Catherine Pearlman's Blog, page 5

Devastating News and Constant Rebellion for 10/07/2017

Dear Family Coach: My kids are exposed to what seems to be an endless stream of devastating news. Natural disasters, mass shootings and other forms of unspeakable violence are impossible for them to avoid. It's so normal for them that they are starting to turn jaded. I don't want to freak them out or have them live in fear, but at the same time, I don't want them to lack sympathy for the victims of these events. How do I strike a balance? — Sick of It

Dear Sick: It's a horrible shame that our kids are growing up in this environment. Before the victims of one hurricane or event are taken care of, there are more victims to worry about. As adults, we find it exhausting to manage the emotions of the constant barrage. For children, it's even trickier.

Updated: Sat Oct 07, 2017

A Stressed Schoolgirl and Wanting a Dog for 10/06/2017

Dear Family Coach: My fun, bright, accomplished fifth-grader is stressed. She is teary at the drop of a hat, expresses feeling left out and articulates that she's overwhelmed by school. She says the trouble is keeping track of the multitude of notebooks and folders. She worries about upcoming work for the week and having so many things to remember. She seems to be alone a lot, too. What can we do to help her? — Concerned Parents

Dear Concerned: Your little girl is getting steamrolled by her world. It may seem hard to imagine why elementary school can be so stressful, but there are lots of moving parts. For some, it can feel like too much. Now is a good time to work on her issues before she moves into middle school, which has bigger challenges.

Updated: Fri Oct 06, 2017

Miserable Mealtimes and Grumpy Mornings for 09/30/2017

Dear Family Coach: My three kids and my husband all whine and complain at mealtime. Everyone likes something different, and some are so picky they eat only a few foods. I feel as if I'm going to battle every meal. I offer this and then that and then something else. Everyone eats eventually, but it's miserable. Help me quickly! — Lost

Dear Lost: Your family is playing you, and you are losing the game. Dealing with picky eaters is a challenge. But you are creating monsters by making and offering so many options at every meal. Save yourself and your sanity by ending this practice today.

Updated: Sat Sep 30, 2017

Siblings Hit and Nazi Paraphernalia for 09/29/2017

Dear Family Coach: Although we know that our 8-year-old daughter loves her 10-year-old brother very much, her first reaction when he teases or otherwise annoys her is to yell and hit him. It's an immediate overreaction. She does warn him (by yelling), but if he doesn't stop (which he doesn't), she hits. How should we approach this? Both kids are at fault, but she definitely takes it to another level. — Sick of Bickering

Dear Sick of Bickering: Your daughter isn't overreacting. She's being teased consistently by her older and more powerful brother. That's frustrating. She also clearly has little control over stopping it. Also frustrating. What looks like overreacting is really your daughter's being out of acceptable tools to make her brother stop the harassment. So she yells and hits him. She's angry, and she wants to make him angry, too. Though her methods aren't appropriate, I can certainly understand the reaction. Can't you?

Updated: Fri Sep 29, 2017

Jewish but Not Religious, and Chores for 09/23/2017

Dear Family Coach: My family is Jewish but not religious. Most of us are atheist or agnostic. We still celebrate all of the holidays because we consider ourselves culturally Jewish. We used to live in a Jewish area, so the schools were closed for Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. Now we live in an area with very few Jews, so the kids have school on those days. My oldest is in high school and doesn't want to miss classes. But I feel that it sends a message to others that Judaism doesn't matter when not even the Jews observe the holiday. I want to forbid her from attending school. Is that unfair? — Jewish

Dear Jewish: From what you've said, it sounds like your primary concern is that others will misunderstand Judaism if your daughter attends school. You may be right, but your first obligation is to your daughter. Why doesn't she want to miss school? I'm guessing because high school is stressful. It moves quickly, and missing even one day can cause a bit of a breakdown.

Updated: Sat Sep 23, 2017

Rigid Bedtime and Postered Walls for 09/22/2017

Dear Family Coach: My sister-in-law keeps her 1-year-old daughter on the strictest schedule. She has to put her down for a nap and down to bed at exactly the right time. She freaks out if a family gathering runs a bit late. It's so frustrating, and it ends up stressing us all out. How can we encourage her to lighten up? — Annoyed

Dear Annoyed: Before I answer your question, just a quick question for you: When the baby doesn't get to sleep at the right time and is then overtired and cranky the next day, are you going help out? And when the baby is up at 12 a.m. and 3 a.m. and 5 a.m. because she's overtired or had a catnap in the car, are you going to be there to rock her to sleep? I don't think so.

Updated: Fri Sep 22, 2017

A Slob and a Deliberately Unhelpful Daughter for 09/16/2017

Dear Family Coach: My teen son is a slob, and it drives me insane. The other day I decided to help him clean up. It took us four hours, but everything had a place and the room was spotless. Not a day later, it was back to a disaster area. I was hurt and felt that he was disrespectful to me by not trying to keep his room clean. Am I wrong? — Tidy Mom

Dear Tidy: Yep, you are wrong. Your son didn't mess up his room to spite you. He's just a slob. It's what comes naturally to him. He likely doesn't even see his room as messy. You see a disorganized mess. I assure you sees it differently.

Updated: Sat Sep 16, 2017

Gifts Giving and Receiving for 09/15/2017

Dear Family Coach: A friend visited recently and brought a toy for both of my children. The 5-year-old received an awesome puzzle, and the 3-year-old received a dolphin bath toy. Unfortunately, my older son became obsessed with his brother's dolphin. He pushed his gift aside and obsessed over the dolphin. I tried to get them to share, but it became a source of constant bickering and tantrums for my older son. In the end, I took it away, but that felt unfair. What should I have done? — Caught Mom

Dear Caught: How sweet that your friend brought the boys gifts. How sad that your oldest ruined the moment for everyone. But really, he isn't to blame. You are. The good news is that you can easily undo the damage so it doesn't happen again.

Updated: Fri Sep 15, 2017

Play Dates With a Stay-At-Home Dad and a Stinky Teen for 09/09/2017

Dear Family Coach: I'm a stay-at-home dad, and most of my play dates have been with other dads so far. But I'm becoming friends with moms, too. We all have one big thing in common, but I just feel like it might be a little odd at first. If I invite a mom over with her child, are there certain things I should do as a Dad to sort of, I don't know, make them feel comfortable? — Dad

Dear Dad: In this day and age, moms and dads are clearly taking on more similar child-rearing roles. More and more often, dads are organizing the social calendar, and that means interacting with the moms. Treat play dates with a mom friend just like you would a dad friend. You may not become best friends with all of the mothers, but if you are yourself, you will find those who will feel comfortable around you.

Updated: Sat Sep 09, 2017

Potential Football Injuries and Stealing a Candy Bar for 09/08/2017

Dear Family Coach: I allowed my son to play high school football last year because he's a former soccer player, and the coach said he needed him to kick and punt. I was comfortable with that, and he had a great time. This year, however, the coach wants him to be the backup quarterback. My son is thrilled, of course. Football terrifies me because of the roughness and potential for long-term injuries like concussions. Would it be cruel to say no? — Cautious

Dear Cautious: I have a strong opinion here. Too many parents blindly sign their kids up for football without a moment's thought to the high potential for irreparable injury. A recent study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association reported that 110 out of 111 former NFL players whose brains were donated to scientific research after death had chronic traumatic encephalopathy, or CTE, a fancy name for brain damage. While evidence is mounting about the impact on younger players, the same study reported that 21 percent of high school players and 91 percent of college players also showed CTE.

Updated: Fri Sep 08, 2017