Illuminati Engineer Misplaces Prototype Mind-Control Phone

An engineer for the Illuminati, the secret hand that manipulates global events as part of the New World Order, accidentally left his prototype mind-control phone at a San Jose-area bar while attending a birthday party several days ago. The monolith-like handheld device, with a touch screen surface and a mesmerizing app-centric payment model, was rumored to be the next step in the organization's attempt at controlling the masses.

"This is really, really bad," said an unnamed lieutenant from...