Catherine Pearlman's Blog, page 12

A Dominating Talker and Unflattering Outfits for 02/10/2017

Dear Family Coach: I have two wonderful but very different children. One is extremely talkative and dominates all conversations. The other is quiet and never gets a word in. How can I manage family time so both boys have a chance to express themselves equally? — Managing Parents

Dear Parents: There is no rule that says all children in a family must have equal time to talk. Some children are more introverted and prefer to listen and observe. They might feel quite uncomfortable being put on the spot to make conversation at the dinner table. Other kids feel they must express every thought that enters their mind. These children often have a harder time listening. It is unwise to try to stifle the talker while pressing the quiet one to make conversation. However, that doesn't mean you can't make some room for everyone.

Updated: Fri Feb 10, 2017

A Stoic Bullying Victim and Dentist Phobia for 02/04/2017

Dear Family Coach: I recently found out that my 10-year-old son is regularly being kicked at school. When I asked him why he didn't tell the teacher, he said he didn't want to because he thought it was better for the bully kick him instead of some of the other kids. He also said he was afraid the bully would tell the other children not to like him. How can I help him in this situation? — Saddened Mom

Dear Mom: That's heartbreaking. Your son is someone special trying to protect others. However, it's important to tell him that he shouldn't feel he must take abuse for any reason. No child or adult has the right to put his (or her) hands on him in any way that makes him uncomfortable or inflicts pain. Make sure he knows that by stating it explicitly. Commend his incredibly thoughtful nature, and let him know that you see how selfless he acted.

Updated: Sat Feb 04, 2017

An Unlawful Tattoo and an Ungrateful Teen for 02/03/2017

Dear Family Coach: My 16-year-old daughter came home with a very visible tattoo. I didn't know she was getting it, and I didn't give her permission. I'm so disappointed because she is growing up to be a responsible and amazing young lady. I spoke to her about the impact of her decision and made an appointment to have it removed. Is it right to force her to take the tattoo off, or should I have her live with her decision? — Angry Dad

Dear Dad: You have every right to be angry. It is illegal in 38 states to tattoo a minor without parental permission. Without identification and a parent, the tattoo parlor acted illegally and irresponsibly by inking your daughter. I would check the laws in your state and take your daughter's case to criminal or civil court if there is a violation.

Updated: Fri Feb 03, 2017

Holding a Sibling Back and Changing Schools for 01/28/2017

Dear Family Coach: My 8-year-old daughter wants to go to sleep-away camp. My 10-year-old son has no interest. However, he doesn't want us to let our daughter go because he says it will be embarrassing for him if she goes and he doesn't. We are considering keeping her home this summer to appease him. Is this the correct decision? — Parents With a Balancing Act

Dear Parents: Nope. Holding your daughter back for the sake of your son's feelings is not the right call. It is perfectly understandable that your son doesn't want to deal with the potential questions from family members and friends as to why he isn't at camp. Sure, it may be embarrassing for him. But denying his sister an opportunity isn't the answer. Keeping her home doesn't address the underlying issue. It simply mollifies the symptom.

Updated: Sat Jan 28, 2017

Morning Screen Time and Sick at Bedtime for 01/27/2017

Dear Family Coach: Although my 9-year-old daughter wakes hours before school, she still drags her feet getting out the door. She likes to use her iPad in the mornings, so she pops out of bed early for some screen time. The iPad is set up to turn off 20 minutes before the bus arrives. However, excessive nagging and arguing are required to get her to the bus on time. I thought it might be helpful to pay her a dollar every time she is ready before 8:30 a.m., but my husband hates the idea. What do you think? — Tired of Mornings Mom

Dear Tired: Sit down because you aren't going to like my advice. Yes, it is excessive to pay your child to do the most basic of required childhood activities. One problem with the payment system is that eventually your daughter will decide the dollar isn't worth that much. She would rather play one more game or delay for a few more minutes. When that happens, you will be out all that money and she still won't be ready on time. Furthermore, in the future, she will begin a financial negotiation every time you want her to do anything. Trust me, this will become a burden and highly unpleasant.

Updated: Fri Jan 27, 2017

A Basketball Quitter and Wearing Makeup for 01/21/2017

Dear Family Coach: My 8-year-old son signed up for youth basketball. At first he really enjoyed it. But now, halfway through the season, he is dreading games and practice. He wants to drop the sport altogether and miss the rest of the season. Is it OK to let him quit, or should we force him to stick it out? — Quitter's Dad

Dear Dad: I'm a firm believer that if you quit once, it will become that much easier to quit again. Kids learn something important when they are faced with mild adversity. I'm not talking about learning basketball skills. I'm saying that having to tough it out will teach your son how to plow through difficult experiences. He won't shut down at the first sign of a challenge. Finishing the season will show him that he can do something even when he doesn't want to. That's called resilience, and it's one life lesson you don't want your son not to learn.

Updated: Sat Jan 21, 2017

Dad Addicted to Games and a Working Mom for 01/20/2017

Dear Family Coach: My husband is a big kid. He is addicted to playing hockey games on the Xbox. Every night, he begs our son to play with him, but my son has no interest. Sometimes he even bribes him to play video games. This seems ridiculous to me. How can I convince my husband that bribing a child to play video games is problematic? — Married to a Kid

Dear Married: There's good news and bad news here. The good news is that your husband is actively trying to engage your son. Video games may seem like a complete waste of time to you. And you may see absolutely no redeeming value in them. But video games, like many other types of games, can actually be quite social. And just because people are staring at a screen doesn't mean it's mindless. Your husband is trying to engage your son in something that he himself enjoys. There's nothing wrong with that.

Updated: Fri Jan 20, 2017

Homework Prime-Time and Dueling Piano Lessons for 01/14/2017

Dear Family Coach: When my children get off the school bus, they have a snack. I like them to begin their homework straight away. There is often a good deal of whining and complaining. But I find that if we leave the homework until after dinner, there is just as much whining, and sometimes they don't finish the work by bedtime. Should homework be done first thing after school, or is it best to delay? — Dad Hates Homework

Dear Dad: You and every other parent are sick of homework. The benefits of homework are murky at best, and sadly, it's the worst part of the day for many families. It is currently an unfortunate requirement of our education system. It's best to minimize the damage and maximize the potential for easy completion.

Updated: Sat Jan 14, 2017

Sexuality Assumption and Troublesome Disobedience for 01/13/2017

Dear Family Coach: I want to discuss dating with my teenage son. But I am not sure whether he likes boys or girls or both. I don't want to assume, but I'm also not sure how to address this. I want him to know we support whatever he decides. How can we convey this without it getting awkward? — Loving Hetero Parents

Dear Parents: Years ago, when my son was probably 6, a doctor told us that a problem would be fixed by the time he married a nice girl. I immediately thought about how presumptuous the doctor was being. But my next thought was how damaging that innocent comment could be to a child trying to understand his sexuality. At that time, I had no knowledge of my son's persuasion, but it doesn't matter. The point is that as a society, we need to assume children could marry someone of either sex until we learn differently.

Updated: Fri Jan 13, 2017

Group Dating and Anger Management in Preschool for 01/07/2017

Dear Family Coach: My 14-year-old daughter's friend asked her to accompany her on a date. The friend is dating a boy and isn't allowed to go out with him alone. She wants to invite another boy to attend along with my daughter to have a group date. Should I let my daughter go? — Hesitant Parents

Dear Hesitant: Group dating is a precursor to individual dating. It's important to keep that in mind when making your decision. Sure, your daughter would be there to support her friend. But she would also be spending more social time with potential love interests. On one hand, it is great for her to develop friendships and ways to socially interact in a relaxed setting. On the other hand, she will be one step closer to dating. If you are OK with allowing her to begin dating, then let her escort her friend. If you aren't certain she is ready for this step — or if you aren't — then maybe back off for a bit.

Updated: Sat Jan 07, 2017