Monica Berg's Blog, page 36

The Stories That Keep You Safe (And Also Hold You Back)

Human beings are, by nature, storytellers. Stories are also one of the best ways we learn. Consider this story:

Once upon a time, a little girl named Alison awoke in the middle of the night. Her room was filled with bright moonlight, but Alison couldn’t see the moon. She put on her slippers, opened the front door of her house, and stood in her front yard peering up at the sky. But she still couldn’t see the moon! Alison wondered if maybe the moon was playing a game of hide and seek! So Alison decided to look for the moon across the street. She looked both ways, but when she was across, still there was no moon! Alison kept searching and searching for the moon, and before she knew it, she was hopelessly lost. Nothing around her looked familiar. Where was the big oak tree she could see from her window? Where were the blue shutters on Mrs. Peterson’s house? Alison became very afraid.

It’s easy to see how much more effective that story is than just telling a child, “you must never go outside alone at night.”

Just as stories are a powerful technique for teaching, the stories we tell ourselves are supremely powerful. My self-narrative is that I’m capable and a hard worker. Other people I know don’t have such a positive self-narrative. Imagine if you approached the same situation but with different stories. The outcome is likely to be widely variable depending upon what you believe about your abilities. If, for instance, you believe you will fail, then that will likely be the outcome. 

Events that we have experienced are the origin of all our stories. Beware though: just because you cut your knee on a reef snorkeling one time does not mean it will happen every time. Too often, we filter out everything but the one negative thing that occurred and thereby lose out on countless opportunities.

We also have a tendency to write stories that misattribute positive experiences to the wrong thing. Troy believes that he only has fun at parties when he drinks. He thinks that if he doesn’t drink, people will be bored by him. Instead of believing that he is inherently charming and good company, Troy gives all the credit to alcohol. He falsely believes that he is not interesting. If he isn’t interesting, then it follows that people will not want to talk to him or be his friend. If that happens, he can’t be disappointed, because he isn’t an interesting person.  

It’s a vicious cycle.

Like the story about the little girl who became lost looking for the moon, the stories we tell ourselves have the same goal: to keep us safe. Safety isn’t going to make you happy. Safety doesn’t get you closer to fulfilling your potential.

Which isn’t to say that we shouldn’t learn from our past missteps. Let’s talk about regret (likely we all have more than a few of those). Regrets are actually not a waste of time. They’re worth considering. 

It reminds me of the film “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” In short, a couple has a painful and unhappy breakup. They both opt for memory deletion, which is widely available in their alternate reality. Both choose to erase all the memories they have from the relationship, good and bad. At the very end of the movie, they find their way back to each other, unburdened by any of their past actions or feelings. While some may see this as a happy ending about a fresh start, I’m not so sure ignorance is bliss. I lean toward imagining that those who forget their history are doomed to repeat it.

People often go through life wishing they could erase the most painful, hardest, difficult times in their lives. Those are the moments we grow and learn from the most. But if we’re going to do that—to learn from our errors and past—we can’t dodge the inevitably painful memories.

Looked at with curiosity and an open heart, seeing where we went awry and how we can do it differently next time is an opportunity to refine and redefine how we see ourselves and which stories are serving us and which are not.

We are who we are this very moment because of previous experience. Through that lens, our mistakes aren’t bad; they’re merely part of our journey. We can waste so much of our life regretting the past (a scary and sobering thought) that we don’t enjoy the present. And unless you grab hold of the self-defeating tale we tell ourselves, who’s to say we won’t be living out those same stories ten years from now? 

“Hello darkness, my old friend/I’ve come to talk with you again” —Sound of Silence

So when it comes to reframing the stories in our minds, where can we start?

First, negative thoughts and stories are absolutely normal. We are wired for a negativity bias, and this goes back to safety. Imagine 10,000 years ago a hunter-gatherer who is recounting his day to his fellows. He visited ten caves that day, looking for nests with eggs. In all but one cave, he found eggs. But in one cave, he found a bear. It’s not hard to see why a negativity bias was a positive evolutionary trait! After all, a positivity bias would have likely meant forgetting about the part with the bear entirely. Not safe.

So it’s perfectly normal for a negative thought to surface when you are faced with a challenge. Also known as cognitive distortions, they pop up in times of stress and reinforce self-defeating beliefs. Job interviews are anxiety-inducing for a lot of people.  Rather than preparing to discuss all your excellent skills and qualities, your thoughts may wander into unhelpful territory. “What if they don’t like me? What if I can’t find the right words and sound stupid? What if they ask me something I don’t know?”

You can’t know all the questions that will be asked, but you can prepare by rehearsing what you know. You can also consider areas where you may not have experience. Everyone has them. If asked, be honest. Nobody is good at everything. 

A great tool for combatting your negative thought patterns is to say and believe their opposite. 

One simple mantra for a job interview: 

I interview incredibly well. This is my opportunity to interview this company to decide if I want to work there. I trust that I will end up where I’m meant to.

Thinking about it that way can be so freeing. Now you aren’t on the spot, being mercilessly grilled by strangers. Instead, this is a conversation among equals, with both parties garnering the information they need to make the best decision.

Ban Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance, as defined by Merriam Webster, is the psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously.

Imagine Andrew, who believes he is unlovable. Andrew meets Kelly, and they really hit it off. Kelly behaves in a loving way towards Andrew, which causes Andrew to experience discomfort and confusion. Andrew then tries to explain away Kelly’s loving actions so that he doesn’t have to accept evidence that he is, in fact, worthy of being loved. 

I’ve seen so many Andrews and Kellys over the years. The way that most people confront their cognitive dissonance around their false belief that they are unworthy of love is to determine that the person who loves them is actually deeply flawed and shouldn’t be in their life at all. Thus, Andrew tells Kelly they just aren’t a good fit and breaks it off. Problem solved! Get rid of the deeply flawed person who purports that they love you, and then you’ve successfully rid yourself of any evidence that endangers your false core belief. 

It would be wonderful if Andrew could objectively see that Kelly loves him and use that as evidence to challenge his underlying belief. It’s just that simple. Change that underlying false belief. 

So why is it so difficult for Andrew and so many others to change a false belief? In most cases, those false beliefs keep us safe. Andrew is not going to be heartbroken or rejected if he maintains the belief that he isn’t worthy of love, nor will he be able to accept love and thus will struggle to have a fulfilling relationship with anyone. 

A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.

You owe it to yourself to rewrite your false narratives. Your brain’s priority is not your happiness. It’s your survival. But you absolutely have the ability to choose how you respond to the world and what stories you believe. Once you discard your false beliefs, you may be a little less safe, but the payoffs are immense.

 

Rethink Moment: Consider a painful time from your past. Did you go through a difficult divorce? A sad end of a long-time friendship? Did you make a mistake that landed you in legal trouble? Did those situations create false beliefs that you still have today? What may you believe that keeps you safe but doesn’t help you grow?

 

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Nutritious Life

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High Vibin’ It

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Nutritious Life

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You Got That Joy

Who doesn’t want to be happier and more joyful? 

Happiness and joy. While these words are synonyms, for the sake of clarity, let me share how I distinguish between the two. There are different levels of this emotion. In the hierarchy of happiness, let’s call joy the epitome and happiness the more fleeting, lower expression. Happiness comes and goes and is often dependent upon external circumstances: like finding a $20 bill in the dryer, getting into the college of our choice, or eating a piece of chocolate. 

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being happy, but feelings of happiness are “like a butterfly that lands on us and then flutters away,” according to the Dalai Lama. 

Joy is a little different. It’s an inside job—and it’s available to us all, no matter the circumstances. Joy is a deep feeling of contentment that is stable and not swayed by the fickle winds of happenstance. Joy can reliably be experienced when we put others before ourselves— it isn’t dependent on what is happening around us or to us. In fact, frustration and challenges don’t need to rob us of our joy (the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, and Nelson Mandela showed us all that one can maintain joy despite great struggles in life). 

The kabbalistic holiday of Purim offers us all a chance to stoke our internal level of joy and to transform any negativity that exists within us and in the world. It’s the pure energy of joy. And that’s why this time of the year is so powerful. But to access the Light, we need to do one thing: We must open our hands.

When someone asks us for help, we automatically want to know the “why?” If a friend needs a place to stay for a few nights or requests help paying their bills, you may ask them how they got in this situation. You may (or may not) want to help, even if you have empathy for their situation. 

But on Purim, it is best to just give— to anybody who asks, no questions asked. Who they are, what they’ve done in the past, and what they will do in the future doesn’t matter. We let go of judgment and give with an open heart and mind. By giving, we open ourselves up to the Light, the joy that is Purim.

The kabbalists teach there is a realm of existence where everything is perfect. No disease, pain, suffering, or challenges exist. There is no darkness. It’s the most elevated realm of reality, and, most of the year, the Light of that perfected world isn’t revealed. But it’s here for us on Purim, and just as we give, we can also receive. If our hands—our consciousness—are open, it will pour itself upon us if we connect and ask for transformation for ourselves, for others, and for the world. We can get everything we need. 

This perfect realm of lasting joy permeates our world and has the power to remove all negativity, judgment, and suffering. The more awakened we are to connect to that world, the more we draw in. There is no blessing we can’t access; no assistance we cannot receive. By opening our hands, we open the gate to perfection–and bring it into our lives.

Purim opens the gates to joy. The blessings that you most need in your life are waiting for you on this day. 

Our primary task on Purim is to cultivate our joy, but I posit that should be our mission everyday. Imagine if you asked yourself every morning, “How can I create more joy today for myself and others?” To make your life and the lives around you better, give generously of your time, resources, and love. By putting your best self into the world, you will do your part in helping to transform the world.

 

Rethink Moment: My mother-in-law, Karen Berg, once wrote: “The greatest freedom of all is to have an open heart.” Is there someone in your life who has their hand out for help? Respond with non-judgmental support, with an open heart, and a true desire to make their life a little easier. Happy Purim!

 

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Nutritious Life

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Letting Go

Climbing. 

It’s always been a big part of my process. Striving, building toward the next big goal, and welcoming the work needed to get there is second nature to me. I embrace the challenges. I even expect obstacles and opposition. Whether “climbing up” to achieve more in work, in purpose, in being, or as a mother, wife, friend, and sister, I understand and accept that I need to put hard work into all I want to do and become. Funny as it may seem, hard work is easy.

Where do I struggle? Letting go.

Isn’t that ironic? Letting go should be the easiest thing to do. There is no work inherent in letting go; it’s the opposite of work.

And yet…

I was reminded of this lesson recently during a family outing. On that particular Sunday, I thought it would be fun for my family to physically challenge themselves at a rock climbing, ninja center gym. It seemed like an opportunity for all of us to do something active, unusual, and fun together. 

Little did I know I would be the one most challenged by our fun family day. (This often happens, by the way. I suggest activities for my family that I think will be super fun, and then I end up unexpectedly challenging myself. Perhaps, subconsciously, that is why I choose to do so).

After ascending a tall rock-climbing wall (a very tall wall), I was presented with two options at the top. I could climb back down (which is so much harder than climbing up, by the way) or leap from that great height, then let go, and trust my safety line to slowly and gently lower me back down. 

Looking down from the top, I was a bit surprised to be awash in fear. I found myself nearly paralyzed by my fears of what could go wrong. “Is this rope going to catch me? Does it ever malfunction? How much wear and tear has it had to endure?”

Risk assessment completed, I decided to eschew the potential hazard of shoddy safety line maintenance and climb back down, handhold by foothold.

Back on the ground and covered in sweat, my reluctance to jump bothered me. It felt… familiar. This sort of trepidation was something I’ve felt and faced in the past. I mean, I wrote a book called Fear Is Not an Option. How could I NOT make that leap from the top? So, I visualized all the times I had to let go in my life and trust the Creator to have my back. Like the time I was starving myself nearly to death when I had anorexia. Or the time I gave birth to my second child and within hours was given the news of his Down Syndrome diagnosis. Or, on a smaller scale, the times I conquered my fear of elevators, roller coasters, and ice skating. I told myself, “You have this! You have done this in the biggest ways, so go do it in the physical world and choose to LET GO!”

Resolute, I climbed back up to an even higher wall. At the top of that wall and against every instinct, I leaped with total certainty that everything would function perfectly. I jumped, hugged a punching bag, slid down, and hung suspended from the safety line as it did its job.

This time, after arriving safely on the ground, I wasn’t met with perspiration but tears accompanied by another familiar feeling: A feeling of being completely at one with the universe. Loved. Protected. Safe.

For me, the challenge isn’t the climbing. It’s the letting go. 

We all have experienced that reluctance to jump, to let go, to know that we are not in a position to control the outcome. Think about riding a bike for the first time. Do you remember when your father let go of the bike, and you took off? It must have been scary, exciting, and you were likely unsure of your ability to ride without support yet wholly willing to try. There are so many moments like these in our lives. Think about the first time you climbed onto a diving board and looked into the blue water below. Did you jump off the very first time? Some kids fling themselves from the diving board with admirable elan and the perfect absence of fear. Most climb up and down a few times before attempting it. Once you jumped, wasn’t it exhilarating? Or the first time you climbed onto a horse and rode, just you and the pony, on a trail. Or maybe when you went away to college and waved goodbye to your family. When you walked into your first job, sat down, and became part of a team. Or the other “jumps” when you didn’t know what the future would bring, like deciding to marry or have children. We have so many experiences that are essentially leaps of faith. 

Thinking we have control over anything is the biggest illusion and one that causes great unhappiness. We all have a human need for security, and that need is what drives us to attempt to control our surroundings, our relationships, and even other people in our lives. Yet, we don’t have control over it all. That can be a scary thought, but I encourage you to reframe it. If control is impossible, what would happen if we just embraced the unknown, certain enough in ourselves and the Creator to know that we can handle it?

You already know how to do this. You rode that bicycle all by yourself. You climbed onto the horse, jumped off the diving board, fell in love, and got a new job. We have no guarantee that things will work out as we expected. Yet, understanding the risks, we decide the leap outweighs them. What will you decide to do next? 

Rethink Moment: Have you had an experience where you had a hard time letting go and trusting the process? How did it turn out? And how did you feel? Tell me about it in the comments.

 

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One Life Radio

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Emerging from Our Big Sleep

It’s time to wake up to The New Moon of Pisces. 

Every month in the kabbalistic calendar was created with the essence of one of the letters of the Hebrew alphabet. By understanding the letter of the month, we can better understand its gifts. Pisces was created with the letter kuf, which is the only letter of the alphabet that goes below the baseline and sets Pisces apart from all other months. Just as the kuf extends downward, below the surface, we can get to the root of our challenges and change them at their source. 

Because of this ability to go directly to the source, Pisces is a powerful month and one with myriad opportunities for new blessings and greater abundance. There’s no trick, but there is one requirement: we have to be ‘awake’ enough to see everything. Awake—not in the sense of the opposite of sleep, but awakened, aware, and alert. 

Questions for greater wakefulness:

Do I need to change paths? (in work, health, habits, or relationships)

What area(s) of my life are on auto-pilot? (parenting or friendships perhaps)

What am I becoming more of? (am I becoming more of the person I’d like to be?)

I love this kind of introspection; in fact, I have made it a daily practice. Because every single day can and should be filled with more joy, blessings, and fulfillment than the day before. And if it isn’t, then you have the power to fix it, to transform darkness into light, to change what doesn’t serve us or bring us joy. We can recognize that no matter what’s happening—especially when it’s sad, disappointing, frustrating, scares, or angers us—instead of blaming circumstances, luck, or other people, we can instead connect to the knowledge that everything that happens to us is for our best. It is not random; it is an opportunity for greater sharing and personal transformation. 

This is all for the best. I trust the Creator and the process of life. – Rav Berg

Life will always have its challenges. All that we experience—even if it comes in the form of chaos or something we don’t want—is ultimately for our greatest good and will bring us closer to our true potential. 

That level of trust and certainty make it so that even big challenges (lifequakes is a term I like) don’t affect us. Instead, we greet challenges as opportunities for growth with curiosity and openness.

Many of you know that my second child, Josh, was diagnosed with Down Syndrome shortly after birth. The doctors spent a great deal of time talking about what that might mean for him physically, as well as what to expect developmentally as he grew. They spent so much time underscoring who Josh wouldn’t be that I was awash in fears of his future, in uncertainty in myself and…in him. 

I went through several different stages of grief before coming through the other side fully awakened to the gift of this beautiful soul that is my son Josh. Of course, he wasn’t a punishment or a problem to be solved. At that moment, I discovered I had to change my core beliefs and redefine what I thought it meant to be the mother of a special-needs child. Once I changed my limiting core beliefs, my feelings of gratitude and appreciation were and are so powerful. Josh’s diagnosis was a lifequake, but the experience and my subsequent process were completely transformational. 

This is all to say that we are all going to have challenges, and we are going to experience some sadness, and we will get through it to the other side. But, having certainty in the process will shorten the time it takes you to get through it.

Take a look below the surface of the challenges you’ve been facing lately. Is there a silver lining in these pandemic-driven months? Has homeschooling, while challenging, given you a deeper understanding of your child’s learning style and who they are at their core—something you might never have seen or recognized? Have you witnessed the extraordinary strength, good humor, and resilience of a family member who has been locked down for months? Have your pre-pandemic goals shifted in a positive way? Has the past year left you less judgmental? Stronger? Changed your opinion about what constitutes a meaningful life? I wager the last year has changed us all. 

Rethink Moment: This month, if you find yourself frustrated by a situation, “wake” yourself up.  Instead of reacting in anger or frustration, take a step backward. Ask yourself, “What is the opportunity for me here? What do I need to learn?”  How can you rethink an experience you’re dealing with now?

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Nutritious Life

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