Monica Berg's Blog, page 8

A Cure for Holiday Blues

The Holiday Season as we know it is kicked off by Thanksgiving and leads us all the way through the New Year. It is a two-month stretch of time that is always marketed as “the happiest time of the year!” On the surface, what’s not to like, right? Nostalgic images are everywhere, elaborate dinners with friends and family abound, gifts are given and received, and the cold, crisp weather has us curling up in front of fireplaces and wrapping ourselves in cozy scarves. Yet, like so many things, fantasy doesn’t always match reality.

Well, hello holiday blues!

It’s no wonder that the expectation of holiday cheer leaves so many feeling depressed or stressed, or both. And the reasons are myriad, but our first clue lies in that one word: expectation.

To start, let’s focus on our expectations of ourselves. After all, that’s the only area we can control.

This part works best with visualization. Imagine a family or friend holiday gathering you have coming up. Picture the people there, what they are doing, and what you are doing. What are you talking about? How is the food? How do you feel?

First, there are no right or wrong answers, but you probably visualized amazing food, happy conversations, and everyone being joyful and full of holiday cheer. Ta-da! These are your holiday expectations! So, when something doesn’t go the way you imagined—which inevitably will happen, holiday or no holiday—you are set up for disappointment. The answer isn’t to expect to have a bad time, but instead to be realistic and ready to accept that a few things will go off script. Approaching the holidays with flexibility will help you not only to avert disappointment but also to stay open to unexpected experiences of whimsy.

Whimsy is, after all, one of many things we love about holidays, and yet, stress still often becomes a headline.

A holiday stress survey conducted in 2018 surveyed 1,166 people aged 25 to 60, of which 76 percent were female. Nearly 70% of the respondents reported that they experience holiday stress because they are overly committed to making the holiday special and enjoyable for everyone else.

Let that sink in.

I think it resonates with many people. Especially when we are attached to our vision of how the day should go and ultimately, it comes down to control. While many of us work to create a memorable, even picture-perfect holiday, there are a lot of aspects of that goal that are simply out of our hands. Some people may not be able to attend, others may show up in a less-than-cheerful mood, and it’s not uncommon for the occasional awkward moment or argument to ensue. You can’t force people to be anything—cheerful, kind, considerate, respectful, or even good cooks.

But isn’t that what the vision of a magical and enjoyable holiday demands?

We can see the impossibility of it all. What’s really most surprising to me is that ONLY 70% of people said they were stressed out about the holidays. That means 30% of those polled have figured something out…

So back to you, how do you maintain your cheerful and holiday-appropriate attitude of gratitude when everyone around you refuses to get with the program and be suitably festive and cheerful?

First, decide that the way you feel isn’t dependent upon anyone else’s enjoyment. So, if someone doesn’t like your cranberry tart, who cares? (They’re wrong, of course, it’s delicious!) Often easier said than done, especially if you find yourself central to a maelstrom of emotions that you can’t help but feel are somehow your responsibility.

When people aren’t happy, it can feel personal. After all, you put in a lot of effort, and all they had to do was show up and enjoy it! In moments when you feel your mood start to slide from merry and bright, give yourself a mental shortcut, something you can think of or repeat to yourself. Something like, I’m exactly where I want to be, doing exactly what I want to do. And if that isn’t true, make it true. You should have a special day independent of other people’s choices.

What makes holiday gatherings meaningful to you, personally? What are the individual elements that make the celebration special?

It’s less about “good food” or even “good conversation.” While Great-grandma Johanna’s stuffing recipe may be a cherished family tradition, it’s probably the making of it that is the most fulfilling. The most memorable holiday moment might happen in the kitchen the night before, where you teach Johanna’s great-great-granddaughter how to make that stuffing. When we can focus more on creating space for meaningful moments, we make ourselves present to something greater than an idea we have about how something should go. We become curious and present. Two things that are required for any magical moment.

Identify the parts that are the most special to you, and put your energy there. Table settings, fourteen different kinds of pie, and refereeing family disputes can be somebody else’s job. And honestly, the rest will be just fine.

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WISH-TV

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Good Day New York

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An Antidote to Existential Fear

Life is full of unknowns. It’s a universal truth that, despite our best efforts to control and plan, we can never fully predict what tomorrow will bring. In fact, there is something deeply unsettling about the unknown. It evokes fear, anxiety, and doubt. We fear what we cannot see, what we cannot understand. And… it is a fear that we all share.

The realization that all of life is unknowable can either paralyze us or empower us. Once we accept that we will never have all the answers, we unlock the possibility to experience life in an exhilarating and profound manner.

This idea that life is unknowable can feel overwhelming. After all, we are wired to seek certainty, to plan for the future, and to protect ourselves from potential dangers. The very real truth is, that there is no way to guarantee that our marriages will be peaceful, that our children will find perfect happiness, or that our dreams will come to fruition exactly as we imagined. Fearing what could go wrong, obsessing and strategizing toward perfect (or even just preferred) outcomes, will only rob us of happiness.

If the unknown is all there ever is and fear is a choice, it stands to reason that we could choose to see the unknowns of our lives differently.

Uncertainty is, at its core, an invitation to explore and enact curiosity.

What could go right?
What gift could I find in this moment?
What opportunities are here for my growth?
How can I cultivate more trust in the process of my life?

The unknown doesn’t have to be a source of dread; it can be a source of possibility. It could simply be an opportunity to connect more deeply with yourself, with those around you, or with the Creator. Here are a few inspired ways to choose something other than fear when faced with the unknown:

Find Deeper Meaning… Anywhere You Can

We are not passive observers of our lives. We are active participants and co-creators. We are the ones who shape the narrative, who decide what holds meaning and what doesn’t. This is where our agency lies.

For some, the act of creating meaning might be very literal and tangible: a piece of art, of writing, or building something through volunteering or entrepreneurship. For others, it might be through the connection they create in relationships, their own personal growth, or the commitment to spiritual transformation. The point is that we are not waiting for meaning to be handed to us—we are actively engaging in the process of meaning-making which is a surefire way back to trust and certainty.

If You’re Overwhelmed, Start Small

Existential fear often stems from the overwhelming idea of “What if?”—we project possible negative outcomes and get stuck in paralyzing thoughts. A helpful approach is to break the unknown into smaller, manageable steps. Take one “what if?” fear and write down small steps you could take to prevent it and then write down small steps you could take if it were to come to pass.

Here’s an example: What if my marriage doesn’t work out?

Small steps to prevent this fear would be researching couples counseling, having open discussions with your partner, or committing to nurture your relationship in new ways.
Small steps to take if this fear should come to pass would be leaning on your support network of friends and family, reinvesting in yourself through therapy or wellness practices, and being open to the possibility of meeting someone new when the time is right.

Again, this is simply a thought exercise that reminds us we can be curious about the unknown and that it’s always up to us how we respond to life—even if it includes things we wouldn’t want to have happen.

Pause, Breathe, Choose Certainty

One of the keys to overcoming an existential fear—like a fear of the unknown—is to commit to certainty while embracing the process of discovery. I have said many times and will continue to say many times: the process is the purpose. Our lives are a series of moments, both planned and unexpected, that offer us the opportunity to grow, learn, and give.

By creating meaning through our own choices, and by reminding ourselves we have the power to choose how we respond, we can transform our fears into a source of great empowerment. The unknown no longer becomes something to dread but something to explore with curiosity and with trust in the Creator.

The world is filled with unknowns at every turn and we might inevitably find ourselves overwhelmed by social media hot takes and 24-hour news cycles. But we don’t have to be. The next time you find yourself standing on the edge of uncertainty, remember that life is a mystery and will be no matter what structures we put in place.

The unknown is not an enemy—it is your greatest ally in creating the life you want to live and the world you want to see.

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The “Bad” Kind of Busy

I know a woman who is wholly devoted to her children. She chose to be a stay-at-home mom, pouring every ounce of her energy into researching the healthiest foods, finding the best extracurricular activities, and constantly learning new ways to communicate positively with her kids. Her dedication is admirable, but there’s a significant problem: in her relentless pursuit of perfect parenting, she often forgets to truly be present with her children.

One day, as she raced across town to drop one child off at ballet and another at karate, her children sat miserably in the backseat. The joy of a birthday party they had just attended was overshadowed by her berating them for eating candy and cake—treats she had reluctantly allowed them to enjoy. She was so busy trying to create the perfect conditions for her children’s upbringing that she was making herself—and, more importantly, them—miserable. Her kids probably won’t remember the organic snacks she packed or the carefully curated activities; instead, they’ll remember the stress and scolding they felt while racing from one place to another.

This is an understandable yet unconscious misstep that many of us make. We become so focused on doing that we forget to be. The “bad” kind of busy isn’t about having a packed schedule or being engaged in various activities. Rather, it’s the kind of busyness that disconnects us from the present and blinds us to the emotional impact we have on those around us. There are a few things at work here:

The Perfectionist Paradox

In trying to check off every box on an impossible ideal checklist, we miss out on the most important aspect of what we’re doing, whether it’s parenting, tending to our health, or working on goals. That aspect is connection. The constant striving to be perfect—whether it’s through organic meals, a perfect credit score, or impeccable discipline—becomes counterproductive when it creates an atmosphere of stress.

In terms of parenting, for example, research published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies, parental stress and perfectionism can lead to increased anxiety and lower emotional well-being in children. Kids don’t need perfect parents; they need happy, present parents who make them feel safe and loved.

Doing vs. Being

I have spoken on this topic many times but it always bears repeating. We often prioritize productivity and self-improvement over simply enjoying life as it unfolds. However, research indicates that mindfulness and present-moment awareness are more strongly associated with happiness and life satisfaction than constant striving. Yet, self-care can often end up being another thing to check off the list. It reminds me of a quote by my favorite poet Rumi, “Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.” Make time to acknowledge that pull and follow it from time to time.

The Cost of Constant Busyness

When we’re perpetually on the move and hyper-focused on what needs to be done, we often fail to recognize the emotional climate we’re creating. This can lead to strained relationships, burnout, and a lack of joy in the very experiences we’ve worked so hard to provide. As the woman in the story above illustrates, even well-intentioned actions can lead to frustration and disconnection if we lose sight of the bigger picture.

So once we understand that we are overdoing, how do we walk it back and bring ourselves into balance? There are handful of ways to do it:

Pause and Reflect: Take a moment each day to check in with yourself. Are you engaging with your loved ones in a way that makes them feel valued and seen? Are you creating stress instead of joy with your actions?

Prioritize Connection: Make intentional choices about what really matters. It’s okay to let go of some activities or lower your standards in certain areas if it means having more meaningful, present moments with your family.

Follow Your Joy: Taking a walk, ordering a special coffee, making time to create something. These are all small ways to infuse your day with a little bit of unstructured joy and stillness. Even just clearing thirty minutes in your schedule to do “nothing” can bring a dose of wonder into the day.

Let Go of Perfection: Perfection is impossible. Accept that you don’t have to be perfect to be a great parent or partner. In fact, embracing imperfection can relieve stress and allow for spontaneity, happy accidents, and joyful interactions.

It’s important to note here that the woman I shared about isn’t a bad mother—far from it. Her intentions come from a place of deep love and care which is true for all of us. But intentions alone aren’t enough when our actions create an environment of stress and pressure for us and those around us. The key to breaking free from the “bad” kind of busy is to shift our focus from doing everything right to being present with the people we love. After all, it’s not the activities we do but the way we make people feel that they’ll remember most.

Let’s remind ourselves that sometimes, the best thing we can do is slow down, take a breath, and simply be. We may have goals and intentions—as we absolutely should—but we can remember that there is really only one thing we are meant to be “doing” which is being a Light everywhere we go. Waking up with the main objective of being a beacon light in the lives of everyone we meet. Not to be perfect. But to be a source of light.

What a beautiful way to be.

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Scorpio: Bitter to Exalted

Welcome to the month of Scorpio. As one of the only months of the year lacking in kabbalistic holidays, this month can feel full of challenges and has a reputation as a bit of a buzzkill. But inherent in this time where things can feel a bit dark, an equally powerful opposing energy exists.

Scorpio energy invites us to see all sides of things, to acknowledge the light and the blessing in any darkness or chaos. This dichotomy derives from the very name of this month:

Mar Cheshvan (Scorpio). Mar means bitter. Reverse the letters, and you get Ram, which means exalted. So, here’s the challenge of the month: turn Mar to Ram, bitter to exalted. Here’s what it can look like:

1. Thank you for not supporting me.

Opposition is a good thing.

It’s incredibly human and normal to see opposition as bad and feel sadness, frustration, and in the darkest moments, hopelessness. However, opposition is the thing that makes for the strongest, most successful people.

When someone stands between us and our goal, works against us, or even on a lesser scale simply doesn’t support our efforts, we have met our opposition. You can choose to feel hurt. You can choose to be angry. Some people may even give up. Feeling this range of emotions is natural, but if you get stuck there, you will never uncover the profound gift that the opposition has for you. It’s only when you stand back up, redouble your efforts, and determine that no opposition will keep you from your goal that the real blessings are revealed.

I speak from personal experience; adversity has forged me into not only a stronger person but a far more compassionate and humbler person than I would have been without the many struggles I’ve overcome.

Most of us are facing at least one challenge on any given day. I invite you to identify that challenge or that challenging person and try to imagine both the best possible outcome and what you will have learned or gained from overcoming it.

2. Knock off all that judgment!

Our life is the sum of all of our thoughts.

What we think influences our words and informs our actions. Are our thoughts supporting and loving or holding us back? Consider negative self-talk, which is almost always rooted in judgment. Overbearing, incompetent, lazy, selfish, a terrible parent, rude or temperamental… obviously most of us would never say any of these things to another person; yet these are the kinds of thoughts we often direct at ourselves. So, why on earth do we direct unkind (and clearly unproductive) thoughts onto ourselves? In a word: self-judgment. And judgment is one of the biggest challenges of Scorpio.

3. Turn that negativity around!

We all struggle with our negative self-talk and are all too often our own worst critics. Here is a journaling exercise for countering these thoughts and shifting our focus to love and kindness, where they belong.

Write down persistent negative thoughts or mean self-judgments.

Reframe each of them as an opposite, positive affirmation.

Negative thought: I’m a terrible parent.

Positive thought: I am doing my best, and my best is pretty good. I forgive myself for my errors and learn from them.

And just like that, you’ve flipped a painful self-judgment into a positive and supportive one. Bad to good, bitter to exalted, lemons to lemonade. This tool works equally well for external judgments, for example:

Negative thought: I am working so hard, and he/she doesn’t even notice or appreciate it!

Positive replacement: I am grateful that I have the resources and ability to do all the things that I do, and ultimately, everything I am doing is because I have chosen to. I know my value and do not rely on the validation of others.

With this tool, when negative thoughts enter your mind, you have a ready, opposite thought to counter it. Remember, negative thoughts are just thoughts, and a thought can be changed.

4. Totally unhelpful, if not downright incorrect, things you believe to be true.

Scorpio is an auspicious time to rethink and reframe our beliefs. Beliefs are powerful, and when they are in alignment with our integrity and goals, they support our success. As positive as a healthy belief can be, the same order of magnitude applies to the power of a negative, untrue belief. False beliefs wreak havoc and too often become self-fulfilling prophecies. Imagine if your false belief is that everyone will betray me, eventually. With that thought in your mind, it will have a negative effect on the way you speak and act towards others with the potential to create an environment wherein you are more likely to be betrayed, thus creating just the situation you most feared.

The quickest way to spot your less-than-ideal beliefs is to bring awareness to your thoughts when you find yourself reacting strongly to something. Do you hear, “Nothing ever works out for me” or, “I never get what I want?” If so, stop and ask, “Is this a fact?” Imagine a scientist is walking into your brain and identifying the thought based on history and evidence. This scientist would find it impossible that nothing has ever worked out for you and would then give you a list of everything that has.

Like the scientist, I invite you to discover and then analyze your negative beliefs. Write them down. Refute them. Then, write a new, true, and supportive belief.

False Belief: I never get anything I want.

New Belief: When I put my effort and focus toward a goal, I often achieve it. List examples of times you have received what you wanted. When it doesn’t work out the way I had planned, that’s okay. Sometimes it worked out better, and other times, I learned a valuable lesson.

Scorpio can be a powerful month for introspection, rooting out negative beliefs, and reframing your thoughts. Doing so will bring into sharp focus all the blessings that you might have missed by being consumed with your challenges. You have the power within you to turn what appears negative to positive—all by thinking differently.

Every single day.

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Sukkot: Breaking Our Routine

This week, we are celebrating Sukkot, a beautiful cosmic window of time when the energy of protection, mercy, kindness, and joy is available to us in abundance. It is an opening of what kabbalists call Or Makif, meaning “surrounding Light.” It represents our potential for greatness, all of the amazing things we have to achieve and give but still need to manifest in our reality. The Torah describes Sukkot as “the holiday of ingathering” or harvest. While it literally refers to the harvest of crops, in modern times, it is interchangeable with the harvesting of abundant blessings and gifts.

We can’t fully connect to this abundance and power of Sukkot without being open to thinking in a different way. It requires a shift. One way that the observance of Sukkot helps us change our thoughts is by changing our environment. For example, in preparation for Sukkot, a Sukkah is constructed— a temporary structure, like a hut, with a roof typically made of branches. Eating, socializing, prayers, and connections are all held in the Sukkah. Men and boys often sleep there at night.

What I find so interesting about many of the kabbalistic traditions is just how smart they are. Rav Ashlag put it like this, “Once one has chosen an environment, one is subjected to it like the clay in the hands of the potter.” We become influenced by the environment instead of being the influence.

The emerging field of environmental psychology focuses on how our environment changes thought patterns and, thereby, behavior. Unquestionably, the bed we wake up in, whether we drive to work or not, what kind of work we do, and who we interact with daily all influence our thoughts. Science tells us that we have between 12,000 and 60,000 thoughts per day and that 95% are the same repetitive thoughts as the day before. Thoughts become our actions, and together, they create our reality. You can see how changing our thoughts would clearly lead to a change in our reality, right?

In one study by the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, a large cohort of German college students were given a personality inventory to measure the “big five” personality traits. Assessed traits were Extraversion, Agreeableness, Openness to Experience, Conscientiousness, and Emotional Stability. Half the students stayed in Germany, and half studied abroad for at least one semester. The study-abroad students showed a marked increase in the areas of Openness, Agreeableness, and Emotional Stability when they were reassessed after returning to Germany.

When we change our surroundings, we change not only our thoughts and behaviors but also our core personality traits, not just temporarily. These shifts are lasting and make for equally enduring changes in our lives.

So, during Sukkot, we sit in a tent for a week. So smart!

We all want joy and abundance. Most of us desire to live up to our potential for greatness and achieve all the goals we have set for ourselves. But we’re not going to get there if we are thinking 95% of the same thoughts every single day. While not all of us can immediately book a vacation or retreat, we can go for a walk, take some phone calls outside in nature, or take a different route the next time we get in a car. The most minor changes to our surroundings can lead to a change in our thoughts.

Sukkot offers us a powerful opportunity to tap into the surrounding Light and harvest blessings, but it requires us to open ourselves to change—both internally and externally. As we step into this sacred time, let’s embrace the wisdom of shifting our surroundings, no matter how subtly, creating space for new thoughts and experiences and manifesting our true potential.

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Oprah Daily

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Oprah Daily

Let It Be Revealed

Shortly after my father’s passing, there was a moment where my older daughter Miriam had walked into the room to hug me. I wrapped my arms around her, hugging her back, unaware that she was wearing one of my father’s jackets. My nose was instantly filled with his scent, and just as instantly, I was transported through so many memories. I had tears running down my face as I saw myself, 12 years old again, giving my father a kiss before he left for work. I was 17 years old, sitting on the couch with him, with my head on his shoulder, watching TV. I was 23 years old and talking with him about my upcoming wedding. A jolt of electricity went through me as I relived these precious moments, all via the vehicle of the scent of my father.

This is what is known as the Proustian moment. College term papers are written about this theme—it’s studied and examined and meditated on. It is defined as a sensory experience, like a smell, that triggers a memory of a time, place, or experience. The term is named after a passage in Proust’s “The Search of Lost Time,” where childhood memories flood back to the author after eating a madeleine cookie dipped in tea.

At Yom Kippur, we get our own Proustian moment, of sorts—though the sensory experience we’ll have will be more of a spiritual one. On Yom Kippur, we don’t eat or drink because we want to allow our body and soul to elevate to the highest spiritual level. By abstaining from food, drink, and physical comforts for this 25 hour window, we disconnect from the material world as a way to connect as clearly as possible to the spiritual realm. By doing this, we raise our consciousness and, from there, are given the opportunity to remove any negativity that we have accrued throughout the year.

Similarly to the way my experience after my father’s passing sent me through a cascade of memories, Yom Kippur will take us through a tour of our unconscious moments. Moments when we, knowingly or unknowingly, created negativity. There’s so much that we are unable to see—we are probably conscious of about 10% of the negativity that we have created or that we carry—which is why the purpose of the prayers on this day is to clean out everything fully. The Creator can only remove the things we are aware of, and bringing them to mind allows them to be removed and transformed.

This might seem like a harsh undertaking, but I’m going to illuminate two things to help you see it from a new perspective.

First, think of it like a rundown house. There are cracks everywhere, the paint is peeling, the sink is leaking, and the foundation is eroding. Yet, the person who lives there has lived in that space for so long that they don’t even notice anymore. Maybe they hung pictures over holes in the wall or covered a crack in the floor with a rug. They stop being aware of the damage. They may even have a friend who is a carpenter who offers to help them fix things, but as they walk through the house, they pass by blemish after blemish because they simply can’t see it anymore. They’ve deluded themselves for so long that the damage and the flaws start to just feel normal. But they are not the reality we want. When we address the unconscious negativity and repair the damage we find, we can live a more authentic, fulfilled life.

Second, nowhere are we more unconscious than in the ways we have hurt and damaged ourselves. Yes, we want to take into account how we have hurt others and it is imperative that we do so. But not to the detriment of ourselves. Our most unconscious judgments, evil speech, and negative actions are often the ones taken at ourselves. As you move through the hours of Yom Kippur and as your subconscious thoughts from the last year are revealed to you, remember to extend compassion toward yourself. It is so important to prioritize this consciousness upfront so that you don’t take it into the next year.

As you move through the hours of Yom Kippur and you are met with various states of discomfort, either physical or emotional, remember to ask the Creator for assistance. Connect with the Creator with the intention of gaining sight. Allow the negativity and damage to be fully revealed to you so that it can be fully removed. Let this Proustian moment of the soul take you to places that you wouldn’t otherwise go so that you might experience a level of Light that you never thought possible.

You will be giving yourself the greatest gift of all and will, in turn, be giving that gift to the world. A world desperately in need of your light.

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