Monica Berg's Blog, page 18

KUTV-TV Fresh Living

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Showing Up, Even When We Don’t Know How

How do you serve a friend in despair?

That was the title of an opinion piece I read in the New York Times earlier this year. It was written by columnist David Brooks, and it recounted—painfully and poignantly—the experience he had watching his childhood friend struggle through severe depression, a disease that resulted in him losing his life to suicide. The hallmark of this time period for him was the experience he had of not knowing how to be there for his friend who was suffering. He struggled to find the right words, to find the correct approach of support, and was bewildered by the sense of impotence this caused him. He wanted so desperately to help, so why couldn’t he?

After his friend’s death, a mutual friend of theirs wrote to him, and this passage from that letter has stayed with me:

“True friendship offers deep satisfaction, but it also imposes vulnerabilities and obligations, and to pretend it doesn’t is to devalue friendship.”

As I contemplate this and even as I write this blog now, I have many friends who are suffering unimaginable pain in the face of senseless tragedy. While it isn’t the same as watching a friend slowly succumb to mental illness, it feels just as impossible. How do we go about caring for each other when we have no idea how to do it? When the darkness they are facing is one that is unprecedented for us both? It’s easy to do what David Brooks eventually defaulted to: acting as though everything will be okay in hopes that it will inspire the other person to see that it’s going to be okay, too. There’s merit in that, and yet, it isn’t supportive. He’s a good person, he’s incredibly thoughtful, and he wants to be there for his friend, but it actually ends up—as it does for so many of us—being within the context of what we would want.

It makes sense, right? We imagine what we would want if we were struggling, and we give that. Sometimes, this can be good and can be very supportive, especially if we have been through a similar experience. But more often than not, it is not the best way to be a friend. And in the face of the tremendous challenges that so many in our community are facing—friends and family alike—how do we do this?

The answer is empathy and radical vulnerability.

Almost 15 years ago, Brene Brown took to the TED stage to share about vulnerability, and this talk has since been viewed over 20 million times. It is #5 on the top ten list of the most viewed TED Talks of all time. She also gave a talk on the power of empathy and how vulnerability is a necessary piece of being able to empathize. This talk—which has been turned into a very comforting animated conversation between a bear and a gazelle—has also been viewed over 20 million times. I point out the popularity of these videos because real vulnerability and real empathy are something so many of us fear to varying degrees, but judging by the view counts on two videos pertaining to these very topics, we want to be. And I think it begins by acknowledging our desire to really show up for our friends who are hurting.

Next, we have to also acknowledge the vulnerability required to do this. In that same video, Brene points out that to really empathize with someone, we have to connect to a part of ourselves that understands pain. That understands fear and loss and grief. This is difficult for all of us, but it is essential if we want to really hold space for our friends who are suffering—even if what they are going through is something that we have no context for. We have to try.

Which brings me to the final piece: releasing the fear of getting it wrong. I remember in the wake of giving birth to my son Josh, I began to isolate myself because anytime I was around others, I could feel them not knowing what to do. It made me feel different and awkward, and while they meant well—they didn’t want to do or say the wrong thing—it amounted to me feeling even less supported. It wasn’t until a conversation with a new acquaintance who eventually became one of my best friends that this shifted. She listened to me fully during a conversation without putting any of her own feelings on me about the situation. No pity, no apologies. She just held space.

I realized that all I needed was to be heard and fully seen in my experience. I didn’t need anyone to solve it because, ultimately, there was nothing to solve. Yet, when we see someone we love struggling, all we want is to solve it. We want to fix it. And that desire, as well-meaning as it is, is a form of fear. Challenging this fear means stepping into the most vulnerable area for all of us: the acceptance that we can’t save our loved ones from pain, we can only stand beside them, we can hold their hand, and we can be brave enough to simply witness, to listen, and to see them in their experience without trying to make it better or different.

Friendship is power for us. Friendship is partners, it is husbands, it is wives, it is community. If we can all push ourselves even more in times when a friend is going through a difficult time, especially now during this moment of crisis, our lives will be better for it, and even more than that, the world will be better for it.

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The Eating Disorder Therapist Podcast

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We Are the Sum of Our Parts

I have experienced much grief over the last week, as I know so many of us have. There have been other emotions, too—anger at the horrific acts of violence and terrorism, heartbreak for the lives that ended too soon, and fear about what the future holds.

What has stayed, though, is grief. Grief for those in unimaginable pain. Grief for those who have lost children, parents, partners, and neighbors.

Grief is profound and powerful, and it can seize you entirely, leaving you gasping for air. It has the uncanny ability to halt us in our tracks, reshaping the very landscape of our lives, both in an instant and over long stretches of time.

What I also know to be true about grief is that it is always in direct proportion to how powerfully we love. It is a testament to the immense love we have for our families, our friends, and our communities. For humankind.

Grief strips everything away, leaving us with only what is essential. It teaches us that we can love even when our hearts are broken, that we can be filled with gratitude, and that we can still be hopeful for and participate in creating a better future while simultaneously honoring and experiencing our deepest feelings of loss.

We’re living in a time in which the world feels unsafe and divided—we are witnessing unimaginable atrocities on a daily basis. It might be a new idea to some that the health of a nation truly relies on the health of its people, but this is an ancient principle confirmed by sociological and anthropological studies. The human race has survived, thrived, and evolved solely because of the way humans—even ancient ones—cared for each other. Especially those in need.

Anthropologist Margaret Mead was once asked what she considered to be the first evidence of human civilization. While many thought she would cite the evidence of tools, remains of religious artifacts or practices, or even signs of self-governance, her answer was nothing of the sort. Mead said the first evidence of civilization was a human thigh bone with a healed fracture found at a 15,000-year-old archaeological site.

A broken bone that healed? What does that have to do with civilization?

Mead continued, saying that for a primitive person to survive a broken femur bone, they would have had to have been cared for over a long period for the bone to heal fully. This means that others must have provided shelter, protection, food, and drink over an extended period of time for this kind of healing to be possible. Thus, Mead, one of the most notable anthropologists in history, declared that the first indication of human civilization is “care over time.” And care not just for anyone but for one who is broken and in need, for the weakest among us—as evidenced by that fractured thigh bone that healed.

We can no longer only think about ourselves or our families because we simply cannot.

We are only as strong as the weakest among us. We are only as healthy as the sickest among us. And by caring for those in need, we strengthen ourselves in the process. The teachings of Kabbalah share that there is no separation on a spiritual level between people. We are all innately and energetically connected. The idea of separateness comes from the ego. In Kabbalah, ego is explained as the desire to receive for the self alone. We break this negative cycle whenever we choose to share, love, give, and offer kindness in radical ways, especially when it is most difficult.

Care for each other.

Care even when you don’t want to, offer it when you resist it or are even afraid of giving it. Care for those you judge as undeserving, care for those you love, and care for everyone every time you have the opportunity to do so. It doesn’t just make us kind or generous—it makes us civilized.

As we navigate this uncertain time, I invite you to lean even deeper into your humanity. Notice how each day you are given opportunities to care for others and notice how often you shy away from that chance. Let us all ask ourselves how we can offer and share even more. How can we allow this time to redefine how we relate to each other? What can this experience teach us? What ways of being can we leave behind, and what new ways of relating can we take with us?

That’s the kind of world I want to live in.

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Good Day Seattle

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Welcome to Right Now

In the 1950s, a social psychologist named Leon Festinger developed something called social comparison theory. The idea behind it was, in essence, that humans look to comparisons with others in order to develop an identity. Human beings are intrinsically wired for connection, and comparing ourselves to those around us helps us to form attachments and acceptance. But fast forward fifty or so years to the advent of social media, and what once was a natural impulse to connect is now a full-blown mental health crisis. We escape into our screens and look at the curated photos of other people’s lives, imagining how much happier we’d be if we had that kitchen, that haircut, that vacation…

Social comparison is just one example of the myriad distractions that pull us out of the present—and away from ourselves—on any given day. Modern life not only moves at an impossible pace but is chock full of infinite stimuli, seemingly geared at solving every one of our problems with a quick fix. But it’s a bottomless pit of seeking, a vicious cycle that always leads back to the same place: You. Right here and right now.

But if we set down the phone, if we step away from our desk, if we put our calendar away for a moment, what happens? Try for a moment to just breathe. Let your surroundings pulse and make noise, and let it all be okay. Feel your legs, your shoulders, your fingertips. If judgment comes up, allow and release it. If your mind is jumping to the past or the future or a zig-zag of both, simply let it without attaching to any thought.

Welcome to Right Now.

At any given moment, we’re in the midst of Right Now. For centuries, philosophers, neuroscientists, psychologists, and physicists have been dwelling on this phenomenon because of how powerful the experience is—we can never leave it. Yet, we’re rarely in it unless we have an intention to be. The exercise above is designed to bring you right to where you are, and you may have noticed that in the Right Now, everything feels… okay. It may not be perfect; there may be emotions and judgments, but there will also be access to stillness and an ability to center ourselves amid chaos.

At any given time, there are two streams of consciousness within us. The first is the stream that is focused solely on us—it is about everything we lack, everything that others have that we don’t (ahem, social comparison), it contains our self-centered goals and the parts of us that strive and compete, pain over the past or fearful of the future. The other is a stream of Oneness—this is where we contemplate our purpose, where we feel present, and where we connect with the certainty that the Light is always with us even when we don’t see it.

When we practice present-moment thinking, we become aware of which stream we are choosing, and by shifting our consciousness, we literally shift our reality. Here are a few ways to do it:

Let Yourself Luxuriate

So often, we catch ourselves weighing our present against the past or future. If we sit down with a cup of coffee in the morning and are ruminating on what happened yesterday or are already thinking about where we’re headed next in our day, we aren’t checking our awareness. Instead, take a moment to try savoring the coffee; enjoy it. Feel the sunshine on your face or the temperature of the air on your skin. Smell the coffee and feel its warmth (or chill if you take yours iced!)

When you bring your senses and attention fully to what you are doing now, you are bound to feel greater levels of joy and contentment, mainly because worry and stress involve thoughts of either the past or the future. Without them, you’re free to experience what’s in front of you entirely, and you’ll discover that reality becomes much more positive.

Practice Acceptance

It’s true that as we become present, we become present to everything, and sometimes, that means confronting feelings of discomfort or even pain. This is why Stephen Haynes, a psychologist at the University of Nevada, says that if something bothers you, move toward it instead of distracting yourself. Whether it’s the pain of heartbreak or the aches that come while healing from surgery, the solution is to simply allow it. Get present, notice the pain, honor that it’s there, and let it be okay. Let it exist without judgment, guilt, or shame.

Our thoughts are powerful, but only when we give them meaning. By watching our thoughts as we process uncomfortable things, we are better able to choose which thoughts we want to magnify and which we want to gently release.

Start Small

Being in the present and practicing mindfulness is wonderful—but it’s tough to do all the time. Start small by setting aside 1 minute of presence for what’s widely known as the “Five Senses Exercise.” All you have to do is list five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This exercise turns us into a keen observer, the state of mind necessary for presence. Using the five senses (sound, smell, sight, taste, and touch) to ground yourself in the present moment can not only enhance your experiences of the world around you, but it also adds a layer of appreciation for your ability to utilize those senses!

The now has no goals. Goals are about the future. Instead, focus on Now exactly as it is, on your breath, your feet, and your thoughts as they arise. For this small slice of time, forget about any destination because there isn’t one. You’re already here. It’s happening right now…

Consciousness governs everything that happens in the world and in our lives. The way we choose to observe any given thing is the way we will then experience it. We create our reality through our consciousness. And we can choose consciousness right now, right here, in the present moment.

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Sitting Next to the Creator

Kabbalistic holidays are cosmic windows of time when specific energies become available to ust. One such window in time is Yom Kippur, which we welcome this Sunday, the 10th of Libra.

The opportunity for us on Yom Kippur is to experience expansive degrees of joy, fulfillment, and peace. To feel an awestruck sense of goodness and appreciation. It seems counterintuitive given the way we observe Yom Kippur. We don’t eat or drink, we refrain from bathing, and abstain from many other daily comforts creating an atmosphere of more discomfort than joy. And this is precisely where the transformative work of Yom Kippur begins. By disconnecting from the physical world, our connection to the spiritual world is deepened and unhindered.

The Arvei Nachal says that on Yom Kippur, we sit next to the Creator as he looks through each day from the past year and makes an account.

Let’s look at the first part of that sentence: “Sit next to the Creator.” Can you imagine what you would say? What would be worthy of asking? I have thought about this question, and I would hope that sitting next to the Creator, I would say the following:

“I know there is a lot I want to accomplish in this world that I haven’t. I know that I need to transform my desire to Receive for the Self Alone to one of sharing. Give me strength and assistance to completely transform so I can accomplish what I came to this world to do.”

The second half of that sentence is a bit more ominous: “as he looks through each day from the past year and makes an account.”

Most of us would rather not have the Creator see some of our worst behavior from the past year. In the face of the moments we’re least proud of, we might think, surely the Creator will also take into account our positive moments and good actions, right? Not exactly how it works, I’m afraid. The hours you spent sharing and connecting to the Light are not what matters. The Creator counts only the seconds that we are able to elevate ourselves up from chaos in our most difficult times. Those are the most important moments of any day.

This is, of course, not meant to frighten anyone and it isn’t about judging ourselves harshly. Quite the opposite, in fact. The great Kabbalist, the Ba’al Shem Tov, said something very simple on this topic. Any thought that you have, any self-assessment that you are undertaking, there is one clear way to know whether it is coming from a good place or a bad place, from the right place or the wrong place and it’s very simple: Does it propel you into action or does it cause you to step back? Does it depress you or does it excite you? When we talk about sitting beside the Creator and looking back on our year, we want that examination to be inspiring, we want it to lead toward growth.

It reminds me of a story I love about Jim Carrey. Many years ago he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey on her show.He told her a story about the early days of his career and how many challenges he faced—he struggled with depression, homelessness, and intense financial hardships. He was barely scraping by. It would have been incredibly easy—maybe even advisable!—to give up on his dream of becoming an actor. But he didn’t. Instead of succumbing to his circumstances of lack and seeming limitation, he would consciously visualize all the things he wanted. He would connect to those feelings of joy and positivity even in the midst of circumstances that painted a very opposite picture. This empowered him to continue.

He took this practice one step further and wrote himself a check for $10 million for “acting services rendered” to be paid on Thanksgiving three years from the date he wrote it. He carried it around in his wallet every day, and it became tattered and worn, but it gave him the constant reminder. A reminder that success was on its way. Three years went by, and as Thanksgiving rolled around he learned that he would be making $10 million on a film called Dumb and Dumber. And as we all know, he’s been bringing laughter to the lives of millions ever since.

We have the ability to elevate ourselves in every moment, through any challenge. When we do this we are bringing Light out of darkness and, if in one year’s time, a person has elevated 24 hours of Light then that person is considered righteous. The work of elevating isn’t easy, nor should it be. It is designed to help us grow and transform. The promise of this work is true fulfillment. When we are truly fulfilled we can then share our abundance and Light with others in deeply profound ways.

Our goal is to bring Light in abundance not only for ourselves but our family, and the world and Yom Kippur gives us a powerful chance to do exactly that. The Arvei Nachal adds that “worthy are we if, every day, we have a few minutes that are true work.” This true work looks like fighting against obstacles that would stop us from fulfilling our purpose. Pushing ourselves when we don’t want to, transforming judgment to mercy, and not being reactive to difficult circumstances. These are the keys to drawing down the blessings available to us on Yom Kippur—to bring Light in abundance even in the midst of discomfort.

As you observe Yom Kippur, give yourself permission to feel joy, fulfillment, and peace to the highest degree, no matter where you are. Now matter your circumstances or discomforts. Know with certainty that as you draw down the Light into your life, you do so for everyone around you.

Gamar Chatima Tova
Blessings for your year

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WTMJ-TV Morning Blend

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In a Word, Kindness

Tomorrow we welcome Rosh Hashanah and with it the beginning of a new year. At this time, the potential we have to create or re-create our own lives is at its peak. Rosh Hashanah, or “the head of the year,” falls on the first day in the month of Libra. The gift of Libra is balance, justice, and harmony and throughout this month we benefit from seeing all sides of ourselves, of others, and of situations with clear and compassionate eyes.

Who doesn’t want more harmony and balance?

Kabbalah is different from many other spiritual studies in that Kabbalah is a verb. It means “to receive,” but being receptive is no easy feat. Receiving is not passive, it is something we have to choose and we only receive to the degree that we choose to receive. For example, anyone reading this woke up this morning and that is a blessing. But did everyone reading this really receive that blessing? To receive we have to be aware, to acknowledge the blessings around us, and to feel the joy and wellbeing that come with that. We have to be an active participant in receiving and often that involves embracing one my favorite things: change.

If there is something in your life you do not like, you have all the power to change it. I should be clear here I’m speaking less about the thing that changes and more about what changes within you. Just like the change that happens when instead of begrudgingly snoozing your morning alarm, you wake up consciously aware not only of the blessing of another day but with excitement about the positive impact you can make. This creates a shift from desiring for the self alone to desiring to be like the Creator, desiring to receive in order to share.

When we are led by this kind of desire, we can create our reality anew beyond what we ever thought possible. “How do I do that?” You might ask. Good news! It can be summed up in one word.

Kindness.

Putting this word into daily action is the swiftest path to transformation available to us. It is a magic wand, it is connective tissue, a healing and inspiring power like no other. The kabbalists even say that consistent kindness is the surest way to achieve everything you ever wanted.

A few years ago I injured my foot and I was admittedly struggling with getting into the right headspace for the surgery I needed. I was in the weeds, as the saying goes. I like that turn of phrase and for those who haven’t heard the expression, it essentially means to be immersed or entangled in details or complexities. One day, leaving the gym after doing an ankle-friendly work-out, one of my friends asked me about my prognosis.

I responded, telling her about the impending surgery—the one that had me in the mental weeds! Enthusiastically, she exclaimed “WOW! They can fix it! That is incredible, I’m so happy for you.”

How many of us would have responded with joy over hearing that someone requires surgery? I think the usual response is gentle concern or even condolences. But in this case, she shared genuine joy that my injury could be fixed and what’s more, it entirely shifted my perspective. “Right! It can be fixed! That is pretty incredible.” And just with a few simple words of kindness, everything shifted for me.

That is the transformative power of kindness. My husband Michael shares that “when you act with kindness and charity of spirit towards others, then the blessings of… kindness, come to you; as we behave in our thoughts, actions, and words towards other people is how the Creator behaves towards us, and is the type of Light and energy that we draw to ourselves.” When we act with kindness, we are aligned with the Light, the very place from which all desires are manifest.

Just as my gym friend offered a kindness that shifted my perspective so thoroughly, I was reminded of the power of my own kindness. One kind word from me could be all it takes to encourage a person to take the plunge, be courageous, or pursue a dream that terrifies them. We all have the opportunity to change someone else’s life every single day, and sometimes only with a few words.

During Rosh Hashanah we have an opportunity to get really clear about what we want to call into our lives. However, it is just as important to think about who we are being on the way to fulfilling our desires. Can we manifest success without kindness? Sure we can. But will it bring us the fulfillment and joy that we are actually seeking? Absolutely not. It is through kindness that we become an active participant in the manifestation of our best life. Kindness is a creative force because it, very literally, changes us… and those around us.

Desire is a gift from the Creator and as you reflect on your desires for the upcoming year, tie them closely to the kindness within your heart. For the next 365 days, when you have the opportunity to be kind, be kind. When you have the opportunity to give, give. Share your kindness every chance you get, even and especially when you don’t want to share it. Make kindness a fierce practice every day and watch as your desires arrive in the most unexpected and powerful ways.

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New York Living

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