Catherine Pearlman's Blog, page 6

Unsupervised Play and Losing Friends for 09/02/2017

Dear Family Coach: My children are grown now, but I feel deeply concerned by the hypervigilance that I see in today's parenting style. Playing unsupervised and out of sight of adults, and simply spending time alone (outdoors mostly) was crucial to my childhood years and my children's early years. Do you consider it a problem that today's children are growing up with almost no chance for unsupervised play and/or being alone? — Home Alone

Dear Alone: The days when parents said "be home by dinner" are long gone. Sadly, children today rarely have time to just play, let alone do it unsupervised. Most kids are booked solid with homework, tutors, sports, piano and karate. For most kids, unstructured playtime is lost by middle school.

Updated: Sat Sep 02, 2017

Obnoxious Teen Revolts and a Reasonable Curfew for 09/01/2017

Dear Family Coach: My wife and I have four kids ranging in age from 10 to 16 years old. Everyone is so busy. I wanted to have one night of the week when we are all together for game night. Everyone is excited about it except for my oldest. At 16, he'd rather be with his friends on Friday night. Every time we try to get together, he is incredibly obnoxious and rude, and after a while we dismiss him because he is ruining it for everyone. Should we let him out of the family night or continue to require it regardless of his behavior? — Gamers

Dear Gamers: Jee, I wonder why your son acts up on game night. Could it be because he's learned that being obnoxious helps him avoid annoying family time? Of course he'd rather be with his friends. For teens, their friends are their world. Sorry, folks, you aren't it anymore. Accept you son's desire to want to fly the coup. Allow it. But don't let him flee without a tether to bring him back sometimes.

Updated: Fri Sep 01, 2017

A Late-Night Suicide Threat for 08/26/2017

Dear Family Coach: Last night, my 16-year old snuck out of the house with friends at 2 a.m. They were on a mission to help a girl who was threatening suicide. My son did call me after they called the police. But I don't know why he got involved, and I'm not all right with him sneaking out. How should I reprimand him? — Dad

Dear Dad: Your son's heart was in the right place. It's important to remember that. He risked getting in trouble to help another teen fight through a hard time. There's something to be said for that kind of compassion. Lots of kids would just gossip about a depressed girl. Your son acted to obtain some help. Let him know that you think it's pretty amazing.

Updated: Sat Aug 26, 2017

A Basement Hangout and a Dead Cellphone for 08/25/2017

Dear Family Coach: My 16-year-old son has a girlfriend, and her mom does not allow them to be alone at my house. They prefer to hang out in our finished basement, but I don't want to keep going down there. Should I tell them they can't go down there or tell the mom I can't watch them every single second? — Stuck in the Middle

Dear Stuck: I have mixed feelings on this one. Dating teens certainly need supervision. But honestly, where there's a will, there's a way. Even with constant supervision in the home, the kids will go to the beach or the park or just spend more time in the car to find alone time. There is no way to completely oversee their time together.

Updated: Fri Aug 25, 2017

Strangers Groping Gorgeous Hair and Driving Without a Permit for 08/19/2017

Dear Family Coach: My 13-year-old daughter has the most incredible red hair with ringlets. It's really striking, and she gets a lot of attention for it. She mostly enjoys the attention. But often, people she doesn't even know feel compelled to run their fingers through her hair. They just want to touch it. My daughter isn't particularly touchy-feely, and she feels violated when someone touches her hair. How can I help her politely ward off unwanted touching when the strangers are only trying to be complimentary? — Redhead's Mom

Dear Mom: Your daughter has every right to control how and when her hair is touched. It is an extension of her body, and she should be given complete power to refuse any unwanted touching.

Updated: Sat Aug 19, 2017

How To Tell a Child About a Sexual Assault for 08/18/2017

Dear Family Coach: I was sexually assaulted in college. I never told anyone in my family. It's taken years, but I am not in pain anymore. As my daughter begins her freshman year of high school, I am feeling the urge to tell her my story. I want her to know what can happen to girls, but I also don't want to frighten her. When and how should I tell her? — Afraid

Dear Afraid: It must have been difficult to go through an assault without sharing it with your family. I'm glad you have been able to find a path to feeling less pain. It is perfectly appropriate to tell your daughter your story. It can make the lessons of safety more relevant.

Updated: Fri Aug 18, 2017

A Bisexual Friend and a New IPad for 08/12/2017

Dear Family Coach: My daughter is 16, and she has a good friend who identifies as bisexual. I try to be open-minded, but I get the feeling that this girl is hitting on my daughter. I hear certain comments and see some suggestions. This makes me very uncomfortable. What should I do? — Not Ready for Sex Mom

Dear Mom: You better get ready for sex because, sooner or later, it is coming your way. Sticking your head in the sand won't make hormones and desires hold off. It will just leave your daughter alone to fend for herself. Get a grip, and start talking to her.

Updated: Sat Aug 12, 2017

Divorced Parents and Choking on a Pea for 08/11/2017

Dear Family Coach: I'm a divorced mom with a 10-year-old son. The arrangement with my ex is my son switches houses every weekend. He often forgets something inconsequential like a uniform or a book at one place or the other. Whenever I get frustrated with him, he tells me I don't understand how hard it is to have divorced parents because my parents are still married. I feel he uses the divorce as an excuse and tries to make me feel guilty. How can I respond to him without sounding insensitive? — Mom Not Buying It

Dear Mom: I think it's possible your son is making excuses and having divorced parents is hard. Organization isn't always a strong suit for a 10-year-old. Add an additional home with twice as much to keep orderly and you have recipe for constant misplacement of important items. Imagine you had to travel for work every single week. Don't you think you might forget a thing or two along the way?

Before doing anything about the missing items, take a moment to listen to your son. He is trying to tell you that having divorced parents isn't always rainbows and unicorns. Sometimes it's inconvenient. Sometimes it's frustrating. And I bet sometimes it's upsetting. Don't try to talk him out of that. Listen and show him some empathy. He didn't ask for this situation.

Updated: Fri Aug 11, 2017

A Book Lover and a Kind Soul for 08/05/2017

Dear Family Coach: I feel one of my great failures as a parent is that my kids are not readers. They spend tons of time on their phones, like most other kids, and they diligently complete their homework. But free time is never spent reading. When I impose reading time, it feels like a punishment rather than a pleasure, which seems counterproductive. Any tips? — Reading Mama

Dear Mama: Give yourself and your kids a break. The joy of reading comes naturally to some children. Others may not see the benefits for years to come, if ever. While being able to read is important, a love of reading isn't required to have a life filled with happiness and success.

Updated: Sat Aug 05, 2017

Daughter Unties Mom After Robbery for 08/04/2017

Dear Family Coach: Last week, while my husband and 7-year-old daughter were at an amusement, park two young men broke into my house and demanded money and credit cards. After I gave them what they wanted, they gagged me and hogtied me face down in the kitchen. Three hours later, my husband and daughter came home, and they untied me. Luckily, I wasn't hurt, but I'm concerned about how this will affect my daughter. She was loving and concerned about me, and she showed no apparent detrimental effects. Still, I think she should see a counselor, but my husband thinks prodding her may produce concerns that are not there. I'm torn. What do you think? — Bound in Doubt

Dear Bound: This sounds like a highly traumatic event for the entire family. It's incredible that you were not hurt physically and that your daughter seems to be unaffected. However, emotional wounds can be even harder to see and take longer to heal.

Updated: Fri Aug 04, 2017