Monica Berg's Blog, page 32

Ancient Wisdom Today

The post Ancient Wisdom Today appeared first on Monica Berg.

Why are you still doing that?

The leaves are beautiful in New England at the moment, marking the passage of summer. The vibrant hues of fall always make me keenly aware of time. Time is our primary guiding force, always moving forward. We remember the past, plan for the future, and gauge time to plot out the progression of our goals.

With time inevitably comes change. And I’ve had a lot of changes lately. Instead of bemoaning the necessity of change, I’m excited to embark on a research expedition into additional exercise methodologies. The strenuous dance routine I’ve loved for several years isn’t out the window, but I know my ankles aren’t ready for jumping just yet. And everything is on the table! Pilates, why not? Spinning, sounds good! Swimming, maybe. Cross-training, yes, please! Rock climbing, a possibility!

I love running, and I ran long distance for many years. But at a point, I determined that daily long-distance running was no longer the right fit for me. So I switched to dancing. I’m at the cusp of another big shift. Like all of us, I am in a constant state of evolution. Just because I’ve always exercised a certain way doesn’t mean I shouldn’t change it up. And this doesn’t just go for exercise.

Take Daylight Savings Time as an excellent example of something that we do because we’ve always done it, but the reasons it began are increasingly irrelevant. We recently re-entered Standard Time, wherein it feels like the sun sets soon after lunch. The dreaded changing of the clocks in spring and fall only began around 100 years ago. But this inconvenient idea originated in 1784 from the mind of one of our most beloved historical figures, Benjamin Franklin. (I guess not every idea can be a good one.) The premise was to align the clocks to daylight hours and thus save on energy costs, which at the time were either candles, oil, or coal. I like candles, but I do not rely on them primarily for my evening illumination needs.

And I’m not alone in my feelings about this antiquated spring and fall ritual. A 2020 poll of Americans found that only 28% like switching the clocks back and forth. (Who are these people?) Now, where it’s interesting is the other 72% anti-DST crowd. Forty percent vote for Standard Time year-round, and 31% like the hour shift and would make Daylight Savings a year-round norm.

Not only does the time change wreak havoc on both our internal clocks and international flight schedules, but it’s downright dangerous. The fall switch back to Standard is the ‘easy’ time change and far less hazardous than the spring forward to Daylight Savings. The springtime change leads to greater workplace injuries, more car accidents in the week following, and a significant increase in heart-related illnesses, hospitalizations, and even death. A 2014 study estimated that the increased risk of a heart attack on the Monday following a shift to Daylight Savings Time is 24% greater than the Monday before or after. These negative outcomes are all linked to an average loss of 40 minutes of sleep the Sunday night of the time change. Leading me to ask, how is this worth it?

It’s a crazy argument when you think about it. “Let’s decide to change time.” Meanwhile, Hawaii and most of Arizona are having none of it and make themselves content with Standard Time year-round. There is a rising tide of anti-time change sentiment with some form of legislation or resolutions to banish it altogether or conversely use Daylight Savings year-round in Alabama, Georgia, Minnesota, Mississippi, Montana, Oregon, Idaho, Louisiana, Ohio, South Carolina, Utah, Wyoming, Arkansas, Delaware, Maine, Tennessee, Washington, Florida, and California.

No matter your stance on Daylight Savings Time, I encourage you to ponder if you have any old routines that no longer make sense. Most of us have some DST-level thoughts or behaviors that, while they may have served us in the past, we’ve outgrown yet still engage in. Consider if you are doing anything just because you always have. If so, does that old pattern still work for you?

Perhaps you have habits you’ve evolved past. Maybe you have a relationship that seems like it has you stuck in a previous version of yourself. For example, many people find themselves falling into old roles and behaviors around their families. Can you evolve those relationships simply by being this current, more evolved version of yourself? Maybe you need to embark on a different path of study and let your curiosity run beyond the bounds of your current expertise. For some, like me, it may be time to shake up a well-worn and trusted exercise routine. Maybe your role models of what a successful adult looks like include seriousness, discipline, and hard work. Not bad qualities at all. But perhaps you can evolve by adding spontaneity and fun to your days.

Look hard, and I bet you’ll find your own Daylight Savings Time operating in the background of your life that is more trouble than it’s worth. Don’t get stuck in old ways if they no longer serve you. Catch any thought that sounds like, “Well, it’s always been this way….” We’re all a little like the 72% of Americans who disdain DST but continue to be locked into its cycle. Just because it’s always been one way doesn’t mean you can’t make another way.

PS. Exercise and supplemental vitamin D are especially good ideas for combatting any time change struggles you may be feeling.

The post Why are you still doing that? appeared first on Monica Berg.

The Simple Math of Fulfillment

Over the past 60 years, scientists and researchers have identified seven primary or fundamental emotions, sometimes called the seven ancient emotions. They are:

SEEKINGRAGEFEARLUSTCAREPANIC/GRIEFPLAY

These seven emotions are so fundamental that they have similar functions across species, from people to cats to rats. So what feels good to us feels good to animals, and what doesn’t feel so good won’t feel good to other mammals. Four of the ancient emotions are positive: seeking, lust, care, and play. Rage, fear, and panic are obviously not positive.

What makes these seven emotions different from other emotions like frustration or love is that they do not originate from the cerebral cortex, which is the area associated with complex thought in humans. Instead, these come from deep, ancient brain structures, including the amygdala and the hypothalamus. These are the old structures that developed to ensure our survival. One important function of the amygdala is connecting emotional meaning to memory. The hypothalamus controls body temperature, thirst, hunger, sleep. So you can see how integral these brain structures are to basic survival.

Neuroscientist and psychobiologist Jaak Panksepp spent years researching how to stimulate different parts of the brain to produce different emotions. He worked primarily with rats and earned the nickname ‘the rat tickler.’ Tickling was how he referred to electrically stimulating parts of the brain, and he could tell when he was stimulating the Seeking system because the animal would begin exploring and sniffing.

After decades of research, Panksepp deduced that the most important of the seven emotional systems is the Seeking-Expectancy system. It impels us to seek out information from our environment. Our urge to seek is so powerful that it can lead us to choose potentially painful and unpleasant outcomes that have no apparent benefits, even when we have the ability to avoid these outcomes altogether!

In one experiment, people facing a situation that was uncertain (and had a high potential for being negative) would investigate—despite almost certain discomfort.

College students in a lab thought they were waiting for a different experiment to begin. The researchers “left” some colored pens on the table and told the students the pens had been from a previous experiment. By setting it up this way, students assumed they weren’t being observed, so their interactions with the pens were unaltered by the observer effect.

The researchers told the students that

● green pens were innocuous

● red pens would deliver an electric shock if clicked

● yellow pens might deliver a shock if clicked, but it wasn’t a sure thing.

Some yellow pens and all red pens did generate electric shocks of approximately 60 volts. Which was painful but not dangerous.

“Participants clicked more of the uncertain-shock pens than both the certain-shock pens and the certain-no-shock pens. Apparently, their desire to resolve the uncertainty (curiosity) led them to click those pens, and thereby exposed them to painful electric shocks,” the researchers write. Our irresistible urge to know and understand may lead us into unpleasant experiences illustrating just how powerful our Seeking desire is.

In Panksepp’s research, he also found that when one of the negative emotions like Panic/Grief is being experienced, it shuts down the Seeking system, which in turn causes depression. Without the seeking function encouraging us to forage, explore, investigate, be curious, become interested and experience expectancy, we don’t feel happy. And when the Seeking system is turned off too long, it can result in depression.

Seeking is so innate to our make-up that we might have a difficult time at first identifying our own seeking behaviors. But, the minute you wake up, the Seeking system is active.

Where is the coffee? What will the weather be like? Should I take a sweater? Where is my cell phone? What’s in the news? Are the stocks up or down? Where are my shoes? What should I eat for breakfast? What does your schedule look like? How many appointments do I have today?

The Seeking System is implicated in everything from our constant desire to derive meaning and make connections to its most excessive manifestation—addiction. Cravings are the very definition of seeking behavior going too far, to the extent that it is harmful.

Interestingly, in observing both people and rats, Panksepp found that it is not the reward that makes us feel euphoric, but the search itself.

So, scientifically, the process IS the purpose and certainly the area where we experience the most joy and fulfillment. And seeking is what we should do this month.

Interestingly, the Hebrew words for the months are less ‘words’ than letter constructions based on specific letter combinations with some Aramaic influence. So in the word Kislev (Sagittarius) we find our first clue. “Kis” comes from ‘kisui’ meaning concealment.

This month we understand that things are going to be hidden and also that we can find blessings and Light in places we normally cannot. So, in essence, this month is all about seeking, and it’s our most powerful asset for our spiritual work.

The reason we do spiritual work is because we know that we came to this world for a specific task. We want to understand that task, so we get curious, we explore, we learn, we ask questions because that is the purpose—our never-ending desire for fulfillment.

Seeking, that innate instinct, was given to us to make sure we are constantly seeking the things that give us fulfillment, like evolution, growth, and connection. It’s why seeking is hard-wired into our being.

If we stop seeking, we stop growing. We will never feel fulfilled. It’s really that simple.

How you feel and what you think about first thing in the morning is a good indicator of how strong your seeking desire is. If most days when you wake up, you are inspired, you are excited, that is an indication that you are on the right path. If not, then change something. Do something else. Seek out a different path.

I often set goals for myself, and then I work diligently, often for years, to achieve them. And once I have, I never take a moment to celebrate them. I do think it’s important to celebrate our accomplishments, but for me, the joy and fulfillment are really derived from the process. Also, I know that there is always a next step and always a higher purpose, so I’m never satisfied with where I’m at today. I am always seeking the purpose for why my soul entered this world. And that purpose will crystalize more and more as I push myself.

Chanukah is later this month and, with it, the opening of an energy that kabbalists call the “concealed Light.” During Chanukah, the “Gates of Heaven” open to us more than any other time of year. It is a time of abundant Light. To access this abundance of Light, we have to believe that we are capable and worthy of receiving it. After all, what we know about ourselves is who we become.

To reveal the concealed starts with dismissing all the limitations that you believe you have. You are only limited by your consciousness. The concealed Light is actually the light that is within you. It is concealed by us. Because we limit ourselves, we limit our consciousness.

We can tear down the barriers that we ourselves have built by seeking new ways of thinking and changing the way we think about ourselves. We can seek out new opportunities, new connections; we can seek the limits of our certainty, push to the very limits of our strength and will. We can believe that we have enough power to alter our lives and influence the happiness and fulfillment of our friends, family, and the world.

Because that is what is available. We all have the responsibility to seek it out.

The post The Simple Math of Fulfillment appeared first on Monica Berg.

Be Each Others Heroes

How do we want to show up as characters in other people’s stories?

Last week we talked about those moments when someone said or did something that made your life fundamentally better, called lollipop moments. Because we never know when something we say or do will be pivotal to someone else, it’s pretty crucial that we be mindful of all our interactions. Even the ones that seem mundane, maybe even especially the ones that seem mundane. But, if we’re honest, we don’t always interact as our best selves and almost certainly appear in someone else’s narrative in a less than favorable light. While we can be the character who shows up at a critical turning point with an encouraging word, we can just as easily be the villain of that story. Or perhaps worst of all, have no impact at all. We get to decide, and we decide in every moment, facial expression, and word that we say. We decide with our kindness or our lack thereof.

Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts.
-George Matthew Adams

These little moments, both good and bad, leave an indelible impression and have the power to inform our choices and beliefs long into the future. This is especially true of children. Most of us can vividly recall something critical one of our grade school teachers said about one of our early masterpieces. Even as adults, one critique delivered thoughtlessly could ignite deep-seated doubt or insecurity. It definitely has the ability to sour the whole day, perhaps the entire week.

The truth is, we rarely know what is in someone else’s heart or on their mind, so we should strive to go gently and with kindness as if everyone is constantly at a tipping point, vulnerable to our impact.

But we don’t.

We’re human. But we can strive to be better. We can own every single day how powerfully we can impact the lives of everyone around us, from our closest friends to the young man bagging our groceries. Because when we don’t believe we are powerful and we don’t own our influence, we don’t watch our words. We don’t think what we say has any lasting importance, and that carelessness can be hurtful, unsupportive, or even cruel.

I still remember the math teacher who belittled me in front of my peers and how that shook my confidence as a student for many years. My husband remembers the enmity that his 8th-grade teacher had for his father, which transferred to Michael every day in unkind behaviors witnessed by his entire class. We all have a story like this, and the reason I want you to think of these painful experiences from your past is to galvanize you to not make their mistakes.

Most people haven’t heard of Roddie Edmonds, but his actions during his imprisonment in WWII were heroic. He was an American Master Sgt. captured in 1944 during the Battle of the Bulge. A humble young man from Knoxville, Tennessee, he found himself the highest-ranking officer among more than 1200 American servicemen being held at the Stalag IXA POW camp. The Wehrmacht had a policy of segregating Jewish POWs and shipping them to labor camps where they had a very low survival rate. Because of this, Jewish soldiers were warned to destroy any evidence identifying them as Jewish if they were captured.

It was January 1945 when the German camp commander ordered only the Jewish POWs to fall out, meaning to gather and stand at attention in front of their barracks. Knowing that about 200 of his fellow soldiers were in grave danger, Roddie Edmonds said, “We’re not going to do that,” and instead instructed all the American servicemen to fall out. That was his moment, the moment that Roddie wrote his own role into the lives of every American serviceman in that camp.

All 1,275 soldiers stood at attention in front of the camp commander. Infuriated, he shouted at Edmonds, “You can’t all be Jewish!”

Edmonds replied, “We are all Jews here.”

At which point, the camp commander pointed a gun at Roddie Edmonds head and said, “You will have your Jewish men step forward, or I will shoot you on the spot.”

Edmonds replied, “If you shoot, you’ll have to kill all of us and stand for war crimes after we win this war.”

The camp commander stomped away.

Roddie Edmonds never told that story. His son Chris only found out about it after his father’s death. One of the soldiers there that day sold a house to Richard Nixon. When interviewed for the story about the house sale, Lester Tanner, the previous owner, told the story of how a Master Sergeant named Edmonds had saved his life in the POW camps during WWII. His son, Chris, just happened to read that article. As to why his father never told the story, Chris said, “I think that he thought it was part of his responsibility, his duty, not only as a soldier of the U.S. Army to protect his men but also as a Christian, a man of faith, to do the right thing for his fellow man.”

Most of us, thankfully, will never find ourselves in the position that Roddie was in. Yet, he did not have to stand against that German commander. No one would have faulted him for inaction. And all the men who stood with him that day certainly didn’t do it because they were forced to. They had choices as well. And those collective choices are the reason those 200 Jewish soldiers survived, and over 75 years later, the reason a whole generation of families exists.

Certainly, not every moment will result in life or death consequences. But the point is we all have the capacity to be someone’s hero.

So, I ask again:

How do you want to show up as a character in someone else’s life story? You get to choose.

The post Be Each Others Heroes appeared first on Monica Berg.

Surgery, Lollipops & the Profundity of a Moment

A few weeks ago, I was struggling to get myself in the right mindset for my upcoming ankle surgery. The surgery was unexpected, a little daunting, and it came with hours of prep tasks, from interviewing surgeons to arranging school pick-ups. I was in the weeds, as the saying goes. I like that turn of phrase, which means ‘immersed or entangled in details or complexities’ (for those of you who haven’t heard that expression). I like the visual of it, too. Imagine being on the ground surrounded by tall weeds—from that place, you can see a lot of details and what is right in front of you, but you can’t see the big picture, the horizon, or what lies just on the other side.

At this time, I received a call from a girl whom I’ve known since she was a baby. Like me, she was facing surgery (her’s was for her foot), and she was feeling a little down and anxious about it. I put on my mentor and spiritual teacher hat, and we talked.

When I hung up, she felt great and very confident about her upcoming surgery, and I wondered, why can’t I do that for myself? Everything that I said to her was true, and it all applied to me, too! But, why couldn’t I feel it?

And then I ran into an acquaintance from my workout group, and upon hearing my news, she responded with unbridled enthusiasm bordering on childlike wonder.

“WOW! They can fix it!” she said. “There’s a SOLUTION! That is incredible. I’m so happy for you.”

She said it with such simplicity and sincerity. And I heard it. They can fix it! How incredible is that?

Really incredible, actually. There IS a solution.

Then I felt it, and everything shifted.

It struck me that each one of us can be that voice of support, that person out of nowhere who cares enough to say the right thing at the right time. She might not remember that short conversation in a year, but I guarantee I will. It makes me wonder how many times I’ve been in her place and how many conversations I’ve had now lost entirely from my memory that impacted another person in a powerful way. It’s a good reminder that even our seemingly insignificant interactions can be critically important to someone else.

I’m not the only one to recognize the power in those moments. In 2010 Drew Dudley gave his famous “Everyday Leadership” TED Talk, in which he challenged his audience to consider how simple yet profound our ability to impact one another is. Drew tells a story of how on his last day of college, a woman approached him and told him a story he did not remember; the story of how he completely changed her life for the better.

Four years earlier, on the first day of school, this young woman felt out of place, overwhelmed, incapable, and resolute on leaving before classes had even begun. Just as she decided she would not register for classes and instead go back home with her parents, Drew appeared. He came out of one of the student buildings dressed ridiculously, holding a sign for a charity she had previously been involved in supporting.

Drew, carrying a bunch of lollipops, headed towards this woman, turned to the young man standing next to her and urged him to offer her a lollipop, causing him embarrassment. Drew then proceeded to make a joke to this woman’s parents, “Look at your daughter, the first day away from home, already taking candy from strangers!”

Years later, she caught up with Drew and shared that it was at this moment everything shifted for her—the laughter eased her nerves, she felt like she belonged, and she knew she shouldn’t quit school. And the icing on the cake? She was still dating the shy man who Drew cajoled into handing her a lollipop. A few years after that day, Drew received an invitation to their wedding. That is the impact Drew had on this woman’s life, all from a moment he had forgotten entirely.

This inspired a new realization for him and led to the coining of the phrase – lollipop moments.

Lollipop Moment: a moment when someone said or did something that you feel made your life fundamentally better

Wow, right? We influence the people around us every single day and yet, have little awareness of our influence. We have all had experiences like this—sometimes we are Drew, and other times, we are the timid freshman. One kind word could be all it takes to encourage a person to take the plunge, be courageous, and pursue a dream that terrifies them. The thing is, we never know when we’re tipping the scales in a person’s life, sending them in one direction or another.

And because we never know, we have to treat every conversation like it’s a lollipop moment. Like it matters. Like it has the power to shift the course of someone’s life. Because it might be just that important to someone else. It’s a little frightening to accept just how much our words can affect the course of another person’s life. There’s a real responsibility there.Yet, we consistently underestimate our own power.

Remember, ONE person started the coronavirus epidemic.

We think our most significant impact and the most powerful way to impact the world is through our work, the things that we do, the talents that we cultivate. Drew Dudley puts it like this, “We’ve spent so much time celebrating amazing things hardly anybody can do that we’ve convinced ourselves those are the only things worth celebrating.”

We devalue the powerful transformative ways in which we can be a force for good every day. We don’t let ourselves take credit for these moments or feel good about them. Or, we simply don’t know about these moments because no one has told us how impactful we’ve been.

Who in YOUR life has profoundly impacted you?

Have you let them know? If you haven’t, and you can find them, tell them today!

The more we let other people know how powerful they are, the more they begin to recognize that power and embrace it.

The post Surgery, Lollipops & the Profundity of a Moment appeared first on Monica Berg.

Accept Any Kindness

Receiving, especially receiving help, has been on my mind a lot lately, as I recover from ankle surgery. My recovery has kicked off with a month of zero weight on my right leg, meaning crutches and a shower stool (oh, the horror). So the simplest of things, like carrying a coffee cup upstairs, is far beyond my ability making me reliant on others for a lot of little tasks I took for granted.

Forgot my Tylenol on the 3rd floor, but now I’m in the kitchen? Oh well, that Tylenol may as well be in Utah.

When Michael is home, it’s all smooth sailing. Getting his help feels like getting help from the Creator— it’s selfless, kind, and full of compassion. He never lets me know that my needs are inconvenient, even when sometimes I’m sure they are.

Not everyone has been so gracious. Some of the assistance I’ve received was offered with resentment bordering on hostility and just left me feeling bad and like I was a burden. It’s so easy to feel when someone is giving from a place of true care… or not. I realize experiences like that reinforce my negative thoughts around receiving help, cementing the false belief that help comes at too high of a price and will leave me feeling hurt and disappointed.

I don’t think I’m alone in having some complicated emotions around receiving help.

But on the other hand, the few forays out in public that I’ve made on my crutches have been met with an unbelievable amount of kindness. New Yorkers always seem to get a bad rap for not being the nicest or the friendliest (which has never been my experience) but introduce crutches into the mix, and New Yorkers are angels. It’s really something to see. And I have welcomed the kindness of strangers, wholeheartedly. They race to open doors, they clear a path with a smile on their faces, and they take a moment to offer their empathy and compassion. That part of this experience has been really heartening and uplifting.

Through acts of sharing, we are transforming into our very best selves. We all know the opposite of giving is receiving. Without anyone to receive, how can we share? Perfectly sensible, yet, I have a real block when it comes to receiving. It’s laughable when you think about it; I believe that the purpose of life is sharing, and yet I don’t want to find myself on the receiving end of generosity. Don’t get me wrong, I do want to receive kindness and love from others, but I have found it is easier for me to receive from people I am not as close to. The people I hold nearest and dearest to my heart are the most difficult to accept help from. Seems like it would be the other way around. But maybe it is because I want those relationships to be on equal footing. Which is punny, considering I am down to half of my footing.

Help sounds deceptively simple, but it’s actually a multi-step process from asking for help to receiving help, and finally, the most complex aspect of the whole process, sorting through my feelings about having been helped. I dislike having to need help, and that’s where it all starts. No one likes to feel dependent on other people. I don’t love asking for help, either, but until people start becoming better mind readers, I suppose I will have to start getting more comfortable with it.

Yet, I love being asked for help! I genuinely enjoy helping other people. When we give, we do it voluntarily, we choose with whom to share, when we want to share, what we are going to give, where, and how much or how frequently. We are completely in control of our giving.

When we receive, we are not in control. We can’t control what people offer us or how they show kindness. This is a major source of discomfort when it comes to receiving. You only have two choices, accept or reject. Often we reject. Think how many times someone has offered to pick up the check or tried to take a heavy bag and carry it for you. “No, no! I’ve got it, but thank you!” we exclaim.

Of those times we do allow ourselves to accept a kindness, often it’s given and received at face value. Other times, there’s an aftermath.

I remember a certain relative who, if she gave you something, at some point, you were going to have to pay her back. No matter how small the gesture, you were going to OWE her according to the detailed tally she kept in her head. I personally do not ascribe to the reciprocity dynamic of giving and receiving, but many people do expect to receive at a later date a gesture of equal value. However, as with my relative, some people have a skewed perspective on what constitutes an equal gesture; in her case, it means doing anything she wants at any time. There are a lot of scorekeepers in the world, and I don’t want to incur the judgment of someone who is keeping track and perceives me as indebted.

Sometimes, people have agendas and give to prove something either to themselves or someone else. Others thrive on martyrdom. If at all possible, I decline help from them. It’s far too complicated.

Before my surgery, I was having a conversation with my Mom and contemplating the kind of help I might need. And she said something I thought was really powerful.

Accept any kindness offered. Any kindness from anyone.

It struck me in its simplicity.

So I’ve been trying it. One of my friends offered to do a bodywork session for me as a friend to help with my recovery. I was moved to tears. I decided to accept her offer and am grateful I did.

When it comes to asking and receiving help, I have options, and you all know how I love options.

A I can accept that there are so many people in my life that would show up for me if they knew I wanted them to. All I have to do is ask.

B Still knowing that there are so many people willing and kind who would love to help, but if I refuse to ask for help (especially when I really do need some support), in essence, I am just pushing people away, which makes me feel lonely. AND is completely unnecessary, as made obvious by option A.

It’s pretty clear when I put it like that.

Option A. Accept any kindness. Final answer.

Wish me luck.

The post Accept Any Kindness appeared first on Monica Berg.

Where Judgment Ends, Kindness Begins

Going out on a limb here, I’m going to posit that when most of us wake up in the morning, we don’t open our eyes and decide that today would be a perfect day for beating ourselves up for our past mistakes, focusing on shortcomings in our character, and picking apart everything wrong in our relationships, homes, jobs, or even our bodies. “Today, I am going to make it my mission to judge my friends/ children/ partner/ co-worker for being inept/ unsupportive/ selfish/ stupid,” said no one, ever (I hope.)

And yet…

Those thoughts are insidious. Sneaky. And for most of us, even before we’ve finished our morning coffee, we’ve identified at least one thing or person in our lives we find lacking. While it’s a fine line between discernment and judgment, all too often, we stray too far afield to purely judging. Especially this month.

We have just entered the month of Scorpio, which is one of the only months of the year lacking in kabbalistic holidays. For many people, this month can feel dark—fraught with emotional upheaval, challenges, and judgment. But just as light cannot exist without darkness, inherent in this month is vast potential to turn things around. It is a month made for renaissance. Full of hope. Ripe for change. It’s about doing and being all that you have the potential to do and become.

But we can’t make it there while we’re busy making judgments. Judgments block energy and hold negative patterns in place.

“The more one judges, the less one loves.” ~ Honore de Balzac.

In fact, the more we judge, the more we are judged. The more we judge ourselves, the more we will judge others. To counteract the tendency to judge, we need to practice kindness, all the time, but in this month especially. We start by being kinder to ourselves, and then that inevitably makes us kinder to others. In fact, the more kindness we practice, the more kindness we invite into our lives.

I study and write about a lot of ideas on a variety of topics. But I seem to always find myself coming back to these 2 ideas: change and kindness. My first book, Fear Is Not an Option, is about understanding fear and changing how we respond to it. My second book, Rethink Love, covered everything from knowing yourself and what you love, to fighting, to friendship, but the common themes seemed to always come back to kindness—being kind to yourself and your partner. Rethink Love also invites readers to change the way they think about love, what love is, expectations around what love is meant to provide, and what love demands we give.

Change & Kindness.

To become kinder, we quiet our desire to receive for ourselves only and increase our desire to receive for the sake of sharing with others. It’s not always necessary to change what we want, but why we want things.

To change our health, thoughts, relationships, and habits often begins with an intention of being kinder. In the case of our health and habits, we might begin with an intention of being kinder to ourselves. Relationships are transformed by being kinder to others.

Change and kindness are inextricably linked, and they are the very antithesis of judgment.

Scorpio #Goals:

1. Eradicate judgment by replacing it with kindness. Check.

2. Live up to your potential and manifest positive change.

That sounds daunting and like a pretty tall order to live up to one’s potential. But what does that even mean?

For me, it means striving to reach the capacity of my strength, will, and intellect to be the best version of myself. What I find interesting is how far the bar continues to move. Where I am today was perhaps the totality of my potential ten years ago, but because of everything I’ve done and who I’ve become in that process, my potential has grown to match it. So, perhaps it is not so much about meeting your potential, because I don’t think anyone ever does. Rather, it’s about pushing the boundaries of what you think you are capable of. And here’s a kabbalistic secret: you are capable of so much more than you can imagine.

Striving to reach the pinnacle of what you are capable of achieving, learning, and sharing sounds like a worthwhile goal. Yet, how much thought do we give it, day-to-day? Honestly, reaching my potential isn’t always something that gets much attention. For many, the idea is almost laughable, as they consider all the things they could do but with what time? They contemplate all the effort it would entail and discard the thought. We’re doing a pretty good job right now, after all. Sure, we could do more, but if we’re grading on a curve, most of us think where we are now is pretty respectable. It’s easy to let ourselves off the hook.

Allow me to reframe the issue. By not making an honest effort toward our potential, we are stealing from the world. As an example, if we have the potential to help five people in this lifetime and we only help three, we have stolen the help of the other two. Rav Isaac Luria explains further that for every talent and opportunity we do not make use of, it is tallied on a list of what we will owe. In essence, every time we fail to strive for the capacity of our potential, we are thieves. Those are pretty strong words, and rightfully so, if they wake us up to the idea that reaching our potential isn’t a nice thing to do if we have time, it’s an imperative.

Each one of us has come to this world with a unique purpose that only we can do. If we don’t do our work, literally no one else can do it for us. Everything we do matters. Everything we don’t do matters. We have to change the way we view our own potential.

I challenge you every day for the next 30 days to push the limits of your capabilities. Can you be kinder?

Can you be more thoughtful?

Can you be more present and engaged?

Can you put more effort into a project or goal?

Can you learn more?

Can you be more?

Yes. Yes, we all can.

The post Where Judgment Ends, Kindness Begins appeared first on Monica Berg.

My Tango with Unintended Consequences

Without getting into too many details, the saga of my broken air conditioner has me pondering unintended consequences. (It’s fixed now, thankfully.)

I saw an article in the New York Times that shared a statistically significant difference pre and post-pandemic in the number of near-sighted second graders. 13% developed nearsightedness in 2019 vs. 20% in 2020.

Meanwhile, another study in 2018 found that being outside for just a few hours a day helped reduce the risk of nearsightedness in children. The Times article proposed that one unintended consequence of virtual learning was less time spent outdoors, which consequently caused an uptick in nearsightedness among 2nd graders. Incidentally, time spent in nature isn’t just a nice thing people can do. In fact, a lack of outdoor activities is thought to be linked to the development of certain psychiatric disorders and obesity. Coined ‘nature deficit disorder,’ it’s clear that we are just beginning to understand the effects of our predominantly inside, sedentary lifestyle.

Here’s another interesting fact, only children and oldest children are most prone to developing allergies. Over 30 different studies worldwide have shown that subsequent siblings are far less likely to develop allergies, eczema, and asthma. In addition, children raised on farms are much less likely to develop those same autoimmune disorders.

What do having siblings and being raised on a farm have in common?

Greater exposure during infancy to a number of environmental triggers from bacteria to viruses, to plants, to animals.

So, continuing the theme of unintended consequences, most parents of highly allergic kids choose to keep them inside during peak allergy seasons, avoiding all that pollen from grasses and trees to avert allergy flare-ups. That means far less time outdoors, which, as we now know, can increase the propensity for nearsightedness.

The data seems to indicate that nearsighted adults with allergies weren’t born with the DNA fating them to nearsightedness and allergies. Imagine if their Mom had made a different career choice, raising trees on a farm, for instance, or they’d been born a middle child instead of an oldest, perhaps they’d have perfect vision and no allergies.

(Now they’re middle children, though, and take it from me, that is its own challenge!)

It’s like dominos, except we never know what the consequence will be.

Take prohibition as another fascinating study in unintended consequences. When the sale of alcohol was prohibited in the US in 1920, experts predicted a boom in other industries where the money previously spent on alcohol would be diverted, things like consumer goods, real estate, and entertainment. Didn’t happen. It turns out the federal government in the first year lost out on $11 billion from excise taxes on liquor sales alone. Crime increased. Saloons went underground, becoming speakeasies. At the end of the day, nobody benefited because the people who drank alcohol didn’t stop. They just became lawbreakers.

My favorite unintended consequence of prohibition was the marked increase in the number of people who became rabbis. Why? Because wine was allowed for religious purposes only.

Not all unintended consequences are harmful at all. Unexpected benefits of our choices are just as prevalent. For instance, an unexpected benefit of the Covid pandemic quarantine and sheltering policies resulted in the greater flexibility of our workspaces which has permanently changed the way many of us work. Many workers enjoy greater work/life balance from working in home offices, either full-time or with a hybrid schedule.

My examples were of some big, broadly observable ramifications, but the law of unintended consequences (and benefits) is actively at work in every one of our lives. Everything is important, but usually never in the way we think.

While we can never predict unintended consequences, this is a reminder of how much power we have to affect the people and the world around us. The seemingly inconsequential choices we make reverberate in ways and in areas that we could never imagine. The smallest acts of mercy and kindness can literally change the trajectory of someone’s life.

So, let the lady with one item go ahead of you at the checkout line.

Let in the guy trying to merge into your lane.

Choose kindness.

Look for opportunities to share.

Make amends whenever you can.

While usually we never get to see the long-term results of our small choices, they still matter. Small acts of goodwill are never small—they have the power to change the world. More than we will ever know.

The post My Tango with Unintended Consequences appeared first on Monica Berg.

Want Change? Go Sit In a Tent!

This week we are celebrating Sukkot, a beautiful cosmic window of time when the energy of protection, mercy, kindness, and joy is available to us in abundance. It is an opening of what kabbalists call Or haMakif, surrounding Light. It represents our potential for greatness, all of the amazing things we have to achieve and give but are not quite yet manifesting in our reality. The Torah describes Sukkot as “the holiday of ingathering,” meaning harvest. While at face value it refers to the harvest of crops, it is also the time for the ingathering of all the blessings and gifts that are available.

We can’t fully connect to the abundance and power of Sukkot without thinking in a different way. It requires a shift. One of the simplest ways to change thoughts is to change the environment. A Sukkah is constructed for use during the seven days of Sukkot. A Sukkah is a temporary structure, like a hut, with a roof made up of branches. Eating, socializing, prayers, and connections are all held in the Sukkah. Men and boys often sleep there at night.

What I find so interesting about many of the kabbalistic traditions is just how smart they are. Rav Ashlag put it like this, “Once one has chosen an environment, one is subjected to it like the clay in the hands of the potter.”

The emerging field of environmental psychology focuses on how our environment changes thought patterns and, thereby, behavior. We engage with our surroundings. Unquestionably, the bed we wake up in, whether we drive to work or not, what kind of work that we do, who we interact with daily, all influences our thoughts and actions.

In one study by the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, a large cohort of German college students were given a personality inventory to measure the ‘big five’ personality traits. Assessed traits were Extraversion, Agreeableness, Openness to Experience, Conscientiousness, and Emotional Stability. Half the students stayed in Germany, and half studied abroad for at least one semester. The study abroad students showed a marked increase in the areas of Openness, Agreeableness, and Emotional Stability when they were reassessed after returning to Germany.

Ergo, when we change our surroundings, we change not only our thoughts and behaviors but our core personality traits, and not just temporarily.

So, on Sukkot, we go sit in a tent for a week. So smart!

But, most of the time, we aren’t sitting in a hut, studying abroad, or going on vacation. We are going about our day-to-day routines. The average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day according to research published by The National Science Foundation. Of those thoughts, 95% are exactly the same repetitive thoughts as the day before.

How can that be?!

If your routine doesn’t change, you wake up at the same time in the same place, make coffee with the same equipment in the same kitchen, drive the same route to school or the office, your day unfolds according to your routine until you go to bed at night… When you think about it like that, it’s not surprising at all how repetitive our thoughts really become. And this sameness of thought is death.

I don’t use that word lightly.

Having 95% of the same thoughts day after day is like being trapped in the plot of the movie Groundhog Day. There is no creativity, no change, no growth when stuck in this loop. It’s not just spiritual death either. Thinking the same thoughts, over and over, doesn’t create new neural pathways in the brain, and over time, can result in cognitive degeneration. Neuroplasticity is paramount.

Merriam Webster defines neuroplasticity as: the capacity for continuous alteration of the neural pathways and synapses of the living brain and nervous system in response to experience or injury.

Dr. Michael Merzenich is known as “the father of brain plasticity,” and he explains that travel, new experiences, and learning languages make it far less likely to experience cognitive decline. Anything that gets us off auto-pilot will create new neural pathways and lead to greater neuroplasticity.

Changing our environment, going on a trip, trying a new food, challenging ourselves to get outside the comfort zone, learning something new, and experiencing unfamiliar customs or processes shouldn’t be goals for someday when we have time. These things are the purpose of life, not the rewards of hard work to be relegated to ‘some day.’

“There’s just one way to radically change your behavior: radically change your environment.”—Dr. B.J. Fogg, Director of Stanford Persuasive Lab

We like to think that our thoughts drive our habits, but Fogg’s research has found that it’s the cart driving the horse. We take cues from our surroundings, take mental shortcuts, and ingrained habit kicks in, despite whatever our intentions to change those habits may have been. That’s why it is much easier to change a habit when you are away from home and away from all the visual cues and routines.

We all want joy and abundance. Most of us desire to live up to our potential for greatness and achieve all the goals we have set for ourselves. But we’re not going to get there if we are thinking 95% of the same thoughts every single day. Make a conscious effort to change your environment, expose yourself to new ideas and opportunities, and break out of your comfort zone of habit and routine. While not all of us can immediately book a vacation or retreat, we can go for a walk, take some phone calls outside in nature, or take a different route next time we get in a car. The smallest changes to our surroundings can lead to a change in our thoughts. Do it for your brain, it’s desperate for some new neural connections!

The post Want Change? Go Sit In a Tent! appeared first on Monica Berg.

The Light from Darkness and The Deepest Joy: Yom Kippur

“Our true destiny is not the pain and suffering that can seem so pervasive in the world, but a joy and fulfillment beyond imagining.” — Michael Berg

Yom Kippur brings joy to the Creator, and in turn, the Creator gives that joy back to all of us.

On Yom Kippur, you ask? An entire day of no eating, drinking, or bathing probably doesn’t sound joy-filled or fulfilling, but that’s the point. It creates the perfect condition for the practice of calling on positivity even when the physical looks and feels constricted.

We can’t access the gifts of Yom Kippur by being good people or spiritual people.

I know that sounds counterintuitive. However, we actually reveal the most Light and make the most significant impact in moments that are hard and where we struggle.

The Zohar says, “Light is only Light if it comes out of darkness.”

So, there are two kinds of Light. Let’s describe Light as the blessings, energy, and reverberations from good deeds, thoughts, or actions.

1. Light from Light

This is the way it feels when you’re having a great day, everything is flowing, and you are generous and kind to everyone you meet. We all love days like that when everything feels right, and just before you fall asleep, you think what a great day you had. And all those positive interactions do reveal Light in our world.

2. Light from Darkness

This happens on the challenging days when nothing seems to be going right. You’re frazzled and harried and probably a little short-tempered. Those are the kinds of days that you feel like you aren’t being your best self. But, in the midst of that ‘bad day, let’s say you stop for even 10 seconds to help someone else. Or you take 10 seconds to think about a spiritual lesson and try to realign your consciousness. Those moments are Light from Darkness and the impact of those moments are far more powerful than what you may think of as more extraordinary acts of kindness or good. That one minute is worth more than 100 minutes of Light from Light.

It’s the work we do when it is the hardest that reveals the truth of our being. It’s the sharing we do when it’s difficult or the kindness we offer despite our misgivings or reservations that make the most difference that transforms our souls to the greatest degree. It’s not powerful because it was hard for the sake of being difficult, but rather because those moments gave us the opportunity to go against our nature.

The reason that Yom Kippur is the holiest day of the year is because it is comprised of all those moments we were able to transcend our bad day, grumpy mood, or challenging situation. The Creator gathers all that energy of Light from darkness and makes it available to us on Yom Kippur.

In that energy is everything we want for the year to come for ourselves and others. It is all available to us, every blessing imaginable.

We disconnect from the physical world as a way to connect as clearly as possible to the spiritual realm. By fasting, we raise our consciousness and are thereby given the opportunity to remove any negativity we have accrued throughout the year. An important lesson of Yom Kippur is that for the 24 hours of this window, we only experience joy, fulfillment, and peace despite physical comfort.

And not to create more stress for anyone, but it’s a pretty important window in time because how we experience the 24 hours we observe Yom Kippur dictates the blessings that we will receive in the coming year.

For these 24 hours, we bring ourselves to a place where we experience only joy, fulfillment, and peace. No matter how the current circumstances look. No matter how the physical picture looks.

The only time you can receive blessings is when you’re in a state of happiness. Why? Because like attracts like, so if you’re in a state of sadness, you can’t attract Light and blessings. Only happiness can do that.

We all can manifest blessings in our lives every single day. But too often, we get stuck in a pattern of only noticing what we lack or the things that aren’t working. As we continue to focus on these things, we create more of them through our thoughts, words, and actions. Just as we can draw positivity to us, we can draw negativity in the same exact way.

I love this story that Jim Carey shared with Oprah.

He told her about the early days of his career and how hard he struggled during that time. He was barely scraping by and had nothing except his dream of becoming an actor. However, instead of accepting and succumbing to his circumstances of lack and seeming limitation, he would consciously visualize all the things he wanted. This empowered him to continue in his pursuit.

Eventually, he took this practice one step further and wrote himself a check for $10 million for “acting services rendered” to be paid on Thanksgiving three years from the date he wrote it. He carried it around in his wallet every day, and it became tattered and worn, but it gave him the constant reminder. A reminder that success was on its way. Three years went by, and as Thanksgiving rolled around, he learned that he would be making $10 million on a film called Dumb and Dumber. The rest, as we know, is history.

As Jim Carrey illustrated in his story of manifestation and success, it takes time for a thought to manifest. It needs the consistent power of our attention and energy.

“From the supernal worlds, we can draw blessings according to how we are.” – The Zohar

Being joyful means being connected to the Creator and to each other, without judgment of ourselves or anyone else. Being sad, disturbed, worried, or upset is the last thing you want to feel on this day.

On the evening of Yom Kippur, we wish each other Gamar Chatima Tova, meaning ‘blessings for your year.’ It’s more than just a tradition or a social nicety; it is significant because the more people we genuinely wish well upon, the more blessings will come to us – and the more people wish us well, the more blessings they will receive.

This is the idea I’ll leave you with. It’s important to do our individual work, but it is also important to assist and support others in theirs.

“This is the gift given to us on Yom Kippur—not religiosity, but an opportunity to increase and improve the spiritual and physical quality of life of all human beings.” ~ Rav Berg

Gamar Chatima Tova!

I wish you a joyous Yom Kippur connection!

The post The Light from Darkness and The Deepest Joy: Yom Kippur appeared first on Monica Berg.