Catherine Pearlman's Blog, page 8

Questioning Cursing and a Hickey for 06/24/2017

Dear Family Coach: My 7-year-old son says some of the other kids at school are cursing or talking about sexual things that he doesn't understand. He asks me what these words mean. Should I tell him the truth or make something up? I don't want to make a fool of him, but I also don't think he is ready for all of these concepts. — Not Ready Dad

Dear Dad: I have a friend in his 40s who has told me a story from his boyhood. When he asked his father about sex, he lied and made up some ludicrous nonsense (either because he was embarrassed or caught off guard). It took my friend but a few weeks to learn Pop was offering bad information, and he never sought his guidance in such areas again. Not only did he lose faith in his father but he also repeated that nonsense response to friends, who then laughed at his ignorance.

Updated: Sat Jun 24, 2017

First Sleep-Away Camp and a Break From the Kids for 06/23/2017

Dear Family Coach: My 10-year-old son is heading out for his first summer of sleep-away camp. He'll be gone for three weeks. I'm so excited for him but also nervous. He was excited at first, too, but now he seems more nervous and anxious. How can I help him make the most of camp and not waste time being homesick? — Camp Mom

Dear Camp Mom: It is certainly normal for both of you to feel excited and anxious about your son heading to camp for the first time. Our minds tend to wander to unpleasant places when we don't know what to expect. But camp is one of the best gifts parents can give their children. Let's set him up for success this summer.

Updated: Fri Jun 23, 2017

A Moody Preteen and a Toddler Hitter for 06/17/2017

Dear Family Coach: My daughter is almost 11, and she's a good kid. She's polite, responsible and generally good-natured. But I can see her becoming more moody, and sometimes she can become a bit disrespectful when she's grumpy. I'm trying to figure out what to let pass and what to address. I find it especially hard to ignore when we're in public because it's embarrassing. So far, I've kept my comments brief, saying "I don't like that tone of voice," and then speaking to her a bit when we're not in the moment. Is that enough? — New to Being Teen Mom

Dear Teen Mom: I think you answered your own question. You mentioned that you already have a polite and responsible child. Being a bit moody doesn't negate that. But her mood swings do indicate that she is developing and changing, and your parenting approach must change accordingly.

Updated: Sat Jun 17, 2017

Young Dating Relationships and a Fresh Teen for 06/16/2017

Dear Family Coach: My son is in sixth grade, and has a girlfriend. Their relationship mostly consists of texts and an occasional movie date. He likes the girl, but he doesn't communicate very well over text. Recently, the girl's mother approached me asking whether I could tell her daughter that I took my son's phone away so she wouldn't be upset that he didn't text her back for a few days. She also asked me to talk to my son to encourage him to text more often. I'm at a loss. What should I do? — Stuck

Dear Stuck: I guess I shouldn't be shocked about the degree to which some parents will go to protect their children from even the slightest discomfort. Yet I am. A good barometer of a child being ready to date is whether he or she is able to handle the ups and downs of a relationship. This girl, or at least her mother, isn't ready.

Parents should not be intervening in their children's dating relationships. The most important issue isn't shielding this young girl because her boyfriend (if you can even call it that) isn't communicating enough. What's more relevant is teaching both of them what responsible and thoughtful dating looks like. Now seems like a good time to teach this girl that if a boy isn't texting you back, he probably isn't that interested in you. Tell her mother that you won't interfere. Request that she allow her daughter to speak with your son to assess whether he is still interested in dating. If she isn't receptive to helping her daughter understand dating, don't enable her inappropriate interventions.

Updated: Fri Jun 16, 2017

Precocious Puberty and Graduation Conflicts for 06/10/2017

Dear Family Coach: I have a 12-year-old daughter who is rapidly developing into a woman. She is uncomfortable with the attention she is getting due to her new womanly proportions. I see her covering up and wearing excessively baggy clothing. Her confidence is plummeting. How can I empower her to feel comfortable and confident in her new skin? — Puberty's Mom

Dear Mom: Puberty is a process, not an event. Her body may have developed quickly. That doesn't mean her brain, emotions and psyche have caught up. She may come to see her body differently with time, and even embrace it. It's also very possible that as other kids develop, she may become more comfortable seeing her body as the norm, not the exception.

There is nothing wrong with your daughter covering up. Her body isn't shameful. She might just find that it brings less attention when she wears certain items. Let her wear what she feels comfortable wearing without drawing attention to it. The more you push her to feel comfortable in her skin, the less likely she will. Try not to discuss her body at all. Focus instead on her abilities and strengths.

Updated: Sat Jun 10, 2017

Parents Tattling and Splitting a Family for 06/09/2017

Dear Family Coach: My friend's daughter (who is good friends with my daughter) is partying and drinking almost every night. It's the end of the year, and she should be studying. Instead she is posting pictures of herself pounding beers on social media. I'd like to tell my friend because if I were her parent, I would want to know. But my daughter is adamant that it will ruin her friendship. What should I do? — In the Middle

Dear Middle: This situation is complicated because you have competing interests. Your daughter wants to keep her friendship intact, as do you. But the best interest of the child and family is also at stake.

Updated: Fri Jun 09, 2017

A Slacker and Vacation Antics for 06/03/2017

Dear Family Coach: Our daughter is a very gifted volleyball player. Her coaches say she has great potential for a scholarship to a top college. Instead of that information motivating her, it seems to feed her ego. She isn't following through with her coaches' recommendations for training. I'm nagging her constantly because I'm afraid that if I don't, she will blow this opportunity. We are fighting, and it isn't working. Do I have to let this slip through her fingers, or is there something else I can do to push her? — Running out of Time

Dear Running: It never seems like a good time to let our kids fail, does it? All through their childhood, we protect our kids from the pain of their own actions (also known as consequences) because, frankly, we can. It's easy enough to run that homework to school when it's left behind. It doesn't seem like such a big deal to allow a teen to miss school because he wasn't ready for a midterm. And maybe it wasn't so wrong to work through the night completing that diorama because your kid lost interest and didn't budget enough time. Each instance of helpful intervention on its own isn't harmful. But when we cease to let our children experience consequences, we fail to prepare them for the world.

Updated: Sat Jun 03, 2017

Birth Control and Dying Family Dog for 06/02/2017

Dear Family Coach: My 16-year-old daughter has a serious boyfriend. I hope she chooses not to have sex, but if she does, I'd like to ensure I don't become a grandma just yet. I want to put her on birth control, but I also don't want her to think I'm in full support of teenage sex. How can I handle this situation? — Better Safe Than Sorry Mom

Dear Mom: I'm in favor of being real over being in denial. Since you aren't ready to be Grandma and your daughter isn't ready to be Mommy, go ahead and offer birth control options. Making birth control available doesn't force kids to have sex. Touting abstinence doesn't prevent kids from having it either. Many parents make the mistake of pretending sex isn't a possibility. Unfortunately, the price of that fantasy is extraordinarily high. Kids who want to have sex will, regardless of the restrictions or complications.

Updated: Fri Jun 02, 2017

A Teacher Crush and Lousy Gift Givers for 05/27/2017

Dear Family Coach: My son is 12, and he clearly has a crush on his math teacher. I've noticed little notes he's written about her. I'm worried he will say something embarrassing or cross the line in some way. How should I approach this situation? — Mom o' Loverboy

Dear Mom: I'm pretty sure this was a plotline for an episode of "The Brady Bunch" and Carol solved the problem with some fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies and a backyard potato sack race. While real life isn't quite as simple, this isn't a problem to lose sleep over.

Updated: Sat May 27, 2017

Coach Dad and Fixing Family Dinner for 05/26/2017

Dear Family Coach: I've been coaching my 10-year-old son's baseball team for a few years. I enjoy spending the time together, but it seems like I have a more difficult time coaching my own son. Do you have any tips for how I can be more effective with my own kid? — Coach

Dear Coach: There is something heartwarming and nostalgic about a father and son heading off to practice together with bats and gloves in hand. But the reality is that coaching one's child is, as you mentioned, difficult. Being a coach is very different than being a parent, and sometimes what's needed for one role contradicts what's needed for the other. When you are both, it's confusing to know when to push hard and when to simply be supportive.

Updated: Fri May 26, 2017