Ilene S. Cohen's Blog, page 12

How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids

After having my second child, Elizabeth, I found myself needing to re-evaluate the roles my husband and I play in our household. I recognize that, in an attempt to keep the peace around me, I tend to do too much; so before I had baby Elizabeth, I reminded myself of this glitch in an effort to avoid going back into old patterns when things got stressful. When our first baby came on the scene, the once equal-looking partnership between my husband and me started to look like a 1950s television show. It was remarkable how quickly we slipped into traditional gender roles. After some hard work and bickering, things started to look a little more equitable in our household. It wasn’t quite 50/50, but my husband started picking up the slack and understanding that he, too, could do things around the house and with our daughter, even though he belonged to the male race. This was something that probably should have been non-negotiable from the beginning.

On the second go-around, I had 4 months of maternity leave and was breastfeeding, so I naturally took on most of the responsibility with the baby and around the house. It was an unavoidable aspect of our situation. However, once I starting working again, I realized I would once again need to re-negotiate who does what around the house and with the kids—because let’s get serious, he wasn’t going to bring it up if I wasn’t going to. We’d all love for our partners to ask, “How can I help?” “What can I do when I get home?” “What can I contribute around the house?” But the reality is, flying unicorns are more likely to land on your doorstep with a million-dollar check than your husband is to offer to do more.

When I raised this topic with my husband, in the most gentle and therapeutic way possible, I wasn’t met with a very receptive response. As moms and wives, most of us have to bring up the conversation of having our partners become, well, actual partners. However, when we do bring it up, the responses we get aren’t too warm or fuzzy.

While struggling to get my husband to do more after a long day of work, I also encountered an influx of clients who were struggling with the very same issue. I wasn’t alone. Then I came across a book titled How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by journalist Jancee Dunn, and I knew I had to read it right away. As it turns out, most women struggle with this very same issue. In the book, the author reports that she enjoys a happy home life with her husband and daughter. When I read this, I was eager to find out how she did it! What I learned is that it wasn’t always so peaceful or easy. Dunn shared that her relationship became strained right after the birth of her child. Resentment grew over whose turn it was to empty the diaper pail, who was supposed to make dinner, and who got time to themselves.

The pressures of raising a child escalated the stress in Dunn’s marriage to such an extent that she decided to do something before she ended up in a divorce. To improve her marriage, she went to several therapists and relationship experts and dove into the research. Her book combines social science research about domestic labor and gender roles with interviews and her own experiment in couples counseling. She even sought help from an FBI crisis negotiator. Here are her top five tips for not hating your partner after kids.

1. Let him screw up.

He has to bond with his kids too, and you have to let him make mistakes. That means not hovering and not signaling, overtly or subtly, that you know better. Total immersion is the only way, says Dunn. “Leave the house. Get a coffee, or go away for the weekend. His way is not the wrong way.” (I have recently learned that it doesn’t actually help my sweating husband, when he’s struggling to get the kids out the door, to raise my eyebrows and say “classic mistake—always put your own coat on last.”) If you don’t have both partners fully taking ownership, then you’ll stay stuck in the employer/sullen teenage employee dynamic.

But what, you ask, if your husband doesn’t want to do any domestic labor? What if he’s content to let you be the maker of the grocery lists and the keeper of the pediatrician appointments, summer camps, play dates and special laundry instructions? Then, Dunn, says, you are going to have to learn to …

2. Stay on your own side.

You need to advocate for what you need, or stay on your own side. Now, this advocating can mean losing your temper and screaming that he needs to get off his butt and fold a load of laundry, or no it’s not okay to take a long nap after a long hot shower after taking a long solo run all morning, or you can have a civil conversation and divide up the chores. And keep having that civil conversation, weekly or monthly, as new responsibilities crop up and others fade away.

Dunn suggests dividing housework based on who likes or loathes what chores—her own husband hates the grocery store (“the crowds, the florescent lighting, whereas I like seeing the new products and thinking about what I’m going to cook”) so food shopping has become her responsibility. He’s compulsively punctual, so he’s in charge of all things time-sensitive, like bill-paying and taking his daughter to her classes.

Not staying on your own side means stewing in silent fury as you do the dishes, bathe the kids, pack lunches and fold laundry—while your spouse reads a magazine in bed. It means presenting things as a choice: “Do you want to do baths or dishes?” and then, after that, “Do you want to fold laundry or pack lunches?”

This doesn’t necessarily mean that you get to dictate exactly how the chores get done—my husband prefers to pack lunches and do dishes in the morning, so unless I want to do these things myself…they’re waiting until tomorrow.

3. Insist on your half-day.

Dunn says that “weekends should not be a forced march” of childcare and chores. “You need to negotiate weekend time, and ask each other ‘what are we doing this weekend that meets everyone’s needs?’” She calls it the “everyone sort of wins” strategy.

My husband and I long ago agreed that we would each get a half-day off, every weekend, in which we could sleep in and had no childcare or housekeeping responsibilities. Even if we’re all home, one parent is off duty. When my kids inevitably ask me if they can have a snack/watch TV/set fire to something, I say “Daddy’s in charge till lunchtime,” and they take their requests to him. (Answers: yes, yes, and depends on what it is.) I read in bed or go for a run or meet a friend for coffee, with no comment from him. He watches the Braves lose five games in a row, with only a few comments from me (“This is how you relax?”). It’s blissful.

4. Have sex during Tae Kwon Do.

Who has energy for sex when you’re caught in a mudslide? Many new mothers feel like sex is just another demand on their time and bodies, and it’s often easier to say “not tonight, dear, I have a long Netflix queue.” Dunn cites research that claims the marital “sweet spot” for sex frequency is once a week, and that the ideal length of time for intercourse is seven-13 minutes. That’s really not a lot of time—and if you, as Dunn did, ask your husband to take some of the evening routine off your plate by putting the kids to bed a tad early, it won’t cut into your precious, precious, sleep time.

For others, scheduling sex is the only way to make sure it actually happens. Dunn tells me about a friend who has a standing sex date with her husband while their twins are at Saturday morning Tae Kwon Do (a drop-off class, I presume). My own husband, at one point defeated by the relentless demands of a baby and a preschooler, said desperately, “We’re going to have to start paying for sex.” When I asked him to, uh, clarify, he said, “We need to hire a sitter to take them out of the house for a few hours or we’ll never have sex again.” Nothing like paying for a babysitter to make you use your time productively!

And having good sex means you’ll want to have more sex, so getting over that first hurdle, so to speak, will make you more eager to do it again. (Disclaimer that no one should be having sex unwillingly—these are just tips for finding time and getting in the mood.)

5. Learn to fight fair.

“Know that your baby is affected [by your fighting],” Dunn says. “If you’re fighting over her head, making a few choice gestures, she’s getting those stress responses. We were in a pattern called ‘Demand-Withdrawal,’” in which one partner tries to get the other to do something, or to engage and communicate, and the other one just shuts down. The relationship gurus John and Julie Gottman call this stonewalling, and it’s one of the big predictors of divorce. (Um, maybe because it’s enraging.)

Dunn and her husband went to couples therapy—and even consulted with an FBI crisis negotiator—to learn to fight fair, and to fight away from their daughter. They learned techniques such as “mirroring,” when the person echoes what the other person just said, and paraphrasing the gist of their complaint. She said, “And sometimes you have to laugh because the paraphrasing is wildly off—‘You’re angry because I stepped around you while you were emptying the dishwasher’—‘No, I’m angry because you stood there jingling your keys and saying let’s go instead of offering to help.’”

For her part, Dunn had to learn to control her temper, which a therapist told her was verbally abusive, and to ask directly for help, rather than spiraling into a rage cycle when her husband couldn’t read her mind.

How To Not Hate Your Husband After Kids is extremely helpful, and even comforting, if for no other reason than you realize that many couples are confronting the same programming and conflicts you are—and have managed to fight their way clear. “We’re only a generation or two away from the homemaker/breadwinner model,” she says. Every couple has to reinvent what’s right for them—a strict feminist model calls for a precise 50-50 split, but Dunn argues for what “feels equitable” to each couple.

And Dunn notes that her book isn’t necessarily going to help a marriage that’s really far gone. All of her research-backed advice is predicated on the belief that both parties are good people who want everyone to be happy—it’s not, obviously, for people in abusive relationships or even for women married to partners who are just fine with watching football all weekend while their wives clean, cook, and chauffeur.

We can’t necessarily do anything about the mudslide. We can’t necessarily do anything about the gender-role programming we received in childhood (and continue to receive). But we can stop and have a conversation about who takes the kids to hockey and who goes through the bills. We can have sex during Tae Kwon Do. We can make sure that everyone sort of wins. And that’s how not to hate your husband after kids.

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Dr. Ilene

How to Deal with Complicated Family Relationships

“When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree.

The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying ‘You are too this, or I’m too this.’ That judgment mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are.”

― Ram Dass

I used to be trapped in a people-pleaser’s nightmare. I was surrounded by people who were never satisfied and always finding something wrong with every situation. I saw the people around me screaming whenever they didn’t feel gratified or didn’t get their way. They were always looking to me to satisfy their discomfort and blaming me for their misfortunes. These last few years I have come to the startling realization that no matter how much I’ve evolved, deep in my heart, I still want to see other people happy. Part of me still feels somewhat responsible for that; I’m uncomfortable with the thought of people being upset with me. But I’ve had ample opportunity to change that about myself, especially since I have contact with people who get upset about mostly everything. “You didn’t say hi the right way.” “Why weren’t you the first to call me on my birthday?” “It’s your fault I’m angry.”

I grew up with a guilt that consumed my soul, and I spent my life seeking ways to prove that I was a good person, a good family member and friend. My driving hope was that one day, everyone in my family would look at me with love, and I would simply be enough. I used to think, “Maybe this time I will have a gathering where no one gets upset.” But it never worked; I always did something. It still hurts to not be fully excepted, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve decided to make peace with those feelings. I’ve come to realize that other’s dissatisfaction with me isn’t my fault, and if someone is on a mission to be disappointed, they will be—no matter what I do. I had to make the decision to know myself and claim my worth and value apart from what anyone else has to say.

Sometimes I honestly wonder if the path I took to start living my own life was worth it; other days, I dance in the glory of the freedom I’ve claimed to make my own life, even if others aren’t happy with me. Many of my clients have complicated relationships with family. Some of their families are distant, others are smothering, and some are too critical. The truth is, we’re all affected by those closest to us, whether we like it or not. We all want good relationships, and that’s a beautiful thing to cherish. But sometimes we just have to accept the ones we have. I learned that in order to have close relationships with complicated family, I had to first let go of the fantasy. It isn’t fair for me to push others to change so that I can be more comfortable around them. I had to be the one to changes my reaction towards them.

In spite of it all, I can see that every person has amazing qualities. Most complicated people don’t take shit from anyone, they tell you like it is, and though they are usually perpetually dissatisfied, their loyalty knows no bounds. The truth is that the most difficult people have hearts of gold, but a thirst for control that consumes them.

Even though I have complicated relationships at times, I’m grateful for the hardest ones that I do have, because if it wasn’t so painful trying to please those people, I never would have changed. It was so hard to be a people-pleaser in my most important relationships, that it pushed me to be a better version of myself. Sometimes our teachers aren’t the people we expect them to be. The difficult people in your life will be your greatest teachers, as well as your most challenging relationships.

The biggest lesson I learned is that I’m not responsible for another person’s happiness, and it’s okay to upset people if you’re doing what’s right for you. I know this made me a stronger person, because if I can live with dissatisfying the ones I love, I can live with upsetting just about anyone. If you’re struggling like I have, here are some things you can do about it.

1. Say goodbye to your fantasy relationships. If you have complicated relationships with family or wish things could be different between you, I understand how frustrating and confusing that can be. However, if you want to maintain a relationship with your loved ones, it’s important that you throw away your fantasy of who they should be, and accept them as they are. If you’re lucky, you can utilize those relationships to change things about yourself that will help you in other areas of your life.

2. Understand others in their context. I learned that the most difficult people are still struggling with their own personal issues. If their issues don’t get resolved in a family, those patterns will continue into the next generation. No matter how difficult it is, I will work on my family relationships, learning to accept the family I’ve got, and keeping in check my need to please others.

3. Remain connected, even when you’re upset. Trust me, I know how hard it is to remain connected with someone when you’re upset. But we have to remember that a family is an emotional unit. What one person in a family does affects everyone else. I made a decision to never cut family out of my life, no matter how hard it gets at times. I take each time someone gets upset with me as an opportunity to express myself and learn how to deal with confrontation. Even though I’m not my former people-pleasing self, I don’t have conflict with too many people. Through my family relationships, I can continue learning how to deal and manage when there’s conflict.

4. Give yourself time to respond and not react. When we’re emotionally charged, our initial reaction is to either retreat or yell back. But it’s helpful to practice responding instead. I don’t like distancing from people I care about, and I also don’t like yelling and screaming. I’ve learned that it’s okay to be firm and speak your mind. When you’re triggered by someone else, give yourself a little time to cool off, but always make it a point to discuss what is and isn’t okay with you. Use your response as an opportunity to show who you are and make clear how you handle difficult situations.

Yes, I get upset. Yes, I sometimes wish it was easier. But most of the time in life, we don’t get the relationships we want; we get the ones we need—the ones that will challenge us to our core. We can run from them, but nothing gets solved that way. I’ve come to realize that if people want to get angry at the small stuff, that’s not my problem. I have to remember to be okay with others being upset, especially when there isn’t anything I can do about it. I have to learn that I can’t please everyone, and it’s okay to keep doing what’s right for me.

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Dr. Ilene

A New Year of Acceptance and Gratitude

“None is more impoverished than the one who has no gratitude. Gratitude is a currency that we can mint for ourselves, and spend without fear of bankruptcy.”

— Fred De Witt Van Amburgh

With every new year, it seems like time is passing by just a little faster; a year doesn’t seem nearly as long as it used to. We go about our lives as usual on a daily basis, and suddenly there are holiday songs on the radio and Christmas decorations for sale at the local convenience store. There’s something about the holiday season that makes us realize the days have all kind of flown by. All of the sudden, we’re met with another New Year’s Day, another chance to hit the restart button. We make elaborate promises to ourselves at the start of each year to do better and be better. Most of us never see the gym as packed as at the turn of the new year.

Many of us start the year with a fresh sense of motivation to do everything we want to do. But after the New Year’s celebration, the end of the holiday season, and a few appearances at the gym, we all seem to go back to doing what we usually do. Our motivation dwindles, and we fall back into the same patterns until the next holiday season comes. I’m not being a Debby Downer about this; I’ve seen it countless times. But why does this happen? Because people make changes based on fantasy and short-term motivation, not on the basis of their true values and goals. We make superficial New Year’s resolutions that die out faster than the amount of time it took to conjure them up.

When we decide to make real changes in our lives, it shouldn’t be because we’re on a time crunch, or because it’s a particular time of year. It should be because we truly want to make those changes to better our lives. What we don’t realize is that merely deciding to make a change isn’t the hard part. Sure, it takes some guts and self-awareness to understand what we need to change about ourselves; but most of the work happens out in the field. You can decide to make healthier food choices and lose some weight, but the real work happens when you start cooking those healthy options, resist the cookies, and hit the gym 5 days a week. Knowing what needs to change is great and all, but actually making the change is a different ball game. And nothing will truly change unless you’re fully committed to putting in the work (all year around) and are totally prepared to live your life differently.

Instead of wishing for a completely different year or thinking about what I want to change, I’m committed to spending my 2019 practicing acceptance and gratitude for what’s present in my life now. What I’ve come to realize is that every year brings bad days, good days, boring days, and exciting days. A wise man once told me that even if your good days come with an equal number of bad ones, you’ve still lived a good life and have something to be grateful for. No life is free of bad days. I carry that lesson with me, taking the good with the bad, not fighting what is, and knowing that each new year, with its many possibilities, will also bring disappointments and tragedy. It’s how I decide to act in those moments that defines who I am.

So maybe change begins with acceptance and gratitude for what is. Maybe it starts with appreciating the good, the bad, and the ugly, knowing that there’s no magic in those New Year’s resolutions, just a sense of awareness that we can all do better. Maybe this year we can do just a little bit more to be our best selves.

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Have a tough time putting yourself first? Still not sure how to take action to live the life you always dreamed of? Check out my latest book, “When It’s Never About You.” – http://amzn.to/2macaur

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

You Are Good Enough! The Key to Being Comfortable in Your Own Skin

“Beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself.”

– Coco Chanel

You’re not ugly. Society is.

You know that moment when you realize you don’t look like a supermodel? And the next moment, when you notice your arms may be the same width as their legs? Those are probably the moments when you decide to hate your body and everything on your face. That’s not cool for many reasons, but especially because you’re feeling bad about yourself as a result of comparing yourself to impossible standards.

I grew up watching the show Baywatch, and I’d always compare myself to the “babes”. That’s why at 12-years-old I decided to go on my first “diet.” I saw myself as ugly, fat, and unworthy. I was a short, brunette, and my face hadn’t grown into my nose yet. Like many girls that age, I didn’t understand the messages I was growing up with about what beauty is; I didn’t have the awareness to reject these standards, so I internalized them and hated my looks.

I grew up feeling ugly and uncomfortable in my own skin. I thought it was my appearance that I needed to change, not society. If only I looked like Pamela Andersen, I thought, I’d be happy and feel good about who I was. I could run in slow motion, with nothing jiggling, and I wouldn’t look like a wet dog after swimming in the ocean. I started to wear makeup at the age of 12 just to hide my “ugliness.” It was so uncomfortable to think I needed a mask of cosmetics to look presentable to the world.

Looking back I wonder, “How do you grow into having a strong and confident sense of self if you hate what you see in the mirror?” I always believed that in order to feel good on the inside you have to look good on the outside. However, if you’re walking around in a body you hate looking at, it may be impossible to feel good about who you are without doing some necessary soul searching.

I couldn’t appreciate anything beautiful about myself because I was too busy comparing myself to everyone else. Looking at my beautiful daughters, I hope they see themselves as I see them. When I think of them I wonder, how am I going to help them define beauty? How can we all change our narratives about beauty? How can we help young women see how beautiful they are?

We have to let girls know that beauty is socially constructed

Our current culture is addicted to social media, which pumps out external images and messages that tell us we should be richer, prettier, skinnier, more adventurous, and more beautiful. According to the media, you’ll only find happiness if you have the “perfect” body, the best skin, the most symmetrical face. We’re no longer just comparing ourselves to celebrities; we’re now comparing ourselves to “regular” people on social media who project images of their idealistic lifestyles.

Most of the images we consume through the media are either air brushed or taken from a million angles before they’re shared. I know many people who are dissatisfied with the way they look, and body image plays a huge part in this. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t want to be just five to ten pounds lighter, even when I was at my slimmest. However, the actual body ideal changes according to our cultural norms. I started appreciating my curvy figure when Jennifer Lopez’s body became desirable. I should have been looking to find my own self-love; instead, I was waiting for my body type to be in style. Self-love and acceptance shouldn’t be contingent on the latest trend.

Michelangelo once said, “Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it…in every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine to see it.” That’s how we should view ourselves. Just as an artist can see the art inside a block of stone, we should see the potential inside ourselves. Instead, most of us see only a block of unfinished person. We sometimes don’t know how to chisel away the heavy rock that is hiding our beauty. We’re weighed down by societal pressure that keeps us confined and frozen in stone. We wait for society to value us instead of valuing ourselves.

With all the pressure placed on us by society and the people around us, it’s easy to get caught up in how we are “supposed to” look. We get so many messages about how to dress, what kind of body we should have, and how to respond to our own bodies, that it’s hard to hear our own voices.

Figuring out who you want to be is an ever-evolving process. However, it starts with taking a step back. This is the time to see the beauty that you have. I first started to feel comfortable with who I am by ceasing to compare myself to other people. I decided to study what I did like about myself, instead of hyper focusing on what I didn’t like. I learned the magic of concentrating on what was working for me instead of looking at my “flaws.” What I found is that other people may be viewed as prettier, smarter, or of more value, but it’s the value I give myself that’s important. I needed space from the magazines, social media, and others’ opinions to gain a better understanding of what I wanted and to live a life that involves being true to myself. The minute I did that, the world started to reflect back to me what I started seeing in myself.

When you’re confident in who you are, there isn’t anything more beautiful

When thinking about what made me fall in love with my husband, I wondered, was it his perfectly chiseled abs? Probably not, because he didn’t have those when I met him. (No offense!) Was it his Brad Pitt looking appearance? No, he looked more like the Muppet Gonzo when I first met him. (Inside joke!) I realized what attracted me to him was his confidence and sense of humor, even about himself and his own limitations. He made no apologies for who he was, and even though he didn’t look like Brad Pitt or have the body of a Greek god, he was what I wanted. He is handsome and attractive because he knows himself and is comfortable with who he is. It’s in appreciating yourself the way you are that you become beautiful. We are our harshest critics. Once we quiet that critical voice, we can see our true beauty and become truly beautiful by doing so.

I have decided to reconstruct my ideas about beauty and place less emphasis on what’s on the surface. When I am confident in my own skin because of the things I do—and not because of my pear shape—I know I’ll be at my prettiest.

Every day you have to choose not to compare the way you look to others. You need to remind yourself not to judge yourself based on how other people say you should look. In the words, being attractive can be a gift of genetics. Being truly beautiful is a choice to focus on growing and deepening our interior worlds.

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Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

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Have a tough time putting yourself first? Still not sure how to take action to live the life you always dreamed of? Check out my latest book, “When It’s Never About You.” – http://amzn.to/2macaur

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

The Gift of Contentment During this Holiday Season

“Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”

–Lao Tzu

In a recent session, my client, Beth, explained, “The holidays are here again. I know I’m supposed to be excited, but it’s really just a reminder of how far away my family and friends are.” Beth had recently moved far away from her family for a job and really didn’t have anyone special to be with over the holidays. She was planning on spending them alone with a bottle of wine and a box of chocolate. For a moment that way of spending the holidays sounded pretty good to me. No family members to argue about politics with. No worries about overspending on holiday gifts. She certainly didn’t have to prep a big meal and then deal with the clean-up afterwards. In that moment, I thought it would be great to change places with Beth for the holidays. She probably would have been happy to share in the holiday spirit with other people, rather than be alone. Trading places with each other seemed like it would be a nice win-win situation.

Then I got in touch with reality and realized that my fantasizing was such a typical part of the human condition: to want the opposite of what you have; to think the grass is greener on the other side; to want something different then your typical life. If your holidays are overwhelming with a lot family members, you may find yourself day dreaming about spending your holidays on a cruise ship sipping margaritas. If your family is estranged you might be desiring a big holiday celebration filled with family board games, a bunch of screaming kids, dirty dishes, and thousands of dollars racked up on your credit cards. Whatever it may be, the holidays have a way of bringing things to the surface. It’s a reminder of stressful family members, lack of finances, or a divided family. Things that may be forgotten on the other days of the year can’t be ignored during the holidays. Maybe that’s why it’s my busiest time of year. So what can be done about it? The pressure to put a cheerful holiday smile on your face doesn’t help when on the inside you want to scream at the mall traffic and throw your remote at the TV showing that sickeningly sweet holiday movie.

Instead of concentrating on the stuff we lack, the holidays should serve as a reminder to be content with whatever it is we do have. Nothing is ever going to be 100% perfect, unless you’re in a Hallmark movie. Expecting everything to go exactly the way you want will only lead to disappointment. Everything, yes everything, is flawed in some way; but the good news is that there are always upsides as well. With this understanding, I have decided to accept whatever this holiday has to bring. If I have to play host again, I’ll do it and be grateful I have a home that can accommodate my family. If we have a big dinner, I know I’ll have a lot of cleaning to do, but at least I have a loving family to share it with. If you find yourself with less family around, try to enjoy some quiet and relaxing time with a delicious bottle of wine, some of your favorite chocolates, and a good movie. Try to enjoy your own company. If you have a big family, try to enjoy their pleasantries even if they’re loud. Be more present while opening presents, being grateful that you have people that care about you. And most of all, appreciate the gift of contentment this holiday season by limiting your focus to what you do have.

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

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Have a tough time putting yourself first? Still not sure how to take action to live the life you always dreamed of? Check out my latest book, “When It’s Never About You.” – http://amzn.to/2macaur

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

How to Be Thankful for What You Have Already

“Be thankful for what you have, you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”

 —Oprah Winfrey

If we’re being honest with ourselves, we don’t walk around most of the time thinking about how fortunate we are for the good things going on in our lives—like being alive, for example. Sometimes, I experience moments of realization when I recognize just how lucky I am to have health, family, friends, and so many other good fortunes. It’s like a cool wave of gratefulness washes over me, cleansing me of my worries, stress, and problems. This week, I had such an experience, especially with thanksgiving coming this week. When thinking about what I am thankful for, my mind was filled with thoughts about how so much of my life is going great. I’m generally not one to complain, but sometimes I find myself lost in the negatives of life, losing sight of the good. Especially when I turn on the news, I find myself feeling a lot of despair. All of us have struggles that seem impossible to bear at times; but we also have blessings that we can easily overlook. We get so used to our circumstances that we lose sight of the big picture and forget how good we really have it. That’s why it’s important to take a moment to appreciate what you have, what you’ve achieved, and how far you’ve come. After all, what’s the point of all the beauty in our lives if we don’t take a moment to look around and truly see it?

I appreciate the ocean, which I can see from my bedroom window.

I appreciate my health and my ability to walk.

I appreciate that I have delicious food to eat.

I appreciate that I have a home.

I appreciate my daughters.

I appreciate being alive and experiencing it all.

As I think about everything I have to be appreciative of, I get curious: Why are such moments of gratitude so rare? What stops me from tapping into this state of mind more often? As humans, we’re always striving for the next thing, looking at what others have that we don’t. We get so consumed by what we wish we had, that we take for granted what we have already. We focus on being, doing, and having more than what’s there already. When we focus on more, we become blind to everything we already are. This leaves us chasing the next best thing, which we tell ourselves will make us happy. But what if we could be happy with what we have already? And what if the path to happiness is appreciating what we have rather than chasing after more?

I’ll be the first to admit that I sometimes have a hard time appreciating the little things—especially when I’m going through tough times. However, I suspect that most of us lose sight of our blessings not because of trauma, but because we’re focusing on everything we want but don’t have. If we want to deepen our appreciation for what we have already, we must remind ourselves of what we’re grateful for, even if it seems silly.

The fact is, you’re here right now. Your eyes have the ability to read this article. And while they do, your autonomic nervous system is regulating your bodily functions, including your breathing and heartbeat, all without your conscious effort. There’s no limit to what we can appreciate if we’re paying close attention. So, what do you appreciate in your life? What are you most grateful for?

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Dr. Ilene

The Importance of Love in a Time of Hate: An Important Message for My Daughters

Any love that is dependent on something—when the thing ceases, the love also ceases. But a love that is not dependent on anything never ceases.

– Ethics of Our Fathers, 5:16

I recently had my second child and now find myself in a new role as the mother of two daughters. When I look at my daughters, I see pure love and goodness. But then I watch the news and see people divided because of their political beliefs, and others committing horrible hate crimes because of religion and race. And I can’t help but wonder, how can I make sure that my daughters, who live in an atmosphere that is so intolerant of difference, maintain their pure love and innocence? How can I keep them from becoming pessimistic or hateful themselves? As a mom, of course I want my children to be healthy and happy; but above all else, I want them to love others despite their differences in opinion, religion, and skin color.

I often wonder how people can get so angry, so deep in their own convictions that they become deaf to anything that may differ or deviate from their beliefs. I’ve often been told that I’m way too open minded, listening to others’ perspectives so openly and receptively that they become my own. Maybe that comes from the intense training and practice I’ve had in actively listening to others in order to really hear them, not to merely respond. Maybe it’s because I was brought up in a big city with parents who didn’t necessarily speak to me about respecting others, but modeled it for me through their own actions. They treated everyone equally, from what I remember, never discriminating against others because they were different from us.

The conviction I hold deepest is that I don’t know what the ultimate truth is. I don’t have all the answers about what will make this country better, or which religion is the right one; I just know what I personally believe. Recognizing this humbles me and allows me to be more accepting of others’ differences. All of us are just trying to navigate this world with our own personal truths, trying our very best with what we know. So often, acts of hatred are a reaction to fear and anxiety that someone is encroaching upon our truth. Hate is fueled with uncertainty; when we feel unworthy of love, we have to blame our pain on a group of people we deem even less worthy. But when we’re secure in our beliefs, conscious of our worth, and aware that we’re truly loved, we can be surrounded by hate and yet never let it puncture our souls. We accept that others have differences, but we can still love those people, feeling secure in our own ideas.

As I raise my daughters in this world, I’ll try my best to show them love and compassion in all situations. When they misbehave, talk back, or break the rules, I’ll lovingly attach a consequence to their actions. I’ll be mindful of how I treat and speak to others, showing equal respect to everyone. I’ll be tolerant of their differing opinions and become open and curious about their ideas. My hope is that if I show my daughters unconditional love and acceptance, they’ll learn to show the same love to others—not seeing difference as a threat, but as a way to add richness to their very existence. It’s beautiful to live in a world filled with so many different philosophies, religions, cultures, and political views; it’s also very scary. But how boring would life be if we all thought the same way? If there was only one truth, there wouldn’t be much to passionately discuss or debate with each other.

I walk around with the belief that most people want what’s best for themselves and others, they just have different opinions about how to get there. It might sound naive, but if we don’t go around thinking others have bad intentions or are out to get us, if we understand that they’re usually coming from a place of love or insecurity, we can open our minds and reduce our inclination to hate. We can open our hearts to accept compassion and empathy. If I’ve learned anything in my years of practice, it’s that you don’t disarm a person with hate and judgment; you disarm them by truly listening without judgment. That’s an act of love that disarms the most volatile of couples and is used effectively by hostage negotiators, too. Most people just want to be heard. They can go to extreme lengths to have a voice, but it doesn’t need to get to the point of violence or verbal assault.

So, as I write this, holding the latest addition to my family, I’m fully aware that change begins with how I act and what decisions I make. I can’t change the world we live in. In fact, I don’t really want to. Every generation carries its own set of problems; all we have control over is how we respond to those problems. This is what I will teach my girls: how to control their own emotional world; how to hold onto love at the same time as their beliefs and values; how to remember that hate and anger are never the answer, and that tolerance and love will always take them further in life.

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Dr. Ilene

How the Inability to Say “No” Can Lead To Health Issues

“There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.”

– Aristotle

My neck was so stiff I could barely move it. I rushed to the closest Urgent Care as tingles ran up and down my arms and fingertips. Touching my neck and shoulders felt like tapping on concrete. I was stiff as a board and on the verge of complete panic. “What is wrong with me?” I wondered. “Do I have some sort of medical condition?” As I sat in the Urgent Care waiting room, I frantically searched Google for reasons why this was happening to me. I was convinced it was time for me to write my will and say goodbye to life as I knew it. But a few minutes later I was in the exam room, getting a full physical examination and hearing from the doctor that there was no medical reason for my robotically stiff muscles. I was baffled. He prescribed me some muscle relaxers and steroids and sent me on my way. But before I walked out the door, he said something that shocked me: “I don’t know what’s going on in your life, but you need to find a way to relax.”

The doctor’s pointed words left me wondering, “Was that whole terrifying ordeal my fault?” “What was going so wrong in my life that I had to take muscle relaxers and steroids to feel like a mobile human being again?” It started to dawn on me: “Maybe I don’t have it all together like I thought I did.” You see, at that time in my life, I believed I was living the right way. I was an agreeable, courteous, and conflict-free person. I was the one who could always be counted on to smooth things over. I was the perfect Mrs. Fixit, and I thought that was how it should be. However, my body’s painful refusal to be flexible was telling me a different story.

My muscles were inflamed, and nobody could find a medical explanation for it. There were no injuries, car accidents, or diseases to blame. So when I left the doctor’s office, I was more confused than when I arrived. As a doctoral student in a mental and behavioral health program, I’d heard of psychosomatic illness: the tendency to experience psychological distress in the form of physical symptoms. However, learning about it is different than experiencing it. I literally couldn’t move my neck. My X-rays showed muscle spasms, and my sonogram showed evidence of muscle inflammation along with a pinched nerve. How is it that stress can wreak such havoc on the body, especially when the mind believes everything’s okay? Did my body know something I didn’t? If so, what was it telling me? How could I help it heal without medication? And what should I do next?

After doing some research, I found out that I wasn’t alone. Study after study suggests that as many as 20% of patients who present to primary care doctors are experiencing physical symptoms with a purely psychological cause. I found that for many people, emotional trauma often manifests as physical symptoms. I made a decision, right then and there, that if there was an emotional reason for my symptoms, I’d find the cure by taking a closer look at my life. I committed to myself that I wouldn’t rely on medication to mask symptoms in my body that could be resolved with emotional healing.

Less Yes and More You

After going to therapy and diving into many inspirational self-help books, I came to see that my health issues were manifesting from my inability to say no. I’d been a yes-person for as long as I could remember; I never wanted to disappoint anyone. But as I got older and my life circumstances started changing, the more I’d say yes to others, the less I’d show up in my own life. I lacked a sense of my own identity; I went through life as a selfless person who was always accommodating others’ needs and wants. I lost myself in my relationships, allowing other people to dictate my actions. This led me to believe that I must act in certain socially acceptable ways, even if those actions were not aligned with what I truly wanted for my life.

By adjusting myself and my internal functioning to keep what I thought were peaceful relationships, I lost a sense of myself. Without a clear sense of self, I based my wellbeing and functioning on others, leaving no room for me. When aspects of ourselves are distanced, denied, or devalued, they’ll always try to make us listen by surfacing as unwanted physical symptoms. I was ignoring myself, and the weight of feeling responsible for others became a burden on my shoulders that manifested as real pain.

Think about it. When you feel bad or anxious about saying no, you’re basically placing others’ feelings and responsibilities on your shoulders. You don’t want to disappoint people, and you certainly don’t want them to be upset with you. What I learned through my medical crisis is that it’s okay to say no and put your needs first; how the other person interprets that is their responsibility. You alone are responsible for your happiness; other people’s happiness isn’t your responsibility.

In putting less yes and more me in my life, I was able to create a more balanced sense of myself. I began to take care of my health by going to get massages, practicing yoga, working on my relationships, and taking care of my emotional wellbeing. By learning how to say no, I’ve allowed myself more time to do the things I enjoy, and I’ve wound up with more energy as well. The more I get to know myself and bring my true nature to the surface, the more at ease my body feels. I only took one muscle relaxer after learning what was going on with my body. I threw out the rest, because I was committed to feeling—even if it was painful. I now understand that muscle tightness in my neck and shoulders is a signal from my body, letting me know I have to take a closer look at my life. I now know that I never again have to numb my internal alert system—and neither do you.

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Dr. Ilene

Combating Commitment Phobia and Relationship Anxiety

Commitment phobia, also known as relationship anxiety, prevents those impacted from it in many different ways. One major and obvious impact is that someone scared of commitment doesn’t remain in relationships for very long. What makes this different from someone who has a desire to be alone and have short-term relationships is that those with this phobia actually want long-term relationships. However, they are so anxious about their relationships that they leave them even when they really don’t want to do so.

Alternatively, this anxiety leads them to refuse to make any stated commitments. Often, someone who has relationship anxiety will leave the relationship if pressed to commit, not because they don’t care for their partner, but because this pressure makes them too anxious to remain.

What Causes Commitment Phobia?

This phobia can result from bad personal experiences or from witnessing a bad relationship. In the latter case, the hostile divorce of parents often plants the seeds of fear. In more detail, sufferers may feel:

• Fear of a relationship ending without warning

• Fears of being in an unhealthy relationship

• Trust issues

Causes of these problems include:

• The aforementioned fears

• Prior experience of having been in an unhealthy relationship

• Unmet childhood needs

• Childhood abuse, trauma, or abandonment

• Childhood attachment problems

• Complicated family dynamics during childhood

Reducing or Eliminating Commitment Phobia and Relationship Anxiety

The most important idea to keep in mind is that the person experiencing commitment phobia has to want to change. Therefore, if you find yourself wanting to commit but can’t, you should first ask yourself if you actually want a long-term relationship. Thanks to what could be called “relationship culture,” there is a lot of external pressure to find and keep a partner. However, if you really don’t want to do this, it’s natural to back away. It’s only a true phobia of commitment if you genuinely want to commit, but can’t bring yourself to do it because of anxiety.

With that said, the key to overcoming relationship anxiety is to want to change. Then, you’ll be willing to work toward the goal of staying in a desired relationship. As with many things concerning the mind and behavior, you are the one who has to actually take the steps to achieve the goal of a long-lasting, stable relationship.

Once you decide that you really want to improve your chances of having a long-term relationship, the next step is to seek counseling. A therapist who is experienced in helping people with commitment issues will have an understanding ear and effective suggestions for improvement. She or he will be able to help you understand the negative things you’ve been telling yourself about relationships and help you create realistic and helpful self-talk.

Psychotherapy can also help you understand the reasons that caused some relationships to unexpectedly end. This help will include training on how to better communicate with a significant other so that you can spot and work on problems before it’s too late.

For those who want a “lighter” form of help, group therapy and self-help books are suggested. These can provide a little boost without the need for ongoing one-on-one sessions.

By taking steps to understand and improve your handling of relationships, you’ll gain self-confidence and lessen your anxiety. Then, you can take steps to start or maintain a relationship that will be rewarding for both you and your partner.

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Dr. Ilene

Nutritional Deficiencies That May Cause Depression

Depression is almost always thought of as a disease of its own, and because of this, psychiatrists often rush to prescribe prescription anti-depressants as part of its treatment. This, however, is not the best first step combating the problem. That’s because depression is also a symptom of several medical issues, so those issues should be ruled out before psychiatric medications are used.

One of the most overlooked causes of depression is nutritional deficiency. The brain and body both need a variety of nutrients, and if they are not present in sufficient quantities, mental and physical problems result. People with clinical depression often show deficiencies in nutrients if they are tested for them.

Top Nutrients to Watch

Vitamin D – The Ultramind Solution author Mark Hyman, MD has noted that vitamin D deficiency is linked to many mental issues, including depression, autism, and dementia. Many other doctors note that this is a common type of deficiency, as well. The amount of vitamin D needed to prevent problems is contentious, but there seems to be no problem with adding reasonable levels of supplementation.

Magnesium – This mineral is needed to help muscles relax, especially after they have been contracted to create motion. Mentally, it helps alleviate anxiety, a condition that often accompanies depression.

Vitamin B Complex – All of the B vitamins are good for mental health, but some are more prominent than others. Vitamin B12 deficiency, for example, was found in over 25 percent of elderly people with severe depression. You should also watch your levels of vitamin B6.

Iron – This mineral is needed in order for your body to make enough red blood cells. Deficiency causes anemia, which in turn can cause depression, lethargy, shortness of breath which can be extreme, and more. The most bio-available form of iron is found in meat.

Folate – Folate, or folic acid, has a strange connection with depression. It can cause anti-depressant medications to fail. This nutrient is also necessary for creating the biochemical co-factors needed for the brain to produce serotonin and dopamine, both of which are important for controlling depression.

Iodine – This deficiency was once rare, but as more people either avoid salt or choose non-iodized versions (such as Himalayan sea salt), it is returning. Iodine is needed for proper thyroid function. Without it, production of thyroid hormone can drop, resulting in hypothyroidism. Depression is often one of the symptoms of this condition.

Carbohydrates – The low-carb craze has been contributing to depression, according to a report from the Indian Journal of Psychiatry. The Journal notes that carbs cause the body to produce insulin, which allows energy into the body and also produces a spike in serotonin and tryptophan. These neurotransmitters are of the “feel good” variety and help lift one’s spirits. Without them, depression results.

When a nutrient deficiency is severe enough to be clinically detected, supplementation is usually needed to correct it. Once levels have been brought solidly into the normal range, a good diet can often keep them there. To find out if you have a nutritional deficiency, get your blood tested. Most nutrient levels can be easily measured in this way.

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Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

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Have a tough time putting yourself first? Still not sure how to take action to live the life you always dreamed of? Check out my latest book, “When It’s Never About You.” – http://amzn.to/2macaur

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene