Monica Berg's Blog, page 19

Optimism: A Cure for the August Blues

With the summer months coming to an end and the return of school, responsibilities, and a decidedly less vacation-oriented calendar, things can feel a little blue. The end-of-summer blues can feel like a real thing, and experiencing anxiety and depression is pretty common in August, according to Stephen Ferrando, director of psychiatry at Westchester Medical Center. Ferrando says, “August blues are sort of like the Sunday night blues… for a month.”

I personally welcome the fall months, as many others do, but can easily understand where the gloom can come from—back to school preparation, saying goodbye to vacation, which for some may be saying hello to stress, and the imminent holiday season can certainly fuel overwhelming thoughts that even the most delicious pumpkin spice latte can’t penetrate. Yet, when we find ourselves in a transition, seasonal or otherwise, we have the opportunity to fire up the power of our optimism and challenge ourselves to see it another way.

Optimism is defined as “a hopefulness and confidence about the future or a successful outcome of something.” By this very definition, optimism is about cultivating something that hasn’t arrived yet, imagining and believing in positive possibilities.

The kabbalists teach that joy is an inside job and that choosing joy in times when we feel lack is the most potent transformation available to us. This is optimism in action!

I recently learned of an artist named Lonnie Holley. Lonnie was one of 27 children born during the Jim Crow era, and some of his first jobs were picking up trash, washing dishes, and digging graves. Throughout his challenging experiences, he learned to see real beauty in found objects and now creates tremendous sculptures and pieces of art entirely out of discarded material. He sees the possibilities inherent in items that others would call “trash” and turns them into deeply meaningful and beautiful pieces of art.

It’s an inspiring example of optimism—of taking something that might otherwise be judged as “bad” and using our inner spark to “see” something inspiring in the supposed negativity. Think of it this way, if summer is really our special time, how can we live like we do during the summer all year round? Our joy, curiosity, and relaxation shouldn’t be reserved for two months a year, and they don’t have to be!

When we shift our consciousness to optimism, we become creative, and in this creativity, we are better able to give of ourselves and our light. When we do, we experience blessings that are meant for us, which increase our joy and inspire us to live in this space continuously—the very space where we live our most fulfilled, joyous, and radiant lives.

If the turning of the seasons is enough to knock us out of creative optimism, then it stands to reason that we can find our way back just as simply. It may require effort, but as we can learn from Lonnie, optimism and effort are all it takes to create beauty. Here are a few ways to support yourself through your August Blues or any moments of gloom that come your way:

Create an Optimism Picture

Set aside 15 minutes and envision the best possible circumstances in your future. Consider your goals and dreams, the things you hope to happen, and the way you hope to feel. Write it all down, and when you’re done, imagine that it all works out just as you hoped (and maybe even better!) Spend another five minutes imagining this best possible future as vividly as you can and bring your awareness to what you’re feeling. It will not only improve your overall mood but your perspective as well—you may even be surprised by what comes up.

Put Away the To-Do List

Building on feeling versus doing, set down the To-Do List and examine your To-Be List. Every evening, rather than thinking of what needs to be done the next day, focus instead on who you want to be the next day. Do you want to feel energized and bright? Do you want to feel confident, like you can take it all on easily and effortlessly? Whatever it is, really feel those feelings and take them into tomorrow. Your mood, and to-do list, will both feel less heavy.

Give Yourself Permission to Feel Good

Thich Nhat Hanh said, “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.” Happiness and joy are choices, and sometimes when we find ourselves in discouraging moments, we feel powerless. When you feel the gloom set in, allow yourself to find joy even in that space. A great practice is to take a deep breath, smile to yourself, and see what appears in your mind. I can almost guarantee that it will be something you’re grateful for—that brings you joy right here and now.

Whether it is the end-of-summer blues or any time of sadness or change, joy is available to us, and optimism is one of many tools to get us there. It is a state of being that says good things can and will happen. My mother-in-law Karen Berg summed it up beautifully:

“To live with joy is to see the Light, even in our darkness. It is to know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that even in the depths of our despair or the throes of a most difficult moment, the universe is somehow rearranging things so that I can be led to a better way of life. In short, joy is what happens when we have certainty that the Light is everywhere–in every circumstance and every human being.”

See the waning sunlight of August as a welcome change, an invitation to practice and to live with joy. Before you know it, you’ll see the Light everywhere.

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To Be a Leader, Be Like the Light

What does it mean to “be like the light”? This is one of the most fundamental ideas and aspirations in Kabbalah. My great teacher and father-in-law, Rav Berg, used to joke and say he was “the most selfish person in the world.” Why? As he put it, “Because I know that the only way I can receive more Light is by sharing more and more with everyone else–and therefore, I spend my life sharing.” And that’s precisely what he did (which is one key reason why he was such a great leader!). He behaved like the Light and influenced thousands, even millions, while basking in the glow he created.

Yet all too often, we cling to that misaligned notion that leadership somehow equates to being in charge. To wield power over others. We may even think leading will score us image-boosting extras, such as respect, mansions, and shiny, pretty things. And sure, in some cases, leadership may inspire honors or even monetary gain, but that’s not the soul or the spirit of leadership AT. ALL. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Authentic leadership isn’t about getting, being recognized, or stepping up on a stage. It IS about service. It’s about connecting. And lifting. And illuminating the best in others.

In other words, true leadership really IS about being more like the light–and the greater Light (as in the Light of the Creator!).

We can understand this more by exploring the qualities of light from a scientific perspective. Aside from traveling at a whopping 186k miles per second, light shows some other fascinating characteristics we can learn from as we set out to lead the way. Here are a few:

1) Light shares generously.

Light neither withholds nor discriminates. It doesn’t stop in the middle of, say, a room and decide NOT to light up that table. While some surfaces or colors may absorb or reflect it more readily, the light shines unabashedly on everything.

Great leadership doesn’t pick and choose where or upon whom to shine. Sometimes we’re asked to lead through challenges. Or to pilot those who try to kick or scream (whether literally, as in parenting, or figuratively). Sometimes, a leader has to throw off the shade and shine on, circumstances aside. Both the Rav and my mother-in-law Karen faced major criticism when they first embarked on their quest to bring kabbalah out to the world. Yet they soldiered on (thankfully), and now we all have access to great wisdom and Light, which will continue to benefit the future!

2) Light has a definitive source, yet it also reflects and refracts.

Light always has a source. To be a leader, we need to get to our own essence–to know ourselves first. That’s why self-interest and personal growth are necessary! We have to turn up our own wattage if we’re to become a beacon for others–in whatever ways, big or small.

And once we do, we gain the ability to affect change in the world. Just as the sun reflects the moon, a true leader helps others shine, too. Rabbi Jonathan Sacks wrote how leadership begins with a willingness to take responsibility. This means standing up for what we believe is right and being willing to act both as an individual and as part of the whole. Look at a pointillistic painting, such as one by Georges Seurat, and notice how all the tiny dots create the gestalt. And each point is integral to that completeness!

When light hits a translucent surface, such as a prism, it can bend, spread out, or break into rainbow colors. Likewise, a great leader knows that we are all learning from one another at every moment. Sometimes, great wisdom can be gained from those being led… or from children, animals, or the natural world. Differing views, like prisms, bring a spectrum of color and texture to our lives and can help us spread that unique light in new ways. We need only remain open to them!

3) Light has more than one identity.

Light is both a wave and a particle. It can be measured by wavelength and luminosity, yet it’s also measured in units of electromagnetic energy, or photons.

Similarly, leaders are both unique individuals and a part of something larger. Transformative leaders are just as comfortable on the front lines as they are in the spotlight. That’s because they deeply understand and recognize the humanity in everyone. They choose to connect with their teams in meaningful ways. For example, Warren Buffet has been known to share the same sandwich and Cherry Coke combo with a class of wide-eyed students as he does with Bill Gates.

A great leader understands that we are all equally valuable constituents of the same Light. At this place, there is no “my Light” or “your Light.” There is only the One–so when you shine, I shine, too!

4) Light is transformative.

Light changes things. It creates heat. It helps grow grasses and flowers and redwood trees through photosynthesis. The light from our sun makes every life on this planet possible.

So, to be more light-like, let’s embrace our capacity for transformation! We can expand ourselves consciously at every moment of every day. How? Oh, the possibilities are everywhere! We can read more. Travel more. Study leaders we admire. Push ourselves in new ways (see my 30 Days of Virgo Challenge for suggestions). The point is to be open to growth, which will, in turn, inspire others to grow as well.

5) Light’s influence knows no limits.

In 2022, NASA’s Hubble Telescope spotted the most distant star found to date. Nicknamed Earendel, its light took approximately 28 BILLION years to reach Earth!

While eons are hard to predict, we can say with certainty that a true leader’s reach doesn’t stop when he or she is gone. So much of our experience is built upon the leadership of others. Be it a person, an object, an organization, or a sweeping social movement, it came from the action of one who stepped up to make it happen–one who likely considered not just today, but also the months, years, and decades to come. Like the candle that lights ten other candles–each of which might light ten more, we never know how far our reach may go.

The bottom line? To be a true leader in any area of your life–be it for one person or ten million–practice connecting with and emulating the Light!

Because who knows? Maybe one day, in some faraway place or time, someone will think or say or act in a way that was touched by your influence.

And at that moment, like a distant star beaming across the Universe, you will be right there with them.

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Fresh Living

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Virgo: It’s a Matter of Perspective

Rav Berg once mused at how “a Virgo’s view of the world may be reduced to a grain of sand when the entire beach should be taken into account.” Every year as we enter the month of Elul, I can almost hear him saying that. And, as a true-blue Virgo, I can attest to the truth of that statement!

Each month in the Lunar calendar brings a unique energy we can all tap into, no matter what our sun sign. The energy of Virgo lends itself to details. Focus. Precision. Like most traits, this ability can be both a strength and a challenge. It all depends on how we direct our energies this month!

On the plus side, Virgo’s eagle eye for detail makes them a supremely perceptive and organized sign. They can become excellent surgeons, editors, and leaders. They are able to zero in on a problem or situation that others may overlook and quickly see what needs to change. This is a great month to see what needs to be done and make it happen! That Virgo energy will help you mend, revamp, and align your life in new ways.

On the other hand, that highly observant Virgo nature can hedge into controlling or critical tendencies, which can lead to bruised egos or hurt feelings in others. Virgos aren’t always the most empathetic on the outside, but they are often very kind-hearted when it matters most. And, while their perfectionism can come off like a fortress of confidence, the target of their most critical eye is often set squarely on themselves.

Just remember, Virgos have a slight tendency to fixate on the details. So if you find yourself down that particular rabbit hole, keep in mind the fact that there’s a whole world out there! Have you heard the old adage ‘couldn’t see the forest for the trees’? Well, some people are forest people (big picture), some people are detail oriented (tree people), and Virgos are more like leaf people. Seeing the proverbial leaves on the tree is a gift that most people can’t access! Just remember to zoom out and see the forest from time to time.

One exercise I often use to help with this is called the 10-10-10 approach, developed by author Suzy Welch.

It works like this: When faced with a decision or challenge, ask yourself these three questions:

What will the consequences of this decision be in 10 minutes? How about in 10 months? And, finally, in 10 years?

Voilà! Instant perspective. This exercise takes your grain-of-sand focus and widens it so that you can perceive not only this beach, but the next one over, too.

The practice has helped the author through major decisions (such as a divorce) and minor dilemmas as well. An example she shared in O Magazine involved a request to lead a Saturday meeting for her company’s executives. Unfortunately, the meeting would conflict with her son’s hard-earned junior black belt test in karate.

By applying the 10-10-10 technique, she knew that, in 10 minutes, either her boss or her son would be disappointed. In her son’s case, tears were highly likely. In 10 months, she thought, the disappointment would likely have been buried on both sides–after her many apologetic and loving gestures.

But in 10 years, things looked different. She wrote, “My kids would be gone and my career [would be] at full throttle, whether I had gotten one promotion or not. But on some visceral level, my son would still know that I had chosen to miss one of the seminal events of his life for my own advancement. That was damage I could never undo.” So… she skipped off to her son’s big moment and never looked back!

Looking at the long view makes a difference. And beyond our own expanded perspective, it’s also helpful to remember an even grander angle–that infinite, Universal aspect. By whatever name, there’s a divine unity that encompasses every beach, forest, and moment in our lives. Carl Sagan wrote, “The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena.” Remembering this keeps us humble! It reminds us that, no matter what challenges we face, the sun will still rise and set, and time and life will continue to move forward. From that expansive outlook, we can be certain that there’s always a greater reason for every fall of a leaf or turn of a stone. It’s never all about me–but it IS all (and always) just as it should be!

So, as we head into Virgo and our spiritual preparation for the New Year, we have the tools both to perceive the details AND to step back and take a fuller view of our lives. Ruled by the planet Mercury–the planet of communication and self-understanding, this month is the perfect time to let go of any past hurts or grudges, which can impede our progress like the sand that gets caught in our shoe.

As Taylor Swift sings, just “shake it off,” and keep that X-ray focus on all the ways you can usher in more order, Light, and positive change for yourself and the world!

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Don’t Foster the Imposter (Syndrome)!

Along my journey with The Kabbalah Centre, I’ve had the privilege of connecting with people from across the globe and in most every profession you can think of. I’ve met confident, fulfilled people living their best lives without fancy jobs or expensive homes. I’ve met others who seem to have it all at first glance–but who suffer from anxiety and insecurity. Interestingly, sometimes the top achievers (by the world’s measure) are, in fact, the least certain about why or how they have what they have. They may feel like they don’t deserve their success. Or they may believe that they’ve robbed others to get where they are. They may even believe they are fooling everyone around them, and that at any moment, someone will tear off the veneer, and they’ll be exposed as (gasp!) just. Plain. Ordinary.

And that, my friends, is imposter syndrome.

The idea was first introduced in 1978 by psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes when their article, “The Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women,” was published in a psychotherapy journal. In it, they shared research showing how common feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt were among high-achieving women, despite their accomplishments. From a social evolution standpoint, this isn’t surprising.

Yet imposter syndrome isn’t just a factor of the times. Nor is it relegated to women or outliers who may have external pressures that lead to this feeling of inadequacy. If we’re being honest, most of us have experienced something like this phenomenon at some time in our lives.

It makes sense that we might berate ourselves when the chips are down (though this is far from productive or warranted since mistakes always help us grow!). But it’s interesting to note that tendency towards negative self-talk when things go well, too. Those demeaning thoughts may waltz in and tell us that we just “got lucky” when we got that promotion–and not because we had the skills and the work ethic to earn it.

So many famous people have expressed versions of the same feelings. In an interview with NPR, Academy Award Winning actor Tom Hanks shared that he’s found himself thinking, “How did I get here? When are they going to discover that I am, in fact, a fraud and take everything away from me?” Likewise, Cheryl Sandberg, philanthropist and former COO of Meta (formerly Facebook), wrote, “Every time I didn’t embarrass myself–or even excelled–I believed that I had fooled everyone yet again. One day soon, the jig would be up.”

Where does this thinking come from? And how do we contend with the hijacker of our confidence and self-worth when it arises? According to Michele Molitor, author of Breakthrough Healing and expert on imposter syndrome, the answer is complicated. Imposter syndrome can result from any number of life circumstances. Often, she says, it stems from our early environment. She explains how, if you faced negativity or criticism as a child, “that gets caught in your subconscious program.” As a result, you may have deeply ingrained feelings that “I’m not good enough. I’m not worthy… I don’t deserve this, that, or the other thing…” Other factors may include failed relationships or jobs, feelings of not belonging, or social pressures. Overcoming them isn’t easy, but knowing they exist is a great starting point. And ultimately, the best way to move through them and past them is through conscious effort and action!

Molitor also details the many “faces” people use to mask, rather than deal with, imposter syndrome. Maybe we become perfectionists so that we’ll be perceived as good enough. Or we pose as Superwomen and work 80 hours a week to show that, haggardness aside, we ARE worth it. Or perhaps we act like know-it-alls because, Hey, if I know everything, then I’ll look like I’m the real deal!–and so on.

The thing is, as Kabbalah teaches, we aren’t here to be the smartest. Or to work ourselves to the bone. Or to be the most perfectly perfect person possible. We’re here to be ourselves–and not just “sort of” ourselves, but to be in the fullness of our most actualized, sparkly, fully impassioned selves!

We don’t have to adopt the labels others have put on us, or even those we put on ourselves. Coming from a family where I am one of three sisters, I know too well how labels can tangle up identities, as in, She’s the pretty one… and there’s the smart one… and that one’s the troublemaker. And we’re guilty, too, when we venture out and drop labels like Post-it Notes on people we meet. We think, She’s the boss…. must be super together. Or He’s the janitor… without an inkling of his expert musicianship. Doing this feeds the notion that labels define us. And it excuses us to also hold on to those we’ve placed on ourselves.

So how do we tackle imposter syndrome? Here are a few starting points:

1) Remove the labels from yourself and others. That puts the power back into each person in the present moment. We are each whole, 360-degree people. Remember that. And believe it.

2) Spend some time exploring what really matters to you. Rather than seeking external validation or fixating on the critical voices of the past, listen to your own inner voice. Meditate. Go for a long walk. What is true and important to you NOW? Write down the beliefs that you WANT to have for yourself. Let your answers create a new voice to play on repeat through your mind!

3) Take ACTION. Take action today, and take more tomorrow. Break out of those self-imposed shackles and DARE to go for the things you truly want in life! Don’t just step; overstep! Don’t just move a little; move a lot–and move towards those dreams.

4) More than anything, never underestimate your own power to grow, to become, and to achieve. If you think it, you CAN create it!

Because you are NEVER an imposter when it comes to being yourself. Therefore, whatever life you make from the wholeness of YOU will be wholly yours… and wholly true!

And guess what? You’ve earned it.

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