Helene Lerner's Blog, page 173

How to Get Your New Year's Resolutions Back On Track

We’re only halfway through January, but chances are that many of us have already tossed our good-meaning New Year’s Resolutions by the wayside. Our holiday vacations come to an end, we get back to the real world, and suddenly those plans don’t seem as feasible as they did in the champagne-soaked early hours of the New Year. But don’t give up on them just yet – you made those resolutions for a reason, so here are some ways to reassess your goals and your plan of attack to find success in 2013.

Remember why you set them. You didn’t vow to exercise more regularly or quit smoking cigarettes out of boredom – you did it because you know it will provide great physical, mental, and financial rewards. Write down what you will gain by sticking to your guns, whether it be a better body image, more self-esteem, or a few extra bucks in your wallet at the end of the week. 

Discover what is holding you back. You made it to the gym five times the first week of the year and you felt great, but then work piled up and you were too tired to workout after a day at the office. Instead of giving up your goal, reassess your approach –wake up an hour early and go to the gym in the morning instead. You might have to make some adjustments to your life to fit your goals into it. 

Ensure that what you want is realistic. If you vowed to lose 10 pounds by the end of the month, you may be disheartened to see that you’ve only lost three at the halfway point. If you tell yourself you’ll never reach your goal, you are discounting the great progress you have made so far. Instead, make a feasible plan based on your current accomplishments – plan to continue to lose three pounds every two weeks. It may take you a little longer to reach your final destination, but you will get there. 

Celebrate your successes. New Year’s Resolutions are not meant to induce guilt; they are to help you lead a more fulfilling life. Be sure to take the time to reward yourself for staying the course – treat yourself to a manicure after you finally clean out the basement, or get a massage when you complete your first six-mile run. Having something to look forward to will help you focus day-to-day. And be sure to embrace the joy that comes with accomplishing a goal. 

–Lindsay Putnam

How Are You Courageous?

Courage can be one of the most difficult virtues to envision, but you need not face mortal danger to display it. You use your courage every time you take a smart risk, when you do something new, and when you complete a task despite your own self-doubts. Read this compilation of quotes from some of society's most prolific leaders, past and present, and reflect on the last time you were courageous. 

–Video by Nina Giordano 

How Do You Deal With Others When You're Angry?

Not all days are good ones -- the occassional bad one can always slip through the cracks. Learning how to balance your thoughts and your emotions on those difficult days can seem like an impossible task. To find out how some women cope, we asked the WomenWorking community the big question: "When you are angry, what have you found is most effective in dealing with another person?" Here are some of the answers below -- be sure to take some pointers from these women!

Cassie Walters: Time and thought!

Kay Tee: For me silence -- I don't say anything until I cool off. 

Darcy Uhrich: Putting myself in the other person's shoes. Can I say anything that will make the situation better? What really happened and why? In other words, think before you speak. 

PhatPhat Memoirs: Step away. Be to myself. Write out my anger/frustration. REGROUP and then talk when I'm calm.

Rowena Fenlon: Anger is not a useful emotion. It needs to be managed away from anyone it can damage. 

Want to share your input? Be sure to like our Facebook page to contribute to the insightful conversations. You can also find us on Twitter. 

Career Coach: Improve Your Relationship With Your Boss

I received a question the other day, “What if you have been in the same position for 10 years and have not been valued? I have told my boss all of the stuff I have done well but have been overlooked for advancements. What advice would you give?”

When situations like this arise at work, we often look at results to help offer an explanation. If you have done excellent work, increased revenue for the company, and get great feedback from customers, you probably feel you deserve a raise or promotion. However, what others think of you can make or break those opportunities for advancement. Where there’s smoke there is often fire, and if you are not moving forward after making your ambitions and qualifications clear, then there is a “good” reason in the minds of decision-makers.

To find out what that is, you must ask for feedback. This isn’t comfortable, but it’s necessary to your process of working with what is there. With information, you can begin to create a different story about you and improve the support for your goals. Long-standing impressions – over 10 years, for example – aren’t easy to change, but you can. Here are the three steps:

Ask for feedback. Meet with each individual who matters to your success. Let them know you are serious about improving your value and career opportunities in the organization. Ask for their honest impressions of you in your role – it helps to give them specific areas, such as being a team player, being a good communicator, etc. This gives more structure for their feedback. And when the impulse to explain yourself arises, don’t do it – it only comes across as defensive. Take notes and thank them when you are finished.

Return for some advice. Let them know that you have a focus you are committed to working on. Request up to three things you could do that would make a difference for them in the area, i.e. listening empathically or developing a partnership. If you get further feedback or a complaint about a behavior that triggered a negative experience for them, you can ask clarifying questions and offer an apology for any perceived offense in the past, however unintentional. Say thanks and that you’ll get back with them about your plan.

Reflect on this information. Keep the new behavior or action simple and realistic, and get back with your stakeholders to let them know what behaviors they can look for from you. Ask them for assistance in supporting your plan by giving you feedback on occasion. This enlists their support and ensures they will pay attention to your behavior changes. Be sure to check in with them about once a month for further feedback.

–Andrea Zintz, Career Coach 

Don't let anyone pull you down

 

Don't let people who are jealous of your light, pull you down.  Always remember:

You are magnificent

You are creative

You have heart

You have a gut sense of what's right

You are powerful

You have the ability to change the conversation

You have great insight

You mentor others and pay it forward.

Seeing Life Through a Different Lens

Bonnie Lautenberg has been snapping pictures for as long as she can remember, but it wasn't until she captured a photo of Bill Clinton, Yasser Arafat, and Yitzhak Rabin at the Isreali Palestinian Peace Accord in 1993 that she realized those photographs could make an impact on the world. Watch as Bonnie discusses her latest projects, including photographs of celebrities from Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama to Lady Gaga. 

–Video by Nina Giordano

Authentic Leadership: The Time Has Come – Are You Ready?

Frequently, we consider leadership to be associated with a title, position, or an individual's charisma. And often I have heard people say, “Leadership is not for me,” “It is too political for me,” “I am happy with my simple life,” or “I don't want so much responsibility.” Clearly, there is need for a new definition of leadership. I believe that leadership is based on two solid foundations – authenticity and accountability.

Many books have been written on leadership. However, I am basing my observations on my personal experiences. I believe leadership is a journey, there is no end to learning about leadership and it is something that we all have. Embracing the leader in us is a responsibility, more so in women who are shying away from owning and expressing their leadership.

Authenticity. I have been a business professional and an entrepreneur and have had the opportunity to work in, lead, and build many teams. Most recently, I found myself on a team where there was a lack of vision and transparency, and no sense of collaboration and trust. There was a part of me that wanted to attribute this feeling to “being the only woman on that team.” Now that would have been inauthentic. So, I chose to confront my fears and spoke my mind to my boss. I believe many times women worry a lot about what others might think and about the negative consequences if they spoke up. My thinking is that if you are interested in an outcome that benefits the team and has a positive impact then there is nothing to worry about. Being authentic and having the courage to speak your mind is the true sign of leadership. Authentic leadership is bringing who you are and what you stand for to any environment.

Accountability. There is a lot of value in taking ownership and being responsible for results. Early in my career, I was asked by a manager to lead a team of five people. I was scared when he called on me. I went to him and told him that I was not ready. The people he was asking me to manage were older than me and I did not have enough experience. He looked at me and smiled. He said, “You are ready and you can do it.” From that point onwards, I took full responsibility of the team from project deadlines to making sure I empowered everyone on the team. I chose to have an open cube environment where every team member sat in a similar kind of office space, built an environment of open communication and respect. This was the kind of place where I wanted to come to work. Subconsciously, I made it my challenge for every member to enjoy their work and feel valuable. To my surprise, all the elder members never took offense and guided me on client issues and shared their valuable life lessons. It is here that I found that accountability is the foundation on which leaders build trust – they say what they are going to do and then go do it.

This year I want all professional woman to embrace the leader in them and raise the bar on leadership. Here are three steps you can take to boost your authenticity and accountability:

1. Speak up. Don’t think too much about the opinions of others. 

2. Don’t give up before you leave. Stay in the game until you choose to exit. 

3. Show up no matter what. Deliver on your promise and keep your feelings and emotions aside.

May the leader in you prevail.

–Deepika Bajaj

Career Coach: Want to Have More Quality Time With Your Children?

In my line of work, I get a lot of questions about work and personal life. While we try to separate our work from the rest of our lives, our identities very much involve both. This gets more complicated when we add parenting. Lately I’ve been hearing many questions about how two working parents can create a loving environment at home, or how parents can leave emotional baggage behind at work to enjoy positive time with the family at home.

The source of answers to these dilemmas is within us. I recently read a blog by Marji Zintz, who calls herself a “Peaceful Parenting Whisperer.” Marji points out that the common thread of parental troubles is a disconnect from Mindful Presence, the condition when a parent is fully present for the child. In her blog post, Three Steps to Mindful Presence, she helps the reader identify how telling untrue stories about our feelings can interfere with the connection to our True Self. Using the three strategies below, parents can begin to regain their connection to themselves and to their children.

Accept your feelings. Understand that your feelings are beneficial tools that serve a purpose. We can make important use of the information that these feelings provide.

Recognize untrue feelings. You may be telling yourself false beliefs about your emotions. The impact of saying “I’m angry” is different than saying “I’m feeling angry.” This careful – and mindful – use of language helps clear the path to our True Self, and helps us better interpret the messages we are receiving and act on them more efficiently.

Move forward. Determine an action that you can take to alleviate the condition that’s causing the feeling. Marji points out that we have incredible inner wisdom to address these feelings and determine actions that move us forward. We can be there fully for our children – with presence of mind – and this makes for quality parenting.

–Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

Make Your Salad More Unique

We all know what it takes to make the most basic of salads – lettuce, tomatoes, and cucumbers coated in store-bought dressing. But why not put together a dish that is both nutritious and packed with flavor? There are some interesting salad recipes out there, combining the traditional with the unexpected. Try combining more fruits and vegetables, and experiment with protein. This recipe includes cabbage, pears, black beans, and corn – intriguing, yes? And don’t shy away from the wholegrain mustard; I’m not a big fan of the neon yellow condiment-version, but the wholegrains add a great taste and texture. 

Black Bean & Pear Salad (Serves 2)

1 cup red cabbage, sliced thinly
2 pears, cubed
1 cup canned sweet corn
1 cup canned black beans
1/2 cup red onion, sliced thinly
2 tsp olive oil
2 TBSP lemon juice
1 tsp wholegrain mustard
1/4 cup sunflower or chia seeds
Salt and pepper, to taste

-After slicing the red cabbage, pears, and red onion, combine in a salad bowl with the corn, black beans, and seeds. 
-Mix olive oil, lemon juice, mustard, salt and pepper to create the dressing. 
-Toss the salad with the dressing and serve. 

For protein, I added grilled chicken in a simple marinade. Mix 4 TBSP olive oil, 3 TBSP lemon juice, and 1 TBSP whole grain mustard in a bowl, then let the chicken marinade for an hour before cooking. 

–Lindsay Putnam

Career Coach: The Two Ways to Create Executive Presence

When you see a woman who wows you in a positive way, what is it about her that creates this reaction? Is it the way she dresses, her makeup, or the way she carries herself? Is it what she says and how she says it? Executive presence is an important aspect of how we evaluate who we’ll listen to and believe. We have called this quality charisma, and have assumed it is something we are born with. Can we develop our executive presence? Yes. So what is it, really? It’s a combination of grace and gravitas. 

What is grace? When we see someone that we think is classy, this is an aspect of grace. It is a demeanor of calm confidence that is authentically projected through eye contact, facial expression, style, and voice. Think of those women who come to mind for you. How loudly is this person speaking? Is her handshake firm? Does she look you straight in the eye with a warm, pleasant expression? This is all part of embodying and projecting grace. 

What is gravitas? Gravitas is about substance – about not being superficial. It is knowing the business you are in at a substantial level. It is about backing your opinions or assertions with evidence. Women with gravitas can participate in serious business conversations on topics such as budget, marketing, and people strategies. Think about women you think demonstrate this quality. Do they have depth? Do they weigh in on issues, innovate, and take risks? The women with gravitas compete on the basis of facts, data, and a high degree of integrity. Hilary Clinton has gravitas. Margaret Thatcher and Angela Merkel have it, too. 

It is the authentic balance of grace and gravitas that, in combination, earn a woman executive presence. This is achieved through relationships, building trust, partnerships, and creating value. With executive presence, you can earn credibility more quickly and influence others more easily. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

How do colleagues describe their experience of me? What words they use to do this? Am I happy with what I am hearing?
What three things, if I focused on how I embody and project grace and gravitas, would make the biggest difference in my impact? What is the payoff for me, if I make these changes?
What will it take to develop these qualities through how I think, feel, and behave? How will I measure my progress?

–Andrea Zintz, Career Coach