Catherine Pearlman's Blog, page 10

Brother Calls Sister Fat and Awful Piano Lessons for 04/21/2017

Dear Family Coach: My 15-year-old son repeatedly calls his little sister "Fat A—." These words are demeaning and taking a toll on my shy and big-for-her-age 9-year-old daughter. We have made him apologize, taken privileges away, had him do push-ups and given him lots of other punishments. Do you have any suggestions to nip this in the bud? — Horrified Mom

Dear Mom: Ouch! I can't think of anything that will give a young girl a body image complex more than a meddlesome older brother calling her Fat A—. That's a tough one for her to stomach, and for you. Unfortunately, all of your actions are only encouraging your son rather than helping him reform his demeaning ways. Every time you or your daughter comment on his mean words, he gets lots of attention. It may be negative attention, but it's clearly still rewarding to him. If your punishments outweighed the benefits, he would stop acting this way. Since he hasn't stopped, a completely different tact is in order.

Updated: Fri Apr 21, 2017

A School Trip Away from Home and College Tours for 04/15/2017

Dear Family Coach: My daughter is 13. At the end of the academic calendar, her school is going on a four-day class trip to Washington, D.C. She's a homebody and does not want to go. But I think it's important for her confidence, sense of self-worth, etc. I know I can't physically force her to go ... but can I make her go? — Well-Traveled

Dear Well-Traveled: I think you pretty much answered your own question. No, you can't make her go. To start with, there's the logistical problem of how you would physically force a 13-year-old to get on a bus. I'm envisioning a massive scene with your daughter crying, holding on to the car door and feeling embarrassed and afraid. Then there is the issue of the constant calls you would receive at all hours from the chaperones asking for your help because they are out of tools to comfort her. In the worst-case scenario, I imagine a possibility that you end up having to pay for a ticket to visit D.C. in order to pick her up because she has been sent home for uncontrollable hysterics. Is this what you really want for your daughter?

Updated: Sat Apr 15, 2017

Curious About Death and Dog Naming for 04/14/2017

Dear Family Coach: Lately, my 8-year-old son has been begging me to take him to a cemetery. He seems very curious about death, and I'm both uncomfortable and confused. We never talk about death or watch movies about death, yet it's on his mind. I can't imagine ushering him through a cemetery. What should I do? — R.I.Parent

Dear R.I.P.: Walking through a cemetery is an incredible experience, especially when you aren't there to bury someone. When people choose to be buried, I'm guessing they are hoping that someone will go there to visit their graves. It seems like a mitzvah (a good deed) to head there for the sole purpose of honoring those who rest there.

Updated: Fri Apr 14, 2017

Mom's Excessive Worry and a Poor Sport for 04/08/2017

Dear Family Coach: This is probably going to sound weird. My children are 5 and 7. They're happy, healthy and well-adjusted, but I'm always afraid they're about to die. I check their breathing several times per night. Sometimes I even call the school office to make sure they're OK. I hate being this way, but I can't help it. What is there to do? — Scared Mom

Dear Scared: What you are describing is anxiety that you are directing at the health and safety of your children. Just like a hypochondriac fears every little ache is a terminal illness, you ascribe major risk to your children's everyday lives. Yes, it is true that some children die from SIDS or a car accident. However, the majority of children are kept safe using commonsense precautions.

Updated: Sat Apr 08, 2017

Long Drives with Technology and Senior Trips for 04/07/2017

Dear Family Coach: When we go on vacation, the trips often include long drives. My wife thinks it's perfectly fine for the kids to use their electronic devices for a big chunk of the journey. She says it's their downtime. I strongly disagree. Why do they need to be staring at screens for so long? What do you think? — Car-Sick Dad

Dear Dad: While there are certainly limits that should be enforced when it comes to iPads, iPhones, Kindles, etc., I do believe that it's OK to exceed set boundaries under certain circumstances. Do you remember being a child stuck in the back seat of Mom and Dad's station wagon on the annual drive from New York to Florida? My family never drove that far, but I can tell you it was mind-numbingly boring. There was constant bickering, and oftentimes my parents had to place a divide between my sister and me. They would put her on the seat and me on the floor with the crumbs.

Updated: Fri Apr 07, 2017

Getting a Job and Online Gaming Dangers for 04/01/2017

Dear Family Coach: My daughter is 16 and wants a job to save money for college. The other day, she interviewed at a local store. She will likely get the job. Unfortunately, I have a longstanding boycott of this establishment due to some of its policies. Should I stop her from working there or get out of her way? — Activist Mom

Dear Mom: Step aside, and let your daughter work where she wishes. It's wonderful that she wants to enter the workforce at her age. She took the time to apply for a job and had a successful interview. That's a big accomplishment. Don't step on it by poo-pooing the establishment or forcing her to back away from the potential job. Instead, celebrate her desire to make a contribution to the family finances and her interest in saving for college.

Updated: Sat Apr 01, 2017

When Your Child Is Sexted for 03/31/2017

Dear Family Coach: A boy in my 14-year-old daughter's class sexted her a picture of his privates. He asked her a few times whether she wanted to see the picture, and she declined. But he wore her down, and eventually, she said it was OK to send the picture. How should we handle this? — Freaked Out Parents

Dear Freaked: Unfortunately, young adults are given this very powerful tool to communicate with their peers at the exact moment they are least able to control their impulses. Hormonal teens notoriously struggle to think through their actions and view potential consequences as real and present danger. To make matters worse, they tend to view adults as nincompoops who don't know anything. So many teens lack the knowledge of how to act appropriately online.

Updated: Fri Mar 31, 2017

Forgetting Homework and Bottle Games for 03/25/2017

Dear Family Coach: I just found out that my 10-year-old daughter has been forgetting to complete or submit school assignments. She does well on assignments when she does them. But she often gets sidetracked in her imagination or just forgets to turn in completed work. How can I help her get organized and stay focused before missing assignments derail her? — Lost Parents

Dear Parents: Your daughter's issue has nothing to do with ability. It has everything to do with executive function and attention to detail. Executive skills relate to being able to plan, organize and remember to follow through with tasks. She may also have difficulty breaking complex tasks into steps, causing her to stop doing an activity when she gets overwhelmed. She may even come up with alternative assignments to avoid doing what was assigned.

Updated: Sat Mar 25, 2017

Lying About the Tooth Fairy and Family Time for 03/24/2017

Dear Family Coach: I don't believe in lying to my children about anything. We take an active role in showing our kids that Cinderella is a fictional character, as is Mickey Mouse. This year, my oldest lost his first tooth. Unbeknownst to us, he was excited for the tooth fairy to come. The next morning, he cried heartily when nothing was under his pillow. I was planning on telling him that there is no tooth fairy, but my friends said I was horrible to not let him enjoy the fantasy. What do you think? — Honest Mom

Dear Mom: You say you don't believe in lying about anything. Let's put that to the test. Imagine your son works for weeks at school on a Mother's Day necklace for you, but since he's just a tyke, it's awful. When he looks up at you with pride and asks, "Do you like it?" what will you tell him? If your answer is that you would honestly tell him that you appreciate his effort but you actually don't love it, then yes, you are a horrible person.

Updated: Fri Mar 24, 2017

Fat Shaming and Showing Privates for 03/18/2017

Dear Family Coach: This morning, my 9-year-old came into my room to ask whether she is fat. I was devastated because I'm exceptionally careful to project a positive female body image. I never discuss weight around her. I don't know where this is coming from, and I don't know how to handle it without creating a bigger issue. For the record, she isn't even remotely overweight. Help! — Disappointed Mom

Dear Disappointed: It seems no matter how conscientious parents are it's impossible to keep the word "fat" out of the vocabulary of young girls. What a shame. Unfortunately, women and their bodies are discussed ad nauseam in the media. While men are often judged by what they say and do, women are critiqued on how they look. Fat shaming is quite prevalent on social media as well. All of this adds up to an impossible position for parents.

Updated: Sat Mar 18, 2017