Helene Lerner's Blog, page 169

Want to know a great lady?

I just came back from a Hay House "I Can Do It" Ignite weekend. Dr. Wayne Dyer started off the event and he was amazing. At one point during his three hour presentation, he called up to the stage, Jessie's mother. Jessie was a young six-year-old boy who was killed during the recent Connecticut school tragedy. He went into the line of fire to save some of his classmates. This wonderful woman talked about Jessie's courage, and when she shared, only love emanated from her.

On the second day my friend Louise Hay and Cheryl Richardson spoke to us. Louise is proud of her 86 years on the planet. She is one of my Sheroes. She talked about how important it is to love ourselves and honor the child within us.

How do we do that? Here are a few of her suggestions:

Let go of criticism, offer praise instead.

Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself only good things.

Start your day with appreciation, rather than dreading the challenges to come.

Be conscious of your thoughts and choose to think positively.

This great lady has helped so many people come into their authentic power. I love you Louise.

Career Coach: Keep Your Happiness on Track

Wednesday we talked about Francis, a Nurse Practitioner, and her four “Rules for Happiness” at work. Today, we are going to look at our “Happiness Rules” from a different angle — what rules or beliefs do we have that derail our happiness? I’m going to look at three common rules that we may have that more often than not sabotage our happiness. For most of us, they are deep down in our subconscious. They can make us absolutely miserable in a moment’s notice – but we don’t even see them coming. Are you curious about what these rules are?

1. “I’ll be happy when…” (I lose weight, I get my promotion…)

2. “I would be happier if…” (I were not in so much debt, my boss were more supportive…)

3. “I’m usually happy until…” (I get criticized; I get stuck in bad traffic…)

Do any of these happiness busters seem familiar to you? If so, you are not alone! We have all learned “Rules for Happiness” along the way, but not all of them make for happiness, peace of mind, and fulfillment. Here’s the thing about rules – we think they are important and should be followed. That’s what we were taught at home, school, and even at work. That’s not necessarily a bad thing; rules can simplify our lives, help us get along, and keep us out of serious trouble. But we need to examine our rules and see if they’re helping us or hurting us – especially when it comes to our happiness. 

If you are ready to boost your joy, become conscious of when one or more of these rules disturb your happiness at work, home, or play. Pay attention the next time you are overly frustrated, disappointed, or feel discouraged – dig a little deeper and see if one of these rules has ruined the moment for you. Then, switch to a better rule. For instance, instead of thinking, “I would be happier if I were not in so much debt,” adopt a new rule that says, “The happier I become, the faster I will get out of debt.” That’s a much better rule because the happier we are, the more creative and productive we will be. The more creative and productive we are, the most likely we are to get out of debt – and enjoy life along the way!

Why not think about what rules you have had about happiness? Identify the ones that derail your happiness, and then make up a new list of rules – ones that will fuel your happiness. 

-Alan Allard, Career Coach

 

Appreciate Yourself and Others Today

Valentine's Day – a day full of hearts, roses, chocolates, and love. But these are not reserved just for a romantic partner; instead, show everyone in your life how much you care today. Spend the day being kind to those around you, but most importantly, to yourself. Enjoy these thoughts on love from some of today's most influential women. Happy Valentine's Day!

–Video by Nicolena Basso

Career Coach: What Are Your "Happiness Rules?"

Let me tell you about Francis*, a Nurse Practitioner who has an interesting story about happiness and work. A recruiter called her about a job opportunity that would boost her annual income by $35,000. You would think that would get her attention, and it did – for about five minutes. That’s how long it took Francis to tell the recruiter, “Thanks, I’m flattered, but I’m really happy where I am.”

You must think everything is perfect for Francis in order to explain her happiness; but that’s not the case. She is paid far less than she could get at other area hospitals, and she also has a commute of an hour and fifteen minute each way to work – on a good day. On a bad snow day, it can easily become two hours or more. 

So how do you explain Francis saying “no” to more money and to the lure of another hospital seeking her out? It turns out that Francis has identified what she calls her “Rules for Happiness” at work. Here they are:

Interesting and challenging work that allows me to learn and grow. 
A manager that listens and empathizes, even when she can’t give me what I’m asking for. 
A team that I can get along with – even if one or two team members are difficult, if the others balance it out, I’m okay. 
A company that invests in my professional development, such as sending me to conferences. 

That’s it. Francis has four rules for her happiness at work. What about you? Do you know what your rules are? Most of us don’t. But we all have “rules for happiness,” whether we have identified them consciously or not. My challenge to you this week is to identify yours and see if your current job meets your rules or falls short – and consider to what degree your rules are or are not met. Later, you can adapt that question to other areas of your life. 

On Thursday, I will share with you three rules that many of us have (but don’t realize) that get in the way of our happiness. 

*Name has been changed. 

–Alan Allard, Career Coach

 

Need Last Minute Valentine's Day Plans?

People usually have one of two approaches to Valentine’s Day: they prepare weeks in advance for the perfect night, or they wait until February 13th to see if they can put anything together. When you have a full schedule and a mile-long to-do list, it’s easy to fall into the second category. Skip the packed restaurants and expensive shows, and connect with the people you really care for – whether it be a love interest or a great friend – without breaking the bank. Here are some ideas:

Enjoy the season. If you haven’t taken advantage yet, Valentine’s Day makes for a perfect ice-skating date. If you’re fortunate enough to live in a cold climate with outdoor rinks, grab a friend or partner and bundle up. No outdoor rinks? Do a search for ice rinks in your area, you may have one nearby you never knew about. 

Make a furry friend. Regardless of your relationship status, there are a number of animals at your local animal shelter in need of love today. Grab a friend and socialize with the animals – shelters often appreciate volunteers coming in so that the animals can interact with people. If you and your partner have considered getting a pet, this could be a great test-run. 

Be entertained. You don’t have to shell out hundreds for Broadway theatre tickets to have a good time. Try smaller, more intimate venues with a more relaxed atmosphere – karaoke, improv shows, and coffeehouses are great places to start. If your partner is an art or history buff, see if any museums in your area have special events for the night. 

Ignore the crowds. Hate crowded restaurants and bars? Skip the drama and plan a night in. Whip up a delicious meal for two, cue up a Pandora station, and revisit your favorite childhood games. Challenge your partner to a round of Scrabble, Scattergories, Trivial Pursuit, or Pictionary and create your own fun. End the night by going out for dessert after the restaurants have begun to thin out. 

Take pleasure in the little things. Valentine’s Day isn’t about expensive and elaborate gifts; it’s about making memories with the people you love. If you and your partner have decided to stay in for the night, it’s still good to acknowledge the holiday and show that you care. Pack a blanket and a thermos of hot cocoa and venture outside in the early hours to watch the sunrise. It’s a morning you both won’t forget anytime soon. 

–Lindsay Putnam

 

Career Coach: Drop Stress and Begin to Thrive

“Stress management.” I don’t know about you, but there’s something amiss when it comes to the idea of managing your stress. It’s not that toxic stress isn’t a big deal – it is. Toxic stress cuts deeply into our happiness, health, and overall wellbeing. At work, it is responsible for employees taking “mental health” days, and it costs us untold millions of dollars in increased health insurance costs and lost productivity. Away from work, toxic stress wears us down and keeps us from connecting with friends and family. 

So stress is a big deal. Even so, the idea of “stress management” is misguided, and I want to explore an alternative. Here’s why: “Stress management” has the wrong focus – it’s all about stress. Even the solutions offered by stress management are all tied to stress. They are about reducing and avoiding what? Stress! As for me, what I want is to thrive in life. What I suggest is that we shift our energies away from stress management and instead learn how to thrive in life. Wouldn’t you rather pour your life into your dreams and into what is important and meaningful in your life than manage your stress?

Do you see and feel the difference? The topic of stress management focuses on managing what’s not going well in your life. The topic of thriving focuses on what is going well and building on that. Thriving is about asking yourself, “If I were to design my ideal life, what would it look like?” That’s how Positive Psychology was born in 1989. Martin Seligman, Ph.D. began to ask, “How can we foster happiness, health, and well-being instead of just trying to be less unhappy?”

Our focus makes a difference. What we put our attention on and where we invest our energy makes a difference. We need to focus on what is going well in our lives, envision what our ideal life looks like, and play to our strengths. This isn’t to say that we should be in denial about frustrations or pain in our lives – as we focus on what we want, what we don’t want will be taken care of. 

In my book, Seven Secrets to Enlightened Happiness! Living the Life You Were Meant to Live, I suggest that the way to deal with our problems, challenges, and setbacks is to focus on increasing our happiness – and in doing so, we will transcend our problems. We can either focus on managing our stress, or we can focus on how we can tap into our power to thrive in life. We will have challenges and setbacks either way, but how we deal with them will make all the difference. As for me, I’m not concerned about “managing” my stress – I want to focus my mind, body, and spirit in the direction of health, wellbeing, and…thriving. What about you?

–Alan Allard, Career Coach

 

Want to Get Creative with Your Flowers?

Banchet Jaigla, owner of Banchet Flowers, has been putting together stunning and romantic flower arrangements for over 12 years. This entrepreneur discovered her inspiration as a young girl growing up in her native Thailand, and today she continues to surround herself with beauty as all of her flowers are hand-selected from Europe, Asia, Africa, and South America. Watch as she displays some new ideas for flowers this Valentine's Day.

–Video by Nicolena Basso

Career Coach: Progress, Not Perfection

A few years back I had a phone appointment – but not just any phone appointment. I was scheduled to be interviewed by Matt, a reporter for The New York Times for a piece he was writing on influencing others at work. I have to tell you, I was excited about being quoted in The New York Times! We scheduled the appointment for the lunch hour because I was going to be presenting a seminar that day, and it was the only time I had to talk. Did I tell you I was excited about the interview?

I was counting the days – and it finally came. The only problem? I forgot about the appointment until 12:30pm, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks! I grabbed my cell phone, called Matt, and told him I had forgotten the appointment and apologized. He was very gracious and he asked me if I could still do the interview. I will never forget that. I’m talking about Matt’s graciousness, but also about something else that became crystal clear to me that day: making things happen in your life isn’t about being perfect and never blowing it – even with something big. 

Making things happen has a lot to do with how we recover and bounce back from mistakes, big or small. Progress and success aren’t about being “successful” each time we go for something – it’s about picking up the pieces when we drop the ball and putting them back together. It’s about being gracious, not only to others, but to ourselves. Progress and success involve realizing that when we say “no one is perfect,” we have to include self in that count. When we make a mistake, we have to know how to move on while keeping our dignity and self-worth intact. 

We all blow it. Sometimes we miss a deadline, say something we regret, fail to follow through on a promise, or turn in work we know isn’t going to cut it. I’m not saying we should that it isn’t a big deal – it is. I’m saying we shouldn’t make it out to be the end of the world, because it isn’t. We can apologize, we can get a plan to make things right, and we can get ourselves back on track. It’s okay to blow it from time to time – what’s important is how we handle ourselves afterward. In other words, our success is about progress, not perfection. 

–Alan Allard, Career Coach

 

Are you a victim or victorious?

Have you experienced a "lack attack" recently, thinking, "there's just not enough?"

Do you catch yourself looking at what you don't have, rather than what you DO have, much of the time?

Well, if you have answered yes to either one of the these questions, you are probably not a happy camper.

But there is good news, you can turn this around. And one simple way of doing this is practicing gratitude. Yes, we hear a lot about how we need to be grateful, and you may raise an eyebrow when you hear it yet another time. But I am here to tell you, this practice works!

I have had "lack attacks" during the day, and when I become aware of them, I turn my thoughts to what I have to be grateful for. It could be as simple as: I am breathing, I have an attractive outfit on, my son is well, etc. Whatever it is, there is always something there.

In shifting my thoughts I start to see the possibilities in front of me. And when I take action, I come from a more prosperous place.

Yes, you can change your thoughts, and one step at a time, begin to change your life.

Some of you do this already, but if you don't, you owe it to yourself to give it a whirl.

 

Interview Mistakes, and How to Bounce Back

Bruce Bozzi Jr. was born with restaurant management in his blood. His great-grandfather opened The Palm Restaurant in 1926, and today Bruce serves as the Executive Vice President for the thirty Palms around the globe. “I have always taken my job very seriously,” he explains. “But I’ve always had a lot of fun with it. Work is a place you should enjoy.” 

On Friday, February 8, Bruce, as well as Palm co-Owner and co-Chairman Wally Ganzi and General Manager of Palm Too Janice Steil, will appear in the series premier of The Job, airing on CBS at 8pm EST. In the episode, Bruce interviews candidates and puts them through elimination challenges before hiring one as an assistant manager at The Palm. Below, he shares some of the most common interview mistakes he has seen from potential employees over the years, and how to bounce back from them. 

Mistake #1: Not nailing the first impression. “Hiring managers make many decisions within the first 60 seconds of meeting someone, so you have to make it count,” Bruce reveals. They notice everything from the strength of your handshake to the condition of your teeth. Though superficial, the amount of time you put into yourself is indicative of how much time you will put into the job. If you oversleep and can’t do your makeup or if your cell phone rings halfway through, your chances may not be totally ruined. But if you are lucky enough to land a second interview, you have zero wiggle room. 

Mistake #2: Not being prepared. “An interview is a two-way process. As much as I am interviewing someone, she should be interviewing me to see if this is a place where she would want to work.” If you don’t know the history of the company, the key players involved, and haven’t prepared interesting questions to ask about the position, don’t expect a call back. “If you don’t come prepared, it’s obvious. I would walk out of the interview and say to myself that this person is not interested.”

Mistake #3: Not having an objective. “Getting the job is the result, not the objective. The objective is to have a good interview,” Bruce stresses. If you are too focused on the job, your nerves will get the best of you, and things may start to head south. If you’re stumbling over answers, ask to take a minute to collect yourself and start over. If you fail to notice before the interview is over, “send a hand-written note expressing your appreciation of the interviewer’s time and acknowledging that it wasn’t your best interview. If it’s something you really want, you don’t give up.”

Mistake #4: Not minding your manners. You want to exude confidence during your interview, but it may come across as aggression. Avoid common mistakes such as talking too much, interrupting the interviewer, and not giving direct answers to questions. The worst offense you can commit? Lying on your resume. It’s indicative of your character, and you’ll never see the inside of an office if you get caught. Instead, keep your energy high, be yourself, and have a sense of humor.

–Lindsay Putnam