Monica Berg's Blog, page 29

The Six Stages of Motherhood*

*Allow me to begin with a disclaimer: No two mothering experiences have ever been the same. In fact, they are as unique to each parent and child as are fingerprints or snowflakes. What IS true, though, is this: Nurturing another life is a profound and transformative agent of change, both for those being nurtured and for ourselves.

In fact, I’d argue that being a mother has been the single MOST powerful growth experience of my life! And, while the highly abridged stages below are based upon my own observations as a mother to four children, aspects of this journey apply to anyone who has played the role of caretaker or nurturer.

That said, if I were to title the process of raising an 18-year-old more accurately, I’d have to call it “The 6,570 Stages of Motherhood” because every day reveals something new! But for our purposes, let’s keep it easy and settle for the six main stages most mothers go through:

1) The “Dreams of Motherhood” Stage

I dreamed a dream… of being a mom. When we’re happily expecting, we dream dreams with a new sense of purpose in the world. We imagine our children as we wish them to be: happy, healthy, and well-adjusted, bringing delight into our hearts and homes, offering us unconditional love. They will change the world–starting with ours–in the most positive ways. This is our time for excitement, for nesting, and for envisioning who WE will become as a mother.

We are certain that we will be patient and kind and encouraging and brilliant. We will do it so much better than our parents did. We’ll be Mom of the Year, at least in our own family… right? And naturally, we’ll keep a perfect life balance and look our magazine-cover best at all times–even while feeding at 2 a.m. after days of sleep deprivation. (But we’re not thinking about all that silly stuff, are we?) The optimism is astounding.

For how can we possibly anticipate the up-and-down tidal wave of change charging our way? And soon enough, the mystical experience of birth sets it all in motion.

2) The “Reality” Stage (What? I’m a Mom? With a BABY?)

Never could we have imagined someone being so dependent on us. It’s pure bliss. AND PURE TERROR. When you realize that you are a MOTHER, and that this tiny being relies on YOU for her every need, your entire self-concept is shattered–then rebuilt–in the same instant. Your baby is fragile and perfect, despite the spit-up currently being spewed all over your favorite just-washed t-shirt.

And if you have a child who has special needs (as happened with our Josh), you go through yet another level of shifting (and fear). Through it all, you grow both your knowledge and your capacity not only to love, but to accept and handle whatever comes your way. You swerve. You bend. You lose sleep and fall out of touch with the world for a while. The depth and breadth of your role hit you–this is for life. Always, and forever.

3) The “Patience-Pushing” Stage (Because eek! Those little ones… )

The toddler years are both universally challenging and universally rewarding for our personal growth. This stage offers us the opportunity for new levels of patience, thankfully balanced with awe and delight. When our little one gains a new skill such as standing, walking, riding a tricycle, or going down a slide, it seems a marvel right up there with quantum physics. I mean, how did that tiny, helpless bundle become this little person? And why is she screaming for more ice cream?

But in growing this little person, we feel ourselves stretch. We recognize where boundaries are needed (one of those ongoing parenting lessons) and where our level of social discomfort lies. Case in point: you know that toddler throwing a fit in a restaurant? Um, yeah, so do I. In fact, I’ve known four of them quite personally. (Okay, maybe three. Josh was much more easygoing, barring a few PT fiascos.)

We soon realize that beyond that all-consuming social decorum lies the Real. World. Of. Parenting. And sure, wiping snotty noses and serving apple juice may not qualify as the most glamorous of duties, but these acts teach us more about our humanness than any high-paying job can hope to.

4) The “Captain Mom” Stage (My, how quickly they grow!)

When our children are in elementary and even middle school, we’re like the captain of some strange expedition of quick-morphing small folk. Still the safe harbor for our young explorers’ increasing radius of activity, we feed them, drive them, host their parties, go to their sporting events, and sign them up for summer camp. We’re planners, cheerleaders, teachers, and role models. And they are watching, even when they’re not watching. Meanwhile, as they’re learning all about life and their sense of place in the world, we’re discovering our own behavioral patterns, growing our parenting toolkits, and, in managing little lives, we’re upgrading the mismanaged parts of our own. (Wait–was that school play on the calendar? I need a better calendar!)

We lean into our kids’ worlds (I mean, me? A dance mom? Who would’ve thought!) We facilitate that first bike ride or ski hill. We cultivate a sense of family. That little tornado of a toddler finds what psychologist Erik Erikson calls a “sense of industry.” She bakes cakes, walks to school, discovers her moral compass, and acts for a cause. We, too, become more industrious. We become involved in the PTA… help with that geometry homework… volunteer for field trips. Through our child’s growing autonomy, we reconnect with ourselves a little more. We begin to remember who we are, who we were, outside of being a mom. The fog in the mirror clears a little, even as change remains our only constant.

5) The “Pseudo Separation” Stage (Ah, teenagers…)

They’re driving, or someone they know is about to take the wheel. They’re heading out with friends, wading (or jumping) into the dating world, maybe even spending a semester overseas. They’re practicing for that push-from-the-nest to come, but they’re not quite there. They’re still watching us (hawk-like, and often with rolling eyes) while fluttering their wings. In her book Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst mused that “A normal adolescent isn’t a normal adolescent if he acts normal.” Hello, truth! They may walk and talk like adults, but the minute we decree a very sensible curfew, kiss adulthood goodbye…

Our teens challenge our thinking. They push the rules and our hot buttons. And as they find their independence, we, too, rediscover ours. We coach, we inspire, we nudge them towards the edge of the nest. At times we’re good and ready to push them over; at other times, we want to hold them here forever. We grow brave. We cry, we laugh. We let go.

6) The “Onward” Stage (Parenting our adult children)

The best we can hope for is that our children will meet the world with principles and aspirations of their own. They may be in lockstep with us–or not even close. Yet when they come back for our approval or advice or blessings, we know we’ve done our job. We can strive to provide these without smothering (it’s no accident that “mother” appears in that word!). Most of all, we can respect and love them for simply being who they are. Likewise, we can rediscover who we are and forge a new path for who we might yet become.

Being a mother (by any definition) requires us to stretch and change over and over (and over) again.

I know that I am not the same person who dreamed those dreams for my unborn children, or who feared motherhood, survived toddler tantrums, and played taxi to a gaggle of kindergartners. My children have grown (though not all have flown), and so have I. If we’re lucky, we’ll all continue to evolve, both individually and together. We will keep engaging each other. Amusing each other. Challenging each other.

As they say, Once a mother, always a mother.

That’s the one–and perhaps the only–thing that will never change. That’s the forever part, the part that transforms us from the inside out. The part that connects us with all the mothers who ever came before, and with all those yet to be.

The post The Six Stages of Motherhood* appeared first on Monica Berg.

Taurus: Beyond Those Greener Pastures

It’s Taurus: the opportune time to heal ourselves and the world. Like the hibernating bear who senses the warmth of spring and begins to stir, we are awakening to potently revitalizing energies this month. The winter has passed; we’ve experienced the transformative influence of Nissan and have begun to part those metaphorical seas in our lives. Now we tap into the powers represented by the bull. The question is, will we be lulled by the sun in the pasture, ignoring or forgetting what lies beyond the fence? Or will we gather that bullish strength and charge out to meet our potential?

Because although Taurus represents supreme physical brawn, the fact remains that the bull is also a lover of those sun-warmed grasses. Taurus loves all things bright and positive, so the energy this month may make that pasture feel all too comfortable.

And all this optimism is wonderful… but…

When we buffer ourselves from the darkness to the point of convincing ourselves that it doesn’t exist, we ironically blind ourselves with the light–or, as Rav Berg put it, “the light becomes our shadow.” Kabbalah teaches that everything is in balance, and that understanding and working with that balance is key to affecting change in ourselves and the world. While we want to remove negativity and darkness as much as possible, this cannot happen without our acknowledgment of its presence in the first place.

We can start by taking a hard look at our own personal areas in need of growth and repair. Do you need to work on patience? Exercise more? Heal an old wound by talking it out with someone? This month brings us the muscle to do so successfully.

And beyond ourselves (and our pasture fences) lies the world, both with its wonder AND its calamities. The energy of gevurah, or judgment, is abundant now and plays an important role in our worldly awakening.

This month that power of judgment can help us do less stepping back (or lolling in the pasture) and more stepping forward. More stepping up. As the Rav wrote, “[In the month of Taurus] we can emerge from our bubble and see the world for what it is, take action, and be sensitive to others. We can engage the world and all its problems, even if it means losing some of our own peace and tranquility. We can risk change without fear.”

Granted, upstanding of any kind takes courage. In her book Why We Act, Amherst professor Catherine Sanderson shares the ways our will to act can be influenced by others. She cites a University of Pennsylvania study showing that if only 25% of a group takes a stand on an event or issue, either positively or negatively, a new norm will be established. For instance, when students know that their peers will stand up to a bully, they’re more likely to stand up themselves. Likewise, when a robbery occurs on the subway and most people ignore it, complicity becomes the default and seems acceptable to everyone there. The bottom line, as Sanderson sees it, is this: “A single voice can be enough when that one person gives others the courage to speak up.” Or to act. This is our month to be that voice–to look around, see the problems within and without, and to be the change.

I remember one day, a few years back, when our daughter Abigail was lamenting the actions of one of her friends who was not behaving kindly. She shared that she didn’t believe that this friend, or that anyone, ever loses their kindness… but that sometimes they just cannot find it. It’s still in them, even when they don’t see it. Such wise words from a child (which is so often the case!). For any of us at any age, real growth requires us to first recognize an issue, and then to believe that it can be changed. While Abigail couldn’t necessarily change this friend’s behavior, she could envision the best in another and behave accordingly. Gandhi’s advice to “Be the change you want to see in the world” begins with awareness of its need!

While the awakening, powerful, and healing energies of Taurus are with us this month, ask yourself where you stand and where you need to stand up more:

What aspects of myself need addressing, changing, or repairing?

What important issues am I ignoring in the world, and how might I take action this month to help improve them?

Change is not easy; growth is not comfortable. But both are necessary if we are going to live a life of purpose, joy, and fulfillment. Facing those dark spaces may not always be picturesque, but the world to come needs us to see them so that we start the healing. As my husband Michael shared, “If we even had a glimpse of our true potential, we’d be pushing more strongly, changing more quickly and connecting more powerfully. During the month of Taurus, we can come to a deeper understanding of who we are and what our potential is.”

So go ahead, take a little nap in the sun. After a long winter, it feels wonderful, doesn’t it? But afterwards, let’s get up, shake ourselves off, and look deeper within and beyond those pretty wildflowers. Let’s balance our rest with some unrest. Because this month, we’ve got the strength to move not only fences, but mountains, too.

The post Taurus: Beyond Those Greener Pastures appeared first on Monica Berg.

After All, It’s Only Natural

With Earth Day upon us, I’ve been thinking a lot about the nature of Nature. The idea of Nature and all things natural has infiltrated most every corner of our lives–from psychology (it’s “in her nature”) to our food (those “natural flavors” are the best, right?) to the genuine quality we describe in the “natural state of things.” Nature has become somewhat synonymous with an aspect of authenticity, and it’s no wonder.

Kabbalah teaches that the Creator is All, and All is the Creator. There is no “us” and “them” when it comes to the natural world. There is only the We.

And I feel this myself when I’m away from the city, or when I’m able to look past the traffic and the human-made structures enough to tune into the richness of life beyond. I feel less “me” and more “we” when I notice the clouds, the wind, the sounds of birds, the change in colors. When I’m optimizing my body and spirit, when I am honoring and using them in ways that feed them, I feel like Nature and I are working hand-in-hand! And I’m overwhelmed with gratitude.

In every moment, we touch the Earth, and it touches us back in ways we rarely consider. The breath you just took isn’t just air “out there”; it is cycling through your lungs and delivering oxygen to support most every function. And that’s not just the ground; it’s the point of connection where our homes are built, our cities are designed, our lives are grounded both literally and metaphorically. Every morsel of our nourishment depends upon the dirt beneath us… it is the foundation upon which all other dreams are built!

I sense this, too, when I’m running up a hill, traversing a mountain path, swimming in the middle of a rainforest, or hiking the Grand Canyon. I remember plunging my feet into the icy waters of the Colorado River some years ago. That same water had run through the veins of all the other rivers, streams, and oceans of the world. It had evaporated into the clouds and had fallen again as rain. That same water still pools in puddles and pours out of faucets. It continues to sustain us, just as it has sustained all other life on the planet. As ecology professor John Vucetich wrote, “Humans and nature are fundamentally one and the same.”

This truth has been scientifically proven right down to the level of our DNA. In fact, the DNA in every human is shared with virtually every other living creature on the planet! According to recent statistics in Sciencing, each of us shares a whopping 99.9% of DNA with every other person on Earth. So when we speak of the “human family,” we may not realize how accurate this is! And the commonalities continue through both the animal and the plant kingdoms. We share about 98.8% of our DNA with chimps, 90% with cats, 84% with dogs, 80% with cows, and 73% with fish, to name a few. Even a banana plant shares close to 60% of our DNA, and we and the trees share about 50% of the same code. So our kinship with all life lies at the very core of our existence. The more we realize this, the more we can grow our respect and love for our world.

Earth Day is one of many efforts to help spread awareness of our great interconnectivity. There’s been a steady global rise in the number of “forest schools,” a Scandinavian concept which moves learning into more natural settings. The Global Association of Nature and Forest Therapy uses nature immersion to help in healing. They assert that “the forest is the therapist; the guides help others open the doors.” Similarly, the Japanese practice of “forest bathing” (also based on mindful walks in the woods) is founded on research showing how breathing aerosols in the forest promotes healing.

Thousands of studies have demonstrated the health benefits of spending time in nature. Among these: decreased blood pressure and stress hormone levels, enhanced immune system and respiratory functions, increased self-esteem, and improved mood. One University of Exeter study found that just two hours spent in green spaces per week reaped tremendous health benefits among 20,000 participants. We can all experience this effect by simply getting outside more! For instance, rather than meeting students in my office, I sometimes suggest we go for a walk instead. The fresh air and movement have resulted in some of the most productive and beneficial meetings I’ve had!

In the Zohar, Rabbi Shimon explains how “our world was not created complete, for it would be man’s merit and responsibility to perfect creation through his actions and spiritual development.” With this in mind, my hope is we can all look at Nature through a new lens on Earth Day and beyond. Instead of seeing our environment as something outside our windows or something to be tapped for our purposes alone, let’s look at it for what it is: a mirror of ourselves.

Let’s be more mindful of our spaces, kinder to all creatures, and more grateful and aware of all the bounty around and in us. Because to love all life is to love ourselves… and that is the most naturally wonderful gift we can bring to the world!

The post After All, It’s Only Natural appeared first on Monica Berg.

We’ve All Got Some Seas to Part

Do you think in ways that are limited or limitless?

That’s the crux of the traditional Passover story. There the Israelites stood, trapped on the banks of the Red Sea. Pursued by Pharoah and his army, they faced that deep, wide sea: a seemingly impossible barrier to their freedom. While the story tells how the Creator heard their cries and parted the waters, Kabbalah teaches that the Israelites took a much more active role in the miracle. They co-created the splitting of the sea through the belief and certainty that it could be done! Their thoughts were not limited by their understanding of what was possible or impossible.

We, too, can harness this light on Pesach more than at any other time of the year. The cosmic window open to us during this holiday is so brightly illuminated, it has the power to obliterate all the dark corners in our minds where limiting thoughts like to hide. By removing our limitations, we enter into a consciousness of true freedom. Which, as consciousness goes, is the gold standard!

We can tap into this transformative opportunity by paying attention to what we’re focusing on, both today and in our general thought patterns. Many of the barriers we put up for ourselves come from fear or ego.

Are we limiting our own potential?

Are we participating in negative self-talk–you know, the “I can’t do this/I don’t deserve this” sort of thinking?

Are we spending too much time focusing on what’s wrong, feeding worries instead of empowering ourselves, judging the actions or words of others instead of elevating our own?

What is your own biggest obstacle at the moment, your own Red Sea in need of parting?

Last year, our son David made a request at a family dinner: he wanted everyone at the table to share what they saw as his “worst trait.”

The table went silent.

At first, I was a bit concerned that his invitation would invite his siblings to unload all of their criticisms and grievances, but I quickly realized it was just the opposite. David had surrendered his ego; he had invited feedback in order to better himself. By understanding how those he loved most perceived him—he was poised for internal growth.

After some distant ticking on the clock, David directly addressed his brother Josh (who was born with Down syndrome). “What do you think?” he asked, knowing how simple and wise Josh’s answers can be. Then, after another pause, Josh said, “Nothing matters to you.”

And in the silence, we all understood what he meant. David works, he travels, and he does it all with great ease. Josh didn’t mean that nothing mattered to his brother. He meant that, like most of us, getting caught up in the rush of doing and going and striving can distract us from acknowledging what matters most.

In the chaos of our daily lives, we can miss or take for granted all the miracles around us: our loved ones, the beauty of this day, the simple fact that we’ve been given another day to live and breathe and experience and love.

Rav Brandwein once wrote that the Light of the Creator is like our shadow. As we behave, so does our shadow. In other words, our consciousness creates our reality. And amazingly, science increasingly supports this ancient wisdom to be true!

In a recent article published by The Journal of Cosmology and Astroparticle Physics, Dr. Robert Lanza and his team argue that the physical world we perceive is not “out there” apart from us, but that we actively take part in its creation. Quantum theory tells us that an unobserved small object (i.e., an electron or a photon ) exists only in a blurred, unpredictable state, with no defined location until the moment it is observed. Lanza’s simulations on MIT computers are designed to prove that, even at a larger scale, “Observers ultimately define the structure of physical reality itself.” Stephen Hawking, who long held a similar view, said that “The past, like the future, is indefinite and exists only as a spectrum of possibilities.”

Truly, we are all co-creators of our lives. So during this brilliant cosmic window of Pesach, decide what you want yours to look like. Remember, the seas will part for each of us when we believe they will! When we remove the chaos and connect with the light, anything is possible. We can start by committing to more positivity. More joy. More trust in the Creator, ourselves, and those around us. More ways to help not just myself, but others as well. Like the Hebrews who crossed through a sea of obstacles (literally) to meet their liberation, we can connect with this week’s energy to find ours as well.

Because ultimately, it is within our own power to create our lives as we wish them to be. We can break our own shackles and leave our burdens on this side of the shore. This is freedom at the soul level: to part the waters within ourselves so that we can experience a life of fulfillment, joy, gratitude, and blessings—just as the Creator has intended for all of us.

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Why Resisting Resistance Holds Us Back

In 1880, Thomas Edison patented the first commercial light bulb. Building on the work of earlier inventors, he perfected the phenomenon known as incandescence–or, as we think of it, the shine of a light bulb! The secret lay in the electrical resistance created by carbon filaments. Edison found that the greater the resistance, the brighter and longer lasting the luminescence would be. In other words, the obstacle (or resistance) wasn’t an impediment, it was “the way”!

This is an important spiritual idea as well. As my husband Michael shared in a recent Spiritually Hungry Podcast: “What is happening outside of my plan will inevitably be better for me than anything I might have planned for myself!” Thinking this way requires certainty in the Creator’s wisdom. It challenges us to let go of fear and to trust that whatever seeming obstacles are put before us are exactly what we need for our growth right now.

And this idea is proven in our lives, even from birth. From within the barriers that sustained us, we are born into the open air. Soon after this, we crack the language barrier (because don’t we all sound like we’re speaking gibberish to a newborn?). But no matter where a baby is born in the world, he or she will decipher the code and create meaning out of arbitrary sounds. It’s as though we were born to turn obstacles into our greatest accomplishments!

Sometimes we forget this and see challenges as enemies to vanquish, rather than as the vehicles for transformation that they are. I remember when, in earlier years, I faced intense ostracism, scrutiny, and judgment from others. I was told I wasn’t smart. I was told I should make myself smaller so that others could feel bigger. I was told I didn’t have what it takes to become a strong enough speaker to face–let alone move–an audience. Eventually, I grew tired of living my life consumed by what others thought of me and exhausted from trying to please them. Eventually, every time a naysayer threw me an insult, I held it to the mirror and decided for myself how I wanted to be defined. Did the smear contain a grain of truth? Well, then I could grow from that. Or (more likely) was it a result of someone else’s feelings of smallness, competitiveness, or jealousy? Though painful, those arrows were instruments of my self-discovery. Instead of holding me back, these “obstacles” were the propellers that moved me forward! And I am grateful for having had the opportunity to step up and create great change in myself as a result.

Moving, or even crushing, those perceived barriers may seem like the way–but true self-empowerment comes when we, like the light bulb, learn to harness the resistance. Harnessing those challenges and twists that life puts in our path demands us to drive our own lives. Dr. Alex Lickerman, author of The Undefeated Mind, credits his own success as a doctor and researcher in great part to having failed a section of the National Boards. The “failure” led him to understand the power of hope–which he sees as the main ingredient for overcoming adversity. “Defeat does not come from failing, but from giving up,” he noted. And this is true in almost any area of life. Failed relationships can be mirrors for recognizing negative patterns in our own behaviors (or in our choice of partners). Illnesses can deepen our insight and our appreciation for life.

In Hebrew, the word for “challenges and tests” is the same as the word for “elevation.” Often, those challenges also contain something of the unknown which, as Kabbalah teaches, holds more blessings than the known. So when something is difficult and challenging, be on the lookout for the blessings! Who would Odysseus have been without the many unexpected obstacles he faced upon that vast sea? And speaking of “odysseys,” let’s talk about my own illogical (but oh so real!) fear of elevators. Guess how I overcame that debilitating terror? First, I decided this was a fear I was no longer willing to carry around with me… and then–you guessed it–I rode more elevators. (Okay, I admit that moving from LA to New York City sort of “encouraged” this shift, but still, it happened!). The only way through the obstacle was to hop onto it and elevate myself, literally!

Which brings me back to Thomas Edison. At the seasoned age of 67, Edison’s entire lab burned down–and with it years of records, prototypes, experiments, and research. After the initial shock, Edison mused that he’d cleaned out “a lot of rubbish” and re-saw the loss as a chance to rebuild a new and improved lab. Within a year, his revived efforts made over $10 million in profits! This time, Edison illustrated another element of harnessing the power of the obstacle: a positive, optimistic, and hopeful mind.

Today, I encourage you to resee life’s veers and challenges as your most immediate and important springboards for growth. Start by practicing what science calls “mind hygiene” by consciously removing any limiting thoughts. Banish the negative self-talk, the gossip, and the doomsday catastrophizing. And then ask yourself: How can I leverage my next obstacle to reveal the hidden blessing?

As Marcus Aurelius once said, “What stands in the way becomes the way.” Because sometimes, if we are to shine our brightest, resistance is exactly what we need most.

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Aries: Seeds for a Thousand Forests

As Ralph Waldo Emerson wisely observed, “The fruit is in the seed.” Think about it: one apple seed, for instance, holds the potential for all the fruits on all the trees that may come from that single kernel. Holding it is like holding a thousand forests in the palm of your hand!

When Aries arrives (Nissan in Hebrew), we are like that seed. Our choices, our words, our actions, and our plans are packed with immense raw potential this month. The Rav often referenced seeds when speaking of Aries because this month marks the beginning of the astrological cycle. As with anything in its infancy, Aries offers us a unique opportunity to initiate great growth and transformation. And because Aries is the first sign in the zodiac, it also serves as the gateway to all the other signs to come–powering the changes it inspires to last the entire year and beyond.

Rav Isaac Luria taught that the first 12 days of Aries correspond to each of the 12 months of the year. Therefore, this time period (April 1-12 this year) provides the opportune window for the practice of “planting” a metaphorical seed each day. Some choose to align each day with the energy around its corresponding sign–for instance, Aries on the 1st, Taurus on the 2nd, and so forth–but the most important act lies in the intention of planting and sowing. It’s about inviting and acting upon a growth mindset. Daniel Coyle, author of The Talent Code, says that talent is not born; it’s grown. Coyle’s brain-based method for personal growth includes what he calls the “ignition point”–the place where motivation and inspiration are generated. Before we can make a change, we need to have or create the desire to do so.

Those born under the sign of Aries are naturally wired to desire things (or people or accomplishments or attention). Granted, we all are–but Aries energy has a special tendency in this direction. The choice of how and where to direct this innate wish to receive is Aries’ greatest challenge. If directed towards the self only, the outcome will carry only the force of the one desiring. If, on the other hand, we channel that Aries desire to acquire for the purpose of sharing, we invite the Light of the Creator to help us see those desires through! Therefore, the seeds we plant this month will hold infinitely more power if their manifestation will somehow help or inspire others, and not just ourselves.

Remember that for every great act or achievement, countless seeds were planted long before the outcome. American business leader, investor, and philanthropist Warren Buffett sold chewing gum, soda bottles, and weekly magazines door to door, even as an elementary student. In high school, he invested in a pinball machine at a barbershop and ended up buying several more to turn a decent profit. His desire to learn about business and investing didn’t just appear out of nowhere. Similarly, Oprah Winfrey may not have consciously thought, “I’m planting seeds for a future media empire” as a child. However, she did perform plays for her family’s farm animals as a child, and she was a remarkably good reader and speaker even before she started school. Later, she joined the debate club and student council and eventually became a journalist and an anchorwoman. Whether or not she foresaw her future impact on the world, Oprah continued to grow herself in ways that would help many others, and she continues to do so.

Planting seeds for our future is a lifelong process. While some take root in childhood, others can germinate later when we build on skills we already have or try something entirely new. Oscar Peterson was a classically trained pianist who became a renowned jazz musician. Laura Ingalls Wilder was an educator who didn’t publish her first book until after the age of 60. Taking note of our early interests can be useful for exploring our natural gifts; but really, there’s never a better time than NOW to pursue something new (or to re-ignite the old!). This is how we take control of our blessings. Because when we set goals and intentions and back them with action, we start co-creating the life of our dreams!

So how can you take full advantage of this Aries energy?

● Write out a plan for what you want to achieve in the year to come. This can be a single goal, or a number of goals. (And remember, those that extend beyond yourself will carry the most power!)

● If you’re feeling aligned with the “12-days of Aries” idea, write down a 12-day seed-planting plan for acting on your goal(s). For example: On Day 1, I’ll commit to stopping all negative talk (about myself and/or others)… On Day 2, I’ll set better boundaries: I’ll kindly say “no” if I need to, and I’ll create the time and the space for ___ (your personal or community-related pursuit)… On Day 3, I’ll step out of my comfort zone and try something new…etc., all the way through Day 12.

Naming our desires and taking action on their behalf is a potent recipe for manifestation in our lives. As a fire sign guided by the planet Mars, Aries holds the passion and strength of the warrior. Rav Berg referred to Aries as “the battleground to determine the outcome of all battles that will arise during the next [year].” I believe we all have the power to win!

Like Emerson’s “fruit in the seed,” we are each the embodiment of infinite possibility. Plant your next series of goals and dreams while the Aries energy is strong. And who knows? The changes we ignite this month may have more reach than we can imagine–just like the tiny seed that holds a thousand forests to come.

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The Alchemy of Humor

When Michael Aronin, a well-loved comedian who was born with cerebral palsy, takes the stage, everyone can see and hear his physical disability. They also see that it has not stopped him. He’s up there in full view, doing what he loves most: making others laugh. He often starts his show by addressing his disability right away with something like this: “I know what you’re thinking. You see the way I walk, and you hear the way I talk, and I know you’re wondering what it’s like to be… Jewish.” And voilà! His audience is captivated. Through his vulnerability, his self-effacing humor, and his honesty, Aronin has created instant intimacy. And this is just a glimpse of the immense power humor can wield.

From a Kabbalistic perspective, laughter and humor are natural channels for spiritual energy. Since they are intertwined with joy and happiness, they connect us directly to the Creator. The kabbalists have long taught that blessings cannot rest in a place of darkness, and nothing “lights up a room” as quickly or easily as laughter! Moreover, humor momentarily frees us from our worries. When we’re belly-laughing, we can’t help but be in the NOW.

I’ve spoken about a story from my own life that illustrates this idea. Years ago, when we had three very small children, our family was headed to a birthday party. We were all dressed up and excited for a fun afternoon. But you know what they say about those “best-laid plans”? Well… these friends lived in an unfamiliar part of Los Angeles (where we lived at the time), and this was pre-GPS. Suffice it to say, we got lost. And I mean, LOST. And a few hours–which felt like days–later, there we were, still winding up and down strange, unmarked streets with a car full of fussy, hungry kids–two of whom had obviously soiled their diapers (I’ll spare you the details).

The energy grew worse, until utterly exasperated, I pulled over and cut the engine. My husband and I both felt close to the precipice, but when our eyes met, something shifted. It’s as if we shared the same thought: it’s just a birthday party! We smiled at one another, and instantly, everything shifted. Instead of trying to control the moment, we surrendered to it. We knew then that we were never going to make it to this party. So what did we do? We started laughing uncontrollably. And as if I needed more evidence (which I didn’t) that Michael was my soul mate, there it was… because who else could laugh at being totally lost in a hot car with cranky babies and poopy diapers? So, as is often the case, humor saved the day.

Even in our challenging times, there is always a crack, an opening to let in the Light. You just have to be open to seeing those cracks. As acclaimed motivational humorist Scott Friedman says, “Humor can help bring light to the darkness, for the worst things in life often contain the seeds of the best.” Life is full of dichotomies. Just as there’s no outside without an inside, no up without a down–every state of our lives holds within it the essence of its opposite. Loss can reveal or illuminate the depth of love we feel for another; calamity can inspire great kindness from strangers. On the surface, grief and laughter seem at odds. But even in our most hopeless or desperate moments, there’s still room for humor. When speaking to a group that was in mourning from a shared tragedy, Friedman told them, “Our job is not to stop mourning, but to stop only mourning. It’s okay to take a break and celebrate what’s good.” His words and subsequent humor brought many participants to tears of gratitude for the chance to smile again.

This isn’t to say that dark times are always pathways to instant laughter. There’s a time to let yourself grieve. It’s simply to underscore the idea that “lifting spirits” through humor happens in the most literal sense… that laughter is both spiritual and transformative!

Humor has been shown to have physical benefits, too. Multiple studies have shown that laughing reduces stress hormones, including cortisol and epinephrine, while increasing health-enhancing endorphins and infection-fighting antibodies. Yet such discoveries are not entirely new. Beyond the traditional use of clowns and comedy programs in children’s hospitals and nursing homes, humor has proven an excellent health tool throughout history. Laughter created a balm for burdened kings (remember the jester and the comedy troupe?). It was a prescribed medical treatment in Ancient Greece and in Native American tribal cultures. And these days, “laughter therapy” is an expanding field.

So how can we inject more humor into our day?

● Dare to laugh (even out loud) at your own minor gaffes and awkward moments.

● Surround yourself with those who make you smile.

● Mix in some comedy and standups with your true crime and news programs.

● Spend time with children, who laugh up to 25 times more often than we adults! Because happily, laughter is contagious.

● Make someone else laugh. A great way to create something in our own lives is to bring it to others!

George Bernard Shaw once wrote, “You don’t stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing.”

Laughter connects us, it elevates us, and it eases even the most trying of situations (like our family’s missed party fiasco!). When we laugh together, our differences are transmuted into a single shared happiness–beyond station, nation, ideology, or worldly burdens. We are in the Light. We are in the NOW.

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On Purim, Let there be Light!

Today–the 13th of Adar II–is a day of incredible opportunity! As Rav Berg wrote, “Purim is a special cosmic occurrence that allows for the revelation of Light.” On this day, we are offered a key into what Kabbalah calls “Unity Consciousness”: a way of thinking that perceives everyone and everything as part of a unified whole. It looks beyond the illusion of separateness and division and helps us to realize our interconnectedness, interdependence, and essential shared spirit. Through this understanding, we begin to realize that our own wholeness and fulfillment rely on the wholeness and fulfillment of those around us–be they here or across the world.

On Purim, the illusion of our disconnectedness is lifted like a great veil; all we have to do is embrace this truth. As with most great revelations, the first step begins with the maxim “know thyself”–and beyond this, dare to BE thyself. In the Purim story, the character Esther risked her own life by revealing her true identity; she stood up to those who would have destroyed her people. Few of us realize our own power or the fact that real change can begin when we choose to act and draw from our true essence, which is connected to the Light… that the only way to banish Purim’s Haman (a character representing the darkest inclinations of humanity) is to tap into this Light.

And how do we know when we’re on the right path? We know because our decisions align more and more with what is best, not just for me, but for others as well. There are many ways to find this connection: through kind thoughts and actions, through charity, and through gratitude, joy, and understanding. We cannot remove the negativity in the world with more negativity. Rather, we remove it in the same way that lighting a candle removes darkness from a room.

In the Purim story, the minority survived the threat of the majority because of this force of Light, this Unity Consciousness. In Kabbalah, we call it the Light of the Creator, which is able to metaphorically permeate every corner of the Universe. The Zohar states that humans and the cosmos are mutually supportive and inseparable aspects of the one, all-embracing unified whole of reality. The notion of a loving, unifying element pervades most every religion and philosophy. Even modern science increasingly points to the idea that everything we see (and don’t see) is connected in ways both remarkable and mysterious.

Particle physicist and Associate Professor Sera Cremonini has been studying string theory, which posits that the universe is composed of miniscule vibrating strings of energy. These strings, when compared to a quark, are about the size of an atom when compared to the Earth. “Look deep inside any particle, and you’ll see this tiny vibrating string,” Cremonini says. “This is the fundamental unit we’ve been searching for, the fundamental entity that makes up everything.” This finding aligns with aspects of Einstein’s work, as well as with that of 20th-century physicist Neils Bohr. Bohr, the founder of quantum theory, determined “a vibratory field that connects everything and everyone.” These discoveries beg the question, Why can’t we walk through walls or other solids, especially since we now know that matter makes up just 4% of the Universe? But nature plays tricks on us in the workings of our atoms, leaving us to perceive matter as solid and making such actions sadly improbable (unless you’re a Harry Potter character heading to Platform 9 3/4!).

When we look past the veil and realize that life isn’t happening around us,it is happening through us and of us, we become empowered to take a stand and tap into the best parts of ourselves. What I do affects everyone and everything else, either directly or indirectly. Purim opens an incredible opportunity for us to embrace this fully and to thereby bring blessings to ourselves and the world.

So on this joyful, Light-revealing Purim day, instead of seeking division, find new ways to seek connection. Instead of doing more for myself today, do something unexpected (and even anonymous, which is tradition for this day) for someone else. Make it this day’s goal to find, express, and share your Light for the betterment of all!

As Leonardo da Vinci wrote, “Learn how to see. Realize that everything connects to everything else.” It is through our deep understanding of this all-encompassing, universal connection that the joy of Adar can be maximized. We will feel it deeply because we will realize that, when we stand together and invite that great Light into the world, there will be nowhere left for darkness to hide.

Wishing you joy and LIGHT on Purim!

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The Masks That Conceal and the Ones That Reveal

If you had looked at the brilliant Professor Stephen Hawking in the last years of his life, you’d have seen only a small, shrunken man in a state of utter debilitation. Yet, due to technology that could turn the squeeze of a cheek muscle or an eye blink into language, Hawking continued to lecture, research, write, and “speak” as one of the greatest minds in physics and cosmology–right up to the time when he lost his battle with ALS. For him, the weak, crippled body was merely a mask. It hid a genius immense enough to span the universe and insights that will be studied for generations.

As we approach the holiday of Purim (also known as “The Festival of Masks”), I’ve been thinking about the metaphorical “masks” we all wear. Do our masks conceal our truest selves? Or can they sometimes help reveal us as well?

The answer is yes, and yes.

For many of us, the most persistent mask we battle with is that of the Ego. Take, for instance, the old adage of “keeping up with the Joneses.” The concept has been around as long as we have. Sure, times have changed, but the idea remains, “My kingdom is better (bigger, more bountiful or beautiful or advanced) than yours.” Masks come in many forms, and a career, a family, or even a house can become a mask that we hide behind. Hello, Ego. It’s not that those nice things or well-earned accomplishments are bad or wrong… as long as we remember that neither having them nor lacking in them provides a full measure of who and what we are.

I remember when, during a family gathering a few years back, one of our friends asked Josh (our younger son who was born with Down Syndrome) if he had a “message” to convey. Like us, this friend knows that Josh’s pure, uncomplicated heart and spirit make him able to see and feel beyond all the masks–one of Josh’s many beautiful attributes.

Josh looked at this friend and simply said, “You need to make yourself smaller so people can hug you.”

While it’s true that this friend happens to be tall, Josh wasn’t speaking to his physical stature. He was speaking to his Ego. (This friend has a healthy Ego, along with a heart of gold.) We all need to be reminded of this wisdom at times! As the Zohar says, “He who is small is great.” This doesn’t mean we need to literally shrink ourselves (though a few films have made that prospect quite entertaining!). It means that we should transcend our Ego, be humble, kind, and remember our humanness–or, in this case, our “hugginess.”

How do we know when it’s our soul calling us to do something, and not our Ego? Kabbalah teaches that if it’s our soul’s desire, there’s some aspect in it of wanting good for other people. If something is only good for “me,” then the desire for it comes from the Ego.

We wear many other masks, too. We reply, “I’m fine,” when we’re angry. We stay silent instead of speaking our truth. We hide our emotions behind humor or indifference. Sometimes we use social media as a public mask, curating our lives to showcase all the sparkles and none of the dirt. Even our facial expressions are masks of sorts, whether we realize it or not.

According to Jonathan Freeman, Associate Professor of Psychology at Columbia University and director of the Social Cognitive & Neural Sciences Lab, “People form personality impressions from others’ facial appearance within only a few hundred milliseconds.” While studies show that such first impressions are quite consistent across observers, they are often inaccurate. In other words, the “masks” we wear every day do not tell the full story of who we are, despite society’s tendency to think otherwise. That’s why it is up to us to do the revealing!

Some masks may actually help us both connect to and reveal our light. For instance, that expensive, expansive house may become a gathering place full of love and laughter, bringing joy to all who enter it. The family photo shared on social media might help us stay connected to dear friends we can’t see in person.

And so we find yet another duality in this month of the mirrored fish (Pisces). We hide; we reveal. We seek protection; we seek connection. By virtue of recognizing the masks we wear (knowingly or not) and choosing our masks wisely, we show up authentically for ourselves and in our relationships. That authenticity is the foundation for the honesty and depth we crave in our connections with other people.

Eventually, all our worldly masks will fall away, and all will be revealed. But until then, we can benefit from noticing the masks we and others are wearing. We can decide which are serving our highest good, and which are blocking us from shining our brightest for the world.

We may never be able to reveal ourselves fully while in this human form. However, with every mask we consciously remove (or choose), we take one more step towards the mirror where, if we’re very lucky, we’ll eventually meet ourselves in wholeness.

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Pisces II: The Duality of Happiness

Duality is in the air. This year, Pisces (Adar in Hebrew) appears twice on the calendar, doubling our opportunity to access the uplifting, healing Light that resides in the supernal, or celestial, sphere. This is our time to pull that positive Piscean energy down into the earthly plane to help elevate the world and bring deep, lasting happiness to ourselves and to others.

As a dual sign (with two fish swimming in opposite directions), Pisces inherently embodies the Kabbalistic idea of “holding opposites.” One fish may be moodily combing the murky depths of the water; the other may be jumping out of the pond for joy. This illustrates a fundamental concept both in philosophy and in many religious studies–that everything in the world has a balancing, or opposing, side. Front and back… darkness and light… up and down… above and below. As psychologist and spiritual teacher Dr. David Sanders explains, we cannot embrace “Wholeness” without also embracing the notions of “separateness, brokenness, and all other paradoxes and opposites.” No idea, object, or situation exists without another side or perspective.

This idea of opposites applies to our understanding of happiness, too. In the face of adversity, challenges, and suffering in the world, sometimes it seems difficult to access that joy. We may even feel guilty in trying. Yet happiness is so important to the world’s healing, French philosopher André Gide called it “a moral obligation.” Why? Because much of the strife in the world was born and perpetuated in the human heart. A heart without happiness is like a body without immunity–it is susceptible to the disease of negativity, which can manifest in many destructive ways. This is why it’s important not only to seek joy ourselves, but also to pass it along to everyone we can.

Many people have gone through major hardships while never losing their sense of inner happiness. In this week’s Monday Memo, I recounted my own struggles after our younger son was born with Down Syndrome. While the days and weeks following his birth were fraught with worry and sadness, they never eclipsed the joy we felt at having this beautiful soul enter our lives or the great opportunity we were given in being able to raise him. It wasn’t one or the other–pain or happiness–it was both.

Likewise, the documentary Mission: Joy (2021) illuminated the playful, exuberant relationship between two spiritual leaders and survivors: the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. One is a Buddhist monk; the other was an Anglican bishop. Both experienced great hardship in their earlier lives, yet both managed to keep their sense of humor and joy intact. In the film, they shared, they joked, and they spent lots of time poking fun at one another. “You’re mischievous!” Bishop Tutu teased, and both broke into laughter. When asked how they kept their sense of joy, Archbishop Tutu described true happiness as being a gift to others, rather than merely a pursuit for oneself (also a key precept in Kabbalah).

This kind of happiness goes beyond the moment, since every state is temporary. Of course, I might feel happy that I won this or that award, that I finished my latest book, or that my gourmet dinner turned out well. These are examples of MY OWN happiness, which is only half the equation in creating the lasting kind. As the Dalai Lama explains, the key to true, deep joy is not in the transitory acquisition of things, accolades, or power. We cannot understand joy without knowing and connecting to the plight of others. And we cannot attain our own greatest happiness without actively contributing to the happiness (or well-being) of others in whatever ways we can. Therefore, the path to a deeper, longer-lasting joy starts with this question: “How can I help spread compassion and love?”

In Kabbalistic terms, this might be rephrased as “How can I help reveal and share the Light?”And, since happiness is always an inside pursuit, the process must begin within ourselves. Wherever we go, we can strive to be a positive beacon that uplifts others. The Book of Ethics says that, while we are not “obligated to complete the work….neither are [we] free to desist from it” (Pirke Avot 20:21). None of us can save the entire world alone. But we can be of help where we are and to whomever is most in need. In this way, we can begin to find happiness that lasts.

And science proves this. In a study led by Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky at the University of California Riverside, subjects took part in what the team called “Happiness Interventions.” The research found that those who performed acts of kindness for themselves felt happier, but the feeling was short-lived. However, those who performed kind acts for others were happy and stayed that way anywhere from two to four weeks beyond the time of the kind act! On a cellular level, kind acts also produced positive changes in the RNA gene expression in subjects’ blood samples, suggesting healthier and more robust immune profiles. Happiness through giving, then, is also dually beneficial: it helps both the recipient and the giver!

Here are a few questions for you to begin to unlock that more lasting sort of happiness:

● How can I grow my own happiness today?

● What is most needed at this moment? (for myself, my family, my community, and/or the world)

● How can I help?

By seeking and finding ways to nurture and spread our own Light, we help create a chain reaction in the world. Pisces teaches us that life is always a balancing of opposites, that we can care and feel for others and still cultivate joy and happiness. The fact is, for every tragedy that occurs, there are millions of people jumping in to lift those in need. There is always Divine Light to be discovered and shared, and it is up to us to connect and direct it.

So this month, commit to bringing levity and joy to others. Make someone’s day brighter. Volunteer at a soup kitchen, donate to a cause, or simply offer an encouraging word to someone who can use one. There are more ways to help in this world than there are people to find them! To think and act with a grateful, joyful heart invites that Pisces light into your own world, which in turn spills into our world.

And this is how we bring peace and happiness to all the shadowed places–one laugh, one smile, and one kindness at a time.

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