Catherine Pearlman's Blog, page 9

A Solo Concert and a Bully Intervention for 05/20/2017

Dear Family Coach: My daughter is turning 13 in a few weeks. Instead of a party, she wants to attend a Green Day concert without me. She'd like to invite two other girls to join her. I don't feel she is old enough to go on her own with friends. What do you think? — Worrier

Dear Worrier: There are so many factors to consider when making this decision. Her age is just a number. Some 13-year-olds can't do much of anything independently. Others can cook, do laundry, care for elderly relatives and manage farm animals on their own. Her maturity level and abilities are much more important measures of whether or not she is ready. The venue is also a factor. Is this concert in a large hall in an unfamiliar big city, or it is closer to home at a smaller site that is easier to navigate?

Updated: Sat May 20, 2017

A Large Bank Account and a Fallen Hero for 05/19/2017

Dear Family Coach: My 18-year-old son was in a terrible car accident a few years ago, and he received a large cash settlement. Since I am listed on his bank account, I can see how he is spending his money. I'm sick to learn that he is blowing it away on parties, pizza and T-shirts. I know it's his money, but is there anything I can do to preserve it for him until he can be more responsible with it? — Budget Mom

Dear Mom: There are two possible ways you can handle this situation. Both have merits and drawbacks. Weigh the options, and decide what is best for your son.

Updated: Fri May 19, 2017

Choosing a College and a Religious Divide for 05/13/2017

Dear Family Coach: The time has come for my son to choose a college. He has it in his head that he wants to attend a small rural liberal arts college with limited offerings. My husband and I think this school would be a terrible fit for him. Should we allow him to make his own decision even if we think it's a bad one? — Grad's Mom and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad: While it may not seem like it, choosing a college isn't as important as, say, solving global warming or world hunger. Somehow, American society has evolved to where the most important goal of a child's first 18 years is to get into the very best college. And the concept of the very best college implies that there is one particular school that will guarantee your child happiness, prosperity and success. I don't believe that fallacy.

There is no one college for your son. I guarantee there are a variety of good programs for him and that he can thrive regardless of his eventual decision. Maybe this rural college has few options in terms of majors. But maybe that same college has an amazing set of alumni who mentor future graduates in a wide variety of fields. Maybe that small college in the middle of nowhere fosters self-reliance and self-development more than some big city school. And maybe he will have more opportunity to shine at that school (the whole big fish in a small pond thing) than at a big school, where he might get lost in the abyss of talented young people.

Updated: Sat May 13, 2017

A Teen's Mustache and a Potty Obsession for 05/12/2017

Dear Family Coach: My 13-year-old son has a mustache, and I cannot stand it. It's more fuzzy than bushy, and it makes him look much older than he is. I've been begging him to shave it, but he refuses. Even some kids at school are harassing him and calling him Mustachio. How can I get him to shave it for his own good? — Mustachio's Mom

Dear Mom: I think you are asking the wrong question. Don't ask how you could make your son see the err in his facial hair ways. Instead, ask him what that mustache means to him. Here are the possible answers I predict.

The first answer is your son sees the hair, has no opinion about it and thus has no motivation to shave. If this is the case, you will only gnaw away at his self-esteem if you continue to push him to shave. Leave it alone.

Updated: Fri May 12, 2017

Underage Drinking at Home and Teen Depression for 05/06/2017

Dear Family Coach: I know my 17-year-old sometimes drinks beer when he goes out on the weekends. He is usually with a few friends in a less-than-ideal locale. I worry he will get in trouble with the police or in a drunk driving accident. I've been thinking of allowing him to drink with a few friends at our house instead. What do you think of the idea? — Worried

Dear Worried: I can hear that you are worried, but your worry stops short of making sensible decisions. Let's review your plan.

Updated: Sat May 06, 2017

Forbidding '13 Reasons Why' and Puberty for 05/05/2017

Dear Family Coach: My 14-year-old daughter wants to watch this new series on Netflix called "13 Reasons Why." I've heard the show depicts a lot of difficult themes like suicide and drugs. I don't want her to see it. But all of her friends are watching it, and I'm getting a lot of pressure. Is it OK to insist she stay away from the show? — Holding Ground

Dear Holding Ground: I've got bad news for you. She has probably watched it already. If she hasn't, she certainly will, with or without your consent. Unfortunately, it is literally impossible to shield your daughter at that age. Even if you don't buy her a smartphone or give her access to Netflix, you can't control what choices other parents make for their kids. Just one child on the bus needs to have access for your daughter to be happily watching without you. Strictly forbidding her to watch just won't work.

Updated: Fri May 05, 2017

A Family Secret and Underage Smoking for 04/29/2017

Dear Family Coach: My husband and I confided something private to our 10-year-old son. We told him this was a family matter and not to tell anyone. We've come to find out that he immediately told his entire class and teacher. We are horrified and feel totally violated. What punishment can I enforce to teach him a lesson? — Secret Keeper

Dear Secret Keeper: It is you who needs a lesson, not your son. It was unreasonable to put the burden of that secret on him. At 10 years old, he hardly understands the implications of telling a secret, and he probably won't get it until his empathy fully develops. Likely, it's not until he has a secret of his own that he will truly understand the concept.

Updated: Sat Apr 29, 2017

Late for Carpool and Concerns With Body Size for 04/28/2017

THE FAMILY COACH

BY DR. CATHERINE PEARLMAN

Updated: Fri Apr 28, 2017

A Family Secret and Underage Smoking for 04/28/2017

Dear Family Coach: Every morning, my son makes his carpool wait while he gets his stuff together or finishes his breakfast. And every morning, I have to run around the house gathering his books and supplies to get him out the door. Sometimes they can't wait for him, so I have to drive him to school and then I'm late for work. What can I do to make him stop being late — for everyone's sake? — On Time

Dear On Time: Your son is obviously disorganized and chronically running behind. But it's your actions and those of his friends that are ensuring he has no incentive to get his act together. You wrote that you spend every morning gathering his supplies and you often have to drive him to school, making you late. I am sensing that the consequences for your son's disorganization are falling heavily on you and not him. If he were to have to feel some hardships because of his actions, he might be more motivated to improve.

Updated: Fri Apr 28, 2017

Homework Slackers and a Fake Identification Card for 04/22/2017

Dear Family Coach: Neither of my kids (13- and 15-year-old boys) do any homework without prodding, and then they don't even bother to turn it in. It's like they have no ownership of their schoolwork. Please help me help them before they flunk out. — Concerned Dad

Dear Concerned: I'll give you my recommendation, but I can tell you right now you won't like it. Stop prodding them immediately. That means you must cease asking about homework completely. At their ages, it is their responsibility — and only their responsibility — to know the homework, complete it and then get it to the right person for grading. Your constant prodding isn't doing them any favors.

Updated: Sat Apr 22, 2017