Monica Berg's Blog, page 21

Pinchas: True Healing Happens in the Heart



During Shabbat Pinchas, Monica invites us to appreciate the pain and the challenges we experience, and reminds us the importance of asking the assistance of the Light of the Creator at all times.

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Waste Not, Want More

In Japan, there’s a tradition known as Kintsugi, in which broken objects are mended using glue mixed with finely powdered gold. The results are stunning! Rather than tossing or replacing them, these objects carry their golden “scars” like precious prizes… becoming all the more valuable for having them. In a related practice called Sakiori, old clothes or rags are torn apart and are then rewoven to become beautiful, one-of-a-kind fabrics.

The lesson? Rather than disgracing or replacing things, we, too, can learn to see the possibilities they hold.

Consider the natural world, where nothing is ever truly wasted. There’s always someone or something else that can make use of another’s discards. A hole in a tree, forged by a woodpecker last season, might become the perfect home to an owl this season. Fallen trees may host plant life and shelter all sorts of creatures… who will, in turn, pave the way for future growth. Even stones erode into sand, and that sand forges new features in the landscape. Everything is created and recreated–often carrying out multiple roles in the cycle of life.

Now apply that to the physical objects we interact with every day. The idea that everything has not just one purpose, but potentially many is at the heart of a “waste not” mentality. Kabbalah teaches that everything in our lives serves a purpose and becomes part of our wholeness. Yet we still get to choose how and what to include in that “everything.” In other words, we can enrich our lives even more by seeing possibilities for renewal in things–just as we do in ourselves.

From a material perspective, that means rethinking our relationship with “stuff.” Sure, we all love to acquire things… and we rely on many of them daily. Some things fill real needs–think clothing, food, and shelter. Others are beautiful and bring joy to our senses. But there are also things that are neither necessary nor beautiful… say, the layers of packaging for those things we want or need. Or odds and ends we’ve kept stashed in drawers or boxes for years. So what can we do to reduce the waste of all. This. Stuff?

Start with this exercise: Whatever the object, think about where it came from, where it is now (i.e., how you plan to use it), and where it could go next to a) do the least amount of harm and b) to be the most useful for someone else.

Once we begin to think this way about things, we gain awareness of our interconnectedness and make more mindful–and perhaps more creative–decisions about the items in our lives. Maybe we can reuse that wrapping paper… compost those table scraps (if the dog doesn’t get to them)… avoid buying over-packaged items… and so forth. And creating consciousness around our relationship with “things” will also help us gain more awareness of other types of waste we may encounter.

Among the greatest of these is time. My mother-in-law, kabbalist Karen Berg, once said, “The only thing in this Universe that does not diminish is energy. In its raw form, energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Whatever we put out in terms of energy is what we can receive back.”

In other words, nothing we’ve done–especially our perceived mistakes (which are, in fact, among our greatest gifts)–has been truly wasted. Like those golden veins that make a broken bowl more beautiful, our mistakes and setbacks always make us wiser and stronger. They help us redirect and elevate our lives.

So, while we needn’t regret anything in the past, we do have a choice as to how we will fill our days ahead. And from that perspective, where and how we choose to expend our energy may be worth a closer look. In a recent U.K. poll of 2,000 people, the average person reported wasting a whopping two hours each day! That adds up to 12 hours per week and almost a month a year of time less than well spent. According to those surveyed, some of the biggest time wasters included waiting in lines or traffic, scrolling through social media or related content, and watching tv.

Of course, deciding whether something will help or hinder your growth is always up to you. What’s most important is that you think it through! Consider, too, that even small bits of “extra” time can be used in productive or creative ways! The line at the store can become an opportunity to make someone smile, to update your calendar, or to mentally rehearse those interview questions. And traffic can be your jam with a good audiobook or spiritual podcast to keep you growing (might I suggest Spiritually Hungry? I happen to know that one well!). While you’re at it, why not trade an hour of Netflix or cute cat videos to learn a new skill?

Most of all, take time to NOTICE where and how you are spending your time. As the Rav often said, “Consciousness is everything”–how true it is!

That said, it’s important that we schedule in play or exercise or meditation–all these help us recharge and are both healthy and important! But wasting hours knowingly only keeps us from the experiences that will help us grow to meet our full potential. As Benjamin Franklin noted, “Lost time is never found again.”

So this week, let’s find more ways to create wholeness from brokenness, to waste less and appreciate more, and to see our time for the treasure it is!

Because while everything in our lives has a reason and a season, there’s no end to the ways we can improve tomorrow–both for ourselves and for the world.

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Self-Parenting 101: 4 Tips for “Raising” a Happier and More Fulfilled Version of YOU!

We’ve celebrated mothers. We’ve celebrated fathers. And parents deserve the honors–believe me, I know how challenging a job it can be (in my case, times four!).

Yet the parent we often need the most isn’t “out there.” Rather, it’s the parent within ourselves–the one that’s been with us through every bump, bruise, and victory. This is the “inner parent” who tells us to keep on when we feel like giving up. The one who, when we’re tempted to binge Netflix until 3 a.m. or stock up on (yet more) junk food, steps in to tell us to do the right thing.

Sometimes we listen. Sometimes we don’t. But I’m here to tell you that your inner parent deserves some respect. And it, like a car or a body, sometimes requires an occasional tune-up, too!

Where to begin? Research in social science has shown that the most effective parenting style–one that tends to produce happier, more well-adjusted and purpose-driven children–combines high expectations with equally high responsiveness, support, and nurturing. So what does this look like from a self-parenting perspective?

 

Here are four tips to help your inner parent bring out the best in you:

1) Establish (Reasonable and Kind) Rules and Expectations for Yourself.

Studies suggest that high parental expectations can be healthy–as long as they are reasonable and are kept in balance with the other elements. After all, if it weren’t for a measure of expectations, how could we strive or define our purpose in the world? We couldn’t.

Start by taking a look at areas in your life that can use more direction. Are you lacking in sleep or proper exercise? Are you trying to juggle too many things without taking care of yourself? Time for some parental intervention! You can make specific rules, such as, I will work in more steps each day by avoiding the elevator, or Lights out at 11 p.m. on weekdays, no exceptions! Or you can think more broadly–for instance, deciding to eat more mindfully or to add yoga to your fitness routine.

On the other side of the coin, ask yourself whether you are doing less–or aiming for less–than you know you can take on. Doing so can leave you feeling “less than,” which can perpetuate into more self-defeating thinking and behavior. Address any negative self-talk and get to the root of where it’s coming from. Practice turning negatives into positives: I can… I believe… I am worthy. Because you will, and you are! And it’s up to you to see it all through.

2) LISTEN to Your Inner Voice.

Good parents are good listeners. If, for instance, a child is feeling anxious, stressed, or overtaxed, a good parent doesn’t just say, “Oh, well, get over it.” The parent will encourage the child to explore where these feelings are coming from. Is there a “culprit” causing all the anxiety? Being responsive means tuning in to the inner parts of ourselves that often get drowned out by everything and everyone else.

Take time for a “state of the union” scan of all the major areas of your life: your relationships, your job, and your general sense of being. Which areas feel good? Which need attention? If you allow yourself to stew in misery over anything, you are not listening to your own truth. If you go to a job every day and come home feeling unfulfilled, again–you are not listening to or honoring yourself.

This week, pay attention to those places that feel “off,” and take steps towards righting those imbalances. Get support where you need it… solicit communication where it’s warranted… really HEAR the messages that your mind, heart, and spirit are telling you. They are your wisest advisors of all.

3) Make Time to Simply BE.

There’s a reason for recess. And playdates. And parks with swings and sand pits. PLAY is not only important to all children from an entertainment perspective; it’s also essential for inner growth. According to biological anthropologist Dr. Gwen DeWar, “Play and exploration lead to neurogenesis – the birth of new brain cells – in the part of the hippocampus that plays a key role in learning and memory.”

Through play, we discover, unimpeded. Play lets us connect with our own rhythms and be in the moment–away from the pressures we often feel to produce or be “on” for the world. And that can do wonders for every other part of our lives!

Similarly beneficial is the practice of “non-time”–which is play’s less interactive cousin. To illustrate: Some of Albert Einstein’s best ideas came to him while bobbing silently in his sailboat. Steve Jobs came upon some of his most revolutionary breakthroughs while mindlessly daydreaming. The lesson? The luxury of boredom is far from a waste of time. Instead, it opens us to a TASTE of time!

Don’t believe me? Try scheduling “play” or “non-time” into your busy week. You never know what magic it might bring!

4) Embrace Change and Cultivate a Growth Mindset.

The Greek philosopher Heraclitus remarked on how the only constant in our lives is change. This is something every parent can verify–since, over the years, we’ve witnessed our children morphing into many a creature (some more charming than others!). That said, as a self-professed change junkie, I’ve welcomed them all. Trying to fight change is a recipe for a stodgy, stifled life. So why not face it, embrace it, and make it work for you? Change–whether good or challenging–always holds a blessing!

And it almost always involves mistakes. Trust me, I faced major fear–and more than a few slip-ups–on my journey from being a speaking-shy girl to teaching and lecturing internationally. Sure, there were growing pains… but from that space, I welcomed them!

Because those less-than-lustrous deliveries helped me become more skillful, confident, and eloquent (on my best days!).

Kabbalah teaches that the only way to fulfillment and growth is through unwavering effort. There are no shortcuts to wisdom, no back-alley gate to mastery. The only way to become who we want to be is to allow ourselves to experience things, make mistakes, and try again until we get it right.

When asked about his less-than-successful experiments, Thomas Edison replied, “I have not failed; I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” I encourage you to not only accept your mistakes, but to be grateful for the growth they bring!

Finally, in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, Love and Belonging are fundamental to reaching self-actualization. As you embark on your self-parenting adventure, know that it’s never too late (or too soon!) to foster your sense of self-love. Because when you’re parenting yourself, you can be the “dream parent” you always wanted. YOU get to decide.

So start now… from right where you are. Make some great decisions today! As the wise Kabbalist Hillel the Elder once said, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?”

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No Guilt Mom

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The Different Ability Podcast

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Star Light, Star Bright… Be Careful What You Wish Tonight!

How we love our wishes! We wish upon stars. Blow out candles. We throw coins in fountains and scatter dandelion fluff, all in hopes that our wishes will be granted, fairy-godmother-style.

But do we ever stop to think through our wishes enough to know what having them might mean?

An ancient Greek story warns of wishing without understanding the consequences. In “The Sword of Damocles,” a tyrannical ruler named Dionysius suffers from what some call the golden cage syndrome: He has unlimited money and power, yet he doesn’t trust anyone. He’s so riddled with paranoia, he’s even built a moat around his sleeping quarters.

One day, a courtier called Damocles remarked at how perfect and easy Dionysius’s life must be. In response, the ruler suggested they trade places for a day so that Damocles might find out for himself. The eager Damocles was then pampered and regaled like a king. However, when led to sit on “his” throne, he noticed a sharpened sword dangling by a single horse hair hovering inches above his head. Horrified, Damocles jumped up and begged to stop the trade immediately… to which Dionysius replied, “You felt threatened sitting beneath the sword for a minute, but I feel a similar danger every moment of every day.” Damocles couldn’t wait to return to the safety of his simple cottage–and so he did.

The moral of the story? Sometimes we wish for things because, on the outside, they look shiny and fabulous. We want the high-profile job, but we don’t consider the weight of responsibility or loss of freedom that might come with it. We want a more expensive car or a bigger house without a thought to the cost of upkeep or the increased stresses that may accompany them.

Take winning the lottery, for example. Who hasn’t dreamed of such a windfall? Yet, for some who’ve experienced it, there have been nightmarish consequences. Mavis Wancsyk, who won a $758.7 million Powerball jackpot back in 2017, believed that everything would be rainbows and sunshine after her win. Yet, like Damocles, her “happily-ever-after” dream had a darker side.

Once news of the win broke, Mavis experienced a rush of attention that only increased with time. There were incessant solicitations by those she knew and, more disturbingly, by those she didn’t. The media followed her for weeks… and scammers became so persistent and intense, she had to hire protection to help ward them off. Mavis received threats to her life and her family, and she, much like Dionysius, felt vulnerable and suspicious of those around her. The gleaming prize had become tarnished by the worries and anxieties that had come with it.

Such cautionary tales might sound extreme, but they happen every day. And maybe the greatest lesson they offer is that of helping us recognize and appreciate what we already have and where we already are. As social animals, humans are wired for competition (survival of the fittest, right?). No wonder we’re seduced by ads or social posts of other people’s lives that leave us thinking, “If only I had THAT house/car/job/body/etc., I’d be SO much happier/better off/more fulfilled!” The question is, would you, really? In the cult film 13 Going on 30, Jennifer Garner’s character had wanted nothing more than to be “thirty, flirty, and thriving” on her 13th birthday. Yet when she got her wish, she also gave up her entire adolescence, not to mention her moral compass and the man she loved. Like the others, her dream’s cost far exceeded its benefits.

Don’t get me wrong: there’s nothing wrong with desiring! In fact, Kabbalah teaches that desire is a great motivator that moves us forward and helps us evolve in our lives. So it’s not the wanting that’s the problem. It’s the reasons for our wanting that make the difference.

Because the wish that truly elevates our lives has nothing to do with the outer world. And that wish (that we can all wish to grow in ourselves!) is the desire to connect more with the Light.

And that means being honest with ourselves and taking daily steps to remove what blocks or diminishes our Light, and then to increase what brightens or generates more of it. Desiring the Light is about revealing, not changing, who we are. Instead of acquiring more “stuff” or power or attention, we can shift the focus to growing ourselves from exactly where we are. And best of all, when we cultivate more of that inner Light, we end up granting our own wishes! We draw towards us those people, situations, and things that take us to the next level of our evolution… which, in turn, help us manifest our purpose.

And, as Kabbalah teaches, we can grow that Light even more when we desire to receive, not just for our own purposes, but so that we might share and lift the world through our work and our being. Rav Berg used to joke that he was the “most selfish person in the world.” He’d say, “Because I know that the only way I can receive more Light is by sharing more and more with others, I spend my life sharing with everybody!” That’s the kind of selfishness we’d all do well to cultivate!

So next time you find yourself wishing for something someone else has or does or is, think through the possible consequences having your wish might bring!

Would it actually improve your life and connect you more with the light? If so, start growing towards it from exactly where you are. And, along the way, never lose sight of the jackpot of blessings you already hold in your hands.

Because with every birthday candle, coin in the fountain, or dandelion flurry, we can wish blindly, or we can consciously align our wishes with reality… until the two become as intertwined as the stars are with the Light.

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Cancer: More Than a Feeling

In one of this year’s most celebrated Superbowl advertisements (titled “Saving Sawyer”), a motley, floppy-eared dog bonds with his family through a colorful, smile-filled montage. The ad–accompanied by emotional music, of course–carries the viewer through several emotions. We are sad when Sawyer is left gazing out a rain-splashed window as his people leave for the day. We’re anxious when he then proceeds to shred clothes, break lamps, and chew up the remote, among other things. We feel trepidation as the family then orders a crate from Amazon (remember, this is an ad). Yet those negative feelings dissolve into joy and relief as we learn that the crate is not for Sawyer, but rather for a new puppy who will keep him company.

And with a final shot of the two furry friends curled up on a bed, we feel relieved. Blissful, even. We have changed, somehow, because we have personally connected with a family’s story and experience through emotion. That’s because feelings connect us to a part of our shared humanity, not to mention to ourselves. A recent study from Kantar showed that ads eliciting strong emotions in consumers are a whopping four times more impactful than those based on information alone!

As we enter the month of Cancer (Tammuz), feelings move into the spotlight, along with a tremendous opportunity for personal growth. This month invites us to tap into the emotional aspect of our nature… to tune into the messages our feelings are trying to convey. From there, we’ll learn more about where action is needed most to bring positive change to our lives.

Our feelings are far more than peripheral experiences. They are our inner barometers, as important to our self-understanding as knowledge or reason. Our emotions have the ability to guide us with incredible accuracy to what is or isn’t working in our lives. They can push us towards our purpose, motivate us to take positive risks, and warn us of dangers or decisions that don’t suit our higher selves.

Whether or not you’re born under the sign of Cancer, the energy of this month can help you access such essential information with greater ease and clarity. That’s because beneath Cancer’s seemingly solid exterior (consider that Cancerian crab shell!) lies a deeply emotional interior with the capacity for great empathy towards others. (Note: When you’re facing a tough time, a Cancer is the friend you’ll want on your side! They are fiercely loyal and compassionate… I know this–I married one!) Such heightened receptivity can help us get in better touch with our DESIRES, too. As Kabbalah teaches, knowing and increasing our desire provides fuel for transformation of any kind.

And beyond their essential role in spiritual growth, our emotions can also help us in more practical ways. A recent article posted by the American Academy of Family Physicians cited myriad ways our emotions impact our health. Positive emotions, such as hopefulness, joy, and contentment, boost our overall well-being and often manifest in more positive choices in every area. However, negative emotions, such as anxiety and stress, can lower immunity and cause issues with sleep, digestion, and other bodily systems. We’re more prone to bad habits (including more negative thinking) when we allow those negative feelings to consume us.

So how can we cultivate more emotional self-awareness in the days and weeks ahead? Start with the basics:

If something in your life feels off or negative, pay attention. Your inner compass is likely guiding you to turn a different way. Does something need to be decreased, removed, or redirected? Conversely, if something stirs excitement within you (you know, that uplifting, “butterflies” sensation), it may be a call to further explore that pull.

Think of every emotion as a mark on your own internal map. Yet as with any other map, we have to learn how to read the signs correctly if we’re to chart our best course.

That’s why it’s important to give yourself time to process any strong feeling fully before acting too rashly. Cancer is a water sign ruled by the moon, so expect that the tides of emotion may rise and fall more dramatically this month. To counter the turbulence, try pursuing mindful activities such as meditation, nature walks, yoga, or other practices that help tune out the noise. The more we connect with our inner calm, the clearer the waters will become, and the more accurately we’ll see what needs attention and how we might best address it.

Above all, the energy of this month asks us to peer inwards, rather than outwards. When we connect fully with our emotions and the messages they’re sending, we expand our powers to manifest change in our lives. Our feelings no longer rule us, overwhelm us, or send us running for cover. We face them. We learn from them.

And through our conscious decision to feel our way forward, we find our joy, excitement, and desire expanding, too… opening us to receive all the blessings that were and are meant to be ours.

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Good Morning Arizona

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Look for the Signs (Hint: They’re Everywhere!)

In July of 2006, a waitress in Westlake, Ohio, asked a customer who’d ordered a drink to present her ID. But what the server received shocked her: it was her own stolen driver’s license! This waitress’s wallet had been stolen a few weeks earlier in another town. So, instead of bringing drinks to the table, she brought the police, who arrested the thief!

Think about it. What was the likelihood of this series of events playing out? There were so many moving parts: details like Westlake’s sizable population and many restaurants… the fact that the theft occurred elsewhere… the waitress’s work schedule… the probability of her even serving this particular customer who just so happened to order alcohol… or any of hundreds of other factors. The likelihood of this having occurred was close to impossible!

So… was this a coincidence? Or was it just another serendipitous encounter (granted, one that made news headlines) showing us that there may be a more meaningful order to events than we realize or bother to notice?

Because most of us have experienced at least one occurrence–if not many–that seemed highly improbable. Maybe we were thinking of someone, and they called. Perhaps we saw numbers or heard a quote or lyrics that “spoke” directly to our current situation. On that note (pun intended), music has often been a messenger for me. I’ll never forget how a song by John Legend, streamed during a tough workout, delivered a core-level message for me during an especially difficult period. (I’d been caring for my father, who was suffering from dementia.) Let’s just say that was a true “sweat and tears” moment… one that helped me reset my clarity and strength.

Kabbalah teaches that everything and everyone in our lives has the potential to be a teacher. According to the Baal Shem Tov, even a falling leaf has purpose, from its gentle dance with the breeze to its destination. We may not perceive the ways or the whys of things, but they are always there.

Not long ago, Michael and I ordered a new fireplace screen for our home. In the large box that arrived, there were too many parts to count… but somehow, they all fit together. Our lives are much like that box in that every element that comes into our sphere has a place and/or a reason for being there. The Light of the Creator offers us the ultimate instruction manual–we need only tap into it by paying attention!

Some may believe that the Universe is pure chaos and that reading “messages” in arbitrary places is a side effect of our human desire to seek order. And science can back the idea that humans have created–and continue to create–order in various ways to help with our survival and evolution. Austrian Economist Friedrich Hayek spent years exploring the concept of “Spontaneous Order,” or the idea that many of our systems have been organized through the cooperative contributions of many people over time. Things like the market economy, the development of the internet, and even language itself are examples of turning would-be chaos into universally understood systems that serve essential needs. Look at language, for instance. Somewhere in the distant past, a caveperson probably made a sound to signify impending danger. Maybe that warning sounded a little like the word “run,” which later became part of a vast and ever-growing roster of expressions. And at the helm of most every human advancement since is that ever-changing and growing creation we call language.

As for the concept of “coincidence,” research can quantify that, too. In a study published in The Journal of the American Statistical Association, two Harvard mathematicians collected and analyzed thousands of chance experiences submitted by subjects. Professors Diaconis and Mosteller concluded that, due to “the law of truly large numbers,” all you need is a big enough sample, and anything can happen. Say, for instance, there’s only a one-in-a-million chance of a coincidence occurring. If you have a pool of 400 million people, then there’s the potential for 400 amazing coincidences to happen!

Which brings us back to this: Do such noteworthy events–let alone the rest of our experiences–actually carry meaning? Or are they simply byproducts of our own effort at assigning significance where none exists?

The answer is yes, and yes.

We can choose to see the world as random and chaotic and nothing more. OR we can see it as a place where meaning is everywhere, and the Universe is with us every step of the way, in both joyful times and challenging ones.

 

For Carl Jung, the meaning of synchronistic events could only be determined in the space between the inner and outer worlds. From a Kabbalistic standpoint, this intersection is the consciousness we inhabit that allows us to peer beyond the veil of so-called “ordinary” life to perceive the Light within and behind it all. Karen Berg taught that in order to achieve this state, we must keep our eyes and ears open since the Universe is always speaking to us. That glorious sunrise? It may be telling you something about your own beginnings. That frustrating traffic mishap? It’s teaching you something (that’s for you to decide), perhaps while reminding you to slow down and pay more attention.

So try this: For one day, look at everything as being purposeful.

Because when we look for and begin to understand the message in everything, be it blatant or subtle, our lives take on more richness and meaning. We see that the “coincidences” may not be so coincidental after all. They are simply more grandiose reminders of that ongoing partnership we have in co-creating our lives. And the more we feel in partnership with the Universe, the more synchronicity we will attract into our lives to help us manifest the fullness of our potential!

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Yahoo! Life

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