Ilene S. Cohen's Blog, page 6

5 Ways to Gear Up Your Child for Her First Period

We all know that a female body undergoes a natural process associated with healthy female reproductive organ function and fertility. And for a teenage girl, menstruation is the next significant milestone in her life. This marks when she has hit puberty and is now transitioning into a more physically mature adolescent.

Preparing their daughters for their first period may seem unnerving for most parents, especially with blood involved. It may even alarm your daughter, especially with this unfamiliarity. However, you don’t have to fret. There are honest, open, and effective ways to tackle it with your daughter, prepare her in advance, and help keep her at ease.

When do periods start?

For many girls, the period starts between 11 and 14. It is still considered normal if a girl begins to have her period at around 9 to 16 years old.

Periods most likely start if your child develops underarm and pubic hair, breasts, acne, and fluid discharge. She will also begin her growth spurt around this time. This will carry on as long as her cycle goes on.

A cycle is a time starting from your daughter’s day one of her first periods to the first day of her next. This typically lasts around 25 and 35 days. But in general, cycles still vary.

1. Educate her on what to expect

The best way to gear up your child for her first period is to talk to her about it and tell her what to expect as she hits puberty. Please talk about the science of menstruation rather than treating it as a taboo topic when it shouldn’t be.

It’s best to be specific as well. You can mention that her first few periods may most likely be light inflow and won’t regularly come, that it can last for a few days and may hurt at its onset, and that blood colors change from red to more dark brown shades. You can also explain that this period may come with headaches, bloating, tender breasts, and discomfort such as mild back pain or abdominal cramps, especially in subsequent cycles.

You can also lookup preteen sources like informative videos and books together online for more accurate references.

2. Talk early and often

It’s better to begin talking to your child about menstrual changes earlier. Rather than opting for a one-time tell-all discussion that may seem overwhelming, it may work well to plan on a series of conversations and let her have you answer her questions about menstruation.

If there is any misinformation, it’s best to clarify things with your daughter by asking her what she knows about menstruation and puberty. Start explaining its science and basics, and share your experiences to encourage her to gear up without fear. If she doesn’t like to talk about it, let her be but don’t cease encouraging her, especially when she needs it.

3. Prepare a period kit

You’ll never know when and where your daughter’s first period can happen. It may be difficult for her to deal with period leaks if she’s at school or away from home, and there’s no parental supervision.

Please keep your child at ease about it by preparing a period kit, which typically includes napkins, underwear, and a pack of wet wipes. If you’re a parent who wants to opt for organic materials to help save the earth, you can also encourage your child to use reusable organic pads.

Of course, in addition to preparing a kit, educate her about the supplies needed and how to use them. Let her know how to properly position a napkin on her underwear, properly dispose of it, and the importance of changing her pad every four to six hours. It’ll be easier for her to handle it better and hygienically, especially when away from home.

If you’re ever wondering when is the best time to prepare her a period kit, communicate with your child and ask her about the small changes in her body or how she feels. You’ll quickly identify if she’s already having premenstrual symptoms.

4. Get the men in her life involved in the conversation

While her dad or brothers usually don’t know how to deal with menstruation, they play an integral role in supporting your daughter. You can educate them on how to assist her when she forgets her tampons and needs someone to bring one to her.

Talking about periods with the men in your family will allow the idea of the period to be normalized and that they won’t have to feel embarrassed or secretive when buying pads for their daughter or sister.

5. Reassure her that instead of dwelling on period problems

For young girls, bleeding for a week every month may sound too scary or overwhelming to think about. This is why it’s essential to manage the information you share, reassure your child that everything will be okay, and let her know that it’s normal for girls to experience periods at her age.

You can mention period concerns but don’t dwell on them, as some of these symptoms don’t even show up early. Help her focus on the solutions. Inform her of some ways to relieve period pain:

Usage of a heating padHaving a warm bathTaking over the counter pain relief medicationsTrying regular low-impact exercises

In conclusion

The changes associated with puberty may seem a little daunting, but there are things you can do as a parent to keep your child at ease and prepared for it. Consider the tips above to help you guide your child better adapt as she embraces this new stage of life. You can also help her manage cycle symptoms to ensure better sleep.

Author: Kat Sarmiento writes articles with the hopes of reaching out to more people. Her writing is focused on lifestyle, science, and smart hacks, that will definitely (well, hopefully) be useful to her readers.

How Can We Prevent School Shootings? A Mental Health Professional Looking for Answers

Watching the latest school shooting news, I was paralyzed by grief and sadness. I was bulldozed with disbelief. “Again?” I thought, “How many?” I wondered. Far away enough, I could try to distance myself from it, but the headlines were already etched in my mind and body. Repeating in my mind, “How could this happen again?” “Why does this happen?” “What can we do to stop it?” As an expert in human behavior and family systems, I wondered what I could offer. Many people have already been screaming out reasonable solutions that don’t seem to be enforced. Feeling powerless, I thought, “What can I do to help?” Sitting in despair like so many others, I wondered, “Who’s responsible for this massacre?” Is it as simple as saying the shooter is evil end of the story? That video games and guns are the problems, end of the story?

I know that when humans are anxious, we jump to blaming and reacting. The problem with that is blaming does not help when coming up with honest tangible responses and preventative solutions. Of course, it is natural and okay to be angry, fed up, and in fear. It is a knee-jerk reaction to place the blame on someone else. However, when we blame one factor, it narrows our lens to the larger picture of what is going on.

For example, we tend to ask why instead of how. We see school and mass shootings as the disease instead of a symptom of a more prominent issue. We look for the only cause instead of seeing the multiple variables contributing to mass shootings. We develop reactive measures that fit our political views instead of looking at the research and facts. We give up on solutions when we can’t agree on what to do.

As a mother, I am scared to drop my kids at school. As a mother, I know there is no worse pain than losing a child. So, I have decided to dive into the research and share the facts and what we can do to help. I am not invested in blaming any one thing; I want to know what we really can do to make our schools safe again. As a therapist, I want to understand how psychology can help prevent mass shootings and how come this is only an issue in the U.S.? It doesn’t matter what political party you follow; we all want the same thing! We want mass shootings in schools to stop! So, instead of jumping to defend our beliefs and views, let’s look at the facts. Let’s think through solutions. Let’s see what we can do to stop these shootings.

ENHANCING SCHOOL SAFETY USING A THREAT ASSESSMENT MODEL

The NTAC guide, called Enhancing School Safety Using a Threat Assessment Model, was updated in 2018 and says it is intended to help schools “identify students of concern, assess their risk for engaging in violence or other harmful activities, and identify intervention strategies to manage that risk.” Below are their suggestions.

Create a threat assessment team that includes faculty, staff, administrators, coaches, and others to oversee a threat assessment process.Define behaviors that should trigger immediate intervention, such as threats, violent acts, or weapons on campus.Establish a system for students, parents, teachers, and others to report concerns about potential threats anonymously. “Ensure that it is monitored by personnel who will follow up on all reports,” the guide says.Determine a threshold for when law enforcement intervention should be requested.Establish threat assessment procedures that will guide investigation into the seriousness of a threat. This includes establishing whether a student has communicated their plans; has access to weapons; has researched attack plans or tactics; and whether some emotional factors and motivations could be relevant.Develop risk management options that schools will take once a threat assessment is complete.Promote a safe school climate that encourages student conflicts and bullying intervention and empowers students to communicate concerns.Provide training for all school staff, students, parents, and law enforcement.

FACTS ABOUT GUN VIOLENCE

Guns are the leading cause of death among American children and teens. 1 out of 10 gun deaths is age 19 or younger. Firearm deaths occur at a rate more than five times higher than drownings. The U.S. has had 2,032 school shootings since 1970, and these numbers are increasing. Alarmingly, 948 school shootings have occurred since the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School in December 2012.

School shootings have returned to pre-COVID levels and, by some accounts, have even increased. However, U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security research shows that if we “know the signs” of gun violence, we can prevent it and reverse the trend. An estimated 4.6 million American children live in a home where at least one gun is kept loaded and unlocked.  These improperly stored weapons have contributed to school shootings, suicides, and the deaths of family members, including infants and toddlers.

Nearly half of all parents with a weapon in the home wrongly believe their children don’t know where a gun is stored. We know that the safe storage of firearms prevents tragedies. Another way of looking at that: Americans make up less than 5 percent of the world’s population, yet they own roughly 45 percent of all the world’s privately held firearms, based on 2018 data from the Small Arms Survey.

“Within the United States, a wide array of empirical evidence indicates that more guns in a community lead to more homicide,” David Hemenway, the Harvard Injury Control Research Center’s director, wrote in Private Guns, Public Health. Americans, by and large, support policies that reduce access to guns. But once these policies are proposed, they’re broadly spun by politicians and pundits into attempts to “take away your guns.” Therefore, nothing gets done, and preventable deaths keep occurring. Many firearms used in mass shootings were legally purchased or obtained from family or friends.

KNOWING THE WARNING SIGNS

In 4 out of 5 school shootings, at least one other person knew the attacker’s plan but failed to report it. The Secret Service and Department of Education found that 93% of school shooters planned the attack in a comprehensive school shooting study. When people see the signs and get help, we can end school shootings.

Almost all mass school shooters shared threatening or concerning messages or images.More than 75% raised concern from others before the attacks.Bystanders saw warning signs in most documented active shooter cases.

Common among school shooters:

MaleCaucasianWithdrawn (pulls back from school activities)Isolated or rejected from peersLiving in a rural communityHave easy access to weaponsBullied repeatedly from a young age (there is a point when the bullied child flips roles and becomes the bully)childhood abuse and exposure to traumatic experiencesa crisis in the days and weeks before the shootingfollowing a ‘script’ or ideology, often found online or in the mediaopportunity.

MEDIA AND INTERNET

Lost, desperate, and angry individuals look to the media and internet for support and guidance. When details of mass shootings, like death counts and names, are published, these can serve as ‘social proof,’ a script that future mass shooters may follow as they commit their crimes. Further, some shooters may feel compelled to try to outdo a previous shooter in death counts or media mentions. Extremist websites and groups can provide a sense of community and belonging that many shooters lack. This sense of belonging and welcome may be more important to the shooter than its ideology.

Additionally, a lack of meaningful relationships and personal connections leaves people isolated; a circumstance only exacerbated due to COVID-19. Making guns less accessible and delaying access might reduce tension just enough to prevent violence. Another is using care and trauma intervention teams to direct a person towards resources that can help them navigate a crisis. Steps like these do not remove all risk factors but help reduce the pressure. Multiple approaches are needed.

Conclusion

School is supposed to be a peaceful and joyous place for kids to learn and socialize. Kids in school still get bullied for their differences. Teachers and school staff need to be trained in looking at the warning signs and what they can do to best assist a struggling student. There needs to be better access to mental health providers in schools for the students and their families. If the school is aware of an indecent happening or a crisis in a child or teen’s life, they should follow up with accessible resources. There should be better protection and security at schools and more common-sense gun laws. Every person arguing their point about guns wants to be correct; I want to stop hearing about mass shootings at the end of the day. I genuinely don’t care who is right; this must stop somewhere. These are real children, people, families, and communities suffering the most significant losses. The facts and research give us a blueprint for what we can do to prevent this; I think it is time to implement some fundamental changes.

References:

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/what-parents-need-to-know-about-private-school-safety-plans/ar-AASFfMF

https://www.sandyhookpromise.org/blog/gun-violence/16-facts-about-gun-violence-and-school-shootings/

https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2017/10/2/16399418/america-mass-shooting-gun-violence-statistics-charts

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1057/s41300-022-00140-6

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You Don’t Complete Me. I Complete Me.

Why being yourself is better for all of your relationships.

Whether you realize it or not, our ancestors and families shape a large part of who we become. You wouldn’t be here right now without family or caretakers that helped you survive; to be alive is to be in a relationship with others. We are also born with a level of Self that desires to grow throughout our lives. Our degree of Self can change throughout our lives depending on our life experiences and efforts to mature within those very relationships. Understanding that we are individuals who are always connected to others is essential to acknowledge.

The emotional interdependence within families and communities is not inherently wrong; humans, after all, evolved by promoting the cooperation necessary for families to protect their members. However, issues arise when we are so interdependent that we lose ourselves in our relationships. We all have the very human struggle of navigating our pull for individuality and togetherness. We see this at many stages in our development; the force to be our own person starts early in life.

Even though being close to those we care about feels so good during quiet times, there is a problematic side. We struggle the most to be ourselves when the pushback from our families, culture, society, and others are too strong. We may lose ourselves while in relationships with others by accommodating, giving in, and looking to others for answers. We also might become allergic to the pull for togetherness by rebelling, conflict, or distancing. When we only connect with others by losing ourselves in the sense of comfort they provide, we become a non-self. Believing we will be complete and whole while we are accepted by our family, lover, and friends, all the while losing our individuality.

If we lean towards or away from relationships to manage our anxiety of standing on our own, we will be more reactive and sensitive to others. The less of a Self we have in our relationships, the more prone we are to conflict, distance, reactivity, and cut-off. The very things we do to manage our anxiety about the relationships in our lives can be the same things that create more chaos in our relationships.

Systems thinking explains the complex interactions within families and important relationships. Family systems theory conceptualizes the family as an emotional unit. According to this theory, families and their members are emotionally connected; each member affects the others’ thoughts, feelings, and actions. For example, each family member desires the family’s attention, approval, and support, and they emotionally react to each other’s expectations, hurts, and upsets. This reactivity and connection make family members’ general functioning codependent in nature.

As pressure from life difficulties, anxiety, and stress arise, the emotional connectedness of a family can become more stressful than soothing. For example, when one person in a family gets anxious, their anxiety can increase by spreading infectiously around the family system. This can lead family members to feel overwhelmed, secluded, or emotionally out of control. The family member who does the most accommodating takes on the family’s anxiety and is, therefore, the most vulnerable to depression, addiction, affairs, or physical illness. Becoming genuinely informed about how the emotional unit works in one’s own family, workspace, and social networks offers new, more effective options for solving problems in each of these areas.

So, when we find ourselves stuck in conflictual or ineffectual patterns of interaction with the people we care about, it can blind us from the truth. Often, we look to others to make the changes that will interrupt those patterns that stress us out so much. However, this is a set-up for even more anxiety, loss of Self, and helplessness, as the people we love are just as stuck and lost as we are. The more we look for others to complete ourselves, the more locked into familiar, automatic, and unconscious patterns we get. Our focus is on others and what they need from us, and less on ourselves and our own responsibilities. The less we are focused on ourselves and our reactions, the more we are attuned to others’ facial expressions, tone of voice, body posture, and energy. This attunement has us perceiving threats without consciously realizing them. When we perceive a threat, real or imagined, our amygdala, the most primitive part of our brains, gets activated. This leads us to automatically react by verbally attacking, jumping in to fix things, avoiding people, saying yes when we want to say no, distancing, blaming, etc.

As humans, our reactive behaviors are predictable and more prominent when we are more for the group than ourselves. The more emotionally dependent we are, the more uncomfortable we are around others’ discomfort, leading our brains to signal us to take action or run away. Therefore, contrary to the belief that if we focus on ourselves, it makes us selfish, it actually helps us in our closest relationships. If we work on managing our own reactivity, becoming more aware of our patterns, and developing our thinking during challenging times, the more of ourselves we can grow. If we learn to complete ourselves, which means understanding our values, principles, responsibilities, and goals, our relationships will feel less reactive and be more meaningful.

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Strengthen Your Relationships

My Latest Podcast Interview:

How To Strengthen Your Relationships in Life Transitions

 

We talk about life transitions and family as a system in the discussion. How does a significant change in a couple’s or family’s life impact everyone? We discuss how the arrival of a child affects a couple. Having a first child is one of the most significant changes to the couple’s relationship, yet many couples are often unprepared for this important life change.

Another big life event that has a vast and often transformational impact on a family is the death of a family member. This is particularly true if this family member was very influential.

We explore some of the ideas of Bowen’s Family Systems Theory. Couples and families are emotional units where each member impacts the other and is interdependent. If there is change at one end of the system, it will affect everyone else.

We highlight how to manage anxiety in the coupled system. Couples in conflict are often in a high state of anxiety and need to regulate this first before they can resolve the conflict.

 

Click below to listen to the Interview:

https://apple.co/3qZ8Y3Q

Living With a More Purposeful Self

How to manage life difficulties more thoughtfully this New Year

            Many of us have heard about the importance of living with purpose. We often associate that with the type of job we have or our work. Although that may be part of it, I see living with purpose as being able to express who we are in everything we do. Living with purpose is more about expressing who we are in how we live. We live with purpose when we can be ourselves in whatever circumstances we face, holding on to our values and making a unique contribution to our families and communities. Going through the personal work of becoming more of yourself opens the door to living purposely and intentionally. This New Year, I challenge you to be who you want to be, especially in difficult times. No one wants to go through hard times, but knowing there’s purpose, growth, and meaning to that suffering makes it a lot easier to manage. When we face difficulty, it allows us to see who we are. Problems can help us see how strong we are and enable us to learn how to manage life’s storms with grace and thoughtfulness.

When we live as a more purposeful self, we can ask ourselves: How can I know what I’m clear about and then communicate that to others? What’s authentic about me? How can I think about things more objectively? How can I respond to what is, rather than get caught up in what should be?

You’re more valuable to yourself and others when you operate as a whole self and purposeful self.

 “Whole people” can observe things clearly and set intentional goals, even when stressed or anxious. The less whole you feel, the fewer options for responses you will have, and the more susceptible to feeling vulnerable and helpless you will be. Self-regulating and being resourceful requires the ability to engage with our problems. It takes emotional strength and purpose to keep defining who we are in the face of high-stress situations. Keeping this perspective in mind can help calm you down when you feel at your worst.

When you can expand your perspective, you can take charge. When you can see a bigger picture at work, you can start to relax instead of acting as you’ve never faced challenges before. You can ask yourself, “How do I think I can handle this challenge?” “What do I think will be useful in this situation?” This process will give you some autonomy in the choices you need to make. The big challenge is to sit through this process and remember that small changes add up over time. The accumulation of those small changes leads to true and lasting freedom.

One way we manage stressors in life is to avoid anything that makes us anxious. Another is to face it, knowing that it will make us uncomfortable. In the short term, we might feel more stressed by taking this approach; but we’ll wind up feeling a lot more comfortable and confident in who we are in the long term.

Key Takeaways

There will always be stuff in your life that you’d prefer didn’t happen. Life is filled with challenges, as we have primarily seen in these last couple of years, but even with that being the case, it helps to trust in your ability to get through them. Being true to yourself will help you stay afloat when you’re in the waves of emotion. It will help you take a leap of faith and do things you want to do by simply looking within yourself for the answers.

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What Can a Counsellor Help Me to Achieve?

Booking an appointment with a counsellor can be a scary step. Often, going to counselling is associated with mental illness. While this is true, counselling can also help with other issues, such as relationship issues, grief, or work-related stress.

Counselling can take place individually, with a couple, family, or in a group setting. The key to success with all counsellors is to choose a counsellor that is right for you. Counselling requires honesty and intimacy, and as such, requires you to feel comfortable with the person you are speaking with. You must connect and build a therapeutic alliance, and you should be happy with your sessions for them to work effectively.

Here, we take a look at some of the things a counsellor can help you achieve.

A Stronger Sense of Self

If you struggle with self-doubt or anxiety, it might be hard for you to let go of what others think of you for long enough to think about what you want and need. When you stop to think about what you want, you might struggle to find your own answers and then end up feeling panicky and lost. While everyone experiences this at times, if you are regularly feeling this way, it might indicate that you need to put some time aside for yourself and talk to a professional.

A counsellor can help you work through why you have a poor sense of self and the effect that it is having on all your relationships. Even just having this space to talk about what you desire can be hugely beneficial. Hopefully, after your sessions, you feel better equipped to go into the world knowing the direction you want to take and make decisions accordingly, rather than being molded by what others want from you.

Honesty in Your Relationships

It can be challenging to be honest in relationships because it’s likely that you are worried about hurting the other person’s feelings. However, communication is key to a successful and healthy relationship.

Working with a counsellor can help you get out any frustration you’re feeling and think through how you can talk to your partner calmly, thoughtfully, and rationally. It can help you articulate what you are feeling and notice how you might play a part in your relationship issues. Counselling also enables you to work through the problem, take responsibility for your actions, and see both sides of the story.

Some counselors specialize in relationship therapy and offer couple’s sessions, where you and your partner will have equal opportunity to discuss your feelings and thoughts while being guided by a professional. These sessions are likely to be solution-focused, with 93% of couples surveyed by the American Association of Marriage and Family therapy reporting that couples counselling gave them effective tools for dealing with conflict. It can help to have difficult discussions with a counsellor to keep the atmosphere productive, while in a neutral and nurturing space.

Acceptance of a Difficult Life Event

Inevitably, we will all experience life events that are challenging. Even though challenges come at different levels and intensity, what matters most is how the person perceives the problem.

Examples of events that a counsellor can help you process include bereavement, job loss, fertility problems, and recovering from being unwell with an illness, among other things. Needing some space to talk about how these experiences impacted you is normal, and counselling can help you work towards acceptance or not letting these events control the rest of your life.

Summary

Seeing a counsellor is not just for those with a mental illness. Counselling is a neutral space for you to work through anything bothering you or holding you back from the life you want without fear of judgment. Counselling can be an excellent opportunity to be open about how you feel and see things; therefore, it is essential to find a counsellor that you can trust to support you.

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Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Podcast Interview with Dr. Ilene

Recently I was interviewed by Hannah Tyler!

She has a passion for learning about people. On her podcast, she gets to know all kinds of people and explores what motivates them and how they got to where they are today. If you want to learn more about me, what I do, and how I got to where I am today, check out my episode: https://apple.co/3mLA7Go

We discuss my journey as a psychotherapist, author, and mother of two animated young girls. We talk about how I became one of the most respected voices in the psychology of people-pleasing and navigating the difficulty of living an intentional life while maintaining fulfilling relationships.

Talk soon,

Dr. Ilene

Why Is Forgiveness Important?

Why Is Forgiveness Important?

If you were lied to, verbally attacked, abused, cheated on, or some other such form of drastic betrayal, it is completely natural to be angry and upset. However, those residual emotions can affect your relationships and other parts of your life. As the saying goes, hurt people hurt people, and that is how patterns of abuse and pain get passed on from generation to generation. Taking these patterns into account, forgiveness is not just important, but vital.

Furthermore, anger, takes up a lot of energy that could be more usefully put to work in other areas of our lives. When we hold onto anger, we give our offenders control over our thoughts and emotions. Even though the past is long gone, we remain there until we’re able to forgive and let go. As a result, forgiveness not only helps us reclaim our sense of power, it helps us move our lives forward.

Why Does Forgiveness Matter?

Forgiveness helps us calm down and provides us with new perspective, clarity, and objectivity. For example, think of a time when you were very angry about something. Was it hard to be objective and transparent? Did you largely blame the other person or exaggerate the events to justify your reactions?

When we’re upset, our judgement tends to become clouded or inaccurate. This is not to say that you don’t have any right to your feelings, you certainly do. However, by forgiving yourself and the other party, you can make sure that your perception of the situation is more balanced. Cultivating forgiveness will allow you to clear your mind and view the problem from a more objective position.

In addition, finding a way to forgive will allow you to become a more compassionate person. Most people have demons, triggers, and issues they are dealing with and don’t mean to hurt others intentionally. While that doesn’t make their actions okay, when you’re able to see people in their own context, you’re better able to understand their reasoning and you can take their offenses less personally.

Guess what? I have a new book on this very topic!

After a LOT of hard work behind the scenes for the past several months, I’m so excited to announce that I have a new book coming out! “The Forgiveness Workbook” will help you cultivate compassion, release resentment, and find peace. I know you’re going to love it.

Learn more about the book and pre-order a copy here: https://amzn.to/3ej3SJL

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Dr. Ilene

What It Really Means to Take Care of Yourself

Why It’s Not All About Massages and Green Juices

 

Real self-care probably isn’t what you think it is. It isn’t all about escaping and relaxing. Although it pays off for your wellbeing in the long run, in the present, self-care can be a hard thing to do.

Taking care of yourself might look like making a plan to pay off your debt, sticking to a hard morning routine, or cooking healthy meals. It’s facing your problems and unresolved issues head on, instead of avoiding them and then trying to distract or soothe yourself later.

Self-care means doing what makes you anxious now, like setting boundaries with tough people, saying no when you don’t want to do something, getting through a tough workout, or telling someone something they don’t want to hear. Taking care of yourself means compassionately accepting yourself for who you are instead of burning yourself out trying to be everything to everyone all the time. It’s living your life in a way that doesn’t leave you needing to check out or take a break just so you can have a bath, read a book, or sip on some tea.

Currently, consumer-based self-care is a very popular topic; however, a world we need to escape from in the name of self-care is a world that needs a perspective change. Self-care isn’t something we should be doing just because we’re so burnt out that we need time away from our internal and external pressures.

Real self-care isn’t massages and green juices; it’s choosing to create a life that you don’t feel the need to regularly check out of.  

Self-care means doing things you initially don’t want to do, and making the choice to do what’s uncomfortable. It means accepting your personal failures and disappointing relationships, then deciding to re-strategize them. It’s not about giving in to your immediate urges when that means giving up on a long-term goal. It’s about forgiving, letting go, and accepting what you can’t change. It’s about being willing to let people down and even saying goodbye to some of them. Self-care can sometimes be about putting your life aside to care for someone in need, and other times about putting yourself first above those who drain you. Ultimately, it’s about living a life you choose, not one that you sleepwalk through.

Self-care is allowing yourself to be normal and average, instead of always pushing yourself to be perfect or exceptional. It means letting your house stay messy when you’re tired of cleaning up, or deciding you don’t need the perfect body after all. It’s knowing yourself and understanding how you operate, so you can decide what changes are the right ones to make in your life.

If you constantly feel like you need a break, it may be because you’re disconnected from living a life that includes you in it. Real self-care isn’t so much about treating yourself as it is about taking actions for your personal growth and development, aiming to choose what’s better for your wellness in the long-run.

Self-care is NOT about believing that being super busy is a badge of honor and making yourself so exhausted that you self-sabotage in ways that aren’t actually good for you. It’s about taking time to take care of yourself, because you truly know that you aren’t broken and don’t need fixing. Once you start doing the real self-care, you start realizing that loving yourself and compassionately being there for YOU might just solve many of your problems.

When you take care of yourself, you become the author, not the victim, of your life. You create a life you truly enjoy, instead of one you might need recovery, or even therapy, from. It’s not creating a life that looks good on paper, but one that fits well with who you are. It’s letting go of some of your goals, so that you can truly live a more balanced life. It’s choosing to no longer make decisions based on what will ease your anxiety, but instead based on what will be good for you tomorrow or the next day. It’s not looking to others to meet your needs; it’s meeting your own needs.

Self-care is living a life that’s meaningful and being true to yourself. It’s knowing that massages and green juices are great ways to enjoy life, not escape from it.

Get a copy of my new book “Anxious for Answers: The surprising truth about anxiety, and how you can master it for good!” https://amzn.to/2N1xKfb

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Dr. Ilene

Suffering with Mental Health Doesn’t Make You Ungrateful

“Radical acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our lives as it is.”
—Tara Brach.

Lately it seems that we, as a culture, are having a hard time understanding the significance and impact of mental health concerns like anxiety, depression, feelings of helplessness, and suicide. Many people seem to believe that if you live a life that looks good on paper, you should be eternally happy and grateful—end of story. But the frightening reality is that when your life checks off all the boxes of what society says should make you happy, you can still feel anxious and sometimes helpless. And if, on top of that, you judge yourself and are judged by others for your experience, you can become even more susceptible to feeling isolated and in pain. There’s much more to a positive human experience than being wealthy, successful at our jobs, getting married, and following a pre-prescribed path. There’s feeling at home in our bodies, having thriving personal relationships, resolving trauma, repairing broken bonds, learning to manage the pitfalls of life, and living in ways that fit our values and principles. If those essential parts of our lives aren’t being addressed, we’re likely to feel depressed, lonely, anxious, and maybe even suicidal—no matter how much we might have to be grateful and happy about.

When we feel ungrateful or accuse others of it, we aren’t seeing the whole picture. Because a person’s experience doesn’t need to match how others say they should feel. You can be grateful and appreciative for what you have and still feel bad, sad, and lonely. You can love parts of your life and also feel helpless and hurt by others. Often, when we don’t have the material objects and success in life that we dream of, we believe this to be the cause of our suffering. And, of course, it may be a contributing variable. But it isn’t the only reason. It might scare us to see people we believe to have it all struggling with their mental health, because it robs us of our fairytale notion that money, love, and success will make all our pain go away. However, if we can sit still within our own experience for a moment, we can see the true cause of our sadness and recognize what really needs to be worked on and reconciled. It’s not about climbing the ladder, winning the race, or being the best; it’s about forming connections, resolving our issues, speaking our truth, and living the life we want. It’s about accepting our and others’ experiences as they are, instead of following some made-up prescription for how we should feel. We suffer not because we’re ungrateful, but because we have a hard time accepting things as they are. We suffer because we compare how our lives are to how others’ lives appear to be, or to how we believe our lives are supposed to be.

If you or someone you care about is struggling with their mental health, even if they have a lot to be grateful for, don’t point that out as a way to make them feel better. They already know. And they’re probably already suffering because they’ve told themselves that very thing. Work on listening and understanding instead. Show them acceptance. Listen to their truth with genuine curiosity. And practice accepting your own experience and honoring your own truth, without judgment or comparison. The less we try to fix, negate, or deny our feelings, and the more we allow them into our lives with compassion and openness, the less power they have over us. When we can genuinely accept the seemingly complex emotions and issues we face, we become more thoughtful about how we want to deal with them. Understanding suffering as part of the human experience gives us access to natural gratefulness for all things, good and bad.

Get a copy of my new book “Anxious for Answers: The surprising truth about anxiety, and how you can master it for good!” https://amzn.to/2N1xKfb

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Dr. Ilene