Monica Berg's Blog, page 31

Fresh Living

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Today in Nashville

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You Got This: How to be in the 9% of resolutions-keepers one year from today

Happy 2022!

In last week’s blog, we talked about how to set your goals and resolutions. Now we are almost one week into the New Year, and you have your lists/goals/resolutions, and nothing can hold you back! Except, it seems that at the end of any given year, only about 9% of people report that they were able to stick with their resolutions. I have a few ideas on why that is and some tips to make sure you fall into that 9% by year’s end.

We often start each New Year with a bang. We head out of the gate with fresh ideas, renewed energy, and exciting plans for the new and hopefully improved year ahead. But if things don’t go as smoothly as planned, our enthusiasm starts to wane. Many people do not stick to resolutions because the bar is set too high. Often the process of how long or how much effort something will require isn’t fully understood at the outset and doesn’t turn out as we’d envisioned it. Then, the next thing you know, you’ve decided it is too difficult or achieving it is too improbable, so you give up. After all, if you quit, you can rationalize that you didn’t fail because you didn’t even try that hard.

Living up to our resolutions, like all goals, requires tenacity, follow-through, and a willingness to fail. And this is key because that is where our important spiritual work resides. When you are willing to fail, you are willing to change. And change is the whole point! If the next step or the correct answer doesn’t present itself, many people give up instead of trying another approach.

Tips to help us follow through and stick with our New Year’s resolutions

1. Use your mornings wisely.

Research shows that our willpower is a finite resource and that it is at its strongest first thing in the morning, waning throughout the day. It’s the same reason that making smart breakfast choices is so easy, but sticking to healthy options in the evening can be difficult. We just don’t have the same fortitude towards the end of the day. Schedule in time every morning to spend on your To-Do. It is not only the most potent time of day; it will also keep you from the “I’ll put it off until I have some free time” trap.

2. Keep it to yourself

Sharing your resolutions with all your friends on Facebook and announcing them to your co-workers and close friends lulls you into a false sense of success. The brain cannot discern the difference between words and action, giving us a premature sense of completeness, leading to a lack of motivation to see the goal through. Kabbalists have long advised that we protect our hopes and plans by concealing them.

However, it is okay to share your resolutions with trusted friends or partners. Studies show that enlisting help (not announcing our intentions) to achieve our goals makes us more accountable and thereby more likely to follow through.

3. Be specific

I’m going to start working out again. I’m going to lose some weight. I’m going to write a novel.

Terrific! But get specific. If you want to start working out again, how about today? No change occurs without time and energy. Schedule your workouts. Set limits on your calorie intake and chart everything you eat to lose weight. To write a novel, commit to writing uninterrupted for 45 minutes a day. Ambiguous goals are usually not met. Specific goals are attainable.

4. Make it manageable

You don’t have to make huge changes; just small change after small change eventually adds up to great change. Just as you wouldn’t attempt to solve a calculus problem without having mastered basic arithmetic, neither should you set yourself up for failure with a wild resolution. Dream big, by all means! Just set attainable goals within a timeframe. If you want to be President someday, run for city council. Everyday life is a series of decisions, small changes that add up to great change.

5. Form a habit in 40 days

Commit to taking at least one action towards your resolution for 40 consecutive days. The number 40 has a special spiritual significance, as The Zohar explains that it takes 40 days to form a habit or change a pattern. For instance, if a person was born with a stubborn nature, he should break his nature for forty consecutive days, doing the opposite of what comes naturally to his mind. We were created in this world for the sake of breaking our nature, of changing our habits, to grow, and to leave our comfort zones. In fact, it is stated that if a person commits to changing or breaking a habit, The Creator will assist in that goal.

As you set out to make this year your best one yet, don’t forget to enjoy the process. Make it a practice of having gratitude for everything you have already accomplished and for all the blessings you already have. Have fun, take time to relax, and reward yourself when you cross a milestone. I’ll say it again, and full disclosure, this is something that I am working on incorporating more of into my life: Don’t wait to celebrate until the final stage or completion of your goal. Set milestones and reward yourself every time you hit one. Science says it’s a great way to stay motivated, plus, who doesn’t like rewards?

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To Be in 2022

The new year is nearly here, and not a minute too soon for many of us. I think we’re all looking forward to it with renewed hope and energy. The end of December is traditionally a time when we reflect and consider how we want to step into the new year.

As many of us are thinking about making resolutions for the new year, we often take stock of what was ‘bad’ that we want to change. But first, think about all the things that went well that we can be grateful for. Gratitude is written about so frequently for a reason. It’s powerful. And we should all have a gratitude practice year-round. Without having gratitude for all the gifts and blessings in our lives, we are almost guaranteed an experience that falls short of our dreams. But when we appreciate what we have, we transform ourselves and our lives, creating space for more blessings.

When I found out that a tendon in my ankle had ruptured and it would require surgery, I couldn’t immediately find gratitude for that situation. I was preoccupied with the surgery and all the details in preparing for that. Then post-surgery, I looked down and could see the immediate and apparent differences between the muscles in my legs, the size of my ankles, and the difference in strength and functionality. But there is so much to be grateful for! After all, I underwent a surgical procedure that was able to fix it! That’s a miracle in itself. And now that I have started to work out again, I am awed by how the tendons, ligaments, bone, and blood vessels all work in synchronicity to produce movement. It’s a symphony happening in my body, and the tendon heals and strengthens every day—what a gift.

A study conducted by the NIH (National Institute of Health) monitored what happens to your brain ‘on gratitude.’ NIH researchers examined blood flow to various parts of the brain while subjects summoned feelings of gratitude (Zahn et al., 2009). One of the many positive things they found was that these feelings activated regions in the brain associated with Dopamine. Dopamine is considered the “reward” chemical because it feels good, but it also incites action, meaning that when we feel grateful, our brain will look for more ways to bring about that feeling. Simply put, gratitude engages a virtuous cycle in your brain. Gratitude begets more gratitude. Before we go back to those resolutions, there’s another pre-resolution step that I think is guaranteed to set you up for greater success.

When we approach goals, we tend to take on too many of them at once, which can be overwhelming and leave us feeling stuck. This is why I champion people to focus first on how they want to BE before planning what they want to DO. For this, let’s use an example that is likely to resonate with many people. Fifty percent of New Year’s resolutions are to exercise more. Your To-Do list might read something like this:

Get a gym membershipCarve out an hour in the morning for exerciseWork with a nutritionistCut back on sugar

All of these things are very positive action items toward the goal of “getting in shape,” but the To-Be list looks different and is almost more important. It’s a list of all of the qualities you’ll need to embody to be able to tackle your To-Do list. Who we think we are and who we are are two different things and, because our thoughts create our experience, we want to make sure they’re aligned with what we want.

Who do you want to be?

You want to be fit.You want to feel good in your body.You want to be disciplined.And the kind of person that makes your health a priority.

To accomplish that goal of exercising more, you might identify that you will need to be dedicated, accountable to yourself, and patient in seeing results so you don’t give up too soon. So there’s your to-be list. When you look at those qualities on your new to-be list, be brutally honest with yourself. Are those qualities you already possess? If yes, amplify them. If not, what needs to shift in your life for you to embody those qualities?

Simply by focusing on who and how we want to be, we become and embody those characteristics. Now you aren’t looking at a to-do list that looks like it belongs to a person who isn’t you. Instead, you become that person before planning what you want to do. And when you become that person, everything else falls into place.

Now you’re ready to finalize your to-do list based on your to-be list. Happy goal-setting and resolutions-making, friends!

Wishing you and yours a healthy, happy, and fulfilled year ahead. Happy New Year!

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Home for the Holidays

Home. It is such an evocative word, conjuring thoughts of comfort, security, and, if we’re lucky, filled with people we love. For some, when they think of home, they think of their house, but beyond the surface, home is so much more–the people you love, familiar smells, places, unconditional love, kindness. Home is where we keep our most treasured objects, and my daughter Miriam added one more to my collection recently. She set a very high bar for gift giving this year when she had a custom glass sculpture commissioned for me based on one of my favorite photographs of my Dad and me as a small girl.

 

I know it is a happy time of the year, full of cheer and merriment. Truthfully, I think this is the consciousness we should hold every day of the year. Unfortunately, I’m sure for some of us, home isn’t very much like that at all. And, there is likely another group of people who had that at some point in their lives, but now those they shared that space with and those memories with are no longer here. For so many people, the holidays are a sad reminder of the people they have loved and lost.

Many of you know that in the past year, I lost my father; in truth, what really brought about my ability to take on a new perspective regarding loss, was losing pieces of him in his over seven-year battle with Alzheimer’s and the inevitable cognitive decline that accompanied it. Through the pain of watching him forget people, memories, sometimes me, and even himself, instead of shutting down or avoiding him or feeling sorry for him (or myself), I chose to find a way of meeting him where he was, on his terms, in whatever state he was in. Something many don’t know about me is that my optimistic outlook and consciousness of gratitude are usually fueled by the darker times of my life. Feelings of gratitude and appreciation and a higher level of perspective often come from the times that at first glance don’t make sense.

I especially liked the moments during his illness when my Dad was silly. Some days he was almost like his old self, and other days he was someone I didn’t recognize. But I made it a point to interact with him however he was, and however he felt. And I have kept on in this vein, even though he has now left this physical world. Believe me, I know this sounds a bit out there, but hear me out. I have a creative offering, one that I know works from firsthand experience.

My father comes to me in my dream sometimes, and often with a powerful message for me or someone close to me that needs assistance. This is what I dreamt of this past Friday night.

There was a knock on my door. I opened it, and it was my younger sister Jessica. She was 12 years old, and it was her Bat Mitzvah. (She is much older now.) She was wearing what I remember her wearing that day, and I said, “Jessica, what happened to you? Why are you so young?” She answered that she went back in time so we could be with our father when he was healthy. She moved aside and said, “Look, see I brought Dad with me.” He was young, strong, regal looking.

He was the father that held me as a child and held me up as a teenager. He was my father in all his strength and glory. I leapt into his arms and hugged him and kissed him over and over again. And then I whispered in his ear, “I have something to tell you. You aren’t going to live as long as you think you will. You don’t have all the time you want on this earth.”

He responded as he held me in his arms and said, “It’s okay, I’m here now.”

When I woke up and throughout the rest of the day, I really felt like I had spent that time with him, literally. I felt his energy around me, much like a perfume that lingers on your skin. This dream had many significant meanings for me, but for the point of this blog, you really can bring those far away, even those that are gone, back into the here and now.

They live in your memories.

They live in your hearts.

Change the way you expect or don’t expect to experience them, and you can find a way to hear and feel them once again. Energy stays. Essence stays. A soul is unending. What needs to change is our perspective. They’re only gone if we let them go from our hearts and our thoughts.

Wishing you all a beautiful and peaceful holiday season.

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No. Nope. Not Gonna: How to say no while being kind to others and yourself.

Boundaries. As you get older, you feel the need for more of them. Why is that?

Maybe you have given up more than you wanted, and now you feel it is all spent up. Maybe you feel taken advantage of. Maybe you have now put yourself first. Whatever the case, maybe the need to feel heard or understood will never go away. It gets trickier the older you get. After all, you have put up with it long enough.

I want to talk about a powerful word. Integrity.

It’s a word that is not used often enough. Perhaps because it feels bigger than we do most days. Integrity is defined as “firm adherence to a code of moral ethics” or “to be whole and complete.” Bringing ourselves into integrity is the first step to creating healthy boundaries and being the most compassionate we can be. We are not in our integrity when we judge, gossip, hold resentment, or hide our true feelings. However, when we can look around at the people in our lives, even those who are incredibly difficult to love, and remember that they are doing their very best, our work of living in integrity can begin. This is the consciousness to have when creating boundaries.

What does coming into your integrity look like for you?

Is it having an awkward conversation with a friend or family member?

Is it kicking a bad habit?

Is it repairing a relationship? Or perhaps walking away from one.

Living within our integrity and defending our boundaries is something that women especially find tricky because while it is changing slowly, our society expects women to be agreeable. Advocating for yourself and communicating your limits can get you labeled as ‘difficult.’ That’s why I’m writing a whole blog about how to say no and defend your boundaries with kindness because we know easily it can be misconstrued as harshness or ‘being difficult.’

It has been such a prevalent expectation in our society that many women of earlier generations find boundaries a foreign notion to them. The idea of boundaries is a foreign notion to many.

Unquestioningly, there is an inhibiting effect that societal expectations of being amenable and accepting have on our spirit, and consequently, how we feel about ourselves and what we deserve. I have a very close family friend who has lived most of her life as a people pleaser and never set boundaries for herself. Because she has no boundaries, she also treats me like I have no boundaries. And it’s rough sometimes.

But I understand where she’s coming from because I was there once, too. I spent the first 28 years of my life turned too “outward.” I was always worried about what “they” thought about or needed from me, whether it was family, school, or work. And because of this, I didn’t fully express myself out of fear of rocking the boat. It wasn’t until I got more in touch with my “inner” aspect that I became conscious of how I was handicapping myself and more comfortable expressing the power I possess.

In order to create clear boundaries and feel comfortable with who we are, we need to have compassion for ourselves. If we cannot give and be kind to ourselves, we can never love ourselves enough to believe we deserve to be unconditionally loved, truly heard, and treated with human dignity. The result of not creating this compassion for ourselves will be that we don’t think we deserve enough of anything. We’ll have no voice to protest when someone is taking from us more than we want to give, making us feel less than enough, or simply making us uncomfortable with who we are. If we don’t believe we deserve simply because we exist, we cannot and will not demand anything from others. When we believe that we deserve, what is at stake of being lost is clear and therefore takes precedence. Putting ourselves first isn’t selfish but a necessary step in our life’s growth and happiness. When we appreciate ourselves, others will too because we teach people how to treat us.

Back to my boundary-crossing dear family friend. She was going through a personal crisis, and it was intense. I love her and honor her process, but she felt like she was in a situation where there were no good options, so she was at turns imploding and then exploding, at all hours of the day and night, without warning.

My inclination is to pick up those broken pieces no matter what that means or what it costs me. In fact, it was how I have always responded throughout my life to her periodic meltdowns and tantrums. But when a family trip to Croatia happened concurrently with one of her weeks of emotional upheaval, I went to Croatia. I went worried and with a little dread about what would happen to her if I wasn’t around to pick up those broken pieces. The time zone and cell service ended up being such that when I was able to respond to her messages, it was often many hours later and sometimes even the next day.

It turned out that when I was finally able to text back and forth with her, she wasn’t in a worse state. She was actually pretty centered and emotionally stable. It was eye-opening. I think there is a danger to relationships in creating too much space, but sometimes, and definitely, in this instance, space was exactly what was needed.

Boundary crossers. They come in all shapes and sizes and from all different areas and relationships in our lives.

Their mindset can come across as them against the world. They don’t seem to have much respect for the rules of etiquette or polite society, never mind your boundaries. They can be frustrated and short-tempered in their desire for instant gratification. And they are willing to do things that would make most of us anxious or hesitant. They’re pushy. They don’t take ‘no’ for an answer. And yet, when these personalities cross our boundaries, we’re always a little bit surprised.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Unfortunately, most of us know at least a couple of frequent boundary transgressors, either within our families or amongst our co-workers. People who consistently cross your boundaries probably aren’t doing it to you personally. That’s just who they are. If the behavior isn’t like them, perhaps they are going through something and acting out of character. If we’re honest, we all have the ability to behave aggressively under the right, or as it were wrong, circumstances.

I recently found myself in an uncomfortable situation with someone who was making a bit of a scene at a restaurant. My first inclination is kindness, so I tried to empathize, honor their feelings, and offer a different perspective. But in this instance, everything I said or did only added fuel to the fire. The volume just kept rising, and people were taking notice. They were willing to escalate to a point that made me cringe.

So I rescued myself. And I did it with calmness and compassion. I explained that I couldn’t participate in that conversation anymore, and I left. I was kind, but I was also kind to myself.

That’s the importance of having boundaries and being willing to enforce them. On the surface, boundaries can seem harsh, like drawing a line and making other people stay on the other side. Rather than functioning as a way of keeping others out, I encourage you to look at boundaries as the protected space you need to be your kindest, most authentic, and empathetic self.

Most of us want to help others. In fact, our desire to be supportive and kind is almost compulsive, which is a good thing! But sometimes you can’t help. At times the only kindness you can offer is to yourself.

I remember another interaction a few years back. I was invited to be a guest speaker, an opportunity that I would usually accept, but in this instance, the timeframe was just untenable. The only way I would have been able to do it would have meant ditching the afternoon out I had planned with one of my kids and moving around everything else on my calendar—a significant hassle on my end. Not to mention I will go to great lengths to keep my promises, especially those that I make to my children. So, I politely declined, explaining that I had other commitments.

To say they didn’t take ‘no’ for an answer is an understatement. I really admire people who are persistent in their goals, so if she’d given me future dates, I would have scheduled one. If she’d expressed her genuine disappointment, I would have appreciated her candor. But when someone keeps pushing us, it’s uncomfortable. And when they repeatedly ask despite your many attempts at explanation, compromise and in the face of a straight ‘no thank you, it can feel like bullying. That conversation reached that level, and I was surprised by how uncomfortable her repeated requests made me. She tried every angle, from pleading to guilt!

To make that awkward encounter stop, it often feels like the easiest way out is to cave to their demands. However, some people are fighters by nature, and hearing a ‘no’ or running into a boundary that they feel is unfair to them makes their fight response come to life. Quite possibly, this is because their pushiness has been rewarded repeatedly by other people who found it easier to acquiesce than stand their ground.

Sure, you can get out of the immediate discomfort by giving in, but think back to a time in your life when you did. Whatever you agreed to, did it bring you joy, or were you a little resentful and less than enthusiastic about it? Probably. And no wonder!

But not taking ‘no’ for an answer is actually disrespectful. Remember, saying ‘no’ is your decision, and you don’t need their agreement. As for me, I took my daughter to Disneyland, totally guilt-free.

It’s actually okay to reconsider a boundary or a ‘no’ refusal. Sometimes our boundaries need to shift, and sometimes what we initially say ‘no’ to could turn out to be an opportunity to really (really) go beyond our comfort zone and share. But while analyzing your boundaries consider a few things about the person who is crossing them or not accepting your refusal.

Is their request self-involved? Is what they are demanding solely about their self-advancement and to meet their needs? If the answer is yes, feel free to add another layer of bricks to your boundary and then sit behind it and sip a cup of hot tea. I can’t restate this strongly enough. You are allowed to remove yourself from these situations.

The great kabbalist Rav Ashlag put it like this, “As for me, I do not feel obligated to participate in this misery.”

While brilliant, that statement is a little on the nose, so here are a few alternative phrases that could come in handy:

● This is making me uncomfortable.
● Having to say no over and over again is making me feel unheard.
● I can’t participate in this conversation.
● Please respect my decision. It isn’t going to change.

Boundaries enable us to get clear about what we need, what we will accept, and how we expect others to treat us. To honor our boundaries, we have to communicate them and defend them, despite any initial discomfort. Having strong boundaries creates an environment where we can be kinder and more compassionate to others while also being kind to ourselves.

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The Otherworldly Abundance of Pennies and Friends

When I was in junior high, my mother warned me about hanging out with the “bad kids.” She didn’t actually call them that. Rather, she inferred that the kids who were sent to the principal’s office regularly, got detention for this infraction or that, and tended to get into trouble were to be avoided. In short, stay away from them. Not one to conform to anyone’s instructions, I did as I pleased and hung out with whomever I chose. The rebel in me scoffed. However, looking back with what I know now, I can see the merit of my mother’s warnings. I’m also a mom of four. So there’s that.

Think about the people you spend the most time with. Are they positive, successful, and proactive people? Do they tend to attract abundance? Do things seem to flow for them as if they have a magic touch? Or are they negative, angry, and spiteful, stewing in perpetual lack?

Ancient kabbalists and modern-day behavioral scientists alike believe that we should be meticulous about the people we surround ourselves with. The kabbalists teach about the profound impact that others have on our connection to the Light of the Creator. While a plethora of studies conducted over the last decade have social scientists linking greater self-control with those who have strong-willed friends and findings that people who pick friends that make poor choices get dragged down right along with them. Conversely, people whose friends inspire and challenge them have an increased likelihood of reaching self-described goals.

The month of Capricorn coincides with the holiday of Chanukah, the Festival of Lights. It is no coincidence that the lunar month begins with Light. This entire month is filled with an overabundance of energy. It’s so abundant and powerful that we risk a short circuit without proper preparation.The kinds of connections we can make during the rest of the year are easy in comparison, like shooting fish in a barrel. (You miss one, you still get lots of other opportunities.) But in Capricorn your one opportunity to connect to the blessings is during the window of Chanukah. Which arrives just in time to help us draw the gifts of Capricorn, a typically dark month.

The trick to success is straightforward—attachment. Stay with me! I’ll explain.

The Talmud offers an example. If Abraham (of Biblical fame) gave you one penny, you would become a wealthy person because you would “attach” to the Light of the Creator through Abraham. His wealth is a manifestation of his connection to the Creator. Even though he only gave you a penny, it would make you beyond wealthy.

So when you notice that things are going really well for someone, the Talmud teaches us that we should “attach” ourselves to them. Now I know how this might sound initially, so I must clarify what this means exactly. (I’m not saying go out and find wealthy or affluent people to glom onto.)

The first important point is that all our blessings come from the Light of the Creator. Yes, we influence how and when we receive abundance, health, friendship, or love as examples. Still, all gifts come from only one source, and we all can connect to the Creator directly without any need of an intermediary. Now, back to that penny, the penny isn’t a connection to Abraham. It is a connection to the Light of the Creator that manifests in the physical world through Abraham, who is a powerful conduit. Think of it like a bridge. Abraham isn’t personally ferrying us anywhere; we are just driving over his bridge.

The Talmud teaches that we should come close to that person, not to be closer to them, their possessions, or their success, but to be closer to the Light flowing through them and manifesting in their life. In doing so, one can ignite their own connection to the Light of the Creator. Just like Abraham, some people are channels of abundance.

To further clarify, true friendship develops over time, and it can’t be forced or manipulated. However, you can make overtures and extend invitations. Attaching to people who are connected with abundance isn’t about making a ploy for false companionship but instead becoming part of their circuitry to observe and model how they maintain their connection to abundance. If mature friendships do manifest, that’s also a wonderful benefit. This is the idea that kabbalists kept in mind in their relationships and who they associated with, which helped them become more elevated.

Light generates more Light. It is an endless cycle of abundance that is infinite.

How do you know if you are connected? It’s often easier to tell if you are not connected. Disconnection manifests in every negative emotion in the book, from uncertainty and anxiety to physical lack to envy and judgment. These are all reasonable indications that there is no continuity of abundance in your life.

Chanukah is our opportunity to effortlessly reconnect with that continuity of abundance that will sustain us endlessly, not only for the next month or even the next 12 months. As we gather to light the Chanukah candles and make a connection to the abundance and Light of the Creator, we should ask for two things: that those whom we know and love and who are lacking in their lives be filled with love and blessings, and that we experience what kabbalists describe as ‘the wisdom of the Tree of Life,’ meaning, that we experience everything in life in its most pleasant Light-filled form.

Chanukah is a time when the gates are wide open, meaning we have access to everything we need and want. The Creator’s wish is for all of us to be fulfilled at our most ultimate level. Attaching to the continuity of abundance is the gift of Chanukah, and the further beauty of the gift is that when we are connected, we become like Abraham, creating circuitry for everyone in our lives.

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POOSH

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Not Perfect Podcast

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Rethink Holiday Cheer

Thanksgiving kicks off the start of the holiday season, which is marketed as the happiest time of the year. And on the surface, what’s not to like? Elaborate dinners with friends and family, gift-giving and receiving, and curling up in front of a fireplace in comfy slippers are the order of the day. Yet, like so many things, the fantasy doesn’t always match reality.

Enter the holiday blues.

It’s no wonder that the expectation of holiday cheer leaves so many feeling depressed or stressed, or both. And the reasons are myriad, but our first clue lies in that one word: expectations. Let’s focus on our expectations of ourselves. After all, that’s the only area we can control.

This part works best with visualization. Imagine a family or friend holiday gathering you have coming up. Picture the people there, what they are doing, and what you are doing. What are you talking about? How is the food? How do you feel?

First, there are no right or wrong answers. But did anyone visualize anything but good food, good company, good conversation, and all participants in a good mood? Unlikely. And why would we visualize stress, strife, and overcooked turkey? But that visualization just gave you a clear picture of your expectations. So, when something doesn’t go the way you imagined (which inevitably will happen), you are set up for disappointment. The answer isn’t to expect to have a bad time, instead be realistic and ready to accept a few things that go off script so that they don’t derail your enjoyment of the day as a whole.

A holiday stress survey conducted in 2018 surveyed 1,166 people aged 25 to 60, of which 76 percent were female. 70% of the respondents reported that they experience holiday stress because they are overly committed to making the holiday special and enjoyable for everyone else.

Let that sink in.

I think it resonates with many people. Especially when we are committed to a vision we have of how the day should go. It goes back to control. While many of us work to create a memorable, even picture-perfect holiday, there are a lot of aspects of that goal that are simply beyond our control. Some people may not be able to attend, others may show up in a less than cheerful mood, and it’s not uncommon for the occasional awkward moment or argument to ensue. You can’t force people to be cheerful, kind, considerate, respectful, or even good cooks.

But isn’t that what the vision of a magical and enjoyable holiday demands?

We can see the impossibility of it all. What’s really most surprising to me is that ONLY 70% of people said they were stressed out about the holidays.

So back to you, how do you maintain your cheerful and holiday-appropriate attitude of gratitude when everyone around you refuses to get with the program and be suitably festive and cheerful?

First, decide that the way you feel isn’t dependent upon anyone else’s enjoyment. So, if someone doesn’t like your cranberry tart, who cares? (They’re wrong, of course, it’s delicious!) Often easier said than done, especially if you find yourself central to a maelstrom of emotions that you can’t help but feel are somehow your responsibility. When people aren’t happy, it can feel personal. After all, you put in a lot of effort, and all they had to do was show up and enjoy it! In moments when you feel your mood start to slide from merry and bright, give yourself a mental shortcut, something you can think or repeat to yourself. Something like, I’m exactly where I want to be, doing exactly what I want to do. And if that isn’t true, make it true. You should have a special day independent of other people’s choices.

Rethink your vision. What makes holiday gatherings meaningful to you, personally? What are the individual elements that make the celebration special?

It’s less about ‘good food’ or even ‘good conversation.’ While Great-grandma Johanna’s stuffing recipe may be a cherished family tradition, it’s probably the making of it that is the most fulfilling. The most memorable moment of the holiday might happen in the kitchen the night before, where you teach Johanna’s great-great-granddaughter how to make that stuffing.

Identify the parts that are the most special to you, and put your energy there. Table settings, 14 different kinds of pie, and refereeing family disputes can be somebody else’s job. And honestly, the rest will be just fine.

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