that person should be you, too. Because if you hide, you’ll always feel unworthy of love and continue suffering from imposter syndrome.

When you let go and accept that you’re an imperfect person who occasionally experiences moments of insecurity, you’ll begin to feel free. Comedian, actress, and screenwriter Tina Fey has publicly shared her imperfections and insecurities. She’s quoted as saying, “The beauty of the impostor syndrome is you vacillate between extreme egomania and a complete feeling of: ‘I’m a fraud! Oh God, they’re on to me! I’m a fraud!’ So you just try to ride the egomania when it comes and enjoy it, and then slide through the idea of fraud.”

Ways to Overcome Impostor Syndrome

• I sometimes feel like a fraud when I make things a bigger deal than they actually are. Letting go of the idea that you have to be perfect at everything you do helps you say goodbye to some of your excess self-importance. That, in turn, will help you feel like less of a fraud.

• I have a hard time in accepting my role in the things I’ve accomplished. When you aren’t able to accept the part you’ve played in your achievements, it’s easy to feel like a fraud. I was given many opportunities that others weren’t, and I sometimes believe that’s the only reason I’ve accomplished some of the things I have. We all have certain advantages over others, and that can cause us to feel that anything we achieved after that opportunity was undeserved. But you do deserve it. Everyone receives help, one way or another. Always remember that you’re the one who took it to the next level. Plenty of people had similar opportunities but did nothing with them. You deserve to acknowledge and appreciate your successes.

• Give yourself value, and know your worth. You may think, “I don’t know as much as that other person, or someone else will do it better than me.” But you have to know that isn’t true. You have priceless value and unique gifts and that no one else can offer. You, just as much as anyone else, can do it.

• Stop comparing yourself to others. When I compare myself to other people who may appear to have more or know more than me, it’s easy to feel bad about my own life. Your life is never going to seem like the “best” life if you always compare yourself to other people who may have accomplished more or acquired more than you have. But remember, you’re here to live your life, not someone else’s. It’s easy to get sucked into social media and see other people living what appear to be glamorous lives. However, you have to learn to respect your own experience. Just because other people are living a certain way doesn’t give your life less value. The truth is someone else is likely looking at your life wishing they had what you do.

• Being imperfect and not always having the right answers doesn’t make you an imposter. Everyone makes mistakes, and many people are wrong most of the time! Don’t elevate failure, and don’t let it make you feel like you’re unworthy. In my field, we’re often put in the position of being the “expert.” When this happens, people look at you like you should know everything about a certain topic. But that’s simply impossible. Nobody can know everything about everything. I just say what I can and share my limitations honestly. People respect this. It shows that I’m honest enough to tell the truth. Be willing to admit when you don’t have the answer, then make good on a promise to find out the information.

We can spend hours and hours dwelling on the negative and fearful things in our lives. We worry about what could go wrong instead of focusing and paying attention to the rational, the positive, and the good. We should train ourselves to focus on thoughts that will move us forward in the right direction so we can stop feeling like imposters and accept that we’re all just normal people doing the best we can.

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Have a tough time putting yourself first? Still not sure how to take action to live the life you always dreamed of? Check out my latest book, “When It’s Never About You.” – http://amzn.to/2macaur

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

How to Stop Overreacting to the Small Stuff

“It is not our stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.”

– Dr. Hans Selye

All of us—on occasion, at least—overreact to the small stuff, often without even realizing it. If you find yourself getting overly angry, upset, or defensive over little things, take comfort in knowing that there are actions you can take to more effectively manage your emotions. Listen, it’s totally okay to feel your emotions and want to explode sometimes; but that way of dealing with situations doesn’t tend to feel so great. Allowing ourselves to acknowledge annoying predicaments and then find constructive ways to express and deal with them serves us much better in the long run. If something truly upsetting happens, it’s perfectly reasonable to get upset. However, it isn’t necessarily good for us to sweat all the small stuff and hype ourselves into overreaction every time we get upset.

Real issues start to arise when we react much more than necessary under the circumstances. For example, someone cutting you off in traffic isn’t a reason to scream, stick your middle finger out the window, and yell at the person in your passenger seat. We’ve all been there, of course, but the reality is, it isn’t very helpful. It only serves to put us at risk of creating a bigger issue or accident. Overreactions never make situations better; in fact, they usually make them worse. Stress in our lives can create the conditions for us to overreact. But even though doing so might release tension in the moment, it doesn’t solve the true source of the stress. All it does is paradoxically create more stress and anxiety. So, when you find yourself sweating the small stuff, it might be a sign that there are other, deeper problems you aren’t dealing with, making you liable to blow a gasket at any moment.

Many people who overreact tend to overthink situations that don’t go their way, leaving them incapable of thinking about anything else. Overreacting can affect their happiness to the point that it gets in the way of the things they really want to do. Entertaining thoughts like, “Why do I have such bad luck?” or “This always happens to me” only creates more stress and anxiety in their lives.

Know Your Triggers

All of us have triggers that can lead us to overreact at times. If we know what those triggers are, we can learn to be more in control of ourselves when our buttons are pushed. Personally, I overreact and feel triggered whenever I work hard on something and someone is critical of it. I’m pretty positive and encouraging toward others, and I can also take constructive criticism pretty well. However, if I think another person is being unfairly critical, it’s easy for me to lose it. Knowing this about myself, I become more aware of my reactions and try to more calmly respond to people when they’re offering criticism.

If you aren’t totally aware of what your triggers are, it might help to reflect on the past week and all the times something upset you. Whether it was justified or not, identify the things that bothered you the most. It could be rejection, criticism, or even something that has nothing to do with you, like someone talking about politics. It’s also important to think about whether you were tired, hungry, or anxious about work in those moments. The last time you overreacted, what was going on with you? Had you not eaten for a while? Was it the end of a hectic week? If you can find out what triggers you and get a sense of the circumstances around those triggers, you might be able to better manage yourself when something upsets you in the future. This gives you time to gain some perspective about what really happened during those moments when you lost your cool. It’s important to look back, not to punish yourself for overreacting, but to learn from the experience. Ask yourself some more questions like, “Why did I do that?” and “What could I have done differently?” If you’re having a hard time reflecting on your actions, separate yourself from the event to get a clearer perspective. How would other people see it? How would your idol handle the same situation? Taking a closer look at the mindset you were operating from in the past isn’t an easy thing to do, but it will help you, in the long run, to respond instead of overreact.

Check your expectations, and make sure they’re realistic. Life can move smoothly at times, but inconveniences are inevitable. People and situations aren’t always predictable. Take yourself out of your own mind, and think about how other people might feel about things. Overreactions sometimes happen when we get hyper-focused on ourselves and our own emotions. None of us are entitled to a perfect life. By taking some time to manage our expectations, we can greatly reduce the chances of overreacting to the imperfections.

Always keep in mind that if something has been bothering you for a really long time, the smallest inconvenience can push you overboard. Try to address the past and resolve anything that’s truly bothering you in the present moment. If you don’t, I can assure you that you’ll continue to sweat the small stuff. Address issues head-on as soon as they arise. Let it out so you can let it go and move on. Keep a journal, write a letter, do whatever it takes to talk it out. It’s no secret that life can get tough. And when things don’t go our way, it’s easy to lose patience. Try to manage yourself with the tips below, so that you can appropriately respond to the situations that arise in your life, one at a time.

• Take a moment: Notice the changes within you (tension in your neck, hot cheeks, elevated heart rate). Keep breathing deeply, and cool down.

• Rationalize: Think about what just happened rationally by bringing yourself closer to objective truth rather than your subjective experience. Find a way to be compassionate and avoid personalizing what happened to you.

• Act: Express yourself with “I” statements, or remove yourself from the situation. If you’re still upset, find a way to re-channel how you feel.

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Have a tough time putting yourself first? Still not sure how to take action to live the life you always dreamed of? Check out my latest book, “When It’s Never About You.” – http://amzn.to/2macaur

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

How to Put Yourself First

“You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”

– JK Rowling

Each of us has a unique and personal way of dealing with life that sets us apart from one another. Our personal traits vary and reveal themselves within our personal relationships, the decisions we make, and where we spend most of our time. Some of the ways we express ourselves include how we process emotions, how we deal with anxiety, and how we perceive our role within our relationships. While we all react and respond differently to different situations, it’s important for us to look inward and question whether our actions are congruent with who we want to be and how we want to live our lives. If you find yourself exclusively living for others, you might be putting your life on the back burner, ignoring your own needs.

It’s difficult to escape the pattern of living for others. But it’s important to make changes in order to actually live. I know you’re aware that life is short. We all know this; yet we continue to do things, make decisions, and live in ways that don’t fulfill us or make us happy. We think that if we just try a little harder, we’ll finally get the results we want. News flash: You can’t have the life you want by investing all the time and energy you have into other people. This is a guaranteed way to never get your happily ever after. It’s actually a surefire way to get the opposite of what you want. Sometimes you have to take a hard look at your life and at yourself. Most of the time, real change starts with you, because no one else is going to do it for you.

Are you tired of disappearing from your own life? Are you ready for change? Well first, you’ve got to have your own back. You’ve got to start being more realistic about the expectations you place on yourself. You aren’t a superhero, and you don’t need to rescue the world or the people in your life in order to be a fantastic person. You just have to show your true self and be you.

Looking Out for You

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing inherently bad with wanting to do for others. However, it’s important to make sure that when you do want to please others, your actions align with what’s important to you. Pleasing becomes an issue when you stop living for yourself in the process of trying to make others happy.

It’s especially difficult to place your needs first when the people you care about, whose opinions you respect, might not agree with you. It may seem impossible for you to pursue what matters most to you. Remember that the drive for safety and security is ingrained in our brains for evolutionary reasons. Our human instinct is to stay alive, avoid danger, find food, and secure an attractive mate so we won’t become instinct.

The truth is, your loved ones are more concerned with your safety than they are with your happiness and passions.

Now that we, humans, no longer need to hide from threats to our survival on a daily basis, we get to choose how we want to live our lives. We can pursue a life that makes us happy, even if it goes against the majority. However, it’s easy to forget that we have this option when we’re caught up in efforts to win others’ approval.

So how can you give back to this world without losing yourself? What talents, strengths, and actions give you the most pride in yourself?

Most of the time, we’re stuck in situations that are uncomfortable for us or that might not make us happy. Many people fall into their careers as a matter of circumstance rather than passion. But instead of seeking ways to contribute to their own lives, they find themselves bored, unsatisfied, and more disconnected—not only from the type of work they do, but also from all the things they once enjoyed.

You Are a Long-Term Investment

Now is the time to figure out your values, principles, and long-term goals—the way you want to live during this one and only life.

Ask yourself, “If I had personal freedom, what would that look like? Where do I see myself in 10 years? What’s the smallest step I can take today that will move me in the direction of my goals? What does a life of value mean to me?”

Get busy living. Every day, take at least one hour to do something that gives you joy. Notice how it makes you feel. Challenge yourself to learn new things through reading and novel experiences. Take the things you learn, and put them into action.

The more time you spend making decisions that are aligned with your values, the happier you’ll be, the more successful you’ll become, and the more prepared you’ll be to make a true difference in this world.

What are some of your values? I’d love to hear about them in the comments section below.

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

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Have a tough time putting yourself first? Still not sure how to take action to live the life you always dreamed of? Check out my latest book, “When It’s Never About You.” – http://amzn.to/2macaur

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Simple Things You Can Do to Calm Your Nervous System

“Learn to calm down the winds of your mind, and you will enjoy great inner peace.”

– Remez Sasson

It’s no secret that different types of stress, whether mental, emotional, or physical, can negatively impact a person’s health. Even thinking about that fact can be stressful! The nervous system takes a big hit under stress, so working on ways to sooth it is a big part of maintaining and balancing our well-being. When our nervous systems are overwhelmed, our bodies are designed to adapt and make up for the stress—but only for short periods of time. Chronic stress—which, let’s face it, most of us deal with—puts lots of pressure on our bodies, making it extra important for us to practice calming down.

New research has found that the large intestine is home to trillions of beneficial bacteria that make up the microbiome, which comprises about 90% of the cells in the human body. Microbes in the intestinal tract respond to stress, sending emergency alarm messages to the central nervous system and brain. The gut perceives the threat and sends its own emergency signal to the brain, when then alerts every cell in the body. Throughout our evolution, these emergencies—often referred to as fight-or-flight responses—have typically been short-lived, triggered by real threats to our survival, like a tiger chasing us down.

Once the emergency is over, the body moves into a restorative mode, which activates the digestive system for nutritional replenishment, structural support, and the rejuvenation of the body to repair any damage caused by the life-threatening situation. Studies have shown that neurotransmitters, which regulate how the nervous system reacts to stress and stabilizes moods, are produced and stored within the intestinal tract. It’s important to note that 95% of the body’s serotonin is found inside the large intestine; only 5% of it resides in the brain at any given time. This is one of the main reasons why it’s so important for us to find ways to calm our nervous system. We can do this with meditation, yoga, and breathing exercises, all of which send a calming signal to our intestinal microbiology, which then delivers a message of peace to the brain, central nervous system and, ultimately, every cell of the body. In addition to engaging in these activities to calm the nervous system, supporting the health of the intestinal tract and microbiology is also a good practice. Here are a few ways you can start supporting your intestinal health and soothing your nervous system.

1. Meditation

Meditation has been shown in numerous studies to rebuild, support, and strengthen the nervous system. Research has shown that meditation is linked to optimal health and longevity.

2. Yoga

Some advanced yogis can control their bodies in extraordinary ways, thanks to the help of their nervous systems. Scientists have monitored yogis who could induce unusual heart rhythms; generate specific brain-wave patterns; and, using a meditation technique, raise the temperature of their hands by 15 degrees Fahrenheit. If they can use yoga to do that, perhaps you could learn to improve blood flow to your pelvis if you’re trying to get pregnant or induce relaxation when you’re having trouble falling asleep.

3. Nose Breathing Exercise

When people breathe through their mouths in a shallow fashion, limiting the breath to the chest cavity, the fight-or-flight mode of the nervous system gets activated. Breathing through the nose, on the other hand, stimulates the calming, restorative, digestion-boosting parasympathetic nervous system.

4. Nature Therapy

It’s hard to ignore the peace and calm that exist in the natural world. Living in the 5-day-plus-per-week rat race, working 40-60 hours every week, squeezed between personal and professional stress, is the antithesis of peace and calm. Many people connect with nature as a way to get some exercise—by taking a hike in the woods, going running, enjoying a swim in the pool or ocean, etc—but they’re also excellent ways to get some peace of mind.

5. Massage

Studies show that when you intentionally give yourself a massage, massage someone else, or hug someone in a loving way, the health-and-longevity-promoting hormone, oxytocin, is released. There are also millions of nerve endings on your skin. Whenever something touches your skin, you feel it. Putting oil on your skin will enhance that sensory experience, creating a neurological calm throughout your body. This is a fascinating and incredibly nourishing technique to calm and soothe the nervous system.

6. Eating Relaxed

Eating in a relaxed manner activates the calming and soothing parasympathetic nervous system; conversely, eating on the run or under stress activates the fight-or-flight-based sympathetic nervous system. Make it a point to plan ahead for meals so you have enough time to relax and enjoy the process of eating your food. It’s best to do this without distractions such as TV, smartphones, reading, or driving. Calming music or conversation is best.

7. Eating A Big Lunch

Eating a light breakfast, a big lunch, and a light dinner is a stress reduction strategy that’s been used for thousands of years across the globe. Today’s science shows that eating this way de-stresses the body and allows it to function in harmony with the circadian rhythms that align with our optimal health.

8. Early to Bed, Early to Rise

As a way to reconnect with our natural circadian rhythms, we should aim to get 7 to 8 hours of sleep each night. This is key for the rejuvenation and detox of the nervous system, which happens while we sleep!

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Do you know someone that has a tough time saying no? Steer them to my latest book, “When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.” It is available to order here!

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

“When It’s Never About You” Named 2017 Foreword INDIES Book of the Year Awards Winner.

I am proud to announce that “When It’s Never About You” is a 2017 Foreword INDIES Winner!

Foreword Reviews, a book review journal focusing on independently published books, announced the winners of its INDIES Book of the Year Awards. The INDIES recognize the best books published in 2017 from small, indie, and university presses, as well as self-published authors. You can view my book here:

https://bit.ly/2K1fuiZ

“Awarding the INDIES is an intense months long judging process and our editorial team and librarian/bookseller judges grow a bit emotional as the announcement date nears,” said Matt Sutherland, Foreword Reviews’ editor-in-chief. “Everyone involved finds it a great honor to recognize all these great books because so many of them have been overlooked by mainstream publications due to the low profile of their publishers and authors. While they don’t have major PR machine or corporate budgets, these indie publishers are passionate about what they do, take chances, and produce a wide range of thought-provoking books.”

Over 2,000 entries were submitted in 68 categories, with Foreword’s editors choosing the finalists, and a panel of over 150 librarians and booksellers acting as judges to pick the winners.

About Foreword: Founded in 1998, Foreword Magazine, Inc. is the only media company completely devoted to independent publishing. Publishers of a Folio: award-winning bi-monthly print review journal, special interest products, and daily online content feeds, Foreword exclusively covers university and independent (non “Big 5”) publishers, the books they publish, and their authors. Foreword is based in Traverse City, Michigan, USA, with staff based around the world.

Warm regards,

Doctor Ilene

How to Appreciate What You Have Already

Be thankful for what you have, you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”

— Oprah Winfrey

If we’re being honest with ourselves, we don’t walk around most of the time thinking about how fortunate we are for the good things going on in our lives—like being alive, for example. Sometimes, I experience moments of realization when I recognize just how lucky I am to have health, family, friends, and so many other good fortunes. It’s like a cool wave of gratefulness washes over me, cleansing me of my worries, stress, and problems. This week, I had such an experience. Although nothing was out of the ordinary on the outside, my mind was filled with thoughts about how so much of my life is going great. I’m generally not one to complain, but sometimes I find myself lost in the negatives of life, losing sight of the good. All of us have struggles that seem impossible to bear at times; but we also have blessings that we can easily overlook. We get so used to our circumstances that we lose sight of the big picture and forget how good we really have it. That’s why it’s important to take a moment to appreciate what you have, what you’ve achieved, and how far you’ve come. After all, what’s the point of all the beauty in our lives if we don’t take a moment to look around and truly see it?

I appreciate the ocean, which I can see from my bedroom window.

I appreciate my health and my ability to walk.

I appreciate that I have delicious food to eat.

I appreciate that I have a home.

I appreciate my daughter.

I appreciate being alive and experiencing it all.

As I think about everything I have to be appreciative of, I get curious: Why are such moments of gratitude so rare? What stops me from tapping into this state of mind more often? As humans, we’re always striving for the next thing, looking at what others have that we don’t. We get so consumed by what we wish we had, that we take for granted what we have already. We focus on being, doing, and having more than what’s there already. When we focus on more, we become blind to everything we already are. This leaves us chasing the next best thing, which we tell ourselves will make us happy. But what if we could be happy with what we have already? And what if the path to happiness is appreciating what we have rather than chasing after more?

I’ll be the first to admit that I sometimes have a hard time appreciating the little things—especially when I’m going through tough times. However, I suspect that most of us lose sight of our blessings not because of trauma, but because we’re focusing on everything we want but don’t have. If we want to deepen our appreciation for what we have already, we must remind ourselves of what we’re grateful for, even if it seems silly.

The fact is, you’re here right now. Your eyes have the ability to read this article. And while they do, your autonomic nervous system is regulating your bodily functions, including your breathing and heartbeat, all without your conscious effort. There’s no limit to what we can appreciate if we’re paying close attention. So, what do you appreciate in your life? What are you most grateful for?

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

Do you know someone that has a tough time saying no? Steer them to my latest book, “When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.” It is available to order here!

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

How to Be Truthful Without Being Hurtful: A Strategy for Creating Fulfilling Relationships

“The only person we can change and control is our own self. Changing our own self can feel so threatening and difficult that it is often easier to continue an old pattern of silent withdrawal or ineffective fighting and blaming.”

–Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

My client, Jeff, was faced with a big task: figuring out how to be honest with his wife without verbally attacking, blaming, or attempting to change her. His situation is pretty similar to one we all face. When we’re faced with something we don’t like in our relationships, we tend to think we have only two options: 1) say nothing to the person, and try to ignore the issues; or 2) yell at the person for hurting us in an attempt to change him or her. What we often fail to see is that we have another option available to us—one that changes the focus from the other person to ourselves. Instead of getting hung up on what needs to be different in the other person, this option involves looking inward and asking what kind of person we want to be in relation to others.

Through our work together, Jeff started to ponder his grievances with his wife and consider how he could be strategic about confronting her. He knew he wanted to feel close to her, but the more he tried to change her and unload his grievances, the more she pulled away. Jeff believed that his wife was irresponsible; he told me he was always picking up the slack around the house and paying the larger part of the bills. He always dealt with it by holding in his frustrations until one day he would burst, screaming at her for being childish. He didn’t know how to make her more responsible or get her to see how her actions were harming their relationship.

After coming up with a plan in therapy, Jeff decided that instead of yelling at his wife about her faults or holding in his anger, he would start to talk to her about it. He decided he would explain to her that he was willing to contribute to the family and relationship, but there were certain things he was no longer willing to do. He got to this point by defining himself and his limits instead of focusing on what he wanted from his wife. When it came time to talk to his wife, Jeff said something like this: “Jennifer, I’ve come to the conclusion that I can no longer be the one who works full time, takes care of all the bills, and does all the housework. I’m willing to do the things we’ve discussed, and I’ll no longer take part in the things you’ve promised to take care of. I hope you’ll find a way to contribute by doing your part with the housework and bills, like we’ve discussed. I’d like someone to share all of these responsibilities with.” Jeff wanted to feel close with his wife again, and he noticed that the fighting and/or holding in his frustration only disconnected them more. If he could express to her what he was willing to contribute and define himself instead of blaming her, Jennifer could be more open to having a conversation without feeling the need to get defensive or hurt from his insults.

Over time, the way Jeff spoke to me about his marriage started to transform. He would talk about how his wife’s behaviors affected him instead of blaming her for being a childish person. When Jennifer started to take on more responsibility, Jeff began to feel closer to her. However, he noticed that when she would do something irresponsible again, like make a late payment, he would distant himself and feel the need to fix it. Instead of reacting in old ways, he made an effort to communicate in more effective ways, remaining attuned to his reactions in order to change them. He stopped blaming and yelling, and instead would say things like, “Jennifer, when you don’t pay a bill, I feel myself wanting to hurry up and take care of it. It puts a lot of pressure on me, and I feel overwhelmed. I like feeling more relaxed and closer to you, and this pushes me away. I would prefer to be enjoying our time together, rather than wondering if we’re going to have the lights turned off.”

Automatic Reactions

It’s easy to succumb to our frustrations and anger, placing them on other people when they do things that upset us. We accuse them of making us feel responsible for them and their actions. But Jeff decided he wasn’t getting anywhere doing that; instead, he was just getting closer and closer to the divorce lawyer’s office. He wanted to feel in control of his life without being angry all the time, so he found a better way to be truthful with his wife without hurting her. Jeff no longer needed to dump his feelings of disappointment on her. He was able to better process his feelings and learn to manage himself. For years, he had occupied the over-functioning position in his marriage, because it’s the role he always took in his family of origin. After some reflection and effort, Jeff was finally able to see that he needed to make some changes in his way of relating to the people closest to him. He found a way to be honest about how much he cared for his wife without needing to take care of everything himself. He discovered that caring for other people doesn’t have to mean taking care of their responsibilities.

Final Thoughts

When you’re ready to start exploring how to address the people in your life, ask yourself these questions: Instead of attacking someone I’m upset with, what are some ways I could start setting limits, expressing what I’m not willing to do in the relationship? Who is it that I want to be as a husband, wife, daughter, son, employee, etc.?

If we scratch beneath the surface of our relationships with people we love, we’re likely to see that the issues we might have with them lie in what we’ve failed to communicate to them in an honest, mature, and rational manner. We’re likely to see that there are unexpressed emotions lingering, which seep into and appear in our other relationships. We have to be real and honest with ourselves so we can be real with other people. It’s hard to be authentic in our significant relationships if we haven’t dealt with our own stuff and communicated honestly about it.

Using proper language and tone when communicating is one way to fulfill our relationships. Speaking beneficially and delivering tactful feedback eliminates the chance of causing unnecessary hurt. It also creates a happier environment filled with opportunities to grow. When we communicate authentically, kindly, constructively, and consistently about what we believe in, we can create richer and more meaningful relationships. It isn’t easy to apply this strategy when we’re angry or hurt, but our relationships will give us plenty of opportunities to practice.

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

Do you know someone that has a tough time saying no? Steer them to my latest book, “When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.” It is available to order here!

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Managing Anxiety to Improve Your Relationship

Feeling anxious? Anxiety can manifest itself in many ways that prove detrimental to our own personal health, as well as our relationships. That sense of uneasiness, worrying about the future and the general demands of life are all forms of anxiety. Don’t let anxiety bog you down and negatively affect the relationship with yourself and your partner any longer!

In an episode of the I Do Podcast my colleague Dr. Denise Fournier discusses relationship advice topics that include:

• How anxiety can manifest as reactivity to your partner and how to change this to responsiveness.

• Why some anxiety can be good and how to best channel this energy.

• Becoming aware of your anxiety and taking steps to manage it.

• How to slow things down rather than approaching everything with a sense of urgency.

• How anxiety lives in the body and the physiological responses we can create to cope with our anxiety.

• And much more!

Dr. Denise Fournier is a mindfulness-based psychotherapist and coach in Miami, FL. Through her practice, Evergreen Therapy, she works with individuals and couples using an approach that blends modern research and Eastern philosophy. In addition to her work with clients, Denise is also an adjunct professor at Nova Southeastern University and a regular contributor to the Psychology Today.

The episode, Managing Your Anxiety to Improve Your Relationship, can be found at the link below. Check it out!

Managing Anxiety to Improve Your Relationship

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene