Monica Berg's Blog, page 33

Amazing Birthday Week Adventures, Mishaps, and Mayhem!

Today is my birthday! Because I also celebrate my lunisolar Hebrew birthday (that happened to fall on August 30th this year), it has been more like a birthday week and a half. And what a week and a half it has been.

Come along while I tell my tale. Have you ever heard of the children’s book series ‘A Series of Unfortunate Events’, that could be the subtitle for my story “Monica Berg’s Amazing Birthday Week Adventures, Mishaps, and Mayhem!”

The morning of birthdate #1, I woke up hot. Sweaty. Sticky. Because our AC has been out. Lest you think this a recent event, please let me disabuse you of that idea! Our AC has been out since August. Yep. And for whatever reason, the part that will fix it is the most rare and special of objects. So special, it is back-ordered and set to arrive in 6 weeks.

Summer in New York City—the sights, the sounds, the smells, the humidity, the 94-degree days!

Suffice it to say that not sleeping great has never been a positive contribution to any experience. But ok! It’s hot. We’ve done all we can do to find the part. Invested in some fans. Letting it go. Next.

Have you ever had a paper cut? Not a huge deal. Have you ever had a cardboard cut? It’s next level. The box lid had glue on it that had dried into an unexpectedly sharp edge. That was my first birthday gift of the year, a slice from a box the whole length of my thumb to the first knuckle.

Ok. Ow. Put on a bandaid, move along with the day. Weird, but whatever.

I had a full schedule for the rest of my day, and most of it didn’t happen because last-minute urgencies surfaced, and I had to redirect my attention and reschedule all my appointments. I had a nice dinner with my husband at the second restaurant we went to. Even my dinner plans shifted at the last minute. The next day was more of the same racing from here to there—except I wasn’t racing so much as strolling, casual and dignified in my giant black orthopedic boot. The tendon in my ankle that was torn and healed tore again the very day the doc gave me the ok to dance on it again! I’ve had to modify my workouts. Dancing for over an hour every morning isn’t in the cards right now.

My husband threw me a party later that week, so the night before, I wanted to welcome our out-of-town guests. Michael and I were attending a wedding earlier that evening, he officiated, and I walked the bride down the aisle in my orthopedic boot. We had planned on meeting up with our friends afterward, around 11 PM. We did not plan on the dregs of Hurricane Ida that hit the entire northeast that night. Rain was pouring in sheets, the wind howled, it was a monsoon. But we looked at the weather and decided we would still make the hour drive. How often is the weather forecast accurate? How bad could it really be?

Bad. Really bad, actually.

All the highways out of Manhattan were closed, so we headed North through the city. Time after time, we had to turn around because the water on the street ahead was sometimes up to the door handles of parked cars. Detour after detour and finally, we made it out of the city, and we figured it would be smooth sailing ahead. Nope. That route was closed because it was flooded. The next route looked good up until the part where a huge downed tree blocked all the lanes. Cars were just left on the roads and roadsides, abandoned. Our phones blared with severe weather alerts directing all non-essential travelers to stay home. Flash flood warnings were everywhere. Two hours into what was supposed to be a one-hour drive, we hit another blocked road. Now wondering if maybe we should just turn around and forget about it, we checked both locations in the navigation, both of which were 1 hour away. So we forged ahead and arrived well after 2 AM, safe and tired.

The weather also caused my oldest son’s flight to be cancelled. The next day it caused my oldest daughter Miriam’s train to be cancelled. David made it to the party, and so did Miriam, in a way. We put her on Facetime, and she even gave a speech. The party was really nice, and I am so grateful to everyone who came to celebrate with me.

Then it was Friday, Shabbat, dinners, guests, and preparing my lecture for Rosh Hashanah at the last minute. Then three days of Rosh Hashanah connections late into the night three nights in a row, standing for hours on end.

After which, I found myself laying on the floor of my closet, too tired to get up and put on pajamas, staring at the ceiling, sweating. (Still, no AC, remember?)

And I had thoughts. At Midnight. On the closet floor. Too tired to go to bed.

It’s been a whirlwind of a week, but really non-stop for several months when I think back on it. It’s really no wonder my ankle is in a boot. It seemed unfortunate and annoying, but maybe it’s fortunate, a forced pause I needed to slow down and refocus some of my energy inward. The treacherous drive through both city and countryside in a tropical storm was fortunate in its way, too. I got to spend four hours with my husband working together as a team, problem-solving, and relying on each other with total trust. When Miriam couldn’t get a train or flight from DC, she was devastated, and if I’d let her, she would have taken a 5-hour uber ride to get there. Just knowing how much it meant to her to be with me on my birthday was the best present she could have given me. So maybe that unfortunate event made us both realize how much we love and appreciate each other. In that light, it’s more fortunate than not. The cardboard cut still seems unfortunate, and so does the AC being broken, but maybe those stories are still in Act 1 and the plot and resolution haven’t fully been revealed. It’s quite possible those too are going to turn out to be fortunate events.

For sure, it has already made me pause and have more appreciation for a healthy body, AC, and in general, all the freedoms we often take for granted. Fortified by my short rest on the floor and feeling peace and certainty that my life is unfolding just as it is meant to, I stood up, forgetting about my ankle. It made an ominous popping sound followed by intense pain. I think the tendon tore a little bit more. It was almost like my ankle was conspiring with the universe, content that I’d hit upon the lesson of it all and deciding that I needed to rest a little bit more.

I’m a little glad that this is the last day of my birthday because I’m not sure how many more fortunate events I can take! But in all seriousness, I wouldn’t change a thing. As I always remind myself, the process is the purpose.

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Limitless, Hopeful, Powerful You

Let’s talk about hope. Hopes for ourselves, our friends, our families, if we have children, certainly we have high hopes for them. When we think about the world, we all share the same hope, one of peace between factions, enemies, and countries.

To hope is a beautiful thing—at its core, it is desire. Hope is defined as: desire for a certain thing to happen.

As my husband Michael remarks, there isn’t a more extraordinary gift that we are given in our life than the gift of desire. The only reason we enjoy anything is because we have desired it. The only reason we seek is because we have desire. The only reason we live is because we have desire. Desire is so powerful that it quite literally determines the course of our lives.

It behooves us to know what we desire and examine the things we hope for. It’s like the old saying goes, “If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.”

As Rosh Hashanah is next week, this is the perfect time to think about our hopes and desires. This marks the beginning of a new year, and we can make of it whatever we desire. It’s as if we all have new lives ahead of us.

I’ve noticed that when people talk about their desires and hopes, they tend to keep them within the realm of what is possible for their lives as they are today. They stay ‘realistic.’ You’ve heard that adage, dare to dream. But most people don’t put much daring into their dreaming.

I’m here to share that there is no limit on what you can desire and receive other than the limits you give yourself.

Your thoughts and beliefs are the most significant determining factors for the trajectory of your future.

That’s not how most people approach their desires, though. We tend to see what is right in front of us and limit what we believe is possible. Much of that is upbringing, the thought patterns that we picked up from our parents, and the instinct to model what we know and see. I suppose that formula is a pretty good deal if you were born into a healthy family, but for the many who weren’t, it’s limiting. To say the least.

All politics and policies aside, take Barack Obama as an example. He was raised by a single mother who didn’t come from a prominent or wealthy family. The odds of Barack Obama becoming President were pretty staggering. What separated him from other kids in a similar socio-economic status was his mother, Stanley Ann Dunham. (Her father really, really wanted a son!). She didn’t tell him he could be President (I’m equally certain she didn’t tell him he couldn’t). She didn’t tell him he could be wealthy beyond his wildest dreams. It wasn’t anything so specific.

Simply, she instilled in him that he had the power to make a difference.

I know, that statement lands like a thud instead of a crescendo. But that doesn’t make it any less profound. You have the power to make a difference. I know for some, that’s really difficult to embrace or even believe. But you do! And you know you know this on some deep level because you are painfully aware of when you feel like you don’t. If I asked you right now (I am asking you right now) to recall a time in your life or a situation you were in where you felt like you couldn’t make a difference, I’m sure at least one or two powerful memories come immediately to mind.

Each of us. No matter how famous, infamous, influential, or not, have an immense power to make a difference.

These were the other three values that Stanley Ann Dunham taught her son:

· Be kind and be useful and caring about people who are less fortunate than you

· Be a peacemaker rather than an instigator

· Try to lift people up instead of putting them down

Embodying those three values alone would be a good start for making the year ahead powerful and fulfilling. I could go in-depth on the many lessons in those three simple statements, but each are areas where we can make a difference in our own lives and for the world.

But let’s get back to hope, desire, and being daring enough not to limit ourselves.

You have the power to make a difference in your life, your family, your community, and the world. As you approach this Rosh Hashanah, make a list of desires for the year to come. Maybe you want to buy a house or change careers; maybe you have an idea or business you want to manifest this year. Now, also consider making a list of all the ways you can make a difference and write those down, too. Is there an issue you see around you, perhaps a child that needs extra support, a community that could benefit from your expertise and energy, or a social issue that you are passionate about? You have power to effect positive change, so think of places where you can lend your voice and support. Now, what happens when you look at those lists side-by-side?

The first list, which is completely valid, and I support all your hopes and dreams (unless they are illegal or hurt other people), may feel a little self-centric. But I bet your second list is inspirational, aspirational even.

Kabbalistically, connecting to the energy of Rosh Hashanah builds a vessel for the whole year. You can visualize the vessel as a place with enough room for everything you hope for and desire to manifest, fully supported, and just waiting for you to make it happen. The crux? The size of the vessel depends on not just what you desire but if you want to share it. The more you believe in your power to create change and make a difference, the larger your impact and the bigger your vessel will be.

Ask. Desire. Dream. Hope. But ask with the desire to not just receive for yourself, but with the desire to receive for the sake of sharing those blessings with others. In light of that, our second list is probably looking more and more impressive.

I wish you all a beautiful year ahead, filled with joy, kindness, generosity of heart and spirit, love, inspiration, ingenuity, passion, genius, and prosperity. Happy New Year! Or in Hebrew, Chodesh Tov!

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A Place Where We Belong

Is there a life event more charged with anticipation and hope than the first day of school? I can think of no adult life event that even comes close.

On the first day of school, and especially the first day of a new school, nothing lies ahead but pure potential. It’s all in your hands, and that makes it both exhilarating and anxiety-inducing! This year both my girls are entering new schools. Miriam is off to her first week of college, and in a couple of weeks, Abigail begins her new school that specializes in educating bright, young minds with the gift of dyslexia.

Miriam’s hopes for her college experience are pretty in sync with mine. Obviously, I want her to learn, be a diligent student, and hopefully find her calling. But one of my fondest hopes for my eldest daughter is to find true friends. Like Friends level friends. I hope she finds her tribe, some as yet unmet group of like-minded people who will inspire her and support her and become lifelong friends. She hasn’t gotten to have that experience yet, and really, that’s the good stuff.

“Of all the means to ensure happiness throughout the whole life, by far the most important is the acquisition of friends.” -Epicurus

I remember my high school years, too. I had friends and engaged in school activities, but I never felt a deep sense of belonging with any group. My friends weren’t bad friends, we were just young and didn’t know who we were yet. Maybe close, lifelong friendships are just formed later in life. That lack of community and not having a friend who really got me, well, let’s just say my high school years won’t be making any of my ‘best of’ lists! And much like me, Miriam didn’t find her people in high school, either.

But college, college is a whole new world! A bigger world. I know she’ll find her place and her group. And I know that in this fleeting fragment of time before classes start, when all is still potential, her people are out there wondering when they’ll find Miriam and their own deep sense of belonging that true friendship forges.

In many ways going off to college is the first milestone of adulthood. And classic Miriam, she has gone away to school, as in many miles, several states between us, making it very difficult to spontaneously pop in to check on her without buying a plane ticket or driving five straight hours. But I also know we’ve raised an exceptional young woman who knows her own mind and is resourceful. She knows that no matter what, I will always be her light when she needs help through the dark.

Over the next few years, I hope Miriam gets the life experience to find out what lights her up and inspires her passion. I also want her to learn what dims her light, what situations deplete her energy, and identify the kinds of people who diminish her enjoyment of life. It’s not a class her college offers, but maybe it should be!

Abigail is also starting a new adventure in an environment that I believe will help her develop into a powerful leader (she already has strong leadership skills). Maybe more important than the academics, my hope is that this school restores her confidence. She’s such a bright girl, but before her dyslexia was discovered, she struggled at school, which was so confusing for both of us. Naturally, that struggle shook her confidence a little. I know this school is going to set her up to achieve great things. I want her to feel proud of herself. I hope she will be very happy and find kids that she connects with.

By the way, that last part is Abigail’s greatest hope, too. For the last few years, Abigail has been actively seeking and dreaming of her best friend. She knows she’s out there, and the pain she feels at not having found her yet is so raw. It almost brings me to tears how much she yearns for her as yet unmet best friend. In the meantime, we’ve both agreed that I am her interim, acting best friend. I’m doing a good job, but I know she looks forward to the day she finds her age-appropriate bf so they can experience many firsts together.

There’s a theme here, one of connectedness and belonging. Our human desire to connect and belong is inherent and necessary for us to flourish and enjoy life. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs lists it as so fundamental that it comes only after safety and food. In fact, if we each don’t find our place and feel that we are accepted and belong, it is almost impossible to transcend up the hierarchy to experience things like competency, self-confidence, and purpose. All of which we need to be successful parents, partners, and hold purposeful roles within society. My girls aren’t experiencing anything that we all haven’t felt at one time or another.

The way in which we find our sense of belonging is up to us. Covid-19 social distancing requirements resulted in people forming pods, a small group of friends, family, or neighbors that they interacted with socially, to the exclusion of everyone else. Not surprisingly, as people are returning to offices and venturing out more socially, many find that they miss their tight knit groups. The bonds they forged and the time they spent together fostered a deep sense of belonging, one that they keenly miss. Others find their place in the military, in many instances becoming closer than their own family members. The HBO series that followed a close-knit group of soldiers through their experiences in WWII was called Band of Brothers for a reason. Others will find their place in a spiritual or religious community. Take the mafia as another good example. Less dangerous than the military or the mafia, college is a perfect environment for fostering friendship among groups.

Before Miriam left for college, she bought Abigail a sweatshirt that says, “My Sister Goes to GW University.” Obviously, Miriam was excited about going, and she thoughtfully found a way to include Abigail. Connectedness. It’s really beautiful. We yearn for it when we don’t feel it. And seeing the longing in both of my girls awakens such appreciation within me. It’s a process, and a process I’m still in the middle of, but I am so thankful for having found my tribe, my calling, my belonging.

One last hope for Miriam, that the further away she is physically from us, the closer she feels to us in her soul. I also want her to come home every weekend. One can have hope, right?

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How To Turn Regret into Growth

I am always introspective around my birthday, which happens to be this month, Virgo. This is also the month leading up to New Year, Rosh Hashanah, and is dedicated to looking back on our past year. But whatever your reason or preferred season for self-reflection, I don’t think there is ever a bad time to take an honest appraisal.

Traditionally, this month is when we do an inventory of our past year, not only in preparation for the year to come but to engage in a process called teshuvah, which means ‘to return.’ By taking the energy to think about all the things we did that we wish we hadn’t and all the things we wish we had (but didn’t), we can actually correct those things, making it as if they had never happened at all, on a spiritual level.

Is it a fun process? Mmmm, depends on how you’ve behaved this year! But, if you’re anything like me, there are a few words that you’d rather had remained unsaid or even unthought. But, before you disappear into a shame spiral, hold on.

We mistakenly believe that life is meant to be a straight line from wherever I am now to wherever I need to get to. Not true! Failure is an intrinsic part of life–it is actually built into the system. We are meant to fail. We are meant to mess up. We are meant to say the wrong thing, be too self-involved, wrapped up in our ego, or sometimes do hurtful things. In fact, there is a phrase in the Talmud that says, “a person can never really understand wisdom, unless they have failed it.”

Failures do not make us a failure. In fact, our mistakes actually make us better, stronger, wiser people. The point is not to take those times we fall as an indication of who we are, but rather that there is something that we need to pay attention to and to change within ourselves or about how we are living our lives.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” – Winston Churchill

We’re going to err. It is going to happen, and it is going to continue to happen. But instead of beating ourselves up, or avoiding something out of the fear of messing it up, embrace the idea that you need it. Failure, error, mistakes are all things that you need that give you the opportunity to become better.

…As long as you learn from them.

So now what? You’ve done it wrong. Failed. Flubbed. Erred. Fumbled. Fell flat on your face. How do you get from there to the next positive, right thing? What is the process of snatching the growth and opportunity from the jaws of defeat?

It’s so simple.

It starts with saying to yourself, “I made a mistake, and this is an unfortunate but necessary part of life.” Then consider how it went wrong and what you’d do differently next time. If you hurt someone, apologize.

Next time you fail, and you will, skip the part where you feel shame and embarrassment. You can skip your reaction, excuses, or wishful thinking that it had never happened at all, too. Instead, accept the error as a necessary part of being human.

But what about really bad things?

Accepting accountability for where we’ve went wrong also means accepting the consequences for those mistakes. The internal process doesn’t differ, but that doesn’t mean you won’t still have to bear the consequences.

But what about people who keep making the same mistakes over and over?

Some people seem to be slow learners! I believe that part of the reason this happens is because they’ve internalized their errors. I did something bad, so I’m bad. I failed, so I’m a failure. They let their mistakes define them instead of inform them. The danger in not learning from our mistakes is that some people give up on their process, and they give up on themselves.

In all honesty, it’s not fun to see our flaws, and at times can be painful. But if we are willing to really see ourselves – flawed and all –that is the first step in transforming into who we are destined to become. With no regrets.

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May you live every day of your life

Jonathan Swift penned, “May you live every day of your life.”

It stops me in my tracks every single time I read it. Am I? Am I living today in a meaningful way? Is what I’m doing right now important, fulfilling, or fun? It’s such a simple sentence, but it packs a punch.

On the surface, step one is to consider what we are doing and what we might want to change in our lives—usually on the physical level of optimizing our experience of life as it relates to our job, home, automobile, or the way we interact with the people in our lives. We can also take from this the power of living in the now, being fully present in every moment of our lives. That’s a wonderful tool and can up your happiness quotient almost immediately.

But for me, the real power of this quote takes me beyond mindfulness, beyond the physical shifts we can make. Tangential to or perhaps, deeper than being present and living in the now, is how you think and feel about your life.

Rosh Hashanah, which is New Year in the kabbalistic calendar, is coming up soon. We are in the month of Virgo, which precedes it and thus, is an auspicious and necessary window of time for introspection and reevaluation before we embark on our next year. It’s also my birthday month, a time when I inherently review the year behind and cement my vision and aspirations for the year ahead. All of this starts with self-assessment, and I invite you to do it right along with me.

How do you feel most of the time? (bored, inspired, sad, tired, hopeful, energized, focused, content, anxious, worried, frustrated) What is your predominant emotion most days?

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What are the thoughts that drive your predominant emotion?

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What is your internal narrative most of the day?(I have to do this thing next vs. I get to do this thing next. I am stressed about that vs. I am excited about that. They expect me to vs. I want to.)

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Do you feel that everything is a chore, or do you feel purposeful, contentment, or even excitement about completing your daily routines?

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We spend so much time thinking about how we think and feel about big decisions or important relationships, but really a life is made up of many repetitive habits and routines, and we would be remiss if we didn’t examine their meanings, narratives, and how they affect our enjoyment of each day. I was taken aback by research published by the National Science Foundation that highlights just how repetitive and negative our thoughts can be. According to the NSF, the average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those, 80% are negative and 95% are exactly the same repetitive thoughts as the day before.It’s not hard to see how permanently changing even just a few of our thoughts could radically impact our experience of life.

What narratives do you assign to everything from spending the day at the beach to doing chores around the house? What are your thoughts and feelings around brushing your teeth, setting your alarm, waking up, cooking dinner, eating breakfast, driving to an appointment, answering the phone, writing text messages, receiving texts, dressing, doing laundry, looking in the mirror. Go deep and be thorough.

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How you see the ways you spend your days is what makes them fully lived, or not. The difference between living a fulfilled life or living an unfulfilled existence comes down to not what you do but how you thinkabout what you do. Rav Ashlag writes about this concept in the book, And You Shall Choose Life.He makes very clear that the only difference between somebody who is tremendously fulfilled and somebody who feels unfulfilled is the ability to see.

When we really understand something, we say, “Oh, I see.” But, we don’t see something differently; we understand it differently. To see with our eyes is a metaphor for clear comprehension, understanding, realization, discernment, recognition, and identification. There are so many illusions in this world. To open up your eyes doesn’t just mean look around, analyze, and be thoughtful but also to see beyond the illusions, beyond your inherent biases, beyond the narratives that others have created and we so often take as facts. Think of it as seeing with wholly different eyes.

In my late teens and early twenties, I had a debilitating eating disorder coupled with body dysmorphia. I was in tremendous pain, locked in a battle with myself, and under the illusion that I was obese. When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see the reality, which was a skeletal, sickly-looking young woman. I would go into the bathroom and conduct a pinch-test, grabbing bits of skin between my thumb and index finger to ensure I had no fat deposits. Sometimes I did this more than once a day and, if I’m honest, I did this anytime I passed by a mirror in private. It was a thorough investigation I performed, making sure there were no signs of fat or cellulite. I examined my body intensely, and yet I still could not see what harm I was doing.

Fortunately, I saw before it was too late.

I was in the midst of my morning pinch-test investigation when I caught sight of my reflection

in the mirror. My real reflection. A skeletal, unrecognizable stranger stared back at me. I was

horrified. I looked for the person I knew myself to be and couldn’t find her. I broke into a sweat and started to panic. I was shocked by what I had done to myself. It was the first time I could see the devastation I had caused. The skeletal woman in the mirror had been created by no one else but me.

I call this moment my gift of sight.

I had been standing on a high ledge, my toes dangling off the edge, for five straight years. As I saw myself in the mirror that day, my healthy fear saved me. It kicked in. And I stepped back. If I hadn’t finally seen clearly that day, I probably wouldn’t even be here, to be honest. Illusions are powerful, and I spent years living in one.

We all have moments in our lives where we are fooled, where we can’t see the truth, but what I do know is that I can’t take it seriously; I can’t believe it or buy into it.

May you live every day of your life.

I want you to think about where you’re at in your life. If you had a new set of eyes, a clean slate unbiased by belief systems, painful memories, and the like, how would that change the way you feel about your life and the things you do?

What is the illusion that you think has a hold over you? It may have the title of a disease, eating disorder, labels like silly, clumsy, flaky, weak, or a limit you’ve imposed on yourself, something you’ve decided is impossible. Look at where you’re at and know that you can see, fully and clearly, without distortion or illusion. Then tomorrow or maybe even two hours from now or a week from now, when you feel that illusion creeping back into your thoughts, you’ll be able to say ‘STOP – I know better, even if in this moment I cannot see it clearly.’

With our newfound sight, we begin to think in new ways about everything that we see and do and experience. Those new thoughts evoke new emotions and may increase your fulfillment and enjoyment of life immediately, but for some, the gift of sight will not be pleasant at first. To live every day of your life to its fullest with fulfillment and joy, you have to see. See the truth from the illusion, the story from the facts, the good, the bad, the ugly, the inspirational, the awe-inspiring, the blessings, and the challenges. See it all, just as it is. Really, honestly, clearly see.

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Step Back, Jack

The other day I was at an office supply store (have I mentioned how much I love office supplies?) when I overheard a frustrated person exclaim, “He can’t see the forest for the trees.” Apparently, they were working on a project together, and a mutual colleague was mired in the small stuff.

He can’t see the forest for the trees.

You may have heard this saying before applied to someone—ahem, a Virgo, perhaps—who is so focused on the small stuff that they can’t see the larger picture. Of course, attention to detail is one of Virgo’s greatest strengths. Where would we be without the proofreaders and planners in our lives?! Though, it can also be one of their greatest weaknesses.

Welcome to the month of Virgo!

Pssst! It’s my birthday month.Which means I am very well acquainted with the many facets of the energy available to all of us at this time.

Virgos are highly organized problem-solvers. If you’ve got a group project to knock out at work, make sure a Virgo is on your team! They are able to hone in on a situation and see solutions that others may overlook. On the flip side, they have a difficult time delegating. In fact, they may wiggle their way into projects they weren’t originally tasked with under the guise of “helping out.” Everyone could use a Virgo’s eye for detail… until that eye becomes critical, which it tends to do. It should be noted that those who experience the most severe scrutiny of a Virgo are usually themselves.

Understanding the energy of this important month aids in not only preparing for the upcoming holidays but also lays the foundation for the new year ahead. A shift in consciousness helps us to access Virgo energy and use its most positive and helpful aspects.

As we head toward Rosh Hashanah, we have the opportunity to assess our lives in terms of accomplishments, failures, regret, and connection. We ask ourselves what worked, what didn’t, and what we could do better. This process of deep reflection is called t’shuvah. And it’s not easy. We are so close to ourselves that not only is it hard to admit wrongdoing, it’s sometimes hard for us to even see it. This is where we can really take advantage of that focused Virgo eye.

Our lives are a sum of our actions and choices. But most of the time, those actions and choices are made with so little thought that we aren’t fully aware of the cause and effect at play. We don’t like to admit that we have said or done things that may have caused harm. Yet, we do this not because we like to beat ourselves up with our past mistakes but because the damage can be corrected.

The word t’shuvah means “to return.” Think of it like a cosmic eraser, undoing negativity we may have created in the past year. When we truly do the work to account for the things we regret, we can move into the new year with a clean slate.

But here’s the thing: Virgo energy can make us so focused on the details of our actions that we don’t see that this is all part of the process of transformation. Have you ever found yourself startled as you drift to sleep at night because of that one thing you said that one time that still makes you feel ashamed? I definitely have. (And why does this always seem to happen at bedtime?)

Oof. When it feels icky, you know you have truly identified an area that needs work. That’s the first step of t’shuvah. Feeling the pain that our negativity has caused others is the next step. We have to place ourselves in other people’s shoes and relive the experience through their eyes. Feel the discomfort. Then ask yourself if there is a way to make amends. If so, do it. Reach out to those you may have harmed and express your deep regret. Apologize and take responsibility. It is a humbling and necessary experience.

There is one more step you must take: step back and take a good look at what you’ve just done and see it as part of a larger picture.

Then let it go. T’shuvah is part of transformation. And when you have changed so wholly that there is no way the person you are today could make the same error, you have wiped the slate clean. Forgive yourself. You are human, and you are learning. Virgo energy may pull you to dwell on the past and really pick apart your actions. T’shuvah gives you permission to move beyond the details and see that mistakes are part of the journey. They make you wiser, more resilient, and more empathetic. Practicing t’shuvah, connecting to your perfect self, and emerging as someone different is an integral part of spiritual growth.

This month, keep widening your view. Commit to seeing yourself and your life in a bigger, fuller way. Pull back the frame. In doing so, we can let go of the details and the desire to be perfect. Trust that you are part of something greater. The most powerful thing we can do this month is see the forest and the trees.

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Connecting to the Flow of Abundance

We’ve heard the saying before, “You get what you give.” This is true in many aspects of our lives, like our relationships and careers. And it is equally relevant for the flow of money in our lives.

There is a great misconception about spirituality and money that goes something like this:

If I am going to be a spiritually-minded person when it comes to money:

– I will have no control over it
– I need to be less concerned about it
– I can’t have a lot of it

None of these things is true.

There is nothing kabbalistic about that misconception. In fact, the very meaning of the word Kabbalah is to receive. At its core, this spiritual practice is all about how we receive in life and for what purpose.

We are meant to have more of everything. I know what you’re thinking…Excuse me, what? How is this part of a spiritual practice? The Creator wants you to have total fulfillment, physically and spiritually. Poverty is not a prerequisite of spiritual growth.

While money means different things to different people: greed, envy, power, happiness, security, and status, to name a few, money doesn’t inherently represent any of that. We assign it meaning and importance based on our own emotions, experiences, and upbringing.

Simply, money is energy. It is the physical manifestation of energy. A piece of paper with $1 written on it in special ink has no intrinsic value other than the value we all agree to assign to it. So, what is a dollar? Potential energy. Maybe that dollar transforms into part of a car, or house, a meal, or a pen.

While many spend focus, effort, and time accumulating more, what matters most is how much joy and fulfillment you get out of the money you have. Enjoying money is something American’s really struggle with. In AP’s latest Stress in America survey, they found that 72% of Americans reported feeling stressed about money at least sometime in the prior month. According to the 2021 Capital One Credit Wise survey, 73% of Americans rank their finances as the most significant source of stress in their lives. Seventy-three percent is a lot.

Seventy percent of married couples argue about money ahead of fights about household chores, togetherness, sex, snoring, and what is for dinner. Of couples without children under 18, 64% argue about money, while 80% of couples with children younger than 18 argue about money. Clearly, we need to work on this.

So, how do we get more joy and fulfillment out of money?

By sharing it.

The kabbalists teach that cultivating a desire to receive is not wrong as long as it is for the sake of sharing. A spiritual life does not preclude desiring and growing in physical blessings (be it money or otherwise), but desiring more and receiving more is a necessary part of our spiritual life in order to share that abundance with others. Therefore, the abundance we experience in life is rooted in our desire to receive.

Of course, wanting more and believing that you can have more are two different things. That is why people settle in jobs or careers where they are not happy—because they do not believe that they could make more money doing something that they actually love. Our worth is very much tied to how much people are willing to pay us for what we do. And these two things are not necessarily equal. We have to rethink money in order to stop underestimating what we think we can have.

As I stated before, money is energy. Thinking of it this way helps us understand the way it flows in and out of our lives. Like energy, we cannot “own” money. If a person thinks—consciously or unconsciously—that money belongs to them, they are basically cutting off the energy within that money from its source, the Creator. We maintain a steady flow of abundance in our lives when we remove our egos from thoughts about money and maintain a consciousness of not owning money. Rather, we are the stewards of whatever money we have for the opportunity to share it in meaningful ways.

I love this parable that explains how money flows in the physical world.

There was once an ancient kabbalist by the name of Rav Zusha of Anipoli. Everyday after he would complete his morning prayers, he spoke aloud to the Creator. “Blessed Creator, your humble servant, Zusha, would like some breakfast now.” Immediately following this, his attendant would arrive and serve him breakfast.

This continued on day after day, without fail.

After a good amount of time, the attendant thought to himself, “Sheesh, Zusha. Of course, your breakfast arrives every morning. I’m the one who makes it and brings it to you!” Then he hatched a plan to teach the kabbalist a lesson.

The next day, Rav Zusha requested his breakfast as usual, “Blessed Creator, your humble servant, Zusha, would like some breakfast now.”

The attendant, feeling smug, crossed his arms and did not move a muscle. He stayed in the kitchen and smiled to himself.

All of a sudden, he heard a knock at the door.

There, on the threshold, stood a man holding a bounty of food. “Rav Zusha gave me and my wife a blessing for a child. Our baby has been born healthy and strong. Please take this gift as a token of our gratitude.”

Awestruck, the attendant accepted the food and realized his folly. “What was I thinking? The Creator is, indeed, the one who provides for Rav Zusha. If I refuse to bring Zusha his meals, the Creator will find another way, for I am simply the channel.”

There is beautiful circuitry to the way that money flows. While it can seem unpredictable, it is anything but.

Yet, if we allow ourselves to focus on what we lack or what we wish we had but can’t afford, we interrupt the flow of abundance coming our way. Each of us has a direct channel of Light and blessings coming to us from the Creator. We control that flow with our certainty and our willingness to share.

The Creator blesses all of us to differing degrees, depending on our soul’s purpose, with different levels of monetary manifestation. If a person thinks that there is something wrong or unspiritual with attaining wealth, they are closing themselves off to the potential abundance that was meant for them. This occurs in other aspects of our lives, as well. Some want a fulfilling relationship, but they do not think they are deserving of it, so they block the very opportunities that would provide the relationship they crave.

The purpose of spiritual practice through learning, study, and applying these understandings is not only to find pleasure in our spiritual lives but to mirror that in our physical lives, as well.

Think about the thought patterns or actions that may be blocking abundance from your life. Everything can start to change the moment you decide to connect to the flow of abundance waiting to enter your life.

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Love Grows (when you feed it): Tu B’Av

Love changes. The love you have today is not the same love you will feel in a few years or even next month. It’s up to you to ensure your love becomes stronger. We all know it can go either way. There is no such thing as a stable relationship; they are either growing or declining.

How does that make you feel? For some, that statement can elicit fear. Others find it invigorating because change means growth, and without growth, relationships deteriorate over time. When we grow in a relationship, we learn how to really give and receive love, how to show up. Growth is necessary, not only for a relationship to strengthen but for each person to reach their full potential in this lifetime. Our responsibility is not just to each other—when we grow as a couple, the power of that relationship impacts all of us. This is the profound importance of love.

Saturday is the kabbalistic holiday of love, Tu B’Av. It is also the day I married my soulmate, Michael. Everyone knows how much I love talking and writing about love, and being in love, so this day checks off quite a few boxes for me.

Tu B’Av presents all of us with a window of time in which we can plant seeds for strengthening our bonds of love and friendship in the coming year. Most couples desire deep connection but are confused about how to make that happen. Many couples early on in their relationships can’t even imagine fighting with each other or feeling disconnected, while some couples barely remember a time when they ever felt connected. The message is the same for both: the marriages that work are the marriages you work on. For the young couples certain of their love, now is the time to commit to learning about each other and sharing vulnerably. In fact, that’s the same advice I’d give a couple who is struggling.

The love and connection we all crave can’t happen without vulnerability.

Yet, isn’t it funny how much we are attracted to the archetype of the mysterious rebel, the impossibly aloof characters like J.D. Salinger’s Holden Caulfield, and Batman and the loveable rogues like Neal Caffrey in White Collar, Eric Northman in True Blood, remember Sawyer, from Lost? Let’s not forget the allure of the femme fatales like Winona Ryder in Heathers, Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, and Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman.

No one thinks to themselves that they ultimately desire a partner who is mysterious. Intrigue may spark desire as we get to know someone. But when we encounter challenges in life, we aren’t going to turn to the person who is an enigma because mystery in a relationship translates to unavailable.

Unconditional love means being ready to give when your partner is in need and knowing that they will offer the same when the person in need is you. We understand this in theory. When a couple weds, they make a sacred promise in front of witnesses to be there for the other. However, it isn’t until a couple experiences life challenges that they have the opportunity to really evolve and grow. I learned this about seven years into our marriage. When our son Josh was born and diagnosed with Downs Syndrome, I began to question so many things about who I was as a woman, as a mother, and as a person. It was a very difficult time, and allowing myself to be truly seen by Michael was hard.

But I realized it was foolish to try and hide aspects of myself from someone who loves me unconditionally. When I let myself be seen, that’s when our relationship began to grow exponentially. Of course, we already loved each other deeply. Yet, it was the act of opening up and sharing our raw feelings with each other that made our love and our relationship stronger. This is incredibly difficult to do because it requires vulnerability, and most of us learned through negative experiences to equate vulnerability with risk.

At the start of a new relationship, people often want to show the best sides of themselves and hide their less-than-perfect selves. That may be a common aspect of modern dating, but as I healed from a traumatic birth experience, I learned that is simply not sustainable.

What if we start from a place of honesty? What if we decide to be vulnerable from the start? What if we commit to growth even when life rolls along smoothly? The more willing we are to be our true selves, the stronger the foundation we have on which to build a long-term relationship. Tu B’Av gives us a chance to stop and be real with our partners, shed the veils we use to hide ourselves, and hold space for them to do the same.

Ask yourself how you can be truly present so your partner feels safe and ready to be vulnerable with you.

Be curious. Discovering the ways we can be available to our partners fosters kindness and empathy. Over time, this becomes your default response to challenge—to immediately ask yourself what the other person needs. And when I say “need,” I don’t mean what you think they need. Ask yourself what they actually need. This is what it means to truly show up.

One year, in an anniversary card Michael wrote,

“I don’t know where we’re going to be in a year or five years or ten years, but my hope is that we’re not where we are today. Not that today isn’t a thousand times more connected and more in love than we were on the day we got married, but I know that if we do our work correctly, then the love that we will feel next year and the love that we will feel in five years will make what we feel today pale in comparison.”

He wrote that almost a decade ago. I marvel at the work we had done up to that point. I had no idea how much growth still awaited us. And now, on our 24th anniversary, I know that so much more lies ahead of us.

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Connecting to Love, Certainty & Karen

Sunday is the one-year day of elevation, or hilulah of, Karen Berg. Days of elevations are powerful days because the kabbalists teach that on this day, we can tap into the energy that soul brought to the world during their lifetime. It is a moment to immerse ourselves in study and joy. And so, we pause to remember Karen, as we do for all elevated souls who have left this world. Today holds even more significance for me because Karen is not only my teacher and mentor, she is my mother-in-law and beloved Safta to my children. I count it as one of the great blessings of my life to have been included in her family. She nurtured me as if I were her own daughter. Like my own parents, she always wanted what was best for me.

Karen Berg greatly impacted me and my life’s path during the 28 years that I knew her. When I encountered her at 17 years old, she was the first person I had ever met who had no expectations of me. She simply held space for me to grow while offering gentle encouragement and guidance. It was so freeing, and it was exactly what I needed at that time in my life. Until that time, my first impulse was to identify what others needed from me and then fulfill their wants. Karen showed me that there was another way, another option, and by her example, I was able to begin asking myself, “What do I want?” That one simple question sparked a lifelong desire to fulfill my highest potential and unabashedly give back to the world. Yet, this is not an experience unique to me or to my husband Michael, as her son. Karen had this impact on the entire Kabbalah Centre community. Indeed, she changed the world for the better.

Karen taught me that one of the greatest mistakes we make in life is thinking that we’ve made mistakes. This was even more true for me as a Virgo. Aware of my tendencies toward perfection, Karen once said to me, “That’s why God created erasers—we don’t have to be perfect.” She reminded me that if we have certainty in the Light of the Creator, then the Light of the Creator is involved in every aspect of our lives, including the mistakes we make. Those mistakes are part of our process. And if I’m successful, this will be one of the most important lessons my children and everyone I connect with learn from me.

For many years, students would come to Karen with their chaos and problems. She would address their issues with such certainty it was palpable, and they left knowing that everything was happening for their best outcome. Karen created an environment and a support system that honored the core of who I am while challenging me to be the best version of myself. She believed in me before I believed in me. With unwavering love, she approached every moment with an open heart and a listening ear. I never felt alone. With Karen in my life, I always felt a great warmth in times of difficulty. On her day of elevation, I know I will be able to feel that warmth of her spirit again—an energy that will give me great clarity and certainty. And I wish great clarity and certainty for you, as well.

This anniversary is a gift, for the tremendous Light that is Karen’s soul is available to all of us. And if we could offer a gift back to her, the most powerful thing we could do would be to pause our day long enough to connect to the energy of Karen, thank her for being a channel of love for all of humanity, and then return to our daily lives with the mission to help another person in need. The energy of Karen Berg is the energy of radical sharing.

When Karen knew her death was near, she told Michael, “I will do what I can to stay in this world, but if not, I have had a full and meaningful life.” Full and meaningful—those words do not even begin to express the great work she did in her lifetime. Her life was beyond full and remarkably meaningful to anyone and everyone who connected with her. The community she helped create is thriving and still growing out of the love she poured into it. I am honored to continue the work she began. May it sustain us and nurture us indefinitely.

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Love & Peace In the Face of Darkness

Welcome to the month of Leo, and hold onto your hats. The next nine days, culminating in Tisha B’av (the 9th day of Leo), are historically rough, to say the least. Tisha B’Av is a day known by the kabbalists to be the most negative day of the year and has seen some of the most negative events in history: the destruction of the first and second Temples, the beginning of the first World War, and the signing of the Final Solution in Germany in 1942. On a positive personal note, this month brought the birth of Rav Berg.

The good news is that potential energy is always mirrored. Where darkness is strong, Light shines all the brighter.

This New Moon marks the anniversary of the death of Aaron, a lesser known biblical figure, the brother of Moses and Miriam, and the spoken word behind the strength of Moses. Perhaps to aid in the future trials of Tisha B’Av, the Creator and Aaron agreed that this would be the time Aaron would transcend and become our protector, of sorts, from the more damaging aspects of this time. In the way that he shepherded his brother through the tribulations of freeing their people from bondage and gloom, his spirit and memory remains to help us seek the Light in this time. In addition to connecting to the energy of Aaron, Tisha B’Av also saw the elevation of my mother-in-law and mentor, Karen Berg; I feel strengthened by her energy, beauty, compassion and love, especially on this day.

Yes, Tisha B’Av is a wash in darkness, the thing that creates so much disconnection, misunderstanding, and chaos in the world. But Aaron was the one person in the Torah who was set aside as being the exact antithesis of separation. It was said that he ran after peace and love; something to which we should all aspire. Something which we can all attain with an eye on Aaron’s example and hearts full of love.

Moses, imbued with Universal power to free the Israelites from bondage, lost faith in his charges. Full of righteous indignation and strength, Moses saw his people fighting and killing each other and decided, in a moment of darkness, that they did not deserve freedom. Moses would have chosen then and there to leave his people in slavery, believing that hatred, pain, and suffering cannot end and therefore it would be better to leave the Israelites where they were. Rav Brandwein wrote of the Creator’s wish that Aaron intercede with the people and sway their hearts, and Moses’, toward the Light and peace. Aaron knew that doing the work was only part of the effort. Without awakening his consciousness to be filled with love and peace, the work would fall flat. So Aaron’s piece of history is less about cajoling us toward goodness and more about encouraging us all to find an appreciation and acceptance of ourselves and others, to connect to our love for ourselves and others. His example is one of kindness, not fear; of power tempered with love.

The month of Leo – and Tisha B’Av specifically – is a time when we should all heed our selfish, darker inclinations. The challenge of Leo (or, more accurately: opportunity) is one of empathy, compassion, and understanding. So if these coming days hit you hard or push you into a place of conflict with yourself or others, I encourage you to lean into the lessons and power of Aaron to awaken love between ourselves, within ourselves, and reach out to those with whom we’ve become frustrated. Even more than learning from him this New Moon, let’s try living with Aaron.

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