Ilene S. Cohen's Blog, page 11

Am I Really Doing Good?

“Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time, and always start with the person nearest you.”

– Mother Teresa  

“Am I really doing good?” I wonder, as I sip my latte after another therapy session that I charged quite a bit of money to facilitate. Here I am again, getting ready to write a self-help article from the wisdom I’ve gained through my education and life experience. Sitting behind my desk most of the day, I sometimes truly question whether I’m making any kind of impact at all. And even if I am making a difference, how would I even know it? I guess I can measure my helpfulness by my clients’ feedback and the lovely emails I receive from people expressing gratitude for my writing. I do enjoy knowing that in this big, sometimes crazy world, I can make someone’s life better, even if only in small ways. However, somewhere deep inside, I want to do more; it never feels like enough. What I do on a daily basis falls short of the ways I dreamed of being helpful as a child. I sit in a cozy office typing words into a computer, connecting with people—some of whom are really far, geographically—through the Web. I’m not out there in the trenches, getting my hands dirty, cleaning up beaches, physically feeding the hungry, or visiting the sick. Though I give many donations, fully understanding how fortunate I am, I know that if I’m being honest, sometimes all that charity is my way of reducing guilt, rather than a sincere attempt at doing what’s right.

When I was younger, I had a particular view of what it means to be a good person. I wanted to “rescue” people and save the world. It was a dream of mine to save lives, and to see the people around me happy. “What did you want to save everyone from?” you might be wondering. These days, I’m not exactly sure of that myself. As a child, though, I somehow got the message that people, and the world in general, need some kind of saving. And I believed I was equipped to make that impact. Since I was young, people have come to me to make things better; my own parents started looking to me to have the answers to their issues when I was as young as 8 years old.

For many years, I put my energy into what I thought would make me a good and helpful person. I thought that being good meant always making myself available to the ones I love, even at the cost of my own wellbeing. I put so much energy into other people and their situations, that any failure on their part felt like my fault. It was almost impossible for me to realize that the outcome of someone else’s life was out of my hands. I wasn’t accepting that I simply couldn’t change other people or solve all the word’s problems.

I never want to sound like I’m giving up and taking the easy way out. I never want it to come across as though I’m proclaiming you can’t make a difference anyway, so just spend your time polluting, spend your money in malls instead of donating it, and think only of yourself. But the truth is, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more realistic about what it is that I can do and what possibilities there are for me to do some good, without losing out on having my own life in the process, and without holding my loved ones back from making their own mistakes and living their own lives. If I’m struggling in the trenches, sacrificing myself, how can I be helpful to anyone else? Maybe by living my best life, I’m somehow helping others live theirs. I’ve noticed that sometimes I need to create a little separation in order to have a clear mind about what might actually be good for others and the world. Perhaps my contribution is exactly what I’m doing now, and that’s okay.

I might not be cleaning up all the pollution in the world, but I am limiting my carbon footprint by recycling and being conscious of what I buy. Having the opportunity to make a living and contribute to society shouldn’t be something I feel guilty about. Sure, it would be awesome to do my work for free—and sometimes I do—but that’s not the world we live in, and that kind of sacrifice isn’t always necessary in order to do good. I can’t help guide anyone if I’m not assigning value to what I have to offer.

So, am I actually doing any good? Should I be feeling guilty about all of the helping I’m not doing? I think that everyone does good in their own way; we all try our very best. Sometimes worrying and doing too much actually makes things worse. And it may not be a good idea to just do things to feel less guilty or anxious. The way I see it, we make our best contributions when what we do is an expression of who we are instead of a way to prove that we’re good. So yes, I think I am doing some good—and so are you. Could I be doing more? Probably. Could I be doing less? For sure. All I know is that I’ll be continuing to ask myself these questions and keeping myself in check, to make sure that what I do has value. And I’m going to keep working at not feeling guilty about having a good life when so many others don’t have it as good. Instead, I’ll empathize and understand that each one of us has our own unique journey, and I’ll keep lending my best advice to anyone willing to listen.

Are you doing good? I would love to hear the different ways that you contribute to the world around you.

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

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Want to learn more about feeling good enough for life? Check out my new book, “It’s Within You.” https://amzn.to/2Y3i7Yr

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Parenting Is Not for The Weak

As the school security guard eagerly tried to wave me onto the school grounds, for what was probably the 10th time, I wondered where my mind had gone. My toddler screamed for me to open the car window, even though it was raining, and my frazzled nerves reminded me that I was operating on a total of 4 hours of sleep. I drifted off to a faraway land free of kids’ screams and sticky fingers. Suddenly, I was jolted back into my current reality by the angry stares of the security guard. “Crap,” I thought, as I begrudgingly left the peaceful place in my reverie. “This whole parenting thing isn’t for the weak.”

Some days I feel like I’m training for the Olympics. I wake before the sun rises. I lift. I run. I go  crazy amounts of time without sitting. I’m bulking up and becoming a machine, but I have no idea what I’m being trained for. Maybe I should have done all of this work before I had kids. Set an alarm every 2 hours to prep for the sleep deprivation. Had someone follow me to the bathroom and scream, “Mom!!!!!” at me every 5 seconds. Stood up while I ate and drank my coffee while a timer ticked away the seconds. Practiced doing everything with one hand. Trained to win the gold medal of diaper changes.

Before I had kids, I thought I was a hard worker. I thought I was mentally strong and could handle just about anything. But I’m much humbler now, as I cry for sleep and get bossed around by a toddler on a daily basis. My body aches from carrying around a 16-pound baby, picking her up and taking her out of the crib, lifting the stroller and car seat, constantly chasing her so she doesn’t break her head open.

As the days pass me by in a fog, I remind myself of everything I have to be grateful for. I tell myself that this was a choice, that it will all pass fairly quickly. I remind myself to enjoy the moments of laughter and snuggles, even if my eyelids are heavy, my back is aching, and I’m starving waiting until the next nap so I can eat.

“How do people do it?” I often wonder, as I try to get my daughter in the shower while she screams like I’m murdering her. My baby crawls towards something dangerous, yet again; I swiftly pick her up and catch a warm glance and smile. There it is! That smile! That’s how people do it. When my toddler isn’t throwing a tantrum, she’s actually pretty pleasant and quite hilarious to be around. I laugh with her like I’ve never laughed before. Parenting isn’t for the weak, but it is worth it. All the training and hard work are for those priceless moments of joy. For the hugs you get when you pick them up from school. For seeing the world with fresh and curious eyes again. For getting to be a mentor, and growing into the best self you can be.

If I didn’t have kids, my life probably would’ve been a lot easier and, let’s face it, more affordable. But does easier mean better? Does having the luxury of showering alone or going to dinner without needing a babysitter make for a better life? Not necessarily. As a mom, I’ve been challenged in ways I never could have imagined. Some days I’d like to give up. But then I remember that this is all part of raising a family and having the most important relationships of my life flourish. I remind myself of why I wanted to have kids in the first place, and I’m able to go on. I have respect for anyone who’s a parent, even those who do the bare minimum. It isn’t for the weak, it isn’t for just anyone; it’s for the big hearted, the patient, and those who are a bit insane. It’s for those who can tolerate true sleep deprivation and maintain their composure in the midst of total meltdowns, allowing that warm, innocent, selfless love consume to them.

I often ask myself: If I could go back in time, would I do it again? The answer is always yes. Either I’m a little delusional from not sleeping since 2013, or despite it all, I’m happy with my choice. That very thought gets me through the tough moments and difficult days. Having a family is like training for the hardest sport in the Olympics. But it’s not a medal we’re training for; it’s getting the growth and maturity to build families we’re proud to call our own.

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

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Check out my new book, “It’s Within You.” https://amzn.to/2Y3i7Yr

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

 

Good Enough for Life

“When the soul is starved for nourishment, it lets us know with feelings of emptiness, anxiety, or yearning”

– The Rebbe

 You’re struggling, burnt out, anxious and overwhelmed about daily life. You dive into projects and check tasks off your list, trying to climb your way up to the next level of success. Ironically, you somehow still never feel like enough, no matter how many achievements you acquire. It seems you’re always working on something else, yet you never feel satisfied. You feel empty, numb, like no one understands you. You yearn for the sweet taste of approval, all the while disconnecting from yourself and the world around you.

You wonder, when will the accomplishment of your goals make your life feel complete? When will you experience the warmth of true happiness instead of the uncomfortable sensitivity to the people and world around you. When will you stop living only to prove yourself?

I think we can all relate to feeling this way at some point in our lives. I know I can. For a long time, I did everything I could to prove that I was worth something. To know that I was approved of and worthy. To prove to my father that I was smart enough. To prove to my family that I was worthy of their praise and love. To prove to random strangers that I was intelligent and special.

Looking everywhere but inside myself for my worth, it never once occurred to me to look in the mirror. I could never have imagined that I was put here for a purpose. I never considered that I was worthy just as I am. It took me a long time to realized that stripped of my makeup, degrees, designer clothes, and approving glances, I am enough.

My problems with perfectionism, anxiety, and estranged relationships all had the same root cause. There was once core issue that was running me and my life, wreaking havoc on my relationships with others and myself. When I was down, I tried everything to change my life on the outside. I perfected my work, did everything I could to be pleasing in my relationships, dieted constantly, changed my hair, and jumped into one new relationship after another, all in an effort to have a better life. In a small way, all those changes made me feel better in the short-term; but the comfort they offered never lasted. As soon as I heard a disapproving comment or didn’t receive praise at work, I was right back to where I started. The rambling thoughts, the emptiness and weight of feeling worthless, all rushed back faster than ever before.

What I came to understand is that no matter how many times I worked on changing the world around me, I still didn’t feel good at my core. Changing everything on the outside did nothing to change what I thought of myself on the inside. I was looking outside myself for all the answers, when all along, the answers were within me.

Whether it’s society’s pressure, our culture, or the drive to try and make everyone happy around us, we all face obstacles to going deeper within our reality. This can leave us feeling unfulfilled, anxious, and depressed, searching for meaning outside ourselves, and trying anything to develop a real connection. Many of us feel that money or fame will fulfill us. We believe the story sold to us that building a company, finding a perfect partner, having a great career, or traveling the world will lead us to true happiness. We search all over for that peaceful sense of fulfillment, and we struggle to find it. Because it’s not outside ourselves; it’s within us. Once we understand this very concept, we can finally become good enough for life. We can finally start seeking approval from the only person who matters: ourselves.

This is precisely what my new book is about. It’s a detailed roadmap to igniting deeper self-worth, richer relationships, and greater personal freedom. Below I will summarize what it takes to finally feel good enough for life, borrowed from the ideas in my latest book, It’s Within You.

Become an Observer of Your Own Life — Begin feeling good enough by becoming an observer of your own life. Instead of acting without thinking, or doing whatever feels good in the moment, wait and observe yourself in your environment. Pay close attention to your body, and notice whatever urges and reactions arise within; during this time, aim to observe your life from a more objective standpoint. Become curious and open-minded, like a journalist exploring a new land. Whenever you feel the need to impulsively react to a situation, slow down and asked yourself, “What would I like to do in response to this situation?” Take a pause and check in with yourself.
Understand Our Fundamental Need to Live from Within — Use a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being the least and 10 being the most, to rate how much of your life is lived from within. When you don’t live from within, your emotions fluctuate a lot; you never know what will agitate you from one minute to the next. You don’t feel in control of your life, and you can’t regulate your feelings. If you start to live more from within, your moods won’t fluctuate as much, and you’ll be able to enjoy a nice day, even if things don’t go your way.
Know the True You — Do you have the bad habit of telling people what they want to hear, instead of being upfront and honest with your thoughts? This form of people-pleasing will ultimately negatively affect your relationships. Make an effort to become more aware of the things you think, say, or do to gain acceptance from others. Hiding from your true self is a heavy burden for anyone to carry. You won’t feel close to many people, and casual interactions with others will leave you feeling drained. It takes a lot of energy to constantly play a role and try to make others happy with you. In fact, most people who go down the road of seeking worthiness from outside sources become completely exhausted by the constant need to satisfy their unquenchable desire for worthiness. When they get burnt out by it, different areas of their lives begin to fall apart. Start noticing that the more you try to be accepted by people, the more you push them away. By becoming aware of how your desire to be accepted began, and by seeing how much of what you say is inauthentic, you’ll have an easier time speaking the truth.
Your Power Space — Do you regularly become reactive, yelling and threatening anyone who upsets you, but have no idea why? It’s time to explore the powerful effect offinding the space between stimulus and response by practicing slowing down your responses until you gain more clarity, at which point you can choose a much healthier response. Are you particularly sensitive to any form of perceived criticism? Do you blow up and get defensive? Start to slow down your inner processing system whenever you experience real or perceived criticism. This gives you the space you need to choose how you want to feel about the situation, instead of falling into an instinctive reaction. Your reactions may be coming from a place of inadequacy, based on assumptions rather than facts. You might be confusing what you think of a particular situation with the actual truth. If you don’t slow down, you’ll continue to overreact to situations and make unhelpful judgements. By giving yourself space to assess one situation at a time, you will be free to bring your rational mind into the picture and come up with more helpful responses.
Your Influential Power — Become capable of loving yourself and being in relationship with others, without needing to always do and say what they want. We can’t reach any depth with others that we haven’t reached within ourselves, and that self-acceptance isn’t something that happens only when you’re perfect. The more you accept and love yourself, flaws included, the more capable you’ll be of accepting and loving others, even with their faults. Work on staying focused on others’ needs as well as your own, even when others are disapproving or critical of you. Find a way to respect others, without necessarily feeling like you need to give in to their demands. Let people know that you appreciate their input, but you can make your own decisions.
The Benefits of Delaying Gratification — Are you the king or queen of using temporary forms of instant gratification to ease discomfort, regardless of the consequences? Do you desperately want to learn how to tolerate the uneasiness you feel whenever you delay gratification in order to achieve an important goal? Is it important for you to practice resisting urges to drink excessively or overeat? Are you living for approval, choosing short-term comforts instead of delaying gratification for a greater goal? If you answered yes to any of these questions, it’s time to get clearer about your goals and tap into the fundamental value of living life with a long-term outlook, instead of seeking short-term gain. It’s time to start moving away from your urge to seek comfort now, in order to receive a better reward later. Continue to identify moments when you really want to do something that you know won’t benefit you in the future. In those moments, call to mind your long-term goals, which will help you avoid satisfying your desires in the moment. The more you sit with your discomfort, the easier it will get to resist temptation. You’ll begin to see your life unfold in the ways you always wanted it to, simply by resisting impulses. If you’ve always wanted more for yourself, slow down and take a closer look at yourself, and your vision for YOU will materialize.
Living Intentionally — Living from within means living more intentionally. Most of us live on autopilot, reacting to our circumstances instead of making decisions based on our long-term goals and values. This leads us to be discontent, never satisfied, unaware of why we aren’t happy. If you want to live from within, keep making decisions based on what will make you happy, instead of basing your happiness on outside circumstances. Work on knowing your true intentions, so you can start living a more fulfilling life that aligns with your values. This shift will improve your health, relationships, and life in extraordinary ways. Write a list of your beliefs and values to refer back to whenever you feel lost or impulsive. By having a purpose and making decisions more intentionally, you’ll finally take ownership of your life. Feeling healthy, knowing your worth, managing your emotions effectively, and enjoying your personal relationships are what living good enough for life is all about.

Sometimes we think we know what will make us happy and feel good enough, but we’re mistaken. We’re so sure our unhappiness would be resolved if only we could make more money or find the right partner; but in reality, those things wouldn’t do it either. By slowing down, becoming more aware, looking within, and responding versus reacting to life, we’re able to connect with our true intentions, and finally feel good enough for life.

Want to learn more about feeling good enough for life? Check out my new book, “It’s Within You.” https://amzn.to/2Y3i7Yr

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Choosing Your Freedom

Written by: Rabbi Aryeh Weinstein

“If you want total security, go to prison. There you’re fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking… is freedom.”

– Dwight D. Eisenhower

Isn’t it interesting that G-d commands the Jewish people to recall a specific historical event on a daily basis? The reason is that past events are far more than just historical; they repeat themselves in our daily lives. Why does G-d want us to remember, every single day of our lives, the day the Jewish people left Egypt? Because the journey of the Jewish people from the slavery of Egypt to the freedom of the Promised Land is the journey every single one of us is supposed to go through in our lives. This is the paradigm of the human journey. It’s the path that anyone who wants to live freely must travel. Without the willingness to travel this path, we’ll remain in a perpetual state of victimhood and servitude to our desires, to other people’s control, and to the circumstances of life.

The human journey involves leaving the slavery of a body-oriented life for the freedom of a soul-oriented life. The body is subjective; it enslaves us in its paranoia about the self-worth it lacks. The soul is clear; it carries no bias or subjectivity and, therefore, exists freely without the burden of fear. It can be dedicated to its values without being weighed down or slowed down by external sources. This may give you a much greater appreciation for why we’re given a holiday called Passover. It’s actually an eight-day annual workshop intended for us to realign ourselves onto the path of living freely.

After the Jews left Egypt during their 40 years in the desert, they often complained to Moses and asked to go back. It might seem baffling that they would ever want to go back to enslavement, but, in fact, they had a very good reason for it. It’s much easier to live a life that never requires you to take responsibility. When you live this way, you can always blame your captors for your misfortune. Plus, there’s a certain level of safety and predictability that comes with knowing your circumstances.

When you’re not moving forward in life or taking risks in order to grow, things tend to remain the same. It’s the easier approach to life. This is why people often choose to remain powerless rather than take responsibility for their lives. To be free, we need to enter into undiscovered new lands and take responsibility for how we make things work. This requires far more effort. Of course, the reward is commensurate with that effort, but many people simply don’t want to do it. They’ll choose enslavement over doing what it takes to win their freedom.

Our constant desire to gain acceptance from those around us is our way of living in Egypt, enslaved by what other people think about us and dependent on them for our self-worth. Freedom comes when we make the courageous choice to find our worthiness from within, knowing that we’re inherently valuable no matter what others think, or how we perform, or where we stand on the social ladder.

For example, many parents take it as their responsibility to tell their children what to do and how to do it. “You shouldn’t wear that.” “You should act this way.” “That’s not how you do it.” While a parents’ job is to teach their children, when they make every decision for them and make commands instead of suggestions, they train them to disown their lives and just follow orders. This way of thinking follows many of us into adulthood. It shows up often in our intimate partner relationships. When we’re met with constant disapproval from a spouse, for example, the easiest thing to do is resign ourselves to their will. We often hear people say, “It’s no use arguing. My spouse always knows better.” But part of owning our lives and becoming free is sharing our light with the world. When you encounter a difference of opinion with your spouse, you can simply say, “While I know this is the way you think it should be done, this is the way I’m choosing to do it.” This doesn’t mean you’re picking a fight; you’re simply doing what you truly feel is best.

Slavery Versus Freedom

You may have heard of Natan Sharansky, a refusenik who lived in the Soviet Union and was denied a visa to leave the country. Sharansky was a strong-willed man, and the Soviets had a hard time breaking him. Whenever they tried, they sent two officials to question him so that he wouldn’t develop any kind of relationship with either of them. Since both officials knew they were being watched by the other, they were careful not to do anything out of line. This is classic behavior by people in countries controlled by fear.

Once, when he was being interrogated, Sharansky repeatedly interrupted the officers, saying he wanted to share a joke with them. Finally, they paused long enough to allow him to tell it. His joke went like this: “Brezhnev, the former premier of the Soviet Union, wasn’t known to be a very intelligent man. During the Cold War, in his attempt to outdo the Americans, he called in his Russian cosmonauts and told them, ‘We must outdo the Americans. We’re going to be the first country to send cosmonauts to the sun.’ They told him, ‘Don’t you realize that before we even get halfway there, we’ll have burned up by the heat of the sun?’ Premier Brezhnev replied, ‘Do you think I’m a fool and didn’t think of that? We’ll send you at night!’”

After Sharansky finished the joke, he began to laugh wholeheartedly. He then looked at his interrogators and said, “I’d like to ask you a question. I’m the prisoner, yet I can sit here and laugh at this joke. Meanwhile, the two of you are the free ones, yet each of you is terrified to laugh in front of the other one. So, I wonder, which of us is really the prisoner?” This is a powerful testimony to the meaning of a truly free life. If we live in constant fear of being ourselves, unsure of what others will think or say, we’re far from free. Rather, we’re enslaved by our own insecurities. Only after we go through the process of learning to live life beginning within can we become free people.

Want to learn more about choosing your freedom? Check out my latest book, co-authored by the well-respected Rabbi Aryeh Weinstein,  https://amzn.to/2CXHx1A

How to Manage Your Emotions and Live an Intentional Life

“If I am I because I am I, and you are you because you are you, then I am I and you are you. But, if I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I, then I am not I and you are not you.”

 – R’ Menachem Mendel of Kotzk

To live with intention, it’s vital to determine your own inner emotional state first. I don’t have to tell you that it can be a rough world out there. So, it should come as no surprise that there are many different approaches people take to deal with the challenges that come their way. Some of us become intimidated by people who are rougher, and we back away in order to make room for them. Others do quite the opposite; they develop their own rough stance, ensuring that they don’t get pushed around by others. Some of us are sensitive to certain situations, so we avoid them altogether; others develop thick skin so that those situations won’t hurt or bother them. However, when we go through life reacting to our circumstances, it’s impossible for us to be guided by our intentions.

When I was in my early 20s, I was very intimidated by other people. If anyone became loud, or voiced an opinion that was different from mine, I’d quickly back off. I didn’t have the inner courage or knowledge of my self-worth to stand up to people who showed a strong presence and were willing to bully or intimidate me. At that time, I understood that I had only one of two choices: (1) become less sensitive by developing thicker skin and learning not to care or be concerned about the things and people around me, or (2) remain sensitive and thin-skinned, knowing that I can’t step into arenas that are too rough for my sensitive personality. Though I didn’t particularly like either of these choices, I truly believed they were the only ones I had.

As I got older and began to educate myself, I realized that neither being overly-sensitive nor being thick-skinned is the intentional way to deal with difficult situations or people. For example, I considered the salesman who commits himself to selling, even if he receives many rejections for every sale he makes. Not only does he get turned down numerous times, some of the rejections are harsh, insensitive, and insulting. How would you coach the salesman to remain intentional, despite the challenge of this enormous amount of rejection? Some people may tell him, “You have to develop thick skin so that the comments won’t bother you. If they insult you, insult them right back. Show them you can be just as nasty as they are.” Others may tell him, “Get out of sales. It’s not for sensitive people like you. To be a good salesman, you need to be able to handle rejection without letting it affect you. If you’re this bothered by rejection, you’re in the wrong line of work.” As I see it, neither of those approaches offers proper coaching for the salesman. The first one advises him to lower his standards, and the second encourages him to avoid the problem. Neither of those solutions will provide the salesman with an opportunity to act intentionally and respond in ways that better align with his core values and beliefs.

When we’re sensitive, we can easily fall into avoidant or reactive behaviors, as we find ourselves susceptible to being taken advantage of by others’ insensitivity. When this happens, we suddenly find ourselves compromised. We might end up feeling weak and vulnerable because of our sensitive nature. To spare ourselves this vulnerability, we move to protect ourselves and wind up reacting with the same kind of insensitive behavior we were trying to avoid in the first place. To some extent, this might serve to avoid some hurt feelings. It might lead us to draw the conclusion that if we become tougher, put up a front, or avoid our feelings altogether, we’ll get hurt less. We might also decide to simply avoid people and circumstances that exploit our vulnerability. But with both of these approaches, we change ourselves to react to our circumstances in this sometimes harsh world; neither one exemplifies living with intention.

Keeping all of this in mind, there’s an intentional approach that allows us to determine our own emotional state and respond to situations without having to change our values and goals in the process. It’s also a way to reveal our personal inner power. This approach won’t just serve a salesman much better, it will serve all of us in living through purpose. Be warned, it’s not the easiest approach; but it’s the most effective and rewarding by far. First of all, it’s important to remember that sensitivity is a great virtue, not a weakness. Being sensitive to others is important for our relationships; it helps us remain connected to the people around us. Now imagine there was a way to remain sensitive to others without being easily wounded by their insensitivities. Imagine you could learn not to run away and avoid problems, while also not resorting to the inappropriate behaviors others display. Well, this is possible when we learn to take full responsibility for our feelings. Once we do, we experience the power and freedom of being in control of the way others impact us.

When someone can say something hurtful to us and it doesn’t ruin our day, that’s when we know we’re in control of how we feel. We can get so tied up in what others say and do that we lose ourselves in the process. But instead of resorting to reactivity, we can take people’s hurtful words and actions less personally and change the way we respond to the hurt that may echo inside us. This is what it means to live intentionally.

The art of being able to interact with people by staying connected and managing our emotions is the mark of a person who lives with true intention. Intentional people don’t live through reaction and fear merely because they’re highly affected by the behaviors of the people around them. Rather, they determine their inner emotional state and how they respond to others based on their values. When we answer people from intention, maintaining our objectivity, we can see how quickly people change the way they talk to us. When we don’t react to others based on our own anxiety and fears, we have a better chance of reaching them in a different way. So, how do we learn to do this? We start by choosing to answer people intentionally in every situation we encounter. When we dedicate ourselves to changing the way we function throughout the course of each day, we learn to more wisely choose our responses to the world around us.

Did you enjoy reading this article?

Once a week I send out a newsletter with new articles and unique content for readers. It is my way of staying in touch with you and giving you free advice based on some important topics.

Click here to sign up for my newsletter.

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Take the Quizz – Assess The Status of Your Self-Worth

This quiz has 22 True or False questions that will allow you to assess the status of your self-worth. Read each statement and consider how much it corresponds with how you feel. Your answers should reflect your personal experience. Don’t judge your responses, just answer authentically as you go. Remember, these are True or False questions, so mark a T or F for every response.

1. It’s very important for me to be liked by everyone I meet.

2. I feel uncomfortable around successful and confident people.

3. I’m not a very worthwhile person.

4. I find myself doing more for others, even feeling used at times, so that people will like me.

5. I’m not as valuable as anyone else.

6. The need for approval from others comes before how I feel about myself.

7. I don’t have many unique qualities.

8. I have more unpleasant feelings about myself than I do pleasant ones.

9. Overall, I feel like a failure.

10. I wish I had someone else’s life.

11. Thinking I may have to confront someone makes me feel uneasy, and sometimes I get physically sick over it.

12. It’s very difficult for me to express myself.

13. I don’t like myself when others reject me.

14. I have to give all of myself in order to receive love.

15. I do a lot to try to make others happy, including ignoring my own needs.

16. I’m very sensitive to others’ comments.

17. I should never let people disapprove of my actions.

18. I sometimes feel like love is a transaction, and I’m “buying” my friends by always doing things for them.

19. I’m only as worthy as the amount of money I have in my bank account.

20. I know I do something right when I get praise from others.

21. I do things even if they don’t fall in line with my personal values.

22. I always accept the latest trends.

Scoring Your Answers

So, are you getting your worthiness from within or without? And how is this affecting your life? To find out, generate your total score by counting the number of times you marked True for your answer. Then read the section that corresponds with your score.

• Between 16 and 22: If your score falls in this range, you’re getting your sense of worthiness from without. Living this way significantly affects your ability to live your own life, find your purpose, and have fulfilling relationships. It’s time to start making changes in your life so you can finally feel good enough!

• Between 10 and 15: If your score falls in this range, your sense of worthiness sometimes comes from within and other times from without, depending on the situation. This is enough to affect your life in a negative way. It’s important for you to address this pattern, because it could become worse over time.

• Between 5 and 9: If you fall in this range, you’re probably maintaining some good relationships, and your life hasn’t been significantly affected by feeling a lack of internal worthiness. You have the strength and resilience to know you’re worthy, regardless of your external circumstances. Keep in mind that scoring in this range reveals you still have some tendencies to seek worthiness outside yourself, which could create some downfalls in your life. Keep building on your internal strength in an effort to bring down your score.

• 4 or less: If your score is in this range, you have a strong sense of worthiness that comes from within. However, it wouldn’t hurt to identify when you do seek approval from the outside, so that it doesn’t progress. This is a great time to create more self-awareness and learn some new tools that could spare you trouble down the road.

No Pain, No Gain

Living Life with a Long-Term Outlook Instead of Seeking Short-Term Gain

We all wish we could live a life of pleasure and bliss, free of pain, worry, or anxiety. And, of course, we tend to wish the same for our children and other loved ones. As we evolve, most of us learn that there’s no escape from hardship in our own lives; but despite knowing this, we still hope that through our ability to control so much of our loved ones’ lives, we can at least protect them from the many challenges we’ve encountered in our own lives.

The truth is, there’s no way of protecting anyone from the challenges of life. What we really need to understand is that even if we could, it wouldn’t benefit us or them. Why? Because without challenges, we don’t develop or grow. For example, if children don’t rise and fall, and rise and fall again, they never learn how to walk. To learn any subject, we must go through the discomfort of study. Only one who has gone through the effort of raising a child can experience the satisfaction of those efforts. Only through extreme dedication and hard work can a student become a doctor. Only through trial and error, which sometimes even affects other people’s lives, can the doctor become even better. Only those who have suffered a loss can truly console someone experiencing the same. There are deep levels of emotional and intellectual wisdom that we only receive by going through difficult experiences.

No pain, no gain is a difficult truth we’d rather ignore. Yet it holds true. The best way to dispel darkness is with a ray of light. The best way to dispel fear is by looking it in the eye. The best way to look at a challenge is to ask, “What potential opportunity lies behind this?” The world is constructed in such a fashion that the opportunity always lies behind the challenge, and the pain always comes before the gain.

If you have children, work with kids, or have them in your family and want to make them happy, practice teaching them how to respond to challenges rather than protecting them from those challenges. Challenges are one of the greatest sources of potential growth and satisfaction. The more that we protect our youth, the more difficulty they’ll face when they encounter things we can’t protect them from. The more we guide and encourage our kids, the more independent and capable they’ll become. I don’t keep my kids from cooking because they might burn themselves; I encourage them to cook while observing them from behind. I don’t protect my kids from carrying a glass bowl; I encourage them to do so carefully. If the lesson costs me a $15 bowl, it’s the least expensive tutor I’ve ever hired for a lesson that will last a lifetime. There’s no greater teacher than experience. I’d never let my kids do things that would put them in real danger, and I make sure to protect them from experiences that I assess to be beyond their ability to handle. But there’s a big difference between assessing real danger and limiting our children because of our own fears.

There’s a story about a man watching a butterfly trying to squeeze out of a cocoon. After a few hours, the butterfly stopped moving. Feeling compassion for the poor butterfly, which seemed to be stuck, the man pulled a knife from his pocket and cut open the cocoon. The butterfly emerged very easily, but had a withered body and shriveled wings; it was unable to fly. What the man, with all his kind intentions, didn’t know was that the tiny, restrictive opening in the cocoon is a way of forcing fluid from the butterfly’s body to its wings so that it would be healthy and fly. Things that come without effort aren’t an achievement, or don’t have much meaning for us. When we put forth effort, it’s impossible for nothing to be achieved. The bottom line is that we must exert effort.

This takes us to the fundamental value of living life with a long-term outlook instead of seeking short-term gain. Anyone who invests in the market long-term will always come out with a gain. It’s those who become scared when the market drops and sell out of fear who always lose. Offering ourselves immediate comfort by taking the shortcut to avoid pain ends up costing us significantly down the road. Our shortcuts render us unprepared for life.

Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski shares an insight that he learned from lobsters. Lobsters are soft animals that live inside rigid shells that don’t expand; yet somehow, lobsters still grow. As they get bigger, the lobsters’ shells become very confining, and they begin to feel pressured and uncomfortable. So, as nature would have it, they go under rock formations to protect themselves from predatory fish, cast off their shells, and produce new ones. Eventually, the new shells become uncomfortable as the lobsters continue to grow; so once again, they discard their shells and produce larger ones, repeating this process many times throughout their lifespan.

The stimulus for a lobster’s growth is its discomfort.  If lobsters avoided this discomfort, they’d never grow. Then they’d never cast off their restrictive shells and be able to grow new ones that serve them better. From the lobster we can learn to realize that times of stress are opportunities for growth, and if we use adversity properly, it can help us thrive.

I leave you with this question. Next time you experience a hardship or challenge in your life, will you get distracted by your attempt to understand why it happened and protest how unfair it is, or will you focus on what you can do with the experience by noticing the opportunity for growth it’s offering you?

Did you enjoy reading this article?

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Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

 

Preface – It’s Within You

PREFACE

“When the soul is starved for nourishment, it lets us know with feelings of emptiness, anxiety, or yearning”

– The Rebbe

“You’ve got to get your life together!” How many times have you heard these words, or said them to yourself, when feeling frustrated? Maybe it was said to you, or maybe you’ve yelled it to someone you love. Perhaps your parents said it to you in a moment of anger. Or maybe, in your anxiety about one of your own children’s inability to launch into adulthood, you’ve said it or thought it on what feels like a million occasions.

It’s possible you bought this book with the intention of giving it to someone who should probably get their act together. If that’s the case, we’re sure you’re coming from a place of real caring; the problem, however, is that when we’re so focused on others, we can end up with a major blind spot that doesn’t let us see the changes we need to make within ourselves. Most of us think that if only the people in our lives would change, we’d be able to move happily forward with our lives. It’s easier to think that if we can get people to change—or avoid certain difficult people altogether—we’ll be free to have the problem-free life we envision for ourselves.

We’ve found that this path of pushing others to change doesn’t deliver long-lasting happiness or fulfillment. If every time we encounter a new drama in our relationships, we blame others or try to change them, we’ll end up pretty disappointed. We might become resentful when we try to help others and they don’t improve; or, instead, we might cut the people who disappoint us completely out of our lives. Real change takes place when we learn to observe ourselves in our relationships and appreciate that problems don’t come from other people, but rather from the connections between us. Understanding that we play a part in contributing to the problems we face isn’t exactly the easiest realization; few of us like to think we could benefit from making changes. However, when we’re willing to be honest with ourselves and work on the only part of our relationships and lives that we can actually change, the benefits—for ourselves and others—are endless.

This book addresses a big question: Are you willing to take a good look at yourself and make changes, instead of insisting that others need to change? It may sound like a lot of hard work to fold into your already busy life, but it offers an opportunity to make true, meaningful, and lasting changes. Imagine living with control over your emotions, your responses to others, and your life in general—a life that isn’t dictated by your circumstances, but instead ruled by how you decide to view and live it.

Stepping Up to the Challenge

We want you to know that we don’t take commitment for change lightly. We’re fully aware of how difficult it is to recognize that you need to work on yourself; and we know it’s even harder to actually make meaningful and productive changes, even when you’re aware of the potential they have to benefit you. In our efforts to write and teach the concepts in this book, we’ve come to understand that the journey of making your own changes is transformative, as long as you commit to the process. We also recognize that this is by no means an easy process. There may be times when you feel that you aren’t making significant progress; please don’t let that stop you. Sometimes we have to take a few steps back before we can move forward.

It’s also important to keep in mind that this book isn’t just a bunch of concepts for you to learn; it’s meant to offer a new way of thinking—one that comes from traditional Jewish ideas and a family therapy model known as Bowen Family Systems Theory. However, the book isn’t intended for an exclusively Jewish or psychology-minded audience; anyone can apply the ideas contained within it. Our intention is to give grounded and practical advice that anyone can benefit from considering. We occasionally reference G-d, Jewish figures, and psychology research to support our position, as we believe this adds richness and uniqueness to our message. But if you have a different faith or aren’t religious at all, you can still greatly benefit from the ideas we’re sharing. We merely hope to share with you a way of thinking that can improve your quality of life.

In the different chapters of this book, you’ll experience distinct breakthroughs. Each chapter presents new concepts, with plenty of examples and stories to help you understand why this information is important. However, it’s good to remember that the transformation you’ll experience through this book won’t happen while you’re reading the lesson; it will happen when you put what you’ve learned into practice through the activities at the end of each chapter. These are vital. They don’t take a lot of time, but they will require some introspection. The more thought you give to these activities, the more you’ll get out of them. It’s a well-known fact that change begins with action. You’ll likely find it most helpful to concentrate on one chapter at a time, applying each activity to your life for as long as you believe you’re making meaningful changes.

What’s most important is that you be intentional about applying the concepts without feeling constrained by time. Learning new behaviors takes a lot of patience, persistence, and time; there’s no need to rush. Our hope is that, after learning the different concepts in this book, you’ll see a change in the way you respond to different experiences and people in your life, which will lead you to feel a sense of worth, value, connection, and control over your emotions, so that you see yourself living a life you choose, rather than one you’re merely floating through. We’re confident that you’ll experience significant improvement in your life through this book, because we’ve gone through—and continue to go through—everything we’ll be teaching you.

Stop the Cycle of Bullying

Speaking with your children about bullying isn’t the easiest thing to do when you don’t quite understand bullying yourself. Before you initiate this conversation with your kids, it’s important to brush up on your own knowledge about bullying. Julia Cook, children’s author and parenting expert, says that bullying is any “aggressive, hurtful behavior that involves an imbalance of power.” This can have very serious consequences: kids who are bullied suffer from low self-esteem, depression, and suicidal thoughts, just to name a few. And bullying doesn’t just happen in the hallways at school. In fact, the real breeding ground for bullying is in our very own households.

Dr. Fran Walfish—Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist, author of “The Self-Aware Parent” and regular expert child psychologist on The Doctors, CBS TV-explains that bullies are typically created at home, as they’re bullied by close family members, which is where their rage and cruel behavior stems from. “All bullies carry a secret that they personally have been the target of bullying, mistreatment, and mishandling by someone most likely within their family. That important someone is usually their father or mother, and in less frequent instances, an older sibling. Oftentimes, the mistreatment is abusive—emotionally or physically. The child who is the victim in his own family cannot hold or contain the hostility and his rage, becoming the bully. He goes to school or out in the world and looks for an easy target. Then, he expels his hostilities onto another innocent victim. It is a vicious cycle.”

As Dr. Fran mentioned, kids are sometimes bullied in their own homes by their siblings, even though it isn’t as frequent as being bullied by a parent. This type of bullying can have detrimental effects on the victims, as seen in recent research from the University of Warwick. This study explored the link between sibling bullying and the development of psychotic disorders by assessing approximately 3,600 individuals over the course of six years. Upon the researchers’ assessment, they found that kids who are bullied by their siblings are up to three times more likely to develop a psychiatric disorder during adulthood.

What can be done about this? Try and keep sibling bullying out of your home and watch for these four warning signs of sibling bullying, identified by Dr. Fran:

The child has expressed fear of being alone with their sibling.
They have visible bruises or marks.
The aggressor has verbalized hostilities and/or jealousy.
The aggressor has a fascination with fire or hurting animals.

4 Steps to Address Sibling Bullying

If you’ve observed any of the above signs of sibling bullying, it’s important to take the appropriate steps to address and stop it. Dr. Fran says if you take the following four important steps, you’ll be on your way to creating a happier, healthier home for the whole family:

Have an open discussion about equal love and zero tolerance for violence.
Define acceptable and unacceptable behavior within your family.
Set clear, firm rules and consequences for unacceptable behavior.
Establish quality time with each child individually to build upon trust and bonding.

About the Author:  Taylor Bennett is a staff writer at Thriveworks and publishes mental health news and self-improvement tips daily. She is devoted to distributing important information related to mental health and wellbeing.

 

Introduction – It’s Within You

INTRODUCTION

Written By: Ilene S. Cohen, Ph.D.

“The keys to liberation are clenched tightly in the fists of our own egos.”

– Tzvi Freedman, Brining Heaven Down to Earth

Pop quiz! What’s the one thing no human on this planet can live without?

If you answered oxygen, you’re correct. We rely on many things for our survival, and the most basic of them is oxygen. You can survive for a few days without water, food, or shelter, but you can’t stay alive for more than a few minutes without oxygen. And it isn’t enough to just breathe oxygen; it has to be clean as well. Yes, we can survive on polluted air, but we pay a hefty price for it in the long run. The absence of clean air to breathe shows up as a significant lack in performance, affecting our focus, energy, and sharpness. It also leads to a variety of illnesses.

While oxygen is necessary for the survival of your physical body, your emotional and spiritual wellbeing relies on what I view as another form of oxygen—something that goes beyond basic survival. It’s the knowledge that you are worthy, invaluable, and indispensable. This knowledge is the oxygen that sustains your mental wellbeing, allowing you to optimize your quality of life. The clearer you are about your inherent value and purpose, the more effectively you can step into your responsibility and fulfill your purpose. Your individual value and worth can never be fulfilled by someone or something else, because they’re part of YOU; they come from your core self, not from outside influences. They come from G-d putting you here for a purpose. This is what makes you inherently worthy. Can there be anything better than realizing your inherent value and no longer needing to seek it from the world around you? We sure don’t think so. For us, that sense of worthiness is priceless.

The less clear we are about our inherent worthiness, the weaker we believe ourselves to be; this affects our determination, resilience, drive, and sense of self. Living with a lack of personal clarity is similar to breathing polluted air. It weakens our performance, affecting our energy and mental clarity. It also creates many forms of emotional pain, discontentment, and loneliness. Sounds pretty detrimental, don’t you think? That’s why we wrote this book: to help you develop a clear understanding so you can start making changes in your life. By taking steps toward change, you can clean your daily intake of oxygen and live in ways that are more congruent with who you’re meant to be. Not only can this help you create a meaningful life, it can also help you cultivate peace, joy, and internal calm.

Seeking Worthiness

There are two essential ways we seek out a sense of worthiness, and the particular path we choose has enormous implications for our quality of life. We either seek worthiness from within, or we seek it from without. When we seek worthiness from within and become aware of our inherent value, we become emotionally and spiritually healthy and strong. Basically, we become unstoppable, only relying on our inherent selves to know who we are and what kind of life we’re meant to live. We become more focused and attuned to our personal purpose and mission. We ultimately become calm and centered creators of our own destiny, living in a world that’s controlled by internal forces rather than external circumstances.

When we seek worthiness from outside ourselves, we depend on the people, things, and circumstances around us to tell us we’re worthy. We become dependent on everything and everyone, hoping they’ll soothe our internal struggle. We worship people, material objects, and financial success like false gods, hoping they’ll provide us with the oxygen we so desperately crave. The great American poet Robert Frost wrote in The Road Not Taken, “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.” Which road will you choose?

The Facts

Just as we must have oxygen to survive, we must also have a sense of worthiness; our emotional and spiritual survival depend on it. And just as the quality of the oxygen we breathe directly affects our physical health, so it is with the quality of our spiritual and emotional oxygen. When our worthiness is based on outside sources, our oxygen source is polluted and we tend to feel unhealthy. Relying on external rewards as motivation keeps us beholden to the people around us. When we can find ways to internally derive our worthiness, we feel better about ourselves and are much less likely to strive for meaningless relationships, stay in jobs we hate, or act in ways that don’t reflect who we truly are.

So now that you understand the importance of internal worthiness, what’s next? Well, first you must distinguish where you get your sense of worthiness from. Is it from external rewards, or does it come from within? Do you sometimes feel a sense of worthiness by just being yourself, but other times feel like you’re not enough when surrounded by certain people? Sometimes it’s hard to answer questions like these, and it’s impossible to be objective about them. Nobody can introspect when there’s so much emotion attached to their ideas of themselves. One easy way to assess where our self-worth comes from is to observe our actions, words, and thoughts. I recommend beginning by taking a close look at your actions. Ask yourself, “Is my life spent reacting or responding to others? Do I spend more time answering to the people around me, or am I more intentional with my responses? When I’m part of a group discussion, do I offer my opinion regardless of the outcome, or do I heavily react to others’ opinions?

I once heard a story about a brilliant man. Any time someone would share an opinion with him, he’d argue by giving the opposite viewpoint. They say that when this man died, his soul stood before the A-lmighty, who turned to him and said, “On Earth you were known to be a brilliant intellect. Why don’t you share a brilliant idea with us and show us what you have achieved?” The man responded, “G-d, why don’t you share a brilliant idea, and I’ll refute it?” This short story demonstrates the tragedy of a person who never owns the very place G-d created for them and instead plays it safe by living in reaction instead of responding to life—living with a sense of self-worth from without instead of beginning within.

Getting Started

The following quiz will provide you with a starting point to measure your sense of worthiness and see whether you tend to seek it from within or without. Remember that each and every one of us has a foundation of intrinsic worthiness to build on; so no matter what, you won’t be starting from ground zero.

Maybe you’re starting to wonder whether you’re a worthy person at all. Maybe you’re beginning to think that a lack of internal worth is contributing to—or the reason for—your anxiety, health issues, or inability to maintain successful and satisfying relationships. Or, perhaps, you’ve determined that you gain your worthiness from external resources, but you don’t think it’s something you need to change.

No matter where you are in your personal process, this quiz will help you find out whether your lack of worthiness is a major issue in your life, so you can start making some important changes. You deserve the freedom to make the best choices for you. You deserve to feel worthy. No, you have an obligation to feel worthy. After all, you were gifted by G-d with your life and expected to make the best of it! If the quiz reveals that you’re seeking worthiness from without, this book will offer you some helpful next steps that will change your life.

The quiz has 22 True or False questions that will allow you to assess the status of your self-worth. Read each statement and consider how much it corresponds with how you feel. Your answers should reflect your personal experience. Don’t judge your responses, just answer authentically as you go. Remember, these are True or False questions, so mark a T or F for every response.

1. It’s very important for me to be liked by everyone I meet.

2. I feel uncomfortable around successful and confident people.

3. I’m not a very worthwhile person.

4. I find myself doing more for others, even feeling used at times, so that people will like me.

5. I’m not as valuable as anyone else.

6. The need for approval from others comes before how I feel about myself.

7. I don’t have many unique qualities.

8. I have more unpleasant feelings about myself than I do pleasant ones.

9. Overall, I feel like a failure.

10. I wish I had someone else’s life.

11. Thinking I may have to confront someone makes me feel uneasy, and sometimes I get physically sick over it.

12. It’s very difficult for me to express myself.

13. I don’t like myself when others reject me.

14. I have to give all of myself in order to receive love.

15. I do a lot to try to make others happy, including ignoring my own needs.

16. I’m very sensitive to others’ comments.

17. I should never let people disapprove of my actions.

18. I sometimes feel like love is a transaction, and I’m “buying” my friends by always doing things for them.

19. I’m only as worthy as the amount of money I have in my bank account.

20. I know I do something right when I get praise from others.

21. I do things even if they don’t fall in line with my personal values.

22. I always accept the latest trends.

Scoring Your Answers

So, are you getting your worthiness from within or without? And how is this affecting your life? To find out, generate your total score by counting the number of times you marked True for your answer. Then read the section that corresponds with your score.

• Between 16 and 22: If your score falls in this range, you’re getting your sense of worthiness from without. Living this way significantly affects your ability to live your own life, find your purpose, and have fulfilling relationships. It’s time to start making changes in your life so you can finally feel good enough!

• Between 10 and 15: If your score falls in this range, your sense of worthiness sometimes comes from within and other times from without, depending on the situation. This is enough to affect your life in a negative way. It’s important for you to address this pattern, because it could become worse over time.

• Between 5 and 9: If you fall in this range, you’re probably maintaining some good relationships, and your life hasn’t been significantly affected by feeling a lack of internal worthiness. You have the strength and resilience to know you’re worthy, regardless of your external circumstances. Keep in mind that scoring in this range reveals you still have some tendencies to seek worthiness outside yourself, which could create some downfalls in your life. Keep building on your internal strength in an effort to bring down your score.

• 4 or less: If your score is in this range, you have a strong sense of worthiness that comes from within. However, it wouldn’t hurt to identify when you do seek approval from the outside, so that it doesn’t progress. This is a great time to create more self-awareness and learn some new tools that could spare you trouble down the road.

My Personal Experience

Now, before you get down on yourself about your score, I want to share something personal with you. When I took this quiz just a few years ago, my score was close to 22. So believe me when I say that I know how hard it is to never feel good enough, always doubting yourself and your value. Growing up, I discovered that I had a certain way of dealing with life, which I thought helped guide me through some tough times. I reached for external resources to soothe an internal pain. I continued to engage in the same behavior patterns, thinking I would get the outcome I wanted. I thought if only I worked hard enough, made others happy, and bought enough stuff, then I’d finally feel valuable. But the more I reached for my worth by trying to accomplish external goals, the more I saw that it was like trying to hold sand in a cheese grater or reach a destination on a treadmill. Nothing stuck. Nothing I did got me anywhere good. But instead of changing my strategy, I just kept doing more of the same, believing once I had enough success, friends, and money, I’d finally feel worthy. What I didn’t realize was that my approach needed to be dismantled. More external rewards weren’t the answer; they never were.

I truly believed that by constantly aiming to achieve major accomplishments, I was making everyone—including myself—happy. As time went on, however, I started to realize that this strategy wasn’t working very well at all. As my appetite for more became overwhelming, my drive to find what would truly make me happy grew stronger. I had spent my life constantly giving in and doing things for other people, negotiating things that should have been non-negotiable in my relationships. Living without an internal sense of worthiness held me back in many aspects of my life. I wasn’t able to say no. I felt guilty all the time. I didn’t do things for myself. I strived hard for dreams that weren’t even my own. Eventually, I found myself empty, alone, and endlessly exhausted. My relationships became one-sided; they seemed to work fine for everyone else in my life, but they were no longer working for me. I started to lose myself in my relationships with others and thought that if only I could do a little bit more, I’d feel better about myself. But this didn’t work. In fact, it had the opposite effect.

For years, I tried to find myself by losing myself in my relationships with others, my career, and my endless pursuit of material things. Naturally, it didn’t work. I wound up feeling alone and lost, at a complete standstill in my life. Although I knew the way I was living wasn’t working, I still had a strong urge to work harder and do more. I thought maybe I just hadn’t reached the point of true success and happiness yet. The truth is, my sense of self-worth wasn’t very strong. I looked confident and successful on the outside, but on the inside, I was my worst critic. I felt lost and worthless. Accomplishing big goals made me feel euphoric at first; but after the high wore off, I realized I still wasn’t satisfied. I never felt complete. I thought, if only I could get better at what I was doing, I would finally feel good enough.

At first, I wrongly thought that if other people in my life would change—if they would only just appreciate me—then I could finally feel worthy. I also used to tell myself that all my troubles would melt away once I found the perfect relationship. What I didn’t realize is that I wasn’t going to find the type of relationships I wanted unless I started to discover my inherent value, independent of others.

Constantly falling into the trap of never feeling worthy, I eventually started to wonder if accomplishing my big dreams would ever truly make me happy. Would I ever find a way to feel complete and content? Exploring this question marked the first step of my journey. Through my own process of self-discovery, I went from being a person with the self-esteem of a dish rag to someone self-accepting and aware of her worth. More than anything, I want the same for you. Living the way I used to live was like eating five plates of food at a buffet but still wanting more. Never feeling fully satisfied and always seeking external indulgences to feel internally worthy is no way to live.

How It All Begin

One of the richest stories in the Bible is that of Adam and Eve, narrated in the book of Genesis. By eating from the forbidden fruit of the Tree of Knowledge, Adam and Eve acquire the awareness of good and evil and are then expelled from the Garden of Eden. Before they ate the forbidden fruit, they were transparent in their relationship with G-d; their egos didn’t block their awareness of the purpose of creation. Even those things they did for themselves—as we all must—were not about themselves, but about their purpose. The moment they acted according to their own personal desires rather than their purpose, they became confused by self-consciousness and were no longer transparent. Suddenly, another agenda entered the picture: an absorption with self. This led them to disconnect from their relationship with G-d.

Before they ate fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, Adam and Eve “were both naked, and were not ashamed” (Genesis, 2:25). Although they were aware of their own nakedness before they ate the fruit, it didn’t cause them shame. This was because their entire being was dedicated to their purpose of creation. Only after they ate the forbidden fruit, after acting purely for self, did they experience a lack of integrity and transparency. Now, they experienced everything through two lenses: an authentic one and a self-oriented one. Bias and self-orientation took away their integrity. They became self-conscious about their bodies, no longer seeing them as transparent tools for a purpose. Now they represented a pursuit of selfish indulgence.

The serpent tells Eve: “When you eat of [the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge] your eyes will be opened” (Genesis, 3:5). Of course, Eve’s eyes were technically already open. She wasn’t physically blind; she was already aware of her nakedness. Her eyes became open to self-consciousness. This awareness of self-altered and confused Adam and Eve’s very understanding, dissolving the boundaries between themselves and their purpose. Working through this confusion to the best of our ability is what this book is all about. We all have a transparent, authentic self and a self-oriented, indulgent self. When we take a moment to stand outside these two selves and learn to differentiate between them, we can experience liberation.

Have you ever felt, upon learning new information or arriving at a new insight, that you’ve somehow known it all along? This is a common experience which shows that certain knowledge lies hidden in the cracks of awareness, even though we aren’t self-reflectively aware of it. Then, when an event triggers an idea into our awareness, we suddenly become open to the fact that we were conscious of the knowledge all along. This is how it goes when we become aware of our worth. It isn’t something we find or seek out; it’s something we discover that we had all along.

During the Renaissance, Europeans became aware of the three-dimensional perspective. Some authors refer to this development as the discovery of perspective. Well, it obviously wasn’t the creation of perspective. Every sight-capable human being has had visual perspective since the dawn of the species. But in this 15th Century discovery, European artists became aware, for the first time, that they were conscious of perspective. Three-dimensional perspective wasn’t new in consciousness, but in the field of self-awareness. After it entered this field, it was recognized as something people had always known, but hadn’t known they’d known.

It’s critical for ordinary human thinking that we not only know something, but be aware that we know it as well. There’s a difference between knowledge and self-awareness of knowledge or, in other words, knowing that we know something. The way we rectify the fundamental human challenge, the confusion created by the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge, is by learning to know what we experience, to become self-aware. It allows us to recognize ourselves through our experiences and to think about our own thoughts, feelings, and sensations.

There’s a great deal of good that comes from self-knowledge, awareness, and reflection. It gives us a chance to realize the fullness of human potential and fulfill its role in the scheme of things. The human intellect has the unique ability to stand outside its own thoughts, as it’s capable of thinking about its own thoughts. We, humans, can also stand outside our emotions by pondering those emotions. We can even stand outside ourselves by contemplating our place in the world as if we were looking at ourselves from the outside. This capacity is what we call self-reflective awareness, and it’s for making sense of nature. Without it, we’d be completely immersed in our instincts, unable to understand our actions and sense of worth. Only through self- awareness can we think objectively and consciously live our lives from a place of value. Our capacity for self-awareness is nature’s only chance of solving the mystery of life. Think about this for a moment: without our capacity for self-reflection, we would stand no chance of understanding ourselves; we would never be able to rise above our own instinctive reactions.

Great suffering and confusion came to us when we gained a sense of ourselves. This issue is at the core of our success and failure. It determines whether we’re self-centered or purpose-oriented. The confusion exists in the relationship between ourselves and the world around us. We have a remarkable ability to invest fully in something other than ourselves, knowing that we can be self-reflective while remaining connected to everything around us. The conflict lies in making a choice between living consumed in our awareness of self or totally immersed in our relationships with others.

Successful athletes at their peak performance talk about losing a sense of themselves when they’re engrossed in their sport. Can you think of a time when you were so focused on what you were doing that you lost a sense of everything around you? A time when you transcended what you were doing so that nothing else existed outside the present moment? That must have been what living in the Garden was like. Now, the tricky thing is that some of us can get so focused on and consumed with ourselves that we disconnect completely from the present moment. Part of our dilemma is finding a balance between focusing on ourselves and focusing on our connection to everything else. We don’t want to focus so much on ourselves that we lose sight of others; but we don’t want to be so focused outside ourselves that we lose a sense of ourselves either. Finding the path to ensuring our focus on ourselves isn’t about ourselves but rather about our purpose.

Throughout this book, we’ll be posing many questions to you. We’ve crafted these questions so you can work through the confusion that came to us when we developed a sense of ourselves. Working through this confusion allowed us to become more self-aware and knowledgeable of our worthiness, while remaining connected to those around us. We created this book to offer the same opportunity to you.

Our fundamental challenge as humans is to differentiate between objective and subjective reality. When we become aware of ourselves, we develop the natural drive to personalize everything. The success of our happiness develops when we form a strong sense of worth that allows us to go beyond self. Musicians whose fingers play on their own can only master losing their sense of self once they’ve fully immersed themselves in the hardships of learning a new instrument.

This book is a guide to mastering your sense of self and self-worth, so you can connect with others and the world around you in a different way. The paradox is that once we become more self-aware, strong in our knowledge of self, we can minimize our desire to personalize and make everything about self. Only then can we find our way back to the Garden of Eden, connected to everything around us.