Monica Berg's Blog, page 12

KOIN-TV

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Feeling with Excitement the Light of Shavuot

Kabbalists teach that over 3,400 years ago, the entire world experienced the Revelation of Light on Mount Sinai. For that brief moment, the true spiritual reality and the physical reality became one. In this video, Monica emphasizes how to practically tap into that miraculous energy during the overnight study, in celebration of this most powerful holiday.

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Gemini: A Spiritual Thrill Ride

The beginning of the month of Gemini should come with the same disclaimer you hear at the beginning of a rollercoaster: “Fasten your seatbelt and keep your hands and arms inside the car at all times!” The energy of Gemini is fast, intentional, and forward-moving, and we’re all getting a dose of warp speed this month. Continuing with the thrill ride analogy, Gemini also brings with it a lesson:

Once you’re on the ride, you’ve got to ride it until the end.

A little about those born under this sign—I consider myself somewhat of an expert with two Gemini daughters and a part-Gemini husband—they are quick-thinking, alert, bright, fast-talking, and charmingly persuasive. They have a penchant for language, information, humor, efficiency, and novelty. A Gemini will grasp, with astounding agility, all sides of a question, integrate a stance, and make a decision simultaneously! It is both inspiring and dizzying.

But, like any other sign, it’s an energy that isn’t without its challenges. Because of the speed of their intellects, Geminis tend to be reactive, to act or speak without thoroughly thinking it through. Their quick wit is an effective tool in most cases but a sharp weapon in others. Gemini is ruled by Mercury, the fastest planet in our solar system, traveling at 140,000 miles per hour and completing a full trip around the sun in just 88 Earth days. Both Gemini and Mercury represent communication in all of its forms, and this pairing has the power to move mountains—or level them.

Not coincidentally, one of the gifts of the month is movement, the ability to move forward and to make changes more quickly than at other times of the year. While this can mean making professional, personal, or creative progress, it all ultimately comes down to making spiritual moves.

Let’s say you’ve set a goal of going back to school and getting your graduate degree. You’re filled with inspiration and motivation, everything is lining up just right, and you’re already planning your graduation party and maybe even the work you’ll do post-graduation. Perhaps you’ve bought yourself a new computer, you’ve created an office for your work and study, and are energized with the vigor of a new beginning.

Now fast-forward six months. You’re knee-deep in finals, the kids have soccer, you haven’t slept, and thinking about carving out time to study is suddenly impossible. All of the excitement is gone, and in its place is stress, exhaustion, and maybe even dread. You can still see the end in sight yet find yourself wondering, is this really worth it?

This zone is what makes a Gemini run just as fast… in the other direction. The shadow side of Gemini’s electricity is their distaste for feeling trapped thus, making commitments is less than desirable. The swiftness with which they begin a new project, idea, or relationship is the same swiftness with which they abandon it. But, as with every challenge, the gold is mined in the dirt.

Where do you feel you’ve lost your enthusiasm? Is it a goal? A relationship? An idea? What has caused your lack of progress? I usually hear things like:

“I just don’t have the time anymore.”

“It probably wasn’t going to go anywhere anyway.”

“It’s too much right now.”

Whatever the excuse, the lesson of this month is contained right there. Why don’t you have the time anymore? Taking this question to heart could mean realizing that it isn’t a lack of time; It’s about needing to prioritize your needs. It isn’t about whether something is going to “go somewhere”; it’s about addressing your false belief that it won’t. It isn’t “too much right now” it’s just asking you to grow a little (or a lot) beyond your comfort zone.

This all brings me back to my statement above. Whatever kind of movement or growth we’re looking to make will only ever truly be about our spiritual movement and growth.

This month, explore all the things that cause you to abandon your stick-to-itiveness. When the going gets tough, use it as the opportunity to get curious—another Gemini superpower—and ask what is happening beneath the surface, become a sleuth for clues about why you lost your spark, and seek to connect even deeper to your trust in the process. And stay the course. To do this, we need strength, wisdom, and clarity, and luckily for us, we can have it because we have the opportunity to connect with Gemini energy all month long.

Because of this gift of movement, we can make significant spiritual progress during the month of Gemini. So… Commit to something this month! Not simply to the finished product or destination—commit first to staying the course, even when things lose their luster or get tough. Remember that the process is the purpose, and as you make your strides, know that it’s about how you’re growing, not where you’re going.

 

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Lessons from a Sitcom Marriage

Everyone loves—or at least is familiar with—the sitcom trope of a married couple who constantly bickers. From Seinfeld’s parents to Doris Roberts and Peter Boyle on Everybody Loves Raymond, to the leads of one of the originators of the medium, I Love Lucy’s Ricky and Lucy and Ethel and Fred. These iconic pairs have entertained us for decades. What’s unique about these marriages is that they show us, in rapid-fire succession, instances of connection, disconnection, and reconnection. Yes, they fight and annoy each other, but they are couples that stay together and have for years. Why? The answer lies in their ability to repair. Sure, they’re often arguing over silly hijinks and heightened comedic circumstances (it is, after all, situational comedy), but we gravitate toward it because it’s soothing. A consistent cycle of harmony, disharmony, and repair.

Outside of fictional towns and soundstage living rooms, relationships are the heartstrings of our real lives. They weave for us an invisible tapestry of connection, support, and love. Yet, like any intricate tapestry, they can fray and tear, leaving us wondering if it’s easier to let them go. The rise of online dating and social media has created a massive illusion that there’s always something (or someone) better or that a new, far superior partner is just waiting for you to swipe right. Similarly, friendships are made, lost, and broken, and familial bonds come into crisis. In a world that moves faster than we can keep up, always presenting seemingly important, shiny distractions, the work of repair can seem daunting… even pointless.

But it isn’t. The power of repair is a testament to the strength of our spirit and the depth of our hearts.

When relationships encounter challenges, it’s natural to feel the urge to walk away. The pain of a betrayal, the sting of harsh words, or the weight of unmet expectations can create wounds that seem too deep to heal. But it’s in these moments of vulnerability that the true essence of love and connection reveals itself. Repairing a relationship isn’t about brushing off the hurt or pretending the pain never existed. It’s about diving deep into the wound, understanding its origin, and working together to heal it, a process that can be emotionally intense but ultimately rewarding.

The process of repair begins with a willingness to communicate openly and honestly. It requires humility and courage to admit when we’ve hurt someone and to listen when someone has hurt us. This exchange of vulnerability can be profoundly uncomfortable, but it’s through this discomfort that we find the seeds of growth. By addressing the pain head-on, we create a space for empathy, understanding, and, ultimately, forgiveness.

It’s important to remember that repairing a relationship doesn’t mean erasing the past. Instead, it means acknowledging it, learning from it, and using it as a foundation for a stronger, more resilient connection. This process can transform a fractured relationship into one that is even more intimate and loving than before. The act of repair shows that we value the relationship enough to fight for it, to nurture it back to health, and to honor the bond that connects us.

However, not all relationships can be repaired. Sometimes, the damage is too extensive, or the other person is unwilling to engage in the healing process. In these cases, it’s crucial to recognize that trying to repair the relationship is not pointless. Instead, it’s an opportunity for profound personal growth. The effort we put into attempting to mend a broken connection can lead us to repair rifts within ourselves, often the most tender and hidden ones, a journey that can transform us into stronger, more resilient individuals.

When we strive to repair a relationship, we confront our insecurities, fears, and unresolved issues. This introspection can be transformative, helping us understand ourselves better and fostering a whole new level of self-compassion. By facing our internal wounds, we begin to heal from within, becoming more whole and resilient individuals. This inner work not only benefits us but also enhances our capacity to form healthier and more fulfilling relationships in the future.

However, repair is not a process of self-flagellation and doesn’t require us to diminish or criticize ourselves. In fact, the Kabbalists are adamant that repentance should not be a process we engage in out of regret, obligation, guilt, or fear. They teach that repentance is a spiritual gift, an opportunity, and when we truly understand what it affords us, we will naturally have an excitement to partake in the process. This is not to say that it isn’t hard work, it certainly is. It requires a great deal of self-honesty and accountability, but it is rewarding work. It is not work that is meant to make us heavier, it is meant to leave us lighter, more free.

The power of repair lies not just in the outcome but in the journey itself. It’s a journey of self-discovery, growth, and profound love. It’s about showing up, even when it’s hard, and choosing connection over convenience. It’s about believing in the transformative power of love and the resiliency of the human spirit.

The next time you find yourself at a crossroads in a relationship, take a moment to reflect. Consider the power of repair and the potential for an even greater sense of connection and love. And remember, whether the relationship is mended or not, the act of trying to repair it is a testament to your strength, your courage, and your unwavering commitment to love. Every attempt at repair, big or small, is an act of what relationship experts John and Julie Gottman call “turning toward, instead of away.”

In the end, the journey of repair is not just about mending relationships with others; it’s about healing our relationships with ourselves. Some relationships may be irreparable, but through our attempt or consideration to repair them, we further explore our relationship to self. And as I have said many times, our relationships with ourselves are the most important relationships we’ll ever have.

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The Invitation of Loneliness

Every person alive has experienced it, to some degree, at least once in their lives. Nelson Mandela spoke about the profound effect it had on him during his years of imprisonment. Former United States Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy released an advisory illuminating the dangers of prolonged exposure to it—and shared his own experiences with it as well. Taylor Swift even credits the feeling with pushing her into songwriting.

Loneliness.

Loneliness is a complex and multifaceted experience, one that touches the hearts and minds of people from all walks of life. It can sneak up on us in a crowded room, linger in the quiet moments at home, and even hide behind a smile. But what exactly is loneliness, and how can we navigate its depths to find true connection?

Even the definition of loneliness is, well, lonely:

1. destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, support, etc.:

2. standing apart; isolated:

While it may be accurate, this definition doesn’t cover what lonely people are feeling. Loneliness is a subjective feeling of sadness or melancholy brought on by social isolation. It can arise from a lack of meaningful relationships or a sense of being disconnected from others, but it’s more than just the physical experience of being alone. Loneliness can also be felt in different, sometimes invisible, ways: lack of support, lack of mental or emotional stimulation, a lack of intimacy, companionship, or connection.

The feeling also does not discriminate. It affects people of all ages, genders, and backgrounds. Children, teenagers, adults, and the elderly can all experience loneliness. It can be triggered by life changes such as having a baby, moving to a new city, starting a new job, losing a loved one, or even the simple passage of time.

But these indicators aren’t the sole cause of loneliness, either. Even those who appear to have active social lives can feel lonely if their connections lack depth and authenticity. It isn’t just about being busy, active, or surrounded by people. If your soul is not fed by the interactions, you could have a revolving door of conversations and social experiences, and none of it would matter. It may sound bleak, but the answer to loneliness is actually an invitation…

The Kabbalists believed that every human has within it a soul that contains a spark of Light. According to Kabbalah, this spark inside of us is our essence, our “true self,” our soul. But to connect to it, it requires effort. When we don’t put in that effort and are disconnected from our souls, the result—no matter what our physical or social circumstances are—is loneliness.

However, I believe anything can be rethinked—including loneliness. If loneliness arises as a disconnection from our soul, the feeling itself could then be seen as an invitation back to our soul. But how do we get back to our soul? Here are a few ways:

Spend Time With You

This probably seems counterintuitive, but I’m not talking about sitting by yourself and scrolling through social media. Talk a walk, journal, or take yourself on a date. Listen to your thoughts, notice what is beautiful around you, and be aware of your emotions as they arise. Create an intimacy with yourself, even for just a few minutes a day.

Spend (Quality) Time With Others

Connection requires effort. Take the initiative to reach out to friends and family. A simple phone call, text message, or coffee invitation can rekindle relationships, sustain them, and create new ones. Remember, others may also be waiting for someone to reach out to them.

Find Your “Third Place”

Coined by the sociologist Ray Oldenburg in the 1980s, a “Third Place” refers to a physical location other than work or home. Your First Place is home, your Second Place is work (even if it’s just a Zoom room), but your Third Place is different. Your Third Place embodies a space where genuine connections flourish, a haven for sharing your ideas and aspirations.

It could be a book club, a meditation group, a class, a volunteer organization, or any kind of community that centers around something you’re interested in. Joining communities with shared interests is a fast way to foster meaningful connections and a sense of belonging.

Be Kind to Yourself

When we’re in the throes of a challenging time, the last thing we need is to be critical or judgmental toward ourselves. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a dear friend. Practice self-care and engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Self-compassion is a powerful antidote to loneliness.

Loneliness is a part of the human experience, but it doesn’t have to define us. By acknowledging our feelings, reaching out, and taking proactive steps, we can transform loneliness into an opportunity for deeper connection and personal growth. Remember, you are never truly alone. We are all connected in the tapestry of life, each thread intertwined with the others. Embrace the journey towards connection, and know that you are seen, heard, and valued. Who can you reach out to today, even just to say hello?

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The Kelly Clarkson Show

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Have You Heard of Limerence?

At this point in my life, after counseling hundreds of couples through all kinds of relationship challenges and a 26-year marriage of my own, I have a pretty expansive view of relationships. Even so, I am no expert and every so often, a new topic will arise in the realm of relating that I get to explore. One that recently caught my attention is a relational experience known as limerence.

Limerence is a term that might not be familiar to everyone, but the feelings it describes are something many of us have encountered. It is characterized by an intense, often immediate, romantic infatuation with another person that is accompanied by the emotional whirlwind we associate with new love. This phenomenon was first coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the late 1970s to describe an involuntary state of deep obsession with another individual, one that typically brings about unhealthy and damaging behaviors.

It is more than just a crush—limerence is characterized by a profound longing for reciprocation, obsessive thoughts about the person of affection, and extreme shyness or anxiety around them. Those experiencing limerence might also find themselves either elated or devastated by small interactions or perceived signs of reciprocation (or lack thereof) from the object of their affection. For someone in the throes of limerence, these feelings can seem overwhelming and uncontrollable, often leading to a distorted perception of reality where every action from the limerent object is overanalyzed for meaning.

This is a painful enough experience for a single person, but it often creeps into partnerships as well. What do we do when we, or our partners, find ourselves in this kind of destructive dynamic?

Acknowledge That What You See (And Feel) Isn’t Reality

Your feelings are real, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are reflecting reality. Acknowledge the feelings of limerence both with yourself and a trusted source like a therapist. Understanding that these emotions are part of a recognized psychological phenomenon can help in managing them more rationally. When we experience infatuation, that “can’t eat, can’t sleep” feeling that is a hallmark of limerence, our brains are flooded with a combination of dopamine and the stress hormone cortisol. Together, the two suppress serotonin levels, which brings about desperation and mood swings.

As intense as the feelings are, they will eventually pass, and what will be left are two very normal, fallible human beings—not fated, windswept characters in a cinematic love story. Limerence brings mental and emotional turmoil, while real love is positive and supportive, based on mutual respect and intimate connection.

Understand the Four Stages of Limerence

Knowing that this experience is characterized by four stages can help you, your partner, or both of you navigate the waves until they pass.

Infatuation: Attraction takes hold, and suddenly, thoughts of the limerant object begin to invade daily life to an extreme degree. Often, the limerant is seen in an idealized, overwhelmingly positive way.

Anxiety and Uncertainty: A reminder that this is not real love, the second stage is characterized by uncertainty, insecurity, and neediness.

Emotional Volatility: This stage brings mood swings, intrusive thinking, and even despair as the reality begins to set in and the infatuation inevitably fades.

Resolution: whether through rejection or choosing to end it, the intensity or overall experience of limerence will resolve. There may be feelings of sorrow or relief that follow, but any romantic feelings subside.

No matter how intense the stages seem, limerence is temporary. Unlike real love, which grows consistently over time, this experience of romantic obsession is tumultuous and has an expiration date. Even when the romantic feelings are reciprocated, studies have shown that these pairings don’t last, given that limerence itself is considered a psychological impairment.

Examine Your Relationship—Reinvest or Part Ways

Shifts and pivots are required in any long-term relationship. We are always growing, and when we grow alongside someone, we have to communicate about how our needs change as well. However, when kids, jobs, and routines get involved, it’s easy for our partnerships to take a backseat. Before we know it, a chasm of distance is created. This is why I emphasize the importance of curiosity and of nurturing your partnership with new experiences. Engaging in fun or new activities together, scheduling regular date nights, and expressing appreciation for each other can help repair and reinforce your emotional bond.

I never encourage anyone to stay in unhealthy or unfulfilling relationships. If the relationship doesn’t work to a chronic degree, it’s best to part ways so that you and your partner are free to find a new one. However, dealing with limerence in your relationship also gives you the opportunity to recommit. If your decision is to stay committed to your partner, actively work on strengthening your relationship by rebuilding trust, enhancing communication, and deepening emotional connections. It’s possible that your relationship can become even stronger as a result.

A successful relationship is a continuous process involving transformation for each person individually, for the couple together, and for the world. Relationships are forces that support not only your own spiritual path but also a shared vision of having a higher spiritual goal and greater purpose together with bringing more Light and love into the world. The mistake we make is that we think that finding love guarantees eternal bliss. Limerence is an example of being caught in this illusion—one that is based on our material experience and arises from more of an egoic place than a spiritual one. We believe that the chemical experience of an infatuation is what we’re supposed to feel all the time—and I’m here to tell you, it isn’t.

If this experience arises in your partnership, see it as the opportunity it can be to either free yourself from a relationship that isn’t working or really work to build something new with your partner—as challenging as it may be. Either way, the potential for transformation is there, and you’re bound to find more real love on the other side.

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WCBS-TV

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A Journey Through Motherhood

Allow me to begin with a disclaimer: No two mothering experiences have ever been the same. In fact, they are as unique to each parent and child as are fingerprints or snowflakes. What IS true, though, is this: Nurturing another life is a profound and transformative agent of change, both for those being nurtured and for ourselves.

In fact, I’d argue that being a mother has been the single MOST powerful growth experience of my life! And, while the highly abridged stages below are based upon my own observations as a mother to four children, aspects of this journey apply to anyone who has played the role of caretaker or nurturer.

That said, if I were to title the process of raising an 18-year-old more accurately, I’d have to call it “The 6,570 Stages of Motherhood” because every day reveals something new! But for our purposes, let’s keep it easy and settle for the six main stages most mothers go through:

1. The “Dreams of Motherhood” Stage

I dreamed a dream… of being a mom. When we’re happily expecting, we dream dreams with a new sense of purpose in the world. We imagine our children as we wish them to be: happy, healthy, and well-adjusted, bringing delight into our hearts and homes, and offering us unconditional love. They will change the world–starting with ours–in the most positive ways. This is our time for excitement, for nesting, and for envisioning who WE will become as a mother.

We are certain that we will be patient and kind and encouraging and brilliant. We will do it so much better than our parents did. We’ll be Mom of the Year, at least in our own family… right? And naturally, we’ll keep a perfect life balance and look our magazine cover-best at all times–even while feeding at 2 a.m. after days of sleep deprivation. (But we’re not thinking about all that silly stuff, are we?) The optimism is astounding.

For how can we possibly anticipate the up-and-down tidal wave of change charging our way? And soon enough, the mystical experience of birth sets it all in motion.

2. The “Reality” Stage (What? I’m a Mom? With a BABY?)

Never could we have imagined someone being so dependent on us. It’s pure bliss. AND PURE TERROR. When you realize that you are a MOTHER and that this tiny being relies on YOU for her every need, your entire self-concept is shattered–then rebuilt–in the same instant. Your baby is fragile and perfect despite the spit-up currently being spewed all over your favorite just-washed t-shirt.

And if you have a child who has special needs (as happened with our Josh), you go through yet another level of shifting (and fear). Through it all, you grow both your knowledge and your capacity not only to love but to accept and handle whatever comes your way. You swerve. You bend. You lose sleep and fall out of touch with the world for a while. The depth and breadth of your role hit you–this is for life. Always and forever.

3. The “Patience-Pushing” Stage (Because eek! Those little ones… )

The toddler years are both universally challenging and universally rewarding for our personal growth. This stage offers us the opportunity for new levels of patience, thankfully balanced with awe and delight. When our little one gains a new skill, such as standing, walking, riding a tricycle, or going down a slide, it seems a marvel right up there with quantum physics. I mean, how did that tiny, helpless bundle become this little person? And why is she screaming for more ice cream?

But in growing this little person, we feel ourselves stretch. We recognize where boundaries are needed (one of those ongoing parenting lessons) and where our level of social discomfort lies. Case in point: you know that toddler throwing a fit in a restaurant? Um, yeah, so do I. In fact, I’ve known four of them quite personally. (Okay, maybe three. Josh was much more easygoing, barring a few PT fiascos.)

We soon realize that beyond that all-consuming social decorum lies the Real. World. Of. Parenting. And sure, wiping snotty noses and serving apple juice may not qualify as the most glamorous of duties, but these acts teach us more about our humanness than any high-paying job can hope to.

4. The “Captain Mom” Stage (My, how quickly they grow!)

When our children are in elementary and even middle school, we’re like the captain of some strange expedition of quick-morphing small folk. Still the safe harbor for our young explorers’ increasing radius of activity, we feed them, drive them, host their parties, go to their sporting events, and sign them up for summer camp. We’re planners, cheerleaders, teachers, and role models. And they are watching, even when they’re not watching. Meanwhile, as they’re learning all about life and their sense of place in the world, we’re discovering our own behavioral patterns, growing our parenting toolkits, and, in managing little lives, we’re upgrading the mismanaged parts of our own.

We lean into our kids’ worlds (I mean, me? Swinging from a trapeze? Who would’ve thought!) We facilitate that first bike ride or ski hill. We cultivate a sense of family. That little tornado of a toddler finds what psychologist Erik Erikson calls a “sense of industry.” She bakes cakes, walks to school, discovers her moral compass, and acts for a cause. We, too, become more industrious. We become involved in the PTA… help with that geometry homework… volunteer for field trips. Through our child’s growing autonomy, we reconnect with ourselves a little more. We begin to remember who we are, and who we were, outside of being a mom. The fog in the mirror clears a little, even as change remains our only constant.

5. The “Pseudo Separation” Stage (Ah, teenagers…)

They’re driving, or someone they know is about to take the wheel. They’re heading out with friends, wading (or jumping) into the dating world, and maybe even spending a semester overseas. They’re practicing for that push-from-the-nest to come, but they’re not quite there. They’re still watching us (hawk-like and often with rolling eyes) while fluttering their wings. In her book Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst mused that “A normal adolescent isn’t a normal adolescent if he acts normal.” Hello, truth! They may walk and talk like adults, but the minute we decree a very sensible curfew, kiss adulthood goodbye…

Our teens challenge our thinking. They push the rules and our hot buttons. And as they find their independence, we, too, rediscover ours. We coach, we inspire, we nudge them towards the edge of the nest. At times we’re good and ready to push them over; at other times, we want to hold them here forever. We grow brave. We cry, we laugh. We let go.

6. The “Onward” Stage (Parenting our adult children)

The best we can hope for is that our children will meet the world with principles and aspirations of their own. They may be in lockstep with us–or not even close. Yet when they come back for our approval or advice or blessings, we know we’ve done our job. We can strive to provide these without smothering (it’s no accident that “mother” appears in that word!). Most of all, we can respect and love them for simply being who they are. Likewise, we can rediscover who we are and forge a new path for who we might yet become. Recently, I had the pleasure of being interviewed by my oldest son David on his podcast Success Series. Though we discussed my life and experiences, I couldn’t help but be witness to him—the infant, small child, and teenager I once knew, now grown into a thoughtful and successful adult. The Onward Stage, indeed.

Being a mother (by any definition) requires us to stretch and change over and over (and over) again.

I know that I am not the same person who dreamed those dreams for my unborn children or who feared motherhood, survived toddler tantrums, and played taxi to a gaggle of kindergartners. My children have grown (though not all have flown), and so have I. If we’re lucky, we’ll all continue to evolve, both individually and together. We will keep engaging each other. Amusing each other. Challenging each other.

As they say, Once a mother, always a mother.

That’s the one–and perhaps the only–thing that will never change. That’s the forever part, the part that transforms us from the inside out. The part that connects us with all the mothers who ever came before and with all those yet to be.

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Taurus: Leave the Plan Behind

The month of Taurus is one I appreciate, not only because Taurus loves a cozy blanket and a good cup of tea but because it actually invites us out of our comfort zones.

This steadfast earth sign values not just comfort but security and stability, and while these things are necessary for a fulfilling life, life itself is varied and full of surprises! This is why you don’t need to be born under this sign for the thought of discomfort to inspire feelings of dread. No one loves being outside of their comfort zone, but it is exactly where we will find our growth, blessings, and expansion. The New Moon in Taurus asks us to examine where and how we are living in comfort and where and how we are being asked to step out of it.

Now, when I say comfort, I don’t necessarily mean wrapping yourself in the softest clothes or luxuriating in relaxation. That type of comfort is definitely valued by a Taurus (and pretty much anyone!), but the comfort I am referring to is the comfort found in routine, predictability, and control. Taureans have a reputation for stubbornness because being flexible and taking risks means abandoning the comfort they find in knowing what’s coming, knowing the plan, and being able to anticipate any and all scenarios. While this is understandable and makes them deeply reliable, it presents them with a unique challenge: learning to see the gift in plans that go awry. I’m sure we can all recall a time when our best-laid plans went out the window, and we were left feeling frustrated, even angry.

When these moments arrive, we have two choices: marinate in all the ways we believe things should have gone or look for the gem hidden in the unexpected change of plans.

Let’s look at it this way: through the eyes of your morning routine. You wake up in the morning and can predict, more or less, exactly how it will go. You’re going to shower, get dressed, and head to work. On the way, you’re going to stop at the coffee shop, you know exactly what you’ll get, and you know you’ll have just enough time to get to the office before your morning meeting. Easy!

But wait.

The road you normally take is closed. The coffee shop ran out of what you usually order. A truck is stalled on the highway. Now you’re late. You get to the office, your usual parking spot is taken, you barely make it to the meeting, and as you arrive, you find that the CEO has dropped by the meeting. You walk in, harried, trying to compose yourself, and find that the meeting itself is already running behind schedule. On top of that, the CEO was there to apologize for being late and is having coffee ordered for everyone.

Your plan was a good one, but it wasn’t needed today. And even if the outcome wasn’t pleasantly surprising, there’s still gold in those hills. This month is all about learning to feel the frustration, acknowledging it, but then exploring why you were so attached in the first place. Wondering where you can be more flexible. Asking why you might be so afraid of not knowing, of doing something new, or taking a risk.

For clarity, I’m not saying that plans are bad or naive. They are not. However, when we become too attached and comfortable with our planning, we don’t leave room for something bigger. How can we co-create our life with the Creator when we don’t allow space for things to go differently? When we feel the need to ruminate on why things went wrong, or we lament that things shouldn’t have gone the way they did, we are placing our focus in the wrong direction. Instead, we can look at the change of course and ask, “How is this positive? What can I gain from this unexpected experience?”

Whether the answer is made clear to you or not, asking the question helps you to take your trust off your ideas of comfort and place it back with the Creator. Our fulfillment, happiness, and joy are not things that can be found in the external world. They are created in our inner world and are made manifest in the world of effect. The physical world is simply a manifestation of our thoughts, feelings, and actions. When we look to external sources for our comfort and safety—our plans, our known experiences, all of our tools for comfort— we will always be left wanting.

Growth, transformation, and even our most desired blessings cannot occur without the discomfort of change. Therefore, discomfort is a good sign that you’re aligned with your purpose. Challenges provide us with so much good information if we’re willing to look at them from all sides. A fraught interaction or conflict may give us valuable insight into someone in our life, giving us the knowledge to avert a much greater issue in the future. Being late to that meeting might have meant dodging a car accident. Not getting the job you were hoping for could be leaving space for something even better than you imagined. This is where placing total trust in the Creator and in the process of life becomes a powerful practice.

This month, when you find yourself angry that things didn’t go your way or you feel like a victim of cruel circumstances, take a breath. Bring your awareness to the present and remember that it is happening for a positive reason, even though you may not be able to see it yet. Use the opportunity to connect more deeply to certainty and remain open to the growth, the possibility, and the chance to learn something new. In so doing, an even more authentic version of you and your life can begin to emerge. All the blessings trying to come down might finally have a place to rest, right among the ruins of your best-laid plans.

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