Tim Patrick's Blog, page 37

Facebook to Build Fence to Protect its National Borders

Facebook announced today its plan to build the world's largest border fence in an attempt to stem the flow of illegal users into its system. With the third largest population in the world, just behind China and India, Facebook has recently experienced a flood of immigrants into its domain. Industry estimates put the inward migration at nearly 50,000 users a month, mostly from sites left bankrupt from world downward download economy.

"We've already started laying down the initial foundations...

Fed Raises Unemployment Rate by a Quarter Point

The Federal Reserve, the mysterious quasi-governmental agency charged with distributing and managing the nation's supply of pocket-sized presidential portraits, announced today that it is raising the national unemployment rate by a quarter point. This brings the percentage of unemployed Americans to 10.15 percent, a level not seen since 1983, unless you live in Michigan.

Fed Chairman Ben "Uncle Pennybags" Bernanke made the announcement after an emergency session of the Federal Reserve Board...

BP Discovers Massive Oil Field in Gulf Waters

British Petroleum (BP), one of the largest energy companies in the world, announced this week the discovery of one of the greatest oil finds of the twenty-first century. The oil, estimated to number in the billions of barrels, was found intermixed within the waters of the Gulf of Mexico, near the site of one of its former drilling rigs.

"We've been pumping oil out of the ground in that area for years," said Andy Inglis, the head of Exploration and Production for the multinational corporation. ...

Dictionary Redefines 'Poverty' to Include Banks, CEOs

Merriam-Webster, producers of books with the world's most uninventive storylines, announced today an update to the definition for "poverty." The current dictionary entry defines the word as "the state of one who lacks a usual or socially acceptable amount of money or material possessions." Today's revision corrects the language to the more inclusive "the state of one receiving government support."

"Language is always changing, and we regularly update the words in our dictionary products based ...

Surveillance Cameras Enter Witness Protection Program

In recent years, many larger cities have placed security cameras at key intersections in an effort to increase public safety, eliminate crime, and reduce the burden of large rainy-day funds. Police have found a welcome friend in the images captured by these electronic eyeballs. But with each solved crime comes an increase in threats against the cameras. The US Department of Justice is expanding the Federal Witness Protection Program to prevent some of the most tattle-telling cameras from...

Arizona Enacts "No Alien Left Behind"

In a landmark vote that is sure to impact pawn shops and bowling alleys across the state, the Arizona legislature has passed the controversial "No Alien Left Behind" package of immigration reforms. Derided by some as the "Finders Keepers" law, the changes would allow state residents to keep any misplaced or discarded illegal aliens they find.

"You can't believe the number of foreign nationals left sitting in our lost and found," said Milford Alexander, chief custodian at the Greyhound Bus...

Illuminati Engineer Misplaces Prototype Mind-Control Phone

An engineer for the Illuminati, the secret hand that manipulates global events as part of the New World Order, accidentally left his prototype mind-control phone at a San Jose-area bar while attending a birthday party several days ago. The monolith-like handheld device, with a touch screen surface and a mesmerizing app-centric payment model, was rumored to be the next step in the organization's attempt at controlling the masses.

"This is really, really bad," said an unnamed lieutenant from...

Nations to Phase Out Volcanoes by 2025

A gathering of officials from more than fifty nations has given provisional approval to a plan that will eliminate all active volcanoes from the earth within fifteen years. Environmentalists hailed the decision as a bold step forward in reducing air pollution, although some groups said the recommendations didn't go far enough in "purging every speck of dust from the planet."

The meeting came at a time of increased volcanic activity, especially with the recent eruption of a major mountain in...

Cows Not Treated with rBST Go on Strike

The nation came to a virtual dairy standstill today as millions of mad cows left their barns and stalls in favor of picket lines. The International Sisterhood of Milk and Cheese Producers authorized the strike of its bovine members over accusations of favoritism at dairy farms.

At issue is the use of recombinant bovine somatotropin, or rBST, a growth hormone for cows. Jersey Hoffa, head of the union, spelled out the group's demands at a 4:00 a.m. press conference. "We demand that rBST-treated ...

Schools to Lay Off Money-Losing Kids

As states continue to spew red ink, many school districts are taking immediate action to stem the financial flow. And it comes with a dose of good news: no teachers will lose their jobs in the process. The solution? Laying off money-losing students.

"Students cost money, plain and simple," said Mark Gravenstein, principal of Walla Walla Middle School in Chula Vista, California. "They represent the single highest cost in our schools. Get rid of students, get rid of the problem."

Some districts...