Helene Lerner's Blog, page 171

Career Coach: The Partnership Vital To Your Effectiveness

Did you know you have a partnership between your two minds – your conscious and subconscious? Our subconscious works tirelessly to fulfill our psychological needs by embodying strategies using our deep knowledge and habits. We also have our conscious mind, which is incredibly slow and focuses on single tasks, sporadically intervening with the subconscious mind to modify our two strategies. In other words, our conscious mind directs our subconscious mind in what we do. So how can you increase the partnership between the two to be at your best in everything you do? 

Like any partnership, when the partnership is working well both parties benefit. But when the partnership breaks down, both parties suffer. Think of your subconscious mind as a professional “athlete” and your conscious mind as its dedicated “coach.” Just as the athlete and coach share a common goal to maximize performance, so do your subconscious and conscious minds. It’s a life-long partnership that has great impact on your effectiveness. Fortunately, it is fully within your control. These three tips will help you form a successful partnership:

Shared goals. Both minds must share the goal of self-effectiveness. This breaks down every time you feel like wallowing in self-pity or being a victim of a bad situation. For instance, if you misinterpret your anger as evidence of wrongdoing, then you’ll be forced between telling yourself you don’t have a right to be angry and blaming someone else for your own ineffectiveness. Instead, consciously ask yourself what right you believe you have in this situation, and then how you might go about asserting it. 

Differentiated roles. Both minds must play their appointed role and trust the other to do its job. This breaks down when your conscious mind invalidates the emotions coming from your subconscious. This leaves the conscious mind spinning in its own thoughts, disconnected from the information coming from the subconscious mind about an important need that requires attention. If you misinterpret your frustration as evidence that you can’t succeed, you’ll be forced to choose between viewing yourself as a failure and making excuses about why it’s not your fault you can’t achieve your goal. Instead, consciously ask yourself what you believe you are trying to achieve and what strategies you might try to go about reaching your goal more effectively. 

Clear communication. Both minds must communicate clearly – the subconscious through emotions and the conscious mind through thought. This breaks down when the conscious mind ignores or misinterprets the emotional messages being sent by the subconscious mind. All of these breakdowns in the partnership between our conscious and subconscious minds have their origins in a single root cause: misinterpreting the meaning of our emotions. Our emotions are important signals about stress and pleasure. 

–Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

What Advice Would You Give Your Younger Self?

The members of the WomenWorking community are smart, experienced, and have knowledge to share. Yesterday we asked this question to our followers on Facebook: "What would you tell your 'younger self' just starting out in her career? What do you know now, that you didn't know then?" Below are some of the insightful responses we received. 

Megan O'Brien Duerring: I would tell myself to always have a mentor and listen to that mentor. Be more willing to learn from those with experience. 

Laura L. Brown: You know more than you realize, listen to your gut, back it up with data, be yourself, there are no limits to what you can do or be, find good mentors, listen to what they say, be adventurous, stay true to your integrity, enjoy the journey, have fun!

Rose Reinhart: You do not need to be married to be whole.

Jamie Pappas Strause: Don't sell yourself short. If you dream it; you can do it. 

Julie Sabia Amicucci DeAngelis: Invest in your 401k as soon as you are eligible and keep contributing!

Kimberly Joyce Dalferes: Never under-estimate or discount a good relationship with the office manager or staff assistant. They know: where all the bodies are buried; how to use all the office machinery; and will have your back if you are loyal. 

Gail Ferguson Smith: You are important and don't let anyone convince you otherwise!

April Nugent: You will never make everyone happy and not everyone is going to like you. But if you are doing the best job you can that is what is important. Don't worry so much about the naysayers because they usually don't change. Just focus on you and your goals. Be good to yourself. 

Entrepreneur Secrets: Start out early in the career of your dreams. Don't settle for just any type of job where you know you will not last or be happy at. It's harder to make the shift from one field to another when you're older. 

Be sure to share your own thoughts on our Facebook page, and follow us on Twitter for more inspirational messages. 

Career Coach: Why You Need Self-Compassion

Sarah made an embarrassing mistake –she neglected to include an important team member on a meeting invitation. She felt so embarrassed that she tried to cover up her error. Erin forgot her assistant’s five-year anniversary. She felt so guilty she beat herself up about it for days. These types of reactions have a cost to others and ourselves. How can we recover from these feelings and find a way to move forward with resilience and increase our performance in the future?

Recent studies by the University of California, Berkeley’s Juliana Breines and Serena Chen have revealed that it is self-compassion – not self-esteem – that enhances effectiveness. Self-compassion, or treating one’s own suffering with the same type of support and compassion offered to others, is more important than self-esteem in developing skills and performance. Self-compassion enables people to accept their mistakes, failures, and shortcomings with kindness. These researchers argue that self-compassion is even more effective when accompanied by accepting responsibility for any unsuccessful outcomes, and using the information to non-punitively improve performance. 

In the study, Breines and Chen asked volunteers to consider an actual personal setback or failure with either self-compassion or self-esteem enhancing perspectives. Volunteers who practiced a self-compassionate perspective tended to view the shortcomings as changeable, and felt more motivation to improve performance by avoiding the same mistake in the future. Being kind to ourselves, as we might our best friend, is a powerful way to find our center after a mistake or poor performance. 

But what can Sarah and Erin do to use these feelings to create a pathway to greater effectiveness? Sarah can use her feeling of embarrassment to promote acceptance by self and others by asking herself, “What strategy can I use to gain acceptance in light of my mistake?” Erin can use her feeling of guilt to foster great accountability by asking herself, “What strategies might I use to uphold my ethic around remembering special occasions?” 

Our self-compassion is an important gift we give ourselves in an expression of love and kindness. Listening to our emotions for the important messages they send us can make a big difference to our performance. 

–Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

Be focused, make it happen!

That's the advice of Eleni Gianopulos, who started a thriving business, Eleni's New York, several years ago. We caught up with her last Friday and she talked about the choices she's made that have paid off. She decided that her products would be "nut free" for children who had allergies to cookies and desserts. Be inspired by her company's growth, and know that if you have a dream, you can make it happen too.

–Video by Nina Giordano

Be focused, don't be afraid, make it happen!

That's the advice of Eleni Gianopulos, who started a thriving business, Eleni's New York, several years ago. We caught up with her last Friday and she talked about the choices she's made that have paid off. She decided that her products would be "nut free" for children who had allergies to cookies and desserts. Be inspired by her company's growth, and know that if you have a dream, you can make it happen too.

–Video by Nina Giordano

Do you assert yourself enough?

Here are some questions to ask yourself to determine if you let your voice be heard when it counts.

Do you find yourself saying yes when you really mean no?

Do you hold yourself back rather than say what you feel?

Do you offer your ideas when you know you can make a difference?

If you have trouble answering any of these questions, you are probably not sharing yourself as fully as you can.

Let's explore why you may be giving your power away instead of asserting yourself. You may be:

Listening to negative mind-talk
We have a critical voice that can stop us from moving forward. Once you spot it, you can diffuse it. Be aware throughout the day of what you are telling yourself. Take on a new thought and step into your power.

Not thinking big enough
You may be thinking too small. Are you aware of all your talents and gifts?
Are you putting them to use? You have a unique destiny to fulfill. When you know that, it is easier to step up and come from a position of strength.

Not saying YES when it matters
There are times to say no, especially when you are spread too thin. But when you know from your head and heart that you need to step up, DO. You don't have to feel confident, just "act as if" you are.

Always Remember Your Strengths

Each day, you come up against challenges and resistance as you continue to reach your goals. Don't let those obstacles hold you back. You must fight through them with strength and resilience, and doing so will make you stronger. Remember, you got this. 

—Video by Nina Giordano

The Top Networking Blunders to Avoid

Networking is the best way to get yourself noticed, whether you’re on the job hunt or simply trying to extend contacts in your field. But it’s more than just nametags and happy hours – it’s about developing a professional persona and enhancing savvy communication. To hone these skills, here are some networking mistakes to avoid:

Don’t come unprepared. Before you walk in the door, know what you are after – whether it’s employment opportunities or new clients. And plan how you will introduce yourself, with one or two accomplishments you would like to share. 

Don’t focus on yourself. While a potential contact may want to hear about your latest job, she doesn’t want a play-by-play of your last five years. Instead, make sure to share your strengths, and make it clear how they could benefit her.

Don’t bend the truth. It’s always best not to lie. If you drop the name of a mutual contact you don’t know well, but claim is a close friend, it may get you a job interview. But sooner or later, the truth is going to come out, and your reputation will be in serious jeopardy. Better stick to the truth – your accomplishments will carry enough weight. 

Don’t expect a job offer. If you’re looking for employment, networking is a great first step. But don’t go in expecting to walk out with an offer in hand – it’s the first stage of developing a new relationship. If a woman shares that she is unsure of how to extend her social media reach, offer to sit down with her and develop a strategy. If she is impressed with your work, then mention you are searching for a new job. Chances are she will pick up the phone and try to help you. 

Don’t forget to follow up. The work you do at a networking event will be meaningless if you don’t follow through afterward. If you tell a new contact that you will send him your resume, then do it immediately. Be sure to send thank-you notes, preferably by hand, within three days. These gestures will be remembered down the road when you reach out for a favor or job opportunity. 

–Lindsay Putnam

Maddy Schaffrick's Riding on a Dream

On Saturday, January 26, Maddy Schaffrick will strap on her snowboard and compete in the Women’s Snowboard SuperPipe at the Winter X Games in Aspen, CO. Many of the top athletes from around the world in skiing, snowboarding, and snowmobiling will be in attendance. For this 18-year-old, it’s a dream come true. 

“I was inspired to try snowboarding by watching the X Games on television with my dad,” Maddy recalls. “The next winter, my parents rented me my first snowboard and I took lessons.” 

That was eleven years ago – since then, she has kept her sights on making a career out of her passion. “Going pro was something I wanted to do from the beginning. Since I was first introduced to snowboarding through the X Games, I wanted to be as good as the people there. And now I’m here myself.” 

After several years of practice and dedication, Maddy made her professional debut in 2008. In that first year alone, she took home fourth at the USSA Grand Prix in Copper Mountain, CO, won third at the USSA Grand Prix in Killington, VT, and won both the Best Trick and Most Progressive Rider awards at the CoverGirl Snow Angels invitational in Snowmass, CO in back-to-back years. 

“My first professional competition was such a trip,” Maddy remembers. “I couldn’t believe that I was not only riding the same half pipe as the girls who inspired me to snowboard in the first place, but that I was competing against them. It was hard to wrap my head around, to say the least.” 

For Maddy, one of the hardest parts has been balancing snowboarding and the rest of her life. She stayed enrolled in public school as she began her career, and is currently taking classes at Westminster College. 

The past year has been a busy one for Maddy, as she hopes to qualify for the 2014 Winter Olympics. She placed third at the Winter Dew Tour in 2012 and fourth in 2011, as well as second as the US Grand Prix in Copper, CO. “I’m going to do my best to compete at the upcoming Olympics,” she says. “It would be an honor and such an amazing experience.” 

For more coverage of female athletes, read about freestyle skier Grete Eliassen, judo gold medalist Kayla Harrison, and triathlete Jenny Fletcher. 

–Lindsay Putnam

Three Keys to Making the Best Choices

Are you the master of your own destiny? You bet you are! Although it may be more convenient or even comfortable to blame others for what occurs in your life, the fact is that you control your destiny. You do so by the multitude of choices you make each and every day. You can change your life by changing the choices you make! 

The quality of your life is the sum of all the daily choices you make. You choose what to eat and whether you will get some exercise.  You choose what you put in your mind, and choose the people with whom you interact.  You will make hundreds of other decisions that directly impact the quality of your life. 

When you make a series of new choices, you build new habits. Some of these choices will have an immediate impact, while others will have an impact days or even weeks later. But, make no mistake about it; the multitude of choices you make today will have an enormous impact on the quality of your life. 

An important guideline for you in making the best choices, is to strive for the ones that reflect your core values, answer your salient needs, and bring you peace, energy, and are aligned with your passionate purpose. Use the following three questions when contemplating any action to dramatically improve the quality of your choices, and ultimately, the quality of your life:

Will this choice bring me peace? Our feelings communicate a great deal about whether an action will produce stressful feelings or bring us closer to peace. When you evaluate your choices in light of the impact on your sense of peace, you will automatically consider the emotions at play, which can lead you to adaptive thinking and better strategies for meeting your needs.

Will this choice add to my energy? The essence of all life on earth is energy. Everything we choose to do either adds to our energy or depletes it.  Too often, we can feel our life is just a relentless set of demands we have to meet, and too rarely a source of satisfaction. This question leads you to choices that get you more in control of your days, such as getting sufficient sleep every night, moving more, eating less and more often, investing in those you love, learning, and giving thanks.

Will this choice advance my purpose? Ultimately, the quality of our life is shaped by our ability to live “on purpose.” Everything we do either supports or works against our purpose. When you regularly evaluate your choices in light of the impact on your purpose, you will move towards the passionate purpose that makes for a meaningful life.

The more you take the time to ask yourself these questions whenever you make a choice, the better and more in charge of your life you'll feel.

—Andrea Zintz, Career Coach